09x05 - The Poker Game

[bunniefuu]

Ooh, Chicago!

There is this pizza place called Gazzola's.

It's fantastic.

It was closed down for a while, but it just reopened.

I'm sure they got a Godzilla's in New York.

We're not stopping.

It's just pizza.

Just... pizza?

Let me tell you about the thing you say is just pizza.

We begin with the first bite.

Oh, the crunch!

And then the marinara.

That roiling lava of tomato and oregano... it overtakes you!

I'm falling!

And that's.... when she catches you.

That chewy, voluptuous mistress, Mozzarella.

Her oven-kissed cheeks crackle with warmth in your mouth, cradling the sauce and the bread, letting you know that from now on... this... is home.

This pizza... is home.

If it was so delicious, why'd they close it in the first place?

Rats. We're not stopping!

This road trip sucks!

♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x05 ♪

The Poker Game

Original Air Date on October 14, 2013

NARRATOR: Barney's bachelor poker game was winding down.

Tim Gunn, out.

Lily, busted.

Marshpillow, fluffed and turned down.

We were playing what we thought was our final hand, and it was getting intense.

Action to Ranjit.

Ranjit, action to you.

What?!

Hey, Ted, thanks again for your gift.

He gave us a framed photo of all of us at the bar, and he's getting us two other wedding gifts.

What can I say? I just love giving wedding gifts.

I love giving wedding gifts so much, I wish I could marry giving-wedding-gifts, and then get myself and giving-wedding-gifts a wedding gift.

Maybe saying things like that's why I am not married.

(laughter)

NARRATOR: Kids, there's a story behind that face.

Six years earlier, a few weeks after their wedding, Marshall and Lily were going through their wedding gifts.

Well, that's weird.

Did Ted get us anything?

Come on, Lily.

Ted... Ted's our best friend.

If his gift hasn't arrived yet, it's on the way.

NARRATOR: But time passed, and no gift arrived.

Finally, Marshall started dropping hints.

Hey, man, it was great having you at our wedding.

Thanks, Bro, and thanks for this coffee.

It is great.

You were not wedding absent.

No, sir.

You were wedding present.

Do I detect a note of hazelnut?

(laughs)

Wedding present.

I think he got it.

NARRATOR: But I didn't get it.

More months passed.

His hints got more desperate.

Happy Halloween!

Yeah. What-what are you supposed to be?

Well, I'm a wedding present, Ted!

How could you not get me a wedding present?

I mean, how could you not get that I am a wedding present?

Get me? A wedding present!

Get me a wedding present.

Why isn't he getting it?!

I don't know.

Why didn't you get the message to dress up like a pregnant teenager, home skillet?

NARRATOR: But he kept on waiting until the summer of 2008 when I got engaged.

So Ted's getting married, huh?

Bet he'd love a gift from his old pal Marshall.

Well, he can forget it!

We're getting them a gift.

But Lily, this is the dream.

This is the whole reason we wanted Ted to get married.

So we could not give him a wedding gift, and he would know exactly how it feels!

Baby, I'm as pissed as you are, but we're getting them a gift.

We have to.

Fine.

We'll get them a gift.

A gift that'll send a message loud and clear.

A gift-wrapping station! (laughs)

Oh, boy. This time, he has to get it.

NARRATOR: And not long after that, a package arrived.

Oh, well, well, well.

Package from one Mr. Ted Mosby.

It's a little late, but...

What the balls is this?!

It-It's a thank you note for the gift-wrapping station.

NARRATOR: Which explains the face.

Wedding gift.

JAMES: Hey, Barney.

I've got a wedding gift for you, too.

Don't get married. (laughs)

Ah.

In fact, it comes in His and Hers.

(in deep voice): Don't get married!

(in high-pitched voice): Don't get married!

(laughing)

BARNEY: Ah.

I'm not cheating! Don't tell anyone!

I'll cut you in on half!

Hey, Barney, can you ask James to stop crapping all over marriage?

He's not crapping on marriage.

He literally drew this on the toilet.

Come on, Robin. Please don't ask me to pick sides.

