3x07 - JJ

[bunniefuu]

That girl's looking at you. Maybe she's looking at me.

She's not looking at you, JJ.

JJ gets locked on. You have to look after him.

Cook's his friend.

I think Cook's your friend, isn't he?

We're friends because you don't surf and turf my men. You said that.

He's not yours. He'll never belong to anyone.

Shut up.

He's not the one you want.

When I'm with you, I feel like I'm a better person and I feel happier... less alone.

Careful what you wish for, Pandora.

Why?

What's wrong?

Why don't you want to be friends with us?

Cook hasn't got any friends.

Don't say that!

Acknowledged.

Messerschmitt ME-262E...

A Curtis P40 Kittyhawk...

A Hawker Typhoon...

Night Fighter or Ground att*ck?

Ground att*ck.

A Focke Wulf 190...

Gloster Meteor...

Boulton Paul Defiant... and...

Mitsubishi Zero. I want that in Kamikaze spec.

What's happened, JJ? I sold you that one three weeks back.

Collateral damage, quite a lot of it. Rage incident, you know.

Another one?

'Fraid so.

You taking those pills they give you?

Of course. I'm the pill king.

Maybe they stopped working, yeah?

Impossible.

Olanzipine, Risperidone and Dextroamphetamine have unrivalled efficacy rates.

Well, something's up, ain't it?

I mean, deliberately destroying a Kamikaze spec Zero...

That's gotta tell you something.

Here, this'll cheer you up.

I got cruise missiles on special offer.

Intercontinental?

Yeah.

R62 Matador... the real deal.

Nobody fucks ya with one of these babies!

Dear.

Can you remember where I live?

Course I can.

Terry d*ed and you live with the other ladies now.

Oh, bugger!

I don't want to.

I'm telling you, I don't like it. I can't come here!

Don't be a silly bear. It'll be fine.

Really?

Really.

I'll come and check on you later on. Don't panic, yeah?

Next.

Eleven stone three.

Metric, if you wouldn't mind, JJ.

71.7 kilos.

Good, good.

Why do you always weigh me?

We weigh everyone.

Yes, but why?

You don't have to worry about that.

Well, I do.

You know what we say about worrying.

Just don't.

That's right, just don't.

Take a seat, lad.

So, how have we been?

It's complicated.

Yes, of course.

Got any new tricks for me?

I'm not doing magic any more.

Really?

Have you been taking your pills?

Yes. That's the thing, nobody likes magic, or there isn't a point, or maybe they just don't like me enough.

Who?

My friends.

Your friends don't like you?

I'm pretty sure of it.

And why is that?

Because if they liked me, maybe they'd listen to me occasionally instead of fighting all the time and hating each other.

I'm sure they don't hate you.

I didn't say they hated me.

They hate each other.

Well, there you go.

I've been getting locked on, breaking stuff, getting into rages.

Don't do that.

Right.

I'll give you some new little pills.

We can't get enough of them! Take them at breakfast and supper, OK?

Instead of what?

No, as well as, JJ. As well as.

Sitro Teasic Ulvaceous Neoprenes.

Amusing, isn't it?

Pretty effective blighters, sort everything out.

I think...

I think I want to be... normal, you know?

Yes, so take those twice a day.

No, I... That's not it.

Freddie smashed Cook and Cook stole his girl, and they're my best friends.

They don't sound like friends.

No, you don't...

They're my friends and they hate each other because of Effy, and... But we love each other, or at least...

You love a girl, that's normal.

That's not it.

I do love her, but...

But that's not it.

I'm feeling angry!

You're worrying.

Yes! I'm worrying and...

I'm worrying, and...

So just don't do that, OK?

What a surprise.

Emily, what are you...?

We don't say.

It's OK.

Yes. It's all right. It's just I don't expect...

I don't usually see people I know in here.

Why not?

Because normal people don't come here.

Right.

I've been having a bit of counselling.

Nice.

I asked them to help me to be a bit more honest with people, you know?

Anyway, they just gave me these.

Snap.

Must be good if they can help you calm down and be more honest.

It wasn't really what I was hoping for.

Do you need calming down?

Believe me, I totally do.

I'm getting overstimulated just talking to you now.

I mean, you're exciting me. Wait! That's not...

Bugger! Shitification!

It's all right, JJ.

It's hard telling people things about yourself, isn't it?

But I'm gonna try.

It's no big deal.

Probably couldn't care less.

About what?

I want to have sex with girls.

Right.

Yeah. I like girls.

I like sex with girls.

