04x05 - Landline

[bunniefuu]

(Phone rings)

Hello?

Hello, "Dog," it's Principal Foster.

Oh, hey. Did you just call me "Dog"?

You're Vice Principal now. We're peers.

Oh.

Good news... I have a replacement for your science class.

It's about time, you old son of a bitch.

What?!

Too casual?

Uh, what?

Hello?

Sorry, what? You're breaking up.

Hello?

Dog?

Hello? Sorry, hello?

(Staticky): I can't hear you.

Bad reception, sorry. Hold on.

(Staticky): Breaking up...

I'm so sorry. They're building a new building next door and I have terrible reception.

Hey, no more phone calls! Get out of my room!

It's the only place I can get a signal, dude...

You know that.

Out!

Look at the stick... Is it red or blue?

Uh, yeah...

Well, sir, I...

Get out of my room.

Hello? Hello? Hello Hello? Hello... Stop.

Is it red or blue?

Hey, ow, Schmidt!

The Scarf has been backordered a month.

Wait, hello?

Meanwhile the hat is just sitting here.

Yeah, hello.

This is not a business center.

Hello?

Get out of my room.

Hello? Hello?

It's my man time.

Mama?

Mama, unplug it, okay?

Schmidt: Hello? Hello.

If you unplug it, it cannot electrocute you.

It's blue? Oh, yes!

Mr. Foster...

No, I don't want blue. With a bisque hat?

Hello, Dog. Dog?

I'll look insane!

Why do you have an electric guitar?

Aah!

Hello?

This phone situation has me really jazzed up!

Excuse my language.

Now, I'm gonna propose something.

Something insane.

Now you just all have to stay calm and trust me.

Fascinating.

Where do you put your music?

Why is there a rope?

(Phone rings)

(Gasps) It's ringing.

Whoa, that's cool.

Just like the movies.

We should answer it with, like, really funny voices.

Yeah.

We don't know who it is.

It could be anybody.

Could be Tanya from sixth grade.

Yeah.

(Stops ringing)

Oh... oh.

Next time it rings, we should answer it.

♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪

Just can't stop looking at this thing.

Man, I used to be so great at talking on the phone, man.

You know, something about the cord and the handset that just really set me at ease.

You were weirdly smooth.

If you slow dance with Nick, I'll hold hands with Amy.

Just make sure she cut her fingernails, though.

Tell her I'll make her a mix tape.

I'm just being stupid.

Tell her I'll make her a mix tape.

It was going great, by the way.

If this isn't sexy, I don't know what the heck is.

Something just came over him.

He was amazing.

I'm just excited to add a third number:

Home, work and cell.

Damn, I'm reachable.

I'm definitely gonna mention that in my profile in Business, Man! Magazine.

Businessman Magazine?

No, no, no.

Check that out: Business, Man! Magazine.

I've gotten a lot of heat from working on the sponge account.

I'm telling you, this is the first step in my quest to becoming a millionaire.

Well, I think that's a weird plan, but let's drink to it... Who's in?

No, come on, I got to study for my interview.

Oh, I would, man, but I got a lot of police stuff to study.

You know, like, roads, laws, b*ll*ts...

Be really nice if you guys spent some time and studied your friend Nick. Pop quiz, hotshots.

I miss you guys.

I don't understand what you're saying, man. Are you asking me a question?

For real, though, I miss you.

So we would just sit around and drink all day?

Aw, forget it, man! I'm storming off.

(Phone rings)

Oh!

Good morning, Vice Principal Day speaking.

What...? Calm down!

What?! Coach?!

(Whispering): Coach...

Are you sleeping with the school nurse?

Jess, are you crazy?

Of course I'm sleeping with the school nurse.

What?

Mazel tov.

My man. Much respect.

Look at you getting up in there.

Yeah. Living the dream.

Great.

That's really hot, dude.

That's really great. For me.

We have to fill out a form declaring our relationship?

Yes, it's a legal thing.

We're just covering our asses.

While you uncover yours.

Sorry, that was an unfortunate joke.

(Nervous laugh)

Um, anyway, uh, how did this start?

Uh, fine. A couple of weeks ago I got a cut.

Mm-hmm.

And I went to the nurse.

Okay.

And when I saw her, I was like, "damn."

And I was, like, "you frickin' got a cut."

And I was like, "you frickin' better fix it."

