03x05 - Its a Swamp Thing

[bunniefuu]

[EXHALES]

[GRUNTS]

[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRUNCHING]

So did you do it?
Did you get into the Green?

Did you find out where Frank is?

Harls, I'm really trying to focus here.

Got it.

- [BREATHING DEEPLY]
- [CRUNCHING]

[GULPS AND CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Sorry, it's not the chips.

Accessing the Green
is just harder than I thought.

It's like trying to read a subway
map when you're hungover.

You know what? I'm good. I'm good.

[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]

[POISON IVY] Frank?

Where the f*ck did you get that needle from?

That sh*t's longer than my arm.

No. No!

No! f*cking no.

No!

No!

[PANTING]

Frank's in trouble.

Oh, no!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

I should have been able
to go deeper in the Green.

I've done it before.

I was Zen as hell.

Maybe you just need a break.

Yeah, but it should be easy for me.

The Green is a web of
interconnected plant consciousness.

That's me.

My consciousness should be connected.

I must be doing something wrong.

Ive, I know how much Frank means to you.

I hate seeing you suffer like this.

As your girlfriend. a psychiatrist, an
avid watcher of detective procedurals...

We just need to get him back.

I need some chamomile tea.

Man, who drank all the good stuff?

I've only had one sip,
but I do tend to backwash.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

Okay, You know what?

You're right. I... [CHUCKLES]

I just need to clear my head
and take a little break.

I think that's a great idea.

Just clear your head...

Actually, that works out
because remember those plans

we made with Nora Freeze two months ago?

- I do not.
- Me neither.

- But apparently they're tonight.
- Oh, God. Honey, cancel.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

She was frozen for years.

I think it's exactly the kind
of break you both need.

Just a dumb, fun night.

This is my driver.

We just did coke up the butt.

[WHOOPS]

See? It's gonna be chill.

[BRUCE] It's been nice having
you stay at the Manor.

Equine excellence.

Speaking of galloping, I know
the trek to your wing is quite far,

so I thought, you might want
to stay in my wing tonight.

To do what?

Well, if you decide to stay,
I got you something.

I mean, uh... so what do you think?

Hmm?

Tightly adhering to something. Clingy.

I could have Alfred make us nachos.

A good gift would have been a silk bonnet,

since your sheets
make sandpaper look like satin.

I need to stay at my place for a few nights.

Don't cry.

I never know what to do
with wealthy male tears.

Cool. Cool.

I could use some me time, too.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[HUMMING]

[SUIT SQUEAKING]

[BRUCE] Alfred! Gonna need some nachos.

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION]

Hey, summon the Cobb Squad!

You want to drop acid?

- No, I'm good. Thank you.
- No. Thank you.

I believe Nora is going through
what is known as "some sh*t."

Babe? Babe? Help me do a Salchow Axel.

- Oh, yeah. Oh, oh...
- Yeah. Great.

Okay. But, uh, guys, we really
need to be focusing on finding Frank.

- I can help.
- Uh, yeah. I think we're good.

You look like you
got your hands full. So...

[NORA EXCLAIMING]

[CHUCKLES] This guy? I
don't give a f*ck about this guy.

I want to hang with you guys.

Ivy's got it, though. You know,
nobody's better at the Green than her.

Well. I would... That's not entirely true.

I think Swamp Thing is...
is stronger than I am.

Yeah, we'll get some
kind of swamp thing to help.

No, no, honey. I meant Swamp Thing.

He's a person. Well,
he's not actually a person.

He's like the consciousness of a person.

Put in a... [INHALES DEEPLY]

- It's hard to explain.
- Is he hot?

Um... He's like vines.

[STAMMERS] Swamp Thing is so powerful.

He could... Oh, by the way,

he could find Frank
through the Green, like easy.

So we'll call him
and tell him to find Frank.

Yeah, but it's... You can't do that.

I mean, he hates me.

He's an empath to all beings,

and I'm obviously anti-humanity,

and he just didn't...
He didn't vibe with that.

[NORA] I could freeze him.

What do you mean you can freeze Swamp Thing?

Yeah, I could freeze him.

And then we'll tell him we won't
unfreeze him until he agrees to help you.

It's not a terrible idea.

You know, he lives
in the swamps of New Orleans.

- Love NO. Jazz.
- Oh, yeah!

Trip to New Orleans!

Where we are gonna be laser-focused

and find Frank, and do whatever
makes my girlfriend feel good.

One yard of margarita...

Nope. Never mind. Just Frank. We're on it.

I would love to join,

but the early call times shall
not allow for such a romp.

