Baywatch (2017)

[bunniefuu]

All right, boys. Here we go.

Nice and easy.

Man, Mitch, if you weren't here...

I'm always here.

Don't worry, your friend's gonna be all right.

Are you Batman?

Sure, pal. Just bigger and browner.

All right, boys, get him in. Have a good run, Mitch.

All right, Steph.

Yeah, Mitch. Yo, Eros.

How's it looking out there?

Lippers are feebs today. Just eggy.

Waves are shitty today.

Eggy beyond. Nuggin' higher outside than a full-on gazebo.

Yup. It's windy!

Good call, brah. Come on.

All right, brah-brah! It's just brah.

Later!

Come on, Pete. Hey, Mitch!

I told you, you don't have to do this every day.

I want to. You saved my sister's life.

You think I'm gonna forget that?

All right. Well, listen, tomorrow make my pecs a little bigger.

And don't cover up my front bump.

You got it. Huge d*ck.

Big d*ck.

Yo, Ellerbee. Hey, Mitch.

Hey, come on, man, why don't you leave my boys alone, and get off this big wheel and come join me for a run?

What are you saying, that I need to work out?

That I'm, what, looking smaller?

No! You're looking big.

I don't know how you fit in that uniform, man.

Yeah? Hey, hey!

If I had a sister, I'd introduce you to her, man.

You all right, all right.

Wait, was that sarcastic?

Like calling a tall guy "Shorty"?

Damn it, he always does that to me.

I heard he invented Google and gave it all to charity.

Man, I heard he invented the cure for the common cold.

He ain't Superman, he's a damn county lifeguard.

Grown man wears spandex to work.

So does Superman.

Hey, f*ck you! Get off my beach!

I don't even have to stretch to guard you. Let's go.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Not on my beach, Arian!

What up, Vern? What's up, Mitch?

He saved my nana's life. I ever tell you about that?

Every time he jogs by.

Literally, every single time.

Hi, Mitch.

Flakka. Jesus.

Hey, what's up, buddy?

Hey, Mitch. Hey, can I see that?

Where'd you get this? Right there.

Right there? Is this the only one?

All right.

You could go over there, you could go the f*ck over there, get the f*ck out of here!

What part of "private" do you not understand?

Hey, hey. What's up, boys?

Beach belongs to everybody. Nothing belongs to everybody.

That's not nice.

There are k*ller waves, boys. Go shred. It's on.

Later, Mitch. All right, brah.

You don't want to do that, big dog.

I'm an animal lover, but I will put you down.

Frankie! My God, I am so sorry.

Frankie, stop.

Don't you know he's a friend?

What a terrible, terrible way to meet.

You're Lieutenant Buchannon, right? I am.

Victoria Leeds, the new owner of the Huntley Club.

Of course. I know exactly who you are.

Well, welcome to Emerald Bay. Thank you so much.

I heard you were a head-turner. What an understatement that is.

And I heard you were a charmer. Guess that's an understatement, too.

I apologize for Frankie.

I know this beach is public and, honestly, I wish the club was, too.

But you, you're welcome anytime. Thank you very much.

I'll see you around? Yes, you will.

Okay, I get that you have to test for image stabilization, but why'd we have to come to the beach?

You know I hate the beach.

Besides, I got to get back to work at the Huntley.

Well, I'm sorry, man, but the beach is important, okay? It's...

It's, you know, the wind and the...

Just...

I get it.

I get it now, okay. I get it. Who... What, C.J.?

No, I didn't even know she was working on the beach today.

"I didn't know C.J. was working."

Shut up, Dave. Hey, Ronnie.

It's Ronnie, right?

What the f*ck? Yeah, it's Ronnie.

I'm Dave. Hi, Dave.

Nice to meet you. C.J. How you doing?

I'm doing all right.

You're trying out today, right?

I saw your name on the board. That's how I...

Say... Say something.

Kinda feel like this is your year.

Stop that.

Okay.

Well, I'll see you at tryouts.

All right, C.J.

That was amazing to watch.

She came up to you, she was very nice and warm.

And you handled it really smoothly.

Really? f*ck, no. That was awkward.

It was horrible. f*ck!

Did you have a stroke? It felt like you had a stroke.

Hey, I'm Matt Brody.

And not a single f*ck was given.

Hey, Ronnie. Hey, Steph.

Welcome back. Thanks.

Third time's a charm, right? Yeah, yeah, you know, I'm...

Hey.

I'm more motivated than ever.

So you just need to fill out this form and take off your shirt.

My shirt. No, I don't...

No one wants to see that.

Take it off.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course.

Wow. Nice nipple-fros, bro. Damn!

Hey, does anyone have a weed whacker?

We got a comedian on the line. What's your name, funny guy?

I'm Zane. You're Zane.

Why don't you step out of my line, Zane?

Okay. Okay.

You need to understand one thing, Zane. We're a family here.

A team. And we support each other.

You're out. Come on, I'm... I'm Zane.

Get the f*ck off my beach. Okay. Okay.

So you're going to make me guess your name?

Are you following me?

I was actually just going to ask you the same thing.

Okay. Look, you're hot.

I may resist for a while, but we both know eventually I'll give in.

So why don't we just skip that.

Why don't you put a baby in me?

Now. You know, honestly...

I was thinking dinner first.

But we could try the baby thing, if you want.

You are trying. Way too hard.

Trying's the best part.

Summer. Hi.

I was hoping we'd see you here.

I couldn't sleep last night. I am so excited.

Hey, it's your day today, Summer.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Hey, fresh face. You here for the qualifiers?

No, no, I'm not trying out.

I'm actually already on the team.

You're already on this team?

I'm Matt Brody. Ready for duty.

"Ready for duty"? Okay.

You got any papers or anything like that?

I do. There you go.

It's a permission slip. Literally. "Dear Mitch, "I am pleased to write you on behalf of Mr. Matt Brody."

Right. Well, no free passes. Yeah.

At all. Yeah, 'cause I don't give a sh*t.

I legit needed those for my taxes.

What you need is to understand that if you're going to be on this team, you got to earn it. Really?

Yeah. So, why don't we start this whole thing over, just like gentlemen?

Where you from, One Direction?

Iowa?

Iowa? You heard of it?

Yeah, I know what it is.

Hey, Steph. Hey.

New Kids on the Block here is from Iowa.

Man.

And he says he's already on the team.

Yeah. Doesn't have to try out.

Really? Yeah, absolutely.

Let me ask you this... A lot of oceans in Iowa?

No, just ponds and lakes and cocky pretty boys, apparently.

Cocky pretty boys.

Hey, Mitch, what happened to that last pretty boy recruit we had?

He d*ed. R.I.P.

Are you guys being serious right now?

I honestly can't tell.

You show up here, matching bathing suits.

What is this, "lifeguard hazing"?

I'm Matt Brody.

I hold the world record in the 200 meter.

Two gold medals.

Hey! Matt Brody. Matt Brody.

Yes, yes.

Absolutely. And we still don't give a f*ck. Don't give a f*ck.

No, fresh out. Fresh out of fucks. Yeah.

Okay, that ocean out there has riptides that'll tear your little mangina in two.

My mangina?

So you are being serious.

Dead serious, right now, NSYNC, all right?

This ain't no little f*cking pond out of Iowa.

So with all due respect, you want to be here on this team, on our team, you're gonna have to earn it.

Look, I get it.

You're big, Sasquatch.

But I'm fast.

Really f*cking fast.

Which is why somebody important thinks I belong here.

So when you two figure out who the f*ck I am, you can find me on the beach.

See you.

Did that really just happen?

It did. He slapped me.

Yeah. His hands were soft and supple though, like a woman. No offense. None taken.

You know what, man? I gotta tell you, I'm feeling really good about this year.

You know what I'm saying?

Good luck out there, man. Good luck.

Thanks.

And if you need some extra motivation...

Looking at it right there. Hey...

You okay? Help! C.J., help!

My friend is choking! Help!

No, not C.J. Not C.J. No, no!

Are you okay? You're choking.

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

Ronnie. You're gonna be just fine.

What?

Thank you!

Ronnie, are you okay? Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yeah, yeah. No, don't touch, don't touch.

Okay.

I'm so good. You did good, good, good work.

Good job. Thank you, you can go now.

Okay, drink some water...

Thank you so much. Okay. ...I guess.

Dave? Yeah.

How does it look? How does what look?

Down there.

Does not look good at all. Yeah, what does it look like?

Looks like your d*ck is trapped between two slats of wood.

Okay, I just... f*ck, I can't reach it.

I just need you to get down there and just pop it out.

