1x03 - (US) Chris

[bunniefuu]

The monkey man is here!

Who is dumb enough to jump Stanley?

You're going to dope me into outer space and bang my brains out.

I think you agreed to expose your breasts if Stan here popped his cherry.

That's true. A deal's a deal. Can it, perverts.

Is this the guy?

Maybe we should leave town via the lake?

Are you tired of being ashamed of your flabby gut and saggy butt?

Sick of back fat and bingo arms but just too lazy to do anything about it?

And who wants to diet anyways, right?

Well, now you can have it all with the new Pump n' Snatch, the world's most revolutionary workout device.

Spread your legs wide and pump.

Mom?

Twenty, 40, 60, 80.

How much is there?

She left you a G.

I'd put it in premium bonds.

It's low risk, steady return and tax free.

What? I've been investing my birthday money since I was 7.

What's the big deal?

You sure you didn't just forget?

Forget what?

I don't know, man.

It says she's gone for a few days.

Is it true?

Oh, yeah. Come to Daddy.

♪ Abbud makes the money, G ♪
♪ While these b*tches be horny, see? ♪
♪ Paper, paper flow while these biddies glow ♪
♪ Abbud makes the money, G ♪
♪ While these b*tches be horny, see ♪
♪ Abbud gets the money, G ♪
♪ While these babies be horny, see ♪
♪ I'm k*ller with the money ♪
♪ While these biddies want the honey ♪

♪ I make the money, G ♪

♪ While these biddies be horny, see ♪

♪ Woo, I'm gangster, I'm k*ller with the money ♪.
Cheer up, idiot.

You're home alone and you have an important question to ask yourself: how are you going to spend all that money?

Woo!

So he's had an erection for, like, 15 hours?

Yeah, he doesn't even know how many boner pills he's dropped.

He's holding it down with duct tape.

Duct tape?

Yeah. I don't know.

He's taped it to his stomach or his balls, to something.

It's messed up, dude.

Woo!

What's good?

Woo!

So, I guess it hasn't held then, huh?

It must be the sweat.

Ugh, why am I visualizing this right now?

Hey, um, do you want to dance?

'Budda boy, I don't dance with dudes.

Come on, man. Make exceptions.

Tea, can I get a minute?

Sorry.

Abbud here wants to get jiggy.

You know it's right.

I'm not going to lie to you.

I am in love with somebody else.

It wouldn't make sense that I love you.

We just met each other, you know?

We don't know each other at all. This is crazy.

I have this physical need thing and I was hoping you do too.

Nice. You got the magic touch with the ladies.

Dude, watch out.

Dude, I thought you were boning her.

Did you already forget?

Oh, yeah, man. Yeah. We're boning, yeah.

I bone her all the time.

Me and Cadie, you know? Non-stop boning.

Non-stop boning.

Hey.

Man, Stan's girl is weird.

She, like, lets him screw around.

Yeah?

Also, who are these people?

I almost got shanked in the bathroom.

Yeah, man, I know.

I'd say I know about maybe, like, 20% of the people here.

Actually, dude, maybe more like 10%.

Did you know that 53% of all statistics are made up on the spot?

Dude, 83% of people know that.

I see you invited your Social Sciences teacher to aid this interaction.

Tina's here? Where?

♪ You are the morning ♪.
What's up? You want to dance?

What the hell's going on here? Where's your mother?

You said she wanted me here for dinner to discuss your progress.

Um...

Look, there's no parent/teacher conference.

Just you and me. Are you pissed?

What? Chris...

Look, I don't think you get it, okay? I'm not...

Look, you don't understand, okay? I can't...

I just...

You mean you just...

I just wanted you to come.

Chris.

Look, I think that dancing is, like, the best thing in the world, right?

Because it makes you healthy in your body, it also makes your mind better too.

And I know that you're sad sometimes.

And I hate that.

Look, will you just stay, dance?

Please?

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Okay.

