03x08 - Fae ge Against The Machine

[bunniefuu]

Here, Crickety McCrickerson...

Bo...

Do you want to find the Zambian cricket of good fortune or not?

[ thud ]

Ow!

I think my shins passed "good fortune" two hours ago.

[ music ]

Warmer.

The stupid chirping is bouncing off every wall.

You need to be able to distinguish the original cricket sound from the echo of its sound.

[ music ]

Hale went full speakeasy? Ridiculous.

Shhhh! Warmer, Bo.

Warmer. That's good...

Good, Bo. Now concentrate.

[ music ]

Ah-ha! Gotcha!

I missed him. Again.

It was behind you the entire time.

That was your last chance to secure the cricket's good fortune.

Something you desperately need for The Dawning.

And you failed, Bo.

That's a bit harsh.

Perhaps you need to let me do my job, bartender.

I wish Kenzi were here.

You heard what Stella said.

Humans taint this part of the process...

I am never going to be ready.

Don't talk like that. You're going to pull through this just fine.

You don't know that!

Bo, The Dawning isn't all horror shows and near-death experiences.

It's...

...something that we all go through.

And yes, some of it is difficult. But it is manageable.

So you have been listening.

Hale said he had to drink six pints of sour Lochness juice.

[ laughing ]

And Dyson told you about his fleas.

Yeah...

I guess I do have a fighting chance.

Atta girl.

Alright, coach... what's next?

In order to enter the temple you must be given The Invitation.

So now you wait.

Oh, please tell me that involves sitting on my tired little ass.

The day is yours.

Yes!

Trick...

I owe you an apology for my rudeness.

To make it up, I'd like to take you to dinner.

Tonight.

Sure. Of course. Tonight.

Wear something nice.

[ music ]

[ phone ringing ]

Hey, babe.

Yeah, I miss you too.

No... all I want is the longest afternoon nap ever.

Then popcorn and a movie on the couch with you.

Yeah, I'll call you later. Love you.

[ cranks turning ]

[ music ]

[ crying ]

[ title music ]

Life is hard when you don't know who you are.

It's harder when you don't know what you are.

My love carries a death sentence.

I was lost for years...

Searching while hiding.

Only to find that I belong to a world hidden from humans.

I won't hide anymore.

I will live the life I choose.

3x08 - "Fae-ge Against the Machine"

If you are a cricket, I will totally k*ll you.

Eeek! I was on my way over when I called...

I couldn't wait to see you.

Oh, hon, me too, but I'm so tired...

How did it go today? Did you kick ass?

You look tired. Are you tired?

Are you on cr*ck?

Seriously, hon. Have you been doing experiments without your respirator thingy... because, I...

Look.

"We congratulate you on being the recipient of The Moses Gomberg Distinguished Award for Outstanding Contribution in the Field...

... of Free Radicals!"

The banquet is tonight?

I know. I wasn't their first choice.

The award was originally going to Michael Snoode.

I take it his science is sucky?

He's a total fraud.

He completely fudged his radical numbers. It's all over the message boards.

Bo, I knew they'd have to choose another recipient, but I didn't think it would be me!

Well, that's... radical!

You'll come with me, right? I mean, you'll be my plus-one?

And see the sexiest scientist in the universe celebrated?

Hell yes.

Eeeek!

Okay, you go home, get yourself all dolled up, cr*ck open some bubbly.

We'll hit the pre-awards cocktails at 4, settle in for the banquet at 5 and wait for the 6 o'clock acceptance speeches to begin.

Yes, we will! Yes, we will!

[ gasp! ]

Acceptance speeches... I have to write one.

Oh my God, I need a dress. I need a dress. Have to have a dress...

Do you have a dress?

I have a dress...

We should both wear dresses. I love you!

Well, well, well... aren't you two cute.

Who are you all sparkly for?

I'm taking you out to lunch.

Why would you want to do that?

Because everyone's been lying to you.

[ music ]

This is lunch?

Tomato juice. Celery. Vodka. Looks like lunch to me.

I always thought a Dark bar would be more leather and spikes.

With peanut shells on the floor... for some reason, I always saw peanut shells.

But, this looks like a Light bar to me.

Except more attitude. We've got serious attitude.

