02x07 - iKiss

[bunniefuu]

Hey, hey.

I'm not here for your entertainment.

I'm a foot.

Leave me alone.

Oh, foot.

[Knock on door]

Hey, Carly.

Oh, hey.

Is Sam here?

No, why?

'Cause I pulled a prank on her.

You pulled a prank on Sam?

Uh-huh.

What, are you tired of living?

Why would you mess with Sam?

Because she put a dead fish in my locker.

Smell this.

No. Gross.

I don't wanna smell your fishy backpack.

What prank did you play on Sam?

Open the door.

Call the police.

Open this door.

Leave me alone, Sam.

We're even.

Come here, Benson.

You handcuffed her to Gibby?

She put a dead fish in my locker.

Gibby's way worse than a dead fish.

My mom thinks I'm awesome.

Just give me the key.

Give her the key.

Only if she promises-- [Screams]

No, Sam. Don't, don't.

Go away. Go away.

No, no, no.

Carly, call the police.

Freddie-- somebody help me.

Oh, my arm.

Where's the key?

In my front pants pocket, left side.

Get the key out of his pocket.

Okay.

Eww, no.

Just let me up and I'll give you the key.

Please.

Now, unlock me.

Like Gibby's therapist didn't have enough to deal with.

Come on, you put a dead fish in my locker.

I handcuffed you to Gibby.

We're even.

Yay. Who wants lemonade?

I don't play to get even.

Mama plays to win.

I'm gonna get you.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I'm gonna get you.

I'm not scared.

Really?

Are you gonna throw up in it?

Uh-huh.

In five, four, three, two.

[Music]

♪ I know you see ♪
♪ somehow the world ♪
♪ will change for me ♪
♪ and be so wonderful ♪
♪ live life, breathe air ♪
♪ I know somehow ♪
♪ we're gonna get there ♪
♪ and feel so wonderful ♪
♪ it's all for real ♪
♪ I'm telling you ♪
♪ just how I feel ♪
♪ so, wake up the members ♪
♪ of my nation ♪
♪ it's your time to be ♪
♪ there's no chance ♪
♪ unless you take one ♪
♪ every time you see ♪
♪ the brighter side ♪
♪ of every situation ♪
♪ something's are meant to be ♪
♪ so give me your best ♪
♪ and leave the rest to me ♪

Spencer hikes the ball.

He looks, he sees-- Spencer Shay is handsome and open, pressure, laterals, touchdown!

We're back.

S'up, Spence.

[Screams]

Hey.

Where have you guys been?

A movie.

We saw "the first kiss."

Eww. How was it?

Same as every other stupid teen chick movie ever made.

It made me embarrassed to be a teen chick.

So what up with that thing?

He wants to be a professional football player.

Hey, come on.

It could happen.

Sure, if all the other professional football players are eaten by lions.

Uh, wrong.

The Seattle cobras are holding open tryouts for the first time ever and I'm going for it.

It's his dream that will never be.

Oh, yeah?

Hold this.

What are you doing?

Sam, you throw pretty hard, right?

Yeah, I can throw.

Good.

I want you to throw me that ball as hard as you can then I'm gonna run it all the way back through that door and see if you guys can stop me.

What's this gonna prove?

We're ninth grade girls.

Just throw the ball.

Ahhh.

Sorry.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Just next time, if you can throw the ball a little higher, that'll be great.

Hey.

What's the baseball bat for?

Nothin'-- as long as Sam keeps her distance.

Relax.

I'm too tired to get you back tonight.

Good.

So, how was "the first kiss"?

Worst movie ever.

I told you guys that movie was gonna be awful.

I mean, even the title, "the first kiss."

I know.

So, who was yours?

Who was my what?

Your first kiss.

Sam.

Come on, we're all friends here.

Well, two friends and a co-worker.

Who was your first kiss?

Okay.

It was Ben Hoobsher.

Nobody's last name is Hoobsher.

Yes, it is.

He kissed me under a kumquat tree and his lips tasted like potato salad.

Was it good?

Hmm, just an average little kiss.

No, the potato salad.

Oh, yeah. Really good.

Nice.

My first kiss was with Buddy Hinten at a Cuddlefist concert in a porta-potty.

Hmm, so romantic.

Whatever.

All I know is, now, I can't stop thinking about potato salad.

Does that little market across the street stay open late?

Yeah, 'till 10.

Does that skeevy guy still hang around out front?

Yeah.

I'll be back.

So, who was your first kiss?

You don't need to know.

I absolutely need to know.

Ah, I need money from other people.

Okay.

Then, just tell me her first name.

Oh, is that a new ceiling?

Who was your first kiss?

I haven't had my first kiss.

Oh, shut up.

I've never kissed anyone.

But what about that rotten girl you dated last year, Valerie?

