01x02 - Soul Mates

[bunniefuu]

Izzy's lunch. Henry's lunch.

Did I miss anything?

Every hint I've given since you moved in.

It's because you're so subtle.

[Slowly]

Move out.

What's he really trying to say?

Hey, Cris, what are three things that you couldn't do without?

Uh, air, water, and...

Family?

[Laughs]

No.

Uh, football.

Hey, qué pasa, everybody!

You know, you shouldn't leave your door open like that.

Someone could just walk in and take your stuff.

Thanks.

That was mine!

Oh, come on.

All this for a dainty flower like you?

Okay.

And that, Felix, is how you almost charm a woman.

Hey, Cris, are you more of a dog person or a cat person?

Why are you asking me all these weird questions?

You know how you've been worried because you're not dating enough?

Uh, no?

Well, we are, so...

I'm signing you up for a dating site.

Oh, that's a dumb idea.

It was mine.

That explains it.

Look, I'm not interested in dating anyone.

I think it would be a good idea for you, Cristela.

When Daniela was your age, she already had two kids.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, ma, 'cause guys love pregnant chicks.

[Laughs]

Some don't mind.

My mother got married at 15.

I got married at 17.

You do not want to be like your aunt Socorro, a spinster who d*ed alone.

She was 18!

Still... alone!

Hey, what grade do you want me to say you completed?

Oh, uh, put down high school, but that she struggled.

I'm in law school.

Men don't like women who are smarter than them.

And, Daniela, you could, uh, misspell a few things in there, too, huh?

You know what's funny?

I actually like a woman who can challenge me intellectually.

Then you're lucky, 'cause that's all women.

Why would anybody need to meet a guy online?

I mean, you just go to a bar, don't order a drink, and two seconds later, someone buys you one, you know?

Do you even know how much a drink costs?

$80?

My sister says online dating is for people that don't care about looks.

Mm, I don't know about that.

I don't judge people on looks.

I judge people on money.

I need two interns to organize these briefs, and I need them to be perfect.

Is that your way of saying "not me," daddy?

No, no, not at all, sweetheart.

[Chuckles]

Oh.

Where's Josh?

Right here, sir.

Oh.

I need these by Friday.

Oh, please tell me that's the Hanley litigation.

You know, I had a dream last night where I was alphabetizing all the files.

I dreamed we never had this conversation.

But today's your lucky day, Josh.

Yeah.

It really is, sir. Yes.

Someone's buying themselves dinner tonight.

That's great. Too much sharing.

So Josh, Cristela wanna try online dating?

I, uh, I think it's a... Cultural thing.

Even though I'm Mexican, I can still hear you!

Uh, I'm just too busy to be in a relationship.

What? I do the same stuff as you, and I have time.

I work lawyer's hours.

Mm-hmm.

You work lawyer's daughter's hours.

Well, I like mine better.

Hey, I totally get it. I don't date.

It's not part of my 10-year-plan.

You have a 10-year-plan? I have a 10-year-plan.

Get out of here.

I started mine in high school.

Oh, you started late. I started mine in junior high.

Okay. Stop bragging.

[Chuckles]

I wanted to go to NYU for undergrad and nailed that.

Uh, went to U.T., mission accomplished.

I got into SMU law, as planned.

Me, too, but wait... why leave New York for Texas?

I wanted to go somewhere exotic.

Now I have to make associate in five years.

Uh, duh, 'cause how are you gonna make partner in 12?

Well, see, now we're really getting into my 20-year-plan.

Okay, I'll go there with you.

Yeah? All right.

Well, so, I want to try a supreme court case by the time I'm 50.

Hmm. And retire at 65 to run a nonprofit for Latino immigrants.

I was gonna say underprivileged Jewish kids.

Is that even a thing?

It's so crazy.

It's like we should be different, but we're both focused on the same thing.

Yeah, with our schedules, we'll only be able to meet people we work with.

You know, I see where you're going with this, Josh, and you're sweet, but I'm not going out with you.

[Door opens]

Oh, you're here. Good.

Okay, so today, I laid a 12x12 floor and did not bend one nail.

Okay, I wasn't expecting an applause, but, you know, these little contests get me through the day.

Listen to this.

It's a quote from one of Cristela's matches.

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."

Isn't that beautiful?

[Scoffs]

He just rhymed "desire" with "desired."

English is my second language, but even I know that sucked.

How come you've never written me a poem?