And she was like, "no. Cuts are gross."

Yeah.

And then we had sex.

Yeah.

That's disturbing on so many levels.

Um, I'm sorry, but your outfit looks like you got it at a Halloween store.

Thank you. Coach got it for me.

It's a child's medium.

(Giggles)

What'd you put for "nature of relationship"... "Girlfriend"?

Well, that's what I actually wanted to talk to you about.

'Cause, uh, we hadn't...

Question mark?

Um, it didn't feel like a question mark when you put a calamari on my finger like an engagement ring.

That didn't seem like a question mark to you?

Jess, someone's in my parking spot again.

Not now, Rose.

Hey, Ernie.

Hey.

Last night was really fun.

I found your swim trunks.

They're ruined. Really fun.

Ah, come on. Yeah?

I thought you ditched this bitch.

I will send your weave right back to the loom!

Oh, no, no. Excuse me?

Guys...

Oh, yeah!

Ladies, stop.

(Both arguing at once)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

See what you did?

This is a different form.

(Phone ringing)

(Groans)

All right.

(Ringing continues)

Settle down, I'm coming.

Hello?

No, Schmidt's not here.

No one's here. I'm here by myself.

Because I work at night, which means I'm probably the one who should answer the phone during the day.

Great, yeah, I'll tell him.

(Groans, sighs)

Great, she get a phone so Nick can answer it.

(Phone rings)

(Sighs)

(Groans)

What? I'm busy.

Winston's not here.

Really?

Uh-huh. Okay, I'll pass it on.

Okay, you too.

My gentlemen, I'm glad you're home.

I got your messages.

All right, here you go.

Wow. Are these alphabetized?

Yeah, you're welcome.

I felt like a secretary. It was pretty awesome.

Some auto body shop called, Schmidt... Apparently you're getting a spoiler?

I'm not getting a sp...

I just wanted a quote. Yeah, I get a quote just in case I do want to actually buy one.

And it's nice to have a price before you get emotionally invested. It's called predicting desires.

What I wish I would have said is when I first said it...

"Spoiler alert."

I wish it... when I... I wish I would have said, um,

"you're getting a spoiler.

Spoiler alert."

I don't think that would have helped.

I just... I'm just getting a quote, okay? It's really none of your business.

Definitely noted. Thanks, my man.

For the... Winston, uh...

Who's this Gal Judy?

I've never heard of her. She called twice.

Who is this woman?

(Chuckles) She's nobody.

Doesn't sound like nobody. Where'd you guys meet?

At the driving range.

The driving range?

But you don't golf.

Uh, I like to watch?

Winston, you go to the driving range just to watch?

Yeah.

Very strange, very strange.

Let's get back to this Judy character, because I am interested.

You made love to her yet?

I don't know.

Leave me alone, dude. Honestly, stop.

That's not even a big d... I don't even like her that much, all right?

Just, ugh. I'm probably gonna dump her.

Do you want to talk about it?

Just kidding. I'm messing with you.

Are you guys having as much fun as I'm having right now?

This landline has really brought us together in a great way.

I miss this.

Hey, if I cooked up a whole chicken, would you guys have some?

Those look like two hungry faces... (Chuckles)

Wow. That was intrusive.

Winston, how do you not know if you'd made love to someone?

I'm mad at you, Jess.

Why'd you put me on blast like that?

Because you shouldn't be sleeping with other teachers, Coach, let alone two.

Who are you, Blanche from Golden Girls?

Honestly, it took me a while to figure out who I was in that school, but I finally did.

Who?

I'm the guy who has sex with everyone.

Why can't you be the guy who loves recycling?!

Everyone loves that guy. This is a school.

It's a sexy place, Jess.

Look at that CPR poster. It's hot as crap.

What the...?

Why aren't they wearing shirts? Are they drinking wine?

Mm... That's it!

I'm gonna need to talk to all these teachers.

You're just jealous because you're not gettin' any.

(Indignant gasp)

When's the last time someone gave you CPR?

Well, I give it to myself at least once a month...

Oh!

To refresh.

I'm talking about real CPR!

Oh.

Look, you work in a school.

You need to have boundaries.

You have to be a professional.

Ah, Miss Day.

Oh.

There's someone here I'd like you to meet.

Oh!

This is Ryan.

He's gonna be taking over the science class.

