03x07 - High School Confidential

[bunniefuu]

[Narrator] Previously on Republic of Doyle...

[Jake] What about later, we hook up after work and have a little, uh, whiskey tasting?

[Leslie] Get it through your skull, I don't like you.

[Jake] Liar.

[Des] Thoughts, questions, concerns?

[Chandra] Des, I'm just super busy.

[Rose] It's okay Dessie.

She likes you.

[Des] Yeah, no. Yeah, she's crazy about me.

[Des] I'm screwed. Chandra's totally over me. With Jake she's, like, laughing and she's paying attention to his Alpha pheromones.

[Chandra] I've seen his type before.

[Kathleen] We were dating.

I found out he was married.

[Rose] Tell me what you wanna do.

[Tammy] You stay away from will!

[Tinny] Can you clean up your mess? Please?

[Leslie] We both know what's best here, and it doesn't involve you and me walking off into the sunset together. We need to back off.

[Jake] You sure about that?

♪

[Mal] Shoulda got Des to do this.

[Jake] I don't see you over here.

(Zap!)

[Jake] (Scream)

[Mal] (Laugh)

[Mal] Oh wow. That's actually pretty clear. I take it back.

Nice work.

[Jake] Why are we doing this stupid worker's comp case anyway?

[Mal] Money, to make a living, to pay the bills, moron.

[Jake] Clyde cowley?

"Dime-bag Clyde"?

I knew this guy in high school.

This is our worker's comp case?

[Mal] Oh, I remember. You were always jealous of him. It was embarrassing.

[Jake] I wasn't jealous of him, Clyde was a-- a total jerk, especially to Walter.

[Mal] You were in love with his girlfriend.

[Jake] I wasn't in love with her. She was just very... very attractive. Clyde and I, we had this kind of fight-on-sight clause.

[Jake] Whiplash? everything, you know? A baseball scholarship, he was Mr. athlete.

He got all the girls.

[Mal] Yeah, well that was then.

Now his finances are in the toilet, injuries. He's going through a rough time.

[Jake] Is he still with Jessica?

[Mal] As far as I know. Vulture.

[Jake] I'm not a vulture, dad.

She's just super hot.

(Car door shutting)

[Mal] There he goes.

♪

[Jake] Man, he looks like crap.

[Mal] Whatever he's at, the whiplash isn't hindering it.

♪

[Jake] Are you seeing this?

[Jake] Uh, dad... (Commotion)

[Jake] Clyde!

(Scaffold rattling)

[Jake] I'll cut him down, dad.

[Clyde] (Thud)

[Mal] 911? We have an emergency.

♪oh yeah (Oh yeah!)♪
♪oh yeah (Oh yeah!)♪
♪oh yeeeah oh yeeeah♪
♪oh yeah!♪
♪

[Clyde] What the... What... What am I doing here?

[Jake] Just take it easy.

[Mal] You had an accident Clyde.

[Clyde] Oh wait a minute, wait a minute!

Hey, didn't I go to high school with you?

Yeah, you hung out with that loser fat kid.

(Laughs)

[Jake] His name is Walter, and he was big-boned.

I'm Jake, and this is my father, Malachy.

[Mal] Clyde, were you trying to k*ll yourself?

[Clyde] What? No. No, no.

k*ll myself, no.

su1c1de.

(Groan)

su1c1de... that's just-- That's not me, so... - Easy there. Easy.

The doctor tells us you're fine, but you need to rest.

[Clyde] Who asked you, anyways?

I'm fine, so... You guys can just go away now.

[Mal] Hey son, hold up.

If you were trying to k*ll yourself, we could have you taken into custody, so, uh, why don't you just tell us what's going on?

[Clyde] (Groaning)

Okay, look Jake, since high school I haven't exactly been carrying on as the guy I was.

[Jake] Really, I--
I hadn't noticed?

[Clyde] I am a winner. I had a good job, a house, a marriage, then a few months ago everything went a little snaky.

[Jake] Oh yeah?

[Clyde] I lost my job, couldn't find work. It was like after spending my whole life on top, suddenly I was cursed.

[Jake] Well, you know, you still have-- You still have Jessica, right?

[Clyde] That's true.

[Jake] She was like the hottest thing in high school...

[Jessica] Why am I still listed as your next of kin? We're divorced, remember? Do you understand that? Divorced?

[Clyde] Not yet, we're not.

[Jessica] Well, we will be soon.

Trust me.

[Jake] Hi, Jessica, how ya doing? Remember me? Jake Doyle, from high school?

[Walter] Jess, I told you not to talk to him until after the settlement.

[Jessica] Yeah, I know Wally.

Just-- just give us a second.

[Walter] (Stutter)

[Jake] Wally?

[Walter] I'm repping her in the divorce. She's an old friend.

I'm doing her a favour.

[Jake] A fa-- A favour.

Yeah, I bet.

[Mal] Hey, boys, boys. Jake has issues with seeing other people happy.

[Walter] Yeah, okay, so I know there's a little bit of a history there between me and Jess, that's true.

[Jake] A history? Yeah, yeah.

In your fantasy, lad.

[Walter] Hey, we had chemistry, okay?

[Jessica] Wally?

Let's go.

♪

[Jake] Nice seeing you again, Jessica.

[Mal] She's playing hard to get.

