02x01 - Old Friends

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Resident Alien"...

Hello, cousin.

You cannot give up on your mission.

Once I eradicate humanity...

Don't move.

I'll return to my planet a hero.

If you don't tell me what is happening,

I'm going to lose my sh*t.

I am what your people
call an extraterrestrial.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

If you k*ll everyone, you k*ll me.

Then I won't k*ll everyone.
I will miss you, friend.

I'll miss you too, friend.

Hi. You're taking me home, right?

This is some bullshit.

Being an alien is easier
than being a human.

We have evolved past having emotions,

so we are not forced to deal with things

like seasonal depression or road rage.

We also have no roads,
so nobody can cut you off,

not even Alpha Draconians,

who are lizard-faced dickheads.

After living on Earth,

I am not just an alien
with human emotions.

I am an alien with human memories.

Is there a point where
I become more human than alien?

I wanna go home!

I'm not turning around.

You should've thought of
that before you got in.

I didn't know we were going
all the way to Grandma's house!

Well, now you know, all right?

You can sing the song "Itsy
Bitsy Spider" to pass the time.

You are the spider because

everyone hates you
and you are itsy bitsy.

You are! And you're mean! I'm not going.

Go ahead. Jump out of the car.

Your lungs will explode.

I'll enjoy washing your
guts off the side of the car.

- Turn around, stupid!
- What are you doing? Let go!

♪ This is ground control to Major Tom ♪

♪ You really made the grade ♪

[SCREAMING ECHOING]

You've suffered fairly
significant head trauma.

Are you experiencing any
issues with memory loss?

[GROANING SIGH]

You were pretty dazed
when they brought you in here.

They said they found you
walking down the road naked.

Do you remember anything?

[SOFT TENSE MUSIC]

Do you know who you are?

I'm an alien.

♪♪

I'm here to k*ll everyone.

[BROWN BIRD'S "BILGEWATER"]

[LAIDBACK ACOUSTIC STRUMMING]

They have Max.

The m*llitary, the mercenaries,
whatever the hell they were.

They must have taken
him out of the warehouse.

- You don't know that.
- I looked everywhere.

Two hours. Inside, outside.
I mean, Max is gone.

What the hell am I gonna
tell his parents?

Try this. "Your kid is gone.

There was an alien involved."

[SIGHING] Oh.

I can't do it.

Well, you can't run from this.

I'll be with you every step of the way.

[SIGHS]

Okay. [TAKES DEEP BREATH]

Thanks for coming with me.

Hell, no. I'm not going.
I gotta cook eggs.

[SCOFFS]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

- Hi, Ben.
- Asta, come on in.

You're just in time for
my famous "Bencakes."

- Pancakes with a secret twist.
- Okay.

The secret ingredient is brown sugar.

Max.

Family secret ruined.

Asta, hi. Everything okay?

Yes, of course.

I just wanted to check
on Max and you both.

I heard there was a break-in last night.

Well, I wanted to know what happened.

Oh, you mean the attempted
kidnapping we thwarted?

[SNARLING AND GRUNTING]

Had to rough up some
perps, but no B-I-G.

Yeah, the police were here all night

trying to collect evidence,
fingerprints, stuff like that.

Wow.

Asta...

you ever looked down
the barrel of death?

Stare the devil in the face?

Dad, the blueberries are burning.

Dang it!

Poor Max.

Looks like he hasn't slept a wink.

That is accurate.

Well, I should go.
I'm just glad you're safe.

Is that blood?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, there was... there
was blood all over us.

- We're safe now.
- Yeah, thanks to you.

Mm-mm. Thanks to you.

[BOTH MOAN]

- You saved me, Daddy.
- Our little baby needs saving.

Our little baby needs to be saved.

- Oh, baby.
- Yeah, I do.

- Are you okay? Are you scared?
- I'm so scared. So upset.

- Are you upset?
- Well, I should just...

Yeah, I'll walk her out.

[INCOHERENT BABY TALK
AND LOUD SMOOCHING]

What the hell happened to you?

Meet me at the baseball
field in minutes.

Okay.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

See, this is why I keep
a fishing rod in the truck.

Plus, you put a french fry on the end,

you can freak the hell
out of some pigeons.

Sir, I don't think

Dr. Vanderspeigle would want
you fishing off his deck.

