01x02 - Meteor Shower

[bunniefuu]

[Horn honks]

Dude, seriously?

Come on. It's fine.

[Horn honks]

Are you kidding me?

[Horn honks]

What is the matter with you?

Let's go.

But there is a woman in the crosswalk, sir.

So go around her!

[Horn honks]

What the hell are you doing?

Just one sec.

Hey, excuse me.

Excu... what... what are you...

What are you doing?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

[Air hisses]

You're cute.

Can't just use our fire a* to chop up people's cars.

And anybody wants to talk about it some more, you can come to down to my courthouse.

Have a beautiful day.

[Rock music]

Rebecca, the paparazzi are here today covering the Brianna Barton trial, which you're hearing.

If there was ever a day to care how you present yourself, it's today.

I got no A/C.

If you had to drive this, you'd be doing it without a top too.

Come on, she's a B-list actress who gets arrested every other week.

You think just 'cause she's in my courtroom, they care about me?

You know, it physically hurts me to look at your van.

It hurts my soul.

That's her! That's Brianna's judge!

Over here!

This way!

Judge Wright. Judge Wright.

Do you like Brianna's new haircut or do you miss the bangs?

All right, you guys want a picture?

Here's your picture!

[Cameras clicking]

Yeah.

Justice... at work.

Uh-uh, Gary.

Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary.

I'm super, super busy today.

I do not have time for a quickie.

Take it easy, egomaniac.

Okay, I'm testifying across the hall.

I'm sorry. I'm a little preoccupied.

I'm hearing the Brianna Barton case today.

It's gonna be a frickin' circus.

Actually, like, a quickie would have been spectacular.

Well...

Hey, um, is it cool if I come over tonight?

Of course.

Nice.

All right.

Okay.

See you then.

All right.

[Giggles]

Good morning, Tedward.

Good morning, Judge.

I see you've already said what's up to the paparazzi.

Wait... wait, how did you know?

What?

"Muffin Top Judge"?

"Muffin Top Judge."

What?

I don't have a muffin top.

Mm-mm.

Do you think I have a muffin top?

No, you do not have a muffin top.

My aunt Bernie, she got a muffin top.

She got a whole cake top.

Yeah?

She can't even put shirts over the damn thing.

It's like she's wearing an inner tube at all times, a slightly deflated, brown inner tube.

All right, I got it.

A little hair on the side.

Oh, Tedward.

You don't even want to know about the appendectomy scar.

[Cameras clicking]

All rise.

Court is in session.

The Honorable Rebecca Wright Judge presiding.

Please be seated and come to order.

All right, State vs. Brianna Barton...

[Music blaring through headphones]

One count of felony drug possession, one disorderly conduct, one criminal trespassing.

Counselor.

Oh, my God. I'm, like, supes sorry.

I was listening to my brand-new Sonic Cloud Headphones.

#Superiorsoundquality.

Okay, all right, okay, settle down.

Tedward, confiscate the headphones, please.

And Miss Barton, I'll remind you that you are in a court of law, not on QVC.

And if you do the little, pouty duck face again, I'm gonna fine you $10,000.

[Cell phone ringing]

All right, the next person whose cell phone goes off in my courtroom is going to spend the night in jail.

By the way, which one of you guys came up with, uh, "Muffin Top Judge"?

I'm just curious.

Anyone?

Huh?

No? Maybe I thought it was funny.

You know, I love to laugh.

[Laughs]

Big laugher.

That's how I sound when I'm laughing.

It's not funny to compare a human being to a pastry.

Not okay.

Not okay. Counselor?

Your Honor, we have dozens of witnesses to the disorderly conduct and to the trespassing.

Plus we have the defendant's own admission on site that she had been drinking Sizer...

Uh, Skizzer.

Uh, it's... the illegal purple stuff.

Defense, how do you plead?

Your Honor, we plead no contest.

We'll move straight to sentencing.

Wonderful.

That is great news.

I think you're amazing.

I'm gonna find you later.

[Knocking on door]

Hey.

Hey.

I am so pumped.

I rented Inception in 3-d, and I got a couple of special brownies straight from the evidence locker.

Oh, man, that sounds amazing. Dang.

