1x02 - (US) Tea

[bunniefuu]

You're gonna like this.

I'm gonna do it with Michelle?

Who is dumb enough to jump Stanley?

You're gonna dope me into outer space and bang my brains out.

Hey, you ever told those sweet girls that you worship at the coochy shrine.

Maybe, gotta go; big finish.

You owe me 900 even.

If you wanna do it now, you'll have to be quick is all.

I took a busload of pills.

Tony, step it up!

I reckon that could have gone a lot worse. What do you say?

The weed! The weed is gone!

Northern Soul.

Hey, Stan, can I buy some weed?
No.

Can I buy some, Stan?
No.

No!

Then ride him out of town! Ah! Come on Stan!

You know, it's kind of embarrassing to look at.

Don't tell anybody, though, it's like this thing.

I'm gonna be waiting for you!

Tea!

♪ Things falling from every side like a landslide
♪ I get smothered in sadness if it doesn't fall by
♪ Save me
♪ Don't you let me get caught up in this landslide
♪ No, no
♪ Landslide
♪ No, no, no, no, no
♪ Happiness quit me
♪ And hurt just hit me like a landslide
♪ Got no shelter, no place to hide
♪ From this landslide
♪ I get smothered in sadness if it doesn't fall
♪ Baby, baby, save me
♪ Don't you let me get caught up in this landslide
♪ Oh, no, no, no, no
♪ Misery's rushing down on me
♪ Like a landslide
♪ Got no shelter, no place to hide
♪ From this landslide
♪ I get smothered in sadness if it doesn't fall
♪ Baby, baby, save me
♪ Don't you let me get caught in this landslide
♪ No, no
♪ Landslide
♪ No, no, no, no, no
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
♪ Landslide
♪ No, no, no, no, no
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
♪ No, no, no, no, no
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
♪ No, no, no
♪ Come on and save me from this landslide Jesus, how many people live here?
Just my folks.
Want to meet them?

You're kidding, right?

Hey, Dad.

Hey.

You look tired, kid. What's going on?

Betty came over last night to help with my assignment.

We got talking, and she likes to chew things over.

Huh.

Well, you came to the right place.

You got school though, huh?

Yeah, Dad.
You can't be screwing around that late.

Screwing?

I mean, yes.

Yeah. School matters.

Got to pay attention to that.

Okay, Dad.

Betty, right?

Yes.

You Danny Nardone's kid?

Yes.

How about that.

I have to get going.

Ruthie. Ruthie.

Hey, Ruthie.
Is that you, Marco?

Look who I got here. It's Danny's kid.
What was it?

Betty. Nixon didn't know how to...

Betty Nardone?

She stayed over last night. You didn't even realize.

Tell her from me that she's one supersized McBitch.

Turn me over! Turn me over!

The last time I saw you was Ronaldo's christening.

I don't remember.

I feel like talking about it, shithead.

Do you remember little Betty? She was like this and now she's like this. Aren't you the tomboy...

Get out from under the table!

Tea, she needs a lot of work because she's very lazy.

I am not lazy.

Honey, you're lazy.

All right, we gotta go.

Hey!
Hey, back off, bitch!

I think she's a bitch too. They're all b*tches.

Hey! Don't use the B word in front of your grandmother.

Go get the door.

They're all hos!

Nobody could take their eyes off Kennedy's smile.

Hey, it's the lesbian!
Yo, man, I gotta go.

I got a lesbian at the door.

You have got to talk to him, Marco, okay?

We do not use that word here.

Which one?

The L word.

It upsets Grandma. You know that.

Hi.

No more tricky dicky for a long, long time.

Oh, can I get anyone some coffee?

Dais', it's a joke.

You gonna tell them I'm not a lesbian anytime soon?

Well, I did. They just don't believe it.

Great.

Check these puppies. Does that read "d*ke" to you?

Um...

You know Betty. She's in my history group.

You have fun in history grope?

Group. Sorry.

Why is she here?

She's my friend. We go to school together.

Okay, so look. I don't want...

You got to not tell anyone about...

Just don't.

