2x02 - Sketch

US Seasons 1-7 and UK Original Version Complete Collection. Aired: February 2007 to August 2013.*
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The story of a group of British teens who are trying to grow up and find love and happiness despite questionable parenting and teachers who more want to be friends (and lovers) rather than authority figures.
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2x02 - Sketch

Post by bunniefuu »

(Woman on monitor)

'Lucy? Can you hear me? '

'Lucy! '

CAMERA CLICKS SHE GROANS SHE GROANS SIGHS AND BREATHES HEAVILY

You wearing perfume, love?

It's the new air freshener thing.

I bought it for the bathroom.

Thought Maxxie got you perfume. Thought, "Here's posh, "boyfriend who buys you perfume."

He'd buy me perfume if I asked.

I know. Do anything, wouldn't he?

Long as you don't introduce him to the scary disabled mother, that is.

I will introduce him to you.

When the cock crows thrice, I know.

Done?

BREAKS WIND AND LAUGHS Always leave the waters a tip, that's what your gran used to say.

(Own voice in her head)

'Did you hear that?

'The building's coming down, there's nothing we can do.'

If I'm to die, I'd rather it be with you than anyone else in the world.

(American accent) Darling, oh, darling, how long I've waited to hear those words.

PIANO PLAYS

Once I was a lonely banker All I cared for were margins and accounts I'd pass you on the phone each morning I knew one day that love would sprout Then came the day Osama blew us away

(Chorus) Osama blew them away And now I know how I feel

(Chorus) Then came the day Osama blew us away Osama blew them away Then came the day Osama blew us away Osama blew them away Then came the day...


No, no, no, no, NO!

No.

Do you know what this is?

This is my script and I'm burning it.

And do you know why? Becau...

Does someone wanna give me a hand here, please? Quickly, quickly, thank you.

Because... You know I've burnt my... fing...

Because you made it sh*t!

Shitl

Do you know what we're doing here?

Do you?

Max...

This is an opportunity, a real opportunity, to tell the tragedy of my people.

You're American(?)

(American accent) Yes, I am. Metaphorically.

(Normal voice) Look, in two hours' time, this woman will be dead. Dead! You know why?

Because Osama in pyjamas is making his way up the stairs to take us unawares.

Oh, get off me, Bruce.

(American accent) Outside, the world is crumbling, the towers are coming down.

But soon... she'll forget.

When two lips... Oh, sod it, time for show and tell.

HE GROANS LAUGHS Mmm... Aaarrrgh!

To paraphrase Mr Punch, son, "That's the way to do it."

Now, from Michelle's verse! Come on! Whoo!

PIANO PLAYS

I'd bring you coffee and a bagel But you never had the time for me I dreamed that one day you'd say, "Hey, girl "That bagel's mighty fine, it's plain to see"

Then came the day Osama blew us away

(Chorus) Osama blew them away And now you know how I feel

(Chorus) Then came the day Osama blew us away Osama blew them away...


LIGHT CRASHES SCREAMING What the f*ck?!

It just slipped. Sorry.

ANWAR LAUGHS Not funny, ok? This is like the 15th present this week.

It's getting quite spooky, innit? How's he getting in your locker?

I wish he'd just tell me who he is.

What is it?

An Oscar.

Full of chocolate.

(Anwar) Every actor's dream, though, innit?

(Sid) What are you talking about, mate?

(Anwar) Stalker the ultimate accessory.

(Sid) Not everyone's as desperate for sex as you, Anwar.

(Maxxie) Sid!

(Anwar) No, he's right. See these hands?

f*cking friction burns, man!

My sisters are getting suspicious about their disappearing hand cream.

(Maxxie) I'm gonna get you laid tonight.

(Sid) I'll bring some spare hand cream, you just bring your smile!

No, seriously, Sid, what have you come as? A cardboard Big Dickus?

Gladiator to the stars.

f*ck off!

So, stalky-stalky-stalk-stalk. Do you think he's coming tonight?

sh*t! It could be any one of these people.

Don't!

If he was clever, he'd come as a sort of film where the stalker wins.

You know, Hugh Grant in Four Weddings.

What? How is Four Weddings about stalking?

Four weddings, one funeral, and Hugh just happens to be at all five.

You'd think Andie MacDowell was cleverer than that.

Oh... my... God!

Go on, guess. Guess.

Eh? Give up?

Daisy Werthan.

I don't know who she is, either.

Driving Miss Daisy! Best Picture Oscar, 1990.

And this is my man, who is...

Morgan Freeman.

