01x03 - C Is For Curiouser & Curiouser

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Andrew and Zelda, like a lot of new couples, spent much of their time arm in arm.

To the point that Zelda's friend Stephie compared them to a pair of figure skaters.

[Cheers and applause]

[All shout in Russian]

Well, thank you. That was a real crowd pleaser.

Yeah, we even got high marks from the Russians.

Yeah. Hi.

Hey.

And despite just having met, both felt as if they truly knew each other.

Andrew, Andrew, so, I think your matching app is a bit of a disaster, hon, because the kind of men that are coming through for me, from Wallflower...

Ugh.

Aah!

Scary-looking...

Works in a prison...

Lives in a prison...

Oh.

And Channing Tatum, if Channing Tatum was smashed in the face.

Oh, you know what?

I should set you up with this guy on my softball team, Calvin, who's a really awesome guy.

Yes, and he's super cute.

He...

But he's not as cute as you. Nope.

Great. What's his last name?

Myerson. Myerson.

What are you...

I-it's Lulu.

Ex-boyfriend review app.

A lot of people start with Google, but I like to lead with Lulu.

Why lead with anything? Why not just meet him?

[Laughs]
Yeah, right.

Why don't I just roofie myself while I'm at it?

Who meets without getting someone's information first?

Us [Chuckles] for starters.

That's cute.

You know, I would never say this at work, but there is research that suggests that knowing too much about someone up front is actually a bad thing.

Yeah.

Why don't you just, like, embrace the mystery and just, you know, try something different?

Let me think about it. Leave it with me.

But I will remind the group that the last person I dated without vetting them was that.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I thought that Thursday nights were for Stephie and Fridays were for st...

Right? Yeah?

They are. They are.

He must've gotten them mixed up.

Narrator: This was an issue because the last time they were together, Stephie discovered Stu had lied to her about being a famous jazz trumpeter named Scatman des Moines just to sleep with her.

[Scatting]

Maybe they're over it.

Scatman is in the house!

[Scatting]

I love that we're at a point where I can make that joke.

Thank you.

[Gasps]

Hmm.

Was that the white scrimshaw ale?

Mmm. That's really lovely.

Waitress, excuse me.

Can I get a glass of this for my mouth?

Thank you so much.

[Slurps] Mmm.

Narrator: Andrew and Zelda will date for eight months, three weeks, five days, and one hour.

This television program is the comprehensive account of their relationship...

From a to Z.

It's just, this whole thing with you and Stephie is starting to create some issues for Zelda and I.

Especially now that we're, you know, getting serious.

So how are you guys gonna break up?

Stu, I'm begging you.

Bury the hatchet.

Hello, boys. Fun night, huh?

Tell that girl who threw a beer on you that she owes me a new sweater.

Narrator: After realizing that their boss had been sitting three feet away the night before, Andrew and Stu racked their brains for everything incriminating they could have said.

I think I found a way around our p*rn block.

I spend half the day looking out the window at Zelda.

I take home coffee every day.

When I say I have a marketing meeting, I'm napping in my car.

I deuce in the executive bathroom exclusively.

We are so expensing this.

Our boss is a total bitch.

To their surprise, it was none of these things.

You believe meeting "in the wild" is preferable to online dating?

Uh, no. Uh, Lydia...

Have a little pride in what you do.

Okay.

You got caught.

And you, you're gonna find out just what a "bitch" I can be.

I didn't use air quotes.

I don't know that that's the point.

Last night exposed me to a harsh truth, Howard.

They talk about me behind my back.

You guys went out without me?

I wonder what else they're saying...

Too bad it isn't legal to read their IMs.

Well, technically, Wallflower owns all these computers, so you're entitled to any information on them.

Dear God, what did I do?

How do I bury the hatchet with Stephie?

What do women want?

Boats, Benedict Cumberbatch, gold.

Just apologize.

Books with sexually suggestive covers.

I activated their computers' cameras and Mikes.

What about the bathroom?

No.

This will do nicely.

Stu: Chubby, approachable dudes with beards.

Howard, Howard, so, she has full access to all company-owned computers?

I'm afraid so.

Better wipe our footprint.

Pardon me.

Zelda: Stephie?

Hi.

Hi.

Okay, I caved.