That new tile in your bathroom is my poem to you.

I just get a little jealous when I read these men tell Cristela how fascinating they think she is.

Well, you know why they think that?

They haven't met her.

No. They think that because they're sensitive.

[Scoffs]

I'm sensitive.

I cried a little when I finished your tiles.

Maybe you got grout in your eye.

Well, the point is I cried, right?

You're not sensitive.

Come on.

Is that a new blouse?

No.

New shoes?

No.

Haircut?

You're not sensitive.

I love you.

And I love you, too!

Ugh.

Could this personal-record day get any worse?

Okay, Cris, don't be mad, but I went ahead and submitted your profile to the dating site.

That's nice.

Let me know how my dates go.

You got over 500 views.

[Laughs]

Shut up!

And that was just during the day.

Think how much more you could get when the guys with jobs get online.

You won't have to put in that much time.

[Sighs]

I could do it for you.

I might have already answered a few.

Daniela, I know you're coming from a good place, but I just feel like a man would hold me back.

Your father never held me back.

He left when I was born!

And he left me free to do as I pleased!

So you wanted to be on food stamps and answer the door with a baseball bat?

[Sighing]

Ay, memories.

No, I just don't think any of those guys would fit in with my lifestyle, okay?

You sleep and you work.

I hate to break it to you, but that's not a lifestyle.

Lifestyle?

[Gasping]

Ooh!

What does that mean, "Ooh!"?

Are you...

The gay?

It's not "the gay."

It's just "gay."

Oh, my God. She is.

I'm not "the gay."

Well, if you want, we could buy you golf clubs.

Fine!

If it will shut everyone up and convince my mom I'm not a lesbian, I will go out on a date! One date!

With a man?

Yes, with a man!

Hey.

How important are looks to you?

Not very.

Good, 'cause these guys are ugh!

Door's still unlocked.

[Door closes]

You know, anybody could just come in here.

Speaking of "ugh," anybody just did.

Alberto, we're in the middle of something.

Oh, that's okay. I got scratchers.

Ohh, look at this guy's profile picture!

[Gasps]

It's a cute, little dog wearing a tiny suit!

Oh, it's got a pocket square!

You know, I'm not sure about that.

Yeah, dogs always look like their owners.

You have a Pomeranian.

Exactly. He's fluffy.

So, you think I should definitely steer clear of dapper dog?

He's wearing a bow tie.

You don't want a dapper dog.

You want a dirty dog.

Well, then, dapper dog it is.

I always trust you to be wrong.

If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

[Tablet chimes]

[Chuckles]

You doing okay over there?

Oh, yeah. Fine.

[Tablet chimes]

[Tablet chimes]

[Laughs]

What's so funny?

Oh, someone sent me a message that said "lol," and it actually made me laugh out loud.

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

Oh, yeah, tha... it's a cute dog.

It's dapper dog.

[Laughing]

Look, it's got a little pocket square!

Wait a sec. What is... is that one of those dating sites?

What about your plan?

Josh, the plan is fine. It's just an hour for dinner.

Do I detect a little jealousy?

Jealous? No.

No, I'm just worried about your career, is all.

I know. I'm kidding. Oh!

I know. I'm kidding, too.

[Laughs mockingly]

[Tablet chimes]

[Laughs]

Really?

It's a cat on a tiny motorcycle!

I can't not make a noise!

You know, mooning over some guy instead of working is not gonna help you make partner.

I know that.

I was going on this date to shut my family up, but this guy, he seems kind of cool.

And how many guys like sports and Broadway musicals?

Lots. Mostly serial K*llers.

"Isn't 'Les mis' great? The mavericks just scored."

We like the same movies. You know, we both like "Rocky."

Oh, he does sound special.

I mean, where are you gonna find another guy who likes "Rocky"?

I'm just starting to think that maybe I'm missing out on something, plus my mom will stop pressuring me about me being a lesbian.

Wait, what? Whoa, I... your mom wants you to become a lesbian?

She just wants whatever makes me happy.

[Laughs]

How's it going?

Uh, we're just... it's going... don't care.

Did I mention that they moved the court date up, so I'm gonna need the file on the Hanley case by tomorrow morning?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait.

We thought we had two more days.

No. We got to do it tonight.

Eh, it sucks to be "not me."

Good night.

Oh, boy.

Well, I guess my date doesn't matter now.

Well, you could always reschedule for next week.

Of course, for dapper dog, that's gonna feel like seven weeks.