No! How many times have I got to tell you?

Ok, you're Hoke. Yeah? Actor, Freeman, part, Hoke.

You don't know the first thing about films, do you, Kenneth?

- How many films have you seen, Chris?

What? Counting p*rn?


Well, no.

One. Driving Miss Daisy. It's a classic.

Interestingly, they did make a p*rn version of the film called Fisting Miss Daisy.

It was a really good film. Really stood up to the original. Phenomenal.

MUSIC PLAYS Here comes my leading lady.

Whoo, what an entrance!

What?

Oh!

Princess Leia, right? Jinx!

And you look so... home-made.

Doesn't she, Tony? Gloriously quaint.

(Tony) Hi, Michelle.

You dressed as Luke? For her?

Well, I guess I...

Did I?

Tony!

You think either of them's actually seen Star Wars?

You reckon they know Luke's her brother?

INAUDIBLE Solid! No...

I stood here solid and no-one could rock me.

But now comes a mullah who'll awe and shock me...

Yep, that works. That really works. That's lovely.

Mr Gelpart.

Well, I never! The light-dropper.

Thank you. Sincerely. No, I thank you.

You made the rehearsal feel... dangerous.

I want to act.

Yeah, well, who doesn't?

I need Michelle's part.

What?

She's terrible.

I should play her.

Oh, my dear...

Come here.

Acting is about truth.

Truth is about beauty.

Ugly people lack believability. Now, how can I put this kindly?

You look like a liar.

I really want that part.

Mmm. Not on my ship, darling.

(Maxxie) In there, mate. Let's see what we can grab.

Come on, Bruce. Where the goodies at?

Whoa! sh*t! If Bruce can get laid, anyone can.

What's the plan, then, Rambo?

It's an ancient dating strategy for getting laid.

Mark yourself out of ten, and then aim two points below.

An eight goes for a six.

That way, guaranteed success.

Look, a poodle doesn't get nothing with a Labrador, but if he aims for a Chihuahua? Woof!

So what number are you, then, hound-dog?

A seven.

A six?

I'm not a five.

Am I a five?

Mate, you're a seven. Course you are.

Yeah, baby! So we need to find me a five, yeah?

MUSIC WITH A JERKY b*at PLAYS Mate, I've found your five. Wait here.

What? Where?

Hi, hello.

Hi, I, er...

You were the one who dropped the light, right?

Maxxie. You're a f*cking genius.

You're single, right?

What?

You got a boyfriend? A guy?

No. I've got no-one. I mean, yeah - I'm single.

Cool.

So what do you say... dance with my mate, Anwar?

He's seventh heaven.

Anwar?

Yeah, Anwar, baby.

007.

And you... my Chanel No 5.

Sorry. I've got to go.

What? Hang on.

You sure I'm a seven?

Let's look for some fours, shall we?

Just in case.

I can't believe after everything that's happened, you'd bring her to the party.

She, er, says I'm her boyfriend.

You're not Tony any more, are you?

Yeah, I'm Tony.

Ok.

On the day of the accident, you were on the phone to me. Tell me what you said.

The doctors told me some things would take a while to come back.

Ok, then.

Let's bring you back.

(Michelle) Come on, come on. I want to touch you.

I can't...

Course you can.

(Oh.)

You're not...

No. I'm not.

I've got to go.

Not worth it, are they?

Who the f*ck are you?

How come boys could do that to us?

Make us feel like sh*t?

He didn't...

You don't understand.

Ok.

It's difficult for him now.

Us now.

But do you remember what it was like to kiss him for the first time?

That magic moment when everything changed?

Fancy a beer?

I say I'm sorry But you won't forgive me You say that you're never mad But your anger fills up the room I've tried to find you And send you some money You think that it's funny And you laugh at me with all of your friends I've tried to reach you But I can't find your number...

TO Y SQUEAKS DOG GROWLS DISTANT SCREAMING AND BANGING ON TV

(Walter) Is that you, Maxxie?

It's the dog, I'm telling you.

PLAINTIVE KEYBOARD MUSIC MUSIC SUDDENLY LOUD DOOR SLAMS

(Maxxie) Hey, Dad. Night.

MOBILE RINGS

(Lucy) 'Underpants.

'To the mirror.

'Cupboard.

'Trousers.

'Back to the mirror.'

Aftershave.

SQUIRTING Mirror again.

Lucy? That you, love?

Lucy?

Yes, Mum.

I need a hand in here.

Jesus, Mum! What happened?

When you weren't back when you said, I thought you'd gone to bed.

But I wanted to check and...

