03x01 - Mad Dog Kinney

[bunniefuu]

FADE IN TO LINDSAY AND MELANIE'S HOUSE.

[Black and white. Panning the laughing and talking crowd. Pan by BEN and DEBBIE, MICHAEL, MELANIE and LINDSAY, TED and EMMETT, back to BRIAN and MICHAEL. In slow motion, BRIAN punches MICHAEL. Camera follows MICHAEL to the ground, inter-cut with staggered action sh*ts of a photographer, LINDSAY, MELANIE, and DEBBIE. A boxing bell dings.]

VOICE (later revealed to be MICHAEL)

And he's down for the count! The crowd is going wild! Mighty Mike Novotny has taken it on the chin from Mad Dog Kinney. 7, 8, 9, get up you bum! The winner and new champion is -- hold it, before we crown the champ let's give all you sports fans a blow-by-blow recap so you can see for yourself what the f*ck just happened.

[Action rewinds, still in black and white, through the party]

VOICE

To tell you the truth, I wouldn't mind knowing what the f*ck happened myself.

[In color. Cut to INT. BABYLON. sh*t of Rage poster, general crowd]

MICHAEL

It was a week ago, the night that Mad Dog - I mean, Brian - threw the party for Rage.

[Quick-pan past BEN, MICHAEL. TED, EMMETT, MELANIE, and LINDSAY. They are OS]

BEN

Well, I would say that Rage is all the rage!

MICHAEL

Yeah.

TED [Waving goodbye]

See you later.

EMMETT

Much, much later.

MELANIE

God, do you think they're actually going to --

LINDSAY [kissing MELANIE'S ear]

Do it?

BEN [to MICHAEL]

Hey, what do you say we go home and continue the celebration, huh?

MICHAEL

In a minute, I have to find Brian.

BEN

Okay.

MELANIE

Last time I saw him he was feeling no pain!

LINDSAY

Yeah, getting it on with Shirtless Wonder 4,689!

MICHAEL

He and Justin just broke up.

MELANIE

What?

LINDSAY

What are you talking about?

MICHAEL

Justin's been seeing someone else.

MELANIE

Oh, aren't they always seeing somebody else?

MICHAEL

This time it's different. [He looks around] I'll be back.

[Camera shows LINDSAY looking very disconcerted, MELANIE dancing]

[Cut to EXT. BABYLON, BEN and MICHAEL walking down the alley]

MICHAEL

It just bugs me, because he doesn't even -- [He sees BRIAN'S Jeep] Brian! Brian!

[BEN and MICHAEL look at each other as BRIAN drives away]

[Cut to ETHAN'S apartment, Justin in bed. A violin can be heard. Justin wakes up and stretches. ETHAN is naked, playing]

ETHAN

I promised I'd serenade you awake, didn't I?

[ETHAN climbs into bed and kisses JUSTIN]

JUSTIN

You also promised me breakfast in bed.

ETHAN

Aha.

[He grabs a platter of food]

JUSTIN

Dark chocolate?

ETHAN

Is there any other kind?

JUSTIN

Mm.

ETHAN

I can't believe you're finally here. That we actually spent the entire night together. [He kisses JUSTIN]

JUSTIN

I'm here. I can't stay. I have to go to class, gotta work. I also have to pick up my stuff.

ETHAN

What if he's there?

JUSTIN

What if he is? I don't care. I'm with you now.

[ETHAN gives JUSTIN a rose. They embrace and fall back onto the bed]

[Cut to the comic book store, fast-paced.]

MICHAEL (initially VO)

Brian, where the f*ck are you? Are you all right? Call me. [He hangs up the phone. To customer] That'll be $5.25, with tax.

CUSTOMER #1

I'll take a Rage t-shirt too.

MICHAEL

Oh, this is not for sale.

CUSTOMER #2

Do you have any more copies?

MICHAEL

I think I just sold out the last one.

CUSTOMER #1

When is issue two coming up?

MICHAEL

It's not.

CUSTOMER #2

But what's gonna happen to Rage and JT? Are they gonna get together?

CUSTOMER #1

Yeah, and will Zephyr have a cosmic meltdown if they do?

MICHAEL

I guess we'll never know, so hang on to your comic books, guys, [He picks up the Rage cardboard cut out] it's about to become a true collector's item.

