01x02 - B is for Big Glory

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: After their first kiss, Andrew and Zelda spent all evening together, talking until the sun came up.

Talk later?

Mm-hmm.

Call me.

During the finest moments of his life, Andrew has a piece of music that he plays in his head. He calls it his "big glory" music. It's the end credits of his 12th-favorite TV show.

Goodbye, everybody.

See you next week on "This Week In Baseball."

[Mike Vickers' "Gathering Crowds" plays]

[Crowd cheering]

Zelda has no "big glory" music. Maybe because, in her experience, whenever she was happy, it didn't last.

Woman: We're starting over, Zelda. Philly was all wrong for us.

Narrator: But today, Zelda can't help it. She's feeling good.

What are you smiling at?

Well, uh, we were walking around last night, and we saw one of those racks of personalized license plates.

And I was complaining because they never have my name.

They never have. I've never seen it.

Yeah, yeah.

But, um, anyway, when Andrew wasn't looking, I bought him this.

[Gasps]

Andy?

Yeah. They were out of Andrew.

So I'm just gonna try Andy.

I thought, you know, as a nickname.

Like...

Oh, Z.

You are besotted, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

If that means happy, then I am.

And it does. I know that it does. Yeah.

Just everything is different with Andrew.

I can be honest with him.

There's no games, you know?

And he's very funny and intelligent and handsome.

She's... she's amazing.

I mean, she's... She's whip-smart, she's beautiful...

[Chuckles] I've been on a different plane since we met.

Wow. Wow.

Yeah.

Wow, buddy!

Congratulations, man!

Not like this. Okay. This...

[Grunts] Come on. We never do this.

We're never chest-to-chest anymore.

Oh, no.

What?

Oh. What's hot marketing girl trying to say?

Uh, "do you like tamales?"

"I'm so excited for tonight."

You can read lips. I completely forgot.

You forgot what?

We have a date.

[Laughing]

Narrator: Andrew and Zelda will date for eight months, two weeks, six days, and one hour.

This television program is the comprehensive account of their relationship...

From A to Z.

[Indistinct shouting]

[Grunts] Oh.

The thing is, Brooke just broke up with her boyfriend again, and she's pretty fragile.

Awesome.

I'm afraid if I cancel on her she might... Spiral.

So don't cancel. It's just dinner.

You don't understand.

I made the plans with Brooke before I met Zelda.

Oh, no. That's a dilemma.

I like Zelda, Stu.

Right.

Which is the exact reason why you should keep the date with Brooke.

Company meeting! Let's go.

Company meeting.

She wants me.

Everyone can... can head to the conference room.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Andrew.

You've been on one date with Zelda and you're ready to start acting exclusive?

I promise you she's not doing that.

How could you know that?

I know she's not a crazy person who sits around writing "Zeldrew" on a piece of paper.

It's our celebrity super-couple name.

You've got to be cool, buddy.

If you go up to Zelda and you're all like, "hey, I want to be exclusive," her legs are gonna close up tighter than that drawer you keep locked in your dresser.

And what do you even have in there?

My passport. Stay out of my room.

Passport?

Yeah.

All I know is, is at the beginning of a relationship, if it becomes clear that one person likes the other one a heck of a lot more, that person is doomed.

Lora: That's totally true.

He got himself a tattoo of my social-security number in binary code... At week three.

I dumped his ass that day.

I don't need coffee.

Me either.

Don't go. Just... okay.

I'll keep the stupid date with Brooke, but I have to tell Zelda about it.

Oh, you got to tell Zelda about it.

Okay.

Absolutely.

So you can appear, like, super weak and needy.

It's awesome.

Lydia: There comes a time in every organization when the employees are forced to eat their own dog food.

For wallflower, that time is now and that dog food is our new dating app.

You all will be beta-testing the new product.

All right.

Lydia? Lydia, excuse me. Hi.

Uh, as head of H.R., I just have to say that any exercise that promotes interoffice relationships is probably a bad idea.

I told you I was doing it, Howard.

What did you think I meant?

You didn't actually eat dog food, did you?

No.

They're not asking each other out for real.

This is just a simulation, like w*r games.

Okay, but, uh, in that movie, the game actually nearly started a nuclear w*r.