I can't stay.

Oh.

I just came over to grab my Magic Mountain pass.

Whoa, wait, you're going to Magic Mountain tonight?

Yeah.

Oh, that's cool.

You gonna... you going by yourself?

No, I'm taking some girl from the coroner's office.

You know, she has some pretty upsetting tattoos, but, um, you know, she seems nice otherwise.

Oh, that's great.

[Chips crackling]

Does that bother you?

No, it doesn't bother me.

Why would it bother me?

I detected a very subtle fluctuation in your tone of voice.

Plus, you just crushed a handful of tortilla chips into atoms.

No, this is how I like to eat 'em.

Hmm.

Um...

Really?

Gary, I thought that we had plans tonight, man.

I windexed my TV.

I'm sorry. I honestly... I had no idea.

You know what?

Let's, uh, let's make other plans.

What are you doing Friday?

I don't know.

Well, there's this really cool meteor shower I want to check out.

Well, can I let you know Friday?

Uh, no.

But, you know, that's fine if you don't want to go.

I just...

I don't know.

I just don't know if I'm gonna be in the mood for meteors on Friday.

You know, checking out a meteor shower?

You could use a night like that.

Get out of the city, clear your head.

No, forget it.

Come on.

Just call the cadaver lady and tell her you got a better offer.

Rebecca, hey, you know what?

I'm not gonna stay, okay?

No?

And I'm gonna make other plans for the meteor shower.

But I really want to hang out with you.

I do.

But you either need to give me more than eight hours notice or don't be upset when I say no.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

I'm gonna have a great night without you, Gary.

Good.

I'm gonna eat your popcorn.

I'm gonna eat your burrito. I'm gonna eat your brownie too.

Have fun.

[Low-pitched moaning]

I shouldn't have had that second brownie.

[Breathing sharply]

[Inhales deeply]

911.

I forgot how to breathe.

Yeah.

And there's giant fruit.

Hey.

Ma'am, you called?

Yeah.

We're here to help.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, come on... Come on in.

[Holding Out For A Hero by Bonnie Tyler]

♪ Where have all the good men gone ♪
♪ and where are all the gods? ♪
♪ Where's the streetwise Hercules ♪
♪ to fight the rising odds? ♪

Whoa. Yeah.

All right.

Well, it looks like you're moving in the right direction.

Hey, I just realized.

You're the judge.

Remember me? You borrowed my a*.

Oh, dude.

Oh, my God.

You okay? What's going on?

Oh, I just had a really weird day, you know?

And I had plans tonight that kind of turned to garbage, so I just ended up eating a couple special brownies, wink, wink.

[Laughs]

Wink, wink?

You know, special brownies, wink, wink.

Are you asking me to wink twice?

No. No, I'm not.

I was checking out your books, and I noticed The Outsiders.

That's my favorite.

Really? Oh, well, that's great.

I, um, I love Rumble Fish.

Have you read... that's my favorite Hinton.

No, no, no, just The Outsiders.

Yeah, I was assigned it in seventh grade, and I just flipped for it.

Ever since then, whenever I feel like reading, I just read that.

That's literally the only book you've read since seventh grade?

When you find the book you love, no need to keep searching.

[Both laughing]

Right, totally.

♪ Sophistafunk, aristocats ♪
♪ distinguished dogs, clean up your acts ♪
♪ pull up your pants ♪
♪ ladies and gents ♪
♪ please, act like you got some sense ♪
♪ you know what I really want to know? ♪
♪ Where do all the good girls go? ♪
♪ What clubs they hang in? ♪

Both: Good morning.

How was your night?

Ugh! Sucked.

It was awful.

Gary blew me off...

Hmm.

And then, um, I ate a couple of pot brownies, and I totally freaked out. I had to call the paramedics.

What?

Yeah.

And then this hot fireman guy asked me out on a date.

[Phone rings]

Man.

Oh, yeah.

It's him. The guy.

It's the third time he's called this morning.

So?

You gonna go out with him, or what?

Nah.

Nah? Why not?

Because he's like eye candy. He's only read one book. And then, you know, it's just another thing to deal with.

Right, it's like getting a present and then having to write a thank-you note.