[Cut to INT. BRIAN'S apartment. Someone is knocking at the door]

JUSTIN [Opening the door]

Brian? Brian? [He walks in with a duffel bag and starts putting stuff in it]

[He hears BRIAN moaning and looks around, where he sees himself and BRIAN sitting on the chair naked, eating ice cream from Episode 112. Camera quickly zooms in on it, then back on JUSTIN, then back on the memory. JUSTIN walks into the bedroom and starts packing his stuff from the dresser and closet. He hears the shower going and walks into the bathroom, where he sees himself and BRIAN in the shower having sex. He grabs stuff from the bathroom, then walks quickly back into the main room. He looks back to the bedroom and sees himself and BRIAN having sex on the bed. He looks back wistfully and then leaves the room, inter-cut with the memory. He shuts the door]

[Cut to INT. DINER. DEBBIE is carrying a plate of food to two DINER PATRONS that are reading the Rage comic book]

DEBBIE

Okay, time to put that away and eat your pink plate specials before they get cold! There you go, baby.

DINER PATRON #1

Thank you.

DINER PATRON #2

Thanks.

DEBBIE

You know who wrote that, don't you? My son, Michael Novotny! [Turns to MICHAEL] Hey, no snatching the lemon bars, even if you are a genius. [She kisses him]

[Cut to LINDSAY, MELANIE, TED, and EMMETT at a table]

LINDSAY

You did it, didn't you? We know you did it! Was it heaven? Was it bliss?

MELANIE

Permit me to do the cross-examining. Who was top, who was bottom?

DEBBIE [Walks to the table where they are sitting]

Christ, you sound like me.

MICHAEL

Hold on, did I miss something? You guys didn't actually...

DEBBIE

Order in the court! Answer the question.

EMMETT [Obviously uncomfortable]

Well, let's just say it was, um --

TED

A night like no other.

EMMETT [OS]

I'll remember it, always!

MICHAEL

Remember what?

MELANIE

Didn't we tell you?

MICHAEL

Tell me!

LINDSAY

Ooh, we're so excited for you!

MELANIE

Soon, you'll be celebrating your anniversary, just like us.

DEBBIE

Anniversary? You just got married.

LINDSAY

We always celebrate the day we first got together.

EMMETT

My friends Arnie and Edward, they celebrate the day they first f*cked.

TED

Same thing.

MELANIE [handing out invitations]

We expect you all to be there.

TED

Well don't expect any gifts this time.

LINDSAY [holding up an invitation marked "Brian and Justin"]

Except, what do we do with this?

EMMETT

Guess they won't be coming.

MELANIE

At least not together.

DEBBIE

Poor Sunshine. He really loved him.

LINDSAY

Well, Brian really loved him.

DEBBIE

Yeah, well he should have showed it.

MICHAEL

He did. In his way.

[DEBBIE rolls her eyes and walks away]

TED

Poor Brian, must be sequestered away. Devastated. Disgraced. Broken. Humiliated. [TED starts to chuckle]

EMMETT

Or maybe now he's planning to pack his bags and move on, now that he's no longer Pittsburgh's numero uno h*m*.

BRIAN [OS, at the counter]

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

[BRIAN walks to the table behind the group's and sits down]

TED

How long have you been there?

BRIAN

Long enough to know who my real friends are.

[MICHAEL gets up and goes to BRIAN'S table]

MICHAEL

Brian. You okay?

BRIAN

Brilliant. Dazzling. [He looks towards the door]

[Cut to JUSTIN walking into the diner. They look at each other. The group is silent and everyone looks uncomfortable]

DEBBIE [to JUSTIN]

You just gonna stand there, or you gonna get to work?

[Cut to EXT. DINER. JUSTIN is throwing out the garbage. MICAHEL enters]

JUSTIN

What do you want?

MICHAEL

Well, it's such a lovely day; I thought I'd go for a stroll. You know, take in the sights.

JUSTIN

Of me, throwing out garbage?

MICHAEL

Yeah, well, you're so good at dumping things. [JUSTIN looks at him in shock] You didn't have to walk out on him in front of everyone, you know.

JUSTIN

I Would have told him to go f*ck himself, but he was already doing that. In the back room, with Rage.

MICHAEL

How can you be such a sh*t, after all he's done for you?

JUSTIN

I know what he's done for me.

MICHAEL

You know who he was right from the beginning!

JUSTIN

Yeah. You're the one who told me.

MICHAEL

And did you think that you could change him? That he would change for you?

JUSTIN

I don't want to talk about it. [JUSTIN shuts the lid of the dumpster]

MICHAEL

Of course not. It's over. Onto the next. You got what you wanted.

JUSTIN

So did you. [MICHAEL looks dumbstruck] From the first night that we met and he took me home and f*cked me, you have wanted me gone. Well Mikey, you finally got your wish. There's nothing standing in your way anymore. He's all yours.

MICHAEL

You know, since you're no longer with Brian, there's really no reason for you to be here, is there? So why don't you just do us all a favor, including yourself, and disappear. [MICHAEL walks away, JUSTIN walks back into the diner]

[Cut to sidewalk, EMMETT and TED are posing for a picture]

LINDSAY [OS]

Now, huddle in just a little closer together.

MELANIE [OS]

Okay now, say cunnilingus!