Yeah, but that's not what we're here to talk about, is it?

There's a good chance you won't make it through The Dawning.

That's not what Trick says. Or Hale, or Dyson.

I have listened to them bullshit you all week. The Dawning...

The Dawning is the most brutal thing you'll ever go through.

Times infinity.

Are you to throw me off my trying game?

Because this is my life we're talking about here.

I'm trying to help you.

[ music ]

Oh... The leather.

The leather.

When in doubt... always go with leather.

[ music ]

Strange device.

It must be Hale's.

Wait... I've seen something like this before.

Though never so complex.

What is it?

This is Bo's invitation to The Dawning. In the form of a game.

She must have activated it...

[ ding! ]

It's ready! The game has begun.

We'll have to do it for her.

Do what?

Play the game. Wherever she is, whatever she's doing, the game will affect her.

So what do we do?

Someone else has to play.

Who?

Her closest blood relative.

[ machine whirring ]

And Bo's immediate future... depends on you.

[ music ]

Why didn't anyone else tell me this?

Because they are trying to protect you.

But once you're inside, you have to know it is only you.

What if I'm not strong enough?

You gotta...

What's that sh*t called?

"Self-talk."

What? Like, I'm powerful, and brave, I'm...

Bo...

Right?

Yeah. That's me.

I'm Pike.

Gosh, I have wanted to meet the unaligned Succubus for years.

Oh honey, if you're trying to pick up you're going too slow.

Why don't we skip to the part where she says no, then you can scoot.

Look, I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. But my friends and I... well, we were wondering how you can... call yourself "unaligned" when you're clearly Light.

And how you can just walk into one of our bars and play in our sandbox.

Okay... Is there going to be trouble here?

Something tells me we're not in for a group hug.

We're gonna need a distraction.

'Kay.

[ whack! ]

That'll do!

Go, go, go!

[ music ]

Thanks.

Balzac.

Well, thanks, Balzac, I owe you one.

Excellent.

No! Crap...

What?

You said you owe me one, then you shook on it ... softest hands, do you moisturize? But that favour?

I'm really gonna have to call that in now.

You must help me find that which I truly seek.

Once again... what?

You made a deal with a Spriggan.

And it's binding.

What the hell's a Spriggan?

[ music ]

So I shake a hand of Dark Pixie, and now I owe you my IOU?

Yeah, uh-huh, exactly..

I'm not much of a "rules" kind of girl.

You couldn't walk away if you wanted to.

Watch me. This is me, walking away...

[ laughing ]

Ah... ha ha.

[ laughing ]

They all try that one!

They all try, it never works through... but I love your chutzpah.

But that favour? Saving cookie?

I really need it. But then you're free!

Of course you, my dear, have made no binding agreement so you may leave.

What, and miss all the fun? Nuh-uh.

So what's this favour?

[ music ]

Whichever I choose... Bo will be affected?

Yes. But each could either help her or hinder her.

I can't do that.

Bo is a descendant of your blood.

Whatever she would choose, will be a choice derived from you.

Therefore you already know the answer.

There's isn't much time. You must choose.

[ music ]

[ cranks turning ]

Now we wait.

How many sub-basements does this place have?

Well, Fang's secret lair is very... well, secret.

Wait a minute... Fang? The Tong Boss?

That guy's seriously bad news, dude.

Yes, but with Bo's Succubus charm, he will be putty in our hands.

And you're sure this Cookie we're rescuing from him is here?

Oh yes, she's very small...

[ knocking ]

Ah-ha...

All right. Let's do this.

Great. Bricks.

That means the secret hideout must be... here!

Only it's not. What do we do now?

Bo, you wanna step in here?

If Fang's hide-out is so secret, how did we find it so easily?

There's got to be a catch.

No, I don't think so, dear. I really don't think so.

I think we took a wrong-turn at the pistons?

Ah-ha.

Excellent!

[ sigh ]

Bo has succeeded.

And if she'd failed?

It would have turned black.

And Bo?

The result would not have been good.

[ music ]

The feared Tong Boss is a teenaged hipster?

Do not be fooled by his appearance.

Fang is as dangerous as his name suggests.

Oh...

It's one of those kinds of games.