You might want to work up an explanation for those hickies, though.

sh*t! Bobby's going to...

sh*t.

I'll see you.

Sure.

Don't. Christ sakes.

Scaredy-cat.

Good night?

Eh. It was all right.

Lot of licking.

Too much information, Te'.

Hey, kid.

Dad, I told you it's not cool to wear you underwear in the neighborhood.

What do I care? Let them look.

Listen, you remember that thing that I asked?

Sure. You just go on a little date.

You go bowling with the boy, you make nice, right?

No problem.

You don't have to do any funny business.

Dad, it's fine.

Yeah? Yeah.

Thanks, kid.

And listen, we don't mention this inside, okay?

It's done.
Don't worry about it.

I got a great kid. She loves her family.

She's very open-minded.

Right.

Open-minded?
Very.

So are you up for breakfast or did you eat enough last night?

You know I did.

It's no biggie, my dad's friends are just kind of important.

How important?

Oh, you know, they're into family.

People know people, and once in a while it's good for my dad if I date someone who knows someone.

People know people?
Oh, my God!

Tea's doing Cosa Nostra blind date.

You always exaggerate.

I come to you and I ask you this favor to accept this daughter.

Ow. Ow!

Out of respect for the family.

For the family.

So you're going on a date with a boy.

We're going bowling. What's not to like?

Nothing.

Hi, Cadie.

Oh.

♪ I'm not gonna
♪ Let you...
You're Tony. Yes. Tony.

Cool. I remember you now. Oh, that's great, Cadie.

Yeah, I got some new meds. They help with that.

Oh, remembering?
Huh?

The meds.
Whose?

Right.

You remember Stan though, right?

Sure I do.

He's got a lot of dr*gs.

Oh, well, no, actually he hasn't.

No?
No, but that's not the issue.

You see, Stanley was wondering, and he knows it's a big deal, if you could kind of say that you two have been... making monkey since the party the other night.

We're making monkey?
That's right.

See, um, Stan's kind of embarrassed about the whole virgin thing.

It would be really sweet.

It would help him ease a lot of the social pressure.

He could look happier now that we're banging each other.

He'll work on it.

Okay. Because it's sweet and I like that.

Well, that's great news, Cadie.

I'm going to go tell him that.

Hey, Stanley.

Hey.

What are you buggin', dude? Nothing.

Just Tony's here, you know?

Hey, guys.

Te', it's great to see you.

Yeah?

Stan, what is that crap on your face?

Chocolate.

Not a good look for you.

At all.

That's screwed.

He's getting wiped. He's used to it.

Tea, I think there's a matter of debts unpaid.

Oh, yeah?

Stay still.

I think you agreed to expose your breasts at halftime on Friday night's game if Stan here popped his cherry.

Huh?

Yup. Stanley has entered a new era.

And Cadie, as it happens.

Cadie?

You did it with Cadie?

Cadie, Stan!
Yes.

How many times, dude?

Four fingers... Times.

Yup. Tea, after the second quarter, I think you may have to make like Janet Jackson.

A deal's a deal, Te'. That's true.

A deal is a deal.
Can it, perverts.

You guys are pathetic.

That was pretty pathetic. Yup, we're pathetic.

Hi.

Hey, 'Chelle.

Hey, guys.

Tongues.

Always.
Whoo.

So what's happening?

Te' here was just keeping us abreast on some new developments in her life.

"Breast."
What's for lunch, Ton?

I think it's chicken or breast.

Breast.

It's a great word, isn't it?

I love the breast too.

I can't get enough jokes.

Breasties are the bestest.

Whoa, yeah.
Yup. I got it.

I got it under control. Okay.

Okay, uh, ahem, howdy there, River Mountains Juniors.

And welcome to "River Mountains Says Enough", designed to help you avoid bad stuff.

Right? Can I get a comeback?

Okay.

Now back home in Canada, we've pretty much got avoiding nailed.

And that is why Principal Turner has asked me to bring some of that wisdom on down to y'all, because, yup, there is a lot of bad stuff out there.

Somebody hit me up with an example.

