03x03 - Hot Package

Episode transcripts from season 2 to 6 and the pilot script. Show now ended.*
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Jake Doyle and his father Malachy run a private investigations agency in St. John's, Newfoundland. Their cases involve them in all sorts of dealings - not all of them on the right side of the law.
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03x03 - Hot Package

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on Republic of Doyle...

[Mal] You are the worst I've ever seen when it comes to courting women.

[Molly] Take off your clothes.

[Jake] Excuse me?

[Mal] It's like a reverse talent.

[Leslie] It's only a matter of time before somebody really gets hurt.

And you're the one who is gonna have to live with it.

[Jake] Ned Bishop. Nice to see you again.

[Ned] I went bankrupt.

[Des] Am I dead?

[Chandra] Well, your heart's b*ating pretty fast.

[Jake] There was a woman. She had a g*n.

[Leslie] I don't even want to know.

[Jake] There's something a lot bigger going on here.

[Leslie] Not from where I'm standing.

[Nikki] David is a really good guy, Jake.

[Jake] I can see how dinner with you and your new fiance would be fun for you.

But me, not so much.

[Tinny] I'm going to London.

I get to go for a year!

[Des] Oh my God!

[Tinny] Oh my God.

[Des] How long have you been home?

[Tinny] I never left.

[Des] - Um...

[Tinny] - Hey guys. I'm home.

(Tires screeching)

[Mal] How in the love of God did I let you get me into this Jake?

[Jake] Oh lord! Oh the smell.

[Mal] The body is rancid. It stinks. Gotta get it to the cops quick. We gotta move it!

[Jake] Oh, yes b'y. How are we going to explain to the cops why we have a dead body, and that it's covered in friggin' white flour?

[Mal] I think I'm gonna throw up.

[Jake] Don't you dare throw up in the car dad.

Don't throw up in this car!

[Mal groaning] I'll--
I'll pull up here. I'll pull up here!

(Tires screeching)

[Jake] (Coughing)

Oh my God!

[Mal] Oh, that's disgusting.

[Jake] Let's get him in the trunk.

[Jake] Go get some ice.

(Groaning)

[Jake] Help me get him in the trunk.

(Sirens)



Freeze!

Put your hands in the air!

[Jake] Whoa!

Hands where I can see 'em!

[Jake] - Uh--

Down on your knees!

[Mal] Alright.

♪oh yeah (Oh yeah!)♪
♪oh yeah (Oh yeah!)♪
♪oh yeeeah oh yeeeah♪
♪oh yeah!♪


(Phone ringing)

[Jake] (Groaning)

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] What b'y what?

[Mal] We're running a trading pulse now? Our last client, let them pay with belt buckle.

[Jake] Oh seriously, dad, can't this wait or what?

[Mal] No, where are you?

[Jake] I'm... on a safari.

You're lucky your buddy paid you at all, okay? He was a degenerate gambler.

[Mal] 20 minutes, curiosity shop.

You do the haggling.

[Jake] Dad-- (Dog barking)


[Mal] So Tinny didn't say anything about London? I thought you were gonna work her.

[Rose] I did. Okay? I got nothing. London was great, school was great. Says she just wanted to come home.

[Mal] Yeah, there's more going on here. Keep pushing it.

What about the high school?

[Rose] Still making me jump through hoops to get her registered. It's bizarre.

[Mal] Okay. Thanks for taking care of it. I'll call you later.

[Mal] This better be worth at least four days at our regular rate. Plus expenses.

[Jake] You're telling me you couldn't do this by yourself or what?

[Mal] I figured you wouldn't be above begging.

You smell like cheap whiskey.

[Jake] Well, it is cheap whiskey because I stole it from your friggin liquor cabinet.

[Jake] Ned Bishop?

Ned, what are you doing?

How many jobs you got, man?

[Ned] I happen to have an alimony issue with a certain ex-wife.

But thank you for poking that open wound. And that buckle is only worth 20 bucks, tops.

[Jake] 20 bucks my arse. Give me that. Look, I'm telling you.

Look at this. This is solid platinum, and these here, they're diamonds.

[Ned] Those are glass gems and that is platinum plated. I have reduced my offer to $18.50.

[Mal] Oh lord. Put your tongue back in your head.

[Marie] Hey.

[Ned] Oh, back again, are you my lucky?

What can I do you for today?

[Marie] Look, I'm sorry to do this to you Ned, but I need that cigarette case. I got your money.

[Ned] Oh, I'm sorry love. I sold this first thing this morning.

[Marie] What? Come on, Ned. I just sold that to you yesterday!

[Jake] Uh, listen, uh-- (Ding)

Ha. Ned, who did you sell the case to? I mean, do you got a name, a visa statement or whatever?

[Ned] Jake Doyle, here.

He fancies himself a bit of private d*ck.

Mind your own business Jake.

[Marie] Hi, I'm Marie booth.

[Jake] Hi Marie booth. So what do you say Ned?

The girl obviously wants her cigarette case back, so just tell us who bought it.

[Ned] I don't know. Somebody, alright? I don't know, b'y.

[Deacon] Where is it? Did you get it back?

[Marie] No, I'll find it, okay Deacon?