[TED and EMMETT gag. LINDSAY takes the picture, puts down the camera and laughs]

MELANIE

Aww, aren't they adorable?

LINDSAY

Precious.

MELANIE

Okay, we'll see you two lovebirds later. [They walk away]

LINDSAY

Bye!

TED [overlapping]

Bye-bye. See ya.

EMMETT [overlapping]

Later.

TED [Not moving]

Bye. They think we did it.

EMMETT [Also not moving]

EVerybody thinks we did it.

TED

Can we help it if they make certain assumptions?

EMMETT

Didn't they make certain assumptions because we let them make certain assumptions?

TED

It's not as if we lied to them. [They turn and start walking the other way] Or didn't want to do it.

EMMETT

We so want to do it.

TED

It was late!

EMMETT

I, for one, had far too many Rage-tinis.

TED

Could barely keep my eyes open.

EMMETT

Next thing you know, we were asleep.

TED

You know, at least we were in the same bed together.

EMMETT

You know, which means, technically, we did sleep together.

TED

Technically. Anyway, when we finally do...it, we want it to be just right. Right?

EMMETT

Right. Absolutely right. Incredibly right. Beautifully right. [They kiss]

[Cut to BEN and MICHAEL. BEN is on the phone, MICHAEL is cleaning up]

BEN

No, no, of course. I completely understand. It's just that, uh, since I decided not to go to Tibet after all, that maybe you would...oh. Okay then, I hope all goes well. Yeah. You too. Bye. [Hangs up] Bitch.

MICHAEL [holding up a Rage mask to his face]

No luck?

BEN

No, she said she signed the lease in good faith and she intends to stay. Why did I have to sublet my place to a law professor? Well, guess I better start searching. Check out campus housing. [Starts dialing the phone]

MICHAEL

Why do that?

BEN

I gotta find some place to live.

MICHAEL

Live here.

BEN [Putting the phone down and facing MICHAEL]

Live here for a couple days, or live here for good?

MICHAEL

For good.

[Ben sighs]

MICHAEL

Why not?

BEN

It's just that, are we ready for this? I mean, we've never discussed it.

[MICHAEL sits down on the couch with BEN]

MICHAEL

What's to discuss?

BEN

It's a commitment.

MICHAEL

Aren't we committed?

BEN

Of course we are.

MICHAEL

So what's the problem? [Teasingly] Are you afraid we're not gonna be compatible?

BEN

Well, you never know.

MICHAEL

All right, Professor Bruckner, do you throw wild parties? Do you play loud music all night? Do you spend hours in the bathroom? Let's see, what else am I forgetting?

BEN

Just this. [He leans in and kisses MICHAEL]

MICHAEL

I say we're gonna get along just fine.

BEN

Mm-hmm.

EMMETT [Walking in the door]

Hi boys. Hope I'm interrupting something!

MICHAEL

Em, what would you say to Ben moving in here?

EMMETT

Um, well that's kind of a lot of people in a small space. But hey, I like a lot of people in a small space!

BEN

What about you and Ted?

MICHAEL

Yeah, what about you and Ted? I thought you were gonna bite the b*llet and tell him no.

EMMETT

Well, let's just say I decided to bite something else.

BEN

That's great, you guys decided to get together.

EMMETT

To think he has been right in front of my nose all along.

MICHAEL

Still, I can't imagine having sex with your best friend.

EMMETT

Really? So, so what, I'm sorry, because you can't imagine it, what, Teddy and I don't deserve to be as happy as you and Ben?

MICHAEL

I didn't mean that. I want you to have everything in the world, including the hottest sex. I just don't want to hear about it.

[They all smile]

[Cut to BRIAN'S apartment. BRIAN enters, puts suitcase on sofa and takes off his coat. He enters his bedroom and notices JUSTIN'S things are gone. He picks up a piece of clothing and then looks into the bathroom. He sees a picture of Rage on the counter and crumples it up]

[Cut to park. LINDSAY and BRIAN are walking GUS in a stroller]

LINDSAY [OS]

How could you just let him walk out like that?

BRIAN [OS]

What would you have had me do, throw myself down on my knees and beg him not to go?

LINDSAY

Well I'm not surprised he left. In fact, I saw it coming.

BRIAN

Did you hear that, sonny boy? What a perceptive puss your mama is.

LINDSAY

Well, it's not just me, it's everyone. The way you treated him. Refusing to make even the slightest romantic gesture. It's no wonder he found someone else.

[BRIAN lights a cigarette]

LINDSAY [Taking the cigarette out of BRIAN'S mouth and taking a drag]

However, it's not too late.

BRIAN

For what?

LINDSAY

To get him back. [Brian looks at her] Oh, don't give me that f*cking superior sneer. All you have to do is tell him you love him. It's not too much to ask. A small sacrifice.

