1x09 - Everyone

[bunniefuu]

Yeah.

Do that again.

PHONE RINGS Hey, Maxxie.

Happy birthday, mate.

You f*cked up my dream, Max.

What was it?

Oh, the usual. Russian virgins.

'Good Muslim boys don't dream about virgins.'

That's where you're wrong, Max.

That's all we dream of.

Will you come to my birthday party, Max?

Will you tell your mum and dad I'm gay?

I dunno.

I can't unless you do.

Maxxie, it won't be right if you don't come.

'17. It's the year of telling the truth. OK?

'The truth, yeah, mate? '

PHONE GOES DEAD

(AI!) Happy birthday!

Agh!

SCREAMING Mum! Get out!

Mum!

A respectful boy at least wears something in bed!

Happy birthday, little boy!

I'm 17, Mum. I'm not a little boy any more.

So it would seem.

Now hurry up, everybody's waiting downstairs for you!

"Dear... Cassie."

"Hi... Cassie."

"Hey... Cassie."

Oh, bollocks!

"Cassie."

"Dear Sid...

"It isn't easy to tell you this, so that's why I'm writing.

"Don't try to ring me because you're not allowed to here, "and anyway, I don't want to speak to you "and there's nothing you can say to change this."

"I'm sh*t with words.

"Everything always comes out so... crap.

"But I've been thinking and everything is getting clearer."

"My mum and dad have decided that things aren't working out.

"So we're moving to a place called Elgin.

"It's in Scotland and everyone's happy there."

"The thing is, Cass, I've woken up this morning, "the sun's shining through the window and it's making me think of you.

"Cassie, it's not right you hiding away in that clinic. You've got to get out in the world!"

"They're coming for me tonight "and then I'll be gone and we won't have to play this game any more."

"Cassie, I don't care if you think you're odd "because I feel like singing when I see you and you're beautiful.

"I've been such a f*cking chapstick these past few weeks "and all I want to do now is sit on Brandon Hill "and hold you and tell you how wonderful you are "and stick my hand down your knickers."

No. Jesus! "And..."

"I want you to know I really liked you, Sid."

"And..."

"But it's too late now.

"Goodbye."

I love you.

DOORBELL Ange, there's someone at your door.

Yeah.

DOORBELL Angie? Are you ashamed of me?

Of course I'm f*cking ashamed of you!

Tut, p*ssy! Right, I'll tell whoever it is...

No! Just stay there.

For Christ's sakes!

Oh, Christ!

Angela!

Merve?!

When did you get back?

Now!

Merve, you can't just do this.

We need to talk.

Angela, you know you missed me.

This isn't fair!

Where's your ring?

I threw it in the f*cking harbour, OK?

FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS Angie? What ring?

CHATTER OF FEMALE VOICES Where were you?

Sorry. Slept in.

Slept in? You miss prayers with an excuse like that?

Dad, it's my birthday.

Aren't you going to say hello?

I've been on control since three o'clock yesterday.

32 cabs, not that you'd care. It's a stupid fuss over a birthday party.

Does it give respect to God? Does it promote peace?

No, Dad.

Does it help the poor? It's an affront.

So why do we have to do it anyway? I don't even want a party.

Because I love that woman more than these legs I drag myself along on, and what she wants, she gets. All right?

Is Maxxie here yet?

Um... no.

We don't see him these days.

We had a fight.

A fight? You fight with your friends?

Yeah.

What would you fight Maxxie about? He's a good boy.

Always well turned out, respectful. The best type.

Never mind.

Whatever it is, forgive him and don't be a bloody fool.

Now tell them I'm sleeping, huh?

(Mum) Put down that food!

(Child) Auntie, can I have one?

No, you can't! Get out of my kitchen!

Who's that boy? All the time there's little boys.

Boys don't... Here he is!

(AI!) Happy birthday!

Hi, Auntie Jess.

Oh! He's got a moustache. Little Anwar's got a moustache!

That ain't all Little Anwar's got.

Why aren't you saying hello to Aunty Sahra and Uncle Muneer?

Sorry. HE SHOUTS They've come all the way from Sutton Coldfield and they don't get a hello?

Hello, Uncle Muneer.

Anwar. So... 18 at last, huh?

No. No, I'm 17.

What?

He's 17?

Yeah. What's the problem?

You drag me here, all this way! I paid money to drive on the M6. Money -

just to drive on a road to come to a 17th birthday party? Huh?!