Trying to get into the mind
of a potential serial k*ller.

Sick bastard.

He probably sat here
fishing just like this.

Doorknob is a match, which
means the original French doors

ended up in the lake.

These ones are replacements.

Okay, so what we got here?
We got... we got a severed foot.

We got the boot that held the foot

That lets us know it's not just
some simple swimming accident.

And then somehow, these doors here,

they end up in the lake.

- What if there was a struggle?
- Oh, yeah.

See, I love how your mind works, Deputy.

You're like a true crime podcast.

- Go ahead. Pod me.
- All right.

What if they fought inside and
then Harry threw dead foot guy

through the French doors...

and he lands around here.

- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [GRUNTS]

Yeah, no, I see where you're going.

And then... and then Dr. V,
he comes out like this.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Grab you like that, and
I throw you in the lake.

You can't. I'm holding your arms.

What if I got an extra set
of arms I use to choke you out?

♪♪

Like an accomplice?

No, like I was in a radiation
accident when I was five,

so my father was a scientist
in the lab and then I snuck in

and then I grew a second pair
of arms and I fight crime.

Huh.

Think we should wait for
the doctor to come home

to talk to him?

No, we don't wanna spook him.

We need to do a deep dive on him first.

We gotta get inside his head,

find out what makes this man tick.

We can't half-ass this one.

Stakes are way too high.

You know what? Maybe I'd
be better with six arms.

That's better than four.

Hell, I can cut my shower
in half if I had six arms.

I'd get my nuts and my butt and my pits,

still have two arms left.

It's a great day to be alive.

♪♪

When we crashed, I blacked out.

I woke up right here.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Watch this.

[FEET CLANKING ON HULL]

♪♪

- Is that the ship?
- It's invisible.

- [METALLIC CLANKS]
- Cool, right?

Yeah, cool.

Where do you think Harry went?

Not home.

♪♪

[GASPS] Not without his ship, anyway.

You know, when he left,

I thought I was done with all this sh*t.

- Sorry.
- It's okay.

I like that word.

I don't know where the hell he is,

but we gotta find him before
someone finds this thing.

♪♪

That's his blood. He's hurt.

I gotta go. Don't let
anyone near the ship.

♪♪

My planet is in your
constellation Ursa Major,

which you call the Great Bear.

It is one of three planets
that orbits our sun.

And your planet, the planet Earth,

is in one of our constellations.

It... it looks like a giant... human...

boob... and your sun is the nipple.

Well, this is very interesting.

What's the name of your planet?

[PERCUSSIVE ALIEN NOISES]

- [CLAPS AND WHISTLES]
- Sounds familiar.

[GUTTURAL RASP]

- [YIPS]
- Think my uncle lived there.

He could never live on my planet.

His carbon isotope ratio

is less than half
the planet's pole magnetism.

[LAUGHS] She's so stupid.

Who else thinks that she is so stupid?

- Let's go this way.
- Mm-hmm.

Cousin, I will save you!

The younger ones are the most dangerous.

- Sir!
- What have you done?

[WHIMPERING]

You have stuffed him.

You bastard!

- Someone get a sedative.
- Yes, Doctor.

Don't touch me. Leave me alone!

I'm a superior being!

[LAUGHS]

Nurse, where's that sedative?

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[MOUSE CLICKS]

♪♪

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Dr. Ethan's late.

I'm sure he'll be here soon.

I heard he hooked up with D'arcy.

Jealous?

I'm busy, Ellen.

I can do without the gossip, okay?

Then I guess you
don't wanna know about

D'arcy crushing Jimmy's truck.

What?

I heard D'arcy and
Jay cut Jimmy's brakes.

Jay threatened to k*ll him
if he ever went near you.

[WHISPERS] Psycho.

[SNIFFS]

[PHONE BUZZING]

Hello?

Hey, Asta. It's Cindy over in Braddock.

We had a guy come in who
matches your description.

[SIGHS] Thank God. Is he okay?

He's had a head injury.
Thinks he's an alien.

An alien? Um, wow.

Yeah, yeah. That's a head injury.

I will be right there, okay? Thank you.

[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]

For humans,

memory is a big part of
who they believe they are.

If a human's brain is damaged
and that memory is affected...

so is their perception of self.