BRIAN [Sitting on a bench]

And then we could be a happy couple. Like you and Melanie. Or Mikey and the professor. Or, God help us, Ted and Emmett.

LINDSAY [Joining him on the bench]

And what is so terrible with that?

BRIAN

Nothing, it's just that I'm not a d*ke, or the growing legions of dickless fags who think that by imitating them, they're gonna find true happiness.

LINDSAY

So you'd rather be alone, than be with the one person who loved you enough to almost put up with all your bullshit.

BRIAN [Interrupting]

I never loved him. And even if I did, I'd never ask him to put my needs above his, or be something he's not to make me happy. Tell him he's not getting what he wants, then go find it someplace else.

LINDSAY

Well, he certainly learned his lesson. [She kisses GUS, then looks back at BRIAN] Congratulations.

[Cut to INT. DEBBIE's HOUSE, the kitchen]

DEBBIE

Kiki, the new waitress, formerly Kenny, the waiter, told me that Justin quit today. Just like that. Where in the f*ck is the cheese grater? [MICHAEL hands it to her.] Oh, and get this, on his way out the door, he said, 'Be sure to tell Debbie I said goodbye!' Like he was going around the god damn corner.

MICHAEL [tasting something out of a pot]

Ugh.

DEBBIE

What's the matter?

MICHAEL

There's no meat in this!

DEBBIE

The girls wanted vegetarian.

MICHAEL

Lesbian lasagna.

DEBBIE

Christ, Michael, it's not like you have to eat p*ssy.

MICHAEL

Mother!

DEBBIE

And after all I did for that kid.

MICHAEL

After what we all did. I told him loud and clear.

DEBBIE

Told him what?

MICHAEL

That he's a selfish, ungrateful little prick and he should get the f*ck out of our lives.

DEBBIE [Looking shocked and angry]

You told him that?

MICHAEL

Sure did.

DEBBIE [Grabbing a platter out of MICHAEL'S hands]

Give me that.

MICHAEL

What's the matter with you?

DEBBIE

Whatever happened between those two boys is none of your god damn business!

MICHAEL [Sitting down at the table]

Brian happens to be my best friend.

DEBBIE

Yeah, I know all about your best friend. And if you ask me, Justin did the right thing. Hopefully this Ethan kid will appreciate him.

MICHAEL

Brian appreciated him. He did everything for him.

DEBBIE

Everything but love him. But then, he can't love anybody. Not even you.

[Cut to INT. MELANIE and LINDSAY'S HOUSE. camera pans over the decorated table to LINDSAY, who is reading a book to GUS]

LINDSAY [Getting more morose as she reads on]

Time passed, and it looked as if Beauty would never return. And so the Beast shut himself away from the world in loneliness and desapir.

MELANIE

Hey, hey, hey! It's only a fairy tale!

LINDSAY

I know. Hm.

MELANIE [Handing her a picture of the two of them]

Look what I found.

[LINDSAY gasps]

MELANIE

A photo right after we got together.

LINDSAY

Eight years. Hmm. Goes by in a blink.

MELANIE

A flash.

LINDSAY

A smile.

MELANIE

You haven't changed a bit.

LINDSAY

Neither have you.

[They laugh]

MELANIE

Liar!

[They kiss. The doorbell rings. MELANIE goes to answer it]

MELANIE [OS]

Cutie! Linds, looks who's here!

[JUSTIN and MELANIE walk in the room]

JUSTIN

I hope it's not too late.

MELANIE

No, we were just setting up for the party.

LINDSAY

You'll be here, won't you?

JUSTIN

Actually, I have other plans. I came by now to give you guys this.

[JUSTIN hands MELANIE a bottle]

LINDSAY

Oh, you didn't have to bring us --

JUSTIN [Interrupting]

Happy anniversary.

[JUSTIN begins to walk away]

MELANIE

Wait, you just got here!

JUSTIN

Ethan's waiting for me.

LINDSAY

Well, you can bring him too if you want.

MELANIE

And if you're worried about running into Brian, forget it. This is the last place he'd be.

JUSTIN

It wasn't just that. I figured it would be easy for you guys if I wasn't around.

MELANIE

Why the hell would you think that?

JUSTIN

You were his friend first.

LINDSAY

But you're our friend too. We love you the same as him.

MELANIE

If not more.

LINDSAY

So why don't you hold on to that and give it to us at the party?

[MELANIE hands the gift back to JUSTIN]

[Cut to bar. BRIAN is eyeing a man. He starts to get up to hit on him, but the man is taken by someone else. BRIAN sits back down dejectedly. Camera cuts to two GUYS]

GUY #1

Heh, would you look at that?

GuY #2

My god, I never thought I'd live to see the day - Brian Kinney rejected.

GUY #1

His stock has plummeted.