Ahh! Got you!

I had you going, didn't I? Didn't I?

He is so funny, my brother!

(Mum) Why did you fall for that one?

(Every f*cking year!)

L-O-L-L-l-P-O-P.

Lollipop.

You're just too good.

Of course!

When are your folks coming?

Later. They've packed.

Hm. Bummer.

You wanna get out of here?

Huh?

Let's go out.

We're not allowed.

Come on. I want one last look.

What if we get hungry?

There's... there's food out there, you know.

Come on!

How?

It's easy.

We're just getting a breath of fresh air.

My friend thinks she want to puke.

Go. For f*ck's sake, go!

HE PANTS Hello?

'Restorations Clinic.'

Can you help me? I really, really need to come in.

I know you don't like it, but I need to come in, OK?

Hello. Can I help?

Yes. Yes. I need to see someone. It's very important.

There's something I have to get off my chest and if I don't, I'm afraid everything might just totally go to sh*t.

Right.

I've got something going on and I need to see someone.

I've got something going on in here...

(T-shirt) 'Megadog's trying to tell us something. Woof, woof!"

OK. Let's see if we can sort you out, shall we?

Just you wait right there.

Ah, thanks. I don't know what this means, but...

What? What's going on?

What are you doing? Let go! Come on! You don't understand! Cassie-ie-ie!

HEAVY DOOR SLAMS Hey!

I'm not mad, for f*ck's sake! I'm fine!

I'm fine!

LIGHTER CLICKS For f*ck's sake!

PHONE RINGS

'What? '

Leave him alone.

'What the f*ck, Angie?! What the f*ck? '

Hey. Hey, I wanna talk to you.

Talk away, sweetie.

Are you gonna tell me who the f*ck you are?

I'm the fiance.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Since when?

Since she asked me to marry her.

Where the f*ck did you come from?

I'm Mervin. She gave me genital herpes.

I'm the love of her life. I'm back.

You don't stand a chance, kid, not even with that beautiful little cock of yours.

What, she told you?

She tells me everything, kid. I can see into her soul.

Now do us a favour and disappear, OK?

But... No. She can see into my soul.

How old are you?

17.

You haven't got a soul yet.

With luck you haven't got herpes, either. Quit while you're ahead.

And with that, I bid you good day.

Hi, Effy.

Your brother just called me. We're not speaking.

I heard things got a bit out of control last week.

You feeling better?

Is that why they sent you to the posh school?

They think that'll sort you out?

School on a Saturday.

Hardcore.

Why don't you speak, Effy?

Does nobody ask you why?

It must mean something.

Doesn't anybody care?

Tony really hurt me, Effy.

Why did he do that?

Sometimes I think you're the only person in the whole world Tony truly cares about.

I thought maybe... maybe he told you why he did that.

If I could trust him to tell the truth just once, then maybe I could...

It was nice seeing you, Effy. I'm glad you're OK.

'I love you, Tone! '

'You're going to be on Big Brother, Nips.'

'You do that and I'll k*ll you! '

'You're gonna be famous.'

'But if you're famous you have to have, like, huge boobs 'and blonde hair and I have neither of them. Would you like me like that? '

'I like you like that, Nips.

'You've gotta do something whacky.

'What? '

'Come to bed with me. Please.'

MICHELLE SCREAMS

'I'm sorry! I'm sorry! '

'Give me that phone! '

'What? '

'Go on! '

'Nips, Nips, calm down... Calm down, Nips.'

RINGING TONE Answer. You know you want to.

'Hi. This is Michelle. Leave a message, except if you're Tony, 'because Tony can f*ck off! '

BEEP Please.

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

(Anwar's mum) Hurry up. Make sure you set up all the tables and everything.

The caterer's going to be late, I know.

GIGGLING

(Anwar's mum) What are you giggling about?

"Anwar, you naughty boy, I want to spank your..." Who wrote this?

FEEDBACK SQUEAKS Who wrote that?

Mum, why does Uncle Muneer have to do the disco again?

Why on earth not?

It's just... Mum, please.

Are you hearing this? He doesn't want my own brother's gift of music.

Do what your mother says, ungrateful wretch!

But, Dad...

Your uncle knows what's respectable.

Dad!

Your English friends have no restraint.

They don't wear enough clothes. They drink, shout, fornicate. They puke in the back of cabs.

We have proper, tuneful music, so the English don't burn the place down and get me arrested.