What should we be avoiding?

French.

Uh, no.

I don't think you're getting it, Chris.

Okay. French is okay.

In fact, it can be real tres incroyable if you just go about it in the right way. No.

We are talking serious shenanigans here, all right?

Like dr*gs, alcohol, saying bad stuff, wrongful sex acts, tattoos, piercings below the waist area.

Real bad stuff that we got to avoid.

Now, how do we do it?
Right here.

We listen.

We listen to folks who have learned some hard lessons.

Come on out, guys.

Ooh, what a freak.
Yes, sir.

Wow. The real deal.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, you see, now these...

These heroic fellows right here, they are going to tell it like it is.

And by golly, if it does not shock you to your core.

Who do we have first?

What's your name, brother?

Maddison Mao Le Dong, PHD.

And what have you been successfully avoiding, Dr. Le Dong?

v*olence.

Things I've done to dudes that have wronged me.

Oh, yeah.

It's bad.

When someone, maybe, he takes something from me without paying, you know?

And the redness comes down.

It's all the redness.

Oh, yeah?
I struggle, you know?

I struggle.

The redness?!
I owe him $900, and he has the redness?!

Okay, maybe another... Stan, wake up.

Come on, Stan.

For crying out loud!

Ah!

You didn't have to hit me as well.

No, I really did, all right?

Now pull it together.

Maybe you guys can band together and get the money for the dr*gs, right?

I got Math right now.

We're working on it, okay?
Don't worry.

Let's go.
Okay, guys.

Take it easy.

Bye, Stan.

Oh, my God.

I'm a dead man.

Jesus, Ton, you really dumped him in it, you know that?

Hey, it's not my fault that kid can't pull down a simple drug deal.

Right, 'Chelle?
I don't know, Tony.

That guy looked really heavy.
Yeah.

So he knows where Stan goes to school. Big deal.

All right, how's he going to find him?

He's just a dumbass drug dealer, scrambled in the brain like they all are.

All Stan's got to do is lie low.

Few days, this goes away.

Right?
Easy.

He better be right.

It's Tony. He's always right.

It's kind of annoying.

Yeah, I can see that.

See you around.

Real life sucks.

Hey.
Oh.

I was thinking... Betty.

We had sex.

But I'm not really looking for anything else.

Why not?

Someone mention a boyfriend?

What's that for? Show?

I have to have a boyfriend.

Sounds like pretending to me.

And that's bad stuff we have to avoid.

And I don't want a relationship.

Why not?

Because nobody matches up to me.

You're just an arrogant bitch, really, aren't you?

Sorry.

Scaredy-cat.

Your loss.

Clinton was smiling like he was lost in a whorehouse.

But he sure stopped smiling when his wife found out.

Come on.

Get off the phone.

I love you. I love you.

Now, go. Go.

Lose the phone.

If I can just say one thing.

Mom.

For Christ's sakes!

Tea, what's up?

Clinton made you feel like there was still some...

Oh, sh*t!
Yeah, that was my water!

Yeah, that was my water!
Okay!

Yeah, that was my water!

Oh, sh*t!

What the hell is that?!

Grab some towels.

Your vag*na will never be the same.

Clinton could get out the vote like he could get a pageant queen out of her underwear.

What's the difference in Arkansas?

It's a skill.

Mazel tov.

They don't know.

How is that?

For you, Audrey, I'd come back for more.

Nana?

Wrong room again, Nana.

Wrong room.

I don't want you marrying that man, Ruthie.

Huh?

Mom isn't...

Italians.

All they just want to do is get laid.

He'll never leave you alone.

Something's wrong with me, Nana.

I want the sex.

But the girls I sleep with bore me.

They're catty, clingy.

I don't know.

It never feels enough.

Is it too much to ask for someone to be interesting?

I just want to feel equal.

Too much?

You okay, Dad?

Yeah, sure I am, kid.

I'm just worried about Maria, just lying still in that hospital for 3 weeks.

It's not easy.

Then why does she do it?

What?

Have kids on her own.

She not on her own.
She's got us.