I got news for you, Cosette.

I've got news for you, Cosette.

I got news for you, Cosette.

With a brain that delicate,
they should wear helmets.

[GASPS AND GROANS]

- Where am I?
- You hit your head.

Oh, God, I'm so glad you're okay.

I'm glad you are here.

Hey.

I thought Johnny got to you.

You're lucky to be alive.

Harry, are you okay?

Who's Harry?
I'm Detective Lennie Briscoe.

[SOFT QUIRKY DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Um, who's Lennie Briscoe?

♪♪

[GROANING SIGH]

Wait, who do you think I am?

You're my informant,
Cosette the hooker.

And from the look of you,
you've been working all night.

[SCOFFS]

- [UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]
- [CAR HORN HONKS]

♪♪

♪ Take my hand, come with me ♪

Mrs. Morin, beautiful day, is it not?

♪ Come with me ♪

Hello, Mr. Souza.

Hello, Mayor. Heard you
had some visitors last night.

Well done.

Just a couple of bad
guys came for a visit.

Had to serve them up
a little pound cake.

[CHUCKLES] Be well.

♪ And you and me are free to be ♪

♪ You and me ♪

♪♪

Deputy, why are you in my office?

Oh, Fred used my phone right
after he had an Italian grinder

and I think I may need
to throw it out now.

That was the Taos County
Sheriff Department.

Looks like they found
Dr. Vanderspeigle's truck

in an abandoned warehouse there.

Really?

Taos County. That's in New Mexico.

Interesting.

All right, reach out to
him, have him pick it up,

and then make a note of it in our file.

Yes, sir. Thanks for the coffee.

Actually, they're both for me.

[LAUGHS] Sir.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

And you weren't joking.

Both for you. Everything okay?

Everything's fine, Deputy.
We got a lot of work to do.

- [ROCK MUSIC]
- [ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]

♪♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Please, please, please. Stop clapping.

I'm... I'm no hero.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Okay, that was quick.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

We have a little situation here.

Why is my "Welcome to Patience" sign

in pieces all over my office?

Jimmy Foster's emergency
brake failed over on Wilcox.

His pickup took the sign out.

Street crew didn't
know what to do with it,

so I told him to file it
under your problem, not mine.

[CHUCKLES]

♪♪

[SIGHS]

We gonna have a problem here, Sheriff?

What the hell is that on your foot?

Oh, I think the street term
for them is, uh, shitkickers.

Oh, okay.

Let's see what they're called after

I Sharpie a tiny d*ck on the toe.

♪♪

I am putting my foot on the ground,

but not because you are threatening me.

That leg position happens to
be aggravating my sciatica.

[CHUCKLES]

♪♪

Field's closed!

No, it's not.

[AIR HORN BLASTS]

You heard him. Field's closed.

There's an underground sewage leak.

Crew's on the way.

It doesn't look like a sewage leak.

It doesn't look like

you understand what the word
underground means either.

Go ahead.

Walk across the field and
breathe the sewage particulates

into your lungs.

By day two of the infection,
your colon blocks off

and poop comes out of your eyes.

It's called eye-arrhea.

Yeah, I told you.

Is that true?

I don't wanna breathe poop particles.

No, I made it up.

I'm quick on my feet,

which will be great when
I'm the first person on Mars.

Not first woman, first person.

- Now where is it?
- Sahar!

I'm okay. I'm okay.

♪♪

It's not uncommon with
head injuries like his.

He needs rest.

He will likely regain
his memory again soon.

Mainly just needs somebody
to keep an eye on him.

Okay, thanks.

I will definitely keep my eye...

Oh, no.

[DRAMATIC POP MUSIC]

♪♪

♪ Feel the warmth ♪

♪ Feel my blood circling ♪

♪ Feel the warmth ♪

♪ Feel my blood ♪

♪ Circling ♪

♪♪

♪ Don't ever make me blue ♪

♪ Don't ever sacrifice ♪

♪ Baby, let's keep it pure ♪

♪♪

♪ Pure ♪

♪♪

♪ Asiumanniqi ♪

♪ Asiumanniqi ♪

♪ Asiumanniqi ♪

♪ Naniinniqi ♪

Max, time for lunch.

Max?

Normal.

Why are you doing this? I'm not sick.

