03x05 - Fae's Wide Shut

[bunniefuu]

[ music ]

So... which one of these jokers is going down?

Poor things... they have no idea what they're getting into.

How about I break that stallion's back?

He's a Hydra.

Nine heads.

I see only one.

Not those kinds of heads.

Oh...

Mmhmm.

Oh... okay.

Well, there's that perky, young thing.

I bet she smells like daffodils.

Well, it'll be a while before she blooms ... she's taken a thousand-year vow of chastity.

I could make her change her mind.

You're an irresistible, unstoppable sex machine ... who I wish I could keep up with.

Are you sure this is what you want?

Trick: What evening adventures are afoot for the loveliest ladies in the six counties?

Well... I'm working on some new injections to curb Bo's hunger.

She's developed a resistance to the old ones ... and since I can't keep up with her voracious sexual appetite, we're looking for someone who can...

...satisfy her coital requirements.

So many glasses... must polish...

What I mean is ... this is what I want.

I want you.

And yes, dating a Succubus is not without its challenges.

But... the secret to any relationship is trust.

And understanding.

And compromise.

Wow... you are being so mature about this.

Are you sure? Really sure?

As long as you follow the one rule ...

No wolf. Got it.

Besides, it'll give my tired pubococcygeus a well deserved rest.

[ laughing ]

[ music ]

Both: Her.

Game on...

Hey, baby ...

Hey...

You're back early.

Yeah...

Is everything OK?

Yeah, fine, totally, uh...

The conference finished a little early, so...

You look so nice.

This?

Oh you know, I'm just trying something different.

You like?

Yeah...

What's wrong, baby?

Ugh...

I'm sorry...

Graeme... what happened?

There's something... I have to tell you...

Ahhh!

Ahhhhh!

Oh, God...

Life is hard when you don't know who you are.

It's harder when you don't know what you are.

My love carries a death sentence.

I was lost for years...

Searching while hiding...

Only to find that I belong to a world hidden from humans.

I won't hide anymore.

I will live the life I choose.

3x05 - Faes Wide Shut

[ music ]

...acidity ... 7.35... amylase ... sixty units per litre... nitrogen...

[ moaning / banging ] thirty micrograms per deca-litre...

Is this going to take long?

Pardon?

The bed antics.

It just keeps going, like a Grateful Dead jam...

Well, you know... science takes time.

Keep calm and carry out experiments.

Does that mean you'll be underfoot, "experimenting", for quite some time?

Well, once Bo reaches...

[ clatter! ]

...completion, I'll gather some more blood samples and compare them to her baselines. So I can improve her treatments.

I'm guessing that the key is to suppress the spike of hydroxyprogesterone...

[ moaning ]

[gasp ]

It's on! She wants our help! I gotta go tell Bo...

No, no, no, Kenzi... no... now's not really a great time...

Kenzi: Oh, Bo-Bo!

Lauren: And oh my lord, there's choking.

Drop everything!

I found this total amaze-balls case for us!

Maybe a topic for conversation at a more non-naked time, Kenzi.

I'm... sorry.

Hi! How are you?

I was great.

As we speak, humans are dying.

They're going all gloopy, slipping into slime, liquefying on their loved ones.

They need our help, Bo. And they need it stat.

I'm kind of in the middle of something, Kenzi.

No, you're right. Knocking bits is way more important than saving lives.

I've been online for hours, looking for people who might need our help.

Since when do you do that?

One of us has to keep an eye out. Evil never sleeps ... even if we're having "sleep-overs."

Right...

Anyway, I've been IM-ing with this human lady; she's been posting on all these self-help medical-crypto-con spiracy-whack-nut chat boards begging for help.

What happened?

Her husband came home from a business trip and turned to green ooze right in front of her.

Just as she was trying to raise his "interest."

Oh...

Well, it sounds like Fae involvement, but it could be anything. Has she called the police?

She didn't have to. Before she could dial 911, the so-called authorities showed up and Molly Maided the mess away ... and get this, they took his suitcase, and they took his phone, and they said that they would be in touch after their "investigation."

Something tells me she's going to be waiting a long time.