No, I can't do that at all.

Come on, I just need you... You grab that d*ck and you push it out. No, no.

Okay. Hi.

I'm going to help you.

We're going to deflate the situation together. Okay?

Okay. Focus.

Think about things that turn you off.

Maybe like... Like your grandma's underwear?

Not working. No? Okay, cool.

Maybe, like... Ostriches.

Guys, still stuck. Mitch, hey, need you.

No, no, not Mitch. Don't bring Mitch over.

Hey. Hey, Mitch is here.

Ronnie, you pumped about the qualifiers, buddy?

You know it, man. I'm just... I'm really...

Really excited to quit my double major in robotics and computer science and really, really do something with my life.

You don't need to look down there.

Do not touch me right now.

Not even touching you. Okay.

Okay.

Looks like you got your beef and your biscuits stuck down there.

It's gonna be okay. I've been through it, too.

Not a big deal. Really?

Yeah, absolutely. I was stuck in a woman for hours once.

Couldn't get out.

Totally the same, yeah? It's the same thing.

Stuck junk is stuck junk.

Stuck junk is stuck junk. Okay.

All right, buddy, we're gonna have to flash-freeze your johnson.

No, no, it's okay, it's okay, I got it.

Look, it's okay.

Oh, my God. Nope. Still stuck.

I mean, if you think about it, it's a good thing, right?

Congratulations.

Hey, how you feeling, sport?

Better, but could we get some sort of perimeter going for the crowd?

Nah. Nobody's looking. Just us.

God, you're lying. That's a lot of people.

Mitch, I can't get the swelling to go down.

All right.

We're going to have to pull it out.

Pull it? Yeah.

Just like pulling a tooth. What?

Don't you touch my d*ck!

I'm okay.

Ronnie, are you okay?

Yeah, no, I'm good.

I'm proud of you, Ronnie.

f*ck you, Dave. You're my worst friend.

Captain, I need to talk to you about this...

Yeah, Mitch. Look, you're just in time.

I want you to watch something.

Check this out.

Matt Brody, U.S. swimmer, sex symbol and adrenaline junkie.

How do I define myself?

80% trill and 30% dope.

People think I'm crazy, that I'm out of control.

How do you think I got all this gold?

"Crazy and out of control" may have worked for his individual events, but when it came to the relay, Brody blew it for the team.

USA is in the lead for the team relay and Brody's in the water to anchor.

Oh, my God!

Looks like he just vomited in the pool.

After a night of partying in Rio led to a streak of bad luck in the pool, Brody was dubbed the "Vomit Comet."

How do you feel about losing a medal for your teammates?

There's no "I" in "team."

But there is a "me."

Are you dyslexic?

I'm Caucasian.

This is the guy you think is a good PR opportunity for us?

Right?

He's reckless, he's insubordinate. Come on.

Which is why we can afford him.

Come on, Mitch.

The guy's only here because he took a plea deal.

A plea deal?

For what?

The specifics aren't important.

What's important is that we are his community service.

Come on. He's a train wreck.

With two gold medals.

How many gold medals do you have?

Probably zero. Okay?

Brody is an American hero with the face of a Swedish model.

You're losing me.

He's one of the best swimmers in the whole world.

There's more to this job than just swimming.

You know that. Yeah, there's also politics.

Now, look, Mitch, let's be honest.

We're staring into the abyss here.

City council's already cut our funding again.

What the council wants and what the bay needs are two different things.

I found more flakka this morning.

Clearly, we have new dealers in the bay.

And this sh*t is like bath salts on meth.

Flakka?

Good work, Mitch.

I'll turn this over to the police.

Hey, look. This new guy of yours? He's not ready for this kind of trouble.

He doesn't need to be, and neither do you. Okay?

It's not your job.

It's the busiest time of the year.

I need you out there shining for me.

All right, I'll do it. Yes!

But he's got to pass qualifiers first.

You got it. Which should be easy considering he's the "best swimmer in the world."

Right?

Good afternoon, Councilman.

Good afternoon. So, how is our progress?

Most of the council has signed off on your terms.

Good.

And the rest are almost there.

"Almost"?

Councilman, you seem like the kind of man who knows how to seize an opportunity.

Me, too.

Back home, my younger brother was given the family business to run when clearly I had the business gene.

Why? Because I'm a woman.

So I came to America, the Land of Opportunity, because everything is fair here.

But who's to say anymore?

I have a point to prove, Councilman.

And I'm here to create an opportunity for you.

I'm sure they'll come around.

I'm sure they will, too.

Why does she always look like she's running in slo-mo?

You see it, too?

She always looks wet. But not too wet.

Right.

She's the reason I believe in God.

Hey, how's your d*ck?

It's good, you know...

It's better, you know...

It's just ready for action.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

I got my d*ck stuck in a chair earlier.

What? You did? Yeah.

You haven't heard about this?

Yeah, I heard. Everybody's heard.

All right. Welcome, everybody.

You know, Baywatch proudly accepts only one new recruit every year.

But the good news for you is that this year, we've got three open spots.

Now without further ado, I'd like to turn it over to the man who has 500 career saves.

Give it up for Lieutenant Mitch Buchannon.

All right, thank you. Thank you.

Baywatch is the elite of the elite.

Our team's commitment to protecting the bay at all costs is the reason why the single mom behind me feels very comfortable letting her two kids run right into the water unaccompanied.

Thanks, Mitch. That's right.

And Baywatch works because we follow rules.

We follow rules because if we don't, people die.

You work in an office and you doze off at your desk one day, no big deal.

You slack off here... Say it with me...

People die.

So here's the thing, if you've come to Baywatch on your little motorcycle, thinking you're cool, trying to work on your k*ller tan...

Well, you need to find another beach to go to.

But if you've come to sacrifice for something much bigger than yourself, this is the beach for you.

But you're gonna have to get through this first. C. J.?

Yeah, C.J.!

There are tons of qualities that make a great lifeguard.

Today, we're gonna test all of them in a grueling obstacle course we like to call

"The Absentee Father."

He's tough. Brutal, even.

His presence in your life is brief, but it will scar you and instill a toughness in you that will carry you through birthdays, Christmases and even "Bring Your Dad To School Day" when your mom has to put on a fake moustache just so you can fit in with the other kids.

All right.

Thank you, C. J.

Thank you.

So get out there, kick ass and make us proud.

Go, Baywatch.

On your mark.

Get set!

This is Baywatch, people!

- Kick those legs! Let's go!

Come on, let's go! - Listen to what she's saying.

Keep it going! Keep it going!

You are guppies!

One day you will be sharks!

Pick it up, folks. Move those legs!

Who's your daddy now?

Come on, guys!

Come on, guys! Let's go!

Hustle, hustle, hustle!

Let's go! You got this! Come on!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Up and over!

Let's go, come on! Way to hustle! Come on, you're almost there!

Kid's really got no quit in him.

Attaboy, Ronnie! Great job!

Great!

f*ck.

You know, you wanna be on our team, you're gonna have to pass this course.

We all do. Look. Mitch, right?

Lieutenant to you. "Lieutenant"?

Like in the army?

Let me save you some time. Okay?

You're not gonna be my big brother here and put me on the right path.

It doesn't work like that.

I got where I am today completely by myself.

So how about you let me do my job, and I'll tell you where to send my checks?

You know, sharks always swim slowly.

Until they need to att*ck.

Thank you for that cryptic and totally irrelevant piece of information.

What are you, Aquaman?

'Cause I'm really confused with what we've been talking about.

Come on, Gold Medal.

You afraid I'm gonna kick your Little Mermaid ass all over this course in front of all these people?

I mean, now you're gonna have to b*at me on the big boy's course, princess.

Well, that was cute.

Probably in record time. Yeah?

The problem is, that's not the course.

That's not the course?

So here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go over to the real course, and if you b*at me over there, not only are you on the team, but I won't f*ck with you anymore and I'll call you by your real name.

Really?

Yeah!

Refrigerators?

...98, 99, 100!

That was bullshit, Mitch.

You know I was already gassed.

Because you were showboating. You want to be a lifeguard, you gotta learn to conserve your energy.

Conserve my energy?

No!

Help! My kids!

Lifeguard Tower One!

Help!

Look out! Look out!

We're on the go!

Come on, move!

Yo, move!

Watch it! Move, move, move!

Hey, look out!

Lady, get out of the way!

My kids! Ma'am, everything's okay.

I'm here to save you. My name is Matt Brody.

Somebody help! Ma'am, stop it!

I can't save you if you're being a d*ck!

Where are the other two? "Other two"?

sh*t.

Here you go. Here you go. Okay.