Please! I said I'd find it.

[Deacon] I told you I need that case.

[Jake] Hey!

Let's just relax, there, alright chachi.

[Deacon] Did anyone ask me to ask you anything? Marie, if I don't get that case--

[Jake] - Whoa! Excuse me. Sorry.

It's obvious to me that you're the thick, stupid type.

[Marie] Deacon, no!

(Scuffling)

[Ned] Come on guys. I just got this job. I need the money now!

[Marie] Okay, okay, okay. I said I would get it back, so I'll get it back, okay?

[Jake] Ow! Just relax, okay?

(Thud)

[Mal] That had to hurt son.

(Thud)

[Marie] Oh my God.

[Jake] It's all under control.

(Crash!)

[Jake] Little help here?

[Mal] You're getting cocky, see?

(Crash!)

(Thud)

[Deacon] You stay out of my business, or you'll wish you'd never been existed.

[Jake] What?

[Deacon] 24 hours Marie. I want it back or there's going to be serious trouble.

[Mal] What was your strategy exactly? I was having a hard time following it.

[Jake] Just shut up, alright?

[Marie] You alright?

[Ned] B'ys, somebody's paying for this.

[Marie] Oh, I'm so, so sorry.

Are you okay?

[Jake] That was nothing, I'm fine.

[Mal] He's fine. His head absorbed most of the fall.



[Marie] Deacon and I were together for a few months, and then I kicked him out. It just wasn't working.

[Jake] I can't believe you used to go out with this bonehead.

I mean, he just doesn't seem like your type.

[Marie] I packed up his stuff, I locked him out, and he owes me 3 grand in rent, so he brought the cigarette case home and I sold it, and now he's freaking out.

[Des] Jake-o, I got something for you.

Hi.

[Marie] Hi.

[Jake] We'll find you-- we'll find your cigarette case. I promise I'll keep Deacon off your back while we do it.

[Mal] Hard to do it that from your arse.

Get another son you know. Strong as an ox.

Single too.

Speak of the devil.

The strong one.

[Jake] - Oh...

[Christian] - Who's this now?

[Jake] This is just great.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Excuse me for a second?

[Jake] Nikki, can this wait? I'm kind of with a client right now.

[Marie] Hi, I'm Marie.

[Mal] This is Christian. He owns his own bar downstairs.

[Christian] Yes, indeed I do.

[Jake] Half owns it.

[Nikki] I need to meet you.

[Jake] What? Meet me where?

When?

[Nikki] Now. It's super important. I need to talk to you.

Please. It's just-- it's a favour. Please?

[Jake] Okay, okay. Just do me a favour, alright?

Just give me a few minutes. I'll be there as soon as I can.

[Nikki] Thank you Jake. I really appreciate this.

[Des] Uh, I went through all the security footage at the curiosity shop, and I found this.

[Jake] How do you know this is the right cigarette case?

[Des] Because it's the only cigarette case that they sold today.

[Christian] I almost cut you off.

[Marie] (Laughs)

[Christian] Probably.

[Jake] Anyways, do you recognize this guy?

[Christian] Well, I should probably be going.

Hey, little brother.

Don't get b*at up again.

[Jake] Goodbye.

[Marie] Bye.

[Jake] (Clears throat)

Photograph ring any bells?

[Marie] No I've never seen that guy before.

[Mal] Logo's from Michele's bakery.

[Jake] Maybe we should go to Michele's and see if he's working a shift. We can drop you off at home on the way if you'd like.

[Des] Okay, I'll see you guys later. Have fun.

(Phone ringing)

[Des] Des Courtney.

Doyle and Doyle investigation, senior p.I. What's up?

[Tinny] Are you keeping your mouth shut?

[Des] Yes-- no.

What are we talking about?

[Tinny] Did you tell anyone about finding me in town?

Rose is digging.

[Des] Look, Tinny, I told you, okay? My word is good.

[Tinny] You're in this with me now, Courtney. Accessory after the fact.

[Des] What's?-- Hello?



(Doors slamming)

[Mal] You know, you might have had a sh*t with Marie until Deacon tossed you through that window.

[Jake] I I slipped.

[Mal] And that you have, my son.

And Christian, oh man, he's really coming into his own. The hair, the build. He could have handled that Deacon like it was nothing.

[Jake] You know, turning son against son is beyond how low I thought you could go.

[Kelly] Deacon, shut up! Idiot.

No.

[Jake] Hey.

[Kelly] No!

[Jake] Kelly?

[Kelly] Call you back.

[Jake] How are you making out?

[Kelly] Fine.

[Jake] I'm Jake. This is a... a senior citizen I have in my care, Malachy.

[Kelly] Kelly Thomas.

[Mal] Listen, we wanna track down a cigarette case you bought.

[Kelly] Cigarette case? I don't know anything about a cigarette case.

[Jake] I have a picture of you buying a cigarette case earlier today.

[Mal] We just wanna buy it back from you. There's no trouble.

[Kelly] Right, sorry. I forgot.

I'll just go, uh... See if it's around.

[Jake] What's with him?

[Mal] I don't know. Kind of defensive.

[Jake] Well, he did happen to leave his cell phone behind.

[Jake] 25 calls to Deacon?