Just... - Look, uh, fellas. I lied. We're a little divorced.

[Jake] A little?

[Clyde] I need to get my wife back. I need your help. I need--

I need to save my life.

♪

[Rose] So you two are getting along really well, hey?

[Des] Well, it's easy because Chandra has some seriously super-human qualities.

[Chandra] Des, stop it.

[Des] No, no, it's true. She's a brilliant swimmer and, uh, she has to eat all over her food... Proportionately. Like, like, in proportion.

(Coughing)

[Des] And ladies, that's why I garden, to keep the stress levels in check.

[Tinny] Right on.

[Chandra] Uh, how-- how are you, Tinny? How's, um, high school?

[Tinny] Just fine. Thank you for asking.

[Chandra] That's great. You know, I remember when I was in high school. God, it feels like so long ago. What grade are you in again? 10?

[Tinny] 12, actually.

[Chandra] Oh, good, good. It's a special year. I hope you enjoy it. My grade 12 year I just had to cram and cram to get into pre-med, you know?

[Des] (Laughs)

[Tinny] Well, isn't she all that and a bag of chips?

[Des] Well, Tinny is an awesome student. I mean, she gets wicked marks without even studying.

[Chandra] Oh. Good for her.

[Tinny] Who's the extreme sport enthusiast?

[Chandra] Oh, ours. Des and I.

[Des] Just a little fun with the ol' shuttlecock.

[Rose] So, okay, yeah. I'm going to go to work now and go to the office. Why don't you come help me, Tinny?

[Tinny] No, I'm od a actually.

[Des] Why don't we have a three-way?

[Rose] (Spit!)

[Chandra] What?

I-- I mean with badminton, badminton, uh... - Des? No.

[Des] No? Okay, ok, I meant with badminton! I-- I-- Anyway, I'm sorry. No? Okay, I'm good.

Okay.

♪

[Rose] Bye... for now.

♪

[Jake] Do you wanna tell us what the hell are we doing here?

[Clyde] Yeah, I just want to see the bank guy, you two are PIs, right?

So I'm hiring you.

[Jake] You ever hear of a cheque?

[Mal] Look Clyde, we can talk about payment later. We just need a little info from you about what it is you think we can do to help.

[Jake] And, you know, why maybe you tried to hang yourself.

[Clyde] Look, I told you that was an accident. I just-- I need to talk to this guy. He's, he-- he sort of foreclosed on my house earlier than he should have and I-- I... Oh, oh, there he is! Hey, Vallis!

[Vallis] - Yeah...

[Clyde] - Great to see you again.

Clyde... Clyde cowley.

[Vallis] Hmm.

[Clyde] You ripped off my house, remember?

[Clyde] You... you... Traitorous piece of poo!

[Jake] - Clyde, just... just...

[Vallis] - Hey! Stay away from me.

And this bank, or you'll end up in jail, you hear me?

[Mal] What the?

[Jake] Uh... Clyde?

[Mal] I think he's snoring.

[Clyde] (Snoring)

[Mal] Clyde.

[Jake] (Snap)

[Mal] You fell asleep standing up.

[Clyde] I am just exhausted.

[Des] That's a bad sign. Let me get my equipment. Just...

[Clyde] I think Jeff Vallis, the banker, foreclosed on my house because he's sleeping with Jessica.

[Jake] Do you have any proof?

[Clyde] No. But he's trying to make me look like a loser to get her away from me. That's why I--
I-- I-- I need to get the house back, for Jessica. To-- to show her that I can.

[Mal] What would make you think that Jessica's fooling around on you with Vallis?

[Jake] Yeah.

[Clyde] I don't know. It's like the minute we started dealing with that guy from the bank she changed. You know? Vallis shows up and Jess wants me spending more and more. Nothing's good enough for her. I kept remortgaging the house just to keep up.

[Mal] And then Vallis forecloses.

[Clyde] I couldn't make the payments. But Vallis, he told me he would hold off, but he lied to me. I feel like they were both playing me, you know, because first I lose the house, and then Jessica, she wants a divorce.

[Jake] Dad and I-- Or I will, we'll just go talk to Jessica.

[Clyde] No. No, no.

Don't do that.

She'll know something's up.

[Mal] I'm sure she will.

[Jake] Trust us.

This is our job.

[Des] Okay. So, drowsiness in stressful situations, uh, over-exertion, bed-wetting, fear, fight-or-flight instincts, fear of thumbtacks, flying, driving, walking or water, those are all serious, serious symptoms.

[Clyde] I-- I have to catch up with Malachy.

[Des] Ah, ah, it is in my humble opinion that you have a medical condition that you need to see a physician about. Or a med student, and that can be arranged.

[Clyde] What are you talking about?

[Des] You, sir, are a text-book narcoleptic.

[Clyde] Don't be ridiculous.

[Des] Hey, no... hey, no!

You're in no condition to drive!

Get a cab!

You're in no condition... ah!

[Mal] I know he was your arch enemy in high school, but you really have to stop enjoying Clyde's suffering so much.

[Jake] Look, okay? He was a terror to everyone, dad, okay?

He picked on Walter every chance that he got. I can't help but think that this whole thing, you know, it might be karma.

[Mal] Yeah, well watch yourself.

There's plenty of karma to go around. Clyde's luxury apartment.

[Jake] (Laughing)

He ended up living in his car.