And what kind of game would that be?

The kind that needs to be fed.

And again, you must choose.

[ liquid pouring ]

Yewberries?

Oh, dear...

[ music ]

So! You find your way in.

Very admirable.

You sit.

You very pretty girls. Mr. Fang likes you a lot.

You... come work for Mr. Fang.

No, thanks, Mr. Fang.

[ whispering ]

Not my type.

Please, don't agitate him...

So what's your type anyway, blondie?

Well... it's nothing you'd see in a mirror.

Poser.

What you Gwai Lo want?

Oh, great, now she's done it. She's agitated him.

Mr. Fang...

You are so beautiful...

Yewberries are poisonous! They affect each kind of Fae differently!

Yes. Some, they render senseless.

Some are inflicted with temporary paralysis.

I refuse to do this.

You have no choice.

[ music ]

Mr. Fang... you're going to tell me where Cookie is, okay?

[ music ]

You're going to give me Cookie and you're going to be cool bi tha...

Mster Thang, yo gon gi a cu-ee.

What the hell's wrong with you?

I hab no ideera.

Oh no...

Oh dear, oh dear!

Oh dear, oh dear!

You in big trouble, lady.

Cu-ee o'er de.

What?

O'er de! [ over there ]

Stop talking!

Wrong move, honey.

You think you can mess with the great Fang?

You. Are. So. Dead.

[ music ]

Oh my... is he dead?? We must get Cookie!

[ music ]

Pick one.

Which one?

Your choice, Bo.

[ with a lisp ] Which one??

[ whoosh! ]

Um, does anyone else realize we're being sh*t at??

What's with the... old-timey blow darts?

That, that's just Whitman. He's trying to k*ll me.

Bo: Who's Whitman?!

Wow! That was close, huh?

[ with lisp ] What the hell is happening to me?

Hm? Sorry, dear?

What happened to me in there?!

Look at you! You got your tongue back.

Yay! That's a very good question. I have no idea.

Why is this Whitman guy trying to k*ll you?

Because he has something I want.

But he's the one chasing you.

Hm...

Which, technically, isn't my problem anymore.

Here's your "cookie" ... that which you truly seek.

Done deal and deal done.

Oooooh, except this isn't it. That which I truly seek...

No, this will merely grant us passage.

Passage to where?

Oh, here and there... Come! We must hurry!

We have to get the prescription from the Landlady.

Forty minutes tops!

[ phone ringing ]

Hey! Lauren!

Mmm... Why do chemists like nitrates?

Oh honey, I'm so not the person to ask.

No, no! Why do chemists like nitrates?

Oh, it's a joke!

Oh, yeah... Uh, why?

Because they're cheaper than day rates.

[ music ]

And pause for laughter. Okay, listen...

I am so glad that you are coming tonight.

I'd be a mess if you weren't there.

By the way, can I borrow your bracelet? The one, um... you know the one.

Look, hon, I'm going a little late. Like, forty minutes.

Forty?!

Forty-five, fifty. An hour tops!

Who is that?

What??

Where are you?

Oh, no, I'm at The Dal. Emergency training session.

Look, we'll miss the cocktails, but we'll make it in time for the banquet.

Okay? I promise.

[ music ]

How long have we been walking for now?

Oh, an hour or so.

You said this entire thing would take "an hour or so."

But it's just one more stop and then we're done, right?

Oh, yes. Absolutely!

We must the Landlady then use the cookie to gain entrance to Brazenwood...

An hour, hour and a half, tops!

Did you just say "Brazenwood."

What's Brazenwood?

Uh, only a Dark and lawless territory where the fringe of society, lost souls and the criminally inclined go to live. And die.

Exaggerations! It's in the country.

Lovely people. Quiet. Keep to themselves.

It is a hell-hole. And I am not going past the front gate.

So... shall we?

No!

You lie about the time this will take, you lie about what we're after...

And now you want us to go to a Dark, lawless town in the middle of nowhere?

Where you'll probably end up dead.

I have to go... It's a very important day for my girlfriend and she's very important to me.

Except that you lie to her constantly.

Not the healthiest relationships from what I can see...

Please, we don't have time for this.

I don't care! I'm leaving!

