04x02 - iSam's Mom

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

Hey, what's up?

Hey, hey.

Is Sam here yet?

Nope.

Ulch. Are those new pants?

Yes, they are.

From tweenpants.com?

They sell pants for men now.

Then you should have bought some.

Yo Carly... Oh, hey, Gibby, could you help... Gibby, I told you we can't do your doctor lobster bit tonight.

I thought you were kidding.

Well, no.

The show's too long.

I had to cut some stuff.

Wow, I'm really mad right now.

Would you say you're steamed?

Look, we could still do it next week or maybe the week after that.

Hey, you got any anti-itch cream?

And look who's late again.

Don't start with me.

Ooh, someone's extra feisty today.

Ah, my mom's been chewin'

on my nerves.

What'd you two fight about this time?

Here we go guys.

I sent her out for a bucket of chicken, and then I wait and I wait and I wait.

In five, four, three... So I'm waitin'

for my chicken, and then, like an hour and a half later my mom comes back with a bucket of cold chicken and a new tattoo.

Why didn't she get the tattoo and then get the chicken?

She got the tattoo from guy in the chicken line.

Ew!

Right?

Let's talk about this later.

Yeah, we better start the show.

The show started 15 seconds ago.

And this is iCarly!

In 5, 4, 3, 2... [Music]

♪ I know, you see somehow ♪

♪ the world will change for me ♪

♪ and be so wonderful ♪
♪ live life, breathe air ♪ I know somehow ♪
♪ we're gonna get there ♪
♪ and feel so wonderful ♪
♪ it's all for real ♪
♪ I'm telling you ♪ just how I feel ♪
♪ so wake up the members ♪
♪ of my nation ♪
♪ it's your time to be ♪
♪ there's no chance ♪
♪ unless you take one ♪
♪ and it's time to see ♪
♪ the brighter side ♪
♪ of every situation ♪
♪ some things are meant to be ♪
♪ so give it your best ♪
♪ and leave the rest to me ♪
♪ leave it all to me ♪
♪ leave it all to me ♪
♪ just leave it all to me ♪

Sam?

What?

It's almost 4:00 in the morning.

What are you doing here?

I'm upset with my mom.

We got in another fight, so I packed my bag and came here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're moving in here?

Well, where else am I gonna move to?

Everything all right?

I heard noises and the chain lock on the front door is broken.

What's Sam doing here?

Just make me some eggs, will you?

I haven't eaten since 2 A.M.

Okay.

Wait, wait.

Yeah.

You thought a criminal broke in our house, and was in my room... Um-hmm.

So as a w*apon you brought a suck duster?

Sure did.

You're insane.

Am I?

Yeah, you are.

There's something wrong... Try and fight me off.

Oh, yeah.

You can't fight the suck duster, kid.

No. You're hurting my hair.

Spencer, stop.

You thought you were safe.

Spencer, don't.

I'll make my own eggs.

Stop it. Stop it. No, no, no.

Hey.

So I'm really being recorded right now?

Yep. They're spy glasses.

There's a teeny video camera right here, and then on this part, there's a flash chip that holds up to six hours of video.

Do I look good?

You look great.

Gib-beh.

Hey, hey, a couple of smokin'
salmon just swam by.

What do you say we capture this moment on video?

I say, "action."

Hey, what can I get you little ladies today?

Do you sell smoothies?

Do... what?

Move, move. Out of my way.

He's getting away.

No, he's not.

Go get him, Gib.

Call my mom.

Oh, man.

That dude took over 300 bucks.

Jerk.

Call the cops.

You check the video.

See if we got a good sh*t of his face.

On it.

Hey, Gibby, he's gone.

You can come out.

That guy runs fast.

Everybody all right?

Hey, T-Bo.

Sup?

The cables to our cameras are cut.

Oh, man.

We didn't even get the thief on video?

And now I gotta buy new cables, too?

Hey, you do have him on video.

How?

These sunglasses have a teeny video camera right here, and I was recording the whole time.

Shut up.

True chiz.

Yeah, that's my boy.

You know what?

You take this coupon.

Buy a dozen smoothies, and get your 13th smoothie at 10% off.

Yes. Yeah.

Hey. Sam. Sam.

Hey, Carls.

Can you tell me why I found this half-eaten tamale in my bed?

'Cuz I left it there. Give me it.

My bed is a place for me to sleep, not a place for your Mexican fiesta platters.

Look, I hear your frustration.

And look what I found on the stairs and not in the hamper, someone's little "I heart Vegas" panties.

You know I hate that word. Panties.

Ah!

Yo, can you guys take the girl fight upstairs?

I wanna watch celebrities underwater.

No, I don't like that show. Why?

It's not fun to watch d-list actors almost drown.

Hey, no, no, no, no.

Why isn't celebrities underwater on my DVR?

I deleted it.

Why would you do that?

I don't like the playlist menu cluttered up with a bunch of shows I'm not into.