I gotta say, that's perfect.

That's what you call karma.

[Mal] Starting to see your future?

(Laughs)

[Jake] Very funny.

[Mal] Someone leaving newspapers around.

(Dirt bike revving)

[Jake] They're all the sa-- ♪

[Mal] See? Karma.

[Jake] Very funny.

[Jake] What is this?

♪

[Chili] Jake and Malachy Doyle.

[Jake] Who are you?

[Chili] Ah. A man who doesn't waste any time. I respect that.

Your, uh, client is in debt to me.

[Mal] What are you talking about? What debt?

[Chili] It's a considerable amount. Even in this province's robust economy. So, do I now look to you for compensation?

[Jake] Us? Uh, no, b'y.

[Mal] How much?

(Tires screeching)

[Chili] You ask Clyde how much.

[Jake] Who was pony-tail buddy?

[Mal] No idea, but I think we'd better find out.

[Clyde] Just put it on Jake Doyle's tab.

[Chili] Hey dead-b*at. I want to talk to you.

[Clyde] I-- I-- I'll get it back to you, I promise.

[Chili] You bet you will. So as you don't forget...

[Jake] Ay, whoa, whoa, what do you think you're doing here?

[Chili] Don't worry.

Message sent.

[Jake] Clyde, you want to tell us what you got on the go with this guy?

[Clyde] He thinks I robbed him or something. I don't know.

[Mal] Yeah, right. Of course.

[Jessica] What is going on?

Are you stalking me?

[Jake] Hi Jessica.

[Clyde] Jess, honey, don't be like that now.

[Jessica] Don't call me "honey".

[Clyde] The boys are just helping me finish renoing the house, you see? We were gonna keep it pretty for you.

[Jessica] Clyde, we don't own the house anymore, remember? The bank foreclosed when you stopped paying the mortgage? I'm lucky they're letting me stay until the end of the month.

[Jake] Uh, far be it for me to interject, but don't you think maybe that you might be just... Slightly being a li-- a little-- a little bit hard on him?

[Jessica] Look creep, I don't remember you, okay? So drop it.

And you, do I need a restraining order? Clyde, the past is just that. The past. Best you left it behind you and moved on. I have.

♪

[Des] Oh, uh, the name's Chili Power.

[Jake] Chili powder?

[Mal] Power.

His Christian name's Liam.

[Jake] Liam Power.

How do I know that name?

[Des] I think Clyde's a narcoleptic.

[Mal] Des?

[Des] So, Chili's from around the bay originally, and he made some major money our in fort Mac and now he's home, and he's lending out on the street.

[Mal] - So, guesses are...

[Jake] - Clyde owes him money.

Man... oh, how did I get us roped into helping this sad-sack of a fella?

[Mal] He needs our help, and you have a natural inclination to help people.

[Jake] I don't get it.

Where's the joke?

[Mal] There isn't one.

You're a good boy, Jake. Now... Go help your high school enemy.

[Des] (Slurping)

[Clyde] I guess it all just comes down to bad luck, you know?

[Jake] Or it could be the fact that you've never had to work for anything, and you've been a d*ck to everyone for your entire life.

[Clyde] Alright. I was a jerk.

At times. But I was just better than everyone else. Everything I touched turned to gold. You try living with that.

[Jake] Yeah, it must be tough living in your own shadow.

[Clyde] Do you remember how good I was at baseball? I was the only player in this province to get a baseball scholarship.

[Jake] Why didn't you go?

[Clyde] Jess wanted me to stay.

Couldn't live without me.

Now she doesn't even love me anymore.

[Jake] How much do you owe Chili?

[Clyde] 100 grand.

Plus the juice.

[Jake] Oh great.

[Clyde] I just-- I needed a little bit, just to get by, and... I lost it all.

[Jake] Poker?

[Clyde] No, I literally lost it.

It was stolen, or-- or-- or lost, or whatever.

[Jake] How did you misplace $100,000?

[Clyde] I... I got home and I saw Jessica with another man... Vallis.

I'm sure it was him.

I got nervous and... Had an episode.

I get sleepy whenever I'm nervous, or excited, or angry, or upset.

[Jake] Des was right.

You're a narcoleptic.

[Clyde] Whatever. I-- I fell asleep, passed out on the lawn, woke up and the money was gone.

I think that Jessica has my money and she's hiding it in the house.

[Jake] Alright, let's go to your house and we'll get it back, okay?

[Clyde] Really? You'd do that for me?

[Jake] I'm actually doing it for myself, because I-- I just really... I-- I don't want to deal with you anymore.

[Clyde] Vallis ruined my life.

[Jake] Oh yeah, Vallis is the problem here. Sure.

[Clyde] From the minute we met him... Vallis! Fancy suits and words. Vallis. He's the one that told me to remortgage the house, he forecloses on me!

[Jake] Are you even looking for the money here, or...

[Clyde] Just gotta make sure there's no new man-stuff here.

[Jake] Clyde, focus, okay? Where would your wife hide $100,000?

[Clyde] The safe.

(Doors creaking)

♪

[Clyde] Damn it. It's empty.

[Jake] Nice. You know, I'm starting to think that there was no $100,000 in the first place.

(Footsteps)

[Jessica] (Laughing)

[Clyde] Oh! Oh! If she finds me here she'll freak. She'll do it.