In two days, he's gonna be your brother, too.

Just be honest and tell him what's bothering you.

Okay.

(imitating car revving)

Marshall, are you...?

Hey, Andretti!

b*at it!

Marshall, are you sitting down?

Well, I'm in a car, and you were pretty clear about the No-Teen-Wolfing Now-That-I'm-A-Dad rule, so, yeah, I'm sitting down.

Ted is getting Barney and Robin three wedding gifts!

I hate him.

Lily, requesting permission to make a stink?

Stink away!

Hurry up and get it over with.

(window whirring down)

(phone buzzes)

Oh, that's Marshall.

I should take this.

Well, call me Akira Yoshizawa.

World's most famous origamist?

I fold.

(overlapping chatter)

Barney, here's a good one.

What's the difference between a Journey song and a husband?

A Journey song has a climax.

(laughs)

(laughs)

I'm sorry, Robin.

I'm just messing with you.

Raise a hundred.

No, it's fine.

It's just funny hearing all this anti-marriage stuff from a divorced guy who still wears his wedding ring.

What, this? Mm.

Only wear it because, nothing attracts a gay guy faster than a wedding ring.

Except saying hi to him.

Or being in the same room, or every app on my phone.

People, it is a good time to be gay.

So you can just... you can take that ring off anytime you want?

Anytime.

I'm all in.

And raise you... one ring.

ALL: Ooh!

Fine.

It's just a ring.

Okay, let's see what you got.

Robin has three jacks, James has... just shy of a pair of a sixes.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I'm gonna hit the gym.

Let me know if you want to get some dinner later.

Oh, we'll give you a ring, just not this one. Ho!

(laughs)

MARSHALL: You, Ted Mosby, never got me and Lily a wedding gift!

J'accuse!

I did, too, get you a gift!

It was a coffeemaker, and you never sent me a thank you note!

Oh.

So-so... me-cuse?

You-cuse!

Robin, when I said, "Be honest and say what's bothering you,"

I meant, stuff it down and never do anything about it.

How did you not get that?

It's fine. He's a grown-up.

(door opens)

What did you do to my little boy?

(thunder crackling)

Hi, Mom.

You get your brother's ring back! Mom, please don't make me take sides! That's your brother out there.

You two shared bunk beds and baseball mitts, and, when you were hungry, these supple breasts.

Arguably a little too long.

Stinsons stand up for each other.

Take care of this!

I... I'm gonna play some cards.

All right, chumps.

I'm gonna tell you what I told Frampton's guitar tech when he couldn't find a condom: let's gamble.

You gave us a coffeemaker?

Not just ah coffeemaker.

I asked what they used at your favorite coffeehouse and got you that exact... one tier down model.

And you know what you got me? Huh?

NARRATOR: No thank you note.

So I started dropping hints about it.

Do I detect a note of hazelnut?

Wedding present.

Kind of want to say thank you to that note of hazelnut.

Thank you... note.

(laughs)

Wedding... present.

Anyway...

Thank you note.

Yeah, he got it.

But you never got it!

I drank so much coffee that year, hoping you'd take the hint, my resting pulse was like the drum solo from "Wipeout."

And then, uh, Halloween rolled around.

Get me a wedding present.

On that note...

I think you'll like my costume.

Mm.

I'm a thank you note.

Thank you note. Ah.

Guess you could say that we sort of go together.

That's right, Marshall. That's right.

When someone gets you a gift, you give them a thank you note.

That is how it works.

Give a gift, get a note.

Agreed. Exactly.

Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly.

I think he got it.

Yeah. Yeah, he got it.

I have to find a bathroom.

I didn't get it!

And I thought for sure you'd get it when I sent that thank you note for the wrapping station.

"Dear Marshall and Lily, "this is a thank you note to thank yo, ufor the gift-wrapping station.

"Because even though the wedding never happened, "there's one thing that didn't leave me at the altar, and that's my manners."[/i]

I can't believe this.

Eriksens send thank you notes.

It's the one thing that we always do!

We even have a family saying about it.

"Lick it, before you stick it!"

"It" being the stamp on the thank you note, before you stick it in the mailbox.