I do so wish I could dip a world
famous Du Monde's beignets

into a fresh cup of Java with you.

Beignets! Ivy, we gotta get a bag.

Well, someone should stay
to feed Selina's cats.

And they do seem to like me.

Oh, sounds like this is turning into a fun

yet incredibly focused girls trip!

- Girls trip?
- Huh? Huh?

- Yeah?
- Yeah?

Uh, so this is about finding Swamp
Thing so we can find Frank, right?

It's not a party.

[BOTH SOFTLY] Uh-uh.

I'm gonna explode if you
don't give me some beads!

[ALL GASPING]

- Nora, no. Bad girl.
- Nora, we're still at the airport.

- [MEOWS]
- Ouch!

You have to leave.

No, I'm pretty sure I live here. Right?

Fine. But you need to find
something to do for the next six hours.

Ooh! Six hours?

Too much to see the city, not
enough to really know the city.

Oh! Hey, wait. Can I just get my phone?

Mmm.

- [KANGAROO BOUNCING]
- [WOMAN SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS]

Ugh! Ads.

We should call our son Bruce.
A perfect name for a son

I will definitely see grow up.

A Hard Wayne's Gonna Fall.

Directed by James Gunn.
In theaters this fall.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Hmm?

Hi, uh, Selina.

[SIGHS] Bruce. I told you
I needed a little me-time.

I know, but I was concerned
that you might be feeling alone.

[CLEARS THROAT] Obviously,
that's not something I'm feeling.

Uh, anyway. I... I purchased
these two cats for you.

Is the only thing you know
about me that I like cats?

These cats are special. They're Persian.

- I named them Martha and Thomas.
- After your dead parents?

- I didn't realize.
- [CATS PURRING]

I just consider them
to be strong Christian names.

I'm not taking those Anglo-Saxon
pseudo parent cats, Bruce.

Can you carry Thomas
and Martha to the car?

[GASPS]

[NORA] Ugh! This place sucks.

No one here is going to ask to bite my neck.

So I know that someone here
is going to know Swamp Thing.

So let's just keep a low profile, okay?

And then we'll just get outta here.

I hear you're looking for
a thing down in a swamp.

Might I be of service?

[WAILING EERILY]

- Give us a ring. Won't you, love?
- John Constantine.

Poison Ivy.

Tell us where Swamp Thing is.

I can't just go about
giving that information.

Not for free, that is.

I'll tell you where he is if you can
out drink me. [SNAPS FINGERS]

Let's make some sh*t disappear, Criss Angel.

I want Frank back,

but this guy, he's bad news.

Oh, Frank's lucky to have a friend like you.

I don't have any friends like that.

They crave the old Nora, but
I don't know what to tell them.

- [NORA BURPS]
- Wow. So vulnerable.

I... Is there anything you'd like to add,

now that we're letting our walls down?

Hey, Constantine. Bring your
Houdini ass over here and let's do this.

[SIGHS]

[ALL SNORING]

[PHONE VIBRATING]

[YAWNING] Hello?

Where are you guys?

You were supposed to meet me
at the swamp an hour ago.

What the hell happened last night?

Ugh, I out drank Constantine, and
he told me where Swamp Thing was.

Then we said we'd meet at the
swamp after you got beignets...

- My beignets!
- Um...

- Where are you?
- Connie has a map.

Check his pockets.

And if you see my room key,
could you grab that, too?

[SNORES]

Oh, I have that bra and that one too.

Oh, that one, too. Mmm-hmm.

Okay. We'll be at the swamp ASAP.

Just look out for Swamp Thing.

Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I'll be... [SCREAMS]

[SIGHS] I cannot believe
we missed getting beignets.

Honey, I'll buy ya beignets
when we find Frank, okay?

I know that's a promise you're
making while you're stressed,

but I'm holding you to it.

Oh, my God! We should
not have even brought Nora.

She left us at that bar.

I should have planned better.

As your friend, Frank was stolen.

That is a fact. That is not your fault.

As your girlfriend, I need you
to take it easy on Ivy, okay?

She's her own worst critic and
holds herself to an impossibly high bar.

Thank you.

Thank you for saying that.

I just... I can't accept it.

I just... I screwed up.

And now look at us, you know?

We're in the swamp.

It's so loamy, and earthy and shiny.

[CHUCKLES] Picturesque, really.

Oof! It's breathtaking, really.
Dare I say, ethereal.

Whoa! Swamps are awesome.

[BOTH GASP]

Hey, you two.

Chai lattes?

Mother... Martha, you've
hardly touched your tuna.

[MEOWING]

Oh! [LAUGHS] Yes. Very funny.

