1x09 - (US) Tina

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God!

Hi, Tina. Carry your books?

Come on, I won't bite. Just nibble the tasty bits.

Who is it? Who is it?!

(Passionate moaning)

(Moaning)

Ow!

(Bleep) me!

Ouch. That had to hurt.

(Crying)

Stupid shelf!

You're okay. Just a little bump, right?

It's my birthday.

Seriously? Well, you can't cry on your birthday!

It's against the rules.

I'm 23 years old. I'm having sex in a tree house!

You say it like it's not the awesome-est thing ever!

Know how many babes would lose their (Bleep) if I brought them back here to my pad?

Maybe you should date a girl your own age.

Uh-uh. I love you, Tina.

ABBUD: Chris! Hey, Chris! Chris!

Don't let him come up here!

Hey 'Bbud. What's good?

You can come down now. Parents are gone.

Mom made pancakes.

"Blueberry pancakes!"

"Blueberry pancakes?"

"Yes! Yum! They're delicious!"

You too, Tina! There's lots!

Abbud, I know this seems a little weird.

But Chris' grades have been suffering and he really needs the extra tutoring.

Yep, I need me some learning, 'Bbud, all night long!

Tutor me, baby!

Chris, shut up!

Relax, Slip. I know.

You know? You know what?

You know. I "know" know.

No. I don't know. Tell me.

About you two, grinding groins.

Grinding? Jesus, Abbud, look, I'm just helping Chris out...

I saw you two bumping nasties.

When I climb onto the roof, I get a pretty nice view.

Okay, I don't know what you think you saw but...

I saw you, naked, and your perfect medium-sized "chesticles" bouncing around while you...

Oh my God! Oh my God!

They're perfect, aren't they?

Yeah, bro. Your girl is stacked, yo!

You listen to me very carefully.

You keep your mouth shut or I will rip your tongue out of your head and shove it up your ass so fast, you'll taste your lunch.

Are we clear?

Yes!

(Laughing)

Jesus! What do I get out of this?

Look, don't tell anyone and I'll give you an "A".

Deal.

♪

What the hell are you doing?

♪
♪ Rustle these leaves ♪
♪ Give me soul that you wanna ♪
♪ Ruffle these feathers ♪
♪

♪ Rustle these leaves ♪

Oh, Evan, hey!

Hey to you.

Wow. We're always, like, bumping into each other.

It's weird, right?

It's not that weird.

We live right across the hall from each other.

Oh, yeah. Duh.

It's my birthday.

Oh.

And that's why they call them fish-sticks. (Laughing)

(Alarm blaring)

Oh, crap! Oh, stupid alarm.

I got it.

(Alarm turning off)

Thanks. It's a panic button, in case I get, you know, assaulted, in an empty parking garage.

Like, if some guy was to just pin me up against my car, and have his way with me.

Well, you don't have to worry about me.

I'd at least take you out for dinner first.

I'd like that.

Yeah. See you around.

Okay.

Cute.

♪ Each picture tells a story ♪
♪ We've seen it all before ♪
♪ It's either death or glory ♪
♪ Or casualty of w*r ♪
♪ It's a shame ♪
♪ That we all have a sell-by date ♪

(Bell ringing)

Great class, everyone. Good work.

♪
♪ And you're so nice and you're so sweet ♪
♪ You love your life, you're so complete ♪
♪ Your perfect hair and perfect teeth ♪
♪ We follow you, you're all we need ♪
♪ When you look shocked and not surprised ♪
♪ It's still your sh*t and your good side ♪
♪

Spelled "Throbbing" wrong.

♪

Tina? Tina?

(Steam whistle blowing)

Tina? Tina?

Yoo-hoo! Hello!

"How I'm Going To Bone You Tonight" by Chris Collins.

David, do you mind?

Yikes, I thought my physics homework was exciting.

Guess I'll have to crank it up a notch.

What is that?

What does it look like?

Your great-great-great grandmother's vibrator?

No. I imagine she would've just used a piece of wood, carved in the shape of...

What is it then?

This is a Jensen 75 steam engine power plant.

(Whistle blowing)

Or as I like to call it, cr*ck cocaine for us science nerds.

A toy.

Sure. Maybe we could play with it together some time, tonight even, over some beef Wellington and wine.

I could show you how to get the piston pumping.

