03x02 - SubterrFaenean

[bunniefuu]

[music blaring]

Can someone remind me why we paid good money to fraternize with the bits we flush down the toilet?

It's art.

Is it?

Kenzi: So weird to be back here.

Aussie: Yeah...

Hey, remember that time we stole soup from Pukey Jim?

Ugh! I still horf when I smell cream of mushroom.

If he caught us, we'd be dead.

Good thing he only had one leg.

And drank furniture cleaner.

Yeah... human's aren't pathetic.

[RAWR!]

Ahhhh!

Loser.

Ugh!

Ah, Vex!

Ix-nay on the urder-may! It's all ake-may elieve-bay!

Man ... I peed my friggin' costume.

Aussie? Yo! Buddy, you ok?

Yeah... yeah, it's just stuff's been going down in these tunnels. Peeps going missing.

Hey, that's why we're here, right? Ow!

Me and Vex have dealt with some pretty mean mofo's in our day, ok?

So, if there's an evil dill-hole in these parts, we'll find him and we'll rip his change purse clean off.

I promise.

Hey, I never agreed to that.

Be nice.

So... Aussie... Is that short for Ozwald ... he said feigning interest...

No. Australia, mate.

I wanted to go ever since I was a kid, and the name kind of stuck.

But I've never even been on a plane.

At least it's an uplifting story.

Anyone ever told you you look like Robert Smith from the Cure?

Yeah, actually. Yeah, an old friend from Wales.

Amazing work they're doing with prosthetics these days.

Apparently she's walking again.

I told you to stay home.

Home? With front row tickets to the smash-up clam derby?

No thank you.

And I'll just add clams to the list with cream of mushroom, great...

♪ I pound my fist against the ground ♪
♪ The sea quakes at the sound ♪
♪ But you turn it down ♪
♪ And just watch me drown ♪
♪ And baby, don't you cry ♪
♪ Every dream's a lie ♪
♪ Just keep moving round the sun ♪
♪ 'Til we move on ♪
♪ I scorch the sands to break the glass ♪
♪ I'll be the first to be the last ♪
♪ Tied to the mast... ♪

You know... we really need to start stocking our fridge with sports drinks.

Because my Medulla Oblongata is screaming for hydration ...

I can literally feel my equilibrium ...

The geek speak is working, Doctor.

I must be the only woman in history that has to pretend to be a ditz to repel sexual attraction.

[laughing] Repel? Really?

You've got to know that I'm kidding.

I know that you're kidding.

[phone ringing]

Ugh...

Trick wants me to go by the Dal. He says it's important.

Uh huh...

Yeah...

How... how important?

He loves to exaggerate.

[music]

You have all heard of ... Bloody Mary ...

Crowd: Bloody Mary!

Bloody Mary! Bloody Mary!

The Slender Man!

Crowd: We must follow!

We must follow!

[laughter]

We must follow...

[groaning]

Crowd: We must follow...

But only one is true: The SEWER ALLIGATOR!

[RAWR!]

Did you see that?

Flushed down the toilet and out of our world... unwanted ... cast out!

I did see that.

Crowd: Ooooooh!

Girl: Ahhhh!

[crowd screaming]

It's time to jet...

AUSSIE!

AUSSIE!

Aussie...

Life is hard when you don't know who you are.

It's harder when you don't know what you are.

My love carries a death sentence.

I was lost for years... searching while hiding.

Only to find that I belong to a world hidden from humans.

I won't hide anymore.

I will live the life I choose.

3x02 - SubterrFaenean



Are you okay?

Yeah...

Yeah, I'm fine. It's just, um...

I'm fine.

Do you know that, for the last two nights that I've slept over, you've woken up screaming?

Is committing to me that terrifying?

Uh... of course not.

Go back to sleep.

Mmm...

[music]

[SMASH!]

Bo! Oh, thank god...

There was this reptile guy and he took Aussie, Albino, Pee ...

Wait. What?

Who peed? Who's Aussie?

It's short for Australia.

It was this walking tour, this Alligator Man, this Fae, he took him...

he took my friend...

Okay, calm down, Kenzi.

Vex is this true ... was this Fae?

[laughing]

Well, if he had been Fae, his acting would have been a damn sight better.

Did you know that Sir Lawrence Olivier...