I'm guessing a group of Fae covered up their tracks after a feed got away.

I hate to say it, but I'm not sure what good I'd be right now.

Seriously?

What if other humans are in danger? Don't you care about my kind?

Well, no... Kenzi, I didn't mean that at all.

I just... well, I need some time to...

Fine. I just thought it would be something we could do together, Bo and Kenzi to the rescue, you know?

I haven't seen much of you. Lately.

Never mind, it's stupid...

No. Kenzi.

We'll look into this.

We should get to work right away.

I'll see if there's any evidence left behind, before it deteriorates.

Right right away?

Oh, well... Kenzi and I can go ahead and then we'll catch up with you after...

Great! Thanks!

And, Bo, I left... a cup... by the sink.

For when you're done.

Thanks, I'm already so thirsty...

No... no, no... it's for your...

...sample!

For my... science!

You want to go?

So much.

We were having problems. The spark wasn't there, you know?

In the bedroom.

He said it was work, he was tired, he was stressed...

I was trying to spice things up, but it's like the more I tried, the more bored he got, the more he pulled away...

And now he's a puddle.

[ crying ]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

What's your show called again?

"Paranormal Hot-vestigators."

And when do the cameras get here?

[ door opening ]

Graeme?!

Graeme, baby, why aren't you answering your phone?

Are you OK, baby??

Who the hell are you?

I'm Delia. Graeme's, um... lover.

Where is he?

Uh, he kicked the bucket.

Uh, he kicked the bucket... um-lover.

No, that's impossible. I was just with him!

I knew it ... I knew he was cheating on me.

He wasn't cheating.

He was emotionally true to me. He loved me.

What did you do to him?!

That's what we at "Paranormal Hot-vestigators" are investigating.

He said he was finally going to tell you.

And he did ... and you k*lled him!

More like he was going to give you up, wasn't he?

And so you poisoned him!

[ slap ]

Owww!

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Bo!

Stop it!

Bo: Hey, hey, hey... Easy...

You know, one day we'll get past women stabbing each other in the back and clawing each other's eyes out... for a guy.

Now... I'd like to welcome everyone to Bo's first-ever two-for-one special.

We'll start with you.

Tell me everything.

Graeme and I have been together forever. Like, six months at least.

We were soul mates.

Of course you were.

Every time that he was "away on business"?

He was shacked up with me, just down the street.

He kept saying he was going to move in...

Did you ever get up to anything unusual?

Hang out with any weird people?

Well, there was this one cool club we liked to go to.

We were there last night before he just... you know... ran off on me...

What "club?"

[ music ]

Mmmmm... Smorgasbord.

[ music ]

Wow... I haven't seen this many delicious buns since bake-off night at The Dal.

Just think of wrinkled old men and their wrinkled old raisins.

[ phone ringing ]

Dr. Lewis' lover.

Lauren: Hi. Graeme was liquefied by a Fae secretion.

The substance rapidly broke down his cells once it entered his body.

Secretions inside him?

You think maybe our little horndog Graeme was bumping uglies with some weird Fae?

That would be my guess.

This would be the place for it.

I think Hefner summers here.

Can I get you something to eat? He looks... dee-lish.

Graeme may have infected both his wife and his girlfriend.

I'm working on an antidote.

I'll see if I can find a randy Fae and keep it from molesting any more soft, warm humans...

What are you wearing?

You feeling alright?

The sexual energy in this place really goes to eleven.

Okay... great... have fun!

Oh, hey! BTW, what was up with that whacked-out voicemail you left me yesterday?

I was!

There was this 2-for-1 sausage dealio and I wanted to know if you wanted one but you didn't pick up so I ate both of them and life was good.

That's pretty much exactly what I guessed.

Welcome. M'lady. Roman requests your presence.

I'll take point. You stay here, see if you can figure out which Fae are getting jiggy with the humans.

But leave me your phone... for pics. Mine's outta juice.

[ music ]

She's Fae. Dumped within the last couple of hours, I'd say.

Well, somebody went to town on her.

Patterned contusions abrasions ...

I'm guessing strangulation.

