08x02 - The Pre-Nup

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Kids, the summer of 2012 was the Summer of Love.

Barney and Quinn, me and Victoria, Robin and Nick, Lily, Marshall and Marvin.

Everyone was happy as can be.

(all sigh happily)

Which means there are absolutely no good stories.

Let's skip ahead...

...to October 2012, the official kick-off of what came to be known as the Autumn of Breakups.

It all started when Barney got a little friendly advice from a coworker.

Get a prenup, or I'll neuter you before she ever has a chance!

First of all, if you have an onion bagel, you don't need scallion cream cheese.

(gagging)

Secondly, Quinn is a great girl.

I trust her.

Oh, Darlene was a great girl.

I trusted her.

And then she took everything!

My house, my car... my dog Tugboat.

I even lost out with the kids.

Full custody!

I got full custody of those kids!

Your kids are horrible.

The worst.

Barney, I watched as Darlene cut everything good out of my life like a deranged surgeon hacking out organs, and that's not a metaphor.

She got one of my kidneys.

(musical horror sting)

That's her ringtone.

I have nothing left to give you, Darlene!

♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x02 ♪

The Pre-Nup

Original Air Date on October 1, 2012

Hey, you ready for lunch?

Hey, there she is.

The future Mrs. Barney Stinson.

You better enjoy signing your name "Quinn Garvey" while you still can, right?

Like, I don't know... here, here, here, initial here...

What is this?

Oh, this is our prenup.

Black or blue? Totally up to you.

Um, can I read it first?

Can you believe that?

He wants me to sign a prenup!

Can you believe that?

She wants to read it first!

Just go ahead and sign.

It's all pretty standard. "In the event of divorce, "Mr. Stinson is granted weekly visitation rights to Ann, Sarah and Molly."

You named our future kids?

That's actually pretty sweet.

Those are Mr. Stinson's names for your lady parts.

It's important for the girls to maintain a relationship with their daddy.

(imitates small expl*si*n)

You named her lady parts?

Everyone does that.

So... Lily?

Snap, Crackle, Pop.

(popping sound)

Solid. Wait.

Is this prenup in any way legit?

I mean, so far, it sounds a lot like that bar napkin document you make one-night stands sign, promising not to get clingy.

The Pre-Shtup, patent pending.

God, I come up with a lot of good stuff!

Anyway, I realize these aren't just terms for divorce, so I ask...

Are these rules for how I have to behave in our marriage?

Rules?

Suggestions.

Rich people and celebrities put stuff like this in their prenups all the time.

And those are the marriages that last.

I have to pay $2,000

every time I gain a pound?

Not every time.

Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in.

See, you can't do that. "Miss Garvey must invent 12 new sexual positions per year, "at least ten of which involve her doing all or most of the work."

You definitely can't do that. Hm-mm. "Miss Garvey's breasts must be enhanced every five years or 50,000 honka-honkas, whichever comes first."

That's actually not bad. I'll allow it.

That's repulsive.

And, sidebar: why do men think women like to be honka-honka'd?

What woman wants her breasts squeezed like a seal horn?

Um... totally.

Lily like-a-like-a the honka-honka. "All hair below the neck must be removed weekly."

Hey, you're gonna be thanking me for that hair loss during the weigh-in. "Miss Garvey's parents may stay at our place as long as they like."

Well, at least that one's nice. "Provided they each arrive in an urn." "Wives two through eight will make a weekly chore wheel."

I'm sorry, I borrowed a few sections from a prenup I did for a Saudi Arabian sultan.

I'll cross out the extra wives stuff.

Unless...

Cross it out.

My God! What the hell does Barney think marriage is going to be like, anyway?

Just a healthy, modern-day marriage, based on mutual respect between two equals.

Ready for your wake-up lap dance, Master?

Aren't you forgetting something?

(gasps)

Oh, my God, it's 9:00 a.m.

Legally mandated morning pillow fight time!

(women cheer)

Women: Best husband ever.

Best husband ever.

Best husband ever. Aw.

Best husband e...

Sorry, sorry, we crossed out the wives two through eight stuff. Unless... Nope.

Okay. Don't worry. I crossed it out.

I didn't really cross it out.

I can hear you.

I'll cross it out.

I didn't really cross it out.

Hey, hey...

Hey, guys, what's up?

Oh, Quinn's pissed because Barney wants her to sign a crazy prenup.

But is it really crazy?

Yes. Well, I'm new to this but guessing yes.

Okay, look.

Did I go... a speck of sand, a fairy eyelash, a unicorn whisper too far?

Perhaps.

But can you tell me there's nothing in any of your relationships you'd want to change?

No behavior you'd want to outlaw?

No terms you'd want to renegotiate?

Look me in the eye and tell me I'm crazy.

Others: You're crazy.

Narrator: But a funny thing happened that night.

(all taking at once)

Look, I'm not saying he's right, but Barney does have a little bit of a point.

Marshall: But on this one, he may have a point. I mean, look... the idea of renegotiating the terms of the relationship, that's valid.