Master Wayne, I hate to see you like this.

I'm fine, Alfred.

Soon I'll learn cat and be able
to communicate with my parents.

I mean, my cats.

[GRUNTS]

[BOTH GROANING]

Selina?

What's going on?

[PERSON LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Ugh! Who drinks chai?

I do. You know that.

Hey, is Linda home?

Uh, we got divorced.

She said we weren't compatible, and
also everything about me is disgusting.

Mmm.

Oh, my God! Did you have sex with him?

Alec and I connected beyond the physical,

But, yes, we f*cked.

Well, it's not every day that a
beautiful and majestic creature

stumbles into your home drunk at : a.m.

Would anyone like more?
I'm just obsessed with this stuff.

- And the chai is not bad either.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

You need to freeze Swamp Thing
so we can force him to find Frank.

I don't know if I can freeze a guy

who was inside of me
less than hours ago.

Oh! Ew!

Okay. TMI. But he likes you, right?

So just maybe, like, ask him to help us.

He'll listen to you

given... the connection you guys have.

- You're right.
- Okay. Go.

Oh, man. It's so g*dd*mn humid down here.

My hair must look insane.

It's beautiful.

In an early ' s power suit sort of way.

Listen, I don't want
to force a conversation,

but I understand what you're going through.

If you were missing, I would be lost.

Okay? And you love him so much...

Hey, babe, could you...
Seriously, like, I'm good.

Like, you don't have to, like, you
know, sweetly check in and all that stuff.

I mean, we're good.

- I... I promise.
- Great news.

- We're going to get beignets.
- Oh, hell yeah!

Wait. Why?

Well, I went over there
and he's just so sexy,

I got lost in his vines,

and then I felt weird about
asking for such a big thing,

and then we had a quickie,
smoked a J, and I was hungry,

- so he suggested beignets!
- That was fast.

- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
- [GRUNTS]

- Show yourself.
- [CLAPS]

Oh, my apologies.

I'm a fan of the extravagant.
A little shock and awe.

- What is this?
- Notebook.

Comfy couch. Tissues.

I'm a therapist.

I'm here to help you talk about
your feelings in this relationship.

- Alfred.
- I'm fine.

- Same.
- An emotionally unavailable duo.

We could spend weeks slowly
getting each of you to open up

and come to a greater
understanding about your relationship.

[IN SING-SONG VOICE] Or,
I could make each of you

sing those feelings right now.

Neither.

I'm not talking about my feelings
and I'm definitely not singing.

What kind of therapist are you?

[KNUCKLES CRACKING]

♪ Well, well, well ♪

♪ Look who's falling Under my spell ♪

Music Meister.

♪ Express your souls
Don't try to hold back ♪

♪ It's best to just Let go and relax ♪

[BOTH GRUNTING]

I'm not participating in this buffoonery.

So how about you choke on my...

♪ Ass ♪

Huh?

[SWAMP THING] This line
has gotten so crazy recently.

It's a few Silicon Valley bros
kind of gentrifying the swamp.

They got the recipe from an
algorithm and charge $ a beignet.

[SCREAMS] I cannot wait.

I'll do three powdered sugar.
Ooh, ooh, two chocolate.

Oh, sh*t. Nutella filled? Yes, yum. Yum.

Nora?

Why didn't you just ask
Swamp Thing about Frank?

It was awkward.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm so sorry that asking you

to make a small and simple request

of your boyfriend was too awkward for you.

Whoa! [CHUCKLES] He's not my boyfriend.

I'm not?

Well, I'm just not looking
for anything serious.

- Also, we met nine hours ago.
- But we connected.

I let you inside of me, literally.

I'm just having fun, Alec.

[GASPS]

[ROARS]

The algorithm!

I just wanted one f*cking beignet.

[GROWLS]

Jesus Christ, Nora! You couldn't
just lie and say he's your boyfriend?

I can't tie myself down right now.

I'm in my sexual prime. [SCREAMS]

This sucks.

Swamp Thing is so sensitive.

It's like Nora doesn't want
to date his soft, country ass,

so he destroys everything.

As your girlfriend, he's
being totally f*cking annoying,

and it f*ckin' sucks.

As a psychiatrist, this is
not healthy. [SHRIEKS]

But the swamp hurricane is an
expression of his inner trauma.

[GRUNTING]

Huh, he clearly has a
lot of pent-up emotional

baggage that he needs to work through.

He's a grown-ass plant man.

He's having a temper tantrum, and
it's literally affecting the ecosystem.

[GROWLS]

[STRAINING]

Don't fight it. Also, you can't.

