01x06 - Equal Pay

[bunniefuu]

Of course you can do a book report on a comic book.

It's got the word "book" right there in the name.

Okay. Who should I pick?

Uh, Superman... the best immigrant story ever.

The guy's not from here, and he's gonna save everybody.

No way. Batman's cooler.

Dude, Superman's got real powers.

Any idiot could strap on a tool belt and call himself a hero.

Morning.

Hey, Felix.

Hey.

Dad, Cris just said you were like Batman.

Oh, I love Batman.

He's rich enough to afford his own place.

Hey.

Daniela: Morning.

Hey, Daniela, I'm sorry I can't drop off the kids today.

Oh, I can drive my own kids to school.

And yet, I always seem to do it.

Got to go... I've got an early sit-down with Mr. Culpepper.

How can you call that a job if you don't get paid?

You know [Scoffs] I help out with the kids, I cook, I clean... I don't get paid.

What's that called?

Freeloading.

Family.

Trent: Well, good morning.

Ha ha, smells like justice.

Aww, thank you, daddy, but it's actually Chanel.

[Chuckles]

I wear the knock-off version... "Channel."

All right, I've got you interns your next assignment.

[Groaning]

Oh, my God, daddy.

All we do is work around here.

I know. It's almost like it's a law firm or something.

We will be handling an equal-pay sex-discrimination case.

It is Rachel Pearson V. Sierra Independent Bank.

Cristela, you should be familiar with discrimination.

Because I'm a woman?

Well, if you want to fire off that g*n first, sure.

I was gonna go with the non-white thing.

That's a very nice way of saying "Mexican."

Ah.

Now, Rachel Pearson is a female department head at the bank who discovered that she was getting paid less than one of her male betters.

Unbelievable.

And she is suing for lost wages, claiming that they can't pay her less due to her gender.

She should get that... plus.

That's it.

Their credit-card offers will go unopened by me.

In any event, on behalf of our client, Sierra Independent Bank... we are gonna annihilate that money-grubbing broad.

What? We're representing the bank?

W... what they're doing is wrong.

No, no, what they are allegedly doing.

If you're gonna be a lawyer, you know, you're gonna have to say a lot of things that you don't believe in.

Noted.

I love your tie.

Really? Thank you.

You know, you wouldn't figure that Jimmy Buffett would make a quality ti... ooh.

I see where you're going with this.

All right, I want you all to pull case work that is in favor of unequal pay for women and prepare briefs.

[Sighs]

Codifying equal pay could actually hurt a woman who deserves to make more than a man.

I mean, the company would only be obliged to pay her equally, therefore cheating her out of her potential earnings.

[Sighs]

That was exhausting.

Very impressive, Maddie. You should write that down.

[Laughs]

I don't have a pen.

I have a pen. I... I can write it down, sir.

Yeah, no one likes a brownnose.

In my house, it's just a nose.

So, something weird happened at the law firm... that was a great story.

I'm doing research on a sex-discrimination lawsuit.

Cristela, don't use that word in front of the kids.

I didn't mean "sex" like sex sex.

You know, I mean "sex" like the sex that you are.

Keep talking.

[Laughing]

Keep talking.

Cristela, don't say the word "sex."

Ay, now I'm saying it.

Out. Out. Andale.

The crazy part is we're representing the bank that's being sued because they don't pay women as much as men.

You know, I like it when women bring home the bacon.

Nobody's questioning that.

Men should make more. Their jobs are harder.

Right, mi amor?

Did you all know they put up a stop sign over by that intersection the one by the park?

Geez, Felix, do you want your daughter to break the glass ceiling or just clean it?

Hey, can we go back to that part where you talk about - that sex thing again?

Oh! Ay!

I see. Yeah, out, out, out.

Go to your own house. Now. Go.

You see, Daniela doesn't mind that I make more money,

'cause she knows it's my job as the man.

¿Verdad, mi amor?

The hope is, with the new stop sign, that there will be less accidents.

Yeah, huh? We all know how stop signs work.

Besides, if they wanted to be paid more, then just try harder.

That's how it works in this country.

Try harder? That's it?

Oh, more people should know about that.

Let's go out and spread that around.

All right, real fast... you're in a burning building.

Who do you want saving you a fireman or a firewoman?

A... fire... person.

You imagined a man.

No, I'm just imagining you inside a burning building.

Didn't anything Felix say at dinner bug you at all?

I don't have to speak my mind about every little thing.

Keep it bottled up... one day...

[Imitates expl*si*n]

You'll be that crazy old lady, the one we saw at the store with too many items at the express lane.

Oh, the one who jumped the counter and choked the register girl?

Mm-hmm. Mom can't shop there anymore.

Well, sometimes keeping things bottled up is good, Cris.

You don't understand how marriage works because you're still buying those superhero dolls.

They're action figures.

And they're little men I can control.

And stop changing the subject.

You know, you only do that when you're covering up something.

[Chuckling] No.

Yeah.

No.

Uh-huh.