Gross. And, no.

I could be over at your place by 9:00. Red or white?

You don't know where I live.

I knew you'd play hard to get.

What is this?

This street-level images of all the T. Nolan addresses I found on the internet.

I'll be able to tell by your reaction which one is yours.

Okay, that's a bit creepy, Dave, like, not even cute creepy.

Women love to be chased, Tina, hunted, stalked like prey.

What may seem "creepy" now will someday be a great how-we-met story.

(Fire alarm blaring)

Okay, stay calm, people! But this could be the real deal!

OVER INTERCOM: This is not a drill. Please walk to your nearest exit...

Let's go! Move it! You're going to burn!

(Alarm blaring)

Attention: students and faculty. This is not a drill...

Tina, please!

TINA: I can't believe this.

It seems like there's a fire drill every day.

TEA: Those aren't drills, Tina. They're false alarms.

What? Hold on. You mean someone actually has the nerve to just pull the fire alarm? Who would do that?

TEA: Try Stanley.

Tea!

What? It's just Tina.

Stan? Why?

Test, exam, pop quiz.

He didn't study.

So, he pulls the alarm at the beginning of the class, school's evacuated and, by the time we all get back inside, no time for the test.

Teacher has to reschedule, Stan gets another day to study, which he won't, of course.

So then he pulls the alarm again.

And here we are, caught up in his sick cycle.

It's actually genius. Kid's got balls.

Kid's got big, fat, hairy balls.

Ew! (Laughing) (Laughing)

Hey, babe. Read my homework?

Chris, don't call me "babe" at school.

Yep, she's doing him.

DAISY: Yeah, well that's not gonna work out.

TEA: That's probably true, D.

This isn't going to work: you and me.

You and me already does work, Tina.

No, Chris, it doesn't. We have no future.

Wrong.

TEA: Hey guys, check it out.

Has he told her his plan?

He's got a plan?

We run away to Nebraska.

There's tons of empty houses there 'cause of the economy!

It's awesome!

We'll get a hot dog truck and call it "Chris and Tina's Spicy 'Wienas.'"

Wow. Wow. Yeah, I know.

Living in a foreclosed home, working on a hot dog truck in Nebraska. Gee, I'm a lucky girl!

TINA: We can't just run away.

You think she bought it?

Wieners? Not a chance.

But hey, I guess there just isn't gonna be time for our exam.
(Laughing)

Stanley! I'm right here!

Sorry.

Here.

♪ Another season of hunters pretending... ♪

So, when's Tony coming back? I haven't seen him in a while.

Never, I hope.

Mostly, I feel like I'm so over that dickwad.

But sometimes, I really miss him a lot.

You should just forget about him and move on.

Seriously, Michelle, Tony's just a boy.

He's way too young and immature for you.

I mean, I'm sure the sex is amazing...

Oh yeah.

But it's not enough. You need to be the grown-up. End it.

Trust me. As your friend, this is good advice.

Do you have any actual grown-up friends?

Like, your own age?

No. I mean, not really.

Well, what about other teachers?

Teachers aren't grown-ups.

We hang around kids so much that we're all infected by this weird, like, kid disease that destroys our "adultness".

It's gone! My Jensen 75, gone!

Your what?

My steam engine, Ms. Nolan! It's missing!

You see what I'm talking about?

Attention, thieves!

One of you has stolen my property.

But all of you are guilty of stealing my soul.

As of this day, "Nice Dave" is dead. You k*lled him.

All of your lockers will be searched!

Then the strip searches begin!

I'm not sure that's legal.

Full cavity searches!

How big is this thing?

♪

Nice work, Daisy. So, now it's you and Abbud, huh?

Yeah.

We're screwing each other's brains out a lot after school.

Oh. Well, that's nice.

Sometimes during school too, behind those big mats in the gym.

Okay, yeah, great spot.

I mean, you shouldn't be having sex at school.

Is it serious?

No. It's just sex.

I mean, means nothing to me. He's just a warm body.

You sure you don't want to talk to someone older and wiser about it? Huh?

Me.

Oh. No, it's cool, Tina. Thanks anyway.

Come on, Daisy, teacher-student confidentiality.

As your Yearbook Committee President, I hereby order you to share some juicy details.

Actually, this is weird.

You're not exactly our president anymore.

What?

