03x05 - Dead Man Talking

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[Narrator] Previously on Republic of Doyle...

[Mal] Kathleen, when did you get here?

[Kathleen] Tonight. Cool, hey?

[Jake] You show up here without even a phone call.

[Kathleen] You know, Jake, this is so none of your business.

[Carl] What are you at, copper?

[Mal] I misjudged you, Carl.

[Carl] Yeah, I appreciate that.

But if you keeps the secret, we're square.

[Mal] Yeah.

[Kathleen] You know, we need some catch up time.

[Tinny] I wanna hang, I do. But I've got this big test coming up.

[Kathleen] Tinny, she seems a little pissed at me. I'm sure we'll figure it out.

[Des] Are you an angel?

[Tinny] Who is this, Des?

[Des] This is Chandra.

[Tinny] I don't care what skank you might be making out with.

[Des] Uh, that skank has a name.

[Jake] The guy you were with, your date. Is there something real there between you two?

[Leslie] Maybe.

[Tinny] What about tonight?

We could go for a walk or something.

Just you and me... all alone.

[Des] Alone... alone! Yeah.

Yeah, that's um... That is totally something we could do...

If that's the best thing to do this evening, for you and me.

Great. Great.

[Tinny] It's just... I miss you.

Like, hanging out with you and stuff.

[Des] Yeah, I don't know how I feel, but it's something like weird.

(Phone chiming)

[Tinny] What?

[Des] Uh, nothing. Nothing.

[Kathleen] Hey, isn't that the famous wrongfully convicted guy?

[Reporter] Carl Maher, a man who was granted a healthy settlement for an overturned m*rder two years ago has d*ed today.

Mr. Maher... [Tinny] Hmm. Poppy and Uncle Jake worked a case for him.

[Des] Yeah. He was a crazy dude.

[Reporter] ...A diving accident off the coast of Newfoundland, near Belle Island.

[Kathleen] I wonder who is getting all his money.

[Rose] Morning.

[Kathleen] Hey! Good morning. So I have some good news. I have...

[Rose] Kathleen, you don't have to do that.

[Kathleen] Rose...

[Rose] This is your house too.

[Kathleen] It's fine. It is.

We all need our alone time.

So... [Kathleen] 'Kay, so come on runt. Let's take on signal hill.

[Tinny] Whatever. So we're on for later, right?

[Des] Uh, I'm gonna give you a solid, definite maybe. I'll check in with you... later.

[Rose] Thinking yours is the real deal. Mine is just a cheap knock off Jake bought me for Christmas.

[Kathleen] Huh?

[Rose] Your purse. It's real.

[Kathleen] Oh, my purse.

[Rose] Mine's fake.

[Kathleen] Mine was a gift.

[Kathleen] I mean, 2 grand, I mean, I would never.

[Rose] (Laughs) No. Me neither.

I wouldn't have anything left to put in it.

[Kathleen] Okay so we'll see you later, Rose. Um, yeah so, maybe I could make us supper later.

[Rose] Yeah, that'd be really nice.

[Kathleen] Okay.

[Rose] Enjoy your hike.

[Des] Yeah, I got to go to the doctor. I got stuff to be had too.

[Rose] Alright love.

[Mal] When I said "fill up the van" I didn't mean the inside.

The thing reeks of gasoline.

[Jake] Okay, first of all, it's turpentine. And second of all, blame Des. It's his fault.

[Mal] You're both cut off from that van. I put a lot of work into it. Touch it again and I'll board it up.

And you left the TV on again. Good to know you're made of money.

[Jake] Just shut up and listen, will you?

[Reporter] Mr. Maher was a news maker on many levels, from his conviction to his release to his subsequent settlement of 4 million dollars. Mr. Maher leaves behind his wife Olive, and sister Crystal.

[Jake] Carl Maher is dead?

[Crystal] Yes.

[Mal] Crystal Maher?

[Crystal] I really need to talk to you. It's about my brother, Carl.

[Mal] You okay, dear?

[Crystal] To be honest Malachy, I'm feeling a tad bit on the guilty side.

[Jake] Guilty for what?

[Crystal] Oh baby, you'll see.

[Jake] Why'd you do that to me?

[Crystal] Shh.

[Jake] (Thud)

[Crystal] Sweetie pie.

[Carl] What are you at?

[Jake] Carl?

[Carl] Just relax, me buddy. Go with it.

[Carl] Have a good nap now.

[Jake] Carl--

[Carl] (Whistles)

Hello?

[Mal] I thought you were dead.

[Carl] That's what my m*rder*r thinks too.

[Mal] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Easy, Carl. Easy.

[Jake] What did you drug us with, you psycho?

[Carl] Relax copper. I'm not gonna k*ll him, sure. I'm dead, remember?

[Crystal] Sure, he's too cute to k*ll.

[Carl] That is right. Here.

It's already loaded.

All you gotta do is pull the trigger, my son. You don't trust me? sh**t me.

[Mal] How are we supposed to trust you Carl?

[Carl] Who got the g*n, b'y?

Jake does. Now if you're going to sh**t me, do it. If not, stop all this sucky bullshit. I need your help.

[Crystal] (Laugh)

[Jake] (Thud)

[Carl] Why's he so messed up?

[Crystal] I gave him a drop more of the sedative.