No, no, no, no! You can't! We must save Hannah!

Talk. Fast.

I'm a bounty hunter for the Demetrius Institute for Higher Learning.

It is a school that specializes in giving rare and outcast Dark Fae a home and education.

Hannah is being exploited by Whitman.

And I must save her, so please... I need your help.

You better be telling the truth.

[ music ]

Muzzle it, b*tches!

You're trespassing.

My dearest Landlady, we are here for the prescription.

[ music ]

You.

Infinity or a pit of snakes? Great. Good choices.

Hurry Trick...

I know, I know. I have only minutes.

Seconds! The sands of the hourglass appear to be speeding up.

Two cards... choose one.

I hate this.

We're on a bit of a schedule.

Choosing supremely sucks.

Come on, hot pants.

[ music ]

You must make a choice, Trick. Hesitating could k*ll her.

Listen to your instincts. Focus.

Do it!

[ music ]

[ whispering ] sh*t...

No one ever picks...

...him.

[ laughing ]

They're just cards.

[ music ]

Who are you??

We didn't come here to play games.

[ cranks turning ]

Again?

You must pick one.

The last time I chose poison.

Yes. That was surprising.

Bo's favourite drink.

No. Her least favourite.

[ music ]

One Elderberry cocktail with nectar of gnome coming up.

I don't like you. You're trouble and my babies smell it.

Now, get out!

Not until we get our prescription.

You got payment?

[ music ]

These are some mighty powerful tears.

Hannah is a mighty powerful girl.

[ music ]

Now get her out of here.

[ dog barking ]

[ whoosh! ]

[ dog yelping ]

Petunia?!

Whitman!

[ whoosh! ]

That's our cue!

Balzac, we gotta get out of here!

Maybe we gotta get into here.

Stop talking in riddles! Come on!

It's okay, it's okay...

Yes!

I'm over here in the open!

Come on and get me!

Huh?!

[ whoosh! ]

Ah!

Ugh... Ah, ah...

Is that the best you can do?

Ugh!

[ dog snarling/ barking ]

[ Whitman struggling ]

Whitman: Ah!

We don't have much time. You must get to Brazenwood...

Take the prescription and the cookie to gain entrance...

I'm not leaving you here.

No... no, no, no... I'll just slow you down.

But you have to get Hannah. I'm trusting you two girls.

Go, go, go, go, go!

Ah...

[ music ]

Wait... the entrance is riddled with land mines.

If we go in without actually using that cookie? Boom.

Let's pay the toll.

Okay...

[ knocking ]

[ music playing ]

"You will always get what you want through your charm and personality."

[ chuckling ]

[ music ]

[ gate creaking ]

What's that for?

You said you'd only come as far as the gate.

So... thank you.

Come on...

When have you ever believed anything I've said?

[ music ]

[ sigh ]

[ gate creaking ]

[ clang! ]

So I take it this is a B.Y.O. roadkill kind of party.

Stay alert...

I have no idea how this'll play out.

This is your world. Your rules.

Well, there are Dark rules and there are Dark rules in Brazenwood.

Not the same thing. Not the same thing at all...

[ music ]

Tammsin: So...

You wanna tell me what that wanderer business was all about?

You tell me. You're the one who freaked out about it.

Don't... mess with me, Bo. If you're hiding something...

I don't know what you're talking about, and if you want to go you should just go!

I don't wanna be here any longer than I have to be.

I am late for Lauren's thing.

I am up to my ass in tumbleweeds and I am stuck here with you.

Trust me, I want out as much as you do.

Let's get moving then. Where to?

Well, we have a prescription.

[ Tamsin sighing ]

Umbrella and everything...

Umbrella and everything.

[ music ]

Well, let's hope Bo can hold her liquor.

So, now we just need to find the pharmacist.

Or, like a pharmacy...

It's not that hard, actually...

Or something with a "Pharma" in it... What is with you?

You'd think that he would just tell me!

I mean, you would think of all people, he would tell me!

Shh! Who are you talking about?

Um, Dyson. He got his love back you know.

But does he love me? Hmm... that's the question.

The guy is crazy moony for you. You just suck at reading people.

I mean, you would think that he could man-up and tell me, right?

Guys are jerks, huh?