Now, don't be alarmed, but his voice is gonna sound kind of funny.

It's because he's British.

Say something to her.

Hello. Pleased to meet you.

Ah. Oh, charming. Hi.

It's a... How do you do?

You must be, um... Mister...

"Gos... Gosin-Yure."

It's pronounced "Goes-In-You."

Goes-In-Who?

It "goes in you," Jess.

Goes in me. Goes in... Jess. What!?

I'm sorry, I'm gonna make a note of how to pronounce it.

It's really nice to meet you, Mr. Goes-In...

Ryan.

Coach: Hey, Jess, where you going? You forgot to tell him about boundaries!

It's great having you here, Mr. Goes-In-You.

Geauxinue. Yeah. Goes-In-You, Goes-In-You.

No... goes in all of us.

Yeah.

Sooner or later.

(Phone buzzes) This is Schmidt.

Hey, it's Nick. Let me get Winston.

Winnie the bish, you on?

What is happening right now?

I'm just giving you guys your midday update.

Schmidt, dry-cleaner company called.

Your socks are ready.

Schmidt: Oh, great.

Not quite sure why we need to be on a conference call for this.

Not quite sure why you need to dry-clean your socks, you weirdo, but we'll get back to that.

Winston, Judy called again.

And so, I told her you weren't feeling it.

(Laughs) Now why would you do that?

You said you were gonna dump her.

It was a very difficult conversation for you.

We all know how you are, so I just handled it. You're welcome.

Hey, Nick, do I need to be on for this? Can I get off?

Greta, great, great. You know what? Now she's gonna do something crazy.

You know, this is a very emotional woman we're dealing with, all right?

That bitch a leo!

Can I go now?

You should have thought of that before you dumped her.

I didn't! You did!

Because that's what you wanted.

I don't know what I want!

Judy didn't know what you wanted, either!

Oh, and Schmidt, the magazine called.

And they need a picture. But don't worry. I handled it.

What do you mean, you handled it?

I know you have a lot on your plate, so don't worry...

I sent them the most recent picture I had.

The most recent one?

Winston: Did Judy sound...?

Winston, enough! Nick, what, what do you mean by "the most recent"? I don't... I don't understand what that...

The latest picture.

It's the most accurate.

It's just good marketing. You know that. Check your e-mail.

You'll be happy.

Did you check it? Is it loaded?

Oh, no, no, no!

And that's all I got. You guys good?

(Schmidt sighs)

Okay, I'll check back in five.

What? Five... Five what? Nick? Five minutes?!

♪ I'm a very good secretary. ♪

(Phone buzzing) Hello.

Yeah.

Hello.

Yeah...

♪ Hello. ♪

Yo!

Hello.

Yo...

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

Yo!

What up? What up? What up?

Winston!

Hello.

I said... Winston I said "yo."

Wait. Who's this?

It's Schmidt! We got to do something about Nick.

We're here to address the school policies on interfaculty relations.

Some forms of touching, say, a... a friendly handshake, or a spirited pat, are completely appropriate.

Man: What if you spill coffee on your pants, and you're very burnt, and upon getting your pants cut off by paramedics, you become aroused?

I'm truly hoping that didn't happen.

What if you're in a situation where you either have to um...

Grab a teacher's crotch, or give narcotics to a student?

That's a great question, man.

Thanks, friend.

Not a great question.

And what if you...?

I'm done with you. If you feel things getting sexual...

Just say, "shut it down!"

Followed by a sweeping gesture with your hands, like such.

Everyone do it with me. Shut it down!

No, thanks.

It's kind of fun. Shut it down.

Shut it... Down.

Thank... Thank you, new guy.

Yes, Coach.

See, I'm more of a visual learner.

(Laughing): Oh, yeah, you are.

Do you think you could maybe demonstrate that move in context?

Really, Coach?

I think we'd all like that.

It's kind of like a...

Like a skit.

What?! (Overlapping chatter)

No idea.

Visual learning.

Like a skit.

All: Visual learning.

Show us! Do it!

All: Visual learning!

Okay, Coach, do you want to come up and help me?

How about the new guy?

British people love doing stuff, right?

No, I don't think...

British guy... doing stuff!

Woman: Yeah.

British guy doing stuff!

I'm telling you they don't like to do things.

Doing stuff! (All chanting)

The British are coming!

Okay, okay.

Happy to help.

