03x13 - Tweaked-Out, Fucked-Out Crystal Queen

[bunniefuu]

The fucker didn't show up.

I know.

We can go back again tomorrow night.

I'll dress up like a hustler, we can try again.

You looked hot.

This is going to cost you $ .

We were just pretending, remember?

Maybe you were.

What do you want?

Besides that.

I brought you this.

It's very thoughtful of you. Did you make it yourself?

It's the cop's.

You f*cked the cop?

You said you needed dna.

A cigarette butt would have sufficed.

He doesn't smoke.

I told you i'd do anything.

I got to hand it to you, kid.

You got a lot of... spunk.

Holy sh*t.

It's like the movies.

I don't recall a scene like this In any film nominated for best picture.

I also found out his name.

Kenneth rikert.

I lifted it from the garbage when he wasn't looking.

What do you know, they cancelled "gay as blazes".

So how about expressing your appreciation?

Ooh, he already has... three times with me.

What do you bother with that for?

How much is he charging you?

? Hmm.

He refuses to pay though.

I don't blame him.

I wouldn't give you bucks.

Okay, i think it's time someone was tucked in bed.

Mm-Hmm. And not mine.

You f*cked a m*rder*r?

What's the big deal? I used a condom.

Well, your safe-Sex lecture paid off.

Shut the f*ck up!

Let's try to stay calm.

Yeah, the professor's right.

What do you know about it?

You're the one who put him up to this.

He didn't put me up to sh*t. I was trying to help.

You were trying to impress brian.

Yeah, well he wouldn't be the first one.

Well, he already has a boyfriend.

You do?

In a non-Defined, non-Conventional way, yeah.

Let's not lose focus here.

You need to understand that what you did Was extremely dangerous.

This guy could've k*lled you.

They all could. Well, if you know that Then why do you do it?

I have low self-Esteem.

I was sexualized at too early an age.

It's exciting, fun and a great way to make non-Reportable income.

I would like an honest answer, smart-Ass.

He just gave you one. Well, we're not going to let you Throw your life away. You're going to stop hustling, You're going to take care of yourself...

respect the curfew, not sleep till noon.

Go back to school... think about your future.

Christ!

I'd rather get k*lled and tossed in a dumpster Than listen to the two of you.

f*ck.

Nice going, ma and pa.

Ted?

Teddy.

Teddy, teddy, teddy.

I'm not done yet.

I know, i know, but we... we've been going at it for hours, Baby, and i, uh... i never thought i'd hear myself say this,

But i think i need a rest.

Well, here.

Take some more.

No, i-I don't, uh, i don't want any more, And i-I don't think you should either.

Come on, em.

No, i-I said i don't want to.

But wasn't it amazing?

It was amazing, all right. Mmm, Like someone turned on the power

And it went surging through every...

mmm, what?

Every nerve? Every muscle?

Oh, yeah.

You see how lucid you are?

That's the beauty of crystal.

It makes everything... ah, crystal clear.

Oh god. Oh, feel my d*ck.

My d*ck is so hard.

Let's f*ck.

Please, teddy. I just told you, i... you know, being able to share this with you Means everything to me.

It's all i wanted, For us to do this, together.

I'm going to go take a shower, Brush my teeth, Get this awful taste out of my mouth.

Well, what the f*ck am i supposed to do?

I want to come.

Well, jerk me off at least. You think you can handle that?

Maybe later. Not later, now.

L-Later. Oh, god.

Mmm.

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

That's it. Mm-Hmm. Mmm.

I told you already, there were three of us here.

Where's the g*dd*mn ballistics report?

Well, somebody'd better do some detective work and find it.

I haven't got all... day.

Your eyes are tired.

You're getting sleepy.

What the hell is that?

Uh, this newfangled contraption's called a "condom".

You wanted hard evidence.

It doesn't get much harder.

Christ, don't tell me you actually... no, Not me, officer krupke.

That kid.

The one whose word you wouldn't take.

Well, maybe you'll take it now.

What the hell do you expect me to do with this?

