01x07 - Communication Breakdown

[bunniefuu]

[Conquest by Patti Page]

Ah, cold!

Michelle?

♪ Conquest ♪

Michelle... oh. Oh, please don't be dead. Please don't be dead. Michelle?

Man, I am never drinking again.

Come on. Here.

Okay.

Come on.

You were married to that douche bag for 17 years.

I can't believe I was married to a guy that has a Calvin and Hobbes tramp stamp.

This is fun!

I had a lot of fun.

Lot of fun last night.

So crazy!

It's like old times.

It is like old times.

I mean, we were just so, like...

We didn't have a care in the world.

No, we didn't.

We were like...

Hey. I'm proud of you.

You are?

Yeah.

And you have to trust me. It may not feel like it right this second...

Right.

But all of this...

Mm-hmm?

Is good for you.

You needed a palate cleanser.

I did.

And so do I.

Your breath is kind of disgusting.

I know.

It's hideous.

♪ Now you know who made the ♪
♪ conquest ♪

[Upbeat music]

Case number 62-217-46A, State versus Li Lin for loitering.

Wow, try saying that three times.

Uh, loitering does not usually make it to my bench.

So why don't you tell me... What's so special about this guy?

[Clears throat]

Mr. Lin has been repeatedly asked to leave the sidewalk in front of the Saladictatorship vegan restaurant.

Apparently, when people try to give him money, he tries to steal their shoes.

Well, then, if he's stealing shoes, why isn't he here for theft, Tom?

Apparently, he's never gotten a pair.

Well, then you two have something in common.

Ha-ha-ho.

Uh, Mr. Lin?

Do you understand the charges brought before you?

Mr. Lin?

Counselor?

Lin... Lin, here it is.

Uh, loitering, steals shoes... oh!

He's deaf, Your Honor.

Well, that would have been good information to have.

I'm gonna continue the case until we find someone who knows sign language.

And can someone make a Saladictatorship run?

An avocado oppression would be great right now.

So you and Michelle went out again last night?

I'm basically cruise-directing her divorce, and that girl can rage.

Mm.

She's like the Courtney Love of Woodland Hills.

I'm supposed to be signing up judges for their new portrait photographs, but seeing as how you look like a troll doll, I'm gonna postpone you to Monday.

Yeah, it's probably a good idea.

What is that? Is that queso?

Yeah, if I had to guess.

Oh, man.

I fell over the nacho machine again.

You better rally tonight, Rebecca, 'cause I told my buddy I was bringing people, okay?

For sure.

The last thing I want to do is let DJ Dr. Giggles down.

Riddles. Okay?

DJ Dr. Riddles.

Giggles won't be a stupid name for a DJ.

That would be stupid.

You know you're wearing two different shoes, right?

Eh.

Judge Hernandez, I don't know if you heard, but I am in charge of the new judge photos for the courthouse.

And I see that you have not signed up yet, so if I can just get a time for you...

Don't need a new photo.

My official picture's been the same since I got here.

I don't see any reason to change now.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

This one?

A, it's 30 years old.

B, you look like Gloria Estefan with a mustache.

Look, do me a favor.

Let me bring you into this decade with a new photo.

Fine, I suppose I can take a new one.

[Grunts]

Although I will miss the old one.

Look at that beautiful, thick hair.

[Singing in Spanish]

[DJ Snake and Lil Jon's Turn Down For What]

This place is fun.

Good music and cute guys.

Yeah, and we look hot!

Ah-ooh! Okay.

Come on, let's go find somebody you're gonna regret in the morning.

Okay.

Yeah, I wanna get back at Nick, you know?

Because he keeps posting photos on Instagram with all these random skanks.

Ugh.

Check this out.

Look at it, look at it.

Who wears a bikini top to outback steakhouse?

Well, clearly she's not afraid of the sizzling fajita platter.

God.

Yeah.

I am never getting in a relationship again.

See, this is why I don't do relationships.

The jealousy, the games...