Take him.

You're okay.

Come on.

Breathe for me. Come on, big man.

Come on.

We'll set you down right here.

Good. Let's get you over. Attaboy.

Brody, stop! One, two, three...

Brody, stop! What? Why?

Her airway's blocked.

Okay, breathe. C.J., she good?

Steph, how is she? She's all right.

You're gonna be good.

Give me some.

Let's get you to your mom.

All right, guys. Hey, listen up.

We want to thank you for a great year of qualifiers.

For those of you who don't go on and become trainees, we wanna thank you, we expect to see you next year.

To the trainees who made it, congratulations.

Oh, my God. I made it.

I made it! Oh, my God.

Thank you so much.

You don't ever have to thank me.

You did this one on your own.

Thank you. You're welcome.

What the f*ck? That's my name.

That's my name!

Holy sh*t!

I made it onto...

Wait. Do not tell me that I'm the tech guy.

No!

No, I chose you because you have heart, no quit and you leave it all out on the beach.

Thanks, Mitch. Congratulations.

Hey, High School Musical.

You were reckless out there.

Completely destroyed a motorcycle, which you stole.

I didn't steal that.

I commandeered it, okay?

Because it was faster and clearly had insurance.

And by the way, the lady that I saved, she didn't seem to mind.

Let me tell you something, man, the rescues don't mean a thing if you put other people in danger. Okay?

Now, I get it, you're fast, you're fearless.

And I have to make you a trainee, butterfly, but you got a lot to learn.

All right. Thank you, Lieutenant.

All right, listen up!

Training begins at 0600.

Hot Wheels, I'll see you back here in the morning.

Sure thing, Lieutenant.

Welcome to Baywatch.

All right.

Hey, I'm so glad I caught you all.

I don't mean to interrupt, but everyone on the beach is talking about you guys.

Thank you.

Brody, that save sounds incredible.

Impulsive, but incredible.

Appreciate it. See that?

We're just doing our jobs.

Hey, guys, this is Victoria Leeds, the new owner of the Huntley Club.

Hey. How you doing? Hey.

Well, I just wanted to invite all of you to the Huntley. We're having an open house.

It's a kind of "meet the neighbors" thing.

Look, I know that the club's kind of "fancy" and probably not your scene, but you have a standing invitation.

Thank you. We'll keep that in mind.

I'll see you there? See you then.

Let's go, Frankie.

Brody?

Hey. What are you doing?

Nothing. I was just...

You know, stargazing.

Under a pier?

Yeah. That way.

Look, you're on the team, and I don't want anyone on the team sleeping outside, so...

Yeah, come on. You're coming with me. Let's go.

Brody, let's go, I don't want to wait for you. Come on.

Thank you again, so much.

Really embarrassed.

Yeah, no, it's totally cool. Don't worry about it.

I forgot something in my car.

Just... Just knock.

You sure Stephanie won't mind? It's cool?

It's cool. She won't mind at all.

Thank you so much.

This is really cool of you guys.

No problem.

What the f*ck?

'Sup. Hey.

This is your house, isn't it?

Yeah, this is... It's my house.

Yeah.

I assume you need a place to crash.

Yeah. Come on in.

Just like C.J., always picking up strays.

Quit looking at Little Mitch! It's creepy.

Come and see where you're gonna crash.

There's your cot.

Don't jack off on my sheets.

Don't.

I can't find my hermit crab.

I think he ran out earlier today.

He's got short legs, but he's got a fast walk, so, if you'd keep eyes open, I'd appreciate that.

I will start combing the beach first thing at sunup.

This is Echo Bravo 153. Go ahead.

f*ck it. Mitch, can I please turn the C.B. off in my room?

Jonas Brother, listen to me.

Get your beauty rest.

We're starting bright and early tomorrow.

How was your first riptide?

It stings!

That's just the lactic acid.

Actually, it's the jellyfish stuck to you.

What the f*ck?

Oh, my God!

One, two, three. Cross.

One, two, three.

Keep your hands up. One, two, duck! Again.

One, two, duck!

Nice!

What you doing there, k*ller?

I don't know.

I don't know. Okay.

Honestly, I don't even know what I'm doing here.

Mitch sees something in you.

And I see it, too. I do.

I really do.

What?

What?

Very important lesson.

That is the Devil's Urchin.

One prick out of that thing will give you enough adrenaline to choke out a pissed-off bull.

The only problem is, after that, you say some crazy-ass sh*t, and then you f*cking die.

Now pick that up and take it to Tower One.

So these are just like laying around everywhere?

Do you want me to help you?

Okay, look, let's just be honest, all right?

I mean, we've lost him.

No, it's not your fault. No, Ted.

Not my boy Ted.

Why, why, Ted? Why you, Ted?

Why?

Don't you do this to me, Ted! Don't you do this!

Okay, no. But, seriously, I got to help you because you are gonna k*ll someone with that technique.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Okay. Ready?

Wait, Summer, do you have time to study later?

Yeah.

Did you just look at my boobs?

I... Was not my intention.

I didn't stare directly at them.

You're looking at them right now.

Now I did.

'Cause you're talking about them.

Testing. Failed.

Oh, my God. Well, we're gonna be in swimsuits a lot, so... Yeah.

If it's gonna be a problem for you...

There's not a problem for me.

At all. Cool. Yeah.

All right. You just looked at them again.

No, I didn't. I was... I didn't... Yeah, you did.

Well, when you point them out like that...

It's a compliment if you think about it, sort of.

Victoria.

I'm gonna need more time.

Do I strike you as a patient woman, Councilman?

No, no, I got the council to sign off on your real estate proposal.

Just some property owners won't give approval.

But I'm working on it.

Yeah, well, you just ran out of time.

Leon, would you show Mr. Rodriguez what we do to people who don't deliver?

I know you're dealing flakka, which is gonna drive down real estate prices in the bay, right? Right?

So if anything happens to me, I will expose you.

And then you'll never get your approvals.

Such accusations.

I'm not a Bond villain.

Well, yet.

You're in politics.

You know that no one can claw their way to the top without getting a little dirt under their fingernails.

Clearly, I overestimated you.

But calling me a drug dealer...

It's so much bigger than that, you know?

I... Leon...

Teach him some manners.

Have fun, boys.

I agree with...

I overstepped.

I overstepped, Victoria.

Guys, we can talk about this.

Leon doesn't talk. He's a man of action.

There's a purity to that. I'm going to k*ll you.

Damn it. You do that every time.

I build you up, and then you ruin the mystique.

See something you like? Jesus Christ.

You... You got me.

You're gonna be cool and go talk to her like a real man, or you gonna stand up here and be Creepy Creeperton through the binoculars?

Look, man, I'm fine in that department, so don't worry about me. Yeah.

I'm sure your approach to women is Snapchatting a d*ck pic or two.

Don't ever do that.

A lot of people screenshot them nowadays.

Yeah. If it leaks on the Internet, it's terrible.

Hola? Is anyone there?

This is Baywatch. What is your emergency? Over.

Please help!

Please help! My friends and I are on a boat.

We are lost...

We are lost... and there's fire everywhere!

What is your position? Over.

Gringa, my position is the ocean.

I can't feel my face!

Okay, call Coast Guard. We got a 10-73.

I'm gonna take the WaveRunner. "10-73"?

You and C.J. take Rescue One.

Go, go, go! Rescue One, ASAP.

Hold up! Wait, what, what? What are we doing?

sh*t.

Summer? What's a 10-73? Fire!

"Fire"? What does that mean? In the ocean?

You need to start studying!

Yeah, I know. Got it. I'm there.

See you out there.

Come on. Let's go. I'm coming!

If you're comin', hurry up. Where's mine?

You don't get one.

Come on. Quit screwing around!

Could you wait for me? Come on.

God damn it, let's go.

Go, go, go!

Lock your arms around my waist or you're gonna f*cking fall off again!

This is so awkward, dude. Hold on. Hold on.

How many buckets of lotion do you wear a day?

You're like a greasy, hairless gorilla.

Don't worry, guys! I got it.

I'll take care of... If the fire spreads...

All right, I need you to take the throttle.

That's impossible.

Go between my arms and take the f*cking throttle!

Holy sh*t.

When I say so, hard right turn.

What? Three.

Two. One. Go! sh*t, man. I don't know.

Thank God.

Are you the fire water man?

Tell me, where are your friends?

I don't know. Okay. You stay right here.

Don't move. Okay? Okay.

Help!

Down here!

Is anyone there?

I hear you!

Get to the front of the boat! We're coming!

Help!

Help me!

Mitch!

Portside.

Over here!