You kissed her, right?

No.

Well, for like half a second at school with a bunch of other kids hanging around.

But, no, I've never had a real kiss.

Oh.

Well, I think it's kind of sweet that you haven't kissed anyone yet.

It's not sweet.

It's lame.

You've got to swear you won't tell anyone-- especially Sam.

[Music]

Catch it.

Catch it.

Catch it.

Yes. Now, run.

Go. Run, run, run.

Good. You got it.

You got--oh, you fell down.

Aren't you supposed to be training for the cobra's tryouts?

I am training.

I'm watching football, learning about football, snuggling a football.

I knew you weren't gonna take this seriously.

I am, too, taking it seriously.

I just can't get-- off your lazy butt?

All right.

There.

Look, my butt's up and moving.

Great, 'cause I'm sure all professional football players do that.

They would if they could.

Oh, cramp.

Oh, cramp.

Oh, cramp.

Cramp.

Oh. Ow.

Okay.

Now that you're done doing the butt-cramp dance, you need to exercise.

Well, it's hard to exercise when you don't have someone there to motivate you.

Do you really wanna be a Seattle cobra?

Yes, with all my heart.

Okay.

Then I'm gonna motivate you.

Huh.

You're gonna start by building up some muscle.

I have muscles.

Do you?

Yes.

Then, take off your shirt and jump up and down.

I don't want to.

Why not?

'Cause I'll jiggle.

Then you need to build some muscle.

How?

Oh, I'll show you how.

Aaaah!

Come on.

Aaaah!

I'm going.

Is that all you got?

Aaaah!

Be a man.

Aaaah!

You can do better than that.

Aaaah!

Stop jiggling.

Aaaah!

Come on.

It burns.

Hurry up.

A hundred and ten percent.

Oh, God.

Oh, man, how long have I been running?

A minute and 45 seconds.

Keep going.

It's so boring, just going around in circles.

Okay, then take me upstairs.

What?

You heard me. Upstairs!

Okay.

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Quit complaining.

Ahhh!

Come on.

Oh, this is impossible.

Move it.

Ahhh, what have you been eating?

You can do it.

Oh, my groin.

[Screams]

Okay. Next on iCarly-- please enjoy this preview of a new movie called-- Kelly Cooper.

She just wanted to fit in with the popular crowd.

You wanna fit in with the popular crowd?

I do.

Well, too bad.

No!

But Kelly had other ideas.

She tried on a bunch of different clothes and danced all around.

[Music]

Fell down a few times.

[Screams]

And somewhere along the way, she met the guy of her dreams.

I can't be your boyfriend.

You can be whatever you wanna be, Chad.

[Screams]

And now, Kelly's turning the whole town upside down.

Come on, everyone, jump around with me.

I can't believe this.

I never lose.

Guess you got your comeuppance.

Sorry, Natalie.

Or should I say, Nata-loser.

A comedy that no one wants to see.

"Kelly Cooper: Terrible movie."

[Screams]

[Applause]

Oh, oh, please.

Yeah, thank you so much.

Thanks, really.

It's definitely too much of us, really-- okay, that wraps up iCarly for tonight, so.

Ah, wait.

Just one more little thing.

What?

You guys all know our technical producer, Freddie.

Show yourself to the people, Freddie.

Hello.

That was Freddie who last week handcuffed me to a nerd.

So now guess what?

Freddie has never kissed a girl.

Never. Not once.

I heard him say so myself and Carly is a witness.

Okay. Later.

Sam! Sam!

You just ruined Freddie's life.

I don't wanna be here.

Come on.

Come on.

I don't wanna--I don't--I--
I don't wanna be here.

You can't ditch school.

Everyone's gonna make fun of me.

You're being way too dramatic about this.

Now, come on, take off that insane disguise.

See, no one's laughing.

I told you, you're being way too dramatic-- hey, it's Benson.

[Makes kissing noise]

Give me my afro.

No.

Just 'cause a few rude guys made kissy noises at you is no reason-- Freddie.

Freddie, I don't mean to be rude but I hear you've never kissed a girl.

Well, thanks for stopping by.

The important thing is to be proud of yourself.

You need to face the world with shoulders cocked and say, "I am Freddie Benson, and I have never kissed a girl."

[Laughter]

Hey there. Stop that.

Stop laughing.

At this unfortunate misfit.

Okay.

So far, things aren't going that well, but-- can I go home now?

I would.

[Music]

[Knocking]

Hey.

Hello, Gibby.

Carly's not home from school yet.

I know.

She sent me here.

Carly sent you here?

Yeah.

She was supposed to help you train this afternoon for your football tryouts, right?

Yeah.

Well, she had something to do so she sent me with a list of instructions.

Well, that's really nice of you, Gibby, but I decided I'm gonna bail on the whole cobras tryout thing, so you can run along and do whatever it is Gibby's do, okay?