We had a vote and replaced you with Allison Brown.

When did this happen? You repla... Why?

You've been missing submission deadlines, Tina.

We felt like we needed to go with someone more... responsible.

Responsible? Allison's 15!

I'm sorry, Tina. It's nothing personal.

♪

Ms Nolan. I'd like to speak to you.

Me? Now?

Right now.

Is everything okay?

No. We both know with certainty that everything is not okay.

Nothing gets past me Ms. Nolan.

I've noticed what's been going on these past few months.

Principal Turner, I can explain!

Look, I never meant for this to happen.

It's just his mom ran away and he really needed a place...

These test scores have been falling for months now and that is your responsibility.

They're abominable, a disgrace.

We want to see a huge improvement, don't we?

Yes. Yes, we do.

(Chattering)

Can everyone please be quiet?

Please be quiet.

(Chattering)

Will everyone please stop talking?

Everybody shut the (Bleep) up! Tina's trying to talk!

You're all being (Bleep) and pissing her off on her birthday.

Birthday? Really? Happy birthday, Slippy!

My name is not Slippy!

Don't ever call me that again, okay?

Sorry, Tina. You don't have to go all psycho on me.

It's not Tina either!

It's not?

No. You will call me Miss Nolan.

You got that?

'Cause I'm not your buddy or one of your friends.

I'm your (Bleep) teacher. Okay? Ms. Nolan!

What do you want, Monique?

Ms. Nolan, are you going to hand out the tests soon so we can start?

The tests.

Yes. I will hand out the tests in a moment.

(Mumbling)

(Alarm blaring)

♪

OVER INTERCOM: ...nearest exit and wait at your designated area for further instruction.

♪ We all pulled out our skeletons ♪

Hey, do you like wieners?

What?

Cause you just gave me a foot-long!

What the hell is the matter with you, you little dirt bag?

It's Mitch, right?

Ow! It's just...

I heard you bone students and I thought I had a sh*t!

I bone students?

♪

Hey, we had a deal! You promised!

I know, but I only told people before I promised.

So, technically, I didn't break the promise, right?

Since this morning, I haven't said a word to anyone else.

Tina, if you're talking about Chris, we already knew.

You knew? Why didn't you guys say anything?

Because we love you.

Yeah. You're one of us, Tina!

Oh, God.

♪ And I fear we may be lost ♪

Chris?

Wow. Are you actually doing school work?

Let's call it a science project.

Really? I'm impressed! What does it do?

Just watch.

I should have known.

It's not fun, but totally worth it.

Chris. People know about us! I could lose my job.

So what? Who cares about a stupid job?

I care! This is my life.

I know I'm a broken record but I really mean it this time, okay?

We cannot see each other anymore, ever.

But we will still see each other, every day.

That's what's so awesome about high school.

You can never get away.

Then I'll quit my job.

So, you'll quit your job so you won't have to see me, 'cause you want to break up cause you're scared you'll lose your job?

Yes?

Then, do we even need to break up?

Wow. That's deep.

♪ I am not who I used to be ♪
♪ If you call when you're in town ♪

Dave!

Hey, Tina. Did you check out all this cool stuff?

Do you want an Ed Hardy hat?

Are you just looting people's lockers now?

You are not going to believe the perverse things Sarah Williams has been doing with her boyfriend.

You can't read a student's diary!

I'm looking for clues, Tina.

This is an on-going investigation.

And I will go to the gates of hell to find the bastard who stole from me. But listen to this.

"Last night, sex with Pete was so crazy.

He put Dijon mustard on a polish sausage..."

Give that to me!

People's relationships are private, Dave!

This is none of your business.

Oh, hey, about our date this evening, is that still happening?

Yes, Dave. Please come over.

I want to ride your baloney pony.

Is that what you want me to say?

Wow! Yeah! That was exactly what I was hoping you might say.

Bring lots of mustard!

(Bleep) off, Allison!

♪
♪ You come over late ♪
♪ You're always laughing at something ♪
♪ You say that you can't stay ♪
♪ Why do you bother? What do you want? ♪
♪ I bet you didn't know ♪
♪ That I grew up here ♪
♪ Oh yeah, I'm from here ♪
♪ Now all my friends are gone ♪
♪ Don't know what happened, don't know where they went ♪

Hey!

Hey.

Where's your car?

Broke down.