[Carl] Freak show of a woman, right?

[Carl] Just leave the poor fellow alone, love. Go get the copper and me a drink. Go on.

[Carl] Sorry about that. Sorry about that. It's the only way we could get you here without being followed, right?

[Jake] Oh I get it. Drug us and kidnap us, and then you hire us.

Listen buddy, we gotta go. Have a nice, you know, afterlife.

[Jake] Or perhaps we could stay for one drink, wha father?

[Carl] So everyone thinks I d*ed scuba diving. I almost did, sure.

[Crystal] Someone messed up his oxygen tanks the morning he left. He almost d*ed.

[Carl] I had to crawl myself up to the surface. A lesser man would be dead, b'y, dead.

[Mal] So, you decided to fake your own death, then hire us to find out who tried to k*ll you.

[Carl] He's some sharp.

[Crystal] Tell them about the other stuff.

[Carl] Okay, somebody turn on my car in the middle of the night in the garage, tried to off me while I slept.

[Crystal] Carbon monoxide poisoning.

[Mal] Thank you.

[Crystal] Then, they put cats in my brother's house.

[Carl] Mm hmm.

[Jake] Cats?

[Carl] Got a severe allergy.

That there, that's my wife, Olive. I think she's the one that wants me dead.

[Jake] There's a healthy marriage.

[Crystal] Everyone wants his money.

[Carl] Yes, but nobody knows where it's to, right? Crystal?

Can't trust the lot of them.

That's Erin Riggs, my business partner. That there, the one that keeps my books, Bertie Antle. Hated him since I hired him.

[Jake] If you think someone's trying to k*ll you, why don't you just go to the cops?

[Carl] Woman, stay away from the money!

[Carl] Would you trust the cops if you was me? I'll give you half now and half later.

[Mal] So, we'll see what we can do, Carl.

[Carl] I dare say you will, sir.

[Jake] (Coughing)

♪

[Rose] Okay, so someone's trying to k*ll him?

[Mal] Might be. I don't know.

Who's got the most to gain from Carl being dead? That's the 4 million dollar question.

[Jake] You know what? We should stick Des with him in that weird bunker place. You know, keep an eye, see if anyone's coming or going.

[Jake] Oh, and by the way, what happened to my house key?

[Mal] I gave it to Kathleen.

[Jake] So you took it off of my key chain?

[Mal] Grow up. You don't live there anymore.

[Jake] Oh I get it. He's too cheap to get a new one cut.

Nice.

[Rose] See ya.

Speaking of Kathleen, she's looking for an apartment.

[Mal] Oh.

Oh, that's great. Great.

[Rose] Yeah. I really like her.

You raised a good kid.

[Mal] One kid out of three ain't too bad. See you later, doll.

[Des] Boozy coffees?

[Chandra] Uh, not likely. I have class.

[Chandra] (Kiss)

So, about tonight. What do you want to do?

[Des] Yeah, about that. I was thinking, uh, we could do something, uh, maybe separately, uh, and then we could get together tomorrow to discuss, just you and me, recapping tonight, which we'd do apart.

[Chandra] Des, is everything okay?

[Des] Yeah. Yeah!

(Phone ringing)

Oh, sorry. Uh, I just... Uh... oh, that's work.

I gotta take this.

Just, just one second.

[Chandra] Okay.

[Des] Jake?

[Jake] Top secret mission.

You ready?

[Des] Born.

[Jake] What?

[Des] I'm... born ready. For the mission.

[Jake] Calm down. Alright? I need you to, uh, babysit Carl Maher. It's kind of like a security detail thing.

[Des] Carl Maher? You know I can't see dead people, right?

[Jake] Okay, just shut up. I'll text you the location. Tell no one, alright?

[Des] Okay.

[Des] Uh, I'm really sorry. I, um... I gotta go. Can we maybe talk later though, or something?

[Chandra] Uh... it's... yeah, it's fine. I-- I gotta study anyway, so...

[Des] That's hot. I mean, you-- you are hot. I mean, yes!

[Chandra] (Laughs)

[Des] You-- you-- yeah, you are hot. You look good.

[Chandra] Get outta here.

[Des] Okay. (Laughs)

[Jake] So Carl thinks his wife tried to k*ll him. Really, it's a match made in heaven.

[Mal] Let's just talk to her, feel her out.

[Jake] What the hell is this?

[Mal] Erin and Bert.

[Bert] I told you to give it a few days.

[Erin] While we watch the whole business go under? I thought Olive would be glad to sell.

[Bert] Your little gift for Olive didn't soften her stance.

But I'll put it to good use.

[Erin] Bert, give me-- give me that! You've been sober three years.

[Bert] Well, perfect. It'll give me a reason to celebrate! I hated Carl when he was alive, and now even from the grave he's making my life a living hell.

[Jake] Guess what?

[Bert] Don't-- ♪

(Door shutting)

(Knocking)

[Jake] Hi Olive.

[Olive] Who are you? Did they send you to get me to sign the business over? Because if they did I already gave you my answer.

[Mal] No, no, no. We're private investigators, actually. We wanted to talk to you about the circumstances surrounding your husband's... death.

[Olive] Who hired you? Crystal?

She thinks I k*lled him. And I didn't. It's hard enough living with her. The woman's a maniac!

[Jake] It's nothing like that.