You know, it's just not worth it.

As the court determines sentencing, the state would like to point out the deliberate nature of the crime.

I'd like to call Dr. Gary Boyd, board certified psychiatrist.

Dr. Boyd.

Your Honor.

Dr. Boyd, how would you evaluate Miss Barton's state of mind to become publicly intoxicated?

Counselor, it's clear to me that Miss Barton did this for the attention.

She wanted the circus she knew would come with the arrest and trial.

But deep down, I believe she is tortured because she has no idea what kind of attention she actually wants from people.

Objection!

I would say if I were the defense attorney.

This is purely speculative.

Objection?

Sustained.

[Gasps]

Whoopsies.

[Sighs]

[Cameras clicking]

[Gasps]

#Embarrassed.

All right, all right, order, order in the court.

And Brianna, if you do that again, it's gonna be #contemptofcourt.

Understood?

[Phone ringing]

All right, whose cell phone is it?

No? Okay, well, I'm a woman of my word.

I said I'd arrest the next person whose cell phone went off in here, so I guess I'm gonna have to arrest all of you.

And a word to the paparazzi: This girl might be doing the time, but you are all complicit in the crime.

Without you, she's just Belinda... Wisniewski [Gasps] from Boise.

What's the matter?

Cat got your hashtag?

Yeah, we're gonna need more handcuffs.

[Both laughing]

Seeing their faces!

[Clears throat]

Judge Hernandez.

Rebecca, I heard something very disturbing in my the middle of my triple m*rder trial.

Well, sir, that's not totally surprising.

Apparently you arrested your entire courtroom?

That was reactive and unprofessional.

Oh, sir, come on. They're not people.

They're paparazzi.

That's not funny.

You pull another stunt like this, and you will answer to the judicial conduct board.

And get rid of that hideous van.

He does not have jurisdiction over my van.

[Sighs]

You need to call that fireman.

Ever since Gary stood you up, you've got a bunch of stuff going on up there, maybe more than you know.

All I'm saying is that you connected with him on some level, right?

Just enjoy it.

I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I don't need the complication in my life right now.

I am not calling the fireman.

Idiot.

[Sighs]

Morning, baby.

[Sighs]

Hey, you don't think I have a muffin top, do you?

There's nothing muffin-like about you, except maybe you're so sweet.

Aww. Hmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

[Muttering]

You want a coffee? You want that?

That's nice. Rise and shine.

Sure, yeah.

Yeah.

Don't know what you're doing this weekend, but I'm sort of the firehouse chili guy.

Pick a night, I'll come over and make a pot of three alarm chili.

I used to make five alarm, but it's too spicy.

Dropped it down to two alarm, nobody ate it.

Huh.

Now it's three.

Just right.

I didn't realize you guys actually ate chili.

I thought that was just a stereotype.

A cliche.

I didn't realize that firemen actually ate that much chili.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I eat chili with everything.

Uh-huh.

Chili, chili and baked potato, chili with spaghetti, chili con carne, chili with eggs, chili with...

Billy.

We can't do this.

It's just the ordinance.

Yeah, yeah, there's a state ordinance that says that firemen and judges aren't allowed to date.

I mean, technically what we did last night is illegal, and we could both be fired.

I had no idea.

I know.

It's a real bummer.

I mean, that's why you don't see judges and firemen dating, right?

I mean, but I am gonna do everything in my power as a judge to rectify the situation.

That means to correct or set right.

So will I.

I'm gonna go home right now, and I'm... I'm gonna write a letter to the governor.

That's the ticket.

Good morning, Judge.

You'll be happy to know that all the paparazzi are down the hall trying to get their charges dropped.

That, my young Tedward, is greatness.

Mm-hmm, oh, well, well.

Caramel iced coffee...

Your "morning after I got some" drink?

Please, I drink this all the time.

Yeah, that's also true.

Oh, shut up.

So, wait, you're telling me that you didn't get some last night?

No.

Hmm.

Well, I'll ask you again, but first, let me swear you in.

Fine, stop, all right.

I went out with the fireman, and...

He slept over.

Good for you.

No, not good for...

Well, actually it was... It was pretty good for me.

Yeah, give me a bump.

