01x03 - Big Time School of Rocque

[bunniefuu]

Is it time?

It's time.

Carlos, do the honors.

Whow! Free hair gel!

[Laughs]

Yea, funny, very funny. Now, where’s the free hair gel?

How's the sweatiest is this. It's like a vacation with singing.

It's a sing-cation.

Ok guys, dry off and get dressed. It's time to hit the studio.

Kelly!

What does the great Gustavo Rocque have in store for us today?

Harmonies?

Breaking down some new dance moves.

A big Hollywod party to get us some "red carpet exposure"?

Close. You're going to school.

[bell ringing]

[all screaming]

♪ when you go big time ♪
♪ what you know, what you feel ♪
♪ never quit and make it real ♪
♪ when you roll big time ♪
♪ hey! Hey! ♪
♪ listen to your heart now ♪
♪ hey! Hey! ♪
♪ don't you feel the rush? ♪
♪ oh, oh ♪
♪ oh, oh ♪
♪ go on, shake it up ♪
♪ what you gotta lose? ♪
♪ go and make your luck ♪
♪ with the life you choose ♪
♪ if you want it all ♪
♪ lay it on the line ♪
♪ it's the only life you got ♪
♪ so you gotta live it big time ♪

School? You're kidding, right?

Carlos, for the 11th time... I'm not kidding.

You all thought you were gonna get Three months off from school?

It was more "hope"
than "thought."

According to The actors, singers, and performers association, Kids under 18
in the entertainment industry Must attend four hours of school a day.

Did you even look at the pamphlets I gave you?

[buzzing]

oh!

Yeah!

[giggles]

[fly buzzing ends abruptly]

Yeah, we looked at them.

A little bit.

[bell ringing]

Tyler, where's everybody going?

To school at the Palm Woods.

All: Good morning, miss Collins.

Today, class, we're gonna learn about fractions.

And I thought a fun way to do this Would be if we divided up some...

Pies.

All: Ooh.

I love fractions.

I love pie.

And after we cut them, I guess we'll have to eat them.

[all cheering]

I think we're gonna like it here.

Oh, no.

You guys aren't going to school here.

Well, what school are we going to?

[bell rings]

Welcome to the School of Rocque.

I don't like this school.

Quiet.

You love it!

Because by studying here, You won't miss out on rehearsal time And recording sessions.

Instead of lunch break, The School of Rocque has harmony breaks.

And every field trip is to the dance studio down the hall.

And you're our teacher?

No.

[all cheer]

Guys, say "Hi" to Mr. Smitty.

But you all can call me
"Mr. Smitty."

[adults laugh heartily]

Thank you so much.

I can take it from here.

Okay, then. Oh, excuse me.

First up, We have probabilities...

As in the probability that this band will fail Before its first single is ever released.

I don't think we're getting pie.

Thud!

Mom, I don't need homeschooling.

I can go to the Palm Woods school.

Tyler says the teacher is really cool.

Hey, I'm cool.

And this is a chance for us to spend time together.

In the fresh air.

So...

Let's start with math.

Hmm.

Negative integers.

"find the absolute value of 'x'
with respect to"...

Let's start with history, Where today we'll talk about...

The Peloponnesian w*r?

Hi.

I understand you have a school at the Palm Woods.

Good, then we're done.

Uh, no.

What I mean is, I'd like to enroll Katie in the school.

Does she work in tv?

S watches tv.

In accordance with our A.S.P.A. mandate, In order to attend our school, A student must be a member of the union.

To get into the union, She'll have to get a job in tv, film, or music.

And for that, she'll need...

A talent manager.

Now, I get 15% of all her earnings.

5% or we walk.

Deal.

Here's a list of open casting calls.

If she lands a commercial, She gets into the school And daddy gets some walkin'-around money.

Snap!

The answer is, "x" equals 9.

You know, I used to be in a boy band once.

Oh, and we thought we had it made.

Hot songs.

Flying business class.

Drinking milk straight from the carton.

[exasperated groan]

But let me tell you guys That that milk goes sour pretty fast.

I never thought I'd say this, but can we get back to math?

Yes, yes.

Let's get back to math.

So...

If four boys are in a band Making $10,000, Their manager gets 15%, Their record sales plummet 80%, What part of their dream is crushed?

Anyone? Anyone?

Anyone?

All of it!

Let's turn to page 562
in our textbooks.

What do you guys suppose is going on At the palm wood school right now?

Okay, class, your math homework tonight Is to play video games.

Girls: What's our English assignment?

To throw away your textbooks.

And if you reach into your desks, You'll find today's science project, which is...

Water fight!

[cheers and laughter]

Pay attention To the board.

Did you guys just have The same Palm Woods school fantasy as me?

Was the history assignment bungee jumping?

Close enough.

We have got to get out of here and into that school.

Follow my lead.

Hey, hey, hey.

No talking.

