01x07 - Breaking the Fourth Wall

[bunniefuu]

WANDA: Previously on WandaVision...

You've gone through the boundary twice already.

(GASPS)

The energy inside has re-written your cells on a molecular level twice.

I know what Wanda's feeling and I won't stop until I help her.

(GASPS)

It is my intention to reach those outside of Westview and make sense of our situation.

(GROANS)

The people need help.

Mom!

Mom!

What?

What is it, Billy?

I hear Dad.

He's in trouble.

It's not like your dead husband can die twice.

-(GRUNTS)

-(YELPS)

Maximoff was never gonna negotiate with us.

MONICA: We can't outgun her.

And clearly antagonizing her is only making things worse.

If Wanda is the problem, she has to be our solution.

Oh, fudge!

(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

Look, we've all been there, right?

(CHUCKLES)

Letting our fear and anger get the best of us, intentionally expanding the borders of the false world we created.

(SOLDIERS SHOUTING)

Move it!

Move it!

(SIGHS)

Mom, are you coming down soon?

Mom, our game is freaking out.

(CRACKLE)

CHILD ON TV: Mom, peanut butter and jelly again?

(LAUGHTER ON TV)

Is she asleep?

WANDA: (MUFFLED)

Mommy's not sleeping, honey.

She's just resting her eyes.

Mom, my head feels weird.

It's, like, really noisy.

I don't like it.

(SOFTLY)

Resting her eyes.

As punishment for my reckless evening, I plan on taking a quarantine-style staycation.

A whole day...

just to myself.

That'll show me.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(MELLOW COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SOFTLY)

Oh.

-I got to it first!

-(BOTH GRUNTING)

You always get to it first!

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

RJ: Good morning, Westviewians.

Thanks for tuning in to W.N.D.A.

Not a thing weighing heavily on your conscience.

I hope your little ghosts arrived home safe last night.

It's always such a treat to see those creepy kiddos out and about once a year.

Later on, we'll hear some tips on how to resist the temptation of all that leftover candy.

-(SNIFFS)

-Or just eat it all?

Yeah, I'm not sure what that's about.

It's probably just a case of the Mondays.

(CHUCKLES)

Am I right?

(MELLOW ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Lucky for us, she pumped the brakes.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

I feel very lucky.

What's happening with the broadcast?

Dead air.

The signal's gone.

Make sure the team has everything they need.

We launch today.

Yes, sir.

(FAINT CHATTERING)

(CHATTER GROWS LOUDER)

(MAN WHOOPS)

(PARTY HORN TOOTING)

You're the new clown?

At least you're already in makeup.

You're late for rehearsal with the escape artist.

Come on.

Yeah, I'm not great at this gig, I gotta be honest.

It doesn't really speak to my skill set.

I put in for the bearded lady, but this alabaster complexion wasn't fooling anyone.

(MOUTHING)

Can I help you, creeper?

You don't remember me from last night?

We locked eyes.

There was a unspoken understanding.

Um, hard pass.

No, wait.

Wait up.

Have you seen your dad?

Um, no.

Do you wanna go look for him?

Well, if he doesn't wanna be here, there's nothing I can do about it.

Hey, Mom, last night, Uncle P said that thing about re-k*lling Dad?

Don't believe anything that man said.

He is not your uncle.

Who is he?

(CHUCKLES DRYLY)

Here's the thing, boys.

(TENDER MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm your mom.

And as such, you were counting on me to have all the answers, right?

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I don't.

I have...

no answers.

(CHUCKLES)

Zip.

Zero.

Zilch.

Nada.

Niente.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm starting to believe that everything is...

meaningless.

You're welcome to draw your own conclusions, but that's just where I'm at.

(CHUCKLES)

So maybe I went a little too dark there, but they'll be fine.

Vision is made of vibranium.

They literally inherited tough skin.

(LAUGHTER ON TV)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi, Agnes.

Come on in.

I'd get up, but I just don't want to.