You've been to outer space,
which makes you my Guinea pig.

I need to know the
effect of space flight

on the human body before I go to Mars.

Have you experienced any dizzy spells?

No.

- Rapid aging?
- No.

Increased intellectual capability?

What?

That's a no.

Max!

Uh-oh, we got a bogey.

Buddy, what are you doing?

You can't just leave
the house like that.

Your mother is worried sick, all right?

Let's... let's go.

[NEWSPAPER RUSTLING]

What are you waiting
for? Let's go. Come on.

We're meeting your mom at the town hall.

Come on. Let's go.

Okay. Yeah, let's... let's go.

- Sahar, do you need a ride?
- Yes, please.

Get your bikes. Meet me at the car.

All right, drop your bags!
Hats and gloves!

- Let's get out there warming up!
- Oh, no.

♪♪

♪ I see these boys ♪

♪ I see these boys ♪

♪ They say to come through ♪

♪ But... That noise ♪

♪ Ain't what I'm into ♪

♪ Get real, get real, get
real, get real, get real ♪

Out!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ I see these boys,
they say I love you ♪

Yes! Way to go, D'arce!

[GROANS]

Why are the cute
ones always the slowest?

- Did we win?
- [SCOFFING CHUCKLE]

[GROANS]

♪♪

Hey, hey, hey. Nice play, skank.

First time you didn't let
a guy get to home base.

Oh, you know what?
You should try out for the team

'cause your nickname
is already ball girl.

And Judy Doodie,
Pooper Cooper, Sack Lunch.

Hold up.

What'd you do to your hair? Is that new?

Oh, nothing.

I mean, I've just had...
Had this for a long time.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, my God.

Is it, like, the same as yours?

- They're the same.
- That's so weird.

- So weird.
- What?

Anyway, is this for me?

- [CLICKS TONGUE] Thank you.
- Now it is.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

The female assailant's eyes,

were they close together or apart?

Mm. Far apart, I... I think.

I wasn't paying a...
A whole lot of attention

the night they came over for dinner.

There was a fish incident.

And then during the fight,

I didn't really get a good look
either as I was... you know,

I was really hitting
her mostly from behind.

Oh, hell yeah, you were.

He was amazing.
You should have seen him.

- It was so hot.
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

You know how it is

when your man just
takes care of business.

Yeah, my man takes care
of a lot of business so often,

like, all of the time.

The female assailant's nose was it...

- Thin?
- Uh...

Yeah, she... she had kind of, like,

- a Disney princess nose.
- Mm-hmm.

And she... she turned
her head once, you know,

as I was, uh, pounding her.

- Pounding her.
- And they kept trying to get up

and we just... we just kept on hitting.

- Hitting.
- And hitting.

And hitting and hitting and hitting.

And hitting and... and
then... and then she did.

She... she turned her head at the end.

- Blood everywhere.
- And yeah, thin.

Can I have a glass of water?

I think that would be a great idea.

Okay, I am so turned on right now

I just wanna rip your clothes off.

- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

Ew. Here you go.

- Thank you.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Okey-doke.

Let's, um, talk about her lips.

[GASPING] Oh, Jesus.

♪♪

Go ahead. They're not looking.

♪♪

[PHONE LINE TRILLING]

We've been compromised.

What? What do you mean?

What does that mean?

[SIGHS]

Operation "Guard the Ship" is in peril.

Max's dad pulled us off the field.

There's a baseball game tonight.

Oh, no. Okay.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

♪♪

Excuse me, sir. Have you seen my...

Jesus.

Cosette, I thought Johnny got to you.

He has a long memory and a short temper.

Well, I've been
ignoring Johnny's calls.

You know, if you are going to be my CI,

you're going to have
to start... spilling.

I pay you a good money to rat.
Cough up some cheese.

I know someone who stole a suit.

I need something big.

If you can't help with that,
then make yourself useful.

Go get me a street dog

with relish and... and onions.

[KEYS CLATTER]

There's been a m*rder.

♪♪

m*rder, you say?

Now you are speaking my language.

♪♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SLURPING]

♪♪

So tell me about this guy
who d*ed, Harry Venderspundle.

Close.

Um, I don't know.
He was... he was a friend.

You were schtupping him.

No, I wasn't schtupping him.