Wait, why do I feel so weird?

Have you been drinking?

What?

Blah...

Elderberry Smash. But... how?

Are you packing?

[ laughing ]

That tickles.

[ laughing ]

Oh, no... No! I can't be drunk. Not here.

No sh*t...

Slap me.

[ slap ]

Ow-ah!!!

Better?

[ champagne pouring ]

[ phone ringing ]

Hey, Lo.

Pardon?

It's something new that I'm trying... check it out... Bo-Lo.

[ laughing ]

It's like our "Brangelina."

You're late.

No, no, no! I'm almost there!

I'm so... I'm so almost there.

And you're wearing something hot?

Because I look soooo sexy.

Look, just half an hour more. For realsies.

Half an hour?! That's like eighteen hundred seconds!

I am like scary smart. We're gonna miss the food thing.

Well, I'm in the middle of something very important.

Oh, what a surprise!

You're always in the middle of something. And it's always important.

Bo, when is it my turn?

I'm always there for you and for Trick and for Hale, and, and, Trick...

[ laughing ]

You said Trick twice.

[ laughing ]

And what I'm doing is very, very important!

I mean, I deal with life and death situations and you deal with what? Petri dishes?

Oh... Well, maybe I should go alone.

It's just a stupid human thing.

Lauren?

Ugh... Wow...

Hey. You okay?

I need an aspirin.

Let's just go find this stupid pharmacist.

Shh! I already found it...

This way. Bar star.

[ music ]

You come to dicker?

We have a prescription.

Ah...

Let's see here...

Girl...

[ sniffing ]

You're a Valkyrie.

Down boy.

Just... one lock?

Touch me, and you'll be an appendage short.

Oh, please?

[ crying ]

Bo: Tamsin!

You gotta see this.

My product's fine as cream gravy, girls! Take as much as you like.

[ crying ]

Hannah?

[ crying ]

You're a Squonk.

It's going to be okay. You can stop crying now.

No. I. Can't.

It's what Squonks do.

But most don't live to be this age.

Their tears are hot in the Fae drug trade.

So Whitman's a drug dealer.

You're safe now. You can come with us.

No, thank you. I'm not going anywhere.

[ music ]

Bo: Hannah...please.

You have to leave this place.

But, Mr. Whitman tells me things about the world.

And it sounds awful.

I think he's telling you those things to make you cry more.

To collect more tears.

At least my tears make people happy.

But you can be happy too.

No, I'm... I'm just a weirdo...

[ sniff ]

...who makes people uncomfortable.

Like her.

Sue me. I don't like crying.

[ crying ]

We have to get out of here. And if you won't come willingly...

No! Don't...

If you move a Squonk involuntarily, they will dissolve into tears. Literally.

Okay...

[ banging on door ]

Grrrr!

Oh, that's Mr. Whitman...

He's not going to be happy that you're here.

Yeah... no kidding. Can we hurry this up, please?

Let's try this.

[ banging on door ]

You're glowing me, aren't you?

It's okay... I'm used to people trying to con me.

What? No...

Look, I am not conning you. Hannah...

There is a nice man who has been looking for you.

He wants to take you to a school where you can be with others like yourself.

Other Squonks?

Other kids who are just as exceptional as you.

Can we maybe have this little love-fest later??

Will there be boys?

[ banging on door ]

Super weird boys.

[ banging on door ]

Okay!

Come on...

[ snap ]

[ music ]

Come on... what are you doing??

Just a little shopping...

Okay, well, we don't have time for that...

There's always time for an impulse buy.

[ music ]

Well, look-ey here.

Scuttlebutt has it that you got into a dust-up over a claim.

Man here says you've bilked him of a girl.

Is this the property, Whitman?

She's no one's property.

Can't b*at the devil 'round the stump 'bout this one, little lady. Uh-uh.

Now, we have to settle this thing!

Dark rules-like so's we can all go home.

Okay... What do I have to do?

[ cranks turning ]

I've never seen an Invitation do this before.

Do what?

thr*aten someone's life.

Tell me again.

You're smart, you're fast...

And you're a helluva lot cuter than him.

Right...

[ music ]

Don't I get a g*n? He's got a g*n!

