04x09 - Thanksgiving IV

[bunniefuu]

Friends, ex-girlfriend, Winston, months ago I warned you that winter was coming.

And for the cold and wretched days ahead, I stressed our need to take lovers and take them quickly.

Jess: Your head is huge.

(chuckles) Your hat's the size of a garbage can.

Nick: You look great in that hat, man. What a hunk.

Jess: You look like Jewish Pharrell.

Th-Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Okay, now, winter is now here.

And I vow that we will not miss our final opportunity for sexual realization in 2014.

Did you steal my belt buckle, you Silly Billy?

Enough out of you, Winston!

Silly Billy? Dude.

If you unzipped your face and an old white woman popped out, I would not be shocked.

Really?

No.

I would.

I would be very surprised.

That is why this year we will not be celebrating Thanksgiving.

Instead, we will be celebrating...

Remember last Thanksgiving when I almost d*ed?

(others agreeing, chattering)

Bangsgiving! We'll be celebrating Bangsgiving!

Why can't you let me just have this, you guys? Please.

Okay. You've been talking about this for, like, a week, Schmidt.

We get it. Let's just pick names already. Jess, I can't believe that you are into Bangsgiving.

I just want to meet a guy so I can forget about Ryan.

Just date him, Jess.

'Cause I'm his boss, and it's against the rules for me to date him.

Just date him. It's a dumb rule.

It's against the rules.

Take the hat.

Oh.

Now, whosever name you pick, that's who you'll be bringing a date for.

And no date leaves until everyone is laid.

I just want to meet a nice fella.

Can I have permission to send them home without sex?

No, you do not.

I think everybody's date should be able to leave.

Nick: Yeah, your plan sounds a little kidnappy.

What's the rule on that, Winston?

Eh, gray area. We're good.

Winston is in. My man. And, okay, nobody say who you picked. It'll ruin the surprise.

Oh, crap. You picked me.

No! How'd you know?

And now you're gonna set me up with you, aren't you?

Cece, I-I know that this holiday is a bittersweet memory for your people, Wrong kind of Indian. but, please, do not take that out on me.

Okay, well, I picked you, too, so I want to re-pick.

No re-picking. And no more telling.

So, listen up, uh, for whoever picked me, I just want you to know that I have really gotten into feet lately, so do with that what you will.

No one do anything with that.

Can I just say no mustaches?

I'd like someone tall.

She's got to have an ass.

Can I just reiterate the whole feet thing?

I want to say who I picked so bad.

I'm looking for a fake redhead. With a medium-sized neck.

I just want to be slapped around.

So, Pearl, I told Winston that you work at my school.

And, um, Winston is about to become a cop, which you've probably already gathered from the fact that he pinned his badge to his sport coat.

What? (chuckles)

How did that get there?

Let me freshen your drink. (chuckles)

Excuse me a second.

(whispering): Hey, Coach. Coach.

Look at what Jess brought me.

Oh, Pearl? Yeah, she's great, man.

Hey, come here. You got something on your face.

Really? What is it?

It's, like, right...

What were you thinking, bringing me that girl from the police academy?

What's wrong with Pepper?

Allow me...

(chuckles) Arms!

She's jacked, dude. You should've warned me you were setting me up with one of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

I'm sure she's not that bad.

Whoa.

Where was she when I was cracking walnuts for the stuffing?

Look, she's fantastic. She's beautiful.

You're gonna love her.

Now, if you jerks will excuse me, this Bishop's got to capture himself a queen.

She's doing push-ups.

For your lady.

Thank you. Thank you very much, Jess.

Pearl, she's... Yeah, she's great.

What grade does she teach?

Oh, she doesn't teach. She's the lunch lady.

You said the lunch lady?

Yeah.

So where exactly is this "date" of mine?

All right, I invited Lucy, like you asked.

Your date's name is Geoff and he will be here. By the way, he spells Geoff with a "G," so you know he comes from money.

Nick: Well, I think the real difference is crocodiles are man-eaters and alligators...

What in the bloody hell?

Uh, hey, Nick. What is Tran doing here?

Oh, well, I picked my own name.

So you said to bring somebody. So I thought it'd be weird if I didn't bring someone. So I just brought Tran.

You brought an old Asian man to my sex party so it wouldn't be weird?

Relax. He didn't come empty-handed.

He brought a game. It's like Thailand Monopoly.

Yeah, all the squares are jail except for one piece of property which we all have to fight each other for.

But don't get caught in the Red Light District.

This isn't a freaking game night, Nick.

Okay, chill out.

(knocking) You... You're making a mockery of this holiday and you know it.

I didn't mean to make fun of Thailand, if that's where you're from even.

Hey.

Lucy.

It's so good to see you.

How are you?

Oh, I'm great.

Lucy? Lucy's here with Schmidt?