We're just friends of Carl's, and, um, we're just looking for a little insight.

[Olive] I'm sorry. It's just, it's been a trying day.

[Olive] Carl went diving on his own. Which I begged him not to do. Sometimes you just couldn't tell him anything.

[Jake] It's no secret that Carl... Well, that he had a lot of money.

[Olive] You want to know who got his money? You should talk to Crystal.

He gave her all the cash and left me half of a paving company that's been losing money for months. But honestly, money doesn't matter.

Without Carl, it's not worth anything.

None of it.

[Olive] If you'll see yourselves out, I'm going to try to get a minute of sleep while crazy Crystal's out of the house. Lock the door behind you.

[Mal] Sorry for your loss.

[Jake] She's obviously not a fan of Crystal's.

[Mal] Take that as a warning. I know she drugged us, and a normal man wouldn't see that as a turn-on, but we're talking about you, remember?

(Phone ringing)

[Mal] I'm gonna track down the business partners, have a chat.

See you later.

[Jake] Hello?

[Kathleen] Jake, this is kind of an emergency, okay? Do you have Rose's cell phone number?

[Jake] Oh great. What did you do?

[Kathleen] Just give me the number and don't be a brat.

[Jake] Well, the number is on a piece of paper stuck to the fridge, but I want to know, what are you into here, Kathleen?

[Kathleen] You know what, I'm not into anything, okay? And I didn't do anything.

[Jake] Right.

(Rose's cell phone ringing)

[Jake] What was that? Hello?

Kathleen?

[Jake] Kathleen?

[Kathleen] Crap. Yeah, I gotta go.

[Jake] Ka-- (Seagulls)

(Construction noises)

[Erin] Bert and I have been trying to buy out Carl's share for over a year. But now Olive refuses to sell. We're barely staying afloat here. If she ties up the business like this, we are sunk.

[Mal] Why won't she sell?

[Erin] It's beyond me. She's got no interest in the paving business. And, to be Frank, I'm not sure she was very interested in Carl either.

[Mal] Is that a fact?

[Erin] No, it's not. But if you ask me, I would tell you that Olive only married Carl for his money.

[Bert] We gotta talk. Now.

[Mal] Hey Bert. How ya doing?

[Bert] I know you?

[Mal] Malachy Doyle.

[Erin] Malachy is investigating Carl's death.

[Bert] Good luck with that.

[Erin] He's just ticked off.

With Carl dead, the whole thing's a mess. Excuse me.

(Engine starting)

[Des] (Sigh)

I'm about to enter the hideout of one Carl Maher. Oh, and in case anything should happen to me, I'd like to leave all of my worldly possessions to a charity... Of Tinny Doyle's choice.

[Des] Oh, and Jake? Could you, um, could you erase all of my Internet history and the cache from my laptop? I just think some things could be misinterpreted given the circumstances.

Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, I've been m*rder*d by Carl Maher.

[Carl] Who are you?

[Des] uh, uh, I'm Des.

I'm-I'I'm no one...
[Des] (coughing)

[Des] I'm Des.

[Carl] Are you Des or are you no one?

[Des] I'm Des. Jake sent me.

Come on inside then.

(Click)

(Zap!)

[Des] (Thud)

[Des] (Sputtering)

[Carl] (Laughing)

[Carl] Oh, my son, you should see your face. It's priceless.

[Des] Jake wanted me to...

[Carl] Babysit the dead man.

Yes, I knows, b'y, I knows. Just yanking your chain. Get up, get up.

[Carl] You like g*ns?

[Des] Sure.

[Carl] Come on.

[Kathleen] Yeah, Rose just left her phone behind and I thought maybe she was out with you, so, yeah, I'll just, I'll just try someone else. Thanks.

[Jake] You wanna tell me what's going on?

[Kathleen] You know what? My Prada purse is missing, and I think Rose took it.

[Jake] You think that Rose stole your purse? What are you, a lunatic?

[Kathleen] No, I know Rose didn't steal my purse, arsehole, I think she took it by mistake.

[Jake] So what if she did?

[Kathleen] I have dr*gs in the purse, okay? Yep. Three grams of hash oil.

[Jake] Can you still get hash oil?

[Kathleen] Jake, this is really serious.

[Jake] Three grams of hash oil.

Look, I-- I'm sure it's fine, okay? Rose is no prude, believe me.

[Kathleen] I guess I just don't want her thinking I'm some sort of criminal, you know?

[Jake] Look, relax, okay? Rose is cool. It'll be, uh... fine.

[Jake] Hello?

[Crystal] Someone's in the house and they're trying to k*ll me.

[Jake] (Sigh)

Really? Okay. Just stay there, and I'll be there in a minute.

[Crystal] Come quick, please. I may end up dead, Jake. Do you want that?

[Jake] Alright, I gotta go.

It's a-- [Kathleen] Yeah.

[Jake] Never mind.

[Kathleen] Yeah, go.

♪

(Dogs barking)

[Officer] All right, all right, come on.

[Leslie] Fling, can you run them around the circuit one more time?

[Fling] Okay, come on. Again.

[Rose] Nice day for dog training.

[Leslie] Yeah. It's too bad we can't train them to get me a coffee.

[Rose] Oh. Did you have a hard one last night?

[Leslie] It was a going away party for one of the b'ys.

A little later than what I'm used to.