But, no, he's a doof. I had to cut him loose.

Tedward, all the guy wants to talk about is making his frickin' chili.

Whoa, what? He's the firehouse chili guy?

Yeah.

You got to try his chili.

I don't want his chili.

Probably the best chili you ever had.

I don't want his chili.

You're not gonna try his chili even once?

[Sighs]

I don't want his chili!

Look, I don't get you, Judge.

You don't want something real with Gary.

You don't want something light and easy with a hero who makes chili for other heroes.

What do you want?

I don't want to answer all these questions.

[Sighs]

Tedward.

[Sighs]

Enjoy your muffin top.

I don't have a muffin top.

Actually, I do have a muffin top.

All right, anyone have anything they want to add before I pronounce sentence?

Tom.

You need to send a message, Your Honor.

Between the extra cops for traffic and security, plus added staff for this whole media circus, do you know how much these cases cost?

No, how much?

Hmm?

I-I don't... I don't know how much, but... but I know it is... I know it is a lot.

It is a really, really, really lot.

I'm done.

Thank you, Counselor.

I don't care how much it costs.

I am looking at a sad, lost girl, someone who is so terrified of being alone that she can't do anything without the paparazzi witnessing it.

So, Brianna, I am going to help you face your fears head-on.

I sentence you to be alone.

What?

Four weeks of community service at the Sister Mary perpetual sorrow convent and retreat deep in the Santa Inez mountains well out of cell phone reach.

[Scoffs]

Okay, I see the duck face.

I'm gonna spare you the fine this time, but you pull that crap with Sister Catherine, and she will slap the Restylane right out of those lips.

Brianna, look at this as an opportunity.

Get out of the city.

Clear out all the voices in your head and figure out who you are, what you really want.

That's good advice, Judge.

[Brass In Pocket by The Pretenders]

♪ Got brass ♪
♪ in pocket ♪
♪ got bottle ♪
♪ I'm gonna use it ♪

[Clatter]

♪ intention ♪

No, no, no, no, no.

Come on, baby. Aww, girl.

♪ Gonna make you, make you ♪

Okay, all right.

♪ Got motion ♪
♪ restrained emotion ♪

Come on, girl. Come on.

You can do it. Come on.

Ah! Ah!

♪ Detroit leaning ♪

[Engine bangs]

♪ no reason ♪
♪ just seems so pleasing ♪

♪ gonna make you, make you ♪

Damn.

♪ Make you notice ♪

All right.

♪ Gonna use my arms ♪
♪ gonna use my legs ♪
♪ gonna use my style ♪

Hey, it's me.

I have no one else to call.

[Serene music]

Gary, you were right.

Hey.

Tedward, thanks for coming.

Didn't want you to have to call 911 again.

At some point they put a block on you.

I'm sorry I snapped at you.

You're a great friend, and I'm lucky to have you.

You're the least dysfunctional relationship I have, Tedward.

I mean, the only one maybe. Only?

Anything for you, Judge.

Hmm.

So I brought you some coolant.

Thinking maybe she was just overheating.

Yeah, that's probably right.

You know, I get why Hernandez wants me to trade her in, but that van has memories, you know?

I campaigned for Hillary Clinton in that van...

Till she asked me to stop, which I respect.

I found out my first boyfriend cheated on me in that van, and then I took him to the hospital afterwards...

In that van?

In that van.

Wow.

The point is, the longest relationship I've ever had has been with that van.

You know, it's not just a ride to work for me.

You know, I'm sure if you explained to Judge Hernandez like that, there's no way...

[Horn honks]

[Crashing]

[expl*si*n]

Huh.

[Screams]

[Sobbing]

I don't think we gonna need this, so...

You know, Tedward, I don't think it's totaled.

No, it's defini... definitely not totaled.

And this is still good.

We can make that into a vest.

Oh, found a radio dial.

Radio kno... well, half... half of a radio knob.

No, no, no, that's how it was.

Oh!

Oh, we're winning this.

Look, this seat is completely intact.

Nice!

Tedward, I think we can put this thing back together, no problem.

No problem.

Yeah, I think this seat's still on fire.

Yeah, is that what's hot?

Yeah, yeah, it's getting a little...