In the front! f*ck.

There's a girl trapped in the front of the boat!

There's too much fire!

No way.

C.J.!

Okay, guapo.

If you want me, you can have me.

But rápido because the boat is on fire.

Some other time. No...

Are you all right? Can you hear me?

No, I'm not okay!

Help! Please!

Help! In here!

Do not go under that fire, Brody!

Wait!

In here!

Please! Help!

Oh, my God! Take my hand.

Trust me.

Are you hurt? No. I'm okay.

Good. Hang on. What?

C.J.!

Portside!

Miss, are you okay?

Can you help me?

Are you all right? Are you hurt?

Brody!

Are you okay?

That was such a great plan, just to see fire and just swim right into it.

You care about me.

I care about you.

Get off that boat, Mitch.

...eight, nine, ten.

Come on.

Hey, other than him, we did good, right?

Like, we saved everyone.

Yes, including you.

I know that.

I'm just saying, all things considered, things could've gone a lot worse.

Come on!

Is he going to be okay?

Do you know what happened to the Councilman?

No, I don't know.

We were partying, and then when we came upstairs, the boat was already on fire.

You disobeyed an order out there, put yourself in danger.

You can't save anyone if you die.

Yeah, I know. I messed up. Okay?

I'm just... What are we still doing here?

Just write this down. Can we just go?

Victim is male, five foot nine...

Hey, hey, hey. Get back right now. Do not contaminate my crime scene.

Come on, Ellerbee.

Don't give me any of that jurisdiction sh*t.

No, I won't, because technically, you don't have a jurisdiction, lifeguard.

You got one job, make sure swim-happy white people don't drown.

Technically, that boat out there is the Coast Guard's jurisdiction. Okay?

And if I would've waited for them, all these girls would be dead.

What? We would have d*ed?

b*rned to a crisp. I'm not ready to die!

I know. It's okay, you're not.

So technically, we saved lives.

Technically, I see a dead body, which technically makes this a crime scene.

Hey, technically, these "technicallys" are wasting a lot of time, technically.

Thank you, blue-eyed demon.

And as far as this dead body goes, look.

Badge on a uniform.

Patch on a swimsuit.

Lieutenant. b*at cop.

So keep us informed of the investigation and we're gonna do the same.

All right. Hey, how do I keep in touch?

Seashell phone, or do I just blow into the conch and you appear?

That's the spirit, Ellerbee.

Just call me on the shell phone. That's all you gotta do.

I'll tell you this, if you cr*ck this case, they're gonna upgrade you to a Segway and they're gonna give you big-boy pants to wear, cover up those chicken legs.

Christ, that's... Councilman Rodriguez.

Good luck, Officer.

I got the eye of the tiger A fighter Dancing through the fire

'Cause I am the champion And you're gonna hear me roar Damn, Ronnie. C.J.!

Please!

sh*t.

I never really heard a guy sing that song, but you're really good.

Thank you.

C.J., what are you doing here?

Here? It's a coed shower.

Coed, cool.

Cool, cool, cool.

Yeah, coed is cool with me, 'cause I'm cool with the coeds.

I'm taking lunch orders. Do you want anything?

I would like a salad.

You sure?

This place has really good cheesesteaks, meatball subs, foot-longs.

They really hit the spot. No, I'll have a salad.

I'm just a straight-up leafy green type of guy.

That's my type of jam.

Just hook me up with a salad.

Okay. Salad.

Cool. All right. Great.

By the way, when we shower in here, we keep our suits on.

Right, Phil, Sarah?

But your clean nips are looking really good.

Thanks. Bye.

Oh, God.

Why me?

How was your day today?

I don't know. A guy d*ed.

Maybe this is why we keep losing recruits.

They can't handle it. Yeah.

I mean, now that you know our job is much more than you expected, right, the stakes are higher.

What happened today, while very tragic, unfortunately, it does happen.

So if you want to quit, hey, we totally get it.

But if you don't and you choose to stay, just know that Baywatch is more than a job.

It's a way of life.

"A way of life."

You and I both know I'm sticking around.

Am I the only one that got a salad?

Look, this is what I don't understand, okay?

A guy dies. That's tragic.

But that doesn't mean that there's anything sinister going on.

Okay? And even if there was, that's not our job. That's not what we do.

We're lifeguards. So, this, technically, has nothing to do with us.

You just heard that cop. He just told us that.

I just thought you had to be on a really restrictive diet to look like you guys.

Brody, what is it that you think we do here at Baywatch?

I thought we were lifeguards.

I thought that we prevent people from getting sunburned and, yeah, occasionally stop them from drowning.

And that's all you think that this is?

It's exactly what I thought it was.

C.J., how about you throw a few of last month's cases at Olympiad here and see what he'd do.

"Cases"? Okay...

School of manta ray in the cove?

You call Animal Control?

Before Animal Control shows up, the school of manta ray fly up out of the water, sting someone in the chest and they die.

Steve Irwin, R.I.P.

How about sand grifters running a con on the beach, right?

Well, I'm not exactly sure what a sand grifter is, Stephanie.

But I would probably call the cops.

Sand grifters are beach thieves.

Okay, so while you're working on your tan, they're stealing things from families on the beach.

I'll give you one better.

How about diamond smugglers who are putting the rocks in surfboards and bringing them ashore?

Everything that you guys are talking about sounds like a really, like, entertaining, but far-fetched TV show.

But if that was the case, I would definitely call the cops.

We could call the cops, and then do nothing, like most people would. But that's not us, it's not how we operate.

We watch when other people don't want to watch.

We protect when other people don't want to protect.

If we do the bare minimum, sometimes people die.

Guys, we have flakka that just washed ashore.

That sh*t is hardcore and it f*cking kills people.

And now we got a dead body in our bay.

And the girls on that boat had the same dr*gs on them that I found in front of Leeds's club.

So my gut says that it's all connected.

Wait, Leeds did say there'd be an open house tonight, right?

Yes, she did.

And we're all going.

What'd you find on Chen?

No criminal record. No fetishes.

No weird photos. He's clean.

Makes me feel weird about the stuff I have going on in my life.

What about his bank accounts?

Account.

This dude is not rich at all.

All his money is tied up in real estate in the bay.

Well, I guess you'll have to help me persuade him some other way.

Every man has a price.

Speaking of which, I know you've been using my special set of skills for your own nefarious purposes, but additional compensation would go a long way in motivating me to keep my mouth shut.

You're blackmailing me.

Well, I wouldn't... Dave...

I really admire a man who knows how to seize an opportunity.

I'm very impressed.

Keep up the good work. Thanks.

Do we have a deal, or...

I need some closure.

Hey. Hi.

You look really nice.

Hey, you look really nice, too, Baby Gap.

That shirt come in big-boy size?

Well, at least I'm undercover.

Look at you. You didn't even try.

All right, guys, we got a very big night, with one goal in mind.

It's our only sh*t to prove that they're dealing here, so we gotta make it right.

So, C.J. and Ronnie, find out who's selling.

Summer, keep an eye on Leeds and her thugs.

Then Mitch and I will search the place for where she hides the product.

Brody? What?

You're our lookout. Lookout?

Guys, if you want to find dr*gs at a party, I can walk in there and find dr*gs.

It'd take me, like, five minutes.

Not 'cause I do it all the time.

I'm just saying it's not rocket science.

Okay, troubled youth. Thank you for that.

The only way this whole thing is gonna work out is if everyone, everyone, does their job.

Can you handle that, Malibu Ken? Yeah.

What?

Why is everyone looking at me? Summer.

Hey, am I the only one that thinks this is clearly a job for the police?

Yes. Yes.

f*ck it.

Mr. Chen, I'm so glad you could make it.

I wanted to meet the new neighbor everyone is talking about.

So I presume you know why I had to invite you.

I am not interested in selling my properties.

Why don't you think about it, okay?

I of all people know how hard it is to run a business.

You never know when a dry spell could come.

What are you thinking?

I think we case it and I'll meet you back here in five.

All right. Sounds good. All right, Steph.

So where should I, like, look out from?

Hey. How are you?

Victoria.

You k*lled Rodriguez in front of witnesses.

What the f*ck were you thinking?

They were high. They didn't see anything.

They better not have.

Because now Dave knows too much.

And this better not come back to me.

I can't have this unraveling.

Got it?

Now go clean up your mess.

Brody.

I'm so glad you came.

Gosh.

Let's get you a real drink. Greg, the good stuff.

Scotch is your drink, right? Yeah.

This is a really nice place you have here.

You have great taste.

I really respect that.

It's nice to have somebody who respects you, you know?