What are you talking about?

Well, I was taking your advice and didn't Lulu Calvin... you know, Andrew's friend.

Oh, yeah. I know.

And then I decided, no, I'm going to do just the tiniest of Google searches.

And then 2 1/2 hours later, I'm...

Yeah, you went down the rabbit hole.

Yeah, and, my God, I'm glad I did because Calvin Myerson is 26 years old and been married twice.

What?

And this is his second wife.

She's... oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm shutting this down.

You need some fresh air, get some sunlight, you know.

You're right.

But it just goes to show that you don't know anybody until you start digging around on the Internet.

Andrew: Do you think that couple has always not talked?

Or have they just been together so long they've run out of things to say to each other, which makes less sense to me because I'm sure if we're together in 30 years I'll still be gabbing on, as evidenced by this rambling monologue which I will now wrap up.

Did I ever tell you about the time I was ticketed for jaywalking?

No, but I'd love to hear about it.

I was in Pasadena and I was crossing the street and I got... I got a ticket.

Mm-hmm.

Do you have any funny "I had a run-in with the cops" stories?

None as hilarious as that.

What about ones that aren't as hilarious as that?

No.

Yeah?

So you don't think this is worth mentioning?

Officers, this is a big misunderstanding.

What did... is that me?

Yeah.

That wasn't intentional.

No, no, no! Okay!

How did you... were you gonna tell me about your inner demons, or was I gonna find out when you cut my air-hose supply in a supposed diving accident on our honeymoon?

You think we're gonna get married?

Okay, okay.

Ten years ago I drove to Oakland to see my chargers play, and when I walked out of the stadium, these two raiders fans were dumping mustard on the hood of my white jetta.

So I complained to the cops, also raiders fans, it turns out, because the second I started, they cuffed me, booked me, and dumped out all of my zima, which was like a case.

You went to a raiders game with a case of zima in the trunk of your white jetta?

I'm a little unclear what your issue is right now.

You lied to me.

I just didn't tell you yet.

No, a lie of omission is still a lie.

I'm sorry I didn't lead with my arrest record a week into dating.

How did you see that, by the way?

Dash-cam videos are nonpublic records.

I called a man that our firm employs when I came across your... whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Came across"?

Yeah.

You have to pay for those.

Wow. You... you really... no, I did not go down the rabbit hole.

Well, it sure seems like it.

No, I didn't.

I was surfing.

What happened to just having a little mystery?

Oh, God, you're right.

I'm... yeah.

You're totally right.

Yeah. So...?

We're good.

We're good.

They're doomed.

Woman: [Laughs]

Good.

[Glasses clink]

Hey, Andrew.

Hey, Andrew.

Morning.

Is everything okay with you and Zelda?

Yeah, we saw you walking back from lunch and you weren't attached at the hip.

Which is the true indication of a happy couple.

We're fine.

We're just, uh... we're just a little off since she found this obscure video.

Ah, the arrest video.

En your girly car got covered in mustard.

[Laughs]

How did you... oh, right, you're computer geniuses with too much time on your hands.

But our work is always a priority.

Because we love our jobs and our boss is a great leader.

I like those two.

Lydia, I'm concerned.

Your quest to find out if people are saying something bad about you can only lead to pain.

My mother used to say,

"pain is just weakness leaving the body."

I'm sorry to hear that.

You know, I thought I knew Zelda.

I guess I'm just, uh, a little surprised that she went digging up dirt on me.

That's all.

Sounds like classic projection.

Yeah, she was looking you up because she's obviously hiding something herself.

I don't think she's hiding anything, okay?

I mean, there's obviously no way to know f... what are you... didn't Zelda fill out that detailed questionnaire when she joined Wallflower?

Yeah, but she's not a member anymore.

Oh, I lost my keys.

Why... do you think we still have it?

[Laughs]
Do we still have it?

Still looking for my keys.

Losing his keys is no reflection on his typically excellent job performance.

There we go. I found them.

Who were you talking to?

Here you go.

Guys, honestly, I'm fine.

Thank you, but no thank you.

Fine.

Mm.

We'll just leave it here in case you change your mind.

Well, I promise you I won't.

We love our jobs.

[Sighs]

Narrator: Meanwhile, Stephie's quest for Mr. Right continued.