That's Marie's ex-boyfriend.

[Mal] Maybe Kelly wanted to sell him back the case.

(Whack!)

[Jake] Ow! What the hell?

What the hell, man!

(Strikes)

[Jake] What the hell's wrong with you?!

(Whack!)

[Jake] Get out of here!

Ow.

[Jake] Well, we got the case.

[Mal] - Hate to say it, but uh--

[Jake] - What? What? Christian would have done that better?

I got the case, don't I?!

[Jake] So what? Deacon gives Kelly the case, Marie-- oh whatever. I'm just gonna give this back to Marie and get it over with.

[Mal] Listen to yourself.

[Jake] What?

[Mal] You almost get your head taken off twice over this, and now you're just going to hand it back to that girl with no idea of what your libido has dragged us into?

[Jake] What the hell is wrong with you today?

[Mal] In case you haven't noticed, I'm trying to prove a point here.

[Jake] That you're a d*ck-smack?

[Mal] This morning you woke up somewhere, God knows where, hung over as hell. Now you're following some girl around, getting the crap b*at out of you every 2 minutes. I'm telling you, you're regressing. And the place you're regressing from was nothing to be proud of.

[Jake] That's a hell of a pep talk.

(Phone ringing)

[Mal] - Look...

[Rose] - Mal, I need you home.

Now.

[Mal] Okay.

I gotta go.

[Jake] How're you gonna get home?

[Mal] None of your business!



[Mal] Well obviously there's been a mistake at their end.

[Rose] The principal says that they've double and triple checked.

[Mal] So let them check again.

She was over there a full semester.

[Rose] The school in London has no record of Tinny whatsoever.

They say she never enrolled.

[Tinny] That's ridiculous. Of course I enrolled. How's I supposed to go to school if I never enrolled?

[Mal] I'll call them myself.

[Rose] The school here says she may have to repeat the entire year.

[Tinny] What? Poppy?

[Mal] I know kiddo. This isn't your fault. Look, I'll not let you get held back because of some bureaucratic foolishness.

What's the number?

(Phone ringing)

[Rose] No, it's okay. I'll call myself.

[Mal] Okay, thank you. Good.

Tinny, you must have some receipts or something upstairs.

I gotta go.

[Mal] (To phone) I'm on my way.

(Door shutting)

[Nikki] Hi, where are you?

[Jake] Look, I am so sorry.

I had a thing, which, you know, kind of turned into another--

[Nikki] I knew it. I knew it.

[Jake] ...Thing.

[Nikki] Jake, you always pull this when I need you.

[Jake] No, no, no, it's just, you see, that my super-hot ex-wife, see she really-- what?

[Nikki] Jerk.

[Jake] So? What do you want?

I'm here. What?

[Nikki] Okay. Come here.

[Nikki] I think-- I think I need to hire you.

I think.

Is that crazy?

That sounds crazy, right?

[Jake] Nikki? What's wrong.

[Nikki] Just something... I can't shake it, Jake. I have this really bad feeling that something isn't right. It's David. I think he's having an affair.

[Jake] You think that David's cheating?

Nikki, David is not cheating on you.

Look, listen to me.

First of all, he's a divorce attorney, he knows better.

Second of all, he knows you're way, way too hot for him.

[Nikki] A couple of nights ago, he said he was meeting with a client. Then I phoned him at the office and he wasn't there. And there were a couple of other things.

[Jake] Nikki! Stop!

Okay?

Do not go down this road.

I'm telling you.

I've been here before.

There is no turning back, so just stop it.

[Nikki] Okay, maybe you're right.

[Jake] Do me a favour, okay? You go home, you look him in the eye, and you see for yourself.

[Nikki] Okay.

Thanks.



[Des] Okay, so there were 18,743 auction listing for "cigarette case" online, and yet I can't find even one hall and oates autograph.

[Rose] Really?

[Des] I know, especially because they're the greatest selling duo of all time.

[Rose] No dear, the cigarette cases.

[Des] Oh, right, yeah. Oh sorry.

Uh, okay, of course. So after all that, I honed in on this.

[Jake] Deacon spent a thousand bucks on that cigarette case?

[Mal] Deacon doesn't strike me as the expensive online collectables type.

[Des] No, no, he's not. It was actually bought by a guy named Edwin Winters.

[Rose] "Divorce break your heart? Bring us your gold ring for a fresh start".

[Des] That's the guy!

[Rose] Edwin Winters is one of those guys that buys gold.

[Des] Yeah, and jewelry.

"Got diamonds and pearls?

Bring 'em to Ed's jewelry world".

[Jake] What's the connection between Edwin Winters and Deacon?

[Rose] Uh, Deacon does his yard work.

[Mal] He's been stealing from his boss. Rose, you got an address?

[Rose] I can get one.

[Jake] Des, can I speak to you about this cigarette case for a second?

[Des] Oh cool.

[Jake] What do you got?

[Des] I didn't wear your leather jacket to the mall. And I have no idea where Tinny was living in London, so don't ask.

[Jake] No. The information about David?

[Des] Oh right.

Here you go. But, hang on.

Permission to speak freely?

[Jake] No.