No, not the performance, Brit-pop, the att*ck.

Well, it did have a certain panache. So, yeah, probably.

Bo, we have to go find him. Now.

Yes, Kenzi, of course. Let's go, Vex.

Sorry, love, no can do.

Real Housewives Marathon begins in five.

Mother, may I k*ll the free loader?

He's not worth the sweat, sweetie. Enjoy our chips.

Oh, and know this, if you go near my girlfriend, the little balls hanging from our Christmas tree next year will have a certain panache.

Hook up illegal cable and what do I get?

Threats against my junk. Typical.

[music]

♪ Come laugh way who you are and get down ♪
♪ We are what we are now you're found ♪
♪ To the sun or the bears and the g*ns ♪
♪ We taking all our vows with your frown ♪
♪ Come on, get down come on, get down ♪
♪ Make a mess, make a vow... ♪

Twenty bucks if you k*ll the white-boy.

New baby mama, Ice?

Tempting, but no.

If you're Dyson, I'm your new partner.

[whack]

[snarling]

[whack]

Bet on the wrong guy again. Story of my life.

You should get that looked at.

I'm Tamsin.

Never heard anything about a new partner.

Yeah, well... don't you just love surprises?

What's that?

I hate to break up this little love fest we're having but... there's a sewer alligator sighting, so we're up.

Sewer alligator, huh?

Mm-hmm.

All right... quarantined Fae under the city ...

They can't still be alive, can they?

Oh, they're there.

And they're causing all kinds of stanks... so, we gotta "take care" of them. If you catch my drift.

No, that was a little subtle... maybe you could do it again with sound effects.

You're funny. Almost.

Says here... two Fae city workers have also been taken.

And tall, dark and scaly att*cked a human walking tour outside a heavily populated arts festival.

Risked outing the Fae... bad boy.

Well, that cannot make the Ash happy...

I wouldn't know. I report to The Morrigan.

Excuse me?

Yeah. Didn't you know?

You and I are part of a little peace project between Dark and Light ...

You should read your newsletter.

I just do the crossword.

Hmmm...

And att*ck poor, defenseless humans apparently.

Yeah, well...

Ice smacked his wife around a few weeks ago...

He was gonna go down for it too until he "convinced" her not to testify.

Thought I'd return the favour.

So, you're a hero too.

How did you know that storm drain would take us down here?

Well, when Dorothy clicked her ruby red shoes, she would go to Kansas...

I on the other hand... would come here.

What?

After I ran away, this was my home.

Met some guys on the street, said they lived in a tent city on the abandoned subway line.

b*at sleeping on a bench.

Kenzi...

This one time, I got pneumonia ... my fever was so high, I started to hallucinate, I crawled into some fat guy's tent, thinking it was my mama's bed. And... it wasn't.

I started screaming and that's how I met Aussie.

He couldn't have been more than 13, but... he saved me.

There is still so much about you that I don't know.

Well, I'm a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, shrouded with... Oh, sookie sookie now.

Well, when I was running from life to life, I never had to resort to living below ground.

Well, for us humans finding accommodations isn't as easy as convincing some poor schlep he's in love with you with one touch of your soft, Succu-busty hand.

I'm sorry, that... that came out wrong.

No, no, I get it.

[phone ringing]

Oh, crap...

How's my favorite grampy?

Thinking about getting blind drunk.

Oh... bartender ...

Momma's gone a little dry again.

Why? What's wrong?

I took the liberty of contacting a Weaver to help you with your night terrors.

You got me a Dream Weaver?

Kind of.

Weavers are mystics.

They specialize in finding out what is haunting a person.

Someone is ignoring me...

Right now she's specializing in haunting me ...

Drunk old wind bag...

Trick!

Trick: Sorry...

The last eight hours have been the hardest of my life.

When will you be here?

Well, the thing is, Trick... is Kenzi's friend was snatched and, well, I'm underneath the city... looking for him.

Of course you are.

Well, perhaps we could postpone this whole thing...

I'm sure Eunice has other places to be.

Uh uh...

No. I would love to stay...

Especially if a handsome barkeep has a place for me to... rest my head... and my hands.

[whispering]

Please hurry.

Oh, man ... he is miserable.

Then why are you smiling?

Because one night being chased around his lair might do him some good.