NICK: (scoffs): No.

There isn't anything about you that I'd want to change.

Well, okay, maybe a couple of things.

Women: Like what?

Narrator: And just like that... one of these four couples would break up the very next day.

Okay, it wasn't Lily and Marshall.

One of these three couples would break up the very next day.

What happened? So last night Nick was all like, "Barney has a point "about renegotiating the terms of the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." Yeah, and Marshall was all like, "Uh, I want to blah, of the blah, uh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

If I shut my eyes it's like they're here.

They're just using Barney's prenup as a way to complain about us.

I'm just saying, you've forbidden certain things that I might like to revisit.

Marshall, you're not going on a Sasquatch hunt in Oregon with a bunch of loonies.

Loonies?

Those brave, bearded men and women are crypto-zoologists, and they deserve the respect that title commands.

But that's not what I was thinking of.

You're too precious with the baby.

Lily: Okay,

when we first came home with Marvin, there was a bad moment.

Welcome home, buddy.

(gasps)

(baby giggles)

Robin: Was it really that high?

I don't know. I was hormonal.

And suddenly, this primal, protective mother voice came out of me.

Actually, it was two voices.

I seriously think one was coming from my vag*na.

(deep, echoing): Never do that again!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is the big deal?

My brothers and my dad used to roughhouse with me all the time.

Welcome home, Marshall.

Hi. Boys... go long.

(baby giggles)

Stop! Not in the house.

That's how lamps break.

Now go pass that baby around outside.

Oh, fumble!

And I turned out perfectly fine.

Marshall, this morning you thought a ghost made your toast.

I didn't put the bread in.

You didn't put the bread in.

You know what? I will play with my son however I see fit. And you know what else?

You can honka-honka yourself tonight.

Robin: Barney's prenup

ruined my night, too.

Okay, uh, what behavior of mine don't you like?

I'm talking about the TV thing.

Okay, the TV thing is an argument from, like, three weeks ago.

Mmm.

(Nick laughs)

(sighs)

Uh...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Didn't realize it takes 42 inches to keep you satisfied.

Robin: The TV happened

to be on. I happened to glance at it.

Does that make me so weird? No.

Not at all. Thank you.

I may be a little weird.

Mmm.

(Nick laughs)

Oh, yeah.

Robin: I get... turned on watching myself do the news during sex.

Yeah, that's a little weird.

Look, seeing myself on TV makes me feel confident and sexy.

And that is nothing to be ashamed of, right, sisters?

Never speak of this. Ever.

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

There's more.

Lily: Wait.

So when you're doing the news live at 7:00, you wink to future you watching the rebroadcast at 11:00?

Maybe.

Never speak of this.

Ever!

You won't believe what Ted did last night.

You said you were happy to help him out.

Well, now I'm changing my mind.

Sorry to interrupt, roomie, but I am trying to make sausage. Where do you keep your pig intestines?

What's your ex-fiancé

doing at Ted's?

Klaus came to me a few weeks ago.

Since we broke up, he lost his job, he got evicted.

He's miserable.

(sobs): I'm so sorry.

If I could just take a quick whore's bath in your kitchen sink, then I will skedaddle.

Oh, Klaus, I wish that there was something I could do to help.

Ted: There is, little lady. I've got a guest room.

You'll stay here till you're back on your feet.

Are you sure?

This is your apartment.

Shh.

Think of this as our apartment.

Robin: Oh...

Hero Ted.

He loves that move.

Yeah, for about five minutes, then he gets hero's remorse.

Danke schon, roomie.

I will go get my things.

Das is super-duper-duper.

My ferrets will be so happy.

They have been living in an airport locker for weeks.

Here comes papa, children.

(door closes)

VICTORIA: I'll admit,

there have been a few awkward moments.

(laughing)

You are going to love this.

This is the popular German situational-comedy,

Strange Compatriots.

(giggles)

Here we come.

Ooh. Here's the thing about this show, okay?

One of them is very neat

und the other one is very, very neat.

(laughs)

Oh, Fritz,

kommen sie hier.

Ah, Fritz...

It's time to give Klaus "das boot."

(Klaus sobbing in distance)

Klaus?

Wait, can-can you hear us through the wall?

KLAUS: Yes, I can hear you.

I hear everything.

(quietly): That's it.

Klaus, get in here!

For God's sake.

I want you out of my apartment.

You, those ferrets and all five newborns.

Six and counting.

Mama is still going.

It is like a clown car.

Suddenly, it wasn't

our apartment anymore.

I had no say in the matter.

These guys are unbelievable.

You know what, I am gonna go home and watch the news all by myself.

Wait.

I have an idea.

You know what?

I'm on board with the whole prenup thing.

That's great.

It's here to protect you, too, sweetie... from becoming unappealing to me.

Actually, I made my own prenup with a little help.

Ladies?

Go ahead and sign.

It's all pretty standard.

This might not be the best time to ask--

I'm sort of getting back in the game.

