01x05 - E is for Ectoplasm

[bunniefuu]

[Wolf howls]

[Bloop!]

[Thunder rumbles]

Zelda: Well?

Well.

Did you send it?

I'm about to. Can I just say I'm excited?

I'm excited, too.

I know that didn't sound excited, but I'm using my work voice.

I'm glad we're doing this.

Yeah.

It's our month-aversary. And if we could pretend that I didn't use that word, that'd be great.

Oh, then you're gonna hate the card I just got you.

You know what? It's a good thing that it falls near Halloween, because it would be weird to just have a month-aversary party.

Oh, look at me. I'm warming up to that word.

[Laughs]

High five.

High five.

Oh.

This is cool, you know?

I've never thrown a party as part of a couple before.

Yeah, me, neither.

I mean, I've dated guys for more than a month but, you know, I don't know. This just feels...

Different?

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

Definitely different.

All right.

Let's do it.

In my car?

Kidding.

Unless you're not.

Hitting "send" in three, two...

Wait. Uh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'll meet you in the parking lot in 90 seconds.

No. I'm just thinking about Stu and Stephie.

Narrator: Zelda and Andrew normally spend Halloween with their best friends.

After law school, Zelda and Stephie got an apartment which had been used as the exterior for "Laverne & Shirley" seasons six through eight.

Upon learning this, they immediately became obsessed with the show.

Every Halloween since, they dress as the two iconic characters.

Andrew and Stu...

["Ghostbusters" theme plays]

Have had their own spooky tradition since the fourth grade.

♪ Ghostbuster ♪

We talked about this. They're gonna be fine.

Yeah, I know. You're right.

They're adults. They'll understand.

Okay, send it.

I already did.

What?! Without asking me? I'm just kidding.

They're gonna love it.

Stu: Halloween?!

Why?! Why?! Why?!

I'm gonna call you back.

Why?!

Hello? You...

[clatters]

Hi.

Yeah.

[Cellphone chimes]

Oh!

You got the invite.

Oh, yes. Thank you so much for including me.

Yeah.

You RSVP'd "fat chance."

I didn't even know that that was a category.

Narrator: Andrew and Zelda will date for seven months, three weeks, four days, and one hour.

This television program is the comprehensive account of their relationship...

From A to Z.

Lydia: Okay. Over the last week, I have been going through all these cards and letters with the help of a few suck-up employees.

And I found these two.

Donna and Jim Henry... the most attractive, least meth-y couple to have met on our website.

I have invited them to be our guests of honor at the annual Halloween party as a promotional tool.

Press will be there, so, please, if you are coming, wear a sexy costume, unless you're not sexy, in which case, wear a costume which will cover whatever your problem areas are.

Happy Halloween!

[Whistling]

You're still not talking to me?

Check out this guy.

For 20 years, we've been doing a "Ghostbusters" Halloween, and then suddenly I'm cast aside because of some chick he met a month ago, you know.

You do the math, right?

What math?

What are you talking about?

Thanks for the chat, guys.

Hey, Walter, what's going on? Want to get some lunch?

You're doing a couple's costume with him, Zelda.

What about our couple's costume?

You can still go as Laverne.

Alone?

Like in season eight, where Shirley abandons me for Walter?

That was because of a contract dispute with the actor, and you're not on the show.

Well, I feel like I am.

We were in a meeting, right?

[Scoffs]

Zelda: Hello.

Thank you both for coming.

We bought you coffee.

Stu: What's the point?

Aren't you just gonna take it back and give it to each other and then make out on it?

Shall we?

[Clears throat] All right.

So, we would like to start off this meeting by saying that we both understand that you are upset because we went ahead and planned this party without taking our traditions into consideration.

I think Zelda and I might have gotten a little overexcited about our month together.

Yeah. I've worn socks longer than a month.

We should have told you ahead of time.

Yeah, no, a heads-up would have been... Human.

We are very sorry.

Not as sorry as we are.

And we're not really sorry.

I think what Zelda and I are trying to say is we would like the both of you to be a part of it.

Yeah. So, let's all do this party together.

Is this a prank?

You pranking me?

This is real life.

You serious?

Yes.

That's awesome.

Good.

I think that's pretty great.

Yeah.

I mean, we could help with the planning.

Even better.

What did you have in mind?

Well, um, it's just the invite.

The invites.

Yeah, you've seen it.

Okay.

It's just... it could do with a little tweaking.

Like a zhuzh. Like an adjustment.

Great.

Great.

[Wolf howls]

[Groaning]

Zelda: Oh.

Oh!