That's why your mother is right in all things. Now say no more about it. No more!

Thank you, Istiak. Thank you very much.

Come on, you three, now. Is the buffet going to do itself?

Muneer's an arsehole.

What did you just?

A complete tosser. At least he can't grope the women up there.

FEEDBACK

Ladies!

Hello, Mr Kharral.

Nicely dressed too. You see - respectful.

I keep asking Anwar when Maxxie is coming.

He says they fought. Why would anyone fight a boy like Maxxie?

Well... I never see Maxxie, you know. He was such a wonderful dancer. Tap dancing, huh?

Superb. Physical.

Yeah. We know...

Anyway. Have some fun, huh?

I won't be long.

Cool. But hurry, in case I get hungry.

RINGS DOORBELL

Oh! Hi, Cassie, come in.

Sid's not here.

I know.

Bye.

Oh, sh*t!

'So let's take a look at what's going to be happening in New South Wales.

'It's going to be hot, super hot, and you'd better keep in the shade around noon, 'because, by golly, it's going to hit 42! Whooo!

'Ah, you've caught me off guard. Thanks, Burt(!)

'... Flushing those pesky beggars from underneath your porch.

'Showers will carry on till Thursday, so get your bowsers out, guys.'

You're gay.

'Now let's take a look at what's cooking down in Tasmania 'and believe me, whooo... '
CLICK!

DOOR SHUTS I broke in.

That's not fair, Chris.

You lied to me.

I never lied. I just...

Merve went away on a field trip to Alaska for six months.

Climate change.

What? He doesn't like hot weather?

No. Climate change!

The f*cking icebergs are melting, OK?

Oh...

Christ!

Did you ever pay any attention in college, Chris?

We're trying to f*cking educate you!

Well, cheers, Angie.

Appreciate it.

We had some issues...

Well, Merve did.

And I...

Screwed around.

You don't know what I did.

You really don't know that much about me, Chris.

I need some time.

Can't you see it?

What?

We've got some stuff. We've got some stuff...

I'll see you, Angie.

Can't take it, huh, sweetie?

(Oh, yeah.)

b*at it.

DISCO MUSIC Hi. Enjoying your party?

Um... Do I know you?

I'm Seeta... friend of Atifa.

Oh. Right, um...

Have I met you before?

Like a million times.

I asked your sister to invite me here tonight.

Right... Why was that?

(I want to tongue you senseless, big boy.)

Just to check... you're not my cousin, are you?

No.

You're not related to me in any way.

Uh-uh.

Happy birthday, Anwar.

(Thank you, Jesus... )

RECORD SCRATCHES, FEEDBACK

(Muneer) Welcome, everybody, and a happy birthday to Anwar!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE He's the apple of my sister's eye, a great God-fearing lad.

So we've thrown a party to celebrate his birthday and his marriage to his cousin who's just flown in from Pakistan!

GASPS AND HUSHED MURMURING Aaaah!

Got you!

Had you going!

Didn't I? Didn't I?

I'll bloody k*ll him! I'll k*ll him!

So come on, everybody, let's dance!

MUSIC STARTS UP AGAIN Oh, yeah! All right!

Here we go, whoo-whoo!

Come on, everybody, hit the dance floor.

Come on, whooo-whooo!

Raas!

This is a big boy tune!

This mofo's got some serious riddims kickin' off!

You get me?! You get me?!

I'd so would love you to dance.

Would you?

Oh, God!

Oh, God! It's wonderful!

That's cool. I'm glad.

I think there's one more place I want to go.

I'm eating...

OK.

I never knew life could be so good!

It's OK. I don't think he's dangerous... for the moment.

This is another fine mess you got yourself into.

I gotta find Cassie.

She's not here, mate. Run away again.

What?

Well, I've gotta tell her something.

Do you understand me? I've gotta find her. I...

I love her.

Oh... well.

Then we'd better attend to that need with due dispatch, my friend.

Tony, you're my best friend, but I really don't know what the f*ck you're on about most of the time.

Do you think that matters?

Sidney, I think, on balance, it helps.

I reckon Anwar's party, yeah?

Yeah. That's it! Let's go, for f*ck's sake!

Tone, this is my dad's car.

Yep. I went round to get your clothes. Your dad was watching the football and I reckoned we'd get here a lot faster if I nicked it.

You stole my dad's car again?!

Yeah, but I've got Effy to worry about now.

I'm meant to keep an eye on her now she's a drug fiend.