(Applause and cheering)

Mr... "Guzinya" and I will now act out a sexual scenario.

It's "Goes-In-You."

Yeah. I know.

Okay, let's try it again.

All right, all right.

(Beep) Hello. You've reached the loft.

Oh, my God!

What?

Too sexy!

Sounds good to me.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm on fire right now.

This is a home. We're not selling lubricant.

Why aren't one of you doing this?

Because we couldn't decide which of us to do it, and this way, it's fair.

Put nothing on it. Flat as can be.

All right, here we go. Flat as can be.

Just say the words.

(Beep)

(Flatly): Hello. You've reached the loft.

Oh, my God!

Will you not stop until the whole world is aroused?!

Cece: Okay.

Hey.

Nick, my man, looking good.

There he is.

New set of PJs?

I know what you're doing.

You're blowing hot air up in between my butt cheeks.

And I'm no idiot. I know I was let go 'cause of the dang old machine. Story as old as time.

A new piece of technology comes around, and all the peasants freak out.

But one prince knows what's going on, and he says:"Don't trust the technology!"

And all you peasants trust it, and then the machine becomes self-aware and destroys you all.

And then, I become the loneliest prince of all, laughing in my golden tower.

(Laughs)

Isn't that a movie?

Maybe I stole that from w*r games, yeah.

Short Circuit.

No, it isn't.

Man, you know what's a good movie? Splash.

I don't know what is happening.

(Phone ringing)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Let's see what she can do.

(Beep)

Cece (Flatly): Hello. You've reached the loft.

Schmidt: Oh, my God. Will you not stop until the whole world is aro...?

(Beep)

Woman: Hey, this message is for Nick.

You responded to my ad about a custom secretary headset.

Please give me a call back.

(Beep)

How do they know my name? It's a stinking old prank.

I don't even care.

I got a lot going on today, so...

Are you just eating a bowl of jelly?

What does it look like?

It looks like a bowl of jelly.

It's a bowl of jelly, yeah.

Okay, so say I'm in the library and I feel Mr. G.'S hands on my shoulders.

I'm not interested.

So what do I do?

I say, "shut it down."

Does that make things more clear for you?

I feel like it needs to be a little more real, you know what I mean?

I feel like if he were to touch her, that would help, am I right?

(Others agreeing)

Am I crazy for thinking that? No, right?

Yeah. Just...

It'll be more helpful if he were to touch her. Just touch her, man.

I don't think so.

Yeah, he should touch her. Touch her!

Get in there! Touch her.

Okay, fine. Um...

So I'm in the library and, uh, Ryan approaches...

Hello. You look tense.

(Oohing)

With that accent.

Oh!

(Everyone murmuring sensually)

Mmm...

Sha, na, na.

Mmm... Day-o.

A little lower. Right in the wolf patch.

(Puzzled murmuring) Huh? What?

Should I shut it down?

What? Yes. Yes!

Shut it down!

(All gasping)

I touched your... I... that was...

That's fine. It's-it's cool.

Nice to meet you, too. (Laughter)

That was an accident. And when an accident happens, shut it down.

(Cheering, laughter)

I did it again.

That's what I'm talking about!

I think we need to fill out some forms.

Why won't these messages play, Winston?

The machine's on the Fritz.

Just don't tell Nick.

The magazine was supposed to call today and set up my interview.

I'm as mad as a dad in traffic!

You probably burnt it out. I mean, you listened to Cece's message 100 times.

I know. Then I touched my peen.

(Scatting cheerily)

There he is.

All right, Nick, hey, uh, you were home today.

Did anybody leave any messages about my interview for tomorrow?

I don't know. Why don't you ask the machine? Isn't that what you wanted?

(Chuckles) Uh, the machine's not working.

Isn't that funny? I feel like I'm working perfectly.

I'm gonna go take this machine back to 1993 and exchange it.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The magazine. They called.

They left a message. They want to do the interview today.

Why didn't you say anything?

That thing is super important to him.

You know how much this interview meant to him.

Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah.

First you break up with Judy and now this?

Why are you so obsessed with answering the phone?

Man.

We're just peeling the onion all the way to the middle, aren't we?

What's going on?

Just because I miss you guys.

And I didn't know what was going on with your lives and now I do, and it-it made me feel connected to you.

I'm not gonna lie to you, man, that got me.