Can't know for sure without an autopsy.

Let's take her to Lauren.

[ tense sound ]

What?

Second scent.

Also Fae?

Yeah...

Bo.

M'lady...

As I live and breathe... the Succubus in my club.

Mi Bacchanal es su Bacchanal. {*spa?}

Now when you say Bacchanal ...

Roman the Bacchus, at your service.

I gorge myself on debauchery. We Bacchi were revered by the ancient humans for throwing the best soirees.

Enjoy my hospitality...

Wow... a little bit of Fae ecstasy goes a long way...

Who do you think helped the humans come up with that little pill?

Now... to what do I owe the pleasure?

Well, Roman...

I hear you're the guy to see about, what else?

Sex.

A Succubus, seeking me out for sex ... you do me honour, you enticing creature.

I'm all, uh... ears.

How 'bout a little privacy?

So... you seem like a man of the world.

You certainly know how to throw a party.

You should see this place after hours.

Black tie. Often nothing else.

[ giggling ]

What's the craziest thing you've ever done in bed?

Sleep.

Dyson: We brought you a patient.

Yeah... I don't think she's going to make it.

We want to know what k*lled her.

Where was she found?

The tracks... by Bo's house.

Any sign of struggle on the scene?

No ... she was moved there post-mortem.

Cause of death ... allergic reaction to a Succubus?

By any chance?

Instead of the blunt force trauma and severe... lacerations that are fairly obvious?

We wouldn't want to rule out any possibilities.

You know, have a k*ller roaming the streets or something.

Mmhmm...

I'll do a full autopsy.

Thank you.

Hey! You always do dissections this close to your kitchen?

Occasionally.

Oh, ever switch a liver for liver?

Rarely...

Victim's face ring any bells?

I've never seen her before.

And I don't appreciate being treated like a criminal.

Let us know when you have a C.O.D.

[ tense music ]

New message:

"The girl from the bar is dead. Call me, luv Lauren."

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

Key holders only...

[ hiss ]

You taste like spiced cocoa on my palette.

Well, you should see what I'm like on the rest of you.

So... you big Bacchus, you...

Which Fae are getting intimate with humans around here?

I don't keep track of all the shucking ...

And besides, people expect anonymity in a place like this.

Oh... I think you're lying...

I think you do know.

Because a bad, bad boy sent someone to clean up... a bad, bad mess.

What kind of mess?

Something caused a human... to go all gooey.

Sorry, darling... your cheap Succubus tricks are not doing it for me.

[ laughing ]

Cheap, my ass.

I'll have you know my so-called tricks routinely get a standing ovation.

So why the hell are you such a dud?

Hm...

Thanks for the hospitality, Roman.

You certainly know how to show a girl a good time.

Anytime, Succubus. Come again ... I know I will.

I think you should pay a visit to the dead human's wife.

And his girlfriend too.

And the Succubus?

If she returns ... cut her throat.

Tall, dark, and caffeinated...

I'll take one of those...

Bo, you can't be here right now...

Geez, give me two minutes...

I had myself a delightful visit to Club Liberalia last night.

The Bacchanalian club?

Trust me ... it was all business.

I'm following up on this dead human thing I'm working on.

I think the owner... Roman... might be connected to a guy who got slimed...

That's great, Bo, but now is not the time.

Just tell me, am I on the right track?

Maybe ... Roman's Light Fae.

If he's leaving a trail of dead humans, that's a concern.

Dead humans, huh?

It's the trail of dead Fae that really had me sit up and tweet.

Know that one?

[ music ]

Yeah, check again... it's only been, like, two minutes.

I told Bo to meet me here, she's not even answering my text.

I have something to tell her, I don't know where she is.

Cop shop. She went to talk to Dyson. Alone.

Why?

Why not?

That woman from the other night? Her body turned up.

The cupcake Bo was eating in bed? So?

So, I didn't tell Dyson that I knew her... or even that Bo... knew her.

No biggie.

No biggie? I should have called Bo.

You have a secret about Bo. Dyson has a secret about Bo.

Everyone's got secrets.

Excuse me?

Oop... fabulous boot in mouth again.