[Thunder rumbles]

No!

[Groaning]

I am really looking forward to our party.

Yeah, that invitation kind of upset me.

Yeah, it felt personal.

Right.

I guess we can't complain, though.

I mean, our friends are clearly happy, and we still get to throw a party celebrating us.

Zelda: Great.

You tell Zelda about the food?

Uh, Stu was thinking we go Asian street food.

Can I confirm?

Um... hi.

Uh, that is fine by me, but I think Stephie was thinking of doing a French-bistro sort of thing.

But let me see if she's open to trying something...

No. I was up all night caramelizing onions. No.

Uh, no. That's an... that's a no.

That is a no-go on the Asian street food.

What?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

We are doing the Asian street food because I got six skinned rabbits hanging in our shower.

Oh, my God.

Stu, get off the line.

Fine. But I'm expecting no pushback on the "Ghostbusters" theme.

We're having a "Ghostbusters" theme?

We're having a "Ghostbusters" theme?

Uh, no, we're not. The theme is haunted Paris.

Will you put Stephie on the phone, please?

Uh... Okay.

Stephie, it's, uh, Stu. Can you...

This ought to be exciting.

What the hell do you want?

To not throw the world's worst Halloween party, that's what I want.

So you won't be coming. Fabulous.

[Laughs] That's funny. That's really funny.

We'll send you some pictures. How about that?

I'm gonna get a bunch of homeless people and dress them up just like me...

And I'm gonna invite them to your house.

And don't raise your voice at me.

[Scoffs]

[Sighs] When I think about what a positive impact this party is going to have, and how pleased I'm going to be with myself [sniffles] I get choked up.

Yeah. Speaking of choking, that's exactly what he did to her last night on a cruise ship.

I'm not following.

Well, according to reports, after days of relentless arguing, Donna Henry brained Jim Henry with a shuffleboard puck.

A double choking then ensued, and they both went over the side of the moonlight deck.

But they're still coming, right?

Well, the venezuelan coast guard's looking for the bodies, but...

So we need a new couple.

Yeah.

Damn it!

If we're gonna have haunted Paris, right, we need at least...

"if"? What do you mean, "if"? We are having haunted Paris.

Stu: I'm just saying, if we are going to...

Can you leave Paris to me?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Stu and Stephie!

There's nothing scary about Paris!

Guys.

Hey, guys, guys.

They're trying to speak. Shush.

So, we're so excited that you are involved in this party and that you're excited.

Thank you. Yes.

But we need you to stop constantly bickering.

It's horrible.

We... we thought you guys were cool with the theme being half haunted Paris, half "Ghostbusters."

Oh, I'm very cool. I'm cool as a cucumber. It's him.

He insists on putting green goop on my decorations.

All over them. It's called ectoplasm.

And also, she keeps deflating my stay puft marshmallow man.

That balloon is very annoying, and it keeps...

"Balloon."

He also wants to spend 90% of our budget hiring someone called "Ray Parker Jr."

Or something like that who nobody knows.

"Someone called ray Parker Jr."

It's like, he's sang the "Ghostbusters" theme...

I don't care what he sings.

The single best "Ghostbusters" theme...

He's not worth... that has been recorded.

Okay.

I feel like I'm dealing with a child.

Just...

You want brie cheese, right? You want brie cheese.

Yes, I want brie cheese.

If we're gonna do cheese, why don't we do muenster cheese?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

At least it sounds like "the munsters."

The cheese...

Guys. Guys.

Guys!

Stu and Stephie, both of you listen.

You guys are acting nuts, so the party's off.

Are you serious?

Yes.

Yes, we are serious.

We wanted to involve you because you two have been the most important relationships of our lives.

Of our whole lives.

We love you.

But you know what? Things change, guys.

They're changing.

Things are changing.

Yes, it is a boyfriend-girlfriend.

It's not a boyfriend-boyfriend's friend / girlfriend-girlfriend's friend.

Did I say that right?

Which the... what she said is... yeah.

I'm glad the party's canceled.

Great.

And I am gonna go and eat these empanadas shaped like Rick Moranis by myself.

Don't choke and fall and split your head and die.

Don't do that. That would be awful.

What do you mean we can't find another successful couple?

The party is tonight.

What about all the ones on this wall?

Well, we've been through all of them. And of the four that are local, two are divorced, and one started a polygamist cult. We're waiting for an update on the fourth.

Oh, um [Chuckles] well, we found them. On a county coroner's website. They m*rder*d each other two years ago.

Well, this is just great.

We don't have a golden couple, and our algorithm may be k*lling people.