I sense trouble.

I think I'm just not used to having a boss.

Mitch is threatened.

He should be thrilled to have you.

Yeah, you'd think.

Oh, my God.

"Lieutenant Matt Brody."

That has such an amazing ring to it. Don't you think?

Yeah.

Here. Keep the whole bottle.

I think you need it.

This'll be fun. Thank you.

Hey.

Did you get any intel on Leeds?

Yeah, I got intel. That's awesome.

Single malt 35-year-old intel.

And it's f*cking delicious.

All right, I think I got something.

Found our access point.

Where is Brody? Have you seen him?

No. No time.

We gotta move without him.

Yeah, but we need our lookout.

What's your deal? You like torturing guys?

No. Yeah, you do.

Well, I mean, I have three brothers, so I've had a lot of practice.

I take it you're an only child.

I don't know, honestly.

You don't know?

I grew up in a foster home. sh*t.

Three of them, actually. I'm sorry.

Don't be.

It was pretty cool. One of them had a pool.

If it wasn't for that pool, I probably wouldn't have gone to the Olympics.

Yeah. I mean, that's amazing.

Go from foster home to winning a gold medal.

Two. Two gold medals.

And I f*cking busted my ass for those gold medals, so you can't blame me for celebrating.

Yeah.

I mean, I've always wondered what happened that night.

I knew the relay was the next day, but those guys...

They didn't care about me. They just needed me to win.

Well, you certainly made sure they did not win.

I lost way more than they did.

Okay? I lost all my sponsors.

I'm an Olympic champion and I'm f*cking broke.

Ronnie, hey. What?

Okay, listen. I need you to create a distraction for Leeds.

What? How?

Remember the first time I met you?

The night at Chen's?

Yeah.

What? No.

Yes. No!

Yes! Mitch, no!

Yes. Yes! No!

No! God damn it, Ronnie.

You listen to me, and you listen good.

Every team has a ringer, and you and only you are my ringer.

Well, then I guess I'm your ringer.

You are my g*dd*mn ringer.

Ring, ring? Ring, ring.

Yeah. Oh, God.

Could I...

Will you just have one drink with me?

You should probably actually stop drinking because you're supposed to be the lookout for Mitch.

I am looking out for Mitch.

Leeds is right there. I'm gonna go check it out.

Ladies and gentlemen.

A warm welcome to our host, Victoria Leeds!

Thank you. Thank you.

So many people.

So as a welcome to the bay, I...

Oh, God. Mitch, this is for you.

Wait. No, Victoria.

I have something very special planned for you, for everyone.

So God help us.

I'll just put that down. Okay.

Hit it.

That's weird.

Who's Angelo's Fish Company?

Doesn't the Huntley get their fish from Flynn's?

Let's check it out.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Mitch.

I just got a little hunch, okay?

sh*t.

You two, what are you doing back here?

Hey.

First date. You can't blame me, right?

So juvenile.

I'm onto you all.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for whatever that was.

You did good, Ronnie.

Where'd you learn to dance like that?

Hebrew school.

You were supposed to be there for us tonight.

You had a job to do.

And now you're trashed.

See, I just... I don't understand this, man.

If you really think that there's dr*gs here, call the police.

And then what?

We get a few minnows? The big whale gets away?

Do you hear yourself when you talk?

I dare you to say one thing without the ocean in it.

I dare you.

We were depending on you tonight.

And you f*cked up... Again.

Watch yourself.

Really?

Get this through your head, Mitch.

You're not a cop. You're not the f*cking Equalizer.

You're a lifeguard, Mitch, who sits in his f*cking tower all day, 'cause that's the only place he has any sort of power.

This is the real world, Mitch. Lifeguards can't do sh*t.

Come on.

Don't f*cking touch me.

Let's go. Or what?

What're you gonna do, Mitch?

sh*t.

sh*t. I didn't touch you.

You d*ck.

Cool off, pool boy.

That's him! The Vomit Comet!

What are you guys standing around for?

Let's do some sh*ts!

Hey. Hey. Thank you.

Summer, this is your day today.

Yeah, I know it.

Mitch?

Hey, man, I think...

I think we both said a few things last night that we didn't mean.

Not me. I meant every word.

Come on, man.

You've never gotten drunk and said something you don't mean?

Seriously?

I f*cked up, man. I know that.

I'm sorry.

I watched you win two gold medals.

You were amazing when it was just you.

But when it came to the relay, being part of your team, your Olympic team, your family, you blew it. 'Cause you're selfish.

Baywatch is our team. Baywatch is our family.

These are the keys to our house.

But you've proven to me that you don't want to be part of this family.

So you're done.

'Cause the only thing you give a sh*t about is yourself and your medals.

You talking 'bout this medal?

That's really impressive.

Don't you have two of them, though?

That's not the point.

That's polluting.

Listen, Mitch, I know I messed up, okay?

I should have listened.

I want to be a part of this team.

And I will not let you down again, I swear.

And by the way, I think you're right about Leeds.

And the Councilman... Councilman... What's his face?

Councilman Rodriguez. Yeah.

Rodriguez, that's it. The dead guy.

He had this watch. It was a nice TAG watch.

Yeah, I've seen that watch, too.

On one of Leeds's thugs.

That's it. See?

I want to help, man. And I want to...

I want to help.

All right. I'll give you another sh*t.

Councilman Rodriguez is connected to all of this somehow.

And the coroner's office just released his body.

And I got a plan.

Guys, I still don't understand what part of the plan this is.

Just go with the flow, Brody. Yeah, you were in a very bad accident.

It was all your f*cking fault. We're all really, really sad.

It was my fault? Why was it my fault?

Come on, guys. I need a bigger coat.

There's no coat in here that's gonna fit you.

You got a better idea? I think I do.

But you're not gonna like it.

Okay, clear. Come on, let's go.

Okay, left turn, left turn.

What the f*ck?

Who taught you how to drive, Stevie f*cking Wonder?

You're huge, man. Very hard to control.

Just get me to the morgue. That's all I said.

I'm taking us to the morgue. Go left.

Left, left. Left turn.

Careful.

Okay. We're clear, we're clear.

All right.

Oh, no. What?

What does that say? "Morgue."

Exactly.

I got us to the morgue.

Nice. Good job. Yeah.

These disguises are awesome.

I actually feel like a doctor.

Oh, no.

Read me his toe tag. It smells like yogurt.

Oh, Jesus.

"2816."

Read me line 12.

Jesus.

Line 12. "Alveoli are clean."

Wait, that means that there was no smoke in his lungs.

So how did he die? That's the question.

McDreamy, get over here. I need you to help me.

Oh, God, what?

Dude.

I need you to check his taint for needle marks.

You want me to check his taint?

Don't be a baby. Lift his scrotum.

Not touching the man's scrotum.

Lift his ball sac and check for anything unusual.

There's... f*ck.

Oh, my God.

Dude, it's a taint, man, it's a taint. You didn't even look.

My God.

Dude, there's been gloves here literally the entire time.

You didn't even say anything. Yeah... That...

I'm going in.

All right. Tell me what you see.

Hair. Lots of hair. Definitely not a groomer.

Get deeper. Lift the balls up higher.

And get closer. Oh, God, it stinks.

I don't know, man. There's a big something.

There's something. There is a hole.

That's just his butthole. Smile.

Good job, doc. I'm posting that.

Do not post that. The Internet is forever.

It's just a handful of ball sac.

It's disgusting.

Oh, God.

Dude, I can't take you seriously when the d*ck is out.

Can you please just cover the d*ck?

You cover the d*ck. I'm busy.

All right, check this out.

Cervical fractures of the fifth, sixth and seventh vertebrae.

That's how he was k*lled. Broken neck.

So, what? That could have happened any time.

I mean, you jumped off the boat with him, right?

You can literally swan dive down a flight of stairs and not break that many vertebrae.

This was done on purpose.

Why has no one else figured this out?

What are you talking about? Figured what out?

Broken neck in multiple places.

No smoke in his lungs, which probably means he d*ed before that boat was even on fire.

The reason why no one has figured this out?

It's m*rder.

And someone's covering it up. Holy sh*t.

In which case, I should go interrogate those girls.

No, those girls were too high. They don't remember anything.

All the more reason to investigate.

Oh, sh*t. Someone's coming.

Hide. Hide! Put him away.

What do we do now? Now we hide.

Hide? Where?

I don't like confined spaces.

This was a bad idea.

Stop being a baby.

Oh, my God!

Shut your mouth. You're gonna get us caught.

I'm laying on a dead old lady.

Well, she's not going to bite you, for Christ's sakes.