[Officer] C'mon boy. C'mon. Up!

[Leslie] Rose?

[Rose] What?

[Leslie] Your glasses for a minute? My head's k*lling me.

(Barking)

[Rose] Here you go.

[Leslie] Thanks.

[Leslie] If you're wondering about the Carl Maher accident, Jake already asked. Foul play was ruled out. We didn't find much. The diving tanks and gear and everything was swept out to sea, along with his body.

[Rose] Wow, right.

[Leslie] That's a nice bag. P.I.

Business is treating you well I see.

[Rose] (Laughing) No, it's a knock off.

[Leslie] Really? I could have sworn that's the real deal.

[Rose] Not likely. I'll-- I'll talk to you later.

(Clears throat)

Feel better, hey?

[Leslie] Rose, get back here.

[Leslie] Your glasses.

[Rose] Oh yeah. You keep them for the day.

[Leslie] No, I'll just forget them someplace.

[Rose] Okay.

[Dog] (Whimper)

[Rose] Oh my. What a... friendly dog.

[Dog] (Bark)

[Leslie] Rose, that's a drug dog. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to look in that purse.

[Carl] Hee-ya!

(g*n sh*ts)

(Noises)

(Laugh)

Go on and set 'em up. We goes again. Come on boy.

[Des] Okay.

(Crash)

[Carl] Faster, b'y. Faster, faster, faster. Go.

(Crashing)

[Carl] You know, this panic room is fully sound proof. I could k*ll you in here, and not a blessed soul on the whole earth would know about it. That's awesome, right?

[Des] That is awesome.

[Des] Please don't let him k*ll me. I don't want to die here.

[Carl] Come out.

Calm down, hold it up, alright?
[Des] Okay.

[Carl] Hold it up nice and steady.

[Des] Alright.

[Carl] Take a nice breath. Calm down, okay?

[Des] Okay.

[Carl] It's all good. Right?

[Des] Okay.

[Carl] Take a breath, aim... Now sh**t, b'y, sh**t!

(Rapid g*n fire)

[Carl] (Laughing)

What's wrong with you?

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Reload, try it again.

[Des] Okay.

[Carl] You gotta learn to protect yourself, boy. You never knows when you're going to need it.

[Des] Yeah, yeah, tell me about it.

(g*n sh*ts)

[Des] Carl! Carl, I got three of them! Carl!

Carl?

Aw, poopy.

(Knocking)

[Jake] Well, I though someone was trying to k*ll you.

Man, you Maher's... you're certainly good at faking your own deaths.

[Crystal] I guess I just needed your attention. I was lonely. Is that so bad, Jakey?

[Jake] Where's Olive?

[Crystal] Ah, don't worry. Olive is out. It's just you... and me.

[Jake] Great.

(Clink)

[Crystal] Jakey, I'm worried... About my brother.

[Jake] Well, at least you know he's alive. There must be some comfort in that.

[Crystal] Carl thought Olive was running around with that accountant, Bert.

[Jake] Really?

[Crystal] He thinks that's why she was trying to k*ll him.

[Crystal] So she and Bert could be together.

[Jake] You think that Carl faked his own death so he could exact... revenge on Bert.

[Crystal] He's got a wicked temper.

[Jake] Indeed he does.

[Crystal] Carl changed his will. He left all his money to me. As a safety precaution.

[Jake] Well... [Crystal] (Kiss)

[Jake] I mean... isn't he, uh... Isn't he worried that maybe you'll spend it all?

[Crystal] I'd have to find it first. Carl don't believe in banks. God knows where it's stashed. So I was thinking, maybe you'd help a girl out.

[Jake] Whoa, whoa, whoa. You want me to rob your brother with a sledgehammer?

[Crystal] It's gotta be around here somewhere. 50-50, you and me. Or we could make it a permanent partnership and run away together.

[Jake] Okay, isn't this place like full of cameras?

[Crystal] I walk around naked... a lot.

[Jake] Okay.

[Crystal] He turns the cameras off, so we can do whatever we wants and no one will see us.

[Jake/Crystal] (Kissing)

[Jake] I mean... you betraying your brother, it's kind of rotten.

[Crystal] Don't make it sound so dirty.

[Mal] Am I interrupting something?

[Jake] No.

[Crystal] Yes!

(Jake's phone ringing)

(Mal's phone ringing)

[Jake] What?

[Mal] Hello?

[Carl] Copper, I need your help. Now!

[Des] At first, I thought Carl was playing hide-and-g*n-seek, or whatever weird thing he does, but um--

[Jake] What the hell are you talking about?

[Des] Okay, I looked everywhere for him in this... weird, weird place, but man, I lost him.

[Jake] You lost Carl?

[Mal] I found him. We gotta go. Bye.

[Jake] Uh... Yo...

[Jake] Carl?

[Carl] Boys, Bertie was screwing my wife, and now he's dead.

He's dead! Look!

[Carl] Nice job.

[Jake] So what do we do now? We can't harbour an undead fugitive forever.

[Mal] Carl thinks Olive and Bert were having an affair.

(Knocking)

[Jake] Hood?

[Mal] Reason to k*ll him?

[Jake] Yeah, maybe. I mean, uh, Carl said something like he saw them arguing on one of his cameras like they were a couple. What does that even mean?

