01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Good morning!

I'll take your word for it.

Why so fancy?

I told you, ma. I got the interview for the internship today.

Ah, yes.

A job where you work very hard and make no money.

It's what I dreamed of for you when I came to this country.

We know what you dreamed of for us. Remember?

Oh, when she'd take us to the nice neighborhood... Point to the biggest house... And say, "you're American. You work hard, you make something of yourself, and one day... You can clean that house. You can clean that house."

I was wrong.

That was way too much house for either one of you.

Ah, my beautiful wife. Mm.

[Chuckles]

Her beautiful mother.

And... Cristela.

You look very nice, Cris.

Thank you, Daniela.

I bought a digital scale. I've lost four ounces.

I never weigh myself.

Yeah, skinny people don't have to.

You just look in the mirror and say, "hey, not fat."

We're going!

Morning, guys.

Morning, Izzy. Morning, Henry.

Mom, today's the last day of soccer registrations.

Sweetie, we talked about this. Remember?

You're so excited to be a cheerleader... yay!

Cristela says cheerleaders are bimbos.

I was a cheerleader.

[Laughs]

And you were a good one.

[Clicks tongue]

Kick butt at soccer.

Aunt Cris, are you gonna live with us forever?

No, just until I finish school, pay off my student loans, get a job, and I can afford my own place.

She's never gonna leave.

Izzy: Yay!

All right, go. Yore gonna be late. Hurry up.

Daniela: Hurry up! Don't miss your bus!

Izzy, I'll see you after practice.

Okay. Bye.

Bye. Love you guys.

I can't believe it.

Today, my little girl's gonna be a cheerleader.

Ah, yes.

The great Texas tradition where girls learn they're not quite as important as boys.

Hush. Izzy's gonna be a great pop Warner cheerleader.

And then she's gonna make varsity as a freshman, and then who knows?

Maybe... Dallas cowboys cheerleader.

Women should cheer for men.

Wow, Felix. Way to be regressive.

[Chanting]

Be regressive, b-e regressive!

B-e-r, r-e-g-r-i-s-s-i-v-e...

ay, that's a long word.

I bet I could still fit into my old cheerleader uniform.

How come we're not playing that game anymore?

Callate, Felix. My mom is right there.

I didn't have cheerleading as a kid.

Oh.

Ay.

Oh, God.

We had fun games like, uh, getting water from the well and digging the well.

That's why I never complain, no matter how hard law school gets.

You complain constantly.

Ay, it's really hard.

Law school. Student loans.

You are wasting the best years of your life.

These are the best years of my life?

Ooh, now I'm depressed.

Cristela, how are you ever going to marry a nice man like Felix?

Which one is it, ma?

Marry a nice man or someone like Felix?

If you were my wife, I would put poison in your coffee.

[Chuckles]

If you were my husband, I'd drink it.

Daniela: Cris, listen.

We're hiring. You're bilingual.

You can start at $12.50 an hour.

Mom's bilingual. Hire her.

[Scoffs]

I'd love to see that one.

Oh.

[As Natalia]

"Hello? Ay, you want H-Bo? In my village, we didn't even have television."

Ha ha ha!

We didn't.

[As Natalia] "We had fun things like milking the cow and k*lling the cow."

[Smooches]

[Normal voice] Ma, if I get this internship, there's a good chance I could get a job at the firm after I graduate.

Somebody could have become a doctor two times in the time it's taken you to not become a lawyer.

That's because other students don't have to keep dropping out to take care of their mother.

I wouldn't have been in the hospital if you weren't breaking my heart.

[Laughs]

Wow.

That is so catholic that even the pope

would be like, "Calmate, too heavy."

[giggles]

Oh, you're still my little cheerleader.

Ugh, get a room.

No, you get a room. These are all my rooms.

Tell you what, Felix.

If I don't get this internship, I'll get a job at the call center and get my own room.

Internship.

And what kind of an idiot does free work?

Have you been paid for the convenience store yet?

You installed that floor months ago.

I called the guy three times.

Ooh, you called the guy three times.

Well, you've done all you could.

[Knocking to the b*at of "shave and a haircut"]

Oh, Alberto.

[Laughs]

¿Qué pasa, primo?

[Speaks Spanish]

Hey. ¿qué pasa, family?

Nada. ¿qué tal?

You're his family, not ours.

I get it, we're not related.

This could totally happen. I'm just saying.

[Chuckles]

It's not happening.

It's embarrassing how much you want me.

This is embarrassing.

This is on sale.

Come on, Alberto. You were late.

Ah, perdón, primo. El tráfico estaba cabrón, man.

See? If Alberto had Cristela's room, he wouldn't be late.

Not a chance.

Hey, I got a great idea. How about we share your room?

[Scoffs]

Yeah.

Kind of saving myself for Tony Romo.

If his marriage ever goes south, I need to be there for him.