GUY #2

The NASDAQ of fags.

GUY #1

I'm telling you, you've gotta be so careful what you put it into these days.

[GUY #1 and GUY #2 high-five and walk away. Camera pans left to show TED and EMMETT]

TED

Did you hear what they were saying?

EMMETT

Mean, vicious c**ts! Self-loathing stereotypes.

TED

Funny, I thought they sounded a lot like us.

EMMETT

We're allowed to talk that way. We're his friends.

TED

What do you say we go over and let him insult us for a little while?

EMMETT

Good idea. It might make him feel better.

[They start to walk over, but DEBBIE and VIC stop them]

DEBBIE

I thought you two would be home staining the sheets!

TED [Still turned the other way]

Why, it must be...Debbie! [He turns around] And Vic.

VIC

The new twosome in town. I think it's great. And don't let anyone tell you the odds are stacked against you.

TED

What odds?

DEBBIE

Christ sake, you're not going to bring up Carlos, are you? You'll scare the f*cking sh*t out of them!

VIC

I wasn't planning to.

EMMETT

Who, um, who's Carlos?

VIC

Forget it. My sister's got a big mouth.

TED

Never noticed.

DEBBIE

He and Vic were best friends. Like you two, I mean, for years. They were inseparable. Then, one day Carlos says to Vic, 'I'm in love with somebody.' Vic says, 'Who?' Carlos says, 'You.' Tried to warn them not to mess with a good thing but they went ahead with it anyway. And three months later Carlos vanishes without a trace. And this one's around the bend.

VIC

You're leaving out a few details.

DEBBIE

The point is...

VIC

The point is it has nothing to do with them. Have a nice night, guys.

DEBBIE

Have a nice night, boys. [Kisses her hand and touches their faces]

[TED and EMMETT look vaguely confused]

[Cut to MICHAEL'S bedroom. BEN and MICHAEL are putting BEN'S clothing into the closet.

MICHAEL

I never realized you had so many clothes.

BEN

Well I never realized your closet was so small.

MICHAEL

Well, how are we supposed to cram it all in?

BEN

You know, we never had problems before.

[BEN grabs MICHAEL and they start kissing, tumbling onto the bed. They start taking off their clothes]

BRIAN [OS]

I leave the two of you alone for five minutes...

MICHAEL

Christ, Brian! How'd you get in here?

BRIAN [Holding up keys and says in funny accent]

My widdle key.

MICHAEL

That's for emergencies.

BRIAN

Exactly. If I don't find someone to go to Babylon with me, I'll die. [He collapses onto the bed]

MICHAEL [Walking BRIAN out of the bedroom]

What is the matter with you? Go on, get out. Ben's just moving in.

BRIAN

Suffering Sappho. You too.

MICHAEL

Look, I'll call you later.

BEN [Appearing in the doorway]

Michael.

[BEN beckons MICHAEL over and they go into the bedroom]

BEN

Why don't you go with him?

MICHAEL

Now?

BEN

Look at him. [Camera shows BRIAN walking around aimlessly. Cut back to BEN and MICHAEL] Poor guy needs a friend. I would too, if I ever lost you.

MICHAEL

Well, what about us? This is your first night here.

BEN

And there will be others. I live here now, remember? [They kiss]

[Cut to TED'S HOUSE. Camera pans over shelf with an array of dildos. TED tests one. A colored, spinning light brightens the room]

EMMETT [OS]

Can I come in now?

TED

Hold on!

[TED lays on the bed]

TED

Okay.

[EMMETT enters, wearing a bathrobe]

EMMETT

Jesus. It's like FAO Schwartz decided to open an adult toy store.

TED

Shut up and get in bed.

EMMETT

Close your eyes.

TED

What for?

EMMETT

I'm modest.

TED

Modest? I've seen you whack off on the website a hundred times.

EMMETT

Well, that was different. That was work. This is you and me. First time. I want it to be innocent. You know, filled with anticipation and discovery. Joy. Now go on.

[TED covers his face while EMMETT disrobes and climbs into bed]

EMMETT

Okay, you can open them.

TED [Turning to EMMETT]

Well. Here we are.

EMMETT

You'd think my heart was running in the Preakness!

TED

My hands are as cold as ice, feel!

[TED touches EMMETT. EMMETT screeches and TED jumps back]

TED

Sorry.

EMMETT

Sorry. We just need to calm down, take it easy. Go slow.

TED

And don't expect too much. So in case theres no, you know, fireworks or fanfare or the Pittsburgh Pops playing the 1812 Overture, we won't end up like Vic and carlos.

EMMETT

What do you suppose happened?

TED [Sighing and laughing half-heartedly]

It's best not to know. Might incapacitate us with self-doubt and fear.