I like their rosy lips, their hard nipples, bums, soft thighs.

I like tits and fanny, you know?

There, I've said it and now...

f*cking hell.

Triculine, Rizzalin...

The veritable Stun, as of today.

That is a lot of dr*gs.

Dietary supplements... Ah, here's my vitamin C.

I do about twenty of these a day, cos they're nice and fizzy.

Go on. Try one.

You're supposed to dissolve them, but they've got a better kick this way.

Go on. Go!

All right.

I don't think you want to do that!

Holy sh*t!

I think you've got your hand on my tit.

I know. I mean... sh*t, sorry.

I've had a lovely time.

I've screwed this all up, haven't I?

Truth is... you're nice, JJ.

I'm unusual.

That's just code for "not normal".

I'd give anything to be normal for a whole day.

If you were normal, what would you do?

I'd lose my virginity first, several times.

Then have a Choccy Nut milk shake without going into shock.

Then I'd tell Freddie and Cook to stop fighting over Effy before they hate each other for ever, and not make me take sides.

And they'd listen to me for once and not f*cking ruffle my hair!

And then I'd tell Effy I loved her and lose my virginity a few more times.

You love Effy?

Did I say that out loud?

'Fraid so.

ret*rd!

I'm a ret*rd! Nut job! Bat case!

Spaso! Mong! Autistic f*cking fruitcake mental basket!

You're getting locked on!

Shitty Looney Tune. One Flew Over...

The f*cking Cuckoo's Nest!

Look at these!

That worked.

Last guy to see my tits wasn't quite as impressed.

I suppose I should be leaving.

You know, J, all those things you want, you don't ask for them.

Why don't you just ask?

Can I see your breasts again?

Let's start with the easy stuff, yeah?

So where do we start?

We?

I'm going to be normal.

Right.

Normal, normal.

Ring the bell, JJ.

What are you gonna say?

{\I'm }Gonna ask him to make up with Cook.

Gonna ask him to forget Effy, because she's not good for us.

Gonna ask him to stop ruffling my hair.

Don't let anything stop you.

Right.

Tell her.

Karen, if you don't mind, would you please not ruffle...

Hang on.

What are you doing here?

Do I know you?

f*cking hell!

I want to see Freddie and I want to see him now.

It's OK, Karen. I know which bedroom it is.

Yeah, but this is going to be good.

It's uncanny.

What...?

He's definitely in there.

I'm just a bit busy at the minute, J. Sorry.

We'll do this another time, then.

For Pete's sake. Get out of the way!

Now, does everybody know each other?

That's great. Brilliant, Karen.

For Christ's sake, what are you doing?

I'm doing the Great f*cking Northern Run, what does it look like?

Guys, could we please just...?

Why didn't you tell me?

I'm sorry.

Maybe my postal application hasn't reached you yet.

Now, do you mind? We're sort of in the middle of something.

That's not right. You want Eff and she's not...

It's a free country, JJ. Maybe my weirdo sister's up for it.

That's ridiculous, Emily's gay. I wanted to talk to you.

We can do this another time and...

Quality!

That's not true.

Is it Ems?

Because you promised me that wasn't true.

Shed.

So what did you want to tell me, J?

Has she gone yet?

None of your business!

Right arse you made of it.

I want...

I want things to change.

Things have changed.

They change all the time.

Doesn't it matter what I think?

Because I think it should matter more, you know.

So?

We're supposed to be friends.

For ever.

I can't do it, J.

Just because of a girl. You don't even want Effy.

Don't tell me what I want!

Then tell me what to do.

You've gotta choose, mate.

Either me or Cook.

And what about me?

Don't I count?

I'm not the one who's telling fibs.

Let it alone, J.

I'm... the normal one.

Mum...

Gay J, man. Where you been?

Doing stuff.

Been days, J-Lo. What's going on?

Like I said. Stuff and... stuff.

Well...

You did that nutty professor thing today, yeah?

My assessment. You remembered?

JJ, am I your bestest or what?

Anyway, you're coming to Thomas's shindig tonight at the Roxie?

Non-negotiable. He's putting a band on an' all, it'll be sweet as!

Can I ask you something?

Ask me later J-Lo.

I got business to attend to. Keep taking them mad pills, and I'll see you later.

I love that barmy fucker.

"Everyone's gotta have a mate who's a twat and who's not gonna try and finger your p*ssy candy.

Like you, babes.

You getting it?

You there?

How about here?

Like that. Grab my balls...

Just f*cking like that.

Guys...