Stephie: w*nk*r...

w*nk*r...

Oh! Actual w*nk*r.

Narrator: And then...

Stephie: Well, hello, Dean.

Hey, look... smart...

Narrator: He was a fan of English premier league soccer, spent a semester at sea, and made respectable money, but not enough to make him a douche.

Stepe: Yes, I do want to meet you, Dean C.

Stu: Excuse me, baristo. Would you mind turning on the match? Liverpool and Chelsea have a friendly today.

We're outside. There are no TVs.

Ah, yes, no TVs. Reminds me of my semester at sea.

You're Dean?

I'm sorry.

Am I sorry?

Yes, I'm sorry.

I-I catfished you here to prove that I'm not a deceptive idiot?

I'm leaving.

Look, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I can help you find a guy.

[Scoffs] Really?

Yeah.

And how on earth do you propose on doing that?

I see all of the data of what men prefer in women.

Let me just play around with your Wallflower profile.

What's wrong with my Wallflower profile?

Just... let me show you.

So, first off, men prefer women who like to have fun, so instead of "enjoying curling up with a book," you "love to dance."

Instead of this picture of you with a diploma, we get this picture of you here getting your Margarita on.

And finally, we're gonna have to take your annual salary, like, down a peg because data shows that men find that to be intimidating.

Well, your data sounds very sexist.

Do you want to die alone?

Sweet. This baby is ready to ship.

Blam! It is raining handsome.

Yeah, what do you think of that?

No.

No, I will not crawl into the gutter with you.

[British accent]

The "gutter"?

Yes, the gutter.

Because what you are calling "tweaks" are actually lies.

Mm-hmm.

And unlike you, I am not going to lie in the interest of attaining a member of the opposite sex.

[Normal voice] What about the same sex?

I knew it was coming. You have a tell.

Hello. I brought some wine.

Hi.

Uh, listen, I know that things, they've been a little awkward since dinner.

And I just want to be the first to say that even though we were both wrong, I was maybe a little wronger... wronger-er.

I mean, "more wrong."
Oh, sorry, very flustered.

I know... you brought me a bottle of soy sauce.

Yeah, let's cr*ck it open. It's low sodium.

Anyway, it's one thing to do a little online due diligence, but what I did was just... it was such a gross violation of your privacy and of our trust, and I'm so sorry.

Luckily you have more restraint than I do.

Right. Yeah. Luckily.

Yeah.

I read your Wallflower profile.

What?

I thought you were... you were digging into my past because you yourself had something to hide.

But the only damning thing I could find about you is that you once ate a cupcake out of the garbage, which, honestly, makes me like you more.

Andrew... I'm so sorry.

I'm really, really sorry. It was stupid.

It was immature, not to mention a waste of my time.

I was married!

Oh.

Uh. That's a little blip.

[Chuckles]

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

You dug up something behind my back and then... and then held it over my head, all the while sitting on the fact that you were married!

Okay. Gustav and I...

Gustav?

You married a power lifter?

What?

No, he was a friend of mine from law school at so.

And we got married so he wouldn't have to go back to Sweden when his student visa was up and so that the could practice law here.

The day that he got his citizenship, we got a divorce.

End of story.

Okay, I'm cool with it.

Let's watch TV.

Okay.

Really?

Of course not!

I still have lots of questions!

Okay. Go.

He was just a friend?

Yes. Strictly platonic. What else?

Actually, that's all I can think of.

I will answer anything.

It just feels so good to get this off my chest.

From now on, can we just... can we make a pact to be less suspicious of each other?

Okay?

Deal?

Deal.

Damn.

Big bird?

They call me "big bird"?!

I believe in working hard, but playing hard, really, too,
'cause I'm a lot of fun.

I love my downtime.

Hey, Stephie.

Not now, Stu, please.

This will just take a minute.

I just want to apologize for... do I know you?

I do know him.

Listen, I have to run.

But I'll see you Friday for dancing and margaritas.

Stephie: Thank you.

That's her favorite stuff.

You're getting in there, buddy.

Look how tall he is.

Welcome to the gutter, my lady.

Andrew: There you are, Gustav.

[Cellphone rings]

Hello?