There was a movie about them?

Yes. It was... It was called "Wargames."

Don't worry, Howard.

$20 says this test will be a success.

Okay. That's a $5, so...

I'm good for the rest.

Right. Right. It just...

It seems like if you're gonna bet $20, maybe just...

You can just e-mail me.

E-mail you money? I don't...

Oh, forget it.

Okay. See you later. Um, have a good day.

[Cellphone vibrates]

Hi, Andy.

Andrew: Hi.

Oh, there you are. So, two things.

One, I am sending something over to your office, so be prepared for that.

Zelda: Aw, thank you.

And, uh, two, s-something came up this morning, and I figured telling you was the right thing to do.

Okay.

So, uh, a couple weeks ago, I was talking with this girl, Brooke, uh, who's in marketing with me here, and, uh, we were talking about tamales.

And she had said that there's this new place that has really great tamales, and said Brooke...

That's the marketing girl again...

Andrew, are you trying to tell me that you have dinner plans?

Because if that's the case, that's totally fine.

We've been on one date.

Well, yeah, but that was a little more than a date.

[Chuckles]

But, uh, full disclosure, I actually am supposed to go out with someone tonight, too.

Oh.

Great.

But I really appreciate you telling me, though.

Sure. Yeah. No. So, it's...

So, uh, I guess we'll just...

Talk later?

S-sure.

Okay.

Stephie: So, there is nobody that you're going to have dinner with tonight, is there?

No.

[Grunts]

[License plate clangs]

Game on.

[App chimes]

Howard: Oh, boy.

This app is a lot like Tinder.

No. It is not like Tinder.

They swipe. We tap.

You see a person you like, you "tap that."

Hugely different, yeah.

Yes, it is.

She's going on a date with someone else.

It's not right.

That's kind of a double standard, isn't it?

Hey, you played it cool. That's the way to do it.

You know Nancy?

The receptionist?

Hey, what's up? She's cute, right?

She tapped me this morning, and I was intrigued.

But then she tapped me again, and I lost interest.

Yeah. Human nature.

So, who's this guy Zelda's going out with?

Who is this girl Andrew's going out with?

Okay. Brooke Cavanaugh.

She is 26, she's from Orange County, she teaches S.A.T. prep part time and was a finalist in The New Yorker caption contest.

Basically, she's a whore.

I broke my own rule.

I let myself be comfortable.

Big mistake.

Because you do that and next thing you know, you're in the back seat of your mom's car halfway to schenectady.

[Laughs]

Do you think I did the wrong thing?

Lying about having a date?

Oh, no, but if I were you, I would cover my bases and get an actual date.

By tonight?

[Gasps] What a... what about Mike?

He's always fancied you.

Vanity rep Mike?

Yeah.

98... 99...

Vanity reps.

When guys do push-ups and stuff before a meeting to look pumped.

Whoo!

You have to admit, he is a fit bastard.

Let's arbitrate! Whoo!

[Groans]

Brooke: So, my ex, Lonnie, is a chef. [Scoffs]

I say chef, but he worked at a fondue place and he was a chopper.

Oh.

He literally just cut things up for other people to put in cheese, so there was...

Narrator: Four days ago, Andrew downloaded Waze, the traffic app.

When he did so, it asked permission to search his contacts for fellow Wazers.

Zelda was one.

But he would bring home the apron and the hat, which was great, 'cause...

Hey, uh, wh-what have you heard of that new place on col-Colorado and 26th?

Ooh, Bridge & Chimney?

Yeah.

Yeah, is that... That's... ?

Oh, that place is awesome.

Awesome!

Mm-hmm.

Romantic awesome or... ?

Stu: Yes.

Gentle, gentle art of Sushi making.

Mm, mm. Oh, oh, oh.

[Cellphone chimes]

Bridge & Chimney.

And so, at home, he was like, "call me chef, 'cause they won't at work."

So I did at home. I was like, "clean that up, chef!"

"Stop yelling, chef!"

[Cellphone rings]

Uh... Sorry.

Work.

Oh, go for it.

Go.

The vibe of the Bridge & Chimney is sophisticated but not romantic.

And I am loving these cocktails.

Wait. Are you there?

Don't worry.

This whole place is filled with guys with beards.