Uh, test it... and see if it matches the load That you siphoned out of dumpster boy's ass.

This so-Called cop, has he got a name?

Kenneth rikert.

Ring a bell?

Hello?

He was an officer.

He was?

He retired about a year ago, Said he was under a lot of pressure.

Yeah, well, i'm sure that murdering someone Can be very stressful.

You don't know that.

Did he know stockwell?

You could say so.

They were partners... for years.

Having sexual relations with a partner in the firm, Using agency resources to produce subversive materials In order to undermine a valued client.

Mr. Vance was livid.

Livid, and if this is true... i don't blame him.

Well?

Is it?

I suppose it depends on how one perceives the situation.

And, uh, how do you perceive it?

Mr. Kinney and i had personal relations Prior to my internship at vanguard, So it's not as if i was f*cking the boss.

As for producing subversive materials, i made some posters Based on my political beliefs.

I'm not interested in your political beliefs Or your sexual relations.

I'm interested in the reputation of the school.

Your behaviour has jeopardized the entire internship program.

If it's any consolation, i was doing a kick-Ass job.

You will therefore appear before the disciplinary committee To apologize for your actions.

You want me to apologize?

If you care to remain a student at this institute.

Yeah, there. Yeah.

Oh.

Hello in there. It's me, michael... but you can call me "dad".

You think this thing really works?

Well, the article said that prenatal learning is possible.

Um, voice recognition, names... Linz, say something. Yeah.

Oh... oh, i don't know what to say. Ah... you don't have to recite the gettysburg address, Just say "hi".

Hi.

This is your other mom.

Oh, um... and this is your concierge.

I hope you're enjoying your stay.

If you need anything, just holler.

I'll come back later. Wait, em.

You want to say something to the baby?

I'm don't think his or her parents Would like him or her to hear what i have to say.

Let's go.

Bye, michael. Bye.

See you later.

Bye.

How long is this going to go on for?

Until they apologize to teddy For not accepting his apology.

Well, what about your apology for calling melanie a c**t?

I'll apologize for calling her a c**t When she apologizes for calling me a silly f*gg*t.

They are your friends and you know how much they love you and ted.

Then they could've shown some understanding.

So he used crystal.

Okay? I mean, he's hardly the only one.

I'm sure half the people in this community have tried it.

I haven't. Well, if you had, Maybe you'd realize it's not such a big deal.

What, are you saying... don't tell me.

You didn't.

It just happened.

Taking crystal does not just happen.

I thought that if i did it with him, He would know that i'm not being judgemental Or... or... or disapproving, like everyone else.

Okay? That... that... that he would trust me And know that i love him, So that when i asked him to stop... he would.

And did he say he would stop?

He said that... he never felt so close to anyone in his life... and that he can't wait for us to do it again.

They want me to appear In front of the disciplinary committee and apologize, Like i did something wrong.

Well, didn't you?

Are you saying you agree with them?

If someone had told me what you were up to, I would have fired your ass... if i didn't have my d*ck inside it.

But i'm not sorry for anything.

I'm not saying you should be sorry.

I'm just saying you should apologize.

Just give in to them? Roll over?

Well, do you want to finish your education and get a degree?

Get a good job and be rich?

I don't care about money. Okay, Do you want to have the freedom to create whatever you want Without having to answer to anyone? Who doesn't?

Well, then you care about the money So you should go apologize.

Not for them. For you.

Well, detective horvath.

Out of all the places in greater pittsburgh, What brings you to our humble little establishment?

I have a date.

Oh. And here he is.

What, did you convert him?

Coffee, deb, please.

You were right.

Those are my three favourite words After "nine inches cut".

About what?

Um, the cream.

What, did it turn?

It matches that found in jason kemp's rectum.

For your information, i just poured it.

I'm referring to a sperm sample from an officer This kid hunter said he saw with the victim.

Holy sh*t.

Does that mean he's the k*ller?

It means he had a**l intercourse with him On the night he was m*rder*d.

Is it enough to make him a suspect?