Better get changed, mate. You don't get the girl wearing Bermuda shorts.

f*ck it. Drive!

A mission of love... Cool!

God. You're like... totally...

...totally... fit.

I know.

I'm so sorry.

There's somebody just has to meet you.

PHONE RINGS Hi.

'Where are you, man? '

I'm outside, An. It's really f*cking cold.

'Come inside.'

I don't think so.

'Just come inside, man. You gotta see this... '

No, Anwar. It doesn't matter. I'm going, OK?

'Maxxie... Maxxie, I'm coming.'

Please.

Maxxie!

Hi, Mr Kharral.

You're just in time for the food.

Dad, Maxxie's gay.

We've got a fantastic lamb bhuna.

My wife made it because she knows...

Dad. Did you hear me?

And the spices are just so hot, you know. Not too much, not too little...

I'm gay, Mr Kharral.

I always have been.

It's a f*cking stupid, messed-up world.

I've got my God. He speaks to me every day.

Some things I just can't work out. So I leave them be. OK?

Even if I think they're wrong.

Because I know one day he'll make me understand.

I've got that trust.

It's called belief.

I'm a lucky man. Right?

Yes, Dad.

Come, Maxxie. The food's ready.

Jesus, Anwar! Who's the DJ? That's Starship. Even I think that's wank!

Can't be that bad. They've got lamb bhuna.

What? Your mum's?

Yup.

Let's go.

I've had the best birthday present ever.

Cos you're back with your best mate, yeah?

No, stupid. I've pulled.

MUSIC BOOMS INSIDE You coming in?

Go find Cassie.

Cheers, Tone.

Sid...

That was on your bed.

All right.

I'll see you.

Just you and me, sis.

f*cking w*nk*r. >

Eff? What you talking about?

Michelle.

I tried.

Nah. w*nk*r.

I said sorry.

w*nk*r.

Effy!

I liked it better when you didn't talk.

w*nk*r.

Stay here.

VOMITING >

Hey, Cassie.

Wow! Hi, Tony.

Is she all right?

She couldn't make it stick.

Bummer.

I'm leaving tonight. We're going to Scotland.

Sid's looking for you.

Tell him goodbye for me.

Tell him yourself.

No.

See you, Tony.

No, wait! I've got you a going-away present.

I think you want to see this.

Style-wise it could be improved. But it made several compelling thematic points.

MUSIC BLARES MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH MUSIC STOPS, CHEERING Excuse me.

Give it back, mate.

Huh?

My ring's gone walkabout, cobber, and I've come over all shonky.

I've heard that can happen.

You looking for a touch of this?

Oh, Merve, we hardly know each other.

You don't want me and my Joeys to spit the dummy.

Because they'll take you lower than a dead dingo's donger.

Right. Now they've lost me.

Stop it! Stop it, all of you, for f*ck's sake!

Give it back, Chris. OK?

Give what back?

All right.

Sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a happy event!

A very happy event! Everyone, whoo!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING No. No, it's not that. Listen!

MUSIC STARTS It's yours, Angie. Do you want it?

No.

Yeah. She loves me.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

Watch out!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Has anybody seen Cassie?

(Anwar's mum) Someone call the police!

(Anwar's mum) Not the face!

TINKLING RINGTONE Hello, Tony.

'Michelle? '

What?

Michelle, I want to talk to you.

'I can't hear you.'

Michelle, listen... Is it a bad signal?

Hang on.

Can you hear me now?

'Tony? '

I need to tell you something.

I'm a twat.

I don't know why I'm like this. Maybe I can change.

'I can change.'

You're the only one.

'The truth is... '

The truth is, I love you.

HORN BLARES BRAKES SCREECH

Tony! Ahhhhh!

Tony?

Tony!

f*ck!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Now that I've lost everything to you You say you wanna start something new And it's breaking my heart you're leaving Baby, I'm grieving But if you wanna leave, take good care Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world It's hard to get by just upon a smile Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world I'll always remember you like a child, girl You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do And it's breaking my heart in two Cos I never wanna see you sad, girl Don't be a bad girl But if you wanna leave, take good care Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world It's hard to get by just upon a smile Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world I'll always remember you like a child, girl La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Baby, I love you But if you wanna leave, take good care I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world It's hard to get by just upon a smile Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world And I'll always remember you like a child, girl Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world It's hard to get by just upon a smile Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world And I'll always remember you like a child, girl.

(Cassie) Hi.

(Sid) Hi.