[Mal] Take a look at your wedding video.

[Hood] So... [Mal] Hey.

[Hood] This Bert, according to the coroner, someone moved him post-mortem.

[Mal] Cause of death?

[Hood] What do I look like?

[Jake] Well, if you're just going to lob them over the plate like that at me, hoodie, I have to answer it. So you look like-- [Mal] Jake.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Sorry. Hello?

[Rose] Jake! Don't say anything, and do not tell Malachy that you're on the phone with me right now. I'm at the police station. I-- I'm sort of under arrest, and I-- I-- I may need you to come bail me out. Do not tell Malachy. Jake, Malachy cannot know about this.

[Hood] What's up with him?

[Mal] God only knows.

[Jake] I'll call you... sometime.

(Door opening)

(Footsteps)

[Leslie] Thanks officer. We don't need to do all that. Give us a minute?

(Door shutting)

[Leslie] Hash oil?

[Rose] Mmm. Glaucoma. It's doctor prescribed.

[Leslie] Right. Let me guess.

Your doctor, his office is a van down behind Shaw's garage?

[Rose] Come on Leslie. It's not like I'm a drug dealer or anything.

[Leslie] Yeah, no, I suppose not. But no matter what you believe...

dr*gs are still illegal Rose.

[Rose] Yes, they are.

[Jake] Oh, I gotta go see Bennett. She's depressed.

[Hood] Why is Bennett depressed?

[Jake] I don't know. Maybe because her partner's an arsehole who has terrible b.O.

[Hood] The two of you, out, now.

I've got better things to be doing than helping an ungrateful jerk.

[Mal] Just block him out. That's what I do.

[Hood] Sorry Mal, but you've got a disrespectful son, and I'm done helping you. Out.

[Mal] That was smooth. Nice.

[Mal] Hey! Erin.

[Mal] You okay?

[Erin] Bert had no next of kin.

Just me. So I got called in to answer a few questions. I can't believe this happened. I mean, poor Bert. You, know, first-- first Carl, and now this.

[Mal] Who do you think-- [Jake] Uh, uh, uh, uh... I'll be-- I'll be-- I'll be--

I'll be right back.

[Mal] Who do you think coulda really done this?

Bert told me he was meeting with Olive. She was the last person to see him alive.

[Mal] Is that so?

[Erin] She and Bert were... Well, people were talking.

Excuse me, I... excuse me.

[Leslie] So let me get this straight. When were you diagnosed with glaucoma?

[Jake] Hi, Leslie. Uh, listen, are you charging Rose, because if you are, that's fine. I can post bail and then can we go?

[Leslie] Excuse me?

[Jake] I'm-- I'm just saying that I know I'm not her lawyer, or-- or-- or whatnot.

But, uh, I mean, if you're not charging her...
[Rose] For my glaucoma, remember?

[Jake] Crap.

[Leslie] Get out.

Get out!

[Jake] Going.

(Door shutting)

[Mal] You coming?

[Jake] Yeah.

[Mal] What's wrong? What are you doing?

[Jake] No, I'm just looking at some blinds. I'm thinking about getting some for the office.

What do you think?

[Mal] Hurry up.

[Leslie] I'm warning you, Jake.

Don't get on my nerves today.

[Jake] Why would I-- why would I-- why- I mean, I--?

[Rose] Pst. Hey, where's Malachy?

[Jake] He's just out by the friggin door. Did you find the hash oil, I guess?

[Rose] Yeah, and this. It was in Kathleen's purse.

[Jake] Why does Kathleen have a g*n in her purse?

[Rose] I don't know. But don't tell Malachy anything about it until I can talk to Kathleen.

[Mal] Hey! Dough-head. You coming?

[Jake] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Be there in a minute.

[Rose] See you later.

[Jake] (Sigh)

[Carl] Come on, son. You're making me some nervous. I can't handle eyes on me.

[Des] Jake said not to take my eyes off you, and I won't let him down twice in one day. I'm a man of my word, Carl.

(Phone ringing)

[Tinny] Yo.

[Des] Oh hey. Hi, yeah. The Tin-- the Tinny.

Hey, how-- how you doing?

[Tinny] Don't be a freak. Are we hanging later or what?

[Des] Yeah, I can't wait.

Totally. I-- I-- totally. But I might have to, to work or something.

[Tinny] Right. Well, I'll see you back at home, so... don't be too late.

[Des] Alright, bye.

[Carl] Buddy's got a woman.

[Des] It's no big deal.

[Jake] Carl.

[Carl] What?

[Jake] Did you k*ll Bert?

[Carl] No.

[Jake] You sure? You told us you thought that he and your wife were, you know... [Carl] If I was you, I'd back right off, sir.

[Mal] Come on Carl. We need to know. Did you think Bert and Olive were having an affair?

(Paper crinkling)

[Jake] Well that's clearly him and your wife.

[Mal] So she lied to us when we asked if she saw Bert before his m*rder.

[Jake] Carl, you're a pretty excitable guy. I mean, I can see you k*lling a fellow for a hell of a lot less.

[Carl] Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yes. But I had no proof.

Not enough to k*ll him. Wish I was really dead now.

[Mal] Carl, we're going to go to your house, talk to Olive, get some clarity on this. But Carl, we need you to stay here.

[Jake] Uh, dad?