Do you want a ride?

Yeah!

Thanks for this.

Yeah, you should thank me.

It's a massive inconvenience, me dropping you off at your place.

You're right. How can I ever repay you?

Take me out for my birthday.

Okay. Let's do it. Let's go out for dinner.

Pick a place.

Okay.

Seriously, you should've got the western burger.

Look at this onion ring! How's the veggie?

Umm...

So, this is, like, basically, like, a date, right?

You say "like" a lot.

No, I don't.

Like, all the time.

Sorry. I guess I don't really, like, hang around adults that much.

You just said it again.

No, shut up! I did not!

Let's play back the tape.

(Imitating tape rewinding)

"Sorry. I, like, don't, like, hang out with, like, adults a lot."

Wow, I sound so different on tape.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait.

Here in the car? That's so...

Wild and crazy?

High school.

Look I wasn't expecting...

It's okay. I come prepared.

No, that's not what I meant.

Are you gay?

What? No!

Do you have wood issues?
'Cause I've got some pills.

No. Look, I'm 30 years old.

I don't want to have sex in a strip mall parking lot.

Happy Birthday.

(Phone ringing)

Hi.

CHRIS: Tina, where are you?

Have you not heard anything I've said today?

Are you going home?

Look, we need to cool this thing of ours off, okay?

People need to stop seeing us together.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Tina! Tina...

Surprise! Surprise!

Chris, what the (Bleep)?

Surprised? Happy Birthday, babe!

Jesus Christ. It's just so out of control.

No (Bleep)! And I set it all up last minute!

I'll get drinks!

Chris, wait!

Hey, Ms. Nolan.

Can you help me with this global labor market stuff?

Monique? Right now?

We never went over it in class.

(Hiccup)

Umm...

Okay, what's the problem?

♪

What are you doing, Cadie?

Trying to cock-block you, I guess.

Why?

Because I gave Michelle some ecstasy.

So, if she sleeps with you, it's my fault and I'd feel bad.

I get why everybody else hates me. Why you?

I don't hate you.

I don't hate tornados or tsunamis, or earthquakes or volcanoes.

And I don't hate tidal waves or asteroids or any other destructive force of nature.

Ton, Michelle's having fun...

Shag carpet!

If she sees you here then...

What? What, Abbud?

You should just leave.

♪

Hey, babe, great party, right? Everything good?

No Chris, everything's not good!

My apartment being trashed by a bunch of strangers is not good!

Come on, it's just a small group of close friends having a nice time.

Yeah? Which one of our close friends is that dancing on my coffee table in my underwear?

Not cool, bro!

Take my girl's (Bleep) off and get the hell out now!

Turn around. Turn around! Hold still.

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Stop! Dude, you're spilling beer all over my girl's rug!

Don't just stand there, son!

Get a dish towel or something to help clean up!

Hurry!

(Glass smashing)

Hey! Who threw that? Have some (Bleep) respect!

What's that smell?

No! Put it away!

Out!

Hey man, chill. You're way too stressed out.

Can't these assholes just have some fun and not be total dicks?

Uh-oh. Looks like the Monkey Man is officially p*ssy whipped!

(Imitating whipping)

That's it!

(Music stopping)

Party's over! Get out! Everyone!

You pissed?

Yeah, at myself mostly, for letting it get this far.

Come to the bedroom. I've got a present for you.

Every time I say "No", you seduce me all over again.

I'm all seduced out.

No, I got you a real present. You'll love it.

Oh my God!

Come on! Oh yeah, 'Bbud!

Turn off the light! Turn off the light!

Gross! You of all people, Daisy? In my bed?

You're, like, a "germaphobe"!

Sorry, Tina! Chris said it was okay!

It's nothing serious, okay? Just meaningless sex!

Get that thing away from me!

Sorry, Ms. Nolan!

Oh, gross. I've got Abbud splooge in my sheets!

Happy Birthday.

You? You stole that? Why?

To make you smile.

Well, I'd rather you got me flowers.

Flowers?

Yeah, grown-ups get flowers.

I get frog paperweights and bath beads and teddy bears.

One guy gave me a cookie-cutter shaped like a penis once.

No one's ever given me flowers before.

So, you hate it.

Lucky I brought your back-up present.

No! Don't take your pants off. Chris, let's talk.

About Nebraska?