♪ You will miss me ♪.
Uh, I can't do this.

What?

No. No, no, no, no.

No, no, Tina!

Tina, look. Look. I dropped a couple Erectagras.

By mistake.

And it's been like that all day.

It's just... It's kind of like a second leg.

I mean, third leg. Tina!

I think she's seriously crazy leaving a grand on her counter like that.

She smiled too much and everything, but she was okay.

I swear Chris gives them speed.

They move faster than normal fish.

I don't know what it'd be like, having a son like Chris.

He's fine.

He can be a real sweetheart sometimes.

Tony?

Yeah, one sec.

You know what I love about your body?

No.

One boob is bigger than the other.

Stanley.

Oh, my God.

Sorry. I was just, uh, looking for a T-shirt.

It's just Chris said I could borrow one because someone puked on me.

Oh, I'll get you one.

Thanks, I'll just wait outside. Christ.

Stanley.

What do you like Stan, small or medium?

What do you think of my tits?

Do you think one's bigger than the other?

Which one do you prefer?

I mean, my eyes are kind of blurring, 'Chelle.

I could have an infection or something, you know.

Here you go.

This'll look nice on you.

Thanks.

They're, uh... They're nice, Michelle.

Sorry.

That was awesome. Shut up.

You know what, Tony?

Your eyes are supposed to blur, too.

♪ Just leave me undesirable ♪
♪ Just leave me undesirable ♪
♪ Just leave me undesirable ♪
♪ Just leave me undesirable ♪
♪ Leave me undesirable ♪
♪ Just leave me undesirable ♪.
You okay, Chris?

Yeah, you know how I do. Is the crew asleep?

Yeah. I can never sleep in other people's houses, though.

I got pills.

A lot of pills, you know?

You want me to walk you home?

Where's your mom, Chris?

No idea, man.

What was I supposed to say?

"Yeah, I like your tits. They're very nice, symmetrical."

I mean, what's the right word, even?

"Nice" is okay.

Think she'll be mad?

She'll be pissed at me?

It's just, you know, just took me by surprise.

I never thought I was ever going to see them.

Stanley, your hard-on is digging into my back.

Sorry.

Stanley? Yeah?

How long are we going to keep pretending we're having sex?

Oh, uh, I don't know.

I guess we can stop now.

It was only for the bet.

Tea's tits.

We could stop pretending.

Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

I mean, why would Tony want to see Tea's tits anyway?

You know what, Cadie?

What, Stanley?

Maybe I should've just said Michelle's tits were perfect.

Do you think that's what she wanted to hear?

I don't know, Stanley.

One-twenty, 121, 122, 123.

Don't worry, man. I've got change.

Twenty-three fifty.

One twenty-four.

Six, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Uh, how much am I missing?

$15.

You know what? My mom keeps money upstairs.

I'm just going to go get it. One second, all right?

What'd you do, Mom?

♪ Cause enough to come ♪
♪ Wherever ♪
♪ The day will run sundown ♪
♪ Do you understand ♪
♪ Before you pack up and fly? ♪.
So when's Tea's big gazonga flashing show going to happen anyway?

Oh, man, I don't know.

She was supposed to do it during last week's game and she "pussied" out.

I've been lying about having sex with Cadie for 2 weeks now, just so you get your lesbian ta-ta flash.

Now you don't even want it?

Stanley, you just had sex for the first time, all right?

You're no longer a pathetic little dork.

This should be a happy time in your life.

Yeah, except I didn't have sex.

That's a detail.

What's good?

You, uh, all right, Chris?

Yeah.

What were you doing in the closet?

It's not a closet. It's a wardrobe.

I was just, um, checking what stuff my mom took with her.

Well, what did she take?

Oh, you know, everything.

Do you think she's gone, man?

Hey, my dong's gone down finally, so that's good.

Yeah. It's not blue or anything, right?

No, it's a bit red, but it's not bad.