[Des] It's just, are you sure this is such a good idea? I mean, it's your ex-wife and your ex-wife's new husband. I mean, okay, look. I've just got experience with being torn between two lovers and-- ow!

[Jake] Des, when did I ever, ever ask for your personal insight.

What's in the file?

[Des] That hurts b'y. It's all there. Criminal check.

Medical, financial report. Man, he makes a lot of money.

[Jake] I need you to follow him and don't tell anybody about this or I'll k*ll you.

[Des] Okay, you got it.

I'm on it.

[M] What are you two whispering about?

[Jake] Nothing. Des has fleas.

[Des] Uh... "Had".

I had fleas.

Long...
[Jake] - Are you coming?

[Des] Okay. Subject, David.

David being Nikki's new husband.

Nikki being Jake Doyle's ex-wife. Jake Doyle being my boss and mentor.

Okay, okay-- oh... oh, subject has turned to page 16 of the newspaper.

[Tinny] Hey.

[Des] Hey.

[Tinny] It smells like mango lip-gloss in here.

[Des] No, no. That's just carpet cleaner stuff.

[Tinny] Dessie, how tough would it be to forge a British high school transcript.

[Des] You realize you're talking about fraud right?

Like real fraud. Not the fun kind.

[Tinny] Well, if I do it myself I'll definitely get busted, so...

[Des] So what do you want?

What do you want, like, all b'ys?

Maybe you want an "a" or two?

[Tinny] Don't go too crazy.

Maybe give me like a c+ in history.

[Des] You know, Mal and rose won't be that upset if you've flunked out. It's understandable given the language barrier.

[Tinny] I didn't flunk out Des.

I never enrolled.

Long story.

Can you just take care of it?

Please?

(Doors opening)

(Car engine)

(Doors slamming)

[Mal] What's all this?

[Jake] I don't know.

Is that Marie?

[Marie] (Crying)

[Jake] Marie?

[Marie] Jake? What are you doing here?

[Jake] Well, I was gonna ask you the same thing.

[Marie] That's my uncle.

Uncle Eddie.

[Marie] I found him. I think somebody m*rder*d him.

[Jake] Edwin Winters is your uncle.

[Marie] Yeah.

[Jake] You just, you just stay here, okay?

[Marie] Okay.

[Mal] I'm saying nothing.

[Jake] Hood, what's going on here?

[Hood] Poor bastard, got himself k*lled a couple of days ago.

Check out this weird stuff.

(Zip)

[Mal] A gold smelting accident?

[Hood] No, the get-up is for a commercial he was on his way to sh**t. It gets weirder.

[Jake] Weirder than a guy in a gold costume?

[Leslie] Hood!

Save the rest for the report.

[Hood] Yes, sir.

Take it away boys.

[Jake] What's so weird about the dead body?

[Leslie] Marie booth?

[Marie] Yeah.

[Leslie] You're under arrest for the m*rder of Edwin Winters.

[Marie] Excuse me?

[Leslie] Come with me.

[Marie] (Crying)

♪Yeeeah♪

[Marie] Please. You've gotta believe me. I was just there visiting my uncle.

[Leslie] When was the last time you saw him alive?

[Marie] I don't know. Like, a month ago. I don't know.

[Leslie] Are you sure it wasn't a couple of days ago? Say, when you k*lled him?

[Marie] I didn't k*ll anybody!

[Leslie] Sit down please.

[Leslie] Your boyfriend, Deacon Rogers, he did yard work for your uncle?

[Marie] Yeah. He did. Yeah.

[Leslie] So where is Deacon Rogers now?

[Marie] I don't know.

We broke up.

[Leslie] That cigarette case, you hired the Doyle's to find, that was stolen from your uncle's and you sold it just yesterday. Correct?

[Jake] You can't honestly think that she k*lled her uncle for, like, a cigarette case?

[Leslie] I'm not sure. That's why I'm letting her go, so I can check out her alibi. You wouldn't happen to know where that cigarette case is, would ya?

[Jake] Me? No. Why would I know that? I have no idea.

[Leslie] Just what I thought. I wash your back, you wash your own. Same old, same old. What are you even doing here?

[Leslie] Cut her loose.

[Jake] I came to see you.

[Leslie] She's pretty, Jake.

Don't let that fool you. If she did what we think she did, she's too sick even for you.

[Jake] Sick? Leslie what are you talking about?

[Jake] Marie? Marie.

[Marie] I can't believe they're doing this to me.

[Jake] Marie?

[Marie] Do you think Deacon did it?

[Jake] I honestly don't know.

Leslie-- sergeant Bennett, the officer you were just talking to, she's holding something back about your uncle's death. I'm just-- (Phone ringing)

...Not sure what.

Can you just hold on for one second?

[Jake] Walter, what've you got?

[Walter] I can't believe you're getting me to dig up dirt on Nikki's husband.

[Jake] Well, you're my friend and my lawyer. So why don't you just tell me everything.

[Walter] Nothing!

The guy is as clean as a whistle.

[Jake] You're sure?

[Walter] Look, dude, I do the odd dance with some borderline moral flexibility, we all got some vices, right?

David? Nothing.

[Jake] Okay, well that's great news. I'll call you later.