Not necessarily. We had a deal.

You said if i brought you hard evidence, You'd re-Open the case.

I know what i said.

Well, i upheld my end and so did hunter, Now it's your turn.

Sorry, kinney.

It's still not enough.

Uh... still searching for that exquisite turn of phrase That in five words or less expresses the essence Of what your character's feeling?

I'm frustrated as sh*t.

Only four, congratulations.

Now come to bed.

It must be hard to concentrate on your writing Or anything else for that matter When your mind is on other things.

Hmm?

Case in point.

Sorry, michael, it's just that after what he did, It's obvious we're not getting through to him.

He's still hustling, he's still coming home whenever he pleases, He won't even discuss the possibility Of going back to school. Well, aren't you the one

Who said these things take time?

It can't go on like this indefinitely.

Well, we're doing the best we can.

Well, maybe our best isn't good enough.

Maybe he'd be better off with someone else.

There isn't anyone else. It's just us.

And we're in over our heads, thanks to me Because i had to save the world.

Not the world, just one kid.

Michael, we're not helping him.

And what's more, he doesn't want our help.

So i think we should just admit our failure... and let him go.

That's a bit steep.

Come on.

It's only bucks.

You'll have a good time.

Your very best scotch, in a clean glass.

Well, think about it.

Another one of those?

I don't accept drinks from strangers.

Huh. That must be the first time those words Have been spoken in here.

You're the assh*le from the other night.

You have a good memory. I'm impressed.

Say, while you're at it... you remember him?

Can't say i do.

He used to come here.

He had a really hot ass.

Wouldn't know.

That's strange 'cause cops found your load up it.

Hey, where're you going?

Your drink just got here.

I don't know who the hell you are, Or what the f*ck you're up to... yeah, how rude of me not to introduce myself.

Brian kinney, concerned citizen.

You've got the wrong guy.

Forgive me. I thought that you were kenneth rikert, vista court lane.

That kid you picked up out front The other night?

What a rascal.

He also snatched the condom you used... and guess what?

Police did a little science project And, uh, your little swimmers, And the ones they found in dumpster boy's ass Are members of the same team.

Bottoms up.

So just out of curiosity... why'd you k*ll him?

What? An accident?

Things get a little out of hand?

Did he figure out you're a cop, And try and blackmail you?

I mean, that must be why you resigned.

Was that your idea... or stockwell's?

Shut up.

Did you go to him and confess the whole thing?

He promised to protect you if you quit the force?

That's real loyalty.

On the other hand, maybe he figured If it came out that his friend and partner Is a m*rder*r and a f*g, It might k*ll, so to speak...

his chance to be mayor.

I said shut up.

I'm sure if you were to confess, Everyone would be more than sympathetic.

After all, you wanted to do the right thing, right?

We'll wish him luck and say we think This is the best thing for all of us.

I guess.

Hey.

Did you want some breakfast?

I already ate.

I didn't see any dirty dishes in the sink.

That's because i washed them.

You also washed your hair.

Yeah.

What's the occasion? Got a date... with a high school principal.

I'm sure the kids' parents would love to hear that.

I'm thinking about going back to school.

Really?

That is, uh, you're not... you're not just saying that?

There's no harm checking it out.

Right.

There you are.

Whoo-Hoo, would you look at this place.

Didn't realize it was going to be so fancyschmancy.

Yeah, i brought a client here and just fell in love with the place.

They make a fennel phyllo pie That is to die for.

Mmm.

So, um, what do you want for lunch?

Mmm, nothing for me.

You have to eat. No, I'll just watch your fennel phyllo feed fest.

So, uh, where you been? Hmm.

Visiting a friend. Hmm.

Michael? Brian?

No, mark.

Young doctor crystal.

So we do a little tina.

Since when are we on a firstname basis with illegal substances?

You loved it too.

You know, what? I... i didn't love it.

I only did it to make you happy And i'm never doing it again.

Where the hell's that g*dd*mn waiter?