Yeah, you know, looking at it, I actually think it may be a little bigger.

It may have done you some good.

I think it actually did. Yeah.

Seven years bad luck.

What?

The mirror.

Ew. Muscle chicks just creep me out.

That's because she's more ripped than most dudes.

Still, I've always wanted to bang a female bodybuilder.

Is there a female anything you hazen't wanted to bang?

Uh, let me see.

There was this one girl, once.

But it turned out she was a dude.

Wow. It's the hips, just above the crease in her thong.

The way the skin bunches, you know?

Dark tan; shiny, oily skin glistening.

She kind of looks like a superhero.

Does everyone agree she looks like she's giving a...

Yes.

So, Stanley, you and Cadie get into any positions like that?

Um... that's an interesting question.

I would like to say that our lovemaking...

Sex. Yeah.

That's what I meant: "sex."

Banging. Right.

Was, uh, you know, kind of traditional.

It was crazy.

Crazy in a kind of traditional way, you know?

Kind of tame for the first...

Except when you put me in the pile driver.

I thought I was going to pass out.

I've never done anything like that before.

Yeah, except for that. I forgot about that part.

You're telling me that Stanley put you in the pile driver?

Yeah, Stan the Man. p*rn star.

Hey, Stanley, what is the pile driver, exactly?

Oh, uh, you don't know?

It's not very common in my world, no.

Well, you know it's nothing too fancy.

Just when you're kind of piling on top of each other and, you know, just sort of just, uh, drive it home.

You just drive it home. I see.

Where's Chris?

I'm right here.

This man won't let us eat any pizza until you've paid him.

Okay. Anyone got cash?

Dude, you've got a grand.

No, I've got a sick system, about 4,000 beer cans and a few of these empty wrappers.

What?

$1,000 is not that much money nowadays, when you really think about it, so...

Two, three, four.

Look, man, okay, so, I bought it yesterday, and I remember you because you have a very good face for memorizing, right, so I bought it from you and you were dying to sell it.

Yeah, there's a toaster pastry in the CD drawer.

Take it out. Clean it. I'll pay for that part.

Wrap it up and, you know, sell it to someone else.

Yeah, we can't sell that to anyone else.

Yes, you can, if you clean it.

Yeah, we're not going to clean it.

Well, I'll clean it and I'll bring it back tomorrow.

It's destroyed. It's un-sellable.

No matter what you do to it, we're not taking it back.

Well, I'll clean it, I'll bring it back tomorrow and I'll give it to someone else who works here.

No, you won't, because I'll have told them not to take it back because you've wrecked it.

I kept the receipt.

Yeah, receipts don't cover snack pastries.

I'll tell you how to get rid of your zits.

Oh, sh*t.

How?

You piss on a piece of toilet paper and wipe your face with it. It works better than Clearasil.

Tried it.

Have you tried sh1tting on a piece of toilet paper?

Okay, okay.

It's time to go.

Well, thank you for stopping by Electronic Max's Sizzle Store.

Now, is there anything I can help you with today, sir?

No, thanks.

Hey, Chris? Chris, wait up, man.

No.

It says out there "We buy anything."

Get out of my store.

Get out of my store!

What's up, Chris?

Hey, fat. What's happening?

Little guy just loves watching me drop a deuce.

Ain't that right, Che?

Why'd you name him Che?

After the Argentinean Marxist revolutionary who fought his way out of monopoly capitalism, neo-colonization and imperialism.

Oh. Cool.

What can I do for you, Chris?

Hey, how'd you like that Lithuanian E, huh?

I got some mad strong pills just in from Mexico City.

They're calling them Dirty Sanchez.

I'm selling, actually.

You looking to buy a sweet system?

This baby's guaranteed to make the shorties go pop.

You know what I'm saying, dude?

I can't move that, dude.

Now, that wheelbarrow, though.

Now that's something I can really use.

You can never have too many wheelbarrows.

Okay. Cool.