Dead end.

Great. Now what?

[music]

[GASP!]

[GASP!]

At least he eats organic...

Didn't do much for his eyesight, though.

[music]

What is this place?

I don't know...

[murmurs]

[music]

They're Fae and they live like animals.

Animals that took my friend.

Foot... foot... boot...

[GASP!]

Would you believe we took a wrong turn at Albuquerque?

I do hope you haven't been treated too poorly.

My brethren possess a verve when dealing with trespassers that I fear can be a touch dramatic.

Look, we are not trespassers...

Young Lady...

I assume you were brought up in civilization.

Did you not learn how pedestrian it is to interrupt your host when he is pontificating on your unexpected arrival?

You may speak now.

Bo: I'm sorry...

You abduct my friend and you want me to be polite...

No, I want to be left alone!

Most people that want to be left alone don't att*ck tourists or chow down on Fae soldiers.

You see, sight is a funny thing.

One of the five senses, but... not one of our finest.

You live in the dark as long as I have and you lose your reliance on it... only then, can you truly begin to live in the light.

To know what is right.

What is right?

Ripping a man to shreds is barbaric.

What you saw in that wheelbarrel was merely an oily bit of toast after a long, dry wintery season.

A fatted calf... to mark the end of a great fasting.

So... disgruntled audience member trying to rid the world of nerds, or sewer Alligator annoyed by bad portrayal?

Take a look at these...

Take a look at these incisions... they look like they were made by teeth, but...

But...

The incisions don't have an actual bite pattern...

You saying it's been faked?

[sniffing]

What is it?

Something familiar.

And... secret.

You know, if I didn't know better, Dyson... I'd swear you didn't want a new partner.

I can see why they made you a detective.

Well. You better not be holding anything back, because like it or not, we've been ordered by the powers on high to play nice.

Yeah, well, orders or no orders, I've been around long enough to know I'd be a fool to trust someone from your team.

My team? Do you mean Dark Fae or women?

You touch my friend and things are going to get a lot less civilized.

What she means by less civilized is that you're cruising for a gas pedal.

I used to live above ground, you know.

Didn't have much... a paid appointment, showing my unfortunate visage to Fae nobles... at dinner parties and tableau balls.

I did however have a wife and child.

Unlike me... they were magnificent.

I returned home one day to find them following a man in black... said we were being quarantined.

That our poor quality of life had lead to an outbreak of a most deadly disease.

"Help me, daddy."

"Help me, Atticus."

See, when I too was in line, marching to the music like a toy soldier.

'Course the disease was merely a means to an end.

To what end?

Shoving all the poor, huddled masses down here was just a bit like sweeping the dirt under the rug.

No one actually got sick until after we were shut inside this cavern.

I should have predicted it, though... my modest home did have a coveted ocean view.

Been trying to resist the urge for revenge.

If I could just remember what the man looked like...

We just want Aussie. You took him! I saw you!

Sight cannot be trusted, my dear.

Just give him back!

[whack]

[HISS!]

Okay!

Bo: We believe you. We'll leave you in peace.

Bo! I'm not going anywhere...

Kenzi...

Peace?

You ladies know your way to the surface?

No, actually. It's okay, Kenz...

I was hoping you'd say that.

Kenzi: No, no!!!

Bo...

Bo?

[coughing]

[as Vex]: So... go on then.

How was it to finally consummate your marriage?

Ugh...

Oh God, my head...

What... what happened?

How did we get here?

I don't know, but if I had to guess, I'd say years of latent sexual tension?

Last thing I remember is being at the cistern chapel, and then we got croc blocked.

He gassed us.

The Sewer Alligator. And then I remember...

Being in the throws of passion with your bestie?

Are you wearing my Kimono again?

Oh, it's all right. I had it altered.

Yes, now, it fits me to perfection.

[whacking]

OW!

Not even the likes of Ebenezer Scrooge would sink so low as to b*at a cr*pple!

[whack]

Ahem...

Ow!

Sorry, the door was open.

So... you're the Bo I've heard so much about.

Yeah.

Who the hell are you?

Thanks for coming in.

Sure.

Why don't you have a seat?

Thanks...

How have you been?

Good...

...good. You?

I've been great... good... I'm good.

You know, um... good. As well.