He was annoying, untrustworthy,

thinks he knows everything.

Kind of did, actually.

He also knew nothing.

He was like a child.

Schtupping a child is a class A felony.

Do I need to call Benson and Stabler?

I Didn't... look.

I used to come in here a lot with Harry

and he loved those
noodles that you're eating.

Do they... do they
remind you of anything?

Yeah.

♪♪

I was working a homicide
case at Tony's on Greenwich.

Do you know the place?

Johnny Sourdough d*ed face
first in noodles like this.

One in the brain, two on the balls.

sh**t had daddy issues.

Stop it. You are not a detective.

Please try and remember, okay?

You...

[WHISPERS] You are an alien.

Cosette, I see you're back on the smack.

My name is Asta.

Help me out, man.

- Who keeps yelling?
- That'll be me.

- Who said that?
- Yeah, you dumb sh*t.

That stupid soup make
your ears stop working?

Do I know you?

Wow, what is going on in your brain?

All I see in there is
hookers and red meat.

Let me clean that up for you.

[GROANING AND SHUDDERING]

- What are you doing?
- [GASPS]

Asta?

- Harry.
- [GASPS]

Harry. Oh, thank God.

- God gets the credit? Great.
- Is that...

Hello there, human idiot.

Did that octopus just call me an idiot?

My ship. My ship.

I don't usually talk to you guys, but

- my friend here needs a little help.
- Harry!

Whoa, whoa! Tell him to break me out!

I'm Monday chef's special!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

- You got this!
- You got this, D'arce!

♪♪

Go, D'arcy!

Strike!

♪♪

- [BAT CRACKS]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪♪

What?

- Hell is he doing?
- Come on!

[BOOING AND PROTESTATION]

The ball is lost. The game is over.

What the hell, man?

[GRUNTS]

He fainted.

Not enough players. Go home.

Dude, get away from me.

- Harry, get off the field!
- C'mon on, Harry!

C'mon, let's get you off the field.

All right, gotta replay that! Let's go!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪♪

[MECHANICAL THUDDING]

- The heck?
- Whoa, whoa!

Ball's still live!

You can't see it, that's your issue!

I could have done that.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪♪

It's damaged.

How do you know? You can't even see it.

[ENERGY THRUMMING]

Oh, sh*t!

Well, now you can.

Now everybody can. Great.

[KEYBOARD TAPPING]

Come on.

What's this? Man, what you doing?

I told you I'll just
eat dinner here tonight.

You don't eat to eat
alone. I know what today is.

Dad, you... you didn't have to do this.

Today is... is... it's
just a regular day.

Buy him a coffee this morning?

Yeah, Dad, I bought him a coffee.

That's nice.

Closest thing to a show of
affection anyone gets from you.

[SOFT DELICATE MUSIC]

♪♪

He d*ed six years ago.

Can't run away from it forever.

Thanks, Dad.

I can get it to fly.

From here? Harry, someone will see it.

No, no. It is too dark.

We're safe.

[ENERGY THRUMMING]

Oh, sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪♪

Goodbye, Asta.

♪♪

[MECHANICAL WHIRRING]

This is is some bullshit.

[QUIRKY DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

It won't fly.

I can fix it.

[ENERGY THRUMMING]

Oh, God.

♪ When the rain is all I see ♪

♪ And the black clouds coming for me ♪

♪ Ain't nothing gonna take my fire ♪

You're gonna burn me?

Ah, we got a lot on the bed.

♪ Nobody gonna make me a liar ♪

Dispatch, you got any
info on this power situation?

Under arrest.

- Oh, easy, girl.
- [NEIGHS]

That's what you get for robbing a bank.

We're running.

Oh, God.

[SOBBING]

You know, this sh*t's getting weird.

♪ Don't matter if the
wolves start calling ♪

[GASPS AND COUGHS]

I just need some water.

Harry, you can't fix it.

I have to. If I do not, I am stuck here.

- Oh, this is really bad.
- My people.

Harry, you are running
out of time, okay?

You cannot fix it. You
have to do something.

You can't fix it because
if someone sees this,

then things will get
worse for you, okay?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Okay.

Okay.

Step back.

Oh, okay. Is it gonna blow up?

♪♪

No.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[WATER SLOSHING]

[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]

♪♪

What is that?