How do you want it?

Powder, pills, cash?

Cash.

10, 15, 20.

Tell you what. Let me see the pills.

You got it, boogie man.

Come on, dog, you woke me up.

Who are you?

Who the hell are you? I'm sleeping.

This is my house.

Nice.

Get out of here.

Get off me!

Get off me, man.

Let go!

This ain't cool.

Hey, little bro. Hello?

You all right?

That was some fall. I thought you was going to be quadriplegic and sh*t, you know, vege-tized, drinking from a straw and sh*t. You know what I'm saying?

Son?

Look, I think you should go.

All right.

No, not up the freaking stairs. Come on.

Hey, let's stop all this, all right?

Let's form some harmony here, my brother.

No, no. Shut up, man! Hey, hey!

Get out of here. Let's find some harmony, dude.

I was just sleeping in your bath.

Look, I've never met you before.

Yeah, but we met now, you know?

Get out of my house! Whoa, whoa!

Holler back.

Very funny. Now let me back in, man.

Yo, I'm gonna say this to you 'cause I got mad respect for you and 'cause we, like, roommates and sh*t, but, like, you are a very hostile little dude.

Let me back in, man!

What is up with this aggression?

I think you got some issues, my dude, like, big issues.

Like, you need to take it easy, maybe chill out just a little bit.

Dude, let me back in now, man.

Yo, hey, listen, you take a minute, you take a day or two, you think about it, and then you come back and we'll talk, all right?

It's my house.

I don't make the rules, brother.

I don't make the rules.

So, um, what are you going to do?

Don't know.

I'll tell you what you can't do, Chris.

That's stay like you are.

You've got no money, basically no home.

You can't just keep on...

Look, it's all my fault. I know. I messed everything up.

No, you didn't.

Tina...

Do you think we could ever...?

Chris.

Hey, Chris. Pants.

Thanks.

How amazing am I?

Don't tell her, dude.

You're kind of a big deal, man.

Everybody's talking about some naked kid running through the halls with a tiny little...

Tony.

Is this shirt okay?

What? He's not that pathetic.

You can take a joke, can't you, Chris?

Why don't you try it? No mom, no dad, just all on your own.

Sounds good to me.

I've got a dad.

There's no one home.

You'll be fine, Chris.

Chris.

Oh, well, what a great, um, surprise.

Look, we're not planning on staying...

Hi, I'm Daisy.

Hi, Daisy. I am Mary.

Well, um, come in.

Your dad's on his way home, but I'm going to give him a call anyway, okay?

No, no. If he's not here, we'll come back.

Okay. Okay. Oh, great.

That's fine.

Hey, why don't you come on over here and say hi to Sammy, Chris?

No, um, let him sleep.

Okay.

So...

Babies.

How's your mom?

That's actually... She's getting better.

Oh. She had another one of those things, did she?

No, not really. She's fine.

Great.

You know what would be fun?

To look at some old baby photos of Chris.

Huh? Would that be fun?

Let's see. Graham has them by year.

I'm trying to get him to go by mood, but...

You won't find any of me.

Oh, you're worried that we're going to see something embarrassing.

Ah, bingo. Here we go.

Oh, look at that. He is even cuter than Sammy.

I know a mother shouldn't say that, but come on, look at him.

You do look really cute, Chris.

That's not me.

Sure it is.

No, it's not. It's Peter.

Huh? Oh.

Well, I can still say he's sweet.

Who's Peter?

He's my brother.

Your brother?

You know...

Ah, Graham.

You'll never believe who's here. It's Chris. Isn't that great?

I'm going to take a shower.

Get rid of him.

Stop it. Why do you do this to him? He's your son.

I don't care!

I could never tie those knots in Cub Scouts, you know?

And they said, "Oh, he doesn't have the fingers for it," or whatever.

But now look what my fingers can do, huh?

Do you want to hear about the best day of my life?

Cub Scout meeting.