[Squeals]

Look, if you wanna keep staying here, then no more eating ethnic food in my bed.

Yeah.

And no deleting my wet celebrities.

And no more panties on the stairs.

I don't like that word.

Well, too bad.

Stairs! Stairs! Stairs!

She meant panties.

Now, I'm embarrassed.

How can you not accept my coupon?

You see the date? Expired.

But you gave it to me yesterday.

Then you shoulda used it yesterday.

Hey, hey! Dave Mercer!

I watch you on the news, maybe two, three times a year.

Thank you. Yeah.

Hey, what's up with this?

Channel Eight News is doin'

a story about me.

Actually, we're doing a piece on the Shadow Hammer, the man who robbed this place.

I'm the victim.

Right.

So, why do they call him the Shadow Hammer?

Because he's never been caught on video.

Before he robs a place, he sneaks in and disables the security cameras.

I had to buy all new cables.

We're live.

So now that you're the first person to have gotten video on the Shadow Hammer, are you worried that he might come after you for revenge given his violent nature?

Oh, I'm not the one that got him on video.

Then who did?

Him? That boy.

Freddie Benson.

Freddie Benson.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I had nothin' to do with this.

Sure you did.

Freddie Benson's got these special nerd shades that record video, that's how he... Would you quit saying my name.

I don't want that Hammer dude comin' after me.

I had nothing to do with this.

I'm not even Freddie Benson.

Yeah, you are.

Freddie and his mom live in the same building as me.

No, no.

Bushwell Plaza.

Aren't you guys in apartment 8-d?

I'm dead.

Freddie Benson.

Welcome home.

I made you a sandwich.

Listen, I really think that you should move back in... never.

She's your mother.

Look, if you don't want me to stay here anymore that's fine, but I'm not gonna go back with my... [Knocking]

Come in.

Mom?

I know who I am.

Carly, you got my mother... You guys have to make up.

I don't want any part of her.

You don't deserve my parts.

Why would I want worn out parts?

Cute.

Just take a good look at your future, baby, 'cause this is where you're headed.

My future is gonna be just fine.

Who told you that, your parole officer?

At least I call my parole officer.

Why don't you take a bath?

'Cause you didn't pay the water bill.

See?

Now you're communicating.

[Music]

[Music]

Hey, hey.

Hi.

What happened here?

Sam and her mom.

Did they talk things out?

They started off talking, and then there was yelling, and then our couch was in the kitchen.

Dude, you gotta figure out a way to... I already set up an appointment with a family therapist, so if I can just get them to go there, then... can I help you.

Hush.

What's going on?

Did you see the news today?

Who watches the news?

The Shadow Hammer piece was on.

There's a dangerous criminal out there who probably wants to hurt my Freddie with his hammer.

Oh, 'cause you got him on video?

Yeah, and now he knows my name and my address.

Why does your chest look all thick?

Uh, I've been workin' out.

You know, push-ups and milk.

That's quite a sports bra.

It's kevlar, Dumbo.

You're wearing a bulletproof vest?

I'm in danger.

Which is why we have to stay here for while.

Here?

I, I really don't think that's a good idea.

It's a bad one.

We already have Sam here.

Please don't stay in our home.

I have to protect Freddie.

But this isn't a good time.

Why do we have to be the people we already... unpack the suitcases.

I'll start boiling the silverware.

[Music]

And I've already made sure that neither of them has anything sharp in their pockets.

So now I'm just really hoping that you can help them find a way to stop arguing and get along better.

[Music]

You two are very lucky to have a friend who cares about you so much.

You married?

Excuse me?

I don't see a ring.

You got a woman or what?

Pardon my mommy's desperation.

Pardon my daughter's personality.

Blllleeehhhh!

Blllleeehhhh!

So why don't we all have a seat?

[Music]

Hey, Mrs. Benson.

When are you... state your name and business.

Carly shay, web show host.

It's all right.

She lives here.

Who are you?

Gunsmoke.

He's a bodyguard.

I hired him to guard Freddie's body in case that Shadow Hammer man shows up here.

Gunsmoke's fought in three wars.

That's right.

I got a hole in my leg as big around as my thumb.

Someone sh*t you?

No.

Then, then how did you get a hole in your... Freddie, I found my snow cone machine.

Check it out.

We can make all sorts of different flavored snow... Aah.

Oh. Why my face?

Awww, come on.

Mrs. Benson, could you please tell gunsmoke that he does not need to protect Freddie from me?

He was carrying a suspicious device.

It was a snow cone machine.

Which for all I know coulda been filled with plastic expl*sives or deadly furon gas.

Well, it wasn't.

Then can I have a snow cone?

No, you broke it.

[Screaming]

This isn't what I meant by express your feelings.

Now, please, ladies, come on, come on.

You two are making the opposite of progress.

Hey, those pants fit you real good.

Stop it.

Now, I'd like to try something new.

You're gonna join a gym?

No, Sam.

You two need to spend some time in the therapy box.

What's that, like a tanning thing?

No, Pam.