Am I wet?

I'm wet, aren't I?

Did you spend the night with him, love?

Don't.

Let's get these wet clothes off.

No, wait. Better give me a pain pill first.

Better make it two.

No. The doctor said.

They're emetics. I don't want you vomiting.

You're a good girl.

Maxxie's lucky to have you.

Mum... I've got something to tell you.

It was my fault.

I was stupid.

I wanted to be alone, so I went and sat in one of the bedrooms upstairs.

And Bruce... Mr Gelpart, the drama teacher... he came in and asked whether I wanted comforting.

And I didn't say no.

It was his party and his house, so...

And it was just his hands.

Mr Gelpart's hands.

I mean, he... didn't make me touch him or put his anything near me.

Just kissed me on the cheek... and kept kissing me and rubbing his hands over me.

And he said I was great... because I had little tits.

"Almost like a boy," he said.

And that was it. He didn't even touch any other part of me.

Just my cheek... and my tits.

Right. Cheek and tits. Right.

Right.

Tits.

Right.

Oh, dear!

I heard he got his cock out and there's a tattoo on it of Harry Potter, and he starts shouting at Sketch, "Kiss Harry to make him magic!"

Drama teachers, man. "Pretend to be a tree." "But I'm not a tree." "Well, pretend."

f*cking perverts, the lot of 'em!

Is it true?

Yeah. It's true.

Oh! That creep! That f*cking animal! I'm so sorry, Sketch.

I'm the one who should be sorry. I wasn't going to say anything, but my mum insisted and...

Have I ruined everything? The play and...

f*ck the play! Come and sit with us.

That's grown up, Tony.

I've finished. That's all.

What you doing, you tramp?

(Anwar) In my culture, we share our food.

Michelle's got a new friend, then.

(Maxxie) Yeah.

(Anwar) It's a saveloy, man. It draws me in. It's the devil's plaything.

It's an aphrodisiac, too, I've heard.

(Michelle) Come on, Sketch. We can do better than these two. Let's go.
BUZZER SOUNDS REPEATEDLY

'Sketch? '

Sketch!

(Mum) 'Who is this? '

Who's this? Who are you?

I've had enough of you kids playing. Leave us alone!

'What? Look! Do you have a daughter at the school? '

None of your business. Leave us alone!

'I need to know! This is important. Look, my name's Maxxie.'

Your name's Maxxie?

'Yeah.'

Maxxie in the school play?

Maxxie who's dating my daughter?

What?!

What are you even doing answering the door?

The disgrace!

Disgrace?

Lies, all lies! A boyfriend? No, you haven't. In the musical? No, you haven't.

After all I've done for you, you f*cking... you f*cking...

Oh, my God! The drama teacher!

You've lied about him, too, haven't you?

Well, I'm not gonna let you ruin a man's life.

Ow! No! I didn't bring you up to be a liar!

You didn't bring me up at all, you f*cking... cr*pple!

So... what?

You going to keep holding me to the bed all day and all night, are you?

Whatever trouble you're in, I'll support you.

But this is a man's life.

It's for your own good. Crawling out of bed isn't good for you.

I will not... let you f*ck up my life, Mum.

Ok?

DOOR CLOSES Lucy?

Lucy!

Just time to say the things I must Before my hopes all turn to dust Now nothing seems to matter And every word is true When I say I'm blown away With you

(Sketch) Then came the day You blew me away

(Chorus) Osama blew them away What can I say?

(Sketch) You blew me away And now I'm falling...

(Chorus) Now I'm falling

(Sketch) We're falling...

In love


(Chris) Ah, the magic of the stage! The thrill of anticipation!

I feel like a Roman about to throw a lion at the Christians.

Chris, it's a school musical.

(Chris) But who do you think would win between Maxxie and a lion?

(Tannoy) 'Osama The Musical, this is your half-hour call.'

Do you want to help me get dressed?

You want me to look good, don't you?

You nervous?

Oh, God! On a scale of one to...

Oh, f*ck scales, I'm sh1tting it!

You're gonna be so good.

I'm under-rehearsed and sh*t!

Do you want something to get you through it?

What have you got?

Pills of my mum's.

You need to take three to get a decent hit.

Anti-anxieties. They'll chill you out.

Go on, I'd love to help you out.

Ok, thanks.

RETCHING AND VOMITING My mother was right!

"Do science," she said, "Do science. Science makes sense."

But the lights drew me... like a moth to a flame.

Right! Nothing for it. Cancellation o'clock.

I know the words!

What?!

You do?

Oh, my God!