She'll freak! She'll totally freak!

[Jake] Calm down, calm down!

Just get in there.

♪

[Jessica] Make yourself at home.

I'll just be a sec.

[Clyde] She's with Vallis!

I told you!

[Clyde] Don't you look at her...
(Snoring)

(Doors opening)

♪

[Walter] Hey, are we having a drink or what?

[Jessica] Wally!

You almost caught me naked.

[Walter] Oh sorry.

Do you want me to re-enter and try that again?

[Jessica] You devil.

[Jessica/walter] (Kissing)

[Jake] You son of a...

[Jessica/walter] (Kissing)

♪Yeeah♪

[Jessica] I'm gonna get us some wine.

♪

[Walter] Yes!

[Jake] What the hell are you doing?

[Walter] What am I doing?

You're the one hiding in her closet!

[Jake] She is married, Walter.

Married!

[Walter] Are you spying on me or something?

[Jake] Have you no respect for the sanctity of marriage?

This would k*ll Clyde.

[Clyde] (Groan)

[Walter] (Shriek)

[Clyde] (Thud)

[Walter] Is-- is that Clyde?

Is he dead?

[Jake] Yes and-- and no.

[Jessica] Wally, is white okay?

The red's down in the basement.

[Walter] Uh, no. Uh... No. No, red is best.

Uh, white, I get all--- it-- it makes me all, uh... vomity.

[Jessica] Okay... I'll get the red then.

[Walter] You're just jealous because I got her and you didn't.

[Jake] Whatever, okay? Just help me get him out of here. He's asleep... it's a long story.

[Walter] What are you helping him for anyway? He was such a d*ck-smack to us in high school.

Oh! (Laughs)

You remember that time that he b*at me up and he stole my pants and my underwear?

[Jake] Shh! You weren't wearing any underwear.

[Walter] Look, that's not the point, okay?

(Cell phone ringing)

[Jessica] Hey, is that mine?

[Walter] Uh yeah. Yeah.

[Walter] A little help here please? Could you... ♪

[Jake] It's a text... From Vallis...

She's meeting him tomorrow.

[Walter] So? Who? Help!

[Jessica] Wally?

[Clyde] (Groaning)

[Jake] Shut up, Clyde.

Clyde, shut up!

[Clyde] (Groaning)

(Crash) (Cat screeching)

[Walter] Get out.

[Jake] This isn't over.

(Scream) (Crash)

[Walter] You got a text!

[Jessica] Thanks. I, uh, hope it doesn't make you vomity.

[Walter] (Laughs)

[Clyde] Was she with Vallis?

Was it him? I bet it was him.

I know it was him!

[Jake] It wasn't him. It was... It was her lawyer, who, by the way, you tortured every day in high school.

[Clyde] Walter?

"Walter the falter"?

No worries of her stepping out with him.

The fatty.

[Jake] You just watch yourself Clyde.

[Clyde] Why?

We gonna fight again?

Like in high school?

[Mal] Whoa, whoa, settle down boys.

[Jake] I wouldn't worry about it dad. For Clyde's sake I don't think that's a good idea, and--

[Clyde] - Wait a minute! When I passed out, she was undressing.

Did you see her naked?

Did you see her naked?!

[Jake] No, b'y. She, um...
(Clears throat)

...Went to the bathroom.

[Mal] We gotta figure out this situation with Chili.

He's a dangerous one.

[Clyde] Ah, don't worry about him. I'll deal with him. We need to deal with Vallis.

[Mal] What's his, uh, connection to Jessica?

[Clyde] He wants into her awesome pants.

[Jake] He works as a loan officer at the bank and Jessica has a meeting with him at 10:00 this morning.

[Clyde] Maybe she wants to renegotiate, get the house back!

[Mal] It'd be good to have ears on the inside.

[Jake] Yeah.

(Snap)

We should send someone in undercover, you know, to plant a bug. Maybe, uh, two kids posing as a young couple looking to buy a new home?

♪

[Jake] Okay, that's the lapel camera, alright? Put it somewhere where we can't see it, Des. That's the idea. And this is a bug, alright? You need to plant it, because I need to hear whatever is going on in Vallis' office after you leave. Put it on his desk, briefcase, whatever.

[Des] Okay, okay, but-- but... Me-- me and Tinny? I mean, really? Don't you think that's kind of dangerous? I mean, we're not really in a good place right now if we're looking for a house together.

[Jake] Tinny's in the bank waiting for you right now.

[Des] Just wait. Don't get mad at me. I've been waiting to talk to you about this.

I think Tinny hates me.

[Jake] Of course she hates you.

[Des] She does?

Did she say anything to you?

Did she say anything?

[Jake] So, I fixed Des with a lapel camera and it should be coming through right... now.

[Mal] Bang up job again.

[Clyde] Will we be finding out if Jess and Vallis are having an affair now or not?

[Jake] They're not, okay? But we think that Jess, your wife, is stealing your money.

[Mal] But if your wife went on a spending spree just before you lost the house...

Maybe she owes Vallis money.

(Phone ringing)

[Clyde] Or maybe Vallis made her steal my 100g's.

[Jake] Hello?

[Walter] We need to talk right now.

[Jake] Yeah, now's not a very good time.

[Jake] - It was-- oh, hey! Look.

[Des] - One, two...

We've got sound.

[Des] Wow, you look amazing.