(clears throat)

The redhead with the baby, what's her situation? "In the event of divorce, Miss Garvey shall get full custody of Mr. Stinson's suits"?

Why?

What would you do with them?

Nothing. I'd just sit around and watch them go out of style.

That is just sick.

Keep reading. "Mr. Stinson is allowed to attend any function at the Playboy Mansion."

Well, at least that's nice. "Provided he arrives in an urn."

Gentlemen, just in time.

What are you b*tches doing here?

Lily. Oh, he's napping.

It's the only time I get to go blue.

Barney texted us that you guys were ganging up on him.

Marshall: So we're just here to ensure he doesn't sign anything he'll regret.

I'm sorry, I don't think anyone here other than me is a lawyer.

A well-paid, successful lawyer.

I-I'm a lawyer.

Actually, we worked together for years.

Back off, stretch, I saw her first.

Barney: Hang on a second. "A half million dollar fine "any time Mr. Stinson can't 'rise to the occasion,' cue sad slide whistle sounds"?

(descending slide whistle)

Hey, what's this about a shock collar?

Ah, yes, we'll explain.

Miss Garvey has many attractive friends who will come to visit.

May I offer you goat cheese puff pastries I made, mistress?

As long as you can do it quietly.

(buzzing)

Barney: Wait, I'm confused.

If it's not around my neck, then where's the shock collar?

Oh, God.

MEN: Oh, God.

It's more of a shock ring, really.

Her idea.

Little missy is packing a brain, too.

Marshall: Okay, you know what?

Since we're all pitching in, may I suggest a provision?

In the event that you have a son, Mr. Stinson is free to play with his child however he sees fit.

How about forbidding your future husband from spiking his child into his crib?

How about a clause protecting you from having to engage in a three-way with her and whatever's on basic cable?

Oh, yeah? How about forbidding...

I got nothing.

How about a provision barring any nudist German ex-fiancés from slapping his strudel up and down your sofa?

How about pretending to be a hero, but then caving the moment a ferret bite breaks the skin?

The skin of my eyelid.

That's how they kiss.

Are you serious?

(overlapping arguing)

Enough! Enough!

You all have someone who loves you, and you're screwing it up, and over what?

Who has the most power?

That's not love.

Love is trusting someone enough to tell them what's really bothering you.

So that's what we're gonna do.

You, start.

When you got scared about Marvin, it felt like you were saying that I'm not as good a parent as you.

You're an amazing mom, and I want to live up to that.

Well, I probably have trust issues because my dad wasn't there for me.

But I know that you'll always be there to catch Marvin.

You, next.

Having Klaus back in our lives made me scared we're never gonna escape the past.

I only wanted to help Klaus because I feel guilty about how happy I am with you.

Next.

I find you so sexy, it just hurt that you don't feel the same about me.

I get turned on watching myself do the news during sex.

Oh.

Well, that's cool.

Look at that, no legal documents needed.

Just honesty and vulnerability.

That's love.

You see, I once loved someone, only I didn't say it enough.

Now I wish I could say it every day.

Hell, I don't care if it's crazy, I-I'm doing it.

Hello, Darlene?

Put Tugboat on the line.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, it's the man.

Narrator: And for a moment, all felt right with the world.

But that very night, the Autumn of Breakups would claim its first victims.

ROBIN (on TV): ...wish you a very safe and pleasant evening.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

KLAUS (distantly): Gute Nacht.

And you too, my babies.

Oh, danke for the sweet eye kisses.

(giggles)

Ow.

After you, sir.

Ladies first.

I insist.

(chuckles)

I insist.

I'm not throwing mine out first. I'm not throwing mine out first.

You've slept with half the women in New York.

I'm the one who needs a prenup.

You duped me out of thousands of dollars.

I'm the one who needs a prenup.

I just thought of some more stuff to add.

I'm not half finished.

(sighs)

Let's dive in.

It should be simpler than this, shouldn't it?

Yeah.

Maybe it should be.

Barney, do you trust me?

(scoffs)

No.

Do you trust me?

No.

If we really need something this complicated to get married...

Yeah.

♪ I was anxious to be found ♪
♪ You can always go home ♪
♪ To the safety of your cloud. ♪

I'm sorry, buddy.

Hey, there's always wives two through eight.

They sounded pretty hot in your fantasy.

All but wife seven.

She was just there 'cause her dad was rich.

Actually, I'm okay.

I found out I'll never trust someone enough to get married, and that's fine.

My single life is, and always will be, legen... wait for it...

...dary!

My wedding is gonna be legendary.

So, prenup?

Not this time.

Oh, hey you. Ready for lunch?

Totally.

Mmm.

Thanks.

See, Tugboat?

That's love.

Yeah.

(man speaking German on TV)

Okay, you see, Ludwig has started to polish the doorknobs, but Wilhelm has already completed this chore.

(laughter)

Yeah.

All: Ahh...

You know, it's big comedy, but you also really care about these characters.

LUDWIG: Wilhelm!

(descending slide whistle)