I've been helping her learn them. I know them all.

I think you just saved my Welsh rarebit.

Let's get you into costume.

We're over ten minutes late now. It's time for action.

If Rome won't go to Mohammed, then Mohammed will clap until it does.

Hi, Tony.

That's someone's seat.

Yes, honey, it's for your queen bee.

Zzzzzz!

MUSIC STARTS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Works every time.


We-e-e-e-e-e're...

The last of the superpowers George Dubya is our leader We've still got both Twin Towers Never heard of Al-Qaeda It's September 11th Just another day In a tower in downtown heaven


New York City U S of A

Today will be better Today will be the one Today is no red letter It's out there to be won Today my sun is shining Today is somewhere new Today's a silver lining Today will see me through Today will be better Today will be the one Today is no red letter It's out there to be won Today you'll know I love you Today you'll see it's true Today's a day for saying "I love you"

What a swell day to live in America!

Gee, it sure is, buddy!

How much d'you make today?

(Boy) One million bucks!

(Boy 2) Did you see the Wall Street Journal?

(Girl) Stocks are rising! Have a nice day!

(Girl 2) Have a nice day!

TAP DANCING

(Chorus) Today will be better Today will be the one...

DOOR OPENS Michelle?

I'm in here, Tony.

TOILET DOOR CLOSES Don't come in.

I've got vomit in my hair.

I just searched half the school for you.

I don't know why.

Because you care about me.

I told you I loved you, didn't I? The day it happened.

The accident.

Do you actually remember, or is that a guess?

Does it matter? Doesn't change anything.

No.

Should I say something else now?

No.

Let's just say nothing for a bit.

SONG IN MUSICAL ENDS APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Michelle! Is Chelle ok?

I gave her some mild stuff to make her vomit.

From the look of her waist, I'm sure she's thrown up worse.

Who the f*ck are you?

Do you believe in magic, Maxxie?

When we kiss...

When we kiss...

I'm gay! Do you understand that?!

Look at me! I'm as close to a boy as you can get!

You could love me.

We could love each other.

You're f*cking crazy!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

(Chorus)... You put it all together and what have you got?

You can't help it, can't get it enough I'm Boogie-Woogie Bagel Boy Let's get stuffedl

(Chorus) He's the Boogie-Woogie Bagel Boy Watch him move...


You see? Just like a boy.

Can you feel how hard my heart is b*ating?

That's because by the end of this play, you'll have kissed me.

And when you kiss me, everything will change. Maxxie, I love you.

expl*si*n SCREAMING expl*si*n AND SCREAMING That's our cue.

PIANO PLAYS

Once I was a lonely banker All I cared for were margins and accounts I dreamed Of Dow Jones and the FTSE I didn't see my credit running out I passed you on the phone each morning I always gave a cheery smile But you You never even saw me You were far too busy all the while Then came the day Osama blew us away

(Chorus) Osama blew them away And now you know how I feel

(Chorus) Then came the day Osama blew us away Osama blew them away Then came the day Osama blew us away Osama blew them away Then came the day Osama blew us away Osama blew them...


(Maxxie) Nothing.

I felt... nothing.

You disgust me.

No! That's not how it goes! It's not! It's not!

You think you can f*ck my life up and I'll start fancying you?

Look at yourself.

Stay out of my life.

Now, that's an ending!

SHE SCREAMS

Must be the crazy blood in me Makes me feel like I do So mean and evil So low down and blue If you see me comin'

Better turn and look away If I get too close to you Better close your eyes Can't go on this way...


You look beautiful.

You always look beautiful to me.

... So mean and evil So low down And blue

Argh! f*ck!

Oh. Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Can I come in?

Uh...

Well, um...

Maxxie says you're a psycho.

He thinks I fancy him.

I don't. I fancy you.

I wanna have sex with you. But I can't do it from out here, can I?

sh*t, man! Biology revision, here I come!

I'm a virgin.

Oh. Congratulations.

You mind if I list the complete filmography of Hugh Grant since '92?

Slow things down.

Bitter Moon.

Remains Of The Day.

Sirens. Four Weddings.

An Awfully Big Adventure... that one was rubbish.

The Englishman Who Came...

Came Up A Hill...

And Went Down A Mountain.

Nine Months. Sense...

And Sensibil...

Restoration. Extreme Measures.

Ah... Notting Hill. Mickey Blue Eyes.

Small Time Crooks.

Bridget Jones! Ah!

Bridget... Jones!

Ah!

Oh!

Oh!

Ah...

I never get as far as About A Boy.
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