Nah. It was hard enough to get tonight off.

[Sighs]

You know what? Uh, you go.

I... I can finish this.

I don't know. Are you sure?

[Chuckles]

Of course, yeah.

I've... I've always been really good at working while other people have fun.

Oh, me, too! Story of our lives, right?

[Chuckles]

You're the best. Thanks.

Uh, if he starts murdering you...

Uh, text me.

Can I get you a drink?

No.

See, I'm... I'm meeting a guy for the first time, and I just... I really want to make a good impression.

We met online, and, um, he has the cutest little dog photo.

[Laughing]

Oh, yes.

He's supposed to wear, uh, a rose pinned on his lapel so that I know who he is.

Rose is my favorite flower, so...

"No" would have been fine.

This isn't "cheers." I don't want to know your name.

It's Cristela.

[Chuckles]

You didn't want to know it.

[Laughs]

Man: Whoo! Look at you!

Ohh!

Bartender, get me a double.

Of what?

Anything.

How dare you misrepresent yourself, and on the Internet of all places?

Cris, I... I didn't lie to you.

Everything I said online was the truth.

Except for the tiny fact that it was you.

Oh, my God! I flirted with you!

Oh, my God! What did I say?!

A lot.

[Laughs]

You told me that you... gah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah! Gah! Gah!

Come on. We connected.

Because you were lying. You don't really love Broadway.

Well, I didn't before, but come on.

I knew that you did, so I thought I'd give it a try.

And as it turns out, "Miss Saigon," oh, spoke to me.

Seriously, the story of a hooker with a heart of gold just... Mnh.

I know, right? It's so good.

But wait.

You're just paying attention to what I like so that we could share something.

Well, that's what the women's magazine says you're supposed to do.

Are you the one that's been stealing my women's magazines?

You know, uh, I could tell you a little more than I'd like to about how to please a man.

And by the way, I hate to break it to you, but you have combination skin.

Look, I'm sorry I lied to you, okay?

But this is the only way I could do this so that you'd get to know the real me without all the sexual tension!

I'm kind of relieved you're dapper dog.

It's like fate's telling me not to alter my life plan.

My life plan has a Cristela plan.

You have a Cristela plan?

Mm-hmm.

And how does that end?

It ends with us being married and then me coming home to a nice dinner made by my wife, which, uh, happens to be you.

Wait. What if I have to work late?

Oh, my wife is not gonna have to work.

What if I want to work?

Who wants to work?!

Me! I do. I want to work.

[Laughs]

Our first fight.

[Sighs]

Look, Alberto, you're a great guy, and one day, you're gonna make a woman semi-sort of happy.

But that's not what I want.

Is it because it's me?

No.

I... I just don't want anything that's going to slow me down or stop me from getting what I've worked so hard for.

Get it?

I get it.

So what you're saying is, you want a mindless fling, and I'm happy to give that to you.

No.

But if "Miss Saigon" ever comes to Dallas, we'll go... as friends.

[Chuckles]

Oh, physical contact!

10 months ahead of schedule.

Ugh!

[Elevator bell dings]

Hey, you're not done yet.

You're back?

Yeah, it didn't work out.

Uh, I took a quick detour, but I'm back on the life plan.

Dapper dog turned out to be Alberto.

Alberto? Is that Spanish for something bad?

Yeah, kinda.

So, tonight didn't work out.

I mean, maybe the next guy won't be so, uh, Alberto.

I don't know. I think most guys are Albertos.

He didn't want me to work.

That's crazy. I love it when you work.

I'd especially love it if you worked right now.

Is it weird that working on briefs is my idea of the perfect date?

A little bit, yeah.

But I was kind of thinking the exact same thing.

Okay. Point for Josh.

Okay. I'm on the board.

Hey.

I made you something.

You did?

Uh-huh.

It's a piece of tile.

With our initials on it.

And I'm gonna put it in the bathroom so that you can look at it every time you use the toilet.

[Sighs]

That's... Very...

Romantic.

Right?

Thanks.

You know, a lot of guys might get a little jealous that you're so interested in what other guys are writing.

They should be. Listen to this.

"Love is strong, yet delicate."

Delicate.

"It can be broken."

That's why you have to be gentle.

"To, uh... To truly love is to... Understand this."

Understand.

"To... to be..."

Um... "To be"... ay! Forget it!

Come on. Don't you have enough kids for me to look after?