You know, it wasn't so long ago you were a g*dd*mn waiter... and a maid... and a p*rn star... but now, of course,

Planning parties for everyone in town.

Hey, how about you throw a party for me?

Huh? Uh, unless, of course, i'm not good enough.

Who said anything about not good enough... if you love me, then you'll throw me a party.

Fine. You want a party, I'll give you a party.

I'm honoured.

So, uh, what... what kind do you want?

Oh, i don't know.

Small, intimate affair, Tomorrow night.

For say, six of my closest friends So everything must, Must, must, be perfect.

Am i making myself clear?

Crystal clear.

Excellent... then i'll leave it in your capable hands.

Oh, at last, the g*dd*mn waiter.

Who you got a date with this time? Vic?

I was hoping you.

Not interested.

Will you listen?

Talk fast. I got ice cream melting.

Since when is ice cream on your diet?

Since when is what i eat any of your business?

Look, i just want to explain... yeah, well, save your breath... and your explanations.

Debbie, honey, please... don't you call me honey.

Look, i'm sorry, But you've got to understand... yeah, that with all the f*cking evidence in the world

Staring you right in the face, You still refuse to open the case.

Look, if i proceed with this investigation, And it turns out that stockwell Is only trying to protect his former partner,

Not to mention himself... you'd be a hero.

I'd be a dead man.

At least as far as my future with the pittsburgh p.D. Is concerned.

I've been with the force for years.

I can retire soon.

I just want to collect my pension... and go home.

Then by all means, carl, that's what you should do.

Go plant tomatoes in your garden And watch the game from your barcalounger.

Now, if you'll excuse me, i do have a date With a pint of chocolate... chocolate chip.

I gotta run, guys, i'm gonna be late.

Can you believe all these forms?

You'd think we were applying for a bank loan.

Or citizenship.

Hey, watch where you're going... assh*le! Making friends already?

At least now we finally get to know all about you.

Name? Hunter.

Hunter what? Just hunter.

You think you're an aging rock diva?

Last names tend to get in the way of my work.

From now on, the only work you're doing is homework.

Out with it.

James hunter montgomery.

Nice to meet you, jimmy.

Shut up.

When were you born?

I wasn't born.

My mother was too drunk to give birth, So i was delivered.

glorious years ago last tuesday.

Last tuesday?

You had a birthday last week and you didn't tell us?

We could've done something to celebrate.

Like blow out a candle?

I blew three tricks that day.

Made bucks.

That's what i call celebrating.

The press has endorsed your candidacy.

And the polls all favour you to win.

It's practically a shoo-In.

We all know the last week of a campaign, Anything can happen.

Let's not count our votes until they're counted.

Send him in.

Would you excuse me?

Sure. Sure.

Thanks for stopping by.

Any time, jim.

So what can i do for you?

I was thinking more of what i could do for you.

Even better.

I'm sure you've been following the campaign.

No, actually, i've been so busy shopping and... blow-Drying my hair.

They're predicting this time next week, I'll be the new mayor of pittsburgh.

Well, what do you know?

You did it.

Thanks, in no small part, to you.

Have a seat.

I'll stand.

I asked to see you because... i wanted to say how much i regret what happened.

That's very classy of you.

And that perhaps i acted in haste, Misjudged the situation.

No apologies.

No regrets.

We made a great team.

You did me a great service.

Are you offering me my job back?

I'm offering you a future.

There's a lot i can do. Even more than before.

How's that?

You always wanted my backers for your client list.

I can still deliver them... and now you can keep them all to yourself.

Well, would you look at this.

Some enchanted evening.

Glad it meets with your approval.

Must be costing me a pretty penny, But since i don't have a penny, pretty or otherwise... cost is no object.

Why, it must be our guests.

Hey-Hey-Hey.

Guys, come on in. Come in, come in.

Emmett, you know doctor mark.

Come on in, guys.

It looks like elton john's oscar bash.

Thanks to none other than pittsburgh's pre-Eminent party planner

And our hostess for the evening, Emmett honeycutt.

Well, if we're going to party, We might as well make ourselves comfortable.