Quite the interrogation technique, Detective.

Interrogation?

[laughing]

What is this about?

Look, Bo, last night we were investigating the old subway tunnels. And I... smelled your perfume. Shall we say...

Kenzi's friend, Aussie, was snatched by some underground Fae.

We went in to get him back.

Well, these same Fae have been taking other humans in the open as well.

But, more importantly, a couple of Fae city workers have gone missing.

We've been ordered to exterminate them.

Well, I don't know anything about city workers, but I did see a dead S.W.A.T. guy down there.

S.W.A.T.? Are you sure?

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Have you always been a litter bug?

Excuse me?

Do you always leave your food around for other people to clean up?

Tamsin, what's this about?

No, I didn't...

Didn't what?

Know feeding off of other Fae was punishable by death?

No, this looks like my feed, but I haven't...

Bo... stop talking...

Did you know he was Dark Fae when you sucked him dry like a crab leg??

Detective...

What am I going to do with you?

What am I going to tell the Morrigan?

Why don't you tell her to shove it?

Hang on one second here... your new partner is Dark Fae?!

Where were you one week ago at 11 PM?

Are you kidding me?!

She was with me. Getting out of Hecuba prison.

Huh...

Prison. Well... at least we know it wasn't somewhere suspicious.

[music]

Come on, little buddy, pick up...

Listen... you're not leaving until you come clean about your little bedtime snack ... who, by the way ... is resting happily in a coma.

Your fault.

You know... Dyson...

If Kenzi's friend is still down there, he could get caught in the crossfire when you guys go in...

I'm sorry, was there something else.

Bo... The Sewer Alligator is...

Atticus. His name is Atticus.

Atticus is threatening to out the Fae. We're under strict orders here.

Look, Kenzi took this case to help Aussie on her own.

He was grabbed right in front of her, Dyson.

She feels responsible.

I'll do everything I can to find him, keep him safe. That's the best I can do.

Thank you.

Okay... as good as this little Bad Cop, Horny Cop routine is, I'm getting a coffee. Do you want one?

Wow... your new partner's a real peach.

Yeah, that's not the word I'd use... at least she's easy on the eyes, though.

Yeah. She's bonafide marriage material.

[SLAM!]

What the hell is this sh*t?

She an ex, or something?

Hmm? One night stand?

Hey, let's get something straight.

It's not okay for you to ambush me.

If you have information on a suspect, you tell me!

Up front!

Who is she?

Are you in love with this girl?

I know she didn't do it.

Because when God was handing out brains you took a second d*ck?

Because Bo has been feeding cleanly and safely for two years.

This isn't about me and her... this is about the facts.

Okay... the coffee was a bit much...

Yeah, you think?

But... there are still a lot of facts that lead to Bo.

Look... if we are going to be partners, you need to learn to control yourself.

Well, thanks again, Sergeant.

I'll be sure to have your Detectives back in one piece.

The Mayor gets what the Mayor wants.

I'll tell him at the next council meeting when I'm blowing smoke up his ass.

Walk with me.

Get the door...

[music]

Is there a problem?

No! No problem.

I just... love my partner so much, I want to...

[whack]

Punch him.

I've heard a certain Succubus found her way into the tunnels... and the Alligator?

Please tell me that's not right? That's not right, right?

Look...

Bo's friend was taken by the Subterranean Fae.

And if I know Bo...

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

If I know Bo, she's not going to rest until he's good and rescued.

I don't need this stress.

I am telling you, I have enough on my plate...

Let me go down first. I'll find the kid, that should appease Bo.

May I remind you these Fae are infected. If that kid's down there, he could be a regular Typhoid Mary by this point.

Saving him is not an option. That is a direct order from The Ash.

You do remember The Ash? Used to be your partner?

Yes, I remember him. Quite fondly.

Not to mention my job is on the line big time.

I can't keep telling the Mayor there's a gas leak... he's getting suspicious and fiery ... I don't mean full of flames, he's going to fire my ass. Then the Fae will have lost the Mayor's office as well as 39th Division.

The Succubus is locked up... keep her locked up!

And bring me my skinned reptile.

I love her... she's just so pretty...

That bitch is doomed.

We don't have much time...

Bo, what if Aussie's already...

What if he's...

Kenzi... we will find him.