♪♪

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

A survival kit.

For what? So you can blend
with people on the planet?

No, so we can live long
enough to k*ll everyone.

Excuse me?

But I will just do the first thing.

The blending.

♪♪

When I arrived on this planet,
things were simpler.

I was an alien

and only focused on
what was in front of me.

It took me two weeks to get to Patience.

On the way, I met a dog

who taught me the rules
about survival on Earth.

♪ Oh, the devil's on my tail ♪

Simple hygiene...

power dynamics...

[UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

[BARKS EXCITEDLY]

Humans do not look forward.

They have memories that
force them to look backwards.

The alien in me only
failed my mission once,

but the human in me

has relived that
failure a thousand times.

Why would I think about
it if it's painful?

Maybe humans like pain
as much as they like pie.

Mm.

[UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]

Looks like your leg
grew back pretty good.

So you're an alien?

Yes.

And you are Native American.

I am Nuche.

What is Nuche?

It means "The People."

So I should call you Nuche?

You can call me Dan.

My name is difficult
for humans to pronounce,

but you can call me... [HISSING SPUTTER]

It is a nickname.

Huh.

I'll just call you Harry.

Okay, Dan.

♪♪

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

Harry!

What is a skin rat
doing here eating my cereal?

Harry, you're alive!

I did not consent to this touching.

I thought you were
dead. So glad you're okay!

Can you go to the store
and buy yourself...

What are those, little trampolines?

- Cool.
- Yes, then take it

to the ceiling fan
store just down the road.

Turn on the overhead ceiling fans

and trampoline into them
so that your head chops off.

That's rude. Why are you being mean?

Because you are the reason
I am stuck here.

Do you want to see what
my spaceship looks like, hmm?

This... this is what is left!

I had the coolest whip in town

and now, I have a box of alien balls.

If it wasn't for you,

I would be on my planet right now

eating delicious tree skin.

It's like pork rinds,

but it doesn't make you vomit.

You can pretend you don't like me,

but I know you do.

You saved my life in the ship.

- I did not.
- Yes, you did!

You protected me during the crash!

Like... like you are my dad.

How dare you. You take that back.

- You wanna be my father.
- I am your father?

Okay, I'll be your father,
and you are a bad boy.

- What?
- Yes.

This hurts me as much as it hurts you.

This is so inappropriate.

You are inappropriate.

This is why we can't have nice things!

You can say whatever you want,

but you can't take back what happened.

You saved me because you love me.

I don't even remember the crash.

You know why?
Because you are meaningless

to me, you stupid, little jerk.

I know you are, but what am I?

I... no, I did not say that I am a jerk.

I said that you are a jerk.

I know you are, but what am I?

You are not hearing me correctly.

The pronoun is you, not I.

I know you are, but what am I?

[HUFFS ANGRILY]

I'm going into that room over there.

When I come out, you better be gone,

you dumb, little, sh*t pocket.

That makes no sense.

Yes, it does.

If you put sh*t in your pocket.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

Memories define who these humans are.

And if the memories become too painful

or reveal a side of
themselves they don't like,

their brains tuck those memories away.

I am so happy I am not human.

Beep, beep. [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Yes.

It must be summer if you're
bringing out the beast.

"Asta, I'm a beast for you.

I miss your butt ass,
so come on, sit on me."

Get in here. Come on.

[UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

♪ Just beyond those
clouds, there's sunshine ♪

♪ So bright, it will hurt your eyes ♪

♪ Oh, I won't lie,
you've been on my mind ♪

♪ 'Cause all I ever see ♪

♪ All I ever see is you ♪

You always know when
I need something like this.

You know Ethan hasn't come
into work for two days?

I had to cover everything.

Ethan.

Ethan? Ethan, Ethan, Ethan.

I can't quite place...
Who is that again?

You know. You remember the doctor?

- Yeah, I don't...
- Oh, let me help you.

He worked for Médecins sans frontières.

- Mm?
- [FAKE GAGS]

- Mm.
- [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, you hooked up with him
and thought I didn't know.

- That Ethan.
- Yes.

- That's right.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Well, I guess we both know
each other's secrets now.

Jay told me.

Oh,

I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Jay.

Don't be.

I should have known, first of all.

You guys are pretty much identical.