Hmm. No. Don't lose hope. We're gonna find a great couple.

I don't need great. At this point... I just need them to be alive.

What? Did I miss it? What were you looking at?

Where... why are you walking away? What is going on?

I think it is a good thing that we set them straight, although Stephie is pretty mad at me.

Andrew: Stu cooked me a whole breakfast and then put it in the trash while I watched.

You know what? They'll get over it.

And actually, I'm glad that we don't have to do this party anymore because I was getting very uncomfortable with being the center of attention like that.

[Singsong voice] Congratulations! Whoo!

You're Wallflower's new golden couple, and we're having a party tonight in your honor.

After that, you both can go crap in the ocean for all I care.

Lydia, I don't want to be the golden couple.

And I don't want to crap in the ocean.

Besides, we didn't meet on Wallflower.

Don't care. You're doing it.

Since when is this a part of my job description?

Right now.

"Oh, and, hi, Zelda. We've met before."

[Dance music plays]

I owe you big time.

Yes, you do.

It smells like exposed breasts in here.

Is that a slutty Sherlock Holmes?

Think so. So cold.

Emily, the reporter, meet our golden couple.

Hi. This is Andrew Lofland and...

Zelda.

So, how long have you two been together?

Uh, actually, it's our month-aversary.

[Chuckles]

But...

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

Oh, they love each other so much that they celebrate the entire month that they met, which was five years ago.

Can you believe it?

[Laughs]

I was about to say... a month is nothing.

I mean, at that point, you're still sleeping with other people.

Oh, my God. I know.

Right, Emily, let's go get you a drink.

I don't know how much more I can take of this.

Yeah, this night can't get any more painful.

Stephie: Hi, guys. Hi. Hi.

Stephie, what are you doing here?

Oh, well, I'm still a member of Wallflower, and so I still get invited to all these sexy single things.

And it's really nice to know that someone still finds me sexy.

No one ever said that you weren't sexy.

I mean, who knows?

I might find someone tonight, and then a month would go by, and I could just replace everybody I love with a random guy.

Oh, come on.

I'm gonna give you guys the room.

Thank you.

See you later.

It's just the two of us.

Do you feel uncomfortable?

Yes, I know. No, we live together.

Want to invite him back?

Hi. I'm gonna just squeeze through right here.

Hey, Andrew. What's up? Where's Zelda?

I don't care.

I'm just here hanging out with my new best friend.

That's great, Stu. Who's your new best friend?

Oh, Mr. Ray Parker Jr..

Hey.

Oh, my God. Oh, hi, uh, Ray Parker Jr..

Where's the Mike? I'm all warmed up.

[Laughs] Yeah. Come on, new best friend.

We're gonna go do something that makes us feel good, and for him, that's bustin'.

You know, when you say stuff like that, the price goes up.

Your people have my credit card, all right?

I can call them. [Chuckles]

Feeling jealous?

Yeah, who are all these people?

Mostly sexy singles who use our site.

And that's the beauty of Wallflower, Emily.

Our golden couple used to be just like these very single...

Very sexy people.

Howard. Handle them.

Oh, right. Pardon me.

You're so pretty.

Oh. [Laughs]

Candy. Ow.

Hey, you two. Oh, hey.

Great costumes.

[Chuckles] Thank you.

Lady in a black dress and Super Mario.

"Magnum, P.I."

Great!

Come on with me.

Where to?

We're going to an exclusive room where the party's truly off the ch-zain.

Like a vip room?

Sure.

Why is the doorman on our side of the door?

I don't know.

We'd like to leave now.

I'm afraid that's not possible.

There's Nancy the receptionist. Hi.

Silent Arnold.

And Sage and the rest of the programming department.

I don't think this is the vip room.

[Thunder rumbles]

It's nerd jail.

Let's just try and forget about what happened with that reporter.

It's my fault.

I overestimated your ability to think on your feet.

I just assumed everyone in this town had been through level-one improv.

Okay, Lydia...

No!

My future at this company may well ride on this event, and if I go down, so will you.

Not you.

You're pretty much free to leave whenever you wish.

Hmm.

Well, I'm with him, so...

Suit yourself, anime eyes.

Now just stand there and don't talk to anyone.

They look like they're having fun.

Lora: This sucks.

The good cheese is all out there.

Sage: You know what this is? This is a kidnapping.

Stand back. I'm gonna set us free.

W-w-w-w-wait, wait! Whoa.

Uh, I-I'll get us out of here.

How?

I'll climb through the ventilation ducts.

This isn't a movie.

Air ducts support air, not people.