You know who mates for life?

Mm.

Yeah, the albatross.

It's the literary symbol for dragging you down.

Wow. Wait, so you don't have any of that with Gary?

No, because Gary and I are not in a relationship.

We're just like for fun and for free, right?

No fuss, no muss...

We're basically like two dudes who hang out, you know?

Only one of us isn't a dude.

Hey, what's up, Judge?

Hey, Michelle.

Looking good since your newfound freedom.

Thank you!

Congrats!

Can I tell you something, Tedward?

Yeah.

Now that I'm single, I'm kinda looking at you differently.

You've always looked at me like that.

Have I really?

Hey, hey!

How about... hey, hey, hey.

How about nobody looks at anybody differently, huh?

What?

Ah!

Yeah.

Oh, oh, wait!

Will you pose with me like I'm a random skank?

Yeah.

Okay. Uh...

Wait, is this a jealousy photo?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is.

Okay, well...

Okay.

Sweet! Thanks!

Aw, yeah! Uh-huh!

Uh-huh... hey, is that Gary?

Tedward, did you invite Gary?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn't tell you?

What's he doing, the grind or the freak?

That's Gary?

He is cute.

Yeah.

He's cute.

Hey!

Hey!

Gary.

Rebecca, you just get here?

I did. I did. I did. This is my friend, Michelle.

Hey. How you doing?

Hi.

Yeah.

This is, um...

Renata.

Oh, Renata. Is that like a boat?

What?

Yeah, so hey, you guys, um, just meet right now?

Are you old friends or relatives? This a cousin?

No, we met earlier tonight.

Ah, okay.

That's cool, that's cool, that's cool.

What, what?

Oh, Gary, you are hilarious.

We have a bunch of inside jokes.

Fun.

Well, he and I were kind of dancing, so...

All right, we're all dancing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, could I just borrow him for one second?

One Mississippi, time's up.

Time's up.

Whoa!

[All cheering]

[Laughs]

Whoo! Gosh.

Oh. So where you from?

Uh, here.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

Morning, Judge Wright.

I don't know about you, but I cannot stop thinking about last night.

Yeah, that was fun.

Hey, how's your tailbone?

Bruised but worth it.

Yeah, it was!

Yeah!

That was fun.

Hey, do you want to join me tonight for an all-expenses-paid evening of fun and frolic at the Crestwick Hotel?

Free fun and frolic?

How'd you swing that?

Ah, this couple I do marriage counseling for gave it to me... or used to do marriage counseling for.

Now I just do divorce counseling for the wife.

[Imitates whip cr*ck] - But, hey, winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Ooh, well, if it's free, it's for me.

Gosh, I do love a good hotel room.

Use all the towels you want, dump them on the floor, and eat bacon from room service while someone else cleans it up.

It's the best.

I'm in!

Nice!

Judge Wright, this is our interpreter.

Right.

Mr. Lin, you have been charged with loitering, punishable by a fine and jail time of up to one year.

Do you understand the charges against you?

He doesn't understand me.

I think he speaks Mandarin.

Isn't all sign language the same?

r*cist.

Nope. You're going to have to find someone who knows CSL...

Chinese sign language.

Ugh, okay. Okay, another continuance.

Get me someone who can sign CSL, someone who can speak Mandarin, and a lawyer who can speak both English and Mandarin, so we don't get tripped up on legal terms.

And, you come back, just in case.

And we need a stenographer who can take transcript in Mandarin.

[Speaking Mandarin]

That's "I got you covered, Judge" in Mandarin.

Okay, Judy, how do you know Mandarin?

Oh, well, the cable guy hooked us up with free cable when I was a kid, but it was only the Chinese stations, so...

[Speaking Mandarin]

Huh.

[Knocking on door]

Judge Hernandez.

If you came to yell at Judge Wright, she is not here.

I was looking for you.

You're a stylish fella, and, well, I thought maybe you could give me some pointers for my portrait.

Yeah. All right, well, yeah.