Like, duh.

Well, you guys have a lot in common.

I heard you two had an
adventure the other night.

- [CHUCKLES] Right.
- Uh-huh.

You remember when Mrs. Pinkham

assigned us "Beowulf" in school?

Yeah.

Yeah, and Molly Swenson
called me a bitch,

so you dumped your food tray
on her and called her Grendel.

- Oh, that was awesome.
- Yeah, epic.

So, like, Jimmy's the new Grendel.

Sometimes you gotta slay a monster
for your best friend.

- Come here.
- Aw, man.

That's like the most romantic thing

anyone's ever said to me.

- That can't be true.
- [CHUCKLING] That's so true.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪♪

Harry?

Harry!

♪♪

What are you doing?

I thought you were drowning!

I was thinking.

Can't an alien think underwater
without being disturbed?

- [COUGHS]
- You have gills?

You lungers.

You are very judgmental. Mm.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

You might have a concussion.

I wanted to make sure you were okay,

but I found you face down in the water,

which I guess is normal for you, so...

cool.

We started as water beings.

I guess that explains
the weird, talking octopus.

All octopuses can talk.

They just don't like talking to humans.

Number only talked to
you because you are with me.

- His name is number ?
- On the menu.

Octopus in black bean sauce. Number .

And you wonder why they
aren't speaking to humans.

Octopuses are our descendants.

They are the closest thing
to my people on Earth.

I miss my people.

I should not be here.

- I am not Nuche.
- Mm.

You've been talking to my dad?

My family is very far away.

You know, on Earth,

you don't really have to
be related to be family.

In fact, you don't have
to be like them at all.

Then how are they family?

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

Sometimes family is just

the people in your life that you love,

that you'd do anything for.

Dan is family, D'arcy is family too.

- I kissed D'arcy.
- [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, she mentioned that.

Her eyelid tasted like a potato chip.

[LAUGHS]

You know, kissing
doesn't normally include

tasting someone's eyelid.

[CHUCKLES]

I know this is hard for you.

It's a bad feeling to be stuck anywhere,

especially somewhere you hate.

Like you were with Jimmy.

Yeah, I try not to think about that.

It helps, though, to
surround yourself in nature,

people you care about.

They take away the bad feelings.

Human memory is very powerful.

It is more than just
knowledge of what has been.

It contains feelings of that moment.

Memories connect humans
even when they are apart,

memories of someone you've lost.

♪♪

Is that coffee for me?

That coffee is for you.

♪♪

This is for you, too.

♪♪

Let's get to work.

Memories of traumatic
experiences can take you back

to the event days or weeks,
even years after it happened.

[SCREAMS]

Max? Max, I'm coming!

Honey, are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- What happened?

I thought I saw a mouse,
but it was just a sock.

Oh, buddy.

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, he's fine.

I'm just still so freaked
out after what happened.

Why are you wearing that?

Daddy's just playing a little dress-up.

Go and get some sleep, okay, champ?

Honey? [CLICKS TONGUE]

- Yeah.
- Let's go.

- See you in the morning, bud.
- Goodnight.

Oh, goodnight.

[QUIRKY DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪♪

[OWL CALLS]

But memories can also connect people

and remind them of better times.

Ethan?

You here?

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Heard you blew off work.

What the hell?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[PANTING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Dude, it's about time you came back.

The chef here is a sicko.

Last night, I swear he fed me octopus.

Are we family?

Um, yeah, I guess so.

I mean, I'm not, like,
I'll help you move family,

but more, like, I'll see
you at the reunion and say,

"Well, you got fat" family.

I am afraid I am becoming too human.

I need family to remind me who I am.

Well, in that case, break me out of here

and we can be roomies, but
you have to do it quick.

Your people will be here soon.

- What do you mean?
- Oh, didn't you know?

Pretty obvious you didn't
complete your mission.

They'll just send someone
else to k*ll everyone for you.

Everyone? Including Asta?

Uh, yeah, Asta? Is... the human?

Yes, she's a human, so yes.

This cannot happen.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I should not care about saving Asta.

She is human.

I know she is, but what am I?

♪ I don't know what
really, really happens ♪

Run, you elegant bastard, run!

♪ I don't know what
really, really happens ♪

♪ At the end of the road ♪