All eyes on the board.

The board!

The board!

Mr. Smitty, do that again.

What, this?

Did you guys see that?

Mm-Hmm.

The passion, the snap, You can't teach that.

Really?

Well, I have to admit, I was pretty good.

Which is why you can't give up your dream.

I mean, sure, you may be too old for a boy band, But you're perfect for u uh...

A man band!

Uh, yes.

Yeah.

Which are all the rage these days.

Right?

In Germany.

You got a demo?

I bet it's hot. Yeah?

No, no, no.

I flung those all into the ocean.

Then we got to record you one right now.

No, no, no. We couldn't do that.

It was a long time ago.

I've put this all behind me.

♪ it's the only life you got ♪
♪ so you gotta to live it big time ♪
♪ rush... ♪
[thud]

[cheers and applause]

That was great.

Oh, so good. So good.

Yes!

They're gonna love you in Germany.

Ja voll! [giggles]

Here's your super hot demo.

Here's your briefcase.

Yes!

And here's one travel moose.Net One-way ticket to Dusseldorf.

Oh, what can I say, fellas, except...

Auf wiedersehen?

[giggles]

Hoo! Yeah!

Okay.

Now to tell Gustavo our teacher bailed, And we need to go to the Palm Woods school and...

[all scream]

Oh, of course you can go there.

Now that your teacher is off to Germany, There's really no other option except...

Kelly, get them another teacher!

Someone untrickable!

Man, we were so close.

No, you weren't.

"does a bear poop in the forest?

It does if it takes poopenusil."

You know, sweetie, I think you have a certain quality That no one else here has.

I don't know if she's right for a laxative commercial, But come back tomorrow.

They want a cute kid for a potato chip spot.

Can I fire you?

No, I'm your mother.

So...

You didn't like your first teacher?

Well, I didn't like him either.

The moment he felt the heat, he ran for cover.

But me?

I'm battle-tested.

I have a black belt, And I'm not afraid to hit you with it.

And there is nothing, Nothing you can say or do To get me to leave.

Here's the keys to the Porsche out front.

Leave now and it's yours.

Kelly!

Have you seen the keys to my...

[engine revving, tires squealing]

[Gustavo screaming]

You know he's not gonna give up.

Kelly, A proper education is very important to us, And this is a supply closet.

Attention, students.

Please report to principal Rocque's office.

All students to principal Rocque's office.

Boys, I care about you.

I do.

And I would like to tell you a story from my youth.

My principal was a jerk.

And I vowed that some day I would be a principal; A good one...

Fair, Pleasant...

But you're none of those things.

Hey! Things don't always work out!

Bottom line is, You boys are staying in the School of Rocque.

End of story.

But, Gustavo...

[tapping]

Principal Rocque.

It's just, This school isn't meeting our social And educational needs.

We need to go somewhere that actually feels Like a real school.

With girls.

And field trips.

And pie!

You go to my school; you play by my rules.

And I will find a teacher that will enforce those rules.

A w.W.E. Superstar super teacher!

[laughs]

Who are you gonna get?

Chris "the masterpiece" masters?

[laughs]

[screaming]

I did not see this coming.

Okay, class, let's get started.

Is that really Chris masters?

That's right.

W.W.E. Champion And the only certified A.S.P.A. Teacher Trained to use the master lock.

That's right.

And I believe that the key to a sound mind Is a healthy body.

So throw your books away.

Throw your books away.

All right.

Now I want you guys to lift your desks.

Excuse me?

Lift your desks!

Now give me 500 desk presses!

Count them out!

All: [grunting]

One...

Two...

Up!

All: Three...

Up!

All: Four...

[screaming]

I can't take another day at the School of Rocque.

I can't move my arms.

Hey, guys! High five!

[all moan]

Tyler, what are you so excited about?

Miss Collins says we're having class outside today!

All: Class outside...

All right, class, it's time for geography, And you know what that means.

Have fun!

[all cheering]

Girls: Come o Come on!

Co on!

Come on!

You're gonna be late for school.

Mine had globe beach balls.

Mine had pool pie.

Mine had a low student-teacher ratio.

But how are we gonna get rid of Mr. Masterpiece?

My mom packed us corn chowder for lunch today, right?

Katie Knight?

Katie Knight is next.

We are going to get you into that Palm Woods school today.

So just go and be yourself.

No, wait! Don't be yourself.

Be an angel who listens and is polite.

Okay, Katie, Hold up the bag of chips; Look into the camera.

When you hear the crunch, it's a chip.

But when you smell the crunch, it's o'chippigans.

And when you smell garbage, it's this commercial.

Excuse me?

This stuff is nothing but a heart att*ck That goes good with dip.

I'd be better off stepping in front of a bus...

Of lard.

Katie!

Now let me jot down something On how fitness and body oil Helps build a strong immune system.

[retching]

Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

Awesome: Chunky vomit!