Don't you mind?

The guy ran out.
It is what it is.

Means you have to work 2 jobs.

I like to work.

You sure you're all right with this?

Yeah, Dad.

Somebody wants it. Who does it hurt?

Who does it hurt?

You going to make a bet?

Hey, Marco.
Hey.

You brought this beautiful girl to see me.

Let me see her.

Hi, Mr. Di Santo.

Look at you, huh?
Sweet like a...?

Like an apple.
Like an apple.

Look at you. When did you grow so rosy, huh?

Didn't I notice?

How about a beverage, Enzo?

Hey, get the guy some more beer.

Fetch the calamari, would you, Marco?

Sure, Enzo.

Did, uh, the kid get here yet?

Yeah. He's in the back.

Go. Go sit in there.

Two little lovebirds, huh?

Except he brought his chaperone.

Kid's got to grow some balls.

You know, you should just shut up.

Oh, what the...?

I can't believe this.

Did you?

My dad told me to go on a date, and he never said with who.

Your dad's Italian?

He's construction union.

I don't know.

Somebody needs a connection.

See this?

We're working for the Mob. You think that's funny?

Yeah, I think it's kind of cool that your dad's a made guy.

My dad's not a...

He's got family stuff he has to take care of every once in a while, okay?

Okay, okay. Stay in your bra, kid.

What's she for?

She's my excuse.

In case you're a dog.

She doesn't say much.

No.

No, Eura has communication issues.

We get around them, though.

How?
Here.

You're not a dog.
No.

Michelle know you're here?

Michelle?
This a paid gig.

Why would Michelle care?

Can I buy you a drink? You got it, wise guy.

♪ At the gentle age of 9
♪ I bought my first
♪ And then I drink a drink Wait, wait.
Ah. Oh, I'm going to puke.

Just face out. Centrifugal force.

Oh, no.

Oh, man.

You really don't give a sh*t, do you?

I really don't.

Oh.

Why Michelle?

Hm?

You heard.

She's hot.

No, she's the hottest.

And the cleverest.

And her nipples make me laugh. So she's mine. Ha.

That's how you see it, huh?
That's how I see it.

We get along.

It doesn't bore you?

Your turn.
What?

Tell me something, Missy Muff.

Tell me something about yourself.

You want to know what we do, right?

What goes where, who licks what?

So tedious.

I screw girls.

So what?

And only the hottest, by the way.

Listen, I know you like to pluck the lady harp.

That's boring.

You're mysterious.

I'm what?

You hold back.

Nobody gets in. It's mysterious.

My dad threw his life away to be with my mom.

Didn't care that his family disowned him.

Maybe he never wanted that world. I don't know.

And he loves her.

I can't imagine feeling that way about anyone.

Maybe I got a screw missing.

Maybe it just needs tightening.

You're funny.

Yeah? You're funny too.

I know, but you're funny.

We're both funny.

I guess.

You think you've got it all, don't you.

Huh?

But I can match you.

You met your match.

Whoa.

So this is it, huh?

Snatch City.

So, what are we here for?

Hey.

Boy, you lesbians sure got style.

Shut up.

♪ Let's wade in the water
♪ Wade in the water
♪ Listen to me, now
♪ Wade in the water
♪ I wanna know that you're mine
♪ Because your love is so fine
♪ Come on, let's wade in the water
♪ I said wade in the water
♪ Listen to me, now
♪ Wade in the water
♪ I wanna know that you're mine
♪ Because your love is so fine
♪ You know, baby, that you got me uptight
♪ Because your brand of loving feels so right
♪ I'm like a ship in the stormy sea
♪ So wade in the water, daddy, and rescue me
♪ know you got me sailing from midnight to dawn
♪ You even got me drifting all night long
♪ But you are the best fish that I have found
♪ So wade in the water, daddy, don't let me down
♪ I mean, wade
♪ Come on and wade
♪ I said wade in the water
♪ I wanna know that you're mine because your love is so fine
♪ You lure me your line and now I'm your bait
♪ You got me hook, line and sinker
♪ Let the other fish wait
♪ me fin-flapping mama, I'm leaping to float
♪ So hold on, captain, you're rocking my boa
♪ I need your loving power
♪ It's really out of sight
♪ Come on, wade in the water
♪ Where everything's right
♪ Don't let our love sink
♪ Let it float like a tree
♪ Our love can be as great as the deep blue sea
♪ Folks don't understand what we got going
♪ Don't let them make waves, come on
♪ Left the stream flowing
♪ I need a big ship
♪ I wanna wade in the water
♪ and be closer to you What? Oh.
That was...