All due respect, I mean, do you really think that Des there, we can count on him to keep Carl?

[Des] Aw.

♪

[Des] Now Jake said to stay in the van, and stay out of his way. Because if anyone sees you alive, Carl Maher, then the jig... is up.

[Carl] Oh.

[Des] Now that's Jake's words.

And I said, "you got it skipper."

And he said, "stop calling me that."

And I said, "Jakey-boy, little Jakey, why don't you stop with the agro?".

[Carl] Really?

[Des] Yeah.

[Carl] Did you say that?

[Des] After he left, I said... Right after... right after...

You want to start this off?

[Des] That stuff is very, very bad for your brain, Carl.

[Carl] So is almost getting k*lled.

Mmm.

Mmm.

So... so tell me about your women troubles. Trust me.

I've got tons of experience.

[Des] Really? That's cool.

[Crystal] (Banging!)

[Olive] Crystal!

You're a psycho!

Give me-- (Bang!)

[Jake] What the hell are you doing?

[Crystal] It's my money, Jake.

Back off.

[Mal] You wanna calm down there?

(Bang!)

[Jake] Olive?

We need to talk to you.

[Crystal] Oh, Olive!

You interested in her now?

[Mal] Dear lord.

(Bang!)

[Mal] Olive, what do you know about Bert's death?

[Olive] Bert was a friend.

[Crystal] What kind of a friend?

[Olive] Oh, don't use that tone with me. I know what you're implying. A man's dead, my friend is dead, so yes, I'm a little upset!

[Crystal] Get your hands off of me!

[Olive] Oh!

[Crystal] (Banging!)

[Jake] Okay, Olive, you were the last person to see Bert alive.

[Olive] No, I wasn't. I haven't seen Bert since this morning when he came by with Erin.

[Crystal] I will hit you!

[Jake] You sure it wasn't later, when you met him at the paving office?

[Olive] All of you just leave me alone.

[Jake] Would you give me that hammer?

[Crystal] Dammit Jake, I am entitled to whatever is in this safe.

[Jake] Just-- [Crystal]
Get away from me!

I'm the inheritor. It's in his will!

[Crystal] (Bang!)

[Jake] (Panting)

[Mal] Carl and Olive's wedding pictures?

[Crystal] And some p*rn.

That's it!

There's no money, nothing!

Ha! Except this.

[Jake] It's an open-ended airline ticket in Carl Maher's name.

[Mal] He's planning a get-away.

[Crystal] See. I told you. He kills Bert and he beats it. And he's got my money.

[Jake] But-- da-- I know it.

Don't say a word.

[Des] So, there are these two perfect, perfect women, and they really like me.

[Carl] Have you tried... Gettin' them together?

It could work.

[Des] It's just Tinny... Tinny's off limit's man.

[Carl] Mmm.

[Des] Yeah. She's off limits, because-- she only, she only likes me because she's bored.

[Carl] Mmm.

[Des] And she's-- and I'm, and I'm terrified that she'll break my heart.

[Carl] She will. They always do.

[Des] Carl? What was I saying?

[Carl] Something about getting them...to kiss. Is there any food in this van, or what?

[Des] What would I do if I was Jake?

[Carl] (Laughing) Jake... [Des] Yeah.

(Laughing)

[Carl] I loves it.

[Des] I love Jake.

[Des] I tell Tinny I love her...

[Carl] Whatever.

[Des] And I tell Chandra that we are not right together right now.

[Carl] Mmm. (Inhale)

[Des] But there is a f-- [Carl] Fire.

[Des] Fire! There's a fire. Yes.

There's a fire between us.

That's an excellent choice of words, Carl. A fire.

[Carl] There's a fire in here.

[Des] In my heart for Tinny too?

Yeah, yeah, there's fire. It's really confusing.

[Carl] No man. There's a serious fire in this van right now.

[Des] Oh.

[Des] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God there's a fire in the van. Fire in the van! Get out of here! Carl, how do you open the door? How do you open the door? I've never opened it before! How do you open it?!

[Carl] Push. Push, boy.

[Mal] Do you think Carl faked this whole thing?

[Jake] Well I think that Carl's crazy, okay? That much I know.

We just gotta make sure that he keeps laying low and he doesn't draw too much attention-- (Boom!)

[Mal] Des?

(Car horns)

[Rose] Hi there Kathleen.

So nice to see you.

[Kathleen] Rose, I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry-- [Kathleen] Ah, ah, ah!

[Rose] Would you like to explain to me what you're doing...

With a g*n in your purse?

[Rose] Although it did distract me from almost getting busted for drug possession.

[Kathleen] I had a guy out west who was stalking me for a while.

I got a g*n. I never used it. I just had it in case he tried anything.

[Rose] Really?

[Kathleen] Rose, I didn't mean for you to take my purse!

I tried to call and everything that I could think of.

[Kathleen] All I can say is I'm sorry.

[Rose] Forget it. Just don't ever bring a g*n into that house again, you got me?

[Kathleen] Yeah, of course.

[Rose] And if you have hash oil, share it.

[Kathleen] I'm going to set this straight, okay? I promise.

[Rose] Okay. I'm going to get rid of this, and I think you owe me a drink.

[Kathleen] Deal.

[Kathleen] Uh, excuse me? [Waitress] Yeah?

[Rose] Vodka. Lots of it.