No.

Oh, yeah.

Like when we were teenagers, and I walked in on you kissing Ernesto.

Oh, you made it all about how I shouldn't be wearing vests.

Well, you shouldn't wear vests.

I like having pockets above my waist for my stuff, okay?

And that's not what we're talking about.

You know, every time we talked about women making as much as men, you just... wait a second.

What are you hiding?

[Drawer slams]

Was I not clear?

Vests are mannish.

Daniela.

Do you make the same money as Felix?

No.

Daniela...

Do you make more money than Felix?

Define "more."

You know what "more" means, Daniela!

Okay, yes.

Yes, I make more.

Shut up!

It started five years ago.

I've been getting a raise every year since I became a manager.

Hey, Felix!

Felix!

Shh! Cris, don't!

[Breathes deeply]

You just let him sit there like stedman talking trash about Oprah.

Mnh.

Felix can never know I make more.

Oh, how does he not know already?

He's so smart.

I'll tell you.

I buy gift cards.

And then I tell him that I win them at work.

We've been eating the brand-name cookies for a while now.

I knew they tasted better.

Sometimes I buy things at regular price, but I tell him I got them on sale.

Why would you do that?

Ay!

Because I want Felix to feel like the provider.

I want Felix to feel manly.

I like it when he feels manly.

Ohh, gross.

I lie out of love, and that's how marriage works.

By lying and sneaking around?

Marriage should be about being equals, about being honest with each other, having no secrets.

Oh, single people can be so funny.

I protect Felix by not telling him.

It's even in the marriage vows...

"to have, to hold, and to protect."

Uh, I think you're confusing the marriage vows with Batman's pledge to Gotham city.

Hey, it takes two women to do the dishes.

It would only take one man.

You still riding high from rinsing out that coffee cup last week?

Hey, this isn't just me.

It used to be that both men and women knew their place.

But now society expects a woman to have a job, work all day, come home, and cook and clean for her man.

Ohh, society.

Josh, can I ask you a hypothetical question?

Yes, in theory.

[Elevator bell rings]

Would it bother you if your wife made more than you?

Of course not.

Scarlett Johansson can make as much as she wants.

Scarlett?

It's hypothetical. I can marry whoever I choose.

I want to marry Clint Eastwood so I'll have three years of being Mrs. Clint Eastwood, and then I'll get $100 million.

I found out last night my sister makes more than my brother-in-law.

So? What's the big deal about that?

She didn't tell him because she doesn't think he can handle it.

What is he, a caveman?

He's not there yet.

He's Latino.

He thinks he needs to be, like, the man of the house.

But your sister works, right, and he's okay with that?

Yeah, actually, he's one of the most open-minded ones of the family.

His father thinks that all women that wear pants are gay.

Mnh, not all women. It depends on the pants.

But, honestly, secrets in a marriage can be okay.

I mean, my parents kept all kinds of things from each other.

Yeah? How did that work out?

Pretty good. You know, my mom got everything she wanted in the divorce, and I got a pony, so...

When my dad left, I got a job.

So, I started a search for arguments like the one Maddie made yesterday.

When you factor in maternity leave and lost time for ob-gyn appointments, a study shows a slight overall downtick in productivity for women.

You know, I solve this problem by not having health insurance.

Also, if you put a bonus system in place, you are allowed to have overall gender inequality in pay.

Doesn't that bother you, Maddie?

No, not really.

You know, as a woman, I've learned that you have to rely on your own hard work.

I mean, it's all you have left after the trust fund runs out.

[Chuckles]

Ohh!

I love you, daddy. [Smooches]

Okay.

Can't wait to see what you guys have cooked up.

You know, cases like this are the backbone of this firm.

And it takes a lot of courage to represent a corporation against a lone woman.

You're so brave.

Someone's got to look out for the big guys.

There's only 1% of us.

You know, this case isn't really about fairness.

It's about how salaries are determined in the free market.

We do this so hard work gets rewarded.

Yes!

You work hard, you get paid well.

Or in some instances, you get paid nothing.

For instance, my instance.

Okay. Talker goes first.

What did you come up with?

Well, uh, to be honest, I find it hard to fight for something I don't believe in.

So, do you want to be like all those other people out there who have principles, or do you want to be an attorney?

I want to be both.

Aww, that's adorable. [Chuckles]

Oh, good morning, jefe.

You're in a good mood.

You're not still upset?

Does it look like I'm upset?

Look, I wasn't saying that women can't do everything men do.

I'm just saying that they won't be as good at it.

Well, I guess that explains why all real men make more than their wives.

Exactly. [Chuckles]

Good morning.

Oh, mi amor. [Smooches]

I was just explaining to Cristela why it makes sense that a man should make more than a woman.

And because I'm a woman, he had to explain it to me so many times so that I could understand.

Well, the important thing is that you understand it now, and you can leave for work.

Yeah, Cristela, hurry to that job where you don't get paid.

Felix.

No, no. Come on.

She's worried about a woman making less money at a job where they don't pay her at all.