[CHUCKLES] It's my superpower.

♪ I don't want To be tied down ♪

♪ I just want to get around ♪

♪ I don't wanna Stay at night ♪

♪ I wanna get it on Not fight ♪

♪ I just wanna go to bed ♪

♪ Without nasty feet Lying next to my head ♪

♪ I just want to fall asleep ♪

♪ On my California king
In my bedroom suite ♪

♪ I'd like to be alone ♪

♪ I just wanna be alone ♪

♪ I don't want To hold you back ♪

♪ But maybe you can Cut some slack ♪

♪ I just wanna watch TV ♪

♪ And gently rub your back
As you fall asleep ♪

♪ I don't need it To be much ♪

♪ I just want your time
I'll throw out the toothbrush ♪

♪ Come back To the Manor with me ♪

♪ I promise I won't pop In your way as much

♪ I don't want to be alone ♪

♪ I just can't be alone ♪

♪ Movies, TV Outdoor activities ♪

♪ Dancing, skating Fighting over enemies ♪

♪ Eating yogurt, making pies ♪

♪ Reading, loving Feeling, concealing ♪

♪ Getting a ticket For driving too fast ♪

♪ Spraying down Your legs for bugs ♪

[BOTH SINGING] ♪ And giving
The deepest lovin' hugs ♪

- ♪ I don't want to be alone ♪
- ♪ I like to be alone ♪

- ♪ I just can't be alone ♪
- ♪ I need to be alone ♪

- ♪ With you ♪
- ♪ Without you ♪

♪ You gotta open up your heart
To receive love ♪

So...

How are we feeling?

♪ I'm feeling pretty bad ♪

♪ Because my girlfriend
Is breaking up with me ♪

- Yeah. So you don't have to sing anymore.
- Oh.

Right. I'm... I'm fine.

Do you take insurance, or
is this a super bill situation?

[SWAMP THING ROARS]

I'm too sensitive, huh?

[GROANS]

All I was trying to say was
that you could chill out a little.

No! You never let me express myself, Ivy.

This is why we stopped being friends.

[SIGHS] Didn't we stop being friends

because I wanted to destroy humanity?

Sure, that wasn't the best, but it was
mostly that you were a shitty friend.

I would listen to you for hours
complaining about humans being the worst

and how you didn't understand the
appeal of those bougie Lacoste polos.

But if for a second,

I tried to discuss my
impending divorce with Linda,

and how it was ripping my heart apart,

you would find some excuse to leave.

You have no idea what it means
to lose someone important to you.

You're so selfish.

Oh, I don't know what it
feels like to lose someone?

The only reason why I came down here

is because I lost my best friend.

He's the only person who
understood me as me before Harley.

[VOICE QUAVERING] I'm so
worried about Frank,

and I... and I don't know where he is,

and I can't find him in the Green

because I'm not strong enough.

And every second that I spend
here, he's slipping away from me.

Maybe forever.

And it's my fault and I need
to get him back and I have to.

[SOBBING]

Whoa!

I have to get him and I can't.

Thank you for letting me into
your heart. It means so much.

[SNIFFLES]

Is this me or you?

Oh! Thank God, you're okay.

[NORA SCREAMS] Oh!

Let's find Frank.

I've really learned a lot
these last two days.

You can barter coke for almost anything,

and maybe I don't have to live
the life I lost all at once.

Oh, my goodness!

Did you guys do this on purpose
to get me back on track?

Set up this whole thing with
Ivy in New Orleans and Fred?

Frank.

- It's Frank. But sure, yeah.
- You guys.

You're a real badass, you know that?

How so?

Uh, I saw you out there going
to battle with your inner demons.

Obviously, I tried to drop some
bread crumbs along the way,

but you got there on your own.

That is boss lady sh*t.
Matches your big hair.

Oh, wow! That's too... That is... [SIGHS]

Thanks for... Thanks for
putting up with my stubbornness,

and my hair. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Aw! Anytime, dolly.

[GIGGLES]

[GASPS] Beignets! How...

Oh, my God, I love you so much.

So, seriously,

like, do you think that you can...

You can help me use the Green to find Frank?

I don't need to help you.

The only thing stopping you was your fears.

When you open your heart
and your mind completely

you can always access the Green.

You're ready.

Oh, sh*t! I hate it when the
power was inside me all along.

You got this.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Let me out!

Why the hell am I here?

[GASPS]

So, what did you see?

Master Bruce, are you all right?

I'm fine.

I don't need Selina.

I'm not looking for love.

I just want to focus on my career right now.

Poison Ivy did something to him.

And I'm going to figure out what.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]