Let's...

Great.

Let me see.

Okay.

You know, we get you... I don't know, maybe get you in...

In the right suit... if you're okay with, I don't know, maybe trying a tie... the non-bolo variety.

I could try that.

Get some of the facial hairs, like, combed up.

And maybe thread the random eyebrows that's growing on the bridge of your nose. It's...

Well, my wife has mentioned those.

Mm-hmm.

Well, thank you, Tedward.

Really, it's... it's three very useful suggestions...

Hey, hey, where you going? We're not done yet.

Let me... let me just look over right here real quick.

What?

We need to talk about your posture.

What? Oh!

Yeah.

Yeah.

See, you're already an inch taller.

That's nice, man.

I am?

[Exhales] - Yeah, we're almost eye to eye.

Wait.

You're going away for a night with Gary?

Mm-hmm.

All right.

You undersold how serious you two are.

Serious? No, we're going to a hotel.

That's where prostitutes take their Johns.

Well, it seems like it's getting serious.

He's inviting you away.

You're actually folding your clothes.

And I saw how jealous you got when he was dancing with that other lady.

I was not jealous, okay?

I wasn't. I just... you know, look, it just so happens that Gary and I tend to do some of our best work between the hours of 2:00 A.M. and 4:00 A.M.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I think you need to just admit it.

You're in a relationship.

I'm...

Oh, my God!

It's not a big deal. I get it.

He's cute.

You think he's cute?

Oh, yeah.

We're not, though.

We're just like a couple of, uh, you know, booty-call buds that enjoy eating chicken wings in the bathtub.

Did you just write a country song?

Yes, I did, and it's called We're not in a Relationship.

Yeah, no, no, I got it.

You got it?

Wow, this place is nice.

Yeah, it's nice.

I mean, it's nothing serious, but you know.

No, I mean, look at all the happy couples.

Nah, I think that most of these people are prostitutes with their Johns.

Really?

Yeah, this guy?

Bet he paid a pretty penny for her.

Ooh, truly is the oldest profession in the world.

Oh, jeez.

Hey, we're checking in.

Yes, we are.

Ah, yes, welcome, Dr. and Mrs. Boyd.

Uh, no, no, no, it's not missus.

I'm a judge. He's barely a doctor.

Head shrink.

We have you down for the anniversary package.

Is that right?

What?

Mm-hmm.

Otherwise, you can't have the free champagne and strawberries.

Ten years today. Right, honey?

Ah, yeah, it's Rebecca.

It's free.

Hey, you barely touched your steak.

My halibut was awesome.

This place is just couples, couples, couples.

It's like Noah's fricking Ark in here.

I mean, we'd be hard pressed to find a three-top in this restaurant.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm just blinded by a sea of diamond solitaires.

What's that?

Well, while you were in the bathroom, I ordered you another gin and tonic.

Why would you assume I want another gin and tonic?

W... because you're still in the single digits.

Yeah, but maybe I want something else, you know?

You ever think of that? Maybe I want, I don't know, a Margarita or a glass of wine or a bourbon.

Maybe I don't want to be tied down to one drink for the rest of my life.

For dessert, your sampler platter for two.

Bon appetit.

Ah, no, no, no, no, no.

Wait, wait. Did you order this?

Well, no, it's part of our package.

Ah, yeah, no, no. We don't share dessert.

We're not there yet. Okay? So...

No, you know what? Give it to me.

I'll take it. Yeah, this is mine.

Mine, this is mine, so you should order your own dessert as a separate person.

Okay, I have an idea.

How about we get the check, okay?

We go up to the room, test out that bed. What's up?

Or, um, hear me out. Wild pitch.

Um, I go upstairs, get my own room, and then we see where the night takes us as separate humans on the planet.

Hmm. I'm not sure what's happening right now.

I feel sick. Really, I'm cramping up.

I think I might need a doctor here.

I'm a doctor.

No, I mean like a real doctor.

Yeah, I'm a real doctor.