[Jake] I think you and I should talk.

[Marie] I just wanna go home, Jake. Please, can I just go home and forget about this?

[Jake] Cigarette case has a little compartment thing in here, and I'm pretty sure this whole thing is about what was inside. Now, you wouldn't have any idea what that is, would you?

[Jake] Don't lie to me, Marie.

What was inside the case?



[Jake] So is this what all the fuss is about?

[Marie] Yup.

[Marie] It's just that Deacon was being so unreasonable, and I can't even afford groceries, and he owes me a lot of money.

[Jake] Um, I think it's time you told me the whole story. Come on.


[Des] So we're doing some pretty high tech surveillance, here. Tracking some pretty dangerous criminals. It's no biggie, right? Just a day in the life, right?

[Chandra] Wow, what a big man you are.

[Des] Jake really believes in me.

[Chandra] Okay, well, you let me know when you get off work.

[Des] Well, I'll let you know when the job is done.

Because, I'm a man at my work.

(Doors opening)

[Des] Hey, Tinny. Hi Tinny.

How's it going?

[Chandra] Oh, so you're Tinny?

I've heard so much about you.

[Tinny] Really? I never heard a thing about you. Who is this Des?

[Des] This is Chandra, and Chandra this is...

[Chandra] You're Des' assistant, right?

[Des] No.

[Tinny] Yes b'y.

[Des] Tinny's my, um... she's like my... Oh my God! She's like a work, officially-- a colleague, like a friend through work.

[Tinny] Yeah.

[Chandra] Well, I'll let you get back to the front lines here.

[Des] Okay.

[Chandra] Okay?

[Des] Yeah.

Yes.

[Chandra] Oh, and it was nice to meet you Tinny.

[Des] See ya.

(Doors close)

[Tinny] Well, that explains the mango lip gloss smell.

[Des] I'm just doing some surveillance here so I...

[Tinny] You've got me all alone in the back of a van and all you want to do is surveillance?

[Des] Okay, uh... (Laughs)

Okay, this is really weird for me, Tinny, because Chandra's a girl.

[Tinny] Des! Obviously I don't care what skank you might be making out with.

[Des] Uh, that skank has a name!

She's not a skank.

[T[Tinny] Do you have the documents I want or not?

[Tinny] She seems nice.

[Des] See ya.

[Marie] I don't know. I got it out of that secret compartment of that cigarette case. Thought it would open a lock box or a safe, or... something.

[Jake] Just would have been nice to know what you were getting us into. That's all.

[Marie] Well, I didn't want you to think I was a thief. I just wanted you to get Deacon off my back. I'm sorry.

[Tinny] Uh, pop, rose.

I think I figured it out.

[Mal] Oh, excuse us.

Let's go inside.

[Jake] Listen, the cops think that you k*lled your uncle, and I have to ask you.

Did you?

[Marie] No, I didn't.

[Marie] Look, I just wanted that money that Deacon owed me.

That's it. I didn't know that my uncle Eddie was gonna die.

[Christian] Jake, what did you say to the poor girl? Did he ask you out? That would make any woman cry.

[Jake] Hold on for a second.

[Jake] What do you want?

[Christian] I want to help. Dad said you need some back-up, some guy's threatening her or something?

[Jake] Why would I want your back-up?

[Christian] Because. Look, you go do your case stuff. I'll keep an eye on her. Alright? Oh come on relax Jake.

[Christian] Marie, I'm gonna keep you company while Jake gets some things done.

[Jake] It's fine.

[Marie] Okay.

[Christian] Hey, have you been to the gypsy tea-room?

[Jake] History? C+

[Tinny] I know.

Anyway, they have my first name wrong.

Simple mistake.

[Mal] There you go.

[Tinny] It took one phone call.

They fixed the spelling and faxed it right on over.

[Rose] One phone call, huh?

I was calling and calling and calling...
[Mal] - We gotta get this history mark up. Don't know your history, you're likely to repeat it.

[Tinny] That's true. I'm gonna get on that right now.

[Mal] Hey Tinny.

Here's a little something for the effort.

[Tinny] Pop, you don't have to do that.

[Mal] Go on with you. I found it in Jake's car anyway. Go on.

[Mal] She's got a brain, that one.

[Rose] Yeah, she's a smart on alright.

[Jake] So, Christian invited Marie out for a bite. Thank you so much for that. It's obvious that she's into the super slow jello head types.

[Mal] Jake, don't be sucky. It only makes you look worse than you are.

[Jake] I gotta find out what this key opens so if she comes back with Romeo, do me a favour, tell her I'm off solving her case.

[Rose] Okay.

[Jake] Skipper.



[Rose] Tinny, Tinny, Tinny.



[Mal] Christian is only trying to help. It's not his fault he has a natural charm with the women.

[Jake] And I really appreciate you volunteering him to help me.

It's just awesome.

[Ned] First off, I appreciate the cheque Malachy to cover the window costs. Because of you I didn't lose my job.

[Jake] Good for you.

[Ned] I told my boss there was a wind damage.

[Jake] Key, Ned?

[Ned] See, the thing is, b'y, I find my eyes are starting to go.

Needs that laser eye surgery?

That's an expensive racket.