Hey, that's a great idea.

And if you're observant, You might be able to discern tonight's theme.

See, all of em's divine creations have little themes to them.

Hmm, i'll give you a hint... crystal goblets, crystal plates,

Crystal nut dishes, Crystal candlesticks.

Then it's a good thing i brought this.

Oh-H-H.

Oh, he's so much more thoughtful than flowers or wine, Wouldn't you agree, em?

There we go.

Where'd you get that?

Doctor mark gave it to me.

I make them myself from my medical supplies.

How nice to know our insurance dollars aren't going to waste.

I hope, uh, everyone Will try the asparagus and goat cheese souffles?

They're a specialty.

I think that pipe looks a little empty.

Uh, there's also, um, popcorn shrimp, And, uh, seared ahi, uh, tuna... and no sooner do i talk to rikert, Then who should call me but stockwell,

Wanting to kiss and make up.

What do you make of that?

He had a change of heart?

Or maybe that after our little visit, Rikert called his old pal, and now he's scared shitless.

Rikert's dead.

I went to bring him in for questioning.

I found him in the garage.

He washed his car and sh*t himself in the head.

Oh, what a shame.

Looks like rain.

Well, if it isn't little mary sunshine.

Little mary sunshine d*ed.

I'm a little marygo-f*ck-Yourself.

How was the sofa?

Where's a good chiropractor when you need one?

Sorry.

What's that supposed to be?

It's supposed to be a cake.

Why didn't you have vic make you one of his?

Because i wanted an old-Fashioned betty crocker triple-Layer, Like my mom used to make.

Too bad it didn't turn out like hers.

It turned out exactly like hers.

Hmm.

Well, let's... see if we can even it out.

Hmm, it's just like old times, huh?

You and me. Roomies.

Hmm. What's the occasion?

It's hunter's birthday. We're... we're giving him a party.

Do you want to come?

Mmm, i wouldn't be much fun.

You know you can stay here as long as you want.

Thanks, sweetie... but you have a full house, And i have to face ted.

I spent the entire night on that lumpy sofa Preparing what to say.

Think he'll listen?

I don't know... but he'll damn well hear me.

There.

Now all we have to do is frost it, And hunter'll have a birthday cake That would make betty and your mamma proud.

I would like to apologize to the disciplinary board, To the faculty and students Of pittsburgh institute of fine arts

For any embarrassment i may have caused them.

Also, if, by my behaviour, I have in any way... damaged the internship programme I am truly sorry.

The board accepts your apology, mr. Taylor.

You've obviously taken time to consider your behaviour Which, regrettably, you did not do Before you acted so hastily

And inappropriately.

However, given the gravity of the situation, We feel some sort of disciplinary action is required.

We therefore expect you to write a letter Of, um, apology to mr. Gardner vance, Expressing your... regret for any embarrassment

You may have caused him Or his firm.

Furthermore, you will apologize to police chief stockwell.

No.

Did you say something?

Yeah, i won't do it.

I will not apologize to stockwell.

I'm afraid, mr. Taylor...

you have no choice.

No choice?

Yeah, that's exactly what he'd like me to have.

He's already taken away my right to assemble, My... my right to f*ck... my... this is not about you being gay.

You're right.

It's not.

It's about freedom of expression As a person and an artist, Without fear of censure or reprisal.

That's why i will not apologize to him, Here or under any other circumstance.

What, you're leaving already?

I got a tonsillectomy in an hour.

How do you do it?

As with everything, the secret is moderation.

Oh, look who it is.

The party's over.

The party's never over, And some friends are stopping by this evening.

I'll be there.

I'd ask you to cater it but... watching our weight.

Nobody touched a thing.

It was too beautiful to eat.

More like too tweaked to eat.

Uh, this place reeks.

So where'd you go?

Does it matter?

Of course it matters. You embarrassed me.

I embarrassed you?

It was extremely rude for you to just take off.

My friends think you don't like them.

I don't.

And since when did you get so f*cking superior?