No, I mean, like someone who went to medical school and can prescribe medication.

Yeah, still me.

[Sighs]

Gary.

You're, like, suffocating me.

What's going on?

Why do you have to ask what's going on?

Gary, I mean, what...

Stop taking the temperature of our not-relationship, okay?

This is supposed to be fun, and suddenly, it's getting all weird and heavy, you know?

It's like that weird finale in M.A.S.H where Hawkeye makes that lady k*ll the chicken.

Yeah.

It wasn't a chicken, Gary.

It was a baby.

Oh, get up. You're embarrassing yourself.

Oh, Tedward.

Yeah, Judge, hey...

Oh, sir, hey... is... is that you?

I followed your advice, and I do believe I am ready to take this picture.

Uh, well, I see you in the shirt.

I see you in the shirt, looks good.

Did you... did you do something else?

No, no, you're right. The clothes do make me look younger.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Tedward.

Good afternoon, Judge Hernand... hey!

Why?

D... uh...

Judge Hernandez is getting ready for his new portrait.

Okay, yeah.

Hi, Tedward. Hi, Tom.

Hello, Judy.

Whoa, Judge.

I didn't recognize you. What happened?

Did you trip and fall on a sharpie?

Judy. No.

She's right.

This is ridiculous.

I can't do this picture like this.

I mean, come on, Judge.

You're gonna take a great photo, okay?

Yes, and your legacy is very important to this courthouse.

Mm-hmm.

So just give us that look of authority you project from the bench.

Go!

Just go!

I'm doing it!

Yup, there it is!

Uh-huh.

Yeah, that's it.

Uh-huh.

That was it. I saw it.

Oh, hey, Judge.

Do you have any more of that?

I wanna dye all my cats the same color and see if I can still tell them apart by their personality.

This is absurd.

That could be fun.

Thelma and Louise ride again! Whoo!

I don't think they're gonna ride ever again.

Oh, no, tell me they did not go to jail.

They do not go to jail.

Sweet!

Mm.

What is wrong with... we've been here an hour, and you're only halfway through your first drink.

Okay, okay, what happened at the Crestwick with you and Gary?

[Sighs]

I left.

Yeah, I don't think I can see Gary anymore.

Why?

Because I think he wants to have a relationship, and I just wanna have fun.

You know, he starts having feelings, I have feelings.

Feelings sicken me.

Well, what did he say?

Well, he didn't say anything to me, okay?

We didn't talk about it.

I mean, that's why I don't wanna have a relationship because then you have to do things like have discussions about the relationship... it's like a vicious cycle.

Okay, all right, listen, you have got to talk to him, so you can find out if you guys even want different things...

Same things.

Same things.

Eh.

I know you like him.

Yeah, you do.

Yeah, you do, because you ditched me at a club for him while I had an open tab.

Yeah.

You had an open tab?

Captain Kahlua cost me a fortune.

Well, you know what, what can I say?

This black American loves white Russians.

[Chuckles]

[Both growl]

Hey, Judge. You're up in a few minutes.

I was hoping you wouldn't find me in here.

Come on, Judge.

Why don't you wanna take this picture?

Because that guy on that wall is young, and this guy is old.

And I hate knowing that the next picture they're going to take of me is the one they'll use when I retire, the picture they'll use when I die.

I mean, no offense, Judge, but the picture that you have up there right now looks like a dude who d*ed when he found out his VHS movie collection was worthless.

[Sighs]

It is?

I thought it would come back like vinyl.

No, but the point is, you look great.

You look like you.

Here.

You look like a judge that demands the best from everybody that walks through those doors, somebody who lets everyone know that they deserve justice.

Let's take a photo.

Yeah. All right.

Oh, one last thing.

Lose that tie, man. That ain't you.

You gotta rock that bolo.

Tedward, I never stopped rocking the bolo.

I see you.

This bolo, it's all under the tie.

Okay, if this room full of people cannot communicate with Mr. Lin, I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

So will you please ask Mr. Lin what he's doing in front of that store?