Will you shut up? Our drawers are empty.

Why'd you pick that drawer?

I'm the only one with a body in my drawer?

Shut up!

She smells like cheese toast and chowder.

Holy Christ. You just tickled another man's taint.

Who gives a sh*t right now?

This was a bad...

Something just dripped on me.

Shut your mouth.

What is it? It's all right.

Oh, my God.

It did it again. Nothing's dripping on me.

Listen to me. Formaldehyde melts fat. What?

That's what's dripping on your face, necrotic liquid fat.

Now will you shut the f*ck up?

What the f*ck did you just say?

Just sit back and shut up.

Stop complaining.

Guys, someone's coming. Be quiet.

It's him.

Rodriguez. It is him.

You got the fake files?

Relax.

We're only here 'cause you broke his f*cking neck.

It's all good.

God damn it. Keep it together. No!

Oh, sh*t. That's it! I'm out!

No. God damn it!

sh*t! f*ck.

What do we do?

Hey, gentlemen.

Now that that's over, I'm gonna need those files.

sh*t.

That must be my phone. I probably left it in the nap room.

sh*t. f*ck. Give me that phone.

sh*t!

No, lifeguard.

That was a cheap sh*t, man!

Damn it.

I'll get the car.

All right, meet us on the far side of the park!

Come on, let's roll. Mitch, hold up.

Check this out.

Excuse me. That's a very nice scooter.

Have you ever seen the Olympics?

Why are you grabbing me so tight? Why the f*ck are you driving?

Stay off the grass. It's freshly fertilized.

Stay on the pathway.

I'm on the path, man. They're right there!

Watch it, watch it! Shut up!

You got a beautiful border collie right there. Don't hit him!

You do not respect anything.

Stop. Have some respect. Mommies and babies.

Mommies and babies. Yeah, I see them.

Go get them. Stay on the pathway. You get the white one.

All right. You're just slowing me down, anyway.

Give me the phone.

Hey!

sh*t! Oh, my God. I can't believe I just did that.

I cannot believe I just did that! Hey, Summer. Here. Hey.

Oh, my God! Where's your phone?

That's not my phone!

Summer, you okay? That guy's got my phone.

Nice work! Thanks!

Where'd he go? Oh, sh*t.

Mister, get off!

Hey, Mitch, take this one.

Yeah. Thanks, Mikey.

Hey, man, this is a wake-free zone!

Hey!

Hi, honey.

I'm going to go get rid of the bad man that's in your house.

Eat your food.

Why is he here?

I'm gonna need that phone.

This phone?

Whoops. f*ck your phone.

You're going night-night, bitch.

I'm a pig.

Wait! Hey, hey.

No baby pictures.

Have some class. You're right.

It's bath time, shithead.

All right, Ellerbee, what did we learn from the perps after the interrogation?

The only perps here are you three.

Okay, you turned the canals into the goddamned X Games.

Yeah, that's 'cause we were in lifeguard pursuit.

Okay. My bad.

Except for there's no f*cking such thing as "lifeguard pursuit"!

Police do pursuits!

When you do it, it's just some guys chasing some other guys.

No offense. None taken.

Hey, what are you saying? You're just gonna let those guys walk?

Okay, how do I explain this so that you people understand?

"You people"?

"You people"?

You don't get to say that.

You're just tan.

Right on. Come on, brother.

Look, even if you were police, which you're not, and even if this was your jurisdiction, which it isn't, and even if you had probable cause to pursue, which you definitely don't, what you did would still be totally illegal.

Okay, well, I mean, it's a good thing we're not police, then.

It's like you purposely only hear 1% of what I say.

Mitch, did you pull Brody off the beach to break into the medical examiner's office earlier today?

Yeah, you bet I did.

Absolutely, 100% and here's why.

The Councilman's boating accident was no accident at all.

He had no smoke in his lungs, his neck was broken in multiple places.

Which means he was probably dead before that boat even caught on fire.

And our investigation has found that all of this shady sh*t leads right back to the Huntley.

You don't do investigations. You're lifeguards.

Police do investigations.

When you do it, it's just a bunch of guys investigating another bunch of guys.

No offense, you're included in that. None taken.

Do you have any proof of this conspiracy?

Yeah, absolutely. We read the coroner's report.

It's all in there before those other guys switched it.

Yeah, and I recorded the whole thing on my cell phone.

Where's the cell phone? They destroyed it.

Okay.

So the only evidence that you had was destroyed.

Exactly. All the evidence...

Gone. Doesn't exist.

They're bad guys and they don't want us to have it.

Okay.

Let me try to explain this to you in a way that you people can understand.

"You people"? There it is again.

Hey, hey. Be cool. There it is again.

Just trying to figure out what the f*ck was with "you people."

All right, now, look.

Leave law enforcement to the police. Okay?

And you guys just do the jobs that I hired you to do.

You remember? The lifeguarding stuff.

Splish, splash. Otherwise, I'll fire you.

Now I gotta go clean up this mess that you made.

Obviously, you have every reason to be upset, and I apologize.

So, do you always do the opposite of what people ask you to do?

Because I don't know, man, it looks clear to me.

Nice and quiet.

No, man, you got to look closer. I knew it.

Flynn's Seafood Company.

What about Flynn's Seafood Company?

They're the ones who supply all the fish to the Huntley Club, right?

So? So the question is, who the f*ck is Angelo?

I saw barrels like that down in the Huntley, and now they're on the back of her yacht.

Oh, my God. Mitch, you're impossible.

My gut says there's some bad sh*t going on over there, and my balls say we need to go over there and check it out.

Yeah. Your balls said that? Yes, they did.

'Cause my balls say, "Hey, just take it easy right here. Just chill."

Why the f*ck do your balls sound like three-year-old girls?

I don't know, man. That's just how they talk.

But they're wise.

Well, tell your shriveled, wise balls we're going to the Huntley to see what's in those barrels.

Dude, we are penetrating the sh*t out of this place.

No, I think it's "infiltrate."

That's what we want to do. To infiltrate.

You know they're gonna be looking for us.

That's why we're going undercover.

Undercover? In disguise?

Remember. Undercover.

Undercover, yeah. Yeah.

Check it out. I'm undercover.

Yeah. A little too undercover.

Why the f*ck are you wearing makeup, dude?

What do you mean, why the heck am I wearing makeup?

It's a little much. What was I supposed to do?

Well, what we're supposed to do is find the f*cking flakka.

Oh, my God. Angelo's Fish Company. There it is.

You are so selfish.

You think this was easy?

It's very impressive, princess.

But please shut the f*ck up and focus.

Come on.

Holy sh*t.

Can't believe Leeds is doing that sh*t during the day.

Yeah. That takes balls.

Holy sh*t.

It's like Breaking Bad in there.

Yeah, dude, Breaking Bad.

You were right. Yeah, I was right.

Let's get him in!

I got here. Right.

Yep. We're good.

Grab his other leg. Got it.

Get a stretcher ready.

Yeah, this is the police. How can I help you, lifeguard?

Ellerbee, you got to get down to the Huntley ASAP.

We found the dr*gs.

Yeah, that sounds great, Mitch, but right now I'm busy dealing with another dead body.

Oh, and this one's on your beach. Did you hear that?

First a councilman and now a shark att*ck.

That's crazy.

Lifeguard coming through.

You're still calling this your jurisdiction, right?

We haven't had a dead body on the beach in years.

But this has got to be connected to the Huntley.

We found the dr*gs here. I'm telling you. They're behind this.

Mitch, it's Thorpe, your boss.

Look, stop with the Huntley crap, okay?

And don't even come down here. We don't need you.

Just meet me back at headquarters.

Right now I gotta deal with your new publicity nightmare.

f*ck!

Emerald Bay is reeling this afternoon from the shocking discovery of another dead body.

But in the wake of the recent death of Councilman Rodriguez, the locals here want answers.

I can't believe that no one was at Tower One.

I don't even know what to say.

Whose shift was it?

Sir, it was mine.

And where were you?

Stalking one of the most prominent women in Emerald Bay?

Blatantly disregarding your jurisdiction?

Sir, I only stepped away to check out the Huntley and find the flakka. I warned you.

I warned you about sticking to your job.

This wasn't even Mitch's fault.

You leave me no choice.

You're done.

I want you off the beach. I'm putting Brody in charge.

No way.

There's not a chance... Hey... You can do this in your sleep.

That's not what I'm saying. I don't want the position. I don't...

You have two gold medals, okay?

You're like the Stephen Hawking of swimming, minus the total paralysis part.

Unless you want me to replace you with someone else.

With all due respect, that job should go to Stephanie Holden.