You'll fall to your death.

Are you calling me husky?

No. I'm calling you an idiot.

[As squiggy] Hello, Laverne.

[Chuckling] That's actually quite funny.

Yeah. I knew you'd like it.

You know, um, since there's no party, technically, we have no reason to fight.

Oh, I'm sure I could find one.

Yeah?

Yeah.

But my heart's just not in it, so you're off the hook.

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

Well, look at them being civil.

What do you think they're talking about?

Sure it's not coming up with ways to apologize to us.

We could start using paintballs on them.

And they hurt, and surprise them, especially if we aim for the face.

Hello.

Oh, look who it is.

Oh, look. It's the golden couple.

Oh, very good. All right!

Oh, so shiny!

That's about enough of that.

That is enough.

You have no reason to be angry at us anymore.

Um, no reason? Okay, excuse me. First of all, you exclude us from your party, and then you include us in your party, and then you exclude us from your life.

I mean, it's like an emotional roller coaster with you. And not one of those upside-down ones like I like.

You know why we canceled our party? Because you two were acting like a couple of crazed mother-in-laws fighting over a wedding!

It's "mothers-in-law." The "s" is in the middle.

This is clearly the wrong time.

It's not the time.

This isn't about grammar.

This is about you.

I told you two not to move!

All you two need to shut up or I will send you to the vip room.

And who celebrates a one-month anniversary anyway?

Th stupid.

Stu: I'll tell you who.

I'll tell you who. 15-year-olds and dictators.

I'm sorry. Did you say they've only been dating a month?

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

[Thumping] [Shouts]

[Music stops]

Oh, don't worry. It's just Magnum, P.I.

[Crowd murmuring]

He's dead.

[Sighs] I told him.

[Coughing]

Ray Parker Jr.?

Am I in heaven?

[Laughter]

[Cheers and applause]

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Andrew: Is this really necessary?

Lydia: Yes.

We can see where we're going.

Stay here while I try and do damage control with the press.

You don't deserve this.

[Groans]

[Sighs]

Okay. Um, so, I think that we all have said and done things that we regret this evening.

No, we didn't. You two did.

You were wrong, and we were wrong. It's all the same.

But I guess for now, we accept your apology.

Okay, that's enough.

You're both acting like giant babies over nothing.

Wow. Shows how much you know.

[Scoffs] Yeah.

Pbht. Pbht. Pbht.

Pbht.

Oh, my God.

Pbht.

[Spits]

All right, I didn't have peanuts.

No, no, no. He was scoffing.

I was scoffing.

He was scoffing.

He was just scoffing.

I was scoffing at how insensitive you guys have been.

We're your best friends, and you're replacing us.

Stu, I've known you since I was nine years old.

Do you honestly think I would let that happen?

When big bird was making me go through the "success wall" cards, they all said the same thing.

Every one of them, all of them, including the double-m*rder ones.

They all called their significant others their best friend.

But I'm your best friend.

So what happens to me?

I mean, you said it yourself.

Things are changing.

No, they're... no, no.

I-I don't... we may have gotten a little ahead of ourselves, I think.

Yeah. I mean, we... we're... we've been together a month.

That's nothing.

A fact that we've been reminded of over and over and over and over again tonight.

Oh, please.

I mean, yes, for normal couples, a month is nothing.

But for you two, it's just like it feels so...

Different.

Stephie: Yeah.

[Groans]

Howard, where's scoop?

The reporter?

I talked to her.

What did she say?

I begged her to pull the article, and she refused.

[Sighs] Damn it, Howard!

She said the slant of the article is gonna be that if you're looking for love, Wallflower is not the right site.

But if you're looking for fun, if you're looking for sexy singles, Wallflower's the site for you.

I couldn't have written it better myself.

That's a lot of cheese.

Shh.

Stu: It was awesome. Big chest.

No, the guy. The costume.

Yeah, that's how she does it.

That's why she makes it at all.

They must have been eating pickles and drinking Mike's hard lemonade.

Oh.

I got this for you, Zelda.

[Chuckles]

Thank you, Stu.

Zelda: Thank you guys so much for bringing our costumes.

Well, I had a feeling you guys would come around, so..

What if, after this, we watched your "Ghostbusters" film?

[Laughing] Yeah!

And then we can watch "Laverne & Shirley."

Yeah!

[Laughs]

Yeah!

[Laughs]

[Groans]

[Laughter]

Narrator: As for Stu and Stephie's fear of being replaced, I'll say this... Andrew and Zelda, at least at this point in their relationship, are not best friends. They're something... Different.