Kenzi...

Well, clearly, something's been up with the wolfman.

Have you seen how he looks at her?

Well, yeah, he's been acting kind of... but, I just thought that...

That you were imagining things?

Bo wouldn't keep something like that from me.

You think? She did nail him behind your back.

"To heal"... yeah, sure...

Hey, that doesn't mean you won't be the first to get a Valentine's Day card.

Lauren, you are the best thing that has ever happened to Bo, honestly.

I'm only telling you this 'cause I don't want you to be sideswiped.

Because if it is true that Dyson still loves Bo...

Trick: What are we talking about?

The case.

What do you have so far?

Human goo.

Sexually-transmitted Fae gunk, Bacchus sex club, mystery door.

Mystery door?

Initiates only ... you need a special key to get in.

I might have... one of those keys.

What can I say ... it was the 70s. The 1870s.

But, back then, it was more of a social club.

Hmmm...

"social club", do tell.

Just racy daguerreotypes.

Monthly themed bashes.

But believe you me ... there's no bash like a Bacchinalian bash.

Uh-huh...

Of course, there was nothing Dark about the scene back then.

Nothing dangerous.

Totes. Is that the key?

I wonder... maybe I should go with you.

I knew Roman long ago and if there's trouble at the club, I might be able to talk to him.

You wanna get kinky at a sex club with your granddaughter?

That is in no way what I said.

I'm sure Bo would appreciate you taking on the "grandfather" role...

I am her grandfather.

Technically. But...

Nevermind.

What?

Look, I'm sure Bo is happy to have you in her life, but you knew about her, for like, what, thirty years, and you did nothing to find her.

She needed her family, and you weren't there.

Did Bo tell you this?

I see. Well then... you should go without me.

I think it's for the best, Trickster.

How much do I owe you for the beer, barkeep?

Very funny.

Cool. Freebie.

[ music ]

What was the nature of your interaction with the dead woman?

Social.

You were friends?

Friendly.

Look, Bo, we found her body by the tracks a block away from your place.

And what we're wondering here is ... how did she get there?

You think that I did this?

Well, you don't even remember how she left your apartment.

Yes, I do.

How?

In one piece.

Yes, I had sex with her. But I didn't k*ll her.

One body with my scent on it, does not make me a m*rder*r.

Two.

What?

Two bodies. If you count the Dark Fae in a coma.

I...

I...

Okay, yes, it's starting to...

So it's another Succubus! Or someone who's trying to frame me!

[ laughing ]

Oh, that old chestnut.

Bo...

say nothing without your lawyer.

Kenzi ...

Bo had nothing to do with that girl's death.

I was so there.

I watched the bitch walk out the door with my own eyes.

Well, that's a convenient alibi.

Come on, Bo, let's get out of here.

I got the key we need, so it's time Betty and Veronica got back to saving the world.

Dyson: Bo... we can't hold you.

But just so you know, Lauren is examining the body.

So I'm free to go back to the club then.

Absolutely. Have fun ...

I know we will.

Excuse me?

Well, we'll be coming with you.

Until we cr*ck this case, I'm going to be your very sexy shadow.

[ music ]

Kenzi, did you really see that girl leave?

Sure. Which dress ... purple or blue?

I need to know that you actually watched her walk out the door.

Bo, this is not a happy-time convo.

I totally watched hot pants make her hot exit.

Now, let's just concentrate on the fun. Of us together!

Post sex club? We should totally hit the casino at Niagara.

Ambush hug!

Kenzi, you hate casinos.

Or as you call them, "amateur hour for suckers."

I say a lot of crazy things, but at least I'm loyal.

Meaning?

Honey, why do you think the cops are hot on your tail?

Lauren spilled everything.

That the girl was in your bed. The whole choking thing.

Lauren told them that?

Yeah, she was pretty torn up about it.

But you know how she is ... duty before booty.

[ phone ringing ]

Is that my phone?

Oh yeah...

[ phone ringing ]

Oh... speak of the devil.

[ phone ringing ]

Hey, Lauren... we were just talking about you.

Are you all right? Did you talk to Dyson?