[There is silence. TED and EMMETT both stare into space. Camera cuts to a wider angle of the two of them lying in bed]

EMMETT

Teddy?

TED

Yeah, Em?

EMMETT [Looking at TED]

You know I love you, right?

TED

You too. out of all the people in the world, there's no one I feel closer to than you.

EMMETT

So what if this doesn't work out? Can we still go back to being just friends?

[TED sighs. EMMETT gets out of the bed and puts his robe back on. TED shuts the spinning colored lamp off. The scene cuts to INT. BABYLON, music blasting. sh*ts of crowd, pans to BRIAN and MICHAEL dancing]

MICHAEL

Brian. Brian! Brian! I gotta go. Ben's waiting.

BRIAN

I'm sure the professor's all tucked in and in Dream Land now. [Pause, they dance. BRIAN holds something up] Vitamins?

MICHAEL

No thanks.

[BRIAN snorts it]

BRIAN

It's just like old times, isn't it?

MICHAEL

Yeah, you get loaded and I get to take you home.

BRIAN

I mean, just you and me.

[MICHAEL snorts the dr*gs]

BRIAN

Come on!

[BRIAN drags MICHAEL to a platform where they dance and kiss passionately]

MICHAEL [VO]

Whether it was the music or Brian's secret blend of eleven herbs and spices, or because it was, like he said, the way it used to be, everything seemed to vanish until it was just the two of us up there.

[The crowd in BABYLON disappears]

MICHAEL [VO]

Alone.

[Fade to MELANIE and LINDSAY'S house. It is during the party. A group of women are taking a picture]

WOMAN

Everbody, can you just gather in a group? That's it. Okay, now say, 'p*ssy!'

GROUP

p*ssy!

[sh*t of the party, pan to EMMETT and TED]

EMMETT

This nearly was ours.

TED [Eating cake]

Flourless anniversary cake.

EMMETT

Sandalwood candles. 'Happy eighth, love Joey and Robin.'

[TED gestures at the group, camera cuts to a group of women taking another picture and shouting 'p*ssy!']

TED

And our latest photo for our keepsake album showing us a little bit older than the year before.

EMMETT

And the year before that.

TED

Lying to each other.

EMMETT [Mockingly]

You look great!

TED [Mockingly]

No, you look --

EMMETT [Mockingly]

No, you look --

TED [Mockingly]

You --

[MELANIE and LINDSAY walk up to TED and EMMETT]

MELANIE

Hey!

LINDSAY

Hey lovebirds!

EMMETT

You look great!

[They all kiss each other]

TED

Happy anniversary.

EMMETT

Happy anniversary.

MELANIE

Next year, it'll be you two.

LINDSAY

Just like us!

[They giggle and start to walk away]

LINDSAY

Bye! See you later!

EMMETT

Have fun!

[TED and EMMETT are silent]

[Cut to a couple holding hands, pan to MICHAEL and BEN]

MICHAEL

Have you ever seen so many couples?

BEN

It's the new world order.

MICHAEL

What's good for the heteros is good for the h*m*!

BEN

You sound suspiciously like your dancing partner. What time did you get in last night?

MICHAEL

Not too late. You were already asleep.

BEN

Did you have fun?

MICHAEL

Same old, same old.

BEN

Same old hot music, same old half-naked men.

[Camera shows JUSTIN and ETHAN at the party. Cuts back to BEN and MICHAEL]

MICHAEL

What's he doing here?

DEBBIE [Coming up behind MICHAEL]

The girls invited him.

MICHAEL

Yeah, and he has the f*cking nerve to bring his new boyfriend.

[Camera shows MELANIE and LINDSAY introducing themselves to ETHAN]

[Cut to INT. WOODY'S. Two leather-clad men, NED and BART, are at the bar with BRIAN a little way from them]

BART

I say we go for the King Edward.

NED

I say the Queen Mary.

BRIAN

Why don't you each get a Prince Albert and be done with it?

NED

We're not discussing piercings.

BART

They're silver patterns. And he's being his usual god damn stubborn self.

NED

I'm stubborn? I'm stubborn. We finally decide on Blue Cornflower for plates. We registered and everything and then he changes his mind.

BART

I'm allowed to change my mind.

NED

well maybe I should change my mind about even having the ceremony.

BART

How dare you say that to me after being together for nine months!

BRIAN

Christ! Aren't there any good old-fashioned queers left?

[NED and BART look at BRIAN]

BRIAN

You know, not that I give a f*ck, but I know a couple of bulls that could advise you bears.

[Cut to EXT. MELANIE and LINDSAY'S party. MELANIE and LINDSAY are greeting various people. Cut to DEBBIE at the food service table, INT. MELANIE and LINDSAY'S HOUSE]

DEBBIE

There you go, honey. You want to take these outside for me? There are people waiting for it. Thank you.