She knows the bay better than anyone.

I'm no longer interested in your opinion, Buchannon.

Dismissed.

Brody. Brody, hang back.

Okay, it's just me and you now.

If you can help me keep your new pals in line, I can make sure that you stick around here for a long, long time.

And if you don't, your probation could get f*cked up.

Good talk, Brody. Okay.

You're my dawg, right? I'll see you tomorrow.

Bring it in.

I f*cked it up.

Turn in your trunks, Mitch.

I'm going to go.

What, you think that I wanted this?

It kinda looks like you did. What?

If anyone should get the job it should be Stephanie.

No sh*t. I couldn't agree more.

What would you have done?

I wouldn't have taken the job, even if they'd offered it to me.

It was not an offer, it was a trap.

Guys, guys, come on. Please.

All right? I need you to work together to help Bieber here figure out why there's a dead body on our beach, and how Leeds is bringing in dr*gs to the bay.

Good luck.

Mitch.

Yo, Mitch!

I'm sorry.

I want you to have something.

My mentor gave me this.

It's the keys to Lifeguard Tower One.

Your new post.

No. I'm not ready.

I'm not ready for this, man.

They need you.

Hi, Mitch. Just checking in on you again.

Please call us back. We're worried about you.

No, thanks, man.

Excuse me, ma'am...

Yo, Mitch. It's Brody.

I hit you on the C.B., so I know you're listening.

I hope you haven't gone crazy and started eating carbs or something.

Everyone says hi. Come back, man.

I could really use your help, brother.

You know, well, it all depends on the data plan that you want.

Internet, everything like that?

It's all fantastic with the Internet, sure.

It's Internet-savvy in function and there's broadband... All right.

...you gotta have that. Yeah, sure.

Samsung has all the capabilities of the I.T. process, and...

Mind if I cut in for a second?

What are you doing here?

I'm here to remind you who you are.

Come on, buddy.

Snap out of it!

Shoes?

You're wearing worker man shoes?

Really, how far have you fallen?

Far. I'd love to buy a...

Mitch? Yes, Mitch.

Come on, man.

You don't just protect the bay.

You are the bay.

Mitch, the bay needs you.

Hey, do you guys know of any good bars around here?

Hey, do you guys know where you can rent a bike?

Yeah, right up that way. This way?

Not too far away.

All right, cool. Thank you, guys.

Sand grifters.

Get the f*ck out of here! This is my beach!

All right, we're out of here!

Did you see that?

Hey.

You guys want to help me figure out whose stuff this is?

Yo, this cooler is... Cool.

Yo, Ellerbee?

What's up, man? How you doing?

Lieutenant Brody! What you got in the cooler?

Black market organs from the Boogie Board Bandits?

You mean this?

No, no.

This is actually for you.

You see, I'm not Mitch, right?

I know my place.

I'm just a lifeguard. And that's it.

I just want to make sure that you and I start out on the right foot. That's it.

So I went ahead and got something a little bit special for you.

Which is a double-chocolate smoothie from Chen's.

A double-chocolate smoothie? Yeah.

From Chen's? They're the best.

You know, I shouldn't.

But it is my cheat day.

It's your cheat day.

Exactly.

And by the way, I went ahead and added that extra protein for you, dawg.

My man.

I know you're trying to keep up. Yeah, man.

Summer.

Hey, Summer.

Come on, Summer.

I think I found something big here, okay?

I really need your help.

Please?

You took marine biology, right? Yeah.

Look at these. Tell me what you think.

Do these look like shark bites to you?

No, they don't all look like shark bites.

Hey, let me take a look.

God, I can't deal with blood.

I mean, that one might be.

Those definitely are not.

So they could be, like, Kn*fe wounds.

Yeah, maybe.

Oh, my God, that's Dave!

Oh, my God. What?

Hey, stop looking at the picture, dude.

Ronnie, Ronnie, what did you just say?

That's Dave. Who's Dave?

I used to work with him.

What do you mean? Doing what? Tech stuff.

You wouldn't understand. I would understand!

What kind of tech stuff?

Holy sh*t! That's it.

Dave told me that he was working with Leeds on something for the Huntley.

Oh, my God. f*cking Mitch was right.

Both of these bodies were dead before they hit the water.

Mitch got set up.

Leeds got rid of him and we're probably next.

sh*t. Ronnie, I need your help.

No. Yes.

No. Yes.

Yes. Please?

Okay, fine. We really appreciate it.

Because as much as I know about laptops, I don't know sh*t about computers.

So Dave had access to Leeds's server.

Her server, you mean her network.

Yeah, her network. That's what I meant.

Okay. So we just take a flash drive and we plug it in, you know.

Get into her cloud and then steal all her cookies, right?

And then we're...

Straight through the firewall.

Literally none of what you said made any sense.

Straight over the firewall.

It's not like a physical thing you do.

Okay, I don't know what I'm talking about here, dude.

Just... Can you do it? Yeah, it's done.

It's been done this entire time?

Yeah, man. sh*t, well, what did we find? We found a lot of dirt.

Drug dirt, real estate dirt, yacht dirt.

"Dirt"?

What the hell are we supposed to do with dirt, Ronnie?

I meant evidence.

Evidence. Evidence.

Well, why didn't you say so, man?

Heck, yeah! Thank God you're pretty.

I'm really proud of you, man.

Guys, we did some digging.

And Mitch was right.

The Huntley is a front for a giant drug operation.

But I figured out it's not about dr*gs for Leeds, it's about real estate.

And she's planning on making the entire bay private.

Yeah, but the town would never let her. Yes, it will.

Because she has every single politician in this town on her payroll.

Rodriguez, the taint guy.

What about the business owners? Yeah.

Well, most of them sold out and signed away their properties.

Leeds blackmailed the ones who didn't and used Dave to help hack into their accounts.

I mean, she's like some sort of modern-day J. Edgar Hoover.

The vacuum guy.

No.

But there was one holdout.

Who? Chen.

And if anything happens to him, his property goes back to the city.

Who do you think they're gonna sell it to?

We have to warn him. I tried.

No one's seen him for days. What?

But Leeds is having a party on her yacht tonight.

I guarantee you, she found a way to get that guy into her boat.

Which is why we're gonna go to that party.

What?

Summer, you and I are going to find the flakka.

You guys find Chen.

Will it work? Maybe.

Will there be some surprises along the way?

Abso-f*cking-lutely.

Is anyone going to die?

I don't know. Maybe Ronnie.

Sorry, what?

But we are Baywatch.

We save lives.

I know because you guys saved mine.

Let's go kick that bitch's ass.

Let's do it. For Mitch.

Thank you.

Lifeguards, this is a surprise. Oh, hi!

Victoria, we wanted to come here in person and tell you how excited we are to be working with you instead of against you, now that...

Now that... Mitch is gone.

He's gone, so all we care about now is protecting the bay.

And we know you feel the same.

I do.

I always knew I liked you two.

Enjoy the party. You look amazing, by the way.

Well, someone has to.

What? What are you wearing? Where are your sleeves?

Listen, I know where the flakka is.

What, where? Under the boat? Yeah. Potentially.

Please don't die.

Do you think we should kiss?

I think we should kiss.

Otherwise, we may never know what it was like. If I die...

Maybe we should talk about it later.

It was worth a try.

It was a good try. f*ck. All right.

Okay.

Don't do anything too stupid.

I won't.

Summer. Summer! Yeah, hey.

She's been smuggling it under the boat this entire time.

No sh*t? We have to let Mitch know.

Okay, yeah.

But Mitch hasn't answered the phone since he was fired.

f*ck.

The C.B.! Use the C.B.

He's always listening on the C.B. Okay, yeah.

Tell him, Brody found the flakka and that he needs to meet us at the marina at 0900.

0900 is 9:00 a.m., so 9:00 p.m. would be 2100.

That system is so stupid and flawed.

Okay, well, militaries use it all over the world.

But I'll tell him 2100.

Hey, guys.

I'll bet Lurch over here knows where Chen is.

Mitch, if you can hear me, you were right.

We found the dr*gs on Leeds's boat.

sh*t!

Hey. No guests allowed upstairs.

Then I guess that means that you and I are all alone.

And you look like a bad boy.

How about we get into some trouble?

Too much champagne.

Miss?

Stephanie! Damn!

Chen!

Hey, hey.

Are you okay? She was going to k*ll me.

It's okay. sh*t!

What the f*ck is going on?

sh*t.

Put your hands where I can see them.

Oh, my God.

Summer! Oh, my God.

Did I k*ll him?

No, you just knocked his ass out.