I'm not gay. I'm not anything, OK?

f*ck off!

How come he gets a lolly?

Yeah, that's gay.

Totally gay!

He's so gay. That's...

Anyone home?

What the f*ck!

What the f*ck?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry!

Give me my T-shirt, f*cking hopeless perv.

I'm sorry. The door was open.

I got worried.

About what?

I dunno. I thought you might have... I dunno, OK?

I was pissed at the two of you.

Two of who?

I heard what you were saying. I want you to stop doing that.

What the f*ck?

You and Cook.

I haven't seen him for days.

Don't dis me while you're having sexual intercourse, because you might think it's funny but I...

Sorry?

Are you going to give me some f*cked up hint what you're talking about?

I usually drink mango juice when I get over stressed.

So?

I think it must be these new pills they've given me.

Vivid dreams. It's a side effect.

Cool. Let's do a couple now.

Get off our faces.

It does other stuff, too.

Like?

Calms you... makes you tell the truth, allegedly.

What's wrong with that?

Dunno... dunno.

Come on, JJ. Don't be pathetic.

It's easy. Just tell me something true.

Tell me.

Tell me now!

I love you.

Everybody loves me.

That's a relief.

With the possible exception of darling Ma and Da.

They don't love me so good.

Why's that?

Cos I won't let them f*ck up their lives in peace.

So I'm being a total bitch to both of them.

What did they...

She f*cked his boss and he behaved like a complete dildo as usual.

Sounds bad.

It's well bad, JJ.

I'm officially off the rails.

You should try it.

I can't go off the rails. My Mum... she needs me to be OK.

I have to be OK.

Is that why you take all the pills?

Pretty much.

Please leave them alone, Effy.

Who?

I don't mean to be rude but Cook, Freddie and me, they're the only friends I've ever had and... you've basically ruined everything and I'd like you to stop now.

I can't do that, J.

Why not?

Thanks for loving me.

No problem.

I'd like to be your friend.

Nice, babes.

Nice.

Cookie, stop it. I gotta go...

I'm going.

I'm coming and coming!

Mac J, the Lord High Chieftain of J.

Winding up for a big one tonight?

Dunno, Cook. I don't know.

Course you are.

Me and you, J, tonight, we're setting course for the heart of the f*cking sun.

You just arrived?

Did you... you see anyone on the way out?

I just arrived.

Cool.

You missed my tip top, rumpy pumpy, bangs like a rabbit, secret lover.

Really?

Don't you want to know who she is?

Who is it?

I'm not telling you, man. Even the Cookie monster knows when it's time for schtum, Otherwise the sh*t's gonna dismantle the fan.

But she can't f*cking help herself{\though, man}, I'm telling you.

If it's wrong, why are you doing it?

Because it's life, J. You gotta get in there and never f*cking stop.

sh*t's waiting to be done.

If you're not gonna do it you're a pathetic p*ssy fart.

What would be so bad about stopping?

What about other people?

f*ck other people, J.

f*ck 'em! Let's blow.

The thing is... you didn't answer my question.

What would happen if you stopped?

Look at me.

What else have I got?

Please make up with Freddie.

It doesn't work. It just...

Freddie can f*ck himself.

He was asking for it, yeah?

What was he asking for?

He's pissed cos I've got something he wants.

You don't care, leave her alone.

{\It's not like }You're going out with her or anything.

She likes it mindless.

So do I. Sorted.

Now, are you coming or do I have to keep look out myself when I'm buying gear?

Just care. OK?

About what?

About me!

About me, you twat!

You're all f*cking twats!

Here...

Here...

I pissing love you, J.

Nothing's gonna change that, man.

You're my very own little fruit bat.

f*ck Freddie.

It's just me and you now.

Feel the love.

You feeling it?

Right.

Now, let's walk.

I want to get mentalled.

We've got pharmaceuticals to purchase.

Eight for one f*cking pill? I'll pay you £8 for three!

I don't give a sh*t. It's £8 a pill.

What pills are they you charge me £8 for?

If you don't want the pills, then don't come to me...

It's not about the f*cking money...

It's £8 for maybe three or four...

You don't want the pills, you can f*ck off!

Police... stop! You're under arrest!

Come back!

sh*t, I thought it was getting dodgy down there.

But you still went?

I needed to get stuff.

No f*cking gear in this town. sh*t.

Manage without?

That'll be no kind of night out now, will it, J?

I need to get something.

I can do without.

I don't need spliff or pills...

All right. All right!

And by the way, that's so f*cking not true.