(LAUGHING)

(WANDA SIGHS)

But I think I got there in the nick of time 'cause she was one split end away from cutting her own bangs.

Hey, boys, why don't we give your mom some me time?

(GASPS)

(SOFTLY)

Agnes, are you sure?

Oh, abso-positively.

-Come on, let's go, guys.

-TOMMY: Do we have to, Mom?

Mm-hmm.

Someone needs to be here to take care of you.

-Aw!

-Boys, I'll be fine.

Just go with Agnes.

(CHUCKLES)

I promise I won't bite.

WANDA: Mm.

I actually did bite a kid once.

-Agnes, you are a life-saver.

-AGNES: Aw.

-Is there anything I can do for you?

-AGNES: You know what?

I do have a suspicious mole on my back that I just can't see.

Ah.

Boundaries.

I get it.

Say no more.

(CHUCKLES)

All right, gentlemen, let's keep it moving.

You know what?

If one of you two could take a quick look, I'd appreciate it.

It's right here above my...

(DOOR CLOSES)

(INDISTINCTLY CHATTER ON TV)

(RUSTLING)

MAN: ...delivering flawless offensive plays right out of the gate.

The final goal scored with a remark...

(CHUCKLING)

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

(SCOFFS)

Darcy made it through that last firewall, all right.

Oh, what'd she find?

R and D reports.

All on the same project.

Code name, Cataract.

(SCOFFS)

Hayward wasn't decommissioning Vision.

He was trying to bring him back online.

Nothing worked until...

Wanda stole Vision's body.

That's why he was so focused on tracking Vision inside the Hex.

Hayward wants his sentient w*apon back.

Someone has to tell Wanda.

Look.

There they are.

(ELECTRICAL WARBLING)

-Major Goodner.

-Captain Rambeau.

This is Agent Woo.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you so much for coming.

My mother would appreciate your loyalty.

She's not the only one we're loyal to, Captain.

Let me show you what we brought you.

Did we get your specs right?

She's perfect.

(FOLKISH MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

VISION: Hello?

Excuse me.

Uh, you tried to help me.

Doubtful.

I'm notoriously self-involved.

No, no, no.

Please.

Just hear me out.

All right.

I believe that you were part of a team monitoring a supernatural anomaly.

And now...

Well, you're in it.

(SIGHS)

Fine.

I'll go out with you, but I'm ordering the lobster.

(SIGHS)

Oh, no.

Look, that mime...

His tray is getting too heavy.

Oh, your bad back!

Ooh.

Whoa!

Okay.

Ooh.

Whew.

-Awake?

-Ooh, uh, yeah.

-All right?

-Ooh.

Oh, hello, self.

You know, part of me secretly wanted a guest spot on the show, but seriously, that sucked.

Look, uh, what is your name?

Your real name?

Darcy Lewis.

Dr.

Darcy Lewis.

I intercepted a communication regarding your work.

Hey, the lions just got off stage.

You're up.

Dr.

Lewis, I have questions.

I have answers.

Uh...

Ooh, should we take this convo on the road?

-VISION: Excellent.

-You two are up.

No, I'm so sorry.

Doctor and I have a prior engagement.

She's not goin' anywhere.

-(GRUNTS)

-(GROANS)

VISION: Oh, no!

My nose!

-Sorry.

-Come on.

-DARCY: Oh.

Excuse me.

-Where do you think you're going?

Get back here!

To your house, I assume?

Dr.

Lewis, my questions, are my children safe?

That I don't know.

Who is that imposter, Pietro?

Beats me.

A-ha!

-Let's roll.

-Great.

(SCREAMS)

-Get out of there.

-VISION: Sorry.

Can't hear you.

-What?

-Drive!

VISION: I'm so sorry.

We were double-booked by the agents.

MAN: You got to be on stage.

VISION: Step on it, Darcy!

MAN: What are you doing?

VISION: I can't hear you.