I blend in. Mmm.

Ooh, ooh. Stu...

I'm getting, like, a muddled ginger in this.

It's incredible.

Mmm. We don't muddle enough stuff.

Stu, Stu, you cannot be there.

If she... wait. What, um...

What does her date look like?

Well, he's got a big ol' penis.

Forget I asked.

And that's not just 'cause of his hands.

I went to the John, and I saw it myself.

Stu, can you...

He's got a Gandalf's wand down there.

Stu, you've got...

Seriously.

He should have, like, a nickname for it.

Like Tutankhamun, the Boy King.

If I had that penis, I'd be president.

[Laughs]

Okay, Stu, that's enough. That's enough.

The... the whole time I was in the bathroom, this guy was staring at my crotch.

[Chuckles] I'm like, "hey, dude."

Like, "what are you doing?" Right? Like, know what I mean?

[Cellphone buzzes] Sorry. It's work.

Oh, sure.

Sorry.

Hello?

Okay, so, his little tart just did a yelp check-in at this French place on Highland.

Stephie, I thought you were working on that brief tonight?

Oh, my God.

This girl writes a review about everything.

Okay, so, bank of America on Wilshire...

Stephie. Stephie. Stephie.

"... good branch, nice tellers."

[Scoffs] I mean, she's clearly psychotic.

Andrew can do whatever he wants, okay?

I am out on my own thing.

I-I don't need to app-stalk him.

But, uh, you know, keep me updated.

You can't be there.

If she sees you there, you're gonna...

Stu: Wait. Shut your mouth.

Shut up. Wait. Wait. They're paying.

Really? At 8:15?

She looks unhappy. Yep.

Okay. They're... they're leaving.

Ha ha!

Yeah, no physical contact.

This dinner is a bust.

The dinner is a bust.

[Laughs]

It is?

Because I don't know what the rules are, you know?

All I know is I want to be with Zelda.

But at the same time, Zelda and I just met like a week ago, so...

Of course. And you don't want to scare her off.

I'm impressed.

Look, the truth is, the only reason I wanted to go on this date was to make my boyfriend, Lonnie, jealous.

Ah.

[Chuckles]

Oh.

You should go to Zelda.

Really?

Yeah.

Uh, you should go now.

Now.

Oh. Oh.

Thank you for the... Yeah.

Faster than that.

Bubble, bubble, bubble. Bubble, bubble, bubble.

[Cellphone rings]

Hello?

You call yourself a programmer?

Well, yeah.

The app is broken.

Wait, in what way?

I've gotten zero taps.

Clearly there is some sort of coding error, because I should be gagging on requests by now.

I want this fixed by tomorrow, Dinesh, or you are out of a job. But I...

[Receiver clicks]

[Sighs]

[Gulps]

[App chimes]

[Mike Vickers' "Gathering Crowds" plays]

Hey, what's up, guy?

Looking for Zelda?

She's just freshening up.

Uh, no.

I just... I think I have the wrong address, so...

Cool. See ya.

Hey. Who was that?

Mike: Wrong address.

Let me show you a diamond push up.

Can't believe it.

Stu: Yeah.

It was a bad move going to her apartment like that.

I only did it because you said the date was a bust.

I was drunk.

And speaking of, I tapped Nancy like 25 times last night, and now she won't talk to me.

She's beautiful.

I got nothing now. I got nothing.

No traction, no nothing.

What happened to playing it cool?

I'm not a role model.

Oh, my God. Zelda and that guy.

Do you think that they...

Yeah. That she...

Yep.

All over the house.

Oh, no! Of course not.

Vanity rep Mike and I have nothing in common.

So why invite him back?

He's buying a condo and he needed some documents notarized and I am a notary, and so he came in...

And the A/C just blew his shirt off. I got it.

No, he had done so many push-ups against our kitchen door that he sweated through his Oxford.

Oh.

And then poor Andrew showed up and I...

Poor Andrew had a date himself. He's fine.

It hurts. I'm in physical pain.

Come on, buddy. Just put it behind you.

It's gonna take a long time, though.

Lydia: Dinesh, my office.

Congratulate your team, Dinesh.

The bug seems to have been fixed.

Glad to help, ma'am.