Where's my set-up, already? I'm looking at the menu, and I see a lot of skirt but no steak.

I think that Coach picked you, so watch out.

'Cause I'm sure he's gonna bring one of his clients or weird, like, gym buddies.

(whispering): Ryan.

What?

Ryan. Ryan.

Ryan-Ryan?

He brought Ryan. Oh, God.

I don't think I can even look at him, like, without getting pregnant.

He just oozes sex.

Good holiday to you! I've come with biscuits!

(groaning)

Hey, hey, hey, Schmidt, Lucy?

I-I used to date Lucy.

Oh, I know, bro.

I met her that day you gave me the pass to your gym.

Hey, do you have any snacks?!

Yeah, you blew her off. I didn't think it would be a problem.

Oh, it's a problem. I'm telling you it's a problem.

And I forbid you from dating her, so... (whistles) cut it off.

Grounds?

The statute of limitation hasn't expired.

You dated her three years ago for, like, two and a half months.

The statute is very specific. 1,000 showers.

After that, no claim. And if you think I've showered 1,000 times in the past three years, then you're out of your mind.

Did you ever spend more than $65 on her, not including tip?

It's tough. There were a lot of coupons involved.

Did you ever watch her dog?

Trick question: she had fish and I k*lled them.

You ever get her a gift?

Every time we had sex.

(laughs) No claim.

(laughs) No claim?

Hi, Nick. It's been a long time.

Lucille. Great to see you.

Do you still like to eat, uh... popcorn?

I guess so.

Oh, you see that? I know her foods.

You must have spoiled her, huh?

You know, if you'll excuse us, I'm gonna give Lucy the tour.

Come on, Lucy.

I'm calling my penis "the tour."

My tour's more satisfying.

His is all about him. Mine's about you sometimes.

Hi.

Hi. Uh, thanks for inviting me tonight.

I-I didn't realize this was a singles party.

Oh. No. Uh, s-sorry.

Did Coach say that with a Sean Connery accent?

Did he say "shingles"? 'Cause he was...

He actually meant shingles. Like the... Like...

The... Everybody here is a roofer.

Look, the last time I saw you, I kissed you.

I know that. We both know that.

But this can't happen. Are we attracted to each other? Yes!

Do I sing Oasis songs to myself, and pretend that they were inspired by your love for me? I do.

But my job is to enforce the rules.

And I love my job, and I worked hard to get it. So this cannot happen.

Is that why you locked me in your bedroom, and undone the top button of your dress?

I didn't undo the top...

Well, I did...

But that was an accident. That wasn't for you.

It was for me.

I just need to know that you will respect the rules and that this will go no further.

I'll do my best.

Looks like you missed a few.

What?

Okay, I summoned everyone to the roof because Bangsgiving is in peril.

All of you are focusing on things that have nothing to do with getting laid.

Let us please not repeat the mistakes that we made at my Eight Nights of Hump-akah party.

Now, what is the freakin' problem?

Coach did the opposite of what I asked.

Come on, Jess, you guys would be great together.

It's a dumb rule, all right? Dumb rule.

At least he turns you on. Pepper makes my ding-dong and my ping-pongs go into my body.

Can somebody help me with this keg?

Yeah, sure.

Pepper's got it.

(grunts)

What if she doesn't know her own strength down there, and she mushes it, or, Be a nightmare. like, rips it off and throws it across the room like a hot dog?

That's nothing. Jess brought me a hot lunch lady.

What am I supposed to do with that?

Do sex with the lunch lady.

Wait.

That's obvious. I have a real...

I know how it sounds. I know how it sounds, but she's a... like, a real lunch lady.

That's hot.

A woman that's willing, ready and able...

Nick: That's not an issue.

After she has sex with you, she can put food in your mouth.

That's not a problem at all. I do have a real problem.

Schmidt is trying to sleep with a woman I've already slept with.

Well, at least he has a date, because mine never showed up.

Geoff is coming! Apparently, a wild peacock got loose on the freeway, and is holding up traffic.

Now, you guys, we have guests downstairs.

And if we don't get back to them soon, they're gonna get spooked.

Um, so, have you always been from England?

I'm not going downstairs until Schmidt agrees to not sleep with Lucy.

Okay, yeah, sure. Never!

According to the statute, if you two can't agree, we take it to a vote.

The winner gets the girl, the loser gets five grilled cheese sandwiches.

Nick: I'll agree to that.

Let's do it.

All right, all those in favor of Schmidt not sleeping with Lucy, raise your hand now.

I don't care.

Couldn't care less.

Raise 'em up.

Put 'em up.

Huzzah! Warning: tonight things will get loud with Lucy.

But don't worry. I'll have her jam a sock in my mouth right before I see angels.

Okay, guys, what about me?

Get your own sock.

No. What am I gonna do about Ryan?

Just have sex with him.

Look, bang one out, get it out of your system.

I don't do that.