Zelda: Hey, I haven't heard from you yet today.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I'm just, uh... I'm out doing some research.

Can we... can we talk later?

Uh, sure, just call me in an hour.

I'm, uh, I'm just stepping into a lunch.

[Pulsating tone]

Zelda: You look so good.

You look amazing.

[Laughs] Thank you.

So amazing.

Thank you.

Oh, I got you something.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Come on.

Thank you so much.

Woman: Gustav!

Zelda, meet my fiancée.

Lovely to meet you.

Very nice to meet you.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to stand up, please.

I'm just gonna be a couple more minutes.

Oh, my goodness.

Gustav, well done.

Sir, could you please step on the curb?

Sir, if I could get you to just lower your voice, actually.

Sir, stand up.

Okay, guys, this... this is... this is a misunderstanding.

My new girlfriend... well, she's not my girlfriend per se.

We've only been together a week.

Okay, you know what?

Come on.

Okay. All right.

When do we get to meet your new boyfriend, huh?

Well, um...

Uh...Oh!

She doesn't see us, does she?

Stu: So, you got any marshmallows that we can roast on your pants that are on fire, you liar!

I never lied.

But you definitely pretended to be all high and moralistic when the truth is...

We're cut from the same cloth.

Oh, please.

The similarities between you and I end at us having the same size boobs.

It all feels the same in the dark.

I never asked you to help me.

I didn't want to give it.

But Andrew said that if we don't patch things up, we're just making things hard for him and Zelda.

Hard? How?

We're their best friends and they want us to all, like, hang out or something, or go to, like, fondue parties together.

Okay.

I mean, I guess if we were true friends, then, yeah, we'd figure out a way to bury the hatchet.

Yeah. Yeah. I can't see it.

But I would rather cut myself and bleed out slowly on a...Floor of a dirty public loo.

What's going on inside you?

They call me big bird!

I told you that trolling and spying and trying to find out what people were saying about you was a bad idea.

Why do they call me this?

Is it my arms?

Are they birdlike?

I don't think so.

Maybe it's that yellow canary pants suit that you sometimes wear.

Why does it have to be "Sesame Street"? It's weak.

Well, at least it's not just any bird.

It's big bird.

And he pulls some weight on that street.

And he's rich.

Is he?

Well, it's never said explicitly, but he lives in Manhattan.

You know, connect the dots.

I mean, if you start to think about it, I mean, he's a majestic, big bird.

He's a bird without equal.

Ca-caw!

Ca-caw!

I'm big bird, motherf...

[horn blares]

You're free to go. Thank your girlfriend.

Sorry. Thank you so much.

Yeah.

[Clears throat] Good rest of your evening, officers.

Okay.

Okay, so...

Uh, I'm sorry for not telling you about Gustav.

I saw him at the courthouse, and he was like [foreign accent] "I want you to come meet my new fiancée."

Oh, that's a Swedish accent?

Yeah.

What did you say to the cops?

Oh, I just called in a favor.

I think we both know that you wouldn't do well in jail.

I c... can't believe that you would do that after I acted like this psycho you suspected that I would be.

Come on.

Andrew, I know who you really are.

Do you?

I know you tip waiters well even if they're terrible.

I know you call your dad every day.

One thing I know about you...

Oh, here we go.

You're a good friend, as evidenced by the fact that you married Gustav.

Uh, yeah, about that.

[Laughs]

I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you.

I think I was scared because I know how seriously you take marriage.

Well, maybe a little too seriously.

Um...

I mean, after all, it is just a legal document, right?

I don't know.

That's how I saw it for most of my life, but I think that's because I was around bad ones.

I'm less cynical nowadays.

Any particular reason?

Uh...I don't know.

Another thing I know about you is that you hate being put on the spot.

So, I'm sorry.

How about we go to... there's a cof...

[indistinct conversations]

Oh, I hope it's okay.

I, uh, texted Stephie that we'd be here.

I did the same thing with Stu...

What?

Stephie: Hey, Zelda!

Hey, guys. We got some seats.

Come grab a seat. Pull up a chair.

Holy crap.

I know, right?

This is k*lling me.

I hope it does.

I really do.

That's nice.

Narrator: Pretending to be friends to help their friends.

This was one of the few lies Stu and Stephie were both comfortable making.