1x07 - Michelle

[bunniefuu]

Yes, Cocker, that's mine. My turn.

Chelle, hi. You OK?

You dirty fucker! I never want to see your tiny, twatty cock ever again.

What's up, Nips?

Hey, hey, come on, Chelle.

I was waiting for you tell me. Time's up, you w*nk*r!

Jesus, what have you done this time?

Sid?

I dunno.

Oh, Christ's sake!

I must say, she is a fiery one.

Tone, shouldn't you, you know, go after her?

She'll come back.

(Jal) Michelle! Chelle, what happened?

Never mind!

"Never mind"?

Did he screw someone again?

Again?

I tried to tell you, Chelle.

About who?

But you never wanna hear it.

About who, for Christ's sakes?!

Jenny, Maggs, Kelly, White Justine, Black Justine, buck teeth from the geography trip, posh kid from the choir...

Abigail?

Abigail Stock?

He promised he hadn't. Why didn't you tell me?

You're supposed to be my friend.

Chelle, I tried. I didn't wanna...

It's just Tony, right?

Did you do him?

What? Don't be so stupid, Michelle.

I bet you wanted to f*ck him.

Cheers, Jal. That's what friends are for, yeah(?)

Whatever, Chelle.

Chelle?

Go away.

Please don't tell anyone. Everyone will think...

Think what, Max?

That you're a dirty little slut who fucks around with other people's boyfriends?

I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. He just... It was nothing.

Can't we just pretend it didn't happen? Yeah?

Go away.

MOBILE RINGS Yes, that was lovely, but we just can't.

You want to what?

Oh...

Oh, God.

You're not even going to see that again, never mind lick it!

Now listen to me, OK? It's over.

Over and...

Oh, Christ!

Drink?

No! God, Michelle.

Who were you talking to?

Nobody.

MOBILE RINGS I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, um...

I feel better.

Good.

MOBILE RINGS MOBILE RINGS You going to tell me what's happened?

Possibly Tony?

SHE SOBS Listen, I'm sure you can work it out.

Oh, God, I love him so much!

And I made him go away.

MOBILE RINGS Look... He's so lovely.

Speak to him. Always best to talk.

Yeah?

Yeah. Communication, that's the key.

OTHER MOBILE RINGS f*ck off, you w*nk*r!

No, you listen to me, tosser!

Leave me alone. Leave me alone!

For the last time, f*cking leave me alone!

Shall I, er... drive you home?

Thanks.

(BIoody hell!)

I know who that was.

Who?

On the phone.

It was Chris, wasn't it?

Of course not.

Why on Earth would Chris ring me?

(Chris) Angie. Angie!

Look, I know you're here. Your car's in the car park.

You want me, Angie!

Oh, f*ck!

I don't see why you couldn't catch the bus home.

Cash outage. It's not my fault the student residences are five miles away.

Anyway, I wanted to see you and...

Shut up, Chris, OK?!

Michelle doesn't mind. She's got her own problems, ain't you, Chelle?

Shut up, Chris. OK?

OK.

Cheers, Angie. I'm really grateful... for the hockey kit and everything.

So am I.

(Both) Shut it!

Yours?

It's all right, you know.

It's not all right.

I know you want me.

I don't want you.

It makes perfect sense.

None of this makes sense. I'm your f*cking psychology teacher, OK?

It was a mistake and I'm not doing it again!

TRAIN HOOTER BLARES SPRINGS CREAK Chelle. Chelle!

Hey, Nips!

It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!

Arise, fair sun, and k*ll the envious moon, Who is already sick and pale with grief.

Why don't you just leave her alone for a bit?

Sidney?

She thinks you're a tit.

She doesn't think I'm a tit.

Why do you pull all this sh*t, Tone?

Look around, Sidney.

f*ck all ever happens in this shitty little town. You gotta improvise.

No matter who you hurt?

So I messed around with Maxxie a bit.

So what? He was bored, I was bored, Michelle was bored, and now we're not.

And she's gonna feel so good when she gets me back.

You sure?

Don't be such a dildo, Sid.

Course she will.

It is my lady! O, it is my love!