I don't drink, I don't do weed, I don't do class A...

You're pilled up every day.

Nothing fancy about you, so don't f*cking come it.

All right.

You can have some of mine.

Mad pills?

You wanna get mad, right?

Stun?

What do they do?

A lot.

You need to take two or three.

Go on then.

I've already taken mine.

There you go.

Or possibly you're p*ssy.

p*ssy.

Let the party commence.

D'you mind?

Stupid bitch!

You OK?

No Cook?

Why would there be a Cook?

You're seeing him, aren't you?

I'm f*cking him occasionally. I'm not seeing him.

There's a distinction?

No Emily?

Truth.

That obvious?

Don't have to be a genius to work it out.

So?

So I'm straight.

Sure?

If I said no, would I regret it?

Probably. But not because of me.

We're objects of lust.

Making you feel good?

Not really.

I suggest we go in here and get so monumentally f*cked up, we forget all about...

My god. That's f*cked up.

You love him?

No You love The Lips.

Oh, my god. Go on, lie to me.

I want to see this.

Here, come!

You don't pay. Friends don't pay!

Isn't this great? I've sold a load of tickets.

Here, come! Come!

Welcome, welcome mes amis! Club Thomas is pleased to receive you!

All right?

Aren't you gonna be bitchy to me, Katie?

Yeah, sure.

Give me time.

Listen, everyone, everything is great, totally super great.

More friends!

Wait until you see this place. You will not believe it.

And the band are formidable!

Everyone is together, Panda is coming, and Emily's already here.

Where?

f*ck you.

You f*ck off!

What the f*ck's he on?

How many, JJ?

How many?

Four... Then another two.

You twat! What does this stuff do?

Calms you down... and stuff.

Right. You see that?

You stupid f*cking idiot!

And what the f*ck were you doing?

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry. He pissed me off.

How?

It doesn't matter. Just say he's gonna be all right.

He's gonna be all right. He's always f*cking all right, aren't you, Cook?

Aren't you?

Don't.

Top pills, man.

I knew you'd come for me, Three Musketeers.

f*ck off, Cook.

Freddie, she loves you, you know.

What?

She loves you.

But she can't stand it. Can't stand the love, so she fucks me instead.

What's he saying?

What?

sh*t.

I think you're gonna get the truth.

Cook?

I'm pissed off, yeah?

She's taking the piss and it's hurting me.

Cos Cook needs the love too.

Cookie's got nothing.

Everything all right, guys?

Cookie's always got nothing.

That's why I do her pal.

That's why I pop Panda.

Panda's popped.

It's always the same great tits Panda, great tits Effy.

That's all I get cos I'm sh*t.

I'm pure sh*t.

Back off.

He does not deserve friends!

Yeah.

He's a c**t.

Move! Move!

You've had a busy day, haven't you, J?

I'm sorry.

I got locked on.

You all pissed me off.

Does this mean I can't come to the shed anymore?

Course not, you can still come to the shed.

Just give me some space, OK?

I need time to think.

What's going on? Someone said he...

It's yours, I think.

How are you doing?

Here.

There you go.

According to the diagnosis, I'm liable to social dysfunction.

They shouldn't let me out really.

It's OK, JJ.

You did me a favour.

I did?

Katie loves me.

I know she does.

Yes, definitely.

Did you do it?

Did you ask for stuff?

I did a fair bit of... asking.

And how did it go?

I'd say bad on the face of it.

But in another sense, you might say it's too early to say.

Too early to say.

I don't want to go home tonight.

Katie's too...

Locked on.

She's locked on.

I don't want to go home.

I can't.

Right.

So let's think.

Please tell me somebody makes you wear those pyjamas.

I just like them.

They're 100% Egyptian cotton, which is good cos rayon derivatives and other man-made fibres can interfere with...

If we're going to be my friends, you can't wear teddy bears any more.

Get them off.

Right. You got it.

No teddies.

I've got some others with World w*r One Fighter planes on.

I'm asking for something, JJ.

Yup and I'm saying yes.

But possibly a phased approach might be more...

Take them off.

Don't be silly.

Take them off now, JJ, and get in here.

This is a once only charity event, you understand.

Got you. Because you're gay.

I'm gay.

Get on with it.

In you pop.

I'm lots of things, JJ, and I really like you.

So this is between friends, yeah?

Between friends.

And I can be quite cute.

You can.

Mum, this is Emily.

A friend of mine.

Would you like some tea?

Yeah, please. Thanks.

So how was it last night?

Beware the moon.