[JUSTIN and ETHAN try to walk by unnoticed]

DEBBIE [to JUSTIN]

Hey. Hold it. Get your perky little butt back here. Since when do you walk by me and not say hello?

JUSTIN

Deb, please, this is hard enough.

DEBBIE

Yeah, well, it'd make it easier on yourself if you showed some manners. Who the f*ck's he?

JUSTIN

This is Ethan.

DEBBIE [Shaking ETHAN'S hand]

Your new boyfriend. I'm Debbie.

ETHAN

Hi.

DEBBIE

I've been keeping an eye on Sunshine ever since he left home.

ETHAN

Sunshine...

DEBBIE

You got a problem with that?

ETHAN

No. No problem.

DEBBIE [to JUSTIN]

Whatever my son said to you, he does not speak for me or anyone else. We all stil love you and you are still a member of this family. Do I make myself clear?

JUSTIN

Yes.

DEBBIE

I expect you back at the diner first thing tomorrow. Don't be late.

[JUSTIN and ETHAN start to walk away]

DEBBIE [to ETHAN]

As for you...

[JUSTIN and ETHAN stop walking and turn around]

DEBBIE

You're f*cking adorable is what you are.

[DEBBIE playfully smacks him on the cheek. ETHAN smiles]

WOMAN [OS, to DEBBIE]

Uh, excuse me? Excuse me? Um, could you pass...

DEBBIE

Oh, sorry.

[Cut to EXT. MELANIE and LINDSAY'S HOUSE. BRIAN is walking in, followed by NED and BART. MELANIE and LINDSAY turn around and see him]

MELANIE

What the hell are you doing here?

BRIAN

I believe I was invited.

LINDSAY

You said you weren't coming.

BRIAN

Uh, I wasn't. However, my two new best friends...

[BRIAN points to them, forgetting their names]

NED

Ned.

BART

Bart.

BRIAN

They can't make up their minds. Queen Mary or King Edward, and I thought maybe you could settle it for them. Gotta piss.

[BRIAN walks away, leaving MELANIE and LINDSAY with NED and BART. BRIAN walks upstairs in the house and into the bathroom, where JUSTIN is peeing]

JUSTIN [Turning around]

Christ, Brian.

BRIAN [Undoing his pants]

Watch where you're aiming.

JUSTIN

Can't you wait until I'm finished?

BRIAN [Joining JUSTIN at the toilet]

what's the big deal? I've seen it.

[JUSTIN finishes and zips up his pants]

BRIAN

Don't forget to wash your hands. [b*at. Then, somewhat sincerely] By the way, I hope you get what you want.

[JUSTIN stares at him from the door for a minute before exiting]

[Cut to MELANIE and LINDSAY outside with NED and BART]

MELANIE [Picking up a Kn*fe]

The King Edward is stunning.

LINDSAY

And the Queen Mary's a classic.

MELANIE

But we went with the Empress Alexandra.

LINDSAY

It's elegant enough for dinner...

MELANIE

But sturdy enough for every day.

LINDSAY

Yeah.

[MELANIE hands NED the Kn*fe while BART eats cake]

NED

That's lovely. Don't you think so, honey?

BART

Lovely. [To MELANIE and LINDSAY] So how long have you two been together?

MELANIE

Uh, eight years. And still counting.

LINDSAY

Kain ein horeh!*

MELANIE

Kain ein horeh!*

[Cut to TED and EMMETT, then to BRIAN, who is downing a drink. MICHAEL walks up to him]

MICHAEL

Would you believe the nerve of that little twat, showing up here with his new boyfriend? [Camera shows JUSTIN and ETHAN, then back to MICHAEL] I told him to stay the f*ck out of our lives!

BRIAN

Why'd you do that?

MICHAEL

After what he did?

BRIAN

He didn't do anything. We were never happily married, he was always free to go, so was I.

MICHAEL

You're just saying that. He's a selfish little sh*t.

BRIAN

Be quiet, Michael.

MICHAEL

He used you and he took from you and he never gave back a thing.

BRIAN [Getting angry]

I said be quiet!

MICHAEL

And this is the thank you get for saving his life! If you ask me, it wasn't worth it. You might as well have just left him lying there!

[BRIAN turns around and punches MICHAEL in the face. Boxing bell dings and the camera follows MICHAEL to the ground]

MICHAEL [VO, distorted]

And there you have it, folks! The instant recap leading to the surprise punch that landed Mighty Mike Novotny on his keister!

[Flash cut to MELANIE and LINDSAY]

LINDSAY

Michael!

[Camera shows general crowd of concerned faces]

DEBBIE [Kneeling next to MICHAEL]

sh*t! f*cking animal! Hitting my kid!

LINDSAY [OS]

Are you all right?