I'd pissed my pants by accident.

They'd had us sitting down forever and, um, I was trying, trying to get out, like, to leave the room.

But this kid kept blocking me, stopping me from leaving.

He was, like, playing a game or something and, um, so I told him that he was a penis face and he better get out of my way, "Penis face."

And then the whole place went quiet because I just said "Penis face."

And then they were all laughing, everyone, and I couldn't figure out if it was because I'd swore or if it was because they'd seen that my shorts were wet.

So, I tried to cover the wet spot with my hands.

But that meant that they definitely saw.

And then there was more laughing.

But, um, Peter, my brother, he was like, the youngest sixer ever or something, and, um...

They're the ones in charge, sixers. Dib, dib, dib.

Yeah, he could tie all the knots perfectly.

Him and my dad would practice. Loved it.

Anyway, he stands up, sixer. And, um...

They all liked him.

And, uh, takes my hand.

And he took me to the bathroom.

And then he had me take my shorts off.

He cleaned me up.

And then he took off his shorts and put them on me.

And then he kissed me on the cheek and took my hand.

We both went out there, him just in his underwear.

No one laughed. Best day of my life.

Hey, don't, um...

Don't tell the others about the knots and stuff, you know.

I won't.

Do you know what you're going to do?

What, me? No.

Do you think your mom's going to come back?

Well, she's still around.

How do you know?

She left flowers by the grave.

TONY: So, anytime you see a nipple, ass cr*ck or camel toe, you gotta do a sh*t.

Down in one. You guys got it?

Wait, what's a camel toe?

What? Are you serious?

It's when it bunches around the, uh...

It's a vag*na thing.

Oh, my God. Is there slow motion on this thing, Michelle?

Slow motion for what? ABBUD: There!

I just saw a nipple. I just saw a nipple.

Concealed or free?

If concealed counts, we're going to be drinking a lot.

Suits you, don't it, Muffy?

Suits me to the ground, brother.

Did he just call you Muffy?

Anyway, so a nipple can be concealed and visible, right, Daisy?

What?

When you're wearing that red top.

Will someone please find the remote so we can rewind it and see the nipple, please?

Where's the remote?

Whoa, Stanley, buddy.

That's lend lease only.

What? Is everyone talking in code today or am I just stupid?

You're pretty stupid.

I just, um, gotta pee.

You better not be going to jerk off.

Guys, where's the remote?

Look for it yourself.

Remote? Hello? It was just here.

Ooh.

I think we should go on a date.

What? Us?

I don't see anyone else here.

Um, yeah, okay. Sure.

Okay. I gotta go.

That's nice, Stanley.

So, what I want to know, Tea, is when are you going to come good on the bet?

I mean, Stan already lost his cherry.

That was part of the deal, huh, Stan?

Yeah. I guess.

Yeah, okay. Stanley got about as far with Cadie as I did.

Huh?

What?

No, I never boned Cadie.

Stan says he banged her brains out.

And, she's backing him up.

Yeah, and you already "wussed" out of it once.

I mean, I purchased tickets for that game, brought my brothers. I promised them Janet Jackson.

We got nada. In my culture that's a loss of face, you know.

All right, well, if you guys want to see them so badly, why don't I just whip them out here and now?

That works for me.

Yeah, of course.

Nipples! Everybody drink!

Encore. We demand an encore, please.

I could take more.

Me too. Show's over.

Show me the money!

You jizz your pants, brown-eyed boy?

Oh, almost.

Ow, ow, I just "spunked"!

Michelle, Get off!

Hi.

So, don't be "weirded" out by the, uh, collection.

This is only for a few days, okay?

Until you find something else.

Thanks.

It's just, I could lose my job over this.

So, if you could just not...

I know.

Oh, um...

This is for you.

Your friends said you like fish, so it's for luck.

Yeah.

Okay.

I should go to bed.

Okay, sorry.

You should do that.

Good night.