I will make this right!

I know, right?

Hey, listen, we're about to go through a tunnel.

Guys, big dilemma.

My mom's insisting that I get Robin to give James his ring back, but Robin's refusing.

But James seems like he's really upset.

But Robin's gonna be my wife.

But James is my brother.

But Robin lets me do sex to her.

But I have to spend eternity in my mom's mausoleum.

I just wish there was a way I didn't have to take sides!

What should I do?!

(exhales)

Choose your wife.

You always choose your wife. Easy.

Got any other stumpers, like how to answe,[/i] rDoes this make me look fat?"

Well, maybe a little around the hips but no more than usual.

You're getting married, so I will deal with that one after your honeymoon.

NARRATOR: And she did.

Belize was amazi...

(groaning)

In marriage, being right is less important than being supportive.

Remember: happy wife equals happy life.

Wow, thanks. That's some great advice, Lil.

I knew I could count on you.

He's gotten very respectful with his fake listening.

Anyway, Lily, I told Marshall this already, but... don't worry about not sending a thank you note for the coffeemaker. It's cool.

Uh, we did send a thank you note for the coffeemaker.

Uh... no, you didn't.

Uh... yes, we did.

To Stuart and Claudia, the people who gave us the coffeemaker.

Uh... what?

Hey, you two!

Hey. Hey.

Hey, thanks again for that coffeemaker.

We use it all the time.

Especially when Ted's over.

Yeah, it's a great machine.

We have one at home and we love it.

Did I forget to get you a wedding gift?

What kind of monster am I?

Mosbys always give wedding gifts.

We even have an expression: "Wrap it before you tap it."

You know, wrap the gift before you tap the person on the shoulder and say, "Here's your gift."

I will make this right.

Robin? Two things: number one, are you dropping heat right now?

No. Great.

Number two.

(chuckles)

Nice. Thanks. Anyway, I came up with an amazing plan that I think will make everyone happy.

Step one: you let my mom win the ring back in a hand of poker.

Step two...

No, that's all the steps.

What do you think?

So your plan is you do absolutely nothing to get your fiancée's back.

Okay.

Let me propose a different plan.

Step one...

Good game, everybody!

(giggles)

And that's all the steps.

That's a really pretty bra, Mom.

Well, I'd better leave now before I lose any more of my dignity, the likelihood of which is increasing every moment in this very chilly room.

Oh...

(door shuts)

Not good, Robin.

Very not good.

How do you keep winning, anyway?

Well, to the keen observer, all of you Stinsons have the same very subtle tell.

Whenever you're bluffing, you say the word "bluff."

Hey, I'm hungry. Uh... should we get some bluffalo wings?

Raise you $20.

When I walked in, I saw an all-you-can-eat bluffet.

Raise $50.

Mmm... I could use a bluffberry muffin.

A blueberry bluffin. Sorry.

A bluebluffy muffbluff. All in.

I don't believe it.

Robin, you've got to give her that blouse back.

She loves that blouse.

She got those sequins from Rick James...'s open casket.

Nope. Not happening.

Woman, as your bridegroom, I command you!

We'll leave and give you guys some privacy.

(door shuts)

You, uh, want to take back that "I command you" thing?

Please can I?

Why is this so important to you?

Because it's my family.

And, so help me, you and I will never have sex again if you don't give back their bluff.

Stuff! Damn it.

Look, I just... I want to feel like you're on my side once in a while. That's all.

Look, I'm gonna be your wife, for God's sakes.

But, look, if it's... if it's that important to you, here.

Do what you want.

Thank you.

And please don't play strip poker with my mom again.

It's all kinds of confusing.

(door shuts)

(sighs)

(phone ringing)

Oh, that's where my phone is.

I wasn't eavesdropping. Hey, baby.

Lily, we were wrong the whole time.

Ted got us the coffeemaker!

He's a wonderful man!

What? No. Claudia and Stuart gave us our coffeemaker.

Ted's a rat bastard! Never mention his name again!

Your coffeemaker?

Ted got you that.

I was with him when he bought it.