[Jake] I'm taking a key chain.

[Mal] He's had a rough day.

Heart-break. All of that.

[Ned] It looks like it opens up some high-falutin lock box, pretty rare. It's expensive too.

Where'd you find that now?

[Mal] Part of an investigation.

[Ned] Oh. Now technically I can't give you back a key that I know isn't yours. Locksmith's oath.

[Jake] Locksmith's oath?

[Ned] There's an oath.

Just saying.

[Jake] We already paid for the window, Ned.

[Ned] Yeah, but some new blinds would be nice.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] What?

[Des] Jake, you might wanna get down here fast. Your ex-wife's current husband, he just went into a massage parlour, and Jake, I think it's like a... I-- I think it's like a dirty one.

[Mal] How about cutting us copy Ned?

[Ned] Well, the sale takes precedence over the oath, so... 50 bucks.

[Jake] What?

[Jake] Keep him there.

[Ned] It's a long key.

[Jake] Alright Ned.

I want my change.

[Mal] You should get over to the bakery, look around.

[Jake] I gotta... Go get a massage.

It's a long story.

I'll meet you at the bakery.

Watch him.

And get my change.



[David] Hey, occupied here!

[Jake] David, what the hell?

[David] No, no, no. This is not how it seems.

[Jake] Oh, not how it seems?

Because it seems like you have a smoking hot naked missus giving you a massage.

[David] Jake... Jake...
(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Nikki! Hi how are you?

[David] Jake, please!

[Nikki] Hey, I'm sorry about today.

[Jake] Oh, yeah, about today Nikki.

[David] Tell me that's not Nikki.

[Nikki] Is that David?

Are you with David right now?

[Jake] No, no, no. God no.

[Nikki] Anyway, you talked me off a dangerous ledge today.

You're right. David would never cheat on me. He's rock solid.

He's too good. You're totally right.

[Jake] I gotta go. I'll call you later.

[Nikki] Uh... uh, sure.

[David] I'm her lawyer. She's filing suit against her employer.

[Masseuse] You guys, take this somewhere else.

[David] Would you just tell him?

[Masseuse] Get out!



[David] She is mistreated as a sex worker. I'm doing the work pro-bono.

[Mal] You got a massage with your ex-wife's husband?

[Jake] Not likely.

[David] She's filing a suit against the guy who owns the place.

I had to go there and act like a client, make sure she doesn't get found out.

[Mal] Sounds like fun.

[Jake] Just go wait in the car and shut up.

[Jake] Don't start with me.

[Deacon] Just try again. Jam it open with a fork. Forks are good.

[Kelly] It's not opening without the key. The key remember?

The one your friggin girlfriend has?

[Deacon] Yeah, Marie must have it. So what do we do now?

[Kelly] Get it back from her, idiot.

[Deacon] Just watch yourself, Ferrigno.

[Kelly] Do you ever think before you speak? Seriously. You sound like a moron. Let's find Marie and get the key.

[Deacon] Yeah? And what if she doesn't give it back to us?

[Kelly] Then we'll do whatever it takes to convince her.

[Jake] Alright. It sounds like Marie is in danger.

You better call Christian.

[Mal] I'm on it.

(Phone ringing)

[Christian] Yeah?

[Mal] Hey Christian, keep an eye out for some thugs.

They're looking for Marie.

[Christian] Alright, I'm on it.

[Mal] Christian's got Marie safe. Good boy he is, he'll protect her.

[Jake] Yeah, yeah. Let's just open this thing and find out what this is all about.

(Beeping)

[Jake] Whoa!

[Mal] Ugh.

[Jake] That is not what I expected to see at all.


♪Oh yeah!♪

[Jake] Are we supposed to think that that's Edwin Winters' hand?

[Mal] Or more importantly, do we think Marie cut it off?

[Jake] Why would someone as hot as her go around cutting off corpses' limbs?

[Mal] Either way, we have to find out why everyone wants this severed hand.

[Mal] Des! What the hell are you doing?

[Des] Oh, I was just, I was getting finger prints. That way we can run them and we can find out who's hand this really is... Was-- is-- was!

This is evidence, man!

[Jake] Put it down, you meathead.

[Mal] We gotta give that to the cops. Stop ruining the evidence.

[Des] Sorry b'ys.

[Rose] Hi. What's that?

[Mal] Don't ask. Talk in a bit honey.

[Rose] Okay.

[Rose] So did you hear the good news.

[Des] Yeah, I did. They're bringing back smurf ice cream at moo-moos. Wicked.

[Rose] Tinny was able to track down her transcripts.

[Des] Oh yeah? Oh, I didn't know it was missing.

[Rose] Yeah. It arrived just in time from england. Isn't that convenient?

[Des] Well, there's a time difference. Explains certain delays.

Like we're six months behind in getting new episodes of coronation street. That sucks.

[Rose] Spill it Courtney, because it'll only get worse after this.

[Des] How did I tip it? It was the calligraphy, wasn't it? It was too much.

[Rose] No.

Faxes don't come through on perfect 28 pound paper.

[Des] No they don't.



[Leslie] Edwin Winters from my crime scene was missing that hand when we found him.