Whoo! Look at you!

Have you lost weight?

Okay, point for Alberto.

[Chuckles]

Aah-ha, ha ha!

[Laughs]

Nice try.

You know, you got to stop sending me these mixed messages.

"I don't like you" and "go away" are not mixed messages.

I don't like you.

Go away.

He likes me.

Wow. She's pretty.

Her? I... I guess. If that's your type.

That's everyone's type.

When a guy says that he doesn't know his type, sees her, they yell, "found it!"

Uh, I'm Josh.

Cristela.

Nice tie.

Oh. Oh, this?

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

Thanks. Thank you.

My mom bought it for me specifically for this interview.

My mom gave me a lecture on how I'm throwing my life away specifically for this interview.

You know, I... I'm lucky.

I mean, I don't think anyone's parents could be as supportive as mine.

[Chuckles]

Oh, I'm gonna be an awesome intern.

You're the best, daddy.

Except maybe hers.

I won't disappoint you.

Ah.

Maybe she won't. First time for everything.

Oh, could I toss this in before you empty that?

Is this really happening?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I am so sorry.

Obviously, you're not the cleaning Crew.

Can you validate me?

I think you've been validated enough.

[Laughs]

Did she leave?

Oh, wait.

I think she's coming back to ask you for a bag of oranges.

Well, in her defense, she promoted me from janitor to receptionist in less than 10 seconds, so...

Congrats.

Mm-hmm.

I like the way you look at the world.

Would it have k*lled you to leave off the "at the world" part?

Oh, uh, sure. I like the way you look.

I'm so sorry I made you do that.

Is it weird now?

Oh, yeah.

I met your daughter.

Well, the world needs terrible lawyers, too.

I was not aware of that. You see?

I'm already learning so much here.

Uh-huh. And why do you want to be a lawyer?

I just love that in the eyes of the law, everyone is equal, from the lowest working person to the richest titan of industry.

You've been misled.

Uh, you must love law school, though, huh?

You've been in there for six years.

Paying my own way.

And you kept all these jobs while you were in law school?

Yep.

Couple stops and starts, but I'm not giving up.

Well, they say when a person's drowning, the third time he goes under, it's for good.

I never learned to swim.

So for me it'd be like, first time, ploop, dead.

Can't swim? Mnh-mnh?

How did you get to Texas?

[Laughs loudly]

[Spanish accent] Órale, Mija, just having a little humor, ¿Tu sabes?

Solid stuff.

I'm American, born in Dallas.

Go cowboys!

[Normal voice] Mm.

$67 million for Tony Romo?

Boy, I'd like to slap a class-action lawsuit on that guy, all the heartbreak he's caused in this town.

Really? You think Romo's the problem?

What about the old buffoon that owns the team?

Mm, it's kind of hard to stay mad at Jerry.

Why? 'Cause he's a geriatric with dementia?

[Chuckles]

Because he's a client and a dear friend.

[Spanish accent] Well, let me finish!

[Laughs]

[Cellphone vibrates]

[Normal voice] Mr. Jones did win three titles... yeah, I... I... I'm gonna have to take this.

Yeah?

Oh, really?

You can tell that piece of crap I'm gonna put him on the stand and I am gonna pry his mouth open and abuse him like a public toilet in cottonwood park on the fourth of July!

Where were we?

Before the whole cottonwood-toilet thing?

Oh. Oh, that's just lawyering.

So, any message you want sent to this, uh, demented geriatric who owns the cowboys?

Tell him I'm looking forward to working with him!

Hey, there she is!

Hey, Cristela, come sit next to me and watch "Sportscenter."

Wow, you've done the impossible... made me not want to watch "Sportscenter."

So?

[Sighs]

How did it go?

Well, I forced a guy to tell me I was pretty.

[Chuckles]

You wouldn't have to force me.

Shut up, Alberto.

Shut up, Alberto.

Uh, the boss's daughter called me a janitor, and I insulted the boss's friend.

Kind of nailed it.

You can't teach them that just because all janitors are Latinos that not all Latinos are janitors.

Wow, mom. That's pretty smart.

I read it on a mug.

Maybe you're right.

As much as I hate to say I told you so...

ma, you do not hate to say that.

In fact, you should have that on a mug.

Hey, everyone...

Ohh.

Is she playing tackle cheerleading?

No, Cristela.

She got hurt playing soccer.

What?

Drop it.

Izzy told us you signed my name on her soccer permission slip.

[Scoffs]

I don't like to lie.

Although, Cristela said it was okay once in a while.

This would have been one of those times.

Come on, Mija. It's bath time.

Have I ever told you about the well?

Everybody knows about the well.

Why can't Izzy play soccer?

Girls play soccer in this country.

All the time.

Ever hear of Mia Hamm and... so many others.

When you can name another, we'll let Izzy play.

Brandi!