O, that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing.

What of that? Her eye discourses, I will answer it.

Sid?

You see, Sidney? Now you're getting it!

Now you're getting it!

SLURPS What?

Babe, she's doing it again.

Michelle, don't look at Malcolm in a funny way when he's eating.

Does he have to make that noise?

I'm only eating, for Christ's sakes!

He's only eating. HE SLURPS Babe, I got that delivery coming today. You said you'd lend me the dosh.

Oh, yeah.

Er, why are you giving him money?

Sweetheart, we're married.

We all want Malcolm's new venture to be a success, don't we?

Cheers, babe.

Why are you being so horrible?

Why do you care?

I do care, but in an "I'm already late for work" kind of way. So come on, make it snappy.

I dumped Tony.

Oh, right. What for?

He went down on a boy in my history class while I was watching.

Right. Well, you know, say you're sorry or something. I don't know.

And try and be nice to Malcolm. Anyway, what are you doing today?

I thought I'd lounge around the house in my underwear.

Great, OK.

Look, please be nice to Malcolm.

I love him. He's my husband.

Try and be happy for me.

Jesus!

A psychology teacher can do that?

Yes, she can. But look, we gotta keep it under wraps, yeah?

Hmm. Yeah.

She got you good, Tone.

That wasn't Michelle. This was.

Hey, Nips.

People have got issues.

If anyone else wants to take a pop, then, please, go for it now.

Better out than in.

Sidney, are you gonna tell me what's going on?

It's like a f*cking episode of The OC.

Nothing. Just leave it, OK?

Right, everyone. Um...

(Jal) You OK, Angie?

Yeah.

Um...

(Anwar) Why are you wearing that scarf thing?

It's a bit draughty today.

(Maxxie) It doesn't suit you, Ange.

Anyway, who's presenting?

It's me.

OK, well, get on with it.

"The role of sex in power relationships."

I asked you to write that?

Yeah.

"Power is the single most important force in the universe.

"Money and looks mean nothing except for the power they give us.

"The second most important is sex. So sex plus power equals fun."

Whatever you did that Michelle's too upset to talk about, I hope you're ashamed of yourself.

It was all my fault.

I got off with Tony on the Russia trip.

ALL GASP I only did it because I fell out with Anwar when he said he hated gays, so I got upset, and Tony said he'd give me head, to cheer me up, you know, and I didn't mean anything, but I lost my head and then he gave me head, and then we got deported from Russia.

And I'm really, really sorry for being a slut, OK?

Right, well...

Anyone else wanna get something off their chest?

I'm in love with...

Sit down!

Hi, Abi.

Michelle. How, uh, safe to see you.

Isn't it?

Can I ask you something?

Yah?

OK. I was just wondering how many times you f*cked my boyfriend.

Oh, Abi, you didn't!

Very, very rude of you, yah? It's just horrid!

Don't worry, he fucks everyone... including boys, so you've got that in common.

Oh, you absolute bitch!

Hey, hey, hey! Easy, Abi, easy.

God, I didn't! I mean, I just wouldn't.

That's terrible.

I wouldn't go there, mate. Don't know what she's picked up.

Know what I mean?

It's the absolute limit!

Let go of me! I want to sh*t her, the f*cking bitch-cow-whore!

Perhaps you should go. I'm Josh, by the way, Abigail's brother.

Sweet.

OK, well, bye, girls.

Bye, Abi. Three little maids from school are we...

Let me go! I want to tear her tits off!

Let go of me!

Wow!

Come here, you curly-haired tart!

I'm gonna f*ck you up!

Come back! Come back!

So say good night To the fallen truth Say good night to the anger that swells inside you Say good night to the stars That are following you And say good night to the moon.

How long are you gonna keep this up for?

You know what? I never realised how f*cking knackering it is to know you, Tone.

It's fun, though.

You think?

Anyway, what do you want?

You know what? Tell me you love me.

You know I love you, Nips.

No! Tell me like you'd die for me, like nothing else matters, like your world stops turning because of me.

Like you mean it, you little sh*t. Go on.

I mean, come on.