Hey, don't touch that.

Don't touch that.

Germs!

Oh, good!

No.

[all laughing and shouting indistinctly]

[screams]

Those kids are animals!

Thud!

The A.S.P.A. Official school registry?

And it's filled with every A.S.P.A.-Licensed teacher That I can and will call.

Every time you chase one off, I have 10,000
waiting in the wings.

Whoa! Thud!

It's a big book, guys.

Your next teacher will be here in 30 minutes.

You play by my rules.

I win!

I'm going to laugh and leave victorious now.

[laughs maniacally]

Well, I guess we can kiss the Palm Woods school good-bye.

Maybe not.

This isn't just a list of teachers.

It also has the rules every A.S.P.A. School needs to follow.

I smell brain.

Okay, according to this, we're entitled to hot lunches, Outdoor breaks, and interscholastic sports programs.

We didn't get any of that.

Exactly.

So if Gustavo wants to have a school here...

He's got to play by these rules.

I smell plan.

Kelly!

Which tie makes me look more principally?

The ugly one.

Oh, hey, principal Rocque.

Hey!

I hope there's a good reason My control room is filled with your sweaty socks!

Well, A.S.P.A. Rule 209

States that all students must have adequate storage For personal belongings.

Which the School of Rocque hasn't provided.

Oh, I don't like the sound of this.

Hey!

That shelf is for my awards!

You wouldn't want to be in violation Of A.S.P.A. Rules, would you?

You could lose your business.

They're right.

Find a place for the dogs to keep their smelly stuff, Which is not in my office!

And where's your teacher?

Yeah, we told him A.S.P.A. Ensures teachers Five paid sick days And two personal days a year.

Whoo-hoo!

So long, suckers!

[laughs]

Sounds like a personal day to me.

[whimpers]

"all laundry detergents fight stains.

But for suds-o, it's personal."

I'm not saying this.

Say it.

We need to get you into the Palm Woods school.

Why would they cast her?

She couldn't sell bacon to a dog.

What if I kick your bacon?

Don't stoop to his level, honey.

Kids.

Well, I think she's just adorable, The way she thinks she has a chance Against my Elliot.

I mean, look at her.

Oh, it's on!

[growls]

Your mom is a freak!

[grunts]

Pile driver!

Thud!

[all grunting]

Take it back!

Uncle!

Okay, next up is Katie Knight.

Katie?

[grunting stops abruptly]

She's not getting the part, is she?

Keep looking!

There's got to be something in this book That will make me win.

I'm reading through it for the fourth time!

Read harder!

Just let them go to school at the Palm Woods.

The day I let them b*at me is the day I...

Is that a goat?

[bleats]

[bleating continues]

Every A.S.P.A. School Has the right to a school mascot.

[basketball horn blows]

You are familiar with A.S.P.A.'s stance On interscholastic athletics, right?

Huh?

Did you see our goat?

[bleats]

We call him Gus.

Gus Tavo.

Get it?

[buzzing]

Crowd: Win, tigers, win!

Win, tigers, win!

Win, tigers, win!

Win, tigers, win!

Win, tigers, win!

Win, tigers, win!

Win, tigers, win!

[bleats]

Win, tigers, win!

We're playing the cast of hopeless housewives.

Oh, don't be fooled by the score.

We're playing great.

[whistle blows]

[yelps]

[cheers and applause]

Go, goats!

Whoo-hoo!

Hey!

Hey, if you can't b*at them, join them.

[whistle blows]

Get out of my studio!

Get out! Come on!

Get out... oh, I'm in.

[screams]

[scuffling]

Come on, come on.

Oh, James! James!

[indistinct cheering]

[buzzer]

[loud percussive crash]

[screams]

[cheers and applause]

Sorry, Gustavo.

We'll get 'em next time.

Principal's office.

Now!

I am the principal of the school.

And I do not give in to demands And hooliganistic tactics don't scare me.

Sabotage?

Shmoobotage.

You Cannot b*at me!

Now, what you've done here can not And will not go unpunished.

Which is why I hereby Expel you!

What?

What does that mean?

It means...

You are hereby kicked out of the School of Rocque!

Now get out.

Go on.

I guess...
[clears throat]

Move it!

[groans]

It wasn't easy, But they needed to be disciplined.

So from now on, I'll pick the guys up From the Palm Woods school And bring them here by 12:30.

Yep.

[guys hooting and hollering]

Kids don't always get along, But they do always get dirty.

So if yours are mud-magnets like mine, Be sure to use suds-o laundry detergent.

The only detergent that knocks out stains.

Nice job.

I am loving this town.

So am I.

Okay.

Time to do school, Palm Woods style.

Hello, ladies.

Okay, class, let's start with science.

Where we're gonna talk about water displacement.

[guys all screaming and shouting]

[shouting continues]

This school was much more fun in our fantasies, Wasn't it?

All: Yep.