Awful. Terrible.

It was terrible.

I don't know. Normal girls like it.

They must be really stupid.

Sometimes.

Excuse me, miss?

What?

I wonder if you can help me out here?

Don't think so.

Oh, but you must.

I've been waiting a long time just to say hi.

And all I want to know is where I can find that stupid blonde kid.

And why should I tell you that?

Because he owes me.

And if you don't tell me, you're going to owe me too.

What are you going to do?

Red me to death.

You're a funny little d*ke.

Ain't that just the thing.

Hey, Te'.

It's kind of late.

I guess you better run up to bed, huh?

I think, uh...

I think we could probably term it a misunderstanding.

I don't want to talk about it, Dad.

Tomorrow.

Okay.

Get some sleep.

Leave me alone.

Nana?

Hm?

Can I sleep with you tonight?

Did you get scared?

Yes.

President Eisenhower let me down.

Some kind of w*r hero.

He can kiss my ass.

He can kiss my ass too, Nana.

I thought nobody knew I had a lover.

I told her, "This is a free country.

"No one can hurt you now.

We got no ghettos here, Martha."

Eisenhower should have helped us.

He should have put a stop to it.

But it was on the radio every day.

About the bad people.

Traitors, queers.

I guess they thought between us and the communists, we were going to tear the place down.

They even gave us a name so everybody knew what to hate.

Lavender.

I told her,"It's a sweet flower.

How can a flower hurt anyone?"

But people visited.

They said that wasn't the way Jewish people behaved.

And Martha got so scared that they knew we loved each other.

I heard she married a farmer in Wisconsin.

Everybody's most particular there.

Shame on you, Mr. President.

Shame on you.

I love you, Nana.

I know you do, Ruthie.

Again.

Hey, Tony.
What's up?

♪ I try so hard
♪ I knew you'd know
♪ Don't forget me now
♪ Close my eyes Hey.
Hey. What's up?

Bit tired.

You're not going to go see Tony?

Let him wait.

How was your date?

It was, um...

It was good.

Some kind of hot Italian?

Oh, you know, just some guy.

Did he try to...?

Yeah.

But you explained, right?

You don't like boys.

Still it's nice to be jumped like that sometimes.

It's been a while since Tony put out like that.

Yeah?

I got to work at it.

Feels like work.

Bummer.

Tea?

Oh. Hi, Betty.

Put my truth on you, okay?

See you around.

Bye, Bobby.

Compulsive.

I like that in a woman.

Hey, guys.

How don't you all go screw yourselves in the ass.

Looks like you want to, the way you're all touching each other and everything.

Hey, Dad.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to ask you something.

Okay.

Is this the guy that called you that name?

The name? Yeah.

He called...

He called you a kike, didn't he?

Um...

Actually, Dad, he called me...

Because that's not going to fly, my friend.

Kike. That's an epithet, right there.

Can I actually say something...?

No.

See, this is my daughter, and she's precious to me, and she is not available to have names put on her.

You use names? You can speak to me, scumbag.

Dad!

Please.

No.

You're a good person.

You should be proud of that, kid.

I love you, Dad.

See you later, huh?

It's his lucky day.

He gets a scare and then he leaves town.

Maybe we should leave town via the lake?

Hi.

Hi.

Isn't going to fly, Ton.

I matched you.

I matched you good.

Gotta go.

♪ Let's wade in the water
♪ Wade in the water
♪ Listen to me, now
♪ Wade in the water
♪ I wanna know that you're mine
♪ Because your love is so fine