I don't know what to feel!

But Stuart said he got it for us.

Stuart and Claudia checked in.

I saw them in the lobby.

Let's go get to the bottom of this.

Stuart, no B.S., did you really get us that coffeemaker for our wedding?

Of course.

What a crazy thing to ask.

They never give you enough of these things.

Oh, my God.

Ted got us that coffeemaker, and you just played it off as your gift.

You're a weasel. Admit it.

No, that's insane.

Really?

Housekeeping!

Conditioner thief!

Okay, shh, shh. Yes, I am a weasel.

I ripped the card off Ted's gift and I wrote my name on it.

Does Claudia know about this?

No. Please don't tell her.

That gift was a turning point for us.

Ah.

I got to admit, I came pretty close to leaving you.

Bags packed, plane ticket purchased, topless pics sent to your brother, the whole nine.

But seeing that you got our friends such a nice gift, ah, it just really puts you in a whole new light.

Oh.

I'm a pretty great guy. Oh.

(water running in background)

And since that day, on the foundation of that coffeemaker, we've built a strong, nurturing relationship.

Well, out of respect for your marriage, I won't say anything.

Say hi to Claudia when she gets out of the shower.

That's not Claudia. Good night.

Tap tap.

Look what I wrapped!

What?

(door opens)

(sighs)

So, I went to give James his ring back...

Glad you came to your senses.

You can't let being married keep you from being you.

It's like Tom, always telling me I spend too much time at the gym.

Exactly. Is it so wrong if you want to work out a couple times a week?

Right. Or a couple times a day.

Or a couple times...

A couple times a day? Really?

A few hours before work, a few hours after.

Only way to keep up the chocolate xylophone.

(singing notes)

Still, that's a lot of time at the gym.

Especially with two kids.

It's like I always said to Tom, "I've got to stay in shape in case I'm ever single again."

And, hello, I was right.

Oh, my God.

I think I finally understand what Lily was mumbling in my peripheral vision earlier.

I'm marrying Robin so I can be part of a team, not just some guy alone at a gym with admittedly amazing abs.

Thanks, Bro.

No. Thank you, Bro.

You're not getting this ring.

I'm always gonna have your back.

No matter what.

Thank you.

I love you. Mmm, I love you, too.

(chuckles)

(moaning)

Oh, oh! I almost didn't tell you the best part!

There's more!

Really?

James, let me spell this out for you: now that I've got Robin, we are not brothers anymore.

What?!

Uh-huh.

If you and Robin are both ever hanging from a cliff and I have one hand free, enjoy the fall.

Uh, buh-bye.

If you... Oh, Mom! Good!

You should hear this, too.

This mother-son thing... it's over.

It's been a nice few decades, but I've got a wife now, so you mean nothing to me.

Oh, and me coming over for Thanksgiving and Christmas, that's done!

No more of that!

And you know why?

Because Robin said so!

This came directly from her!

See ya, losers!

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Fiancé of the year?

(chuckles) I think I know what's next. Oh, God.

Oh, God. I can't leave this room for the rest of the weekend.

I'm sure we can find something to do, eh?

MARSHALL: Ted, I'm so sorry!

No, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have spent the last six years passive-aggressively drinking gallons of coffee around you.

And I shouldn't have taken that sewing class to learn how to make that wedding present costume.

I regret all of it. Me, too!

Except I actually don't regret that sewing class.

I learned a fun and useful lifetime skill.

But, seriously, even without the coffeemaker, you've given us more than enough.

Well, there is one more gift on the way.

Whatever it is, send it back.

(horn honks)

It's a little late for that.

Marshall Eriksen?!

Yes?!

I got your pizza!

Oh, Ted!

You are the best friend ever!

Don't say another word, Marshall.

Save it for the thank you note.

You got it, buddy!

NARRATOR: And, kids, I got that thank you note four months later.

Four months.

Uh, here's your blouse back.

Is there any way we could just, um... forget about all this?

Oh, no, dear, you keep the blouse.

Think of it as your consolation prize.

Consolation prize?

You won the battle.

But I'll win the w*r.

Game on, bitch.