I mean, you-- you look great.

You-- you-- you look nice.

[Tinny] Just dressing the part.

Don't freak out.

[Des] Okay, um, alright so, so do we have a plan? I mean, wha-- what's the plan? We should have a plan. Was I supposed to have the plan?

[Tinny] - Des--

[Vallis] - Oh yeah. Hold on a sec.

[Tinny] Mr. Vallis, I'm sorry we don't have an appointment, but can we just have a minute of your time?

[Vallis] Call you back.

[Tinny/des] (Kiss)

[Tinny] I think it's the right thing for us to buy a house.

Don't you, honey?

[Vallis] So, uh, what can I do for you kids?

[Tinny] Well, we're not exactly kids. I'm in med school, which makes me a bit of a d*ck, but we're in love so we just wanna start looking at houses. That's what you specialize in, right?

Houses, mortgages?

[Vallis] Well, first thing's first. Are you here for pre-approval or do you property in mind?

[Tinny] Oh I've got a property in mind. Des, are you sure you wanna get all settled in with a med student, buy a house, have little med student babies?

[Des] Oh my God, oh my God.

[Vallis] Is he, uh-- Is he okay, or... Yeah? Doesn't look okay.

[Tinny] Oh. Oh my God! You know what? He's... he's allergic to paper. I think he's going into anaphylactic shock!

[Mal] Oh dear.

[Clyde] What in God's name is she doing?

[Tinny] Oh my God. You'd better go get one of those allergy needle pens or he will die right here.

[Des] I'm freaking out.

I'm sorry I'm freaking out, but why are you freaking me out?

[Tinny] Des, just relax.

[Des] Okay.

Whoa, oh my God, oh my God.

What do you want from me?

[Tinny] The bug. You know, the bug we're here to plant?

[Des] Right, right, right.

Right, right, right, right.

The bug. Okay. Okay, I got it.

I got--
[Vallis] - Alright... (Feedback)

[Mal] (Scream)

[Vallis] ...Don't move.

[Des] Okay.

(Screaming)

[Tinny] Uh, s*ab him three times.

[Vallis] Are you sure?

[Tinny] Yeah, I'm a med student.

Trust me.

[Des] (Crying/screaming)

(Whimpering)

[Tinny] You know what? He's gonna be just fine if we get---

We'd better go to the hospital.

Thank you.

(Phone ringing)

[Des] (Groaning)

[Tinny] Uncle Jake, we got something.

[Jake] What is all this stuff?

[Mal] Looks like Jessica's bank records.

[Clyde] How's that going to help me get Jessica back?

(Whack)

[Jake] Ah!

(Commotion)

[Chili] Alright Clyde, my son.

Now we do this my way.

Don't make me use it.

Don't even think of it.

[Clyde] (Thud)

(Snoring)

[Chili] (Laughing)

[Jake] Should we go after him, or... Ow, that hurt.

♪
♪Oh yeah♪

[Des] I mean, I feel fine.

I mean, I feel fine, like not in like a wicked way, but okay I just got, I just really got some like, energy. I mean, should I be at the hospital?

We should call Chandra.

[Tinny] I'll get right on that.

[Jake] Anyways, we gotta track down Clyde, and I think we should take on Chili. I mean, he can't be that bad, right?

[Jake] Tell that to your back.

[Des] What was all that back there? I mean, I mean are you jealous or something of me and Chandra? I mean, I'm really confused, and why'd you make him s*ab me three times?

[Tinny] I was playing the part, Des. Get over yourself.

[Rose] Right. Okay, so according to the file Tinny snagged for us, Jessica had a deposit of 10g's to her bank account the same day that Clyde's 100 went missing.

[Jake] Is that so?

[Des] (Smack)

Okay, Malachy, me and you, we're going to go find Chili Powder.

Chili... Po-- Chili-- Chili-- Rose, you search the neighbourhood, just see what you can find.

[Jake] What-- What's with him?

Fine. You all have jobs to do.

I should go talk to Jessica... alone.

(Clears throat)

♪

[Neighbour] Can I help you?

[Rose] Oh, I see you sold your house.

[Neighbour] Yeah. Oh, the bank, they made us an amazing offer.

[Rose] Is that right?

[Neighbour] Mmm hmm.

[Rose] A lot of your neighbours have sold too.

[Neighbour] Yeah, you know that bank guy-- Uh, Jeff, Vallis, something. He made us all huge offers. Hard to say no.

[Rose] Apparently.

(Fog horn)

(Door opening)

[Mal] Chili?

(Ding)

[Mal] Greet all your customers like this?

[Chili] Only the ones I like. I don't suppose you got my money.

[Mal] Nope.

[Chili] You used to be a cop, huh? I recall being busted by you a few years back.

[Mal] Good for you.

Where's Clyde?

[Chili] Dead... If you don't get my money.

[Mal] Well, I'll tell you what.

I think I have a way to find his money. You don't hurt him, you'll have it in 24 hours.

[Chili] 24 hours or the client ends up in St. John's harbour.

[Mal] Show me he s still alive first.

[Chili] Did you do this?

Huh?

(Whack!)

[Chili] Ugh!

(Yelp)

[Mal] I only half hit you, so consider yourself lucky!

[Mal] Clyde!

Clyde!

(Tires screeching)

[Jake] Uh, Jess-- Jessica?