[Speaking Mandarin]

Point, point, point. Sound it out.

Running man.

He's trying to start a shoeshine business, but people think he's homeless.

When they give him money, he thinks they want their shoes shined, so he tries to grab their shoes.

And they think that he's trying to steal from them, when in actuality, he's trying to provide them with a service.

It's still loitering, Your Honor.

He is impeding the ability of Saladictatorship to do business by scaring away the customers.

Even more so than their name already does.

He didn't know he was doing anything wrong.

Well, the state will consider a dismissal, but he still has to pay the fine.

Mr. Lin... what's happening over here with Mr. Lin?

He said this man has the genitalia of a small chicken.

[Laughs]

Oh, a chicken penis!

So tiny.

Tom, not only am I not going to fine him, but we're going to help Mr. Lin out... that's right.

We're gonna pass the hat, and we're gonna raise some money to get Mr. Lin a permit and a sign.

Yeah, I will start.

I've got a few pairs of shoes in my chambers.

Tell him to set up at the tower on Sepulveda.

He'll get good traffic there. Yeah?

Case dismissed.

Oh, chicken penis. You know what?

It is a pleasure to watch you work.

Thank you, sir.

Everyone deserves to be heard, even if it does take about eight people to get it done.

Mm-hmm, everybody except Gary.

Oh! Drops mic!

[Imitating crowd roar]

Tedward, how many times have I told you not to drop the mic?

[Sighs]

Pick it up.

Thank you.

And turn it off, please.

[Groans]

Hey.

Hey, Gary, thanks for coming by.

Yeah, no problem.

I was just testifying down the hall for a guy who dry-humped a bunch of mailboxes.

Mm.

I gotta say, I understand his behavior more than I do yours.

I know. I know.

I'm sorry, Gary. I just started... I don't know.

I-I started to feel like a cat in a cage, you know?

It's like... it's like I'm an exotic tiger, right?

Like a Bengal tiger, right?

And I need to roam in the jungle and be free.

But I felt like you were like a poacher, right?

And you were just coming in, like, all boom!

And take my tail and make some kind of medicine or... or worse, like, a keychain.

You can't use my tail as a keychain, Gary!

Oh, uh, wow.

Yeah. Yeah, wow. You see?

Like, I gotta be... I gotta, like, go... mm... out of the cage.

Right? I wanna be roaming in that tall grass.

I wanna see something.

I wanna take it down. I wanna hunt.

I wanna be free and, like, have fun and sun myself and...

Okay, okay, I feel like whatever we have, you are this close to bailing on it, so there's something I need to do.

Whoa, whoa, Gary, did you not just understand this whole cat story?

Rebecca... what's your middle name?

Gary...

Okay.

Rebecca Gary Wright, will you never, ever marry me?

What?

I wanna wake up in the morning in an empty bed because you're already gone.

When you're sick, I want to be somewhere else.

Anywhere else.

And when we are 75, I wanna look across the table and see a 25-year-old.

I want the same for you too.

Rebecca, I'm not thinking about the future, but you are cool, and you're hot.

And damn, girl, you mad flexible.

[Both laugh]

Oh, girl.

Girl.

Gary, man, you...

You're good.

Good.

You got a deal.

Let's just have fun.

I love it.

Okay. I love it.

[Chuckles]

I mean I love it, not you.

No, no, I get it.

Okay.

To never knowing each other.

Mm.

Whoo!

Nice.

Whoo! Ah! I want another sh*t.

You want another sh*t?

Oh, yeah, let's go halfsies, though... cleaner that way.

Aw, Gary. Gary!

What's up, Tedward?

Seems like you two are back on track.

100% committed to noncommitment.

Which is perfect, you know, 'cause it's what we both want.

Yeah. Yeah.

Look at Rebecca making out with that dude at the bar.

What?

Ah! Aha!

Tedward, all right, okay.

No, I was not finished yet. Ah-ha!