[Mal] So you suspect our client, Marie, of dismembering the body?

[Jake] Look, I know I just met the girl, but I'm pretty sure she's not going to, you know, cut her dead uncle's arm off.

[Leslie] The lack of blood suggests that it was severed post-mortum, so whoever did it was a sick freak.

[Mal] I'd say.

[Jake] Listen, I'm just happy to see, Leslie, that you're showing some signs of jealousy again. It's good.

[Leslie] Malachy, tell Jake his new girlfriend sold an item stolen from the dead man, and didn't report the body until two days after. Classic in familiar murders. Right now, she's our number one suspect.

[Mal] So, what's your next girlfriend going to be, a necrophiliac?

[Mal] Time to play a demented cinderella and see if the hand matches the body.

(Drawer sliding)

[Leslie] Doyle, did you do this?

[Jake] Yes, b'y. I'm always at that.

[Leslie] If I find out you had anything to do with this, I swear to God I'll hang you from Cabot Tower.

[Jake] So you think Deacon and Kelly are the two geniuses that came back for the body?

[Mal] That's what they were rowing about back at the bakery.

So what's their next move?

[Jake] Ah God, I hope I'm wrong, but I think I know.

(Saw running)

[Mal] What in God's name are you doing?



[Mal] Jake! The body!



[Jake] Ow!



[Mal] What the hell's going on?

Why are they trying to cut up a dead body?

[Jake] I think I've got a pretty good idea.

[Jake] Now let's get the hell out of here.

(Tires screeching)

[Mal] How in the love of God did I let you get me into this Jake?

[Jake] Oh lord! Oh the smell.

[Mal] The body is rancid. It stinks. Gotta get it to the cops quick. Go on, move it!

[Jake] Oh, yes b'y. How are we going to explain to the cops why we have a dead body, and that it's covered in friggin' white flour?

[Mal] I think I'm gonna throw up.

[Jake] Don't you dare throw up in the car dad. Do not throw up in this car!

[Mal] (Groaning)

[Jake] I'll-- I'll pull up here. I'll pull up here!

(Tires screeching)

[Jake] (Coughing)

Oh my God!

[Mal] Oh, that's disgusting.

[Jake] Let's get him in the trunk.

[Jake] I got him.

[Mal] Okay.

[Jake] Go get some ice.

(Groaning)

[Jake] Help me get him in the trunk.

[Mal] No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no!

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] What?

[Christian] Don't freak out. The cops have Marie.

They're officially charging her with m*rder.

[Jake] Oh great.

(Phone ringing)

[Mal] What?

[Rose] Mal, I have to tell you something, but I want you to keep perspective.

[Mal] No offense, rose, but get to it.

[Rose] Tinny faked the transcript.

[Mal] What are you talking about?

[Rose] She never went to school in London.

[Mal] She did what? What are you talking about?

(Engine revving)

(Police sirens)

[Jake] Who was-- they just took the car!

[Mal] And the body.

(Sirens)

Freeze!

[Jake] Whoa!

Hands where I can see 'em!

Down on your knees!

[Mal] Alright!

♪Yeeeah♪

[Leslie] So, you're telling me you found the missing body, you moved it from the crime scene and then you lost it.

[Jake] Yes.

[Leslie] What the hell are you covered in?

[Jake] Well, this is flour, but that's a long story.

[Leslie] And you withheld evidence from a m*rder case.

[Jake] Yes, but Leslie, there were circumstances.

[Leslie] Where is Edwin Winters' body? I want to know right now.

[Jake] His body is in the trunk of my car, but the car was stolen. But you see, you find the car and you find your one handed... rotting.

Corpse.

[Mal] You lied!

What's worse, you cooked up a scheme, you presented it to us, then lied right to our faces!

[Tinny] - Popy---

[Mal] - I don't want to hear your voice, not right now! It's my turn!

[Rose] Malachy, remember we are in a police station.

[M] Good! I should have never locked up grand larceny.

Tinny, ww gave you 10 thousand dollars for your tuition.

What the hell did you do with it?

[Tinny] I still have it.

The money--
[Mal] - I have no idea what you've been doing all these months.

What am I supposed to believe?

When did you become such a good liar?

[Tinny] I'll pay it back.

[Mal] No, you'll listen to me.

You're going to come clean with me, and you're going to tell me exactly what happened. And you're going to give me that damn money back.

[Tinny] Why was he covered in flour?

[Rose] Not a good time to ask.

Let's go.

[Leslie] Stupid idiot!

[Jake] Leslie, could you please just stop yelling at me. Marie didn't do anything wrong.

[Leslie] Possession of body parts, break and entry, withholding evidence, contaminating crime scenes, moving dead bodies?

[Jake] If Marie k*lled her uncle, then why did she hire me to find the cigarette case that you were planning to convict her with?

[Leslie] Don't change the subject!

[Leslie] You know you Doyles walk around this station like you own the place.

[Jake] - Leslie--

[Leslie] - I don't want to hear it!

Get out!

[Jake] I-- (Slam!)

[Jake] I need you to-- you need to find my car!

[Mal] We need to salvage this day somehow, and the best way I can think of is to prove that poor girl is innocent.

[Jake] Alright. Just let me call my ex-wife's... husband.