Brandi something!

[Sigh]

Abby.

Cris, I don't know how much longer I can ask Felix to live with you.

No, Daniela.

I will not have you throw Felix out over this.

It isn't funny.

[Sighs]

It could be if you just laughed.

My best argument for you is that you help out with the kids.

What happened today isn't helping.

It was just a skinned knee.

I don't care about a skinned knee. I care about boundaries.

Soccer has boundaries!

Cris.

You're right.

If I took the job at the call center, I could get my own place and get out of the way.

It'll just be a formality.

I could get you into H.R. first thing in the morning.

If it's a formality, let's make it noon.

Cris, it's gonna be great.

Mm-hmm.

[Chuckles]

Living the dream by day...

Crying in the shower at night.

[Cellphone rings]

This is Cristela.

Shut up!

Hello? Oh, no.

I was just saying that. Keep talking.

Well, tell Mr. Culpepper I'll be there.

Oh, ho-ho-ho.

That better not be my last beer.

There's one left.

So, a Jew, a Mexican, and a blonde walk into a law office.

Wait, and then what happens?

As interns, you will do whatever is asked of you.

So congratulations on landing the worst job you will ever have.

Now get out of my office.

Oye, muñeca. Hang on one second.

You know why I picked you?

Not a clue.

When I think about how much harder you worked than my daughter to get where you are, well, then, I'd have to have been a fool to not hire you.

Is that it?

Because there was absolutely nothing offensive about what you just said.

Besides, if you're no good, I can report you to the I.N.S.

Mm. And he's back.

You're very smart, but you got a lot to learn.

Trust me, so do you.

Oh, that guy is tough.

Oh, I've had much worse jobs... usually a hairnet involved.

So, what was your worst gig?

Oh, my... my worst... my worst gig?

Mm-hmm.

Uh, you know, it's just, um...

Well, my parents always worried that a job might interfere with my studies.

My big sister... she set me up with this job and I didn't show up, and now she's probably going to throw me out of her house.

My big sister bought me this messenger bag.

Of course she did.

I'm trying to get my brother-in-law paid.

Hello, can I please speak to Chuck?

Uh, I'm calling from Culpepper and Associates on behalf of my client, Felix Gonzalez.

You're gonna get disbarred before you even finish law school.

Chuck.

Uh, we are beginning civil action against you for failure of payment.

Oh, ho ho! Is that so?!

[Laughs]

Look, buddy...

[indistinct shouting]

Have you ever been to cottonwood park on the fourth of July?

Oh, well, then you're familiar with the dodgy toilet situation.

I will make that situation your mouth.

Good day!

What the hell was that?

Just lawyering.

You'll get there.

Hey.

What you doing?

Waiting for you.

Been doing a lot of that today.

Pan Dulce, your favorite.

Mmm.

Still warm.

Mmm.

I stuck my neck out for you.

Hey, I got the other job!

The "job" for no money.

I can't wait to see the apartment that gets you.

[Clears throat]

What's this?

That's a check.

That's a big check.

That's a "put on your cheerleader uniform" check.

I would so whip out my pom-poms right now if Cristela didn't have me in such a bad mood.

You're ruining my life.

So, did Chuck say why he cut the check today?

All he asked was that I tell my lawyer to back off.

Lawyer? You have a lawyer?

Hmm. Who could it be?

It's me.

You did this?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, no.

I can't believe it. Cris!

If you can make this happen pretending to be a lawyer... imagine what you could do if you became a real one.

We need to make sure you do.

Right, Felix?

Felix!

Sometimes it's...

[Mumbling]

Not so bad having you around.

Just so you know, what I heard was, "I love you."

[Giggles]

Aah!

Well, if he's choking, you're doing that wrong.

No, Ama, that was a hug.

[As Natalia] "Another thing we didn't have in our village."

We didn't.

[Normal voice] Cris, thank you.

This check comes at the perfect time.

I know. Girls' soccer cleats, kind of pricy.

[Groans]

Don't push it.

Be happy you still have a bedroom.

So...

You... Got the fancy job.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Cristela, mi corazón, part of me worries that they'll not let you do it and that you're gonna get hurt.

A part of me worries that when you are a...

A big-deal lawyer, you will be embarrassed by me.

Oh, ma, don't be ridiculous.

I'm already embarrassed by you.

[Chuckles]

I am proud of you.

[Sighs]

Nombre, ma, you got to put the arms up here.

You don't... haven't even done this very often.

[Laughs]

I got something to take away the pain if we don't score here.

All right.

Hey, Cris, come sit next to me.

I'm fine right here.

Oh, come on. The last time you sat next to me, we scored.

Okay.

No one should ever question my commitment to the cowboys.

[ TV chatter]

Announcer: They snap the ball. Rolls right, looks downfield, steps back...

All: Romo! Touchdown!

[Laughs]

Yay!