[Cut to BRIAN walking away, BEN grabs him, but BRIAN pulls back, his hand up in angry defense]

BEN

Son of a bitch!

MICHAEL

No, don't!

WOMAN amid general chatter

-- Men always do that...

MICHAEL

I'm all right.

DEBBIE [Cradling MICHAEL'S head]

Let me see, sweetheart.

LINDSAY

Brian, I think you'd better leave.

MELANIE [Angrily]

Now.

DEBBIE [OS]

assh*le.

[General angry chatter. BRIAN walks away, past a perplexed TED and EMMETT. Camera shows JUSTIN also looking confused]

[Cut to INT. TED'S HOUSE. TED is lying in bed]

EMMETT [OS]

No color wheel?

TED

No.

EMMETT [OS]

No...dildos?

TED

No. [TED looks over at EMMETT] No robe?

EMMETT

Just me, in the flesh. [EMMETT climbs into bed]

TED

You know, are we absolutely 100% positive we want to go through with this?

EMMETT

Absolutely 100%...no. But don't you think it's worth the risk?

TED

Guess we'll know in about ten minutes.

EMMETT

Ten minutes? Let's, uh, let's give it at least a half an hour.

TED [Laughing]

Right. Well, here it goes.

EMMETT [Stopping him]

Uh, wait. I just want to say, no matter what happens, I promise not to vanish without a trace.

TED

And I promise not to go around the bend. [He moves in to kiss EMMETT again]

EMMETT [Stopping him again]

Uh, wait. Good luck, Teddy.

TED

Break a leg, Em.

[They laugh, then kiss. It grows more passionate and the camera pans down, then cuts to MICHAEL at the COMIC BOOK STORE. He has a black eye. There is a knock at the door. It is BRIAN]

MICHAEL [Opening the door and walking away]

I'm working. What do you want?

BRIAN

To give you this.

[BRIAN holds out a white box]

MICHAEL

A make-up gift?

BRIAN [Handing him the box]

Go on, take it.

MICHAEL

Oh my god, it's dripping blood! What's in here?

BRIAN

It's your mother's heart. [MICHAEL looks at him blankly. BRIAN chuckles] It's a Kansas City steak. It's twenty-three dollars a pound. Stick it on your eye and then eat it.

MICHAEL

Thanks a f*cking lot.

BRIAN [Stroking MICHAEL'S face]

Did it hurt?

[BRIAN moves in to kiss MICHAEL, but MICHAEL pushes him away]

MICHAEL

Cut it out! [Pause, then softer] You never hit me before!

[There is silence. MICHAEL looks away]

MICHAEL

But I guess after what I said, I deserved it. [b*at] You must really love him.

BRIAN

I told him from day one, I don't believe in love, I believe in --

MICHAEL [Interrupting]

f*cking, yeah, I know.

BRIAN

Except for you, of course.

MICHAEL

I'm honored.

[BRIAN picks up Rage cardboard cut-out and holds it up, hugging it]

BRIAN

I want you to make up with him.

MICHAEL

No f*cking way!

BRIAN

You have work to do. Rage. Volume one, issue number two.

MICHAEL

Forget it!

BRIAN

What about Mikey's big dream?

MICHAEL

He'll just have to get himself a new one.

[BRIAN nods and puts down the cardboard cut-out. He begins to walk out the door, but MICHAEL stops him]

MICHAEL

Hey, you want to um, want to go to the diner, get something to eat?

BRIAN

I got plans. [He leaves]

[Cut to INT. BRIAN'S LOFT. BRIAN is lying on the bed, smoking. Camera cuts to outside his door, following what looks like Justin walking up the stairs. JUSTIN LOOK-A-LIKE knocks on the door three times before BRIAN answers it. It is not Justin]

JUSTIN-LOOK-ALIKE

Hi. My name's Blake--

BRIAN [Interrupting]

It doesn't matter.

JUSTIN-LOOK-ALIKE

So, am I what you're looking for?

BRIAN

Close enough.

[BRIAN lets JUSTIN-LOOK-ALIKE inside]

JUSTIN-LOOK-ALIKE

That'll be three hundred, then. Up front.

[BRIAN hands him the money]

BRIAN [Pointing]

Bedroom's that way.

[BRIAN puts out his cigarette and the camera pans to JUSTIN-LOOK-ALIKE undressing on BRIAN'S bed. BRIAN watches him. BRIAN undresses and joins him on the bed. JUSTIN-LOOK-ALIKE goes in to kiss BRIAN, but BRIAN stops him]

BRIAN

Roll over.

[BRIAN looks at JUSTIN-LOOK-ALIKE'S hair and touches it gently, then caresses his back. He grabs a condom and opens it, then puts it on and climbs on top of JUSTIN-LOOK-ALIKE and proceeds to have sex with him]

[Camera pulls back and then fades out]