[Chuckling]

Felix.

She borrowed money to go to college.

Do you ever think about that?

She spent money so that now she can make no money.

That's enough, Felix.

No, no.

I work very hard to support her and put a roof over her head, and we all know who pays the bills around here.

Daniela makes more money than you do!

Cris!

Is this true?

Have you been providing for my family behind my back?

Could we just call this my birthday present?

Hey! I visited that new stop sign!

I went over to see it last night after you ignored me and went to bed.

Ohh!

It totally worked!

So, you didn't run the stop sign.

You just run your mouth.

Nice.

Come on. You nailed it.

[Chuckles]

Did you have any idea what would happen after you spilled it?

I do now.

You keep things to yourself to spare other people.

And then, much, much later, when it's your time, you have stories to say on your deathbed.

Look, I'm sorry it came out the way it did, but it was the truth, a... and he'll get over it.

Hey! Here's my buddy!

Ha, ha ha, ha ha.

I'm fine, okay? Let's not make a big deal.

So I married up. Whoo. I'm the big winner.

Hey, dad, do you have to make breakfast for mom now?

Who told Henry?

I... I... I will take him and find out.

Look, Daniela, it's not that you make more money.

It's that you hid it from me.

You're right. I'm sorry.

It's not just that. It's...

You make more money!

I work hard, Daniela.

I know.

And when I come home too tired to do much around here, I think it's okay because I'm the one bringing in the money.

Felix, my money has helped us...

I mean, like when the car insurance went up.

[Smacks table]

When did it go up?

It's not important.

[Sighs]

Ohh, can I just say how happy I am to see you two communicating?

Stay out of it.

Okay. [Laughs]

[Door closes]

Hey, what's up, everybody?

I'll be in the truck.

No, Alberto. I want you to stay.

Forever?

No.

Just until Felix and Daniela aren't mad at me for telling Felix that she makes more than him.

Ay!

Cállate. Shut up.

[Laughing]

Daniela makes more money than you?

[Laughs]

That makes you the chick in the relationship.

Eres la vieja.

[Laughs]

Hey! That means I get to drive the truck now.

[Laughs]

Hey, man drives, right? [Chuckles]

I'll be in the car, mantenido.

[Laughs]

He's right.

Ohh, society!

We're ready to present.

Shh!

We're ready to present.

No, I meant shut up entirely.

You heard him. See you guys Monday.

Okay, Cristela, what do you got?

I got nothing.

I-I couldn't bring myself to build a case for the bank.

But I came up with some very compelling arguments a... against the bank.

Going rogue, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Little bit of off-roading.

Sounds like something I'd like?

[Chuckles]

Do you?

No, I don't.

But y... you admire that I stayed true to myself, right?

No, I don't.

What about you, Josh?

You got anything, or do you have principles, too?

None at all, sir.

What I do have is a pretty strong angle on the case.

I stayed up all night building a powerpoint presentation.

If someone could just hit the lights...

Leave the lights on. We settled the case yesterday.

Well, thanks for the opportunity, sir.

And you're lucky the bank settled.

You know, I did start the assignment.

I found out Rachel Pearson, formerly Rachel Maddox, sued her last five employers, including burger farm for making her wear overalls.

And that didn't change your mind about our position?

I still believe in equal pay.

Good news... you and Josh are making exactly the same.

Why did the bank settle?

Because you don't want to have every fight in court.

Not every argument is meant to be aired publicly.

Even if it's true?

Oh, especially if it's true.

I mean, what kind of neanderthal wants to get up in court and say that women aren't worth as much as men?

Well, I know a guy.

The point is that there are better ways to solve this.

And in this case, money talks. The problems go away.

So that's the moral of the story?

No, no.

The moral of the story is I made $80,000.

All right, let's see. Come on, "Bachelor."

Hey, you know, I tried out for this show.

And they still went with the Brazilian racecar millionaire?

Ooh.

[Chuckling]

Yeah.

They chose money over good looks.

[Sighs]

Felix, if you're mad at me, fine, but don't be mad at Daniela.

I mean, how long are you gonna let $50 a week keep you upset?

Wait, $50?

That's how much more Daniela makes than me?

Yeah, and you're the boss of the company, so why not give yourself a $51 raise?

Money talks.

Yeah, well, where's that money supposed to come from?

Well, some heartless corporations cut their employees' salaries.

Alberto...

Hmm?

Do you remember when you busted my butt about Daniela's salary?

Ah, the day you became a chick.

[Chuckles]

I'm gonna have to cut your salary by $51 a week.

To do the same job I was doing two days ago?

[Chuckles]

Who's the woman now, Alberto?

That was very nice of you, Cris.

I'm a nice person.

Who is sometimes wrong and has to clean things up.

The thing is, I...

I actually make more than $50 a week more than Felix.

I know.

I was trying to make Felix feel better.

Oh, lying to a man to make him feel better.

You might be good at marriage one day.

I'm gonna wear a vest to my wedding.