Jessica, sorry to trouble you.

[Jessica] You again.

[Jake] Hi. Listen, uh, I'm just curious. You wouldn't happen to know anything about Clyde's missing $100,000, would you?

[Jessica] Clyde's?

Give me a break.

[Jake] So you didn't find it on the lawn?

[Jessica] Look, I-- I know that you had a crush on me your whole life. I get that. But honestly, don't you think it's time you just got over it?

[Jake] I thought you didn't remember me.

[Jessica] I didn't.

But then I did.

Same loser.

Same car.

[Jake] Oh, that's a different car, actually. Maybe you can explain to me, if you don't know anything about Clyde's 100,000 bucks, where did you get the 10 grand that you deposited into your bank account the day that Clyde's money went missing?

[Jessica] Excuse me?

[Jake] Where did you get the $10,000?

[Jessica] How and where I get my money from anyone is none of your business.

Creep.

(Phone ringing)

[Jake] Yeah?

[Clyde] I'm gonna k*ll Vallis.

I'm gonna k*ll him Jake.

He's banging Jessica and he has my 100 G's.

[Jake] Clyde, where are you?

[Clyde] I'm at the bank.

I'm gonna k*ll him if it kills me Jake.

Yeah.

[Jake] Ju-- Hold on.

♪

(Chatter)

[Clyde] Jeff Vallis!

[Customer] What the hell?

[Jake] Clyde, what the hell are you doing?

[Clyde] - Taking it...

[Customer] - Oh my God!

[Clyde] Jake, this has got to be done. I'm gonna win this.

Jake, I am a winner and I'm gonna win this!

[Customer] Oh my God!

[Clyde] Jeff Vallis!

I'm calling you out!

[Hostages] (Screams/gasps)

[Jake] Hold on. Hold on, okay?

I don't want some trigger happy mall cop to k*ll the guy! Clyde?

[Clyde] - My wife...

[Jake] - Clyde.

[Clyde] - You were...

[Jake] - Clyde.

[Customer] Oh my God.

[Clyde] (Snoring)

(Thud)

[Jake] Clyde?

Clyde? Wake up Clyde!

[Clyde] (Snoring)

[Jake] What? Whoa.

What are you all do--
(Frightened chatter)

[Jake] Whoa, whoa, whoa... Ooooh yes, b'y.

♪Yeeah♪[/i]

[Clyde] (Snoring)

[Jake] Okay, okay, okay, everyone just stay calm.

(Frightened chatter)

[Jake] No, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't want your wallets.

I don't want--- Stop it!

Stop giving me your wallets!

This is not a robbery.

Everyone, this is not a robbery!

[Vallis] You're a t*rror1st.

Oh my God, he's a t*rror1st!

[Hostages] (Screams)

[Jake] No, no, no. No, no, no.

I am not a t*rror1st.

I am not a t*rror1st.

(Sigh)

(Bang)

[Chili] (Shouting)

(Gasping)

Bank job, huh?

♪

[Rose] Hey, Des?

Hey, sweetheart, you okay?

[Des] I was asleep.

Where am I?

I'm in a different room.

Am I becoming like him?

Like Clyde?

Am I a narcoleptic?

[Rose] No, no, sweetheart.

It's just the adrenalin from the allergy pen wearing off.

[Des] I mean, he didn't bite me, did he?

(Phone ringing)

[Des] You can't catch narcolepsy if you get bit by one.

[Rose] Oh. Just a sec.

[Rose] Hey Mal.

What? What?!

Jake what?!

[Rose] I gotta go, hun.

Take care. Bye.

[Des] Okay.

[Tinny] What's with you, spaz?

Get up.

[Des] You're acting super weird.

I can tell.

And I know you hate Chandra.

[Tinny] Okay, I hate Chandra because she's a snobby little jerk. It has nothing to do with you.

[Des] Well, I don't know what you want from me here. It's like the minute I-- I don't show any interest, you're all over me.

And then the next minute, when I actually show you some attention, you treat me like-- - Des!

[Des] What? It's true!

[Tinny] Shut up.

(Door shutting)

[Des] Is Jake robbing a bank?

[Chandra] Hi.

[Des] Hi.

[Chandra] Des, are you okay?

[Des] Yes, I'm fine. Yes. Yes.

[Jake] Put your hands down!

Put your hands down, now.

Okay?

Everyone just relax and breathe.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing?

Put the money back out of your purse, okay?

Nobody steal anything.

We're not robbing anything, okay?

Put it away.

This is all... A horrible misunderstanding.

Alright, now we're just going to relax here, alright?

Um... what we're going to do is, in a few minutes, we'll all just go home, pretend this never happened, and, uh, no harm and, uh, and no foul.

[Leslie] Jake Doyle we have you surrounded.

Come out with your hands up!

[Jake] Oh crap.

[Mal] How'd this happen?

[Rose] I have no clue.

[Mal] Hey Leslie, any idea what he's doing in there?

[Leslie] He's robbing a bank.

[Rose] Oh dear lord.

[Jake] I gotta think here, I gotta think. So, uh... everyone get up and, uh, go over there to where the guard is to, right there.

[Vallis] You said you weren't robbing the place, right, so-- so...

[Jake] I'm not robbing the place, but I still want you to do what I say.

So go, go, go. Go, go, go!