You think because you put a piece of cheese on a cr*cker And you pawn it off as chic that... somehow you're better than everyone?

Well, let me tell you something, No matter how many fancy parties you give, Or how much money they give you to give them,

You'll always be a piece of trash From hazelhurst, mississippi.

I don't need you to tell me that, Because i tell myself that every day, But at least i am not a tweaked-Out, f*cked-Out crystal queen!

Teddy... please.

Okay, it is not too late.

You can still be you again.

My sweet, uptight accountant who would freak out If someone put down a glass without a coaster.

I... i don't want to be me any more.

Okay? I hated that person.

For the first time in my life, i am relaxed, I am happy and i am having fun!

You call this fun?

This is pathetic.

Pathetic?

Yeah.

That's what you think i am?

You know what?

I don't need you criticizing me, And making me feel like sh*t.

Okay?

I am beautiful.

Everything is beautiful, And if you don't see it that way, You can just get the f*ck out.

This is cool sh*t, dude, But i could've saved you some bucks.

Yeah, running for the door while you distract the salesperson Is not exactly my style.

Surprise!

Well, aren't you going to say something?

What the f*ck's going on?

Sweet kid, isn't he?

It's a... it's a surprise party.

For who?

For you. It's your birthday.

Now, come say hello.

This is melanie and lindsay.

And gus.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday.

And this is uncle vic.

Aw-W.

I hope you like chocolate.

I made it myself.

It's a betty crocker golden fudge, The same kind i used to make for you, honey.

Aw. Okay. All right.

All right.

Ready to blow?

Bet you never heard that before.

Better hurry. The candles are melting.

One, two, three...

wait, wait, wait!

You have to make a wish.

For what?

Something you want.

More than anything.

Hmm.

All right!

Sorry i'm late for the surprise.

Ted kicked me out.

Oh, em. I'm sorry.

I tried, michael.

I swear i did. I know you did. I know.

There was nothing i could do.

Cheers.

Yeah, you too.

Come, come on, come on, join us.

The last thing you need at a festive occasion Is a guest on the verge of a nervous breakdown so... besides, i, uh,

Need to find a place to live.

You can stay with us.

That is, if you don't mind a rowdy twoyear old.

And a cranky pregnant lady.

After what i said to you?

No worse than what i called you.

You were right.

I am just a silly f*gg*t.

No.

You stood beside your partner, No matter what anyone said, And that makes you a very loyal, Very brave f*gg*t.

That was one hell of a surprise party.

Thanks, deb.

Yeah, mom.

Wouldn't you say so, hunter?

It was one hell of a surprise.

Huh?

Right on.

And your cake was superb.

Thanks.

You're a good man, michael.

I am?

I wouldn't say so if it wasn't true.

Vic, for christ's sakes, what's taking you so long?

I'm waiting for you.

Oh.

Okay.

Bye, honey. Bye-Bye.

Thank you. Mmm.

Thanks, baby. Bye.

See ya. I love you.

I love you.

Ah. Did you hear what my mom said?

That you're a good man?

I could've told you that.

Hmm.

You got some pretty neat stuff.

Are you going out?

Maybe later.

So the guy's dead.

That only proves that he did it, And that's why he k*lled himself.

To avoid disgrace And to protect stockwell, Who i suspect he secretly loved.

Leave it to a queen to turn anything into a drama.

What else could it be?

We'll never know. He'll never tell.

So it's over?

Yeah. It's over. No, it's...

Nah. It can't be over.

This time, next week, Stockwell will be mayor... and i'll be collecting unemployment.

Well, i will be on the street... peddling my ass or my art, Whichever makes more money.

Yeah, well, don't spend too much on framing.

They suspended me.

Oh, don't look so disappointed.

You don't have to pay for my education any more.

I thought you were going to apologize.

I did apologize, But then they wanted me to apologize to him, And i couldn't.

I couldn't say "i'm sorry"

To someone who'd rather see me dead... all of us dead

Than be part of his "family friendly" world.

So you sacrificed everything.

Sometimes you have to for what you believe in.

The End