One more thing.

About your tap.

You know that this can never happen.

Right, Howard?

Well, legally speaking, any relationship...

I wasn't talking... [Chuckles]

I mean, I get it.

I'm a powerful and attractive woman whose ass cashes the checks her mouth writes.

But you never know.

I could be one of those pretty, popular girls in the movies who wakes up and falls for the tuba player.

Or maybe you'll become an Internet billionaire at the precise moment I'm having a career dip.

My point is, don't give up.

Um... Sure.

Thank you.

Of course, Dinesh.

Leave my office now, please.

Lydia, isn't it possible that he was just tapping you to show you...

There's nothing sadder than unrequited love, right, Howard?

Right.

I love you.

Ooh.

Where you going?

Where are you going?

I'm meeting Andrew for a coffee.

I'm meeting Zelda for coffee.

Cool. Do yourself a favor...

Don't talk about your date.

Why?

It's a bad idea.

I want to tell him what happened.

I want to know what happened.

Well, you can't do that.

Why?

She already has all the power...

And you'd just be giving him your power if you gave him the details of your date.

And you're just gonna be giving her more power by begging for details.

So, please, for the love of God...

For the love of God, be cool...

Be cool and don't ask about her date.

And don't talk about your date.

And get me some fish tacos.

Hi.

And hi, you.

Narrator: For 18 minutes, they small-talk, discussing the most inane crap you can imagine.

I bought an electric toothbrush.

Does it work better than a regular toothbrush?

I haven't tried it yet.

Oh, I see.

Pbht, pbht-pbht!

It's so... Dry...

I notarized him.

That's it. [Sighs] That's it. That's all.

Nothing... Happened.

Re... okay.

Yeah, nothing happened.

Me too. Nothing...

Oh, my God.

Nothing happened.

Okay.

Nothing.

[Both laugh]

The truth finally came out.

And the whole time, Andrew had managed to be cool until...

I've been walking around with music in my head since the moment we met.

And it's not just any music.

It's the old end credits to "This Week In Baseball," which only pops into my head when something truly incredible and life-altering happens.

That's how much I like you.

[Giggles]

That's sweet.

Thank you.

My pleasure.

She just looked at me with pity and said, "that's sweet."

Brutal.

I... What can I do to fix this?

Well, the balance of power is tipped pretty favorably towards her.

You're gonna need to make, like, a bold move to tip it back.

Something clever, you know?

She got, like, a sister you could nail?

Or Nana?

[Sighs]

"That's sweet"?

That's it? That's all you said to him?

Yeah.

[Gasps] God, even I feel emasculated.

Zelda, ugh.

Oh, come on.

What else was I supposed to say?

He puts me through the wringer the past few days and suddenly I'm supposed to turn on a dime and open my heart to him?

Uh, excuse me, but don't you feel exactly the same way?

I don't know.

I don't know. I thought I did.

And then he called me up and told me he was taking out Brooke from marketing.

Right. Oh, right. No, now I get it.

He started it.

Thought you were on my side.

Oh, I am on your side.

Wait, when did this get here?

I don't know.

Today. Yesterday, maybe.

[Laughs]

Howard: Lydia?

What are you watching?

"Wargames."

This movie is hilarious.

I think you better come see this.

[Crying]

She found out that Cole from accounting had been tapping Kendra from retention.

And where are they?

Shutters.

The hotel?

Oh, yeah.

There's been a lot of offline tapping since the beta-testing program started.

Excuse me very much!

See? I told you.

It's dozens of potential lawsuits.

You need to shut this down right now.

Yes, I do.

This app will do well for us, Howard.

This app will do very well indeed.

[Chuckles]

All right!

Nancy: Hey, lady, wait. You can't go in there.

Stop.

[Sighs]

Zup.

When did you make this?

That morning.

I love it.

And what you said earlier?

Please keep saying things like that.

Okay.

But no more games.

Done.

Great. Good.

And I don't wanna see other people.

I don't either.

Great.

Talk later?

Maybe more than talk.

At this moment, a song pops into Zelda's head.

She wouldn't call it this, but, from now on, it will be her "big glory" song.

Strange game.

The only winning move is not to play.

Tonight, how about a nice game of chess?

Think I have plans.