Wrong answer, Tony.

f*ck off. I'm busy.

In my head it was cloudy all over In my eye I could picture this guy With a tear tattoo under one eye...

'Hi, this is Cass. Don't bother leaving a message because I'm not listening.'

BEEP

...With a bag that I'm sure that he never put down He would sit...

DOORBELL RINGS DOORBELL AGAIN Hi.

Hi.

You love me, right?

You really love me.

Yeah...

How much?

A lot.

That'll do.

Wait. What are we?

It's now, Sid.

It's now, OK?

You go.

No, you.

You.

Why not you?

Michelle...

Michelle... My glasses.

Um... are we gonna practise safe sex?

All in good time.

Stand by for lift- off.

ZIP SLIDES Sid?

I think I can honestly say that that has never happened before.

Bugger.

Come on, grab my tits.

Grab them!

Yeah?

I dunno, Chelle.

I'll take it off.

Michelle...

It's got a funny clip.

Chelle!

I've dreamt of this twice a night for the past eight years, to be exact...

...and three times on birthdays.

Wow!

Was I good?

Oh, yeah, yeah. But this feels funny, you know?

My tits feel funny?

No! No. You've got a lovely handful.

But the thing is, you're Michelle.

My friend Michelle.

Do you fancy someone else?

I think I do.

But we're OK, yeah?

Because this isn't right when you're missing someone too.

Sid, have you got a razor I could borrow?

It's OK, Dad. Michelle's just a bit upset.

SHE SOBS

(Finally!)

Liz? ...Yeah.

Hey, listen. It's conclusive! He's not gay!

Should have rung, but she doesn't answer. Let's go.

Just because you made someone try to k*ll herself doesn't mean she won't be glad to see you.

You reckon?

That's it, we're going.

For Christ's sake! Come on.

(Both) Wow!

(Sid) Jesus. What are they all doing?

They're trying to be happy, Sid. It isn't easy.

(Sid) No.

Can you see her?

Let's mingle.

(Michelle) Just be inconspicuous.

BANG!

(Both) Whoa!

Cass...

Oh, wow. Hi. What a lovely surprise.

Hey, Cass.

How are you doing?

I'm so cool. But we're not supposed to have visitors during happy time.

We won't be long. Sid wants to say something.

Lovely.

I'll leave you to it, OK?

You want to stroke my p*ssy?

Um... Isn't he lovely?

There were four, but they won't let Gerard look after them any more.

Um, Cass...

I'm sorry you tried to k*ll yourself because of me.

Oh, that's OK, Sid.

I realised something. I've been an idiot.

Yes.

And I was hoping maybe you'd give me another chance?

Oh, wow, Sid!

Cool. You're so lovely. Wow!

Great.

If I wasn't seeing Simon, that'd be amazing.

Simon?

That's me.

We've got so much in common.

Depression, self-Ioathing.

He knows we can't have a physical thing, I don't do that now.

I'm still hoping you'll change your mind.

I won't. So you see, it's all so exciting.

Right.

He wants me.

I do.

And he can never have me.

I'm hopeful.

It's just perfect. Isn't it?

I could get to like this.

I find it rather cool for Kenya this time of year.

OK.

OK, Marjorie, ready?

Quite. Now, did you have a word with the Prince of Wales?

He simply must stop coming in to my room.

He's a frightful cad and, well, I mean, I'm old enough to be his mother.

Ha.

Hi.

Um, what are you doing here?

Er, visiting. What are you doing?

Working for my mum. She kind of owns the place.

I think you might be breaking the rules.

Oh, leave the girl alone. She's tremendous thighs and deserves a little respect.

You're right, Marjorie. Take your time.

Thank you.

Listen...

Do you fancy a coffee maybe? Tomorrow?

Yeah. Nice.

Mud Dock, then. Tomorrow, about midday?

OK.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Would you have a word with the quartermaster?

I like my antelope preferably fairly well cooked.

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.

Hello?

What the f*ck?

They've sent me too many f*cking Bongo Dongo Dogs.

You know Mum meets clients here on a Tuesday?

So? And I've only got two Gerry Giraffes.