[Waitress] Okay.

♪

[Mal] That van cost a lot of money. Not to mention the fact that you almost k*lled Des.

[Carl] Des is fine.

[Des] No I'm not.

[Carl] Besides, was I that contracted you two to find out who was trying to k*ll me, and they almost succeeded right under your nose.

[Jake] Or you're just a stoned idiot who blew up our van.

[Carl] 75 grand, love.

[Carl] Go on. Go buy a van now.

On me.

[Jake] So that's where you're stashing it. You might want to tell your sister and save her the trouble.

[Carl] What's that s'posed to mean?

[Mal] She's been scouring your house looking for your stashed money, Carl.

[Carl] You never mind about my sister. Why don't you do your job?

[Des] Jake! I feel really funny.

Uh, I think Carl drugged me. I am starving, but I feel like my hands are too big to go inside a bag of chips. How could that happen? I-- I don't deserve to feel this way.

[Carl] Des.

[Jake] (Sigh)

Do you ever think maybe no one's trying to k*ll you?

[Carl] So I imagined this whole thing?

[Mal] Be an interesting way to k*ll Bert and make a clean getaway, and, uh, what are you doing with an open-ended airline ticket?

[Carl] Back up plan, in case you found out that Olive was the one who was trying to k*ll me, I was going to disappear.

[Jake] Alright. Say you didn't k*ll Bert. I think it's safe to say whoever did is the one who's after you. I'll go dig around in Bert's things, see what I can't find.

[Mal] I'll stay here with Cheech and Chong, make sure they don't burn down the office too.

[Jake] Des.

(Snap)

[Des] Wha? Wha's goin' on?

[Jake] Just cool down. [Des] Okay.

[Jake] I need you to tap into Carl's security cameras.

[Des] But Jake, my hands.

(Door shutting)

[Jake] Bert, you're drinkin' again.

[Jake] "Sorry for your loss, Erin and Bert".

(Car engine)

[Jake] Okay, it's time that you came clean with me. If you were having an affair with Bert and, and Carl finds out, he'll k*ll you and himself.

[Olive] Carl's dead.

[Jake] No, I know that. I mean... If he was alive, he'd be capable of k*lling you and himself.

[Olive] And I would never betray him. I loved him.

[Jake] (Sigh) Olive. Look.

I know you met with Bert just before he d*ed.

[Olive] Okay. I met with him, but only to tell him to back off. He was pestering me about selling him my share of the business.

[Jake] So why didn't you just sell it?

[Olive] Because something felt wrong. I just-- it was losing all that money, why would he want it in the first place? So I looked into it... take a look at this.

Bert lied. The company was making a fortune. And he was hiding it from... Carl.

[Jake] Well now.

[Olive] I just wish I could... See Carl one more time, you know? I just wanted him safe and happy.

[Mal] You know Carl... You got something very few people ever get.

[Carl] And what's that?

[Mal] Second chance to do things right. Take it from someone who was as close to death as you.

[Carl] I don't think I like where this is going.

[Mal] I'm just saying, whatever happens between you and Olive, you just gotta move on with life, with or without her.

[Carl] I love Olive. The business and the money and all that, it... it just, it don't mean nothing unless I got her.

So I find out she was behind this... I might as well stay dead, you know?

[Jake] Good news. Your business is worth a fortune. The bad news, Bert's been stealing from you for years, and he's been hiding it in the paper work.

[Carl] Where'd you get this?

[Jake] Olive gave it to me.

[Carl] What?

[Jake] She found out that Bert was ripping you off, man.

[Carl] I guess it's time that I became undead then, right? I gotta go see my wife, boys. Wha?

Come on, we go and see my wife, come on.

Come on!

Here we goes.

[Carl] Wait a minute... wait a minute. Something's wrong here.

[Mal] Keep quiet. We don't want to scare her to death.

[Jake] Olive? It's Jake.

Jake Doyle.

[Leslie] Jake, Malachy, what are you doing here?

[Jake] What are you doing here?

[Leslie] We got a call. Olive's missing.

[Carl] My wife's missing? Where is she?

[Leslie] Carl Maher?

[Carl] What?

[Leslie] Faking your own death is a serious offense, Mr. Maher.

And you crowd are all accessories.

[Carl] I don't care about me.

You can lock me up if you wants, but if my wife's missing you gotta go find her.

[Leslie] Maybe she ran off into the sunset, after she k*lled Bert Antle.

[Carl] The mouth on you!

[Leslie] Listen, since you decided to play dead, you've lost all credibility.

[Mal] Carl thinks someone is trying to k*ll him.

[Jake] He decided to pretend that they succeeded until we could figure out who was actually trying to k*ll him.

[Leslie] So who is it?

[Jake] We haven't... Figure that out yet.

[Leslie] Alright. Well, that's a brilliant strategy then.

[Mal] But whoever it was, they could have taken Olive.

[Carl] That's right. She's in danger.

[Leslie] I said, we're going to look into it.

[Carl] Sergeant, I'll swear on a stack of bibles that them two had nothing to do with it, so let them go and find my wife, would ya?

[Leslie] Go on. Get out of here.

Now!

[Carl] Boys, you find Olive, and you make sure she's alive.

And you tell her I'm sorry. And that I loves her.

[Leslie] Time to go.