(Phone rings)

Hello? This is Nick.

No, I'm sorry. Schmidt isn't here.

No, he didn't... Pl... H... Can you hold on one second?

(Quietly): It's the magazine.

They want to cancel the interview.

What?

They want to do it right now or not at all.

Yeah, this is Nick again. No, he-he did... He might...

Hold on one second. I hear something. That might be him. Please hold.

(Quietly): You've got to talk to 'em.

Why do I have to talk?

Because even though you're the most awkward person I've ever met, you're magic on the phone and you know it.

You know, I put those days behind me...

Schmidt's right here. Hold one sec.

(Quietly): You have to do it. For Schmidt.

I need a soda, I need a straw and I need to get horizontal, so get out of my way.

(Grunts)

(Exhales deeply)

Yeah, this is Schmidt. What up?

I read. The last book I read. Good question, good question.

Uh, some biography with, uh, Carson Daly. The one with the red cover.

Yes, that Carson Daly Joint.

You know, I respect that dude.

Yeah, he's just like me. He's always on.

There's not a lot of good white role models out there, and I say that as a white man.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you got it, Business, Man!

Is that the magazine? What are you boobs do...

What are you. Winston, get off the phone.

Stop, stop, stop. Stop.

Shh!

Trust us.

What does marketing mean to Schmidt?

This was the spoiler. What did it say? Uh...

Predicting desires.

Predicting desires.

Well, to me, it's all about predicting desires and finding buyers, you feel me? (Chuckles)

He's really good on the phone.

Did you know that my name was an acronym?

Uh-huh. Schmidt: Some can have money, I desire thoughtfulness.

(Winston laughs)

Schmidt don't quit!

Hey, Coach.

Hey.

I just came in here to say I'm sorry.

Sometimes it's...

Hard to control your feelings.

Which I demonstrated by...

Grabbing a man's "Dujeels" in front of the entire faculty.

Well, I'm sorry for putting you in a position to grab that man's "Dujeels."

I don't like saying "Dujeels." It's weird.

I call mine my Sam Jackson 'cause he's in everything.

I just don't know how to face Ryan again. I was so unprofessional.

Jess, you're the Vice Principal, and you're a great Vice Principal.

Doesn't mean you're not a human being.

Thanks.

Oh... And you'll be happy to know I've repealed the policy.

Oh.

(Gasps) You have?

That's frickin' awesome.

Ruth.

Hi. It's hot under there.

Happy to know you two have patched things up.

Yeah, we have.

Oh, they've been patched.

(Both laughing)

Two times.

I see your hand moving, and I... Wish you'd wait till I left the room.

Ruth: My bad.

Hey. (Chuckles)

Hi.

Hi. Sorry. Um, my hands are...

Staying behind my back, don't worry.

I won't even look at it.

I mean, I-I looked at it just 'cause I said it, but I...

(Chuckles)

Uh... hmm, yeah.

I was gonna ask you...

Foster: Vice Principal? A moment, please?

I'm so sorry.

Don't be sorry.

Um, my boss.

Good seeing you.

I'll, uh, see you around.

I hope so.

Principal Foster, I am so sorry. I went overboard.

First off, it's "Dog."

Dog.

Secondly, do not apologize.

I have tried to corral these animals myself.

It's impossible.

Word.

These teachers are straight-up ho's, Dog.

Sometimes you just got to let people follow their urges.

Yes.

I completely agree.

It's too bad we can't.

We can't?

Absolutely not. We're administrators, B.

This is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Two administrators? Perfectly fine.

But, unfortunately, as I've repeatedly told you, I'm not attracted to you.

Right.

You like asians.

So... Exactly.

So that's off the table.

Yeah.

So, do us both a favor...

Lock up that lobster.

(Sighs)

Schmidt: I still can't believe it. Look at that. "Bringing nasty back."

Nick: "The bad boy of marketing."

That is cool.

So great for my brand.

I mean, I always knew I was a bad boy, but now it's in print and it's official.

Don't call yourself a bad boy.

Am I a bad boy?

You're not a bad boy.

♪ He was born a pauper ♪

Woman: Winston!

♪ On a Christmas day... ♪

Damn it, Nick.

Winston!

Winston!

Yep.

It's Judy.

Hey, it's Nick! We talked on the phone!

'Sup?

Thanks, Nick.

Judy: Winston!