Yeah, well, he did most of the talking.

Interrogating, actually.

I'm so sorry. I texted you.

Yeah...

I didn't get it. But... thanks.

Anyway, look, I think I've found a remedy for the Fae secretion.

Well, look, I'm headed back to the club now, but I'll shut down whatever's going on, and bring the infected to you.

Okay, look... be careful.

I'll be fine. Dyson is coming with.

He is?

I'm kind of a suspect now.

But it's fine ... nothing like having your ex on your ass in a sex club.

Okay... well, have fun.

[ music ]

Funny... Bo didn't tell me to dress for the Sex Ball.

Yeah, I wonder why. So what's your angle here, huh?

You want to watch Bo not k*ll someone?

Maybe I just want to see the Succubus in her natural element.

She didn't do it.

Okay...

Detectives.

Ladies.

[ music ]

Lauren?

[ music ]

Hey guys... where've you been?

Let's go...

So, what gives?

I give. I mean, I will... give.

I brought the antidote. The virus may not effect Fae, but I have to treat the affected humans before the substance mutates ... which very well could happen if it keeps jumping the species barrier.

Right... time to use what the good goddess gave me.

[ music ]

This way to the party?

Only if you got the ticket.

[ music ]

Roman Tyresius...

In the flesh.

We're here in the name of the Light ...

And the Dark.

Oh, my, my ... did someone get her chocolate in his peanut butter?

Looks like you're having quite the love-fest, Roman.

[ chuckling ]

Is this a raid?

Because I can assure you that the high officials of both the Light and the Dark who frequent my club will have something to say about it.

You've got the wrong idea, Roman. We're just here to look around.

Well, by all means... I think you'll find there's lots to see.

[ music ]

Psst! Hood-buddy. What's in the room?

Pure... sexual... ecstasy.

Bo: Yeah, that sounds about right...

Those low frequencies, with that set of overtones can only be created by the vocal tract of one UnderFae ... a Manta.

A what-ah?

Holy Octopussy...

I was right. We're listening to the mating sounds of a Manta.

Duh.

It's a tentacled, hermaphrodite UnderFae.

It can only survive in subtropical environments.

You mean humid, wet, and reeking of eucalyptus?

I'm going to guess that's how the humans are being infected.

So what happens next?

Nothing we can't stop.

All right, everyone ...

Good Times Glory Hole Hour is over.

Trust me, you don't know what you're getting into or what's gotten into you. You keep at this, you're going to die.

Anyone who's had relations with the thing in that room is going to need a sh*t.

[ murmurs ]

No, no. No, stay calm ... she's a professional.

She gives great needle!

That's it...

Oh, oh!

Your asses are mine!

Forget their asses. Roman wants them dead.

Take them to the vat.

Buddy ... don't you know the house rules?

A girl doesn't give you the go ahead ... it's hands off.

So, take your hands off my girlfriend.

Are you sure I can't offer you fine officers a taste of Ambrosia?

She's really game for anything.

I'll keep that in mind.

[ music ]

Help! Help! Please, help!

[ crying ]

Help! Help!

Drop the Kn*fe or I'll snap her neck.

How 'bout you drop the doctor or I go Reservoir Dogs on your ear!

What about me?

Kenzihawk down! Kenzihawk down!

Ain't that a shame. So, who you wanna save?

The prickly one ... or the puny one?

Who says a girl's gotta choose?

[ music ]

Help... help! I'm begging you!

Let them out of there, Roman.

Oh, God!

Come now, what's all the fuss? I'm cleaning up after myself.

Yeah, what about Graeme? He d*ed right in front of his own wife.

He escaped before we could get him in the holding t*nk.

It was a minor slip-up... which we corrected.

Let me out of here!

And we made sure to scoop up his wife and girlfriend just in case they were "affected" too.

[ whoosh ]

Ugh!

Ow!

That was just a warning.

Leave now, and we'll forget that you were ever here.

What happened to you, Roman? You used to be such a fun guy.

Over the centuries, I indulged in so many sexual kinks ...

and eventually I grew numb to all physical pleasure.

Oh, boo hoo.