[knocking on door]

Oh, sh*t...

Kenzi?

Aussie...

OMG!

I was so worried about you!

I thought I'd never see you again.

What... what happened?

What are you talking about?

I saw you at Nuit Sombre, we went for drinks, and I said I'd call you.

Sweetie... you were kidnapped.

Yeah? And what did the ransom note say?

To Whom It May Concern?

Why are you guys screwing with me? We went for drinks, and...

[clears throat]

I said I'd call you...

Oh, Aussie!

What's happening to me?

It's okay, babe...

I was... we were... why can't I remember?

I think I know someone who may be able to help.

Put this over his eyes.

Why don't you do it?

Because he's dirty and he smells.

I can hear you.

It's ok, babe. She can help... even if she can't help herself.

Just pluck a greasy hair from him and hand it to me.

It's not greasy, okay? It's gel.

Okay, ready?

Ugh...

Not sure how I feel about having an unclaimed ...

[whispering] that ... on my premises while I have 60

[whispering] Ogres ... upstairs for a Rugby Club reunion.

Aussie: I know who you're talking about.

Shut up, everyone! I need total quiet.

And Tricky baby... you owe me a private dinner 'cause I don't work with filthy humans ... ever.

Humans? What?

Relax, relax, relax... just breath... there's no place like home.

There's no place like home. Just... breath.

Now... let's see what haunts you.

[GASP!]

St. Thomas Shipyard.

In the 1700's my kegs would come from the old country by boat... that's where I picked them up.

Aussie must have been held in the container yard.

How do you know it's the Thomas shipyard?

That priest is St. Thomas.

Are you sure?

The bible is normally held in the right hand, but yes.

Aussie... look at me... just hold on, ok?

Trick: You two go... I'll watch the boy.

Go, go, go!

Why isn't there an app for navigating shipyards?

There's an app for turning people into Zombies.

Stay calm, Kenz, ... we'll find them.

Bo, there is no container 2851. They don't go past 2000.

That's because, it was backwards.

We were seeing it as a mirror image.

That's why Trick said the Bible was in the wrong hand.

We're not looking for container 2851...

We're looking for container 1285.

Oh...

Come on...

[music]

Okay...

Okay, ready? On three...

One, two, two and a half... three...

[music]

...can you describe me how you left her just waltz out... ?

Hey, Tamsin. We need to talk.

Ah!

Thanks for coming back. Was beginning to think I wasn't gonna get to kick your cute little ass today.

Oh, relax, bitch. I brought gifts.

Recognize any of these faces?

Ugh...

You must have some King Kong sized balls to just waltz back in here after what you pulled!

I don't think Atticus att*cked those kids at Nuit Sombre.

Big balls and a theory.

They were being held above ground.

Atticus and his Fae can no longer exist in sunlight... he lit a torch when I was down there and it looked like he might burst into flames.

Maybe he wanted you to think that so he'd get off the hook for nabbing humans and...

The kids were bleeding from nose and eyes just like the Fae underground ...

They've caught the disease...

So, why didn't he k*ll Kenzi and I when he had the chance, huh?

No. He gassed us, he brought us to our home.

He put us in bed! Does that sound like a cold-blooded k*ller to you?

Bo, I need you to stay out of this!

Let us do our job. Please.

[knocking]

[music]

Just trust me...

Okay...

Aren't you supposed to be watching her?

Can someone please try to explain to me why you two aren't down in the tunnels solving our little problem?

Bo found the humans that were taken from Nuit Sombre.

Not to mention a few others that have gone missing.

Have you ever considered that Atticus isn't behind these att*cks?

Holy, mother... are you and this reptile on a first name basis now?

You guys gonna get a fantasy baseball league on the go...

You're under a direct order to eliminate those fae!

I want it done, now.

You know, maybe I should take this up with The Ash.

You remember The Ash, don't you? My old partner.

I still love her... she's so pretty...

Yeah...

Things are about to get very bad for you Detective.

You know if I didn't hate Bo so much ...

I might actually start to like her.

She has that effect on people.

You sure this is the way?

Passed a tapped city water pipe about a half mile back been following rat boy's spills ever since.

Smartie Pants.

There he is... The Singing Millionaire.

I thought we were calling him Detective Power Balls.