It's a new kind of therapy that's a bit unorthodox.

Ahh, that's cool.

We're not Jewish.

Please follow me.

[Music]

In there, please.

What's this room?

Don't pick your nose.

I wasn't picking, I was itching. How come you... hey, why'd you shuttin' the door?

The point of the therapy box is to put you in a small space, together, with no distractions so you'll be forced to communicate and work things out.

What if I gotta take a wazz?

There's a bathroom right behind you.

Wait, what about food?

No food. Just talk.

[Screaming]

Who's ready for his mushrooms?

Why can't I eat pizza like them?

Ahhh, my leg!

[Screaming]

Whoa.

What is this movie?

The k*lling w*r.

Ugh.

Don't you think it's a little violent?

Can we please watch something else?

Fine. Put on full house.

Oh, awesome.

Why hasn't Sam texted me?

She's still at the therapist?

Yeah.

I'm gonna go there and see what's up.

Okay.

I'm gonna grab some lemonade.

Lemonade's for ballerinas.

[Music]

You never listen to me.

Really?

Well, try saying something interesting.

And all you care about is yourself.

Why can't you be more like Melanie?

Well, quit comparing me to Melanie.

You threw up in my car.

I was six years old, get over it.

Hi.

Your friends are insane.

How long have they been going at it like that?

Nine hours.

Just let me in there.

Fine.

You try talkin' to those freaks.

Why'd you close the door?

No one leaves the therapy box until those two learn to love.

You can't just leave me in here with them.

Then you did you come in the first place?

It's your... chew your shrooms.

Does Fweddie not like his mushy-wooms?

Does little Fweddie not wanna eat his special mushy-wooms?

Does little Fweddie... come on.

What was that for?

I'm being paid to protect that boy, and nobody's gonna lay a hand on him while I'm here.

All right, Mr. smoke, Freddie, Mrs. Benson, since you're so worried that the Shadow Hammer is comin' here to getcha, I'm gonna take care of this for you guys right now.

[Music]

I just need my screwdriver, and watch this.

Gonna pop this guy right off... Aah, ha-ha, ha.

One moment.

No real man drinks lemonade.

I like lemonade.

Mmm-hmm.

8-h. Observe.

Haaa, haaa.

Now, if the Shadow Hammer comes by here, which he won't, he'll be looking for apartment 8-d, which is now down there, so you're safe.

That's brilliant.

Thanks. Toodly-doo.

Hey.

Let's go.

Our suitcases are still up there... last stop.

... Okay.

Yo, gunsmoke, out you go.

But I'm in the middle of full house.

You got it, dude.

That is hilarious.

What difference does it make if you're wearing lipstick in here?

Welcome to the insanity that is my mother.

Hey, Sam, remember when you were seven and I told you that Fluffles ran away?

Yeah. I sold him.

Oh, my God.

You sold my bunny?

To foreigners.

Yeah, well, you wanna know why that rich doctor stopped calling you?

Steven? I told him you got hit by a bus.

Okay.

We've all done things that we're not proud of, like selling a child's pet or ruining the chances of a mother finding true love, but if we just try to look at the positive side of this... you know, she's never even said one nice thing to me about iCarly?

Come on, I'm sure that's not true.

What's iCarly?

I'm outta here.

This isn't working! Open up!

You can't leave the therapy box until you and your mother make nice.

They're never gonna make nice.

They're both horrible in their own ways.

No offense, you know that you're my best friend and that I love you, but let's face it.

You're a nightmare. Thank you.

You're no better.

You're supposed to be the adult here and you're acting...

[Makes nasal noise]

What's wrong?

You got girl cramps?

No. I'm, I'm freakin' out.

Why?

Do you remember what happened in that tiny space simulator?

I can't handle being trapped in small spaces like this.

[Makes nasal noise]

She's havin' a freak att*ck. What do we do?

I don't know.

What do you do?

Make up so we can get out of this nut box!

Just admit that you're both a mess, but, but that you love each other and you want it to be better.

Why should I...
[makes nasal noises]

Carly.

Carly, Carly, Carly, relax.

Relax, Carls.

Hey, hey, hey, listen.

Watch me, watch me, watch me, watch me, okay?

Watch me, okay?

I love you, mother.

What, you think I don't love you?

You never say it.

Well, it's not easy to say "I love you"

to a daughter who thinks I'm, you know, scummy.

I don't think you're scummy... All the time.

Really?

Yeah, really.

You know, I guess I coulda had a worse kid.

You mean that?

I do, and I'm sorry I haven't always been as understanding as I could've been, you know, like when you get arrested and stuff.

Well, I could probably try a little harder not to get arrested.

I don't like fighting with you.

Why don't we get you a new bunny?

Why don't I call that doctor, you know, tell him you're not really dead?

Can I come home?

Aw, hug me, you little turd.

[Makes nasal noises]

8-d, 8-d. No.

8-d. No.

8-d, 8-d.

8-d, 8-d.

8-d.