-MAN: You get back here!

I need you!

-(HORN HONKING)

(SIGHS SOFTLY)

-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

-(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(BIRD SCREECHING)

(GASPS)

I don't understand what's happening.

Why it's...

Why it's all falling apart and why...

I can't fix it.

INTERVIEWER: Do you think maybe this is what you deserve?

What?

You're not supposed to talk.

(LAUGHTER)

NARRATOR: Feeling depressed?

(RUMBLING)

Like the world goes on without you?

Do you just want to be left alone?

Ask your doctor about Nexus.

A unique anti-depressant that works to anchor you back to your reality.

Or the reality of your choice.

Side effects include feeling your feelings, confronting your truth, seizing your destiny, and possibly, more depression.

You should not take Nexus unless your doctor has cleared you to move on with your life.

Nexus, because the world doesn't revolve around you.

(SIGHS)

Or does it?

BOY ON TV: Hey, Sammy.

AGNES: Okay, who's thirsty?

Some bevs.

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)

(AGNES SIGHS)

Penny for your thoughts.

I like it here.

Oh, good.

Is it because Señor Scratchy is such a good listener?

No.

It's because it's quiet.

You're quiet, Agnes.

On the inside.

Do you think our mom is okay?

Oh, for sure!

Oh, you don't have to worry about your mom.

Your mom can do anything.

She's supermom.

(CHUCKLES)

Ralph says I sugarcoat things.

But you try telling a 10-year-old that his mother is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

MAJOR GOODNER: Final checks.

We're all set, Captain.

Thank you.

Darcy's not here to give her stamp of approval.

I know.

She's in there and I'm gonna go get her out.

It's our last sh*t, Jimmy.

Godspeed, Captain.

How much faith you have in this thing?

It's our most heavily-armored space rover.

She's gonna sail right through.

Unharmed.

Capcom, check.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Good, check.

On your order, Captain.

Moving out.

Contact in five, four, three...

-two, one.

-(MONICA GRUNTS)

(GASPING)

What happened to sailing right through?

The density is matching her.

I'm close.

It's gonna give!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(YELPS)

The structural integrity is failing.

It's disintegrating.

No, it's being rewritten.

Monica, get out of there!

Do you copy, Monica?

Monica!

Get out of there!

(GRUNTING)

-Monica!

-(YELLS)

(YELPING)

Get a medevac, now!

(GASPS)

Watch out!

(GASP)

-(ELECTRICAL WARBLING)

-(PANTS)

No.

No.

I can get through.

Monica!

No!

(GRUNTING)

(YELLS)

(GASPING)

(STRAINING)

MARIA: No, I can't.

I can't leave Monica.

YOUNG MONICA: Mommy, it's okay.

I can stay with Grandma and Pop-Pop.

MARIA: (CHUCKLES)

There's no way I'm going, baby.

It's too dangerous.

YOUNG MONICA: Mom, maybe I could fly up and meet you halfway?

FURY: Only if you learn to glow like your Aunt Carol.

MARIA: And you were the most powerful person I knew.

DR.

HARLEY: Your mom, she d*ed, honey.

WOO: She was truly an inspiration.

-Sorry.

-No!

CAROL: Your mom's lucky.

When they were handing out kids, they gave her the toughest one.

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(VISION SMACKS LIPS)

So, Wanda k*lled me?

Yes, but it's not that simple.

You asked her to do it.

Why would I have done that?

To save the universe.

Well, half of it.

Did it work?

It did.

Until the bad guy rewound time and k*lled you himself.

There are a few extra steps, but to set up the context...

I came back and d*ed again.

And she had to watch.

Oh, man, another red light?

It's kinda overkill out in the sticks here, don't you think?

Yes.

I believe...

I think that Wanda is creating these impediments to stop me returning home.

Also, it never rains in Westview, right?

Whoa!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SCOFFS)

(SCOFFS)

I'm not amused.

(WORKERS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Yeah, great.