You guys call me whatever you wanna call me.

Just don't call me broke like your sorry asses ...

You win the lottery and that makes you a better person than us?

Gentlemen, the Lottery chooses the winner.

Of course it makes me better than all of you...

Hey... I came as fast as I could. What's the trouble?

I'm having a little issue with how you want me to deal with the subterranean Fae.

I think we need a proper investigation...

Okay, trust me.

Look, T's have been crossed and all the I's got eyes.

I know it seems a little cold but they'll like their new home.

New home?

Yeah, the old guard dealt with these Faes wrong.

Relocating them is the right thing to do... and not just because we need to put in that new subway line.

Relocating? Right.

Thanks, bro.

Did it just get real cold down here?

I'm getting a bad feeling about this ...

[music]

The music... it's so pretty... like a lullaby... or birds... or a funeral dirge to a death march...

Show me the way in.

Show me the secret way in.

It's here...

[music]

What the hell was that?

What are you?

Well, I've had many names over the years ... the Slender Man ... the Erlkonig...

But you probably know me best as the Pied Piper...

Stop hurting her.

Make me.

You caused this!

Those Fae were never sick.

This is how you feed.

Clever girl.

I wonder what the Fae elders would say about you feeding on other Fae, huh?

It's kind of a no-no, ain't it?

But it tastes so good.

I was just supposed to bring the Fae down here then release them from my power but how could I?

Once you've had Kobe Beef how do you go back to chuck?

Do you understand the power that I wield?

If they have eyes, they're mine. And it's delicious.

They get transfixed by the music they hear.

In the old days, I used to carry a pipe so mortals would put it down to black magic.

[whistling]

It was cute.

[laughing]

Yeah...

Something to tell the mothers of the children I stole.

You're despicable.

You of all people know what I'm talking about.

With that messy little Dark Fae feed you left out in the open not two days ago.

Bo, what is he talking about?

I do hope you can forgive the intrusion... but I haven't heard that voice in over 90 years.

Hello, Atticus.

Robert Hamelin... the man in black.

Now, I remember.

Funny, how 90 years ago, I couldn't take my eyes off you...

How are you... No one can resist me!

And for that, I have you to thank.

See, once you've lived in the dark as long as I have you lose your reliance on your eyes until eventually sight leaves you altogether ...

Only then can you truly begin to live in the light.

Ahhhh!

Ugh...

[Dyson snarling]

[Rawr!]

It's over Hamelin. I'm taking you in.

I got a better idea.

These two have a lot to talk about.

Maybe you would like to be left alone, Atticus?

It's all I've ever wanted.

Now... if ya'll kindly close the door.

Go for it, babe.

[whack]

You, sir... you will answer for my wife and child.

[growling]

Ahhh!

[whack-whack]

[Laughing]

[whack-whack]

[laughing]

[whack-whack]

[whack]

You had enough?

Yeah. I've had enough.

I've had enough of you and that Bo girl.

Bo? Do I know a Bo?

[whack]

That... is for ditching me in the middle of a case to go play hero with your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend.

You know, Dyson... there's so much more to life than that unaligned cooz.

Does that blood in your mouth taste good?

Yeah.

[music]

Do I taste good?

Yeah.

But I still don't want a new partner.

Neither do I.

So, are we cool?

I moved that Fae that Bo fed off to the Dark Compound...

When he wakes up, she's going to have to pay for what she did.

When Bo goes down for feeding off one of mine ... then we'll be cool.

As soon as Hamelin was k*lled, the underground Fae, Aussie and Kenzi all stopped being sick.

He'd been feeding off those Fae for almost a hundred years.

Framing Atticus by snatching humans in public and risking outing our kind is not only stupid ... it was cruel.

The Fae owe you yet another debt of gratitude.

Well, I'm just glad they've finally been relocated.

Okay... gorgeous. Let's lay down and relax...

I'm gonna be with you in a second...

This is private for her.

If you stay, it's like reading her diary.

Bo: Hey... it's okay.

Trick: Okay...

All right...

Be brave.

And remember... I am right here with you.

Okay.

Now... let's see what is haunting you... and your dreams.

[music]

I have to leave...

What? Why? What did you see?

You know what? It was so... beautiful.

I think it was something you ate.

[music]

Why are people always lying to me?