No, not about Nebraska.

Can it wait 20 minutes?

(Moaning)

Can't you shut that thing off?

I don't know how. There's no off button.

♪
♪ Unfamiliar reflection ♪

Jesus, Chris! Slow down.

Sorry. That thing's screwing up my rhythm.

Is it supposed to be going that fast?

♪ A strange time ♪
♪ Strange ♪
♪ I have changed, I've changed ♪

(Knocking)

Hello? Guess who?

Yes!

(Passionate moaning)

Hello?

Anybody home?

I'm looking for a T. Nolan?

Hello?

(Passionate moaning)

Yes, yes!

(Passionate moaning)

What in the blue blazes?

(Popping)

(Coughing)

(Whimpering)

Dave?

Why?

Why?

Why are we stopping?

Thought much about wieners?

Hot dogs? Nebraska?

Our future, remember?

Come on, Tina. Lets run away. Right now.

We have no future, Chris.

We are the most insane mistake I've ever made.

We are over.

Tina.

Please get out.

No. I love you.

You're a teenage boy. It's called a crush. Grow up.

I don't want to grow up!

Well, I do!

You love me.

No, Chris. I don't.

You're lying, Tina.

You're lying.

Am I?

I can't tell!

Are you lying?

Are you?

Are you?

♪ When you feel like a child ♪
♪ And you know that it's a mistake ♪

Can I help you?

That's her.

Tina Nolan, you're under arrest.

Are you joking?

I'm being arrested for breaking a stupid toy?

No. I'm arresting you for statutory r*pe.

r*pe? Jesus! What?

Child Molestation. Sexually assaulting a minor.

This is ridiculous! I'm not a child molester!

Guys! Tell them!

Don't talk to the kids, you pervert.

♪ After bed last night ♪
♪

What am I doing in here?

My parents took me to Nebraska when I was a kid.

They had the world's largest woolly mammoth.

I wish I was walking through the corn fields.

I can almost smell the corn.

(Sniffing)

Oh my God!

That is so gnarly!

How can you sit there and take a crap right in front of me?

I'm holding mine in. I don't care how long I'm in here.

God, there isn't even any toilet paper.

What are you going to use to wipe your ass?

♪

I demand a new shirt and a roll of toilet paper or you'll be hearing from my lawyers!

I don't take orders from low-life, child-molesting scum.

I didn't molest anyone.

You screwed a 17-year-old boy.

That's carnal knowledge of a minor.

Carnal knowledge.

I have a witness ready to testify, a teacher!

Dave? You mean the guy that stalked me and broke into my apartment?

Well, if that's all you've got, then I'll be on my way.

I'll find somebody to back up his story.

In the meantime, don't leave town.

Don't try to contact that boy.

And stay at least 500 ft. from school property.

Don't worry. I've already been fired.

Good. Let's get this party started.

Show me where she touched you.

Where she touched me?

That's right. Come on, kid. It's okay.

You can do it.

There's nothing. I can't.

Look. You don't be ashamed of what happened.

It wasn't your fault. You're the victim of a sex crime.

Yeah. I'm a victim.

She hurt you, right?

Yeah. She hurt me.

Scarred you for life!

Probably.

Just tell me what happened. I'll make her pay, son.

She blew me...

Yes! I knew it!

She gave you a blow job!

No. She blew me off when I tried to hook up with her, said it was inappropriate and told me to grow up.

You're lying!

No, bro. I tried but couldn't make it happen.

Come on, kid. She probably even said she loved you, right?

No. She never told me she loved me.

Did I ever witness Chris and Tina having sex?

No way! That's so awesome!

How the hell did I not know that?

No. Tina never tried to have sex with me. I don't know why.

Is there something wrong with me?

It was a classic Jensen steam engine, with the dynamo built into the crank shaft.

The boiler was brass. Are you writing this down?

Hey.

Hi.

I just came by to say bye.

You're leaving?

Yeah, going back to my parents' place.

And that's why you came here?

Umm, actually, no.

I'm required by state law to tell you that I'm a suspected sex offender.

Oh. Weird.

Yeah.

Well, if you're leaving, you don't have to tell me.

I don't?

No. You got to tell your new neighbors.

Oh, (Bleep). Right.

Oh. Okay. Oh.

Good luck.

Bye.

♪

(Knocking)