[Jake] Let's go.

(Car engine starting)

[Jake] Hey there, uh, Erin.

[Erin] Why? Why would he do that, pretend to be dead like that? It's horrible.

[Mal] He was trying to figure out who tried to k*ll him.

[Erin] I'm... just so glad he's alive. Can't wait to see him.

[Jake] Hey!

Hood! Hood!

Hey, how you doing?

Listen, hate to bother you. We just really want to see Bert Antle's toxicology report.

[Hood] And I want bangs, but that ain't gonna happen.

[Mal] It's a bit of an emergency, Dan.

[Hood] For you Mal. He was poisoned. Some weird concoction of narcotics. Dropped him like an elephant.

[Jake] Uh, thanks a lot hood.

[Mal] Crystal Maher was pretty handy with that syringe.

[Jake] Let's go.

(Car engine)

[Mal] Heading on vacation? Most hotels come furnished, FYI.

[Crystal] Just taking my inheritance.

[Jake] You do know that he's really alive, right?

[Crystal] So does everyone, thanks to the two of you. I gotta get out of here before the cops think I'm an accessory.

[Jake] Or a m*rder*r.

[Crystal] What?

[Jake] Bert was poisoned. Now dad, who do we know that looks really good in a blue dress and likes to play chemist?

[Mal] You drugged us up pretty good.

[Crystal] What? You don't think...

[Crystal] I didn't k*ll anyone... yet.

But if you follow me, that might change.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Now what?

[Des] Yo, Jake-o, skipper-o. I think I found out something for ya.

[Jake] What?

[Des] Carl Maher was released on bail.

[Jake] Okay, good. Did you tap into Carl's security cameras?

[Des] So I tapped into Carl's security footage.

[Jake] And?

[Des] That missus, Erin, she's at Carl's bunker with Carl.

[Jake] Okay, good.

[Des] Wait, no, no, no. But Olive is with them, and they're all tied up and stuff.

[Mal] What?

[Jake] We gotta go.

[Erin] I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't. It all just... spun out of control.

Erin, my ducky, just let her go. Alright? You can do whatever you want with me. C'mon.

[Olive] No. We are going out of here together.

[Erin] I'm not letting either of you go.

[Carl] Why're you doing this?

[Erin] Look, everything was fine until we thought you were dead, Carl. You were just about to sell to Bert and me.

[Olive] So you didn't try to k*ll Carl?

[Erin] No. I had nothing to do with that.

[Carl] So why're you trying to k*ll me now?

[Erin] Olive figured you out, that, that Bert and me, we were... we were stealing from you. I--

[Olive] So why did you k*ll Bert?

[Erin] I didn't. That poison was meant for you. It was in that scotch bottle. You-- you drink like a... Like a fish.

[Erin] And Bert was on the wagon.

[Carl] Well then you're more messed up than I am.

[Jake] Hey there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[Mal] Hello?

(g*n sh*t)

[Carl] (Yelling)

(g*n sh*t)

[Erin] (Scream)

[Jake] Carl.

[Erin] (Laboured breathing)

[Mal] Yeah, we're going to need an ambulance.

[Olive] (Crying)

[Mal] Erin's going to be okay.

They're transferring her to the prison hospital.

[Carl] So Crystal robbed me and then she took off, did she?

[Jake] Yeah. No idea where she is now.

[Carl] Ah, she'll be back, b'y.

She's sweet under all that.

[Jake] Oh yeah, she's a real doll.

[Carl] You and me, now. I suppose I owes you your cash, right?

[Carl] Mmm hmm.

Now I don't trust the banks. And the market, the way it's buckling.

[Carl] (Bang!)

[Jake] What the hell, man?

[Carl] You wanna get paid or not?

[Carl] (Bang!)

[Olive] Carl, what are you doing?

[Carl] Nothing.

That's right. That's right, honey. You never did solve who was trying to k*ll me.

Neither of you did.

[Des] Right, okay.

I think everyone needs to see this. Okay, so I had to go back three weeks to the second last time that Carl went wreck diving, and I found this.

[Des] See that?

[Carl] (Karate noises)

[Carl] I I-- I have no recollection of that at all.

You broke the gauge yourself. .

Carl, were you high again?

[Carl] Baby, I told you, I don't be at that.

[Des] So the gas poisoning and the cats, it was all you!

Carl. Carl. You gotta lay off the weed, man.

[Des] I mean, Carl doesn't smoke weed, man.

[Des] Chandra.

You're in my home.

[Chandra] Rose let me in.

Lovely woman.

[Des] Yeah, I think I have a crush on her. I mean, it's not like that, it's not weird, it's not sexual or anything. What?

[Chandra] Everything okay?

[Des] Yeah.

[Chandra] You know Des, I feel like you're holding back, so I think maybe we should end it here before we go too far--

[Tinny] Oh! Sorry.

[Des] Hi! Hi! Tinny! Hey, sorry.

This is, um... it's uh... Chandra!

Chandra, my nearly doctor friend.

[Tinny] Des, it's okay.

We met... kind of.

I'm Tinny. Des' surrogate sister.

[Chandra] Chandra.

Nice to meet you... again.

[All] (Laughing)

[Tinny] Well, I'll leave you to it.

[Des] Okay.

[Chandra] She seems nice.

[Des] Yeah. She's great. She's great.