Oh. What was that about?

Well, Carly said, "if Spencer tries to be lazy, "throw a cup of water in his face to perk him up."

Right.

Well, that was hot coffee.

Oh.

Well, can I have a cup of water?

No.

Look, I promised Carly I'd work out with you, so let's do this.

Okay.

We'll go for a run around Woodley Park.

But that's all the way across town.

I know.

Here's $10.

You take a bus and I'll run there.

And that way I'll get even more exercise.

Why can't I just run with you to the park?

Trust me this is a great plan.

I promised Carly I'd work out with you.

Don't worry your pretty head about that.

Well, what time do you think you'll get to the park?

Wait there.

You'll see me soon.

Are you sure this is a good plan?

You'll get tons of exercise.

It's not my birthday-- I know you're very pretty.

[Music]

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

You're always late.

So? It's cool.

The show doesn't start for three more minutes.

Where's Fred weird?

Freddie's not coming.

What. Okay.

He stayed home from school all week, he missed two iCarly rehearsals, and now he's gonna miss the show?

That's so unprofessional.

You really hurt him.

Every time he leaves the house, he gets teased

'cause you told the whole world he's never kissed anyone.

You know, he won't even talk to his mom.

He just sits on the fire escape alone 'cause he's too embarrassed to see anyone.

You like ruined his whole life and you don't even care.

All right.

I'll go apologize.

It doesn't even matter if you apologize, kids are still gonna give him a hard time
'cause you can't take back what you said.

Look, I didn't mean-- you went too far this time and you can't fix it.

[Beeping]

We got to start the show.

Well, how can I do the show, now that you made me feel all depressed?

I don't know.

Just get in front of the camera and do it.

In five, four, three, two-- I'm Sam.

And I'm Carly.

And this is iCarly.

The only Web show that contains no trans fat.

And keeps Kitty litter box smelling fresh all day.

And now, what you've all been waiting for.

Carly and I are about to have our very first-- meatball w*r.

[Cheering]

We have our slingshots.

And a hundred meatballs.

But before we start our meatball w*r, I wanna say something.

On the last iCarly, I told you guys that Freddie never kissed anyone.

And that was really personal and I shouldn't have said it on the show.

And for all you people out there who've been teasing Freddie about it, lay off, 'cause I bet a whole lot of you haven't kissed anyone either-- including me.

Yeah, that's right.

I've never kissed anyone.

So, if you wanna tease someone about it, tease me, which is a bad idea unless you live near a hospital.

Our meatball w*r will be happening soon, but for now, please enjoy this photo of a man with shrimp up his nose.

Why did you stop the show?

That was amazing what you just did.

Eh.

You lied so people would stop teasing Freddie.

I didn't lie.

Wait.

You've seriously never kissed anyone?

You shocked?

Well, yeah, but just because you always seemed so willing.

I'm gonna go talk to Freddie.

I'm taking these meatballs.

♪ Did I tell you ♪
♪ I knew your name ♪
♪ but it seems that ♪
♪ I've lost it ♪
♪ did I tell you ♪
♪ it's my own game ♪
♪ this is not your problem ♪

what's up?

Nothing.

Meatball?

No thanks.

That was really brave what you said.

You heard?

You didn't think I'd miss iCarly.

I'm sorry about telling people you never kissed anyone, and about putting blue cheese dressing in your shampoo bottle, and about sending your cell phone to Cambodia.

Everything, okay?

So this means you're not gonna mess with me anymore?

No, I'm still gonna mess with you.

I'm just gonna apologize every few years so I can start fresh again.

Good.

Good?

Yeah.

It'd be too weird if you didn't make my life miserable all the time.

But you know, maybe you could pull back just a little bit--

I don't think so.

Yeah, I didn't either.

It's so dumb.

What do you mean?

You know, how people get all freaked out over their first kiss.

Stupid.

So you weren't lying?

You've really never kissed anyone?

Nope.

Sometimes I just wish I can get it out of the way.

Yeah, you know, me too.

Right?

You know, just so I can stop worrying about it.

Yeah.

What?

Nothing. It's-- tell me.

No, it's dumb.

Say it.

Okay. I was just gonna say-- that we should kiss?

You're gonna break my arm now, right?

No.

Well, should we?

Just so both of us can get it over with?

Hmm.

Just to get it over with.

Just to get it over with.

And you swear we both go right back to hating each other as soon as it's over.

Oh, totally.

And we never tell anyone.

Never.

Well, when?

♪ I don't know ♪
♪ if I'm gonna change ♪
♪ wasting time and another day ♪

well, that was-- nice?

Yeah, nice.

Good work.

Thank you.

You too.

♪ I keep running away ♪

Hey, I hate you.

Hate you too.