Everyone, keep going.

Keep going straight, straight, straight. There you go.

Get over there, everyone.

[Clyde] Jake, are you robbing the place?

Are you out of your mind?

[Jake] Oh, welcome back!

Dip sh*t.

Vallis?

[Vallis] Yeah. Yeah.

[Clyde] You son of a bitch!

[Jake] You! Stay!

Stay.

[Jake] Okay, Vallis. Sit.

Although Clyde here is the sole reason I am in this predicament, I am still gonna blame you and I'm gonna sh**t you if you don't answer my questions directly.

Do you understand?

[Vallis] Yes.

[Jake] Okay. Clyde thinks that you're screwing him over and there are currently three charges against you.

Number one, he thinks that you're sleeping with his wife, Jessica.

[Vallis] What? No. That-- That's insane.

[Jake] I know. I totally agree with you, because personally I--

I really don't think that you're her type. I mean, the hair color, the way you dress, it's all wrong.

Anyway, charge number two, he thinks that you stole $100,000 from him. Looking at you, I really don't think you're that stupid.

[Vallis] I didn't rob any 100 grand, no.

[Jake] That brings us to charge number three, that you foreclosed on his house early and without just cause.

Right.

Now the question I have for you, Mr. Vallis, is why?

(Phone ringing)

[Hostages] (Screams)

[Jake] Re-- relax, everyone.

It's a phone. Okay?

Just... (Phone ringing)

[Jake] Stay awake.

[Clyde] - Mmm...

[Jake] - Hello?

[Mal] Have you lost your mind?!

Why are you robbing a bank?!

[Jake] I am not robbing a bank.

[Mal] It sure looks that way to me.

[Jake] Yeah, I know it looks that way, dad. Thanks-- thanks for the brilliant insight. Okay?

You just keep everyone out there calm, and don't leave until you hear from me.

[Rose] Any luck?

[Mal] He hung up!

[Leslie] He what?

(Phone ringing)

[Mal] Yeah? This is Malachy.

[Chili] Tell your bank robbing son to get me my money, or Clyde's wife and her winning attitude are toast.

[Jessica] Yeah, whoever this is, tell Clyde to give this guy his money.

[Chili] (Snapping fingers)

You have one hour.

(Phone ringing)

[Leslie] Jake! Answer the phone!

[Jake] Alright Clyde, let's just get this all over with, okay? We know that you foreclosed on Clyde too early and you bought every house on the street for over market value. What are you cooking up and how is Jessica involved?

[Vallis] Okay, look, look, I-- I--
I did not sleep with her. No, no.

I just, uh, I-- I, uh, paid her a few bucks to help me.

[Jake] Help you do what?

[Vallis] I was using my position here at the bank. I was buying up all the land. I had a deal with his, uh, his wife. If-- if she was able to get him, alright, to miss the payments, I-- I'd foreclose and, uh... I-- I'd give her a percentage.

[Hostages] (Chatter)

[Jake] Percentage of what?

Percentage of what?

[Vallis] There-- There's an oil discovery. Apparently it was huge. I cut her in. We were-- We were gonna get rich. That's it.

[Clyde] She sold me out.

Jessica.

(Phone ringing)

(Jake's cell phone ringing)

[Jake] Yeah? Uh, dad, I am, uh, what you'd call kind of busy, so what is it?

[Mal] The loan shark's got Jessica.

[Jake] Alright.

You wait for my signal.

(Phone ringing)

[Leslie] Answer the phone or I'll get the sn*pers sh**ting.

Try me!

[Jake] Okay, okay! Hold on!

[Jake] Hi there.

[Leslie] Jake!

[Jake] Look, I just want you to know that the way this is all playing out is not at all how it's actually... Playing out.

[Leslie] Get the hell out here now.

[Jake] Okay. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll release all of the...

[Leslie] Hostages?

[Jake] They're not hostages.

They're people. Bank people.

People in a bank. And I'm, I'm just gonna get all-- I'm gonna release them. And then, uh, you wait a couple of minutes, and then you, you come in and you get me. And Leslie, feel free to be rough with me, because I tell you, I deserve it.

♪

[Clyde] Don't sh**t, don't sh**t!

He's letting us go!

[Leslie] Everyone just stay calm.

[Hostages] (Chatter)

[Leslie] Stay calm!

♪

[Leslie] Move in!

[Cop] Move in!

[Leslie] Put the g*n down now!

On your knees!

[Vallis] (Muffled noise)

[Leslie] Jake!?

♪

(Rip)

[Vallis] Ah!

[Leslie] Where is he?

[Vallis] J just wanted to make some money. I'm sorry.

[Cop] We got a man down here behind the counter.

[Leslie] Jake, you son of a frigger.

(Engine revving)

(Tires screeching)

♪
♪Oh yeah♪

[Chili] I trust you got me my money?

[Mal] Um... sort of.

[Chili] Sort of?

This man just robbed a bank.

[Jake] - Okay, look, I didn't--

[Clyde] - Listen. No, just-- just give me a second please. Just-- Jessica, I'm led to believe that you... Jessica... Screwed me over.

Did you take my 100 grand?

[Jessica] Yes, I screwed you over, but I never took your money.

[Clyde] You and Vallis... You sold me out.

Why?

[Jessica] My future.

You could never give me one, so I-- I had to make my own.