Why are you such a w*nk*r, Malcolm?

Eh?

I know you're using her. Spending her money on your f*ck-ups.

I can only assume you've got a huge cock, because there's no other reason she'd waste her time on a tit like you.

DOOR OPENS

Hi, I'm back...

What the f*ck?

Um, what the f*ck are these?

That's Bongo Dongo Dog, and this is Gerry Giraffe.

Hey, babe.

I have got clients coming round in eight minutes to buy into my unique vision of modern furnishings and fabrics.

I thought that we could put a few of them about and maybe your clients could buy 'em.

You think my clients would decorate their homes with these?

Sure they would, babe. Look at the little expression on his face.

Ah, love it. Ain't they lovely?

Get these f*cking f*cking f*ckers...

They're 17.99 each...

...out of my f*cking house!

ORNAMENT SMASHES

(Malcolm) You bitch. You keep your hands off my stuff.

(Mum) Tosser. Keep your crap out of my house!

(Malcolm) There's nowhere else to put it. And keep your stupid daughter out of my face.

(Mum) They were so right about you.

(Malcolm) Oh, yeah? About what?

(Mum) You're a useless, lazy tosser.

(Malcolm) Fat old slapper.

(Mum) f*ck you!

(Malcolm) f*ck you right back, right up your big, fat, lardy arse!

Goodbye, Malcolm.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH Malcolm says you were rude to him. You'll go and say you're sorry.

No!

Go and say you're sorry to my husband!

Right. Go on, then.

I'm sorry.

I should never have said you have a big cock.

I now realise I was mistaken.

That's not how it sounds, babe.

I know. Because you do, don't you?

What?

Have an unfeasibly large cock.

Yep.

Well, get it out, Bongo Dongo Boy, cos I'm ready to make up.

(Michelle) She does my head in. He's my third stepdad in seven years.

Twenty-f*cking-seven years old.

Jesus, I mean, that's disgusting, right? That's, that's...

I dunno. It's better she's got someone, isn't it?

You think?

God, yeah. Mother hasn't been laid in ten years.

Probably why she's off her trolley.

She's what?

She's completely nuts.

Psychotic basket case.

And she's a...

Child psychiatrist.

It's nice.

What?

Having someone to talk to.

My last boyfriend never really spoke to me.

How's that?

It's hard to explain.

Everything Tony says, you can't work out whether it's a joke or an insult or...

I dunno.

Sounds like he wore you out.

Yeah.

You really know how to get me talking, don't you?

Son of a psychiatrist. Get it every sodding day.

Your mother analyses you?

And the rest.

I'm unstable with neurotic obsessive tendencies. I take them.

It keeps her happy, and keeps me happy too, actually.

God. You're very upfront.

What other way is there to be?

Josh... do you wanna get out of here?

Where to?

A few drinks... I dunno.

Let's go.

f*ck the drinks. Let's go to my place.

One is a g*n with a dart for my sweetheart Two, only you Can remove such an ache, so Three Let me see what you've got What you're made of, what you're not...

Hi, Tony. You're looking so, so fit.

Fit as f*ck, yah? Yah?

Hi, Abi.

I heard you dumped that chav girl. That's so safe. Slut.

We just weren't on the same level intellectually.

Not like you and me, eh, Abi?

I am rather brainy.

Yes.

Which was why I was thinking you might be just the right person to help with my photographic project.

It's a study of the human form.

In-depth, focus study.

Well, that sounds jolly interesting, Tony.

When were you thinking of starting?

Because I'm completely free right now.

Cool. My place?

Safe.

You're lovely.

Am I?

Yeah.

You're clever, funny, and... very, very pretty.

Do you think one of my tits is bigger than the other?

What?

Is one...

Never mind.

Never mind.

You really have to take those things?

Yeah, afraid so. Done it for so long.

Mother used to serve them up with breakfast.

I get a bit wobbly otherwise.

I can't believe that.

You should try without.

No.

Um, you wouldn't like me so much.

I think I would.

DOOR SLAMS Who's that?

I thought everybody was out.

(Malcolm) Cheers, mate.