[David] I had to steal Nikki's keys to get you in here. I can't leave you alone. If she finds out-- please, please don't destroy anything in here, okay?

[Jake] Don't you have to go to a rub n' tug or something?

And keep your voice down, alright?

I promise we won't leave anything here more dead than when we found it, so get out.

[David] - What if someone comes--

[Jake] - Get out.

[David] (Huffing)

[Mal] Is he cheating on Nikki?

[Jake] No, actually, his story checks out. I talked to the masseuse. I'm just gonna yank his chain a bit.

[Mal] Leave the poor couple alone. Just be happy you and Nikki aren't trying to k*ll each other.

[Jake] So, these guys, they get it in their head to rob some rich guy.

[Mal] If they want the real score, they're going to have one major obstacle.

[Jake] They just need... One thing to make it all happen.

[David] Guys, I think I just heard a-- (Gasp)



[Kelly] Can you try lifting him up?

[Deacon] I am lifting.

[Kelly] Okay.

(Beeping)

Yes!

[Jake] You, uh, fellas need a "hand"?



(Beeping)

[Jake] So, did I earn your fatherly love or what?

[Mal] You did great. Almost as good as Christian.

[Jake] Yeah, well, we'll see about that.

Ugh.

[Mal] You okay?

[Jake] Yup. I'm fine.

(Bang)

[Mal] There you go.



[Tinny] I don't know what happened. I guess I cracked.

I didn't go.

Like, how could I leave you guys behind? And Jake?

And... I know it makes me look like a tool.

[Rose] No, it doesn't. But the lying part? That's unacceptable.

[Tinny] I guess.

I mean, I know.

[Mal] Tinny, you act like a grown-up, but you're a kid.

You can act your age, you know. It's okay.

[Rose] Why didn't you just come home?

[Tinny] I did. By the time I figured things out and got here, you guys were already gone on vacation. I couldn't tell you.

[Mal] So instead you just blew the money.

[Tinny] No, I swear. I didn't touch a cent of the money.

I worked two jobs the whole time.

[Mal] I don't know what's a lie and what isn't anymore.

[Tinny] I just, I thought I'd let you down by not going, so--

[mal] Tinny I can't believe you.

The biggest let-down here is that my granddaughter lied to me.

[Tinny] I am sorry.

[Mal] You're gonna catch up on all of it, the school you missed.

Night classes. Weekends.

[Tinny] I know. I will.

[Mal] Don't ever do that to me again, okay? Because if you do, you'll break a young man's heart.

I love you more than anything on this planet.

Remember that.

[Leslie] So we found the severed hand in the vault, along with the two perps and the dead body.

[Jake] I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.

[Leslie] Right, and it's funny how you magically got your car back.

[Jake] You know, you look really, really nice today.

[Leslie] Don't even try it.

Because you're really pissing me off Jake. Really.

[Marie] (Laughing)

[Marie] Jake. Hi.

[Jake] Hi.

[Marie] I don't know how to thank you.

[Jake] Well, I could think of a couple of ways, but you seem to be having a pretty good time over there.

[Marie] Maybe I can start by buying you a drink tonight.

[Jake] Me, you and my brother, you mean?

[Marie] He does remind me of somebody, and he just spent the entire time talking about what a great guy you are.

[Jake] Is that so?

(Chime)

[Jake] Sorry.

I would love to go have a drink with you. In fact, I would like to buy you dinner. I just, I need to take a rain check.

I can't do it tonight.

[Marie] Yes. But I'm not gonna wait forever for you, buddy.

[Jake] Understood.

[Jake] Let me guess, you were doing the whole talking nice about me thing, but it was actually an angle, right, so you could sweep in for the steal?

[Christian] What can I tell you, buttons, she's hot. But none of us really change, do we?

(Phone ringing)

[Nikki] Jake?

[Jake] Relax, b'y. Relax.

I'm on my way.



[Jake] Oh, hey. Uh, I want to apologize to you for something.

[Nikki] - No Jake, I have to--

[Jake] - Shut up! Listen to me, please! Okay?

I have to tell you I followed David.

Followed David.

[Nikki] I know. It's okay.

He told me everything.

[Jake] He told you. Seriously?

[Nikki] Yeah. He told me all about the massage parlour.

Everything. And it's fine.

[Jake] Wow. I'm impressed. If that was me I think you would have split my head open for only half that but--

[Nikki] Well, I've always enjoyed that he does pro-bono work.

[Jake] Pro-- well, he picks interesting clients for his pro-bono work.

[Nikki] Stop. He is a good man.

[Jake] I know. I know.

[Nikki] Why did you follow him?

[Jake] I followed him because you asked me to follow him.

[Nikki] No, because you said that you wouldn't, and then you did, even after you told me to let it lay.

[Jake] Alright.

Okay, Nikki, I know that you and I weren't exactly good for each other. I know that.

But that doesn't mean that I don't care about you. Or that I don't or won't always love you.

So, someone messes with you, I'm gonna have a serious problem with that.

Sue me.

[Nikki] Thank-- thank you.

That's nice.

[Jake] Alright.

[Nikki] And, uh, you know... Same here.

I'll always love you too.
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