Don't matter if he's heeled or not, honey.

You draw with what you got.

Oh sh*t...

[ music ]

[ gasp! ]

Oh, double sh*t...

The Dark don't play fair, do they?

It's not Dark thing. This has to stop...

No interference.

What the hell do I do?

Okay, Trick... You have to concentrate.

Empty your mind of all thought. Clear your head.

Focus. Trust your instincts. Listen to your gut...

Stella...

I mean this with all due respect... but shut the hell up.

[ music ]

[ bell in distance ]

[ steps behind ]

Time to put that cricket down for good.

[ whoosh! ]

Shiiit...

[ music ]

[ laughing ]

[ music ]

You have... quite an effect on me.

What if I did this?

[ music ]

[ energy pulsing ]

[ laughing ]

I did it!

[ music ]

I declare a winner!

You may take your claim!

[ laughing ]

Are we gonna pass the gatekeeper? I really like him! He's so fun!

You know, you really are a weirdo. Sweet!

But a weirdo.

Thanks...

[ music ]

[ giggling ]

[ knocking on door ]

[ music ]

Well, it's about damn time!

That we met?

Well, damnit, I agree!

Uh, Dr. Taft?

Please. Isaac. Wow...

Come in, come in! I'm a huge fan of your work on tissue-engineered vascular grafts, I...

Oh, no, it's the other way around, Dr. Lewis.

You're the reason I went to tonight's Science and Technology Snorefest.

Oh... Was it was that bad?

Oh, my God... the geekage was stifling.

But... I snagged you this.

Oh, wow...

That's my name.

Yup.

Thank you.

I don't want to impose but I was wondering maybe if I could take you for a drink or sth.? Just get in that head of yours?

[ laughing ] Yeah... you want to get inside my head?

Yeah, your papers, they blow me away.

You read my papers?

I've read all your papers.

You make morphogenesis and RNA splicing seem exciting.

Don't know how, but you do. So what do you say? Huh?

Take you out, I got this bar with this mixologist that kills it.

Okay!

I'd hate to let my dress go to waste.

Exactly.

Just give me a sec...

Sure.

Hey, Isaac?

Yeah?

Why do chemists like nitrates?

Why?

Because they're cheaper than day rates.

[ chuckling ]

That's funny...

I can't find Bo anywhere. And this game's been too quiet too long.

Patience.

Is Bo here?? I woke from the effects of the dart...

I couldn't get the cookie to get into Brazenwood.

Whitman... he was gone. I think he's gonna try and k*ll Bo...

And it's my fault.

Bo's in Brazenwood??

[ music ]

What does that mean?

Something about happiness.

And yet... unhappiness.

Gee, ya think?

You guys would not believe the craziness that I have just been through... Hi!

You're just in time.

In time for what?

[ music ]

Hannah's tears are a source of both happiness and unhappiness.

[ cranks turning ]

And I believe... we've reached the end of the game.

So, what happens next?

Something most likely unexpected.

[ cranks turning ]

[ circus music playing ]

Well... that's it?

That was beautiful.

Balzac: Ahem!

Isabeau, on this day in this place, you are hereby officially invited to The Dawning.

May your destiny be of your own choosing.

[ sniffling ]

Bo: So Balzac was my invitation all along.

And you passed.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

[ music ]

Thank you so much... Oh, my God! Lauren...

Oh, my God... sh*t!

[ music ]

Lauren!

[ music ]

Lauren!

Guess she went to the banquet without you.

And the award for Worst Girlfriend Ever! Goes to me...

She'll forgive you.

Here's to your Dawning. May you not die.

I won't.

You sure about that?

No.

Well, if I was a gambling woman my money would be on you.

Cheers.

[ clink ]

Let me ask you something.

You weren't the one that made the deal with Balzac.

You could have left at any time.

Truth.

So why didn't you?

You think I'd ever hear the end of it if one little hair on everyone's favourite Succulette's head was harmed?

Nope.

So I decided to stick around, like-y or not.

Like-y.

[ music ]

I was wrong about you.

You're one of the good ones.

Well...

You really do suck at reading people.

So, I... better get going.

[ music ]

No...

No!

Please tell me she's not the one.

[ thunder rumbling ]

[ music ]