Just take your time, fellas.

So if I understand correctly, my original code dates back to an AI called Jarvis?

But my corporeal form was born of Ultron's plan for global genocide?

Correct-o.

What am I now?

(SIGHS)

Honestly, I'm a STEM type of lady, so I thought she just flipped a switch on your head and brought you back to life, but what I don't get is why you can't leave the Hex.

What I do know is I've been watching WandaVision for the past week.

And the love you two have is real.

You belong together.

(LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING)

(PANTING)

(PILLS RATTLE)

Wanda?

Wanda!

What are you doing?

-Wanda...

-How did you get in here?

Listen to me.

This whole thing is about Vision.

-Get out of my house.

-Hayward was trying to bring him...

Don't talk to me about that.

I don't wanna hear about it.

-(SCREAMS)

-The drones, the missiles.

Pietro?

No, wait, Pietro, no, no, no, that wasn't us.

All you do is lie!

(GASPS)

(PANTS)

(GASPS SOFTLY)

The only lies I've told are the ones you put in my mouth.

Careful what you say to me.

Do it, then.

Take me out.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

See, see?

That's where you and Hayward differ.

He's gonna burn Westview to the ground just to get what he wants.

Don't let him make you the villain.

Maybe I already am.

I'm not afraid of you, Wanda.

I lost the person closest to me, too.

The worst thing I can think of has already happened to me and I can't change it.

I can't undo it.

I can't control this pain anymore.

And I don't think I want to, because it's my truth.

Wanda, you have to...

Young lady, I think you overstayed your welcome.

Poor Wanda's been through enough.

This doesn't concern you.

Wanda...

Run along, dear.

-Wanda, you have to take it down.

-No.

-Don't make me hurt you.

-All right.

MAN: Okay, let's wrap it up.

Yes, finally.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Oh, come on!

-(KIDS CHATTERING)

-WOMAN: Come on, kids.

Kids?

What's next, puppies?

I had no idea how much Wanda had endured before coming to Westview, how much we both had, I guess.

Though I can't remember it.

For me, it feels like it happened to someone else, you know?

But for her...

It's mere weeks ago.

What am I doing here, sitting, talking to you when I should...

This is...

This is absurd.

I need to get to my wife.

(KIDS CHATTERING)

So I'll just meet you there, then?

Oh, here.

Would you like a cup of tea, hon?

-Sure.

Thank you, Agnes.

-Okay.

Sit down.

Be right back with that.

Aw.

Ay, ay, ay.

(SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT TV CHATTER)

KIDS' VOICES ON TV: Jump!

Jump!

Jump!

(SINGING)

Jumpy, jump, jump, jump, jump Jumpy, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump Jumpy, jump, jump, jump, jump Jumpy, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump (SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)

Where are the twins?

Oh, they're probably just playing in the basement.

(DOOR CREAKS)

Boys?

Tommy?

Billy?

(METALLIC THUD)

AGNES: Wanda, Wanda.

You didn't think you were the only magical girl in town, did you?

(METALLIC THUD)

The name's Agatha Harkness.

Lovely to finally meet you, dear.

(PEPPY MUSIC PLAYING)

MALE CHORUS: (SINGING)

Who's been messing up everything?

WOMAN: It's been Agatha all along MALE CHORUS: Who's been pulling every evil string?

WOMAN: It's been Agatha all along MALE CHORUS: She's insidious WOMAN: Ha-ha!

MALE CHORUS: So perfidious That you haven't even noticed -And the pity is -MAN: The pity is Pity, pity, pity, pity MALE CHORUS: It's too late to fix anything Now that everything has gone wrong -Thanks to Agatha -WOMAN: Ha!

MALE CHORUS: Naughty Agatha WOMAN: It's been Agatha all along (GASPS)

And I k*lled Sparky, too.

(LAUGHING WICKEDLY)

(STIRRING MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

Snooper's gonna snoop.

(GASPS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)