I'll get the rest.

Malcolm?

I thought you was at college today.

You know, of all my mum's marriages, I think this has been the shortest.

I don't have to explain this to you.

No, you don't.

Tell her I'm sorry.

I just couldn't hack it, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Something to remember me by.

Careless.

Goodbye, Malcolm.

Bye.

Six little stitches thread through my heart Seven shiny reasons tearing us apart Eight, loose your hate It's a game Come on, love me, it's your fate Nah nah-nah-nah nah nah nah Dart Nah nah-nah-nah nah nah nah For Nah nah-nah-nah nah nah nah My Nah nah-nah-nah nah nah nah Sweetheart Nah nah-nah-nah nah nah nah, sweetheart Dart for my sweetheart...

(Man) Sorry, mate.

(Josh) That's all right.

Quite a nice phone, mate.

Cheers, Jonno.

Yeah. Later, Tone.

You're such a gentleman.

I'll ring you.

Maybe just whistle.

What?

You know how to whistle, don't you, Josh?

You put your lips together and...

I'll whistle.

Here's a tenner. Get her home safe, yeah?

MOBILE BEEPS MOBILE BEEPS MOBILE BEEPS Stay not, be gone.

Live, and hereafter say,

"A madman's mercy bade thee run away."

SOBS CRYING ON PHONE What? Who?

(Michelle) 'Josh. He sent me pictures of Abigail.

'She's... She's got her tits out for him!

'Why did he do that? '

Who's? Who's Josh?

Chelle!

'Oh, God! He warned me.

'He's f*cking crazy.

'I feel so weird! '

Ah, babes.

You'll be OK.

WOMAN CRYING I'm fine. I'm fine...

I f*cked it all up again!

I'm too loud. Too impatient. Too clever.

You know, what I always forget is, because I'm happy, you know, because I'm just being me, I can't help it if I'm a funny old cow with a loud mouth and a big bum!

Your bum's not that big.

You know, I never felt tired around him.

I felt good, really good, and now he's gone, the f*cking twat!

And I know he loves me, he's just a scaredy cat.

I'm sorry, Mum.

You know, I really, really loved having sex with him!

INAUDIBLE Hi.

Hi.

I'm so sorry, Chelle.

Come on. Let me see.

Jesus, I didn't know you could get your legs into that position!

He warned me. He told me his family were screwy.

Told me he was, too.

Well, that's pretty screwy! Taking beaver sh*ts of your own sister?!

Delete them.

Has he tried to ring you?

About a thousand times.

Don't.

Don't worry.

Drink?

Yeah.

Malcolm.

How are you doing?

Not so clever, as it goes.

Why's that, then, w*nk*r?

I just... miss the big mouth and the big bum.

She's my mum, Malcolm. Watch your lip!

I always blow it, all right?

I get jumpy.

I just... I wish I could, like, f*cking just...

I'm a w*nk*r.

I'm a w*nk*r.

Does she miss me?

No.

All right. She f*cking misses you.

But you let her down, Malcolm, that can't happen again.

So decide.

Stay here or get your coat.

Don't you f*cking dare go back on it!

Let's go.

I'm staying out here.

Spruce up, man!

OK?

OK.

OK.

You're a proper girl, yeah?

Yeah.

Hello, Nips.

I heard about Pervy Boy.

He really needs to learn how to use a phone. "Send To AIl".

You gotta be careful with that.

Yeah. You're probably right, Tone.

So...

So?

Can we stop this now?

And?

Get back to normal.

Stuff happens. You get over it.

Yeah, but...

Yeah, but.

Yeah, but.

Chelle, you got nasty.

Yeah.

What are you doing here?

I came because it turns out that, as it goes...

...I think I might love you.

That's an awfully long sentence, Tony.

Well, yeah, but...

Yeah.

Chelle!

I said it, OK?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Beg.

Sorry?

You heard me, Tone.

OK.

Look, please can we get back?

I won't do any of it again. The cheating and lying...

Undermining. Sneering. Taunting. Manipulating.

OK. Yeah. All of those things.

I promise.

So?

So I'll see you around.