A Bacchus who cannot feel pleasure has no reason to live.

But I found a solution. I mated with a Manta.

Hold up... you banged a sea cow?

She transfers pleasure from her constant stream of sex with all those eager humans straight to my every neuron.

That's very graphic. Also illegal.

It's all I have. And no one is taking it from me.

Now that gets me hot.

Last chance. Let her go.

Lauren: A word of advice... you might want to do what she says.

Why would I do that?

I've seen her do this before... it ain't pretty.

Enough... to the vat!

[ whack! ]

What's happening!?

She's kicking ass and she's MY best friend!

[ whack! ]

[ whack! ]

[ whack! ]

[ whack! ]

[ whack! ]

[ whack! ]

[ struggling ]

[ whack! ]

Lauren: Bo!

Wait...

That was seven kinds of awesome!

No, something is really wrong... Bo! Stop!

It's me... this isn't you.

Just come back, I'm right here...

[ rawr! ]

Whatever this is, you have to fight it.

Lauren?

Yeah... yeah, honey, it's me...

What is happening to me?

Everything's okay... just come back.

I love you.

[ tense music ]

Get out of my way.

[ snarling ] Now!!!

I loved you from the second we met... we were alone and my stethoscope was, probably cold, but... we touched.

Honey, do you remember?

Do you remember that first time? Just look at me...

What have I done? Wha...?

I'm fine. A little bored, but...

[ music ]

Roman's dead. They shut down the steam room and I treated all the remaining humans.

You think they'll make it?

Full recovery, without any lasting effects.

And without its hot, humid environment...

The Manta simply shriveled up and d*ed.

You're good at cleaning up messes.

Some messes clean up themselves. The humans were so overwhelmed...

I'm not talking about them.

Honey... you had nothing to do with that girl's death.

How can you be sure?

Because I know you.

And yes, you've been particularly hungry this past while, but with a regimen of small meals...

You saw what happened to me!

It was an emotional response...

Lauren... please.

What was that?

I don't know.

But it's becoming more and more obvious that you are a very complex creature.

What if I'm a monster?

None of those Fae you hurt d*ed.

And I am still fine-tuning the formula for your injections.

We'll take it one day at a time.

Together.

You're amazing.

Yes, I am.

[ laughing ]

Well, at least, scientifically speaking.

But from now on I don't want to be involved in your... extracurricular activities.

In fact, I don't want to know any of the details whatsoever.

I just didn't want you to feel left out.

Actually, I would really like to feel left out ... of this one.

You know what?

Enough about feeding...

How would you like to have dinner? I mean, a real dinner.

[ laughing ]

Hmm? Just me and you.

Dr. Lewis, are you asking me out on a date?

Oh, well, you know... one of the benefits to being a physician is that every patient is a potential tryst.

Go... get ready.

Pick me up in an hour?

Okay.

Okay.

[ music ]

Bye.

We need to talk.

I think something's very wrong with Bo.

[ music ]

Dyson: Inconclusive.

Inconclusive. There you go. Still no cause of death.

Bo was pretty worked up at the club.

So I heard...

Out of control.

Uh-huh...

If Lauren hadn't been there to talk her down, she...

But then, Lauren...

Lauren what?

Lauren would do anything to protect Bo.

Maybe even... falsify an autopsy.

If Bo did k*ll our vic, maybe she can't even remember it.

So?

So, I have a job to do.

I'm going to follow this through to the end.

[ music ]

Finally!

The Terrible Twosome can spend quality time together.

With all the Thai food a cloned credit card could buy.

Well, it looks great, Kenz... but I kinda have dinner plans with Lauren.

But eating's our thing.

Come on... have some spicy noodles.

Mm-mm-mm!

Besides... I'm still a little freaked.

Tell me the truth, Kenz. Is it possible that I k*lled that girl?

Maybe. Come on... open wide.

You first, bestie.

Okay...

Mmm...

Good?

Mmm...

[ laughing ]

That is scrumptious!

[ thud! ]

And covered in peanuts. To which you are deathly allergic.

So tell me, bitch ... where the hell is Kenzi?!