[Chili] I am so sick of this crap.

[Jake] Yeah, I know. A lot of people are, okay? Just wait.

[Chili] I saw you on the tv.

You were robbing a bank, now give me my money.

[Clyde] Oh, I'm... Starting to f-- f-- feel sleepy.

[Jessica] Here with go with the falling asleep.

[Clyde] Whoa... (Thud)

(Snoring)

[Jake] Okay, look, I didn't rob a bank. Ok-- Uh, uh, uh, it's complicated.

[Chili] You know what? I'm just gonna k*ll you guys. Get it over with. And when Clyde wakes up, I'm gonna play baseball with his kneecaps until he remembers where he stashed my friggin' money.

[Clyde] Hey Chili.

(Whack)

[Jake] Nice.

[Clyde] I suppose I'll be getting out of everyone's hair now.

[Jake] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Clyde, buddy! Clyde!

Just-- just-- just, uh--
Just put the g*n down.

[Mal] I-- I-- I think we've done all we can here.

[Clyde] There's nothing left for me.

[Mal] Clyde, think about this now.

[Clyde] Jessica, she's never going to take me back.

[Clyde] I might as well jump.

[Jessica] Clyde, honey, don't.

I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry about the house, about everything.

Just...
[Clyde] - Jessica.

You're saying that there's a chance?

[Jessica] God no.

But I never meant to hurt you.

[Clyde] (Deep breath)

[Jake] Now Clyde you give me the g*n.

Give me the g*n.

Okay.

Life's too short for you to spend it with someone who hates your guts.

Take it from me.

[Clyde] Alright.

Thank you.

[Leslie] Jake Doyle, we have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!

[Jake] Uh oh.

[Female cop] Come with me.

[Male cop] Watch your step there.

[Jake] (Sigh)

You know Clyde, we never did find out what happened to your $100,000 after.

(Dirt bike)

[Clyde] That freakin' kid.

Buzzing up and down this road, delivering his paper on that bike.

(Dirt bike)

[Clyde] Well, that one looks like a...

[Jake] ... Like a brand new dirt bike.

[Leslie] Come on, Jake.

[Jake] Where're we going?

[Leslie] Jail.

[Jake] I'll see you later dad.

[Mal] Yeah.

[Jake] Good luck, Clyde.

[Clyde] Thanks Jake.

[Mal] Watch this.

(Dirt bike)

[Mal] Hey!

[Mal] Nice bike you got there.

[Neighbour] What do you want with my son?

[Clyde] Yeah, what's going on here?

[Mal] Did you get your newspaper the day your 100g's went missing?

[Clyde] No, but I'm not following you.

[Mal] So there's a chance your wife wasn't the only one who saw you passed out in front of your car that day?

[Clyde] Oh... You little shagger.

(Police siren)

[Clyde] You stole my money, didn't you?

[Mal] My guess is when you fell asleep, Clyde, the kid was grabbing his papers for the next day and found the briefcase full of cash.

[Clyde] (Groan)

[Mal] Here we are.

[Clyde] Where's my money?

[Neighbour] You told me you won that money on scratch tickets at the store.

[Clyde] Where's my money and how much do you have left?!

♪

[Clyde] (Laughing)

(Groan)

♪

[Chandra] Tinny stabbed you?

[Des] Well, not physically, but she instructed someone to.

[Chandra] Well I'm glad you're okay. And if you want I can prescribe some medication.

[Des] Oh, that'd-- that'd be great actually, but can you make sure there's no steroids in it, because I don't want to get any bigger?

[Chandra] Not that kind of medication.

[Des] Whoa, okay, okay, okay.

Actually, um... um, about that.

[Chandra] What's going on Des?

This is about Tinny, isn't it?

[Des] Uh, no. Tinny? No. We're-- we're friends.

[Chandra] Really?

[Des] Yeah. Okay... okay.

This is, um, this is about us.

I think... you're really pretty.

I think you're really funny.

I think you're really smart.

I think you're fun.

[Chandra] Just say it, Des.

[Des] I don't think I'm ready to be in this relationship with you.

[Chandra] Fine.

Fine.

You take care of yourself, Des.

[Walter] I think this is the real trouble pal. I-- I don't know how I'm going to get you out of this. All for that mope Clyde cowley.

Talk about your bad luck.

[Jake] Hey, how did it go with Jessica?

[Walter] She lost interest pretty quickly.

[Jake] Ah. Sorry, buddy.

[Walter] We made out.

Felt her boob a bit.

[Jake] You know, that was my exact fantasy about her in high school.

(Door opening/closing)

[Leslie] Jake, I don't know what to tell you. You're caught on tape robbing a bank, misleading police, evading police, possession of a firearm, and don't even get me started on Chili Power.

[Jake] Well, when you stack the things all up against each other like that, it does look kind of... Yeah.

[Leslie] Is there anything you want to tell me here?

[Walter] I would advise you not to.

[Jake] That's a nice outfit.

[Leslie] Look, something tells me, having watched the tapes of the bank robbery, that you weren't there to steal anything.

[Jake] But you don't have any wiggle room to get me out.

[Leslie] I'm sorry. I told you your crap was gonna get you into trouble, and now it has.

(Door opening)

[Leslie] Looks you're gonna be bunking in Her Majesty's pen for some time.

♪

[Jake] Home sweet home.

♪