Thank God.

Here's the key. Here's the key.

All right, guys, Brody found the flakka.

And let's get you out of here and call Ellerbee, okay?

What about Leeds? Ronnie and I will stay here and keep an eye out for her, okay?

What? We will? Yes.

Okay, yeah, we will.

We're going to be on the villain's boat.

Jason Bourne ain't got sh*t on me!

If I could please have your attention.

By this time tomorrow, the expansion of the Huntley will be official.

But for now, let's enjoy the caviar, the champagne and the fireworks.

Cheers.

We have a problem.

Wrong time to grow a conscience, Brody.

Chen's getting away.

How is Chen getting away?

f*cking idiots!

They're trying to trap us. Plan B.

Get the chopper to meet us at the barge.

We need to get the f*ck outta here.

What do we do about him?

Do what you were supposed to do with Chen.

We got Chen off the boat. Do you guys have eyes on Brody?

No, we still haven't seen him...

- What! ...and we lost Leeds.

Wait! Good news. We found Leeds.

Bad news.

She's got Brody in a cage on the back of a boat.

- Oh, my God. Let's go. Come on.

Wakey-wakey, pretty little dum-dum.

Such a shame.

Why'd you have to go snooping?

Maybe Thorpe was wrong about you after all.

What?

Thorpe? What are you talking about, "Thorpe"?

You haven't figured that part out yet.

Where I bribed him, you know, got Mitch fired, put your dumb ass in charge.

All you had to do was be a lifeguard.

Get a tan.

But instead, you tried to be like Mitch and save the bay.

Now let's see how long you can hold your breath.

No, just listen to me. Just listen...

God... f*ck!

No! You have to listen to me!

You're f*cking crazy.

If I was a man, you'd call me "driven."

No! Let's go, boys.

You have to listen to me!

Have a nice swim.

What the f*ck?

Damn it, brah!

f*ck!

Thank you. Where's Leeds?

Leeds is gonna escape in a helicopter on that fireworks barge.

Not if we stop her first. What?

Come on, buddy.

How?

Watch and learn.

Ronnie, come in.

Holy sh*t, Mitch, you got him!

Yeah, he's alive and he's well.

Ronnie, I need you to figure out a way to launch those fireworks.

Listen to me.

I want you to light up the sky.

Okay. Got it, Mitch. Got it.

That's got to be her boat up there!

There's the console. Go.

Okay. Let's see what we got here.

f*cking lifeguards!

What a nuisance! Take care of them already!

What the f*ck? Holy sh*t! God damn it, get down!

Miss Leeds, I'm approaching the barge. I'll meet you at the top.

Okay. Okay, okay.

Holy sh*t.

She's gonna get away! sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Ronnie, C.J., right now. Let's do this.

Yeah, yeah, Mitch. We're on it. f*ck!

I've never seen any interface like this. I don't know what to f*cking do!

Hey! Look at me, look at me, look at me!

You are the tech guy.

You are the m*therf*cking tech guy.

I'm the m*therf*cking tech guy.

Come on, Ronnie.

All right, let's go. I'm behind you, dude.

All right, watch your step. There's urchins everywhere.

What, the ones that k*ll you? Let's go, partner.

I like the sound of that.

sh*t!

What the f*ck!

God... Oh, my God, I got it!

And I'm in. And... Fire!

Holy sh*t!

It's working, he's turning!

It's go time. Right.

What the hell is taking you so long?

All right, Miss Leeds. Circling around.

Could you put that dog down already?

Second level! Fire!

Take that, m*therf*cker!

Mitch!

The fireworks are almost done. And then you can land.

Holy sh*t!

And come to this side, you imbecile!

Fire.

None of them are working anymore. I think it's over.

Honey. As usual, I have to do everything myself.

Mitch! Don't bother. He's dead.

Because of you. Of course because of me.

You do realize I'm holding a g*n, right?

So impulsive.

That's why you walked right into my plan.

Leeds!

For f*ck's sake. Why don't you die already?

Let the little boy go.

That's not how this story ends, Mitch.

You see, you're not here to save him.

After all, he took your job.

So you sh*t him.

But not before he got a sh*t off that k*lled you.

I don't know. That seems a little complicated.

Yeah, that sounds cheesy.

You won't get away with this!

I already have, Mitch.

You know the best thing about winning is that you get to write the story of what happened.

Isn't that right, Mr. Gold Medal?

f*ck you, lady. Pass.

What's that?

What the hell?

It's a big red button.

The big red button.

Time to die, boys.

No!

I was born of the sea!

I eat fire coral and I piss saltwater!

I scratch my back with a whale's d*ck, and I loofah my chest with his ball sac.

What the f*ck?

I'll die when the tide stops and the moon drowns!

Until then...

Go, baby.

I'm oceanic, m*therf*cker.

How tacky.

Mitch, you just blew her up! Yeah.

Plus I'm high as a m*therf*cker right now on Devil's Urchin.

You stabbed yourself with one of those?

I thought that was supposed to k*ll you.

It does.

And I'm in desperate need of medical attention.

That wasn't so bad.

That's good luck. Pick it up.

What? What? God, there's so much blood.

What? God, why do I keep looking?

What took you so long with Leeds?

I didn't want to make it seem like it was too easy.

The adrenaline kept you alive.

Thank God you make us carry these.

Take it easy.

You saved your own life this time.

Thank you. Yes.

Hey...

So I hear you were...

You were right the whole time. And...

I owe you an apology.

Owe you an apology.

No apology needed.

I mean, we saved the bay.

So you can hit us on that shell phone anytime.

Come on, brother.

My man. My man.

Hey!

What part of "You're fired" do you not understand, Mitch?

Get the f*ck off my beach or I'll have you arrested.

Hey, Thorpe.

Oh, my God.

This is our beach, bitch. And you're under arrest.

That was a badass right cross, Brody.

You just said my real name.

Hey, k*ller.

Hey.

Morning. Good morning.

Do you want breakfast?

Okay. Okay, cool.

Pancakes? Yeah.

Bacon? Yeah.

Cinnabon?

I saw you do that. You're still there.

Yup, just the... Bacon sounds good too.

Good morning.

That was a hell of a punch, mister.

Thank you. I mean, it's not exactly in the lifeguard manual, but...

Well, I told you I would learn better if I had a study buddy.

Don't get ahead of yourself.

Oh, my God. Did you just...

Look at my d*ck?

Now we're even.

Oh, my God.

We're late. We have to go. Come on.

I found something.

How'd you get this? Well, it washed up on shore.

You only threw it eight feet, dude.

Thank you.

You're welcome. You're very welcome.

Guys, after finding the dr*gs, helping save Chen and helping me blow up the bad girl with a Roman candle, it's a pleasure to say you are officially no longer trainees.

Congratulations. Yeah, guys.

Hey, guys, one more important thing.

I want to introduce you to our new captain who has been running our Hawaii division very successfully for years now.

The amazing Captain Casey Jean.

Is it just me, or is she in...

In super-slow motion? Yeah.

This is gonna take a while.

That's how we roll.

Oh, f*ck!

All right, here we go. I think we should roll with it. Let's do it.

Yeah, we saw it in the coroner's... Coroner's...

Yeah, we saw it in the corn...

Coroner's. We saw it in the coroner's report.

It was in the coroner's report.

I'm gonna get it. "In the coroner's report."

Yes, we saw it in the coronary's report.

Ronnie. What?

Stop looking at the donuts like that and dump them.

Oh, boy, that was fun.

You're like a dolphin on cocaine, but not annoying at all.

You're like if a human f*cked a jet ski...

Which is impossible, but it'd be so cool.

What?

Okay, I got this.

Come on, dude. Hurry up. f*ck, how'd you do that?

Because I'm f*cking strong. Let's go.

What do your balls say?

"Don't follow Mitch's balls. Mitch's balls be stupid."

Your hidden balls want to go to the cartel?

Right now. It's just a third testicle.

My balls are talking...

I need you to check his taint for needle marks.

God damn it.

It's... And hairy.

God, it's getting really fro-y in here.

Smile.

Love your chest, it is so...

I like your chest as well.

It doesn't work when you say it back to me like that.

Hey, C.J., why do our suits ride so far up our asses?

It makes us faster in the water.

Did you just... Please.

I hope that doesn't make the boob-lers...

All right.

I'd love it if you wore tighter pants.

I really would.

Why do you get to play Mitch Buchannon?

You're joking.

No, I've been Mitch Buchannon for 20 years.

Am I gonna be in the sequel?

I think you should be in the sequel.

Do I look like a tiny little assh*le next to him?

No. Okay, good.