You should do that.

You should bang one out.

Yeah, makes the most sense.

What?!

Nothing else has worked, okay, and the best way to get over a crush is just to do something about it.

I don't know.

Plus, he's British, so you know the sex will be weirdly polite.

(with British accent): Do you mind if I finish now?

He doesn't sound like Oliver Twist.

(British accent): Do you like that? Is that good, eh?

All right. Here we go.

One... really? Two... what?

Do you mind if I do it like that?

Hey, you like it when I do it like that, eh?

That was spot-on.

All those in favor of Jess doing Ryan, raise your hand.

(talking quietly)

Oh, he's trying to mess with me?

Here I go.

Cecilia.

No, you cannot have my beer.

(laughs)

Nick: You think I'm going after the beer.

You okay?

Mm.

Okay, great.

(groans)

(talks quietly)

(phone buzzing)

(gasps)

Happy Bangsgiving.

(whispers): Close the door.

Oh, my God.

Is there nothing underneath that apron?

Just a little white meat looking for some gravy.

That probably wasn't very sexy. I shouldn't have said that!

No, it was very becoming.

I'm totally confused about these oven mitts.

How else am I supposed to take a hot dish out of the oven?

These mitts were a bad idea.

What, uh, got you in the-the, uh, holiday, uh, sp-spirit?

Well, I like you, you like me.

Why don't we just... bang one out of our system?

Bang one out of our system?

It sounds really bad. I get that.

And I hear it now, it sounds awful.

But we just bang one out of our system, and then, we can go back to our strictly professional relationship, and I can stop thinking about you all the time, which I do.

I didn't come here to bang one out.

Well, you know what I mean.

Look...

I care about you.

Well...

Jess, I'm crazy about you.

Ryan, look. Oh, God, it's so complicated.

Can I just put some pants on when we talk about this?

It is complicated.

This would have been worth it.

Oh, God. Ryan. Ryan!

Oh, God!

Nick: Oh! Yeah!

(hooting, whooping and overlapping chatter)

Oh, no!

Freaking Bangsgiving.

Schmidt: No, I actually put those in there myself.

I'll tell you, I wouldn't eat asparagus though.

It makes your pee smell.

(laughs) Mmm.

Hey, Cece, I got that $20 I owe you.

It's, uh... it's in my bedroom.

Okay.

Yeah, it's right this way.

You're really sexy for a Jew.

Not now, woman!

Wait. What?

Who needs men? You don't need a man.

You can lift your own furniture.

Hey, Pepper.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

I am so sorry. You approached my blind spot.

Your money is in her somewhere. Let me just find it.

Great.

Oh!

What's the matter? Did you hurt yourself?

No, it's just not there. Let me... Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

Ooh, ohh, that feels so good!

When I'm looking for your money, it feels so good.

I love that!

(loudly) You nasty woman! (softly) Cause you are making me give the money to you.

Oh, Cece, you love this!

Getting your money.

What exactly are you doing right now?

Getting your money.

You are definitely not getting my money, in no world you have my money.

I was flirting with you to give Schmidt a taste of his own medicine, okay, and it's a huge mistake and insulting to everyone involved, and I'm sorry.

Yeah, and also he would never fall for that, at all, okay...

You are a dead man Miller!

Don't, don't.

I'll choke you to dead.

I'll choke you to...

Barely fighting. Schmidt, nothing was going on.

He was just trying to make you jealous.

Please, I know that!

He would never hit on you.

You are on my Never List.

I know she...

Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing?

You pissed me for bringing Lucy, and you bring Tran as a date?

Leave Tran out of this, he fought in Korea.

I don't know which side, but I know he is a w*r hero.

You couldn't find one of those drunk girls at the bar?

The ones with no family or friends. That's your sweet spot, man.

I know, I could have. I didn't want to.

Why not?

What kind of women have you been sleeping since you and Jess broke up?

Terrible ones.

And how does that make you feel?

Terrible.

Then reaaly good.

Expected, expected.

There you go.

And then immediately after terrible.

Just gonna put this out there, but I think you'd probably rather like to sleep with someone who doesn't make you feel terrible, but, you're just a little afraid of getting hurt again.

Nah, it didn't sound right.

You know, growing up we had this lunch lady named Miss Wheaton.

One day, I cut in line, so I can get actual tater tots.

And as punishment, she made me eat the entire tray.

In front of her.

While she's stared at me, for a long period of time.

And I'm not sure if you know how hard that is for a growing boy.

How old were you?

I was 18.

(chuckles)

If it helps, we're called lunch monitor now.

No one says lunch lady anymore.

(chuckles) Kind of like how you can't call little people "shrinkies".

Oh, lunch monitor Pearl, I like you.

Excellent form.

You don't have a hard job.

So, I saw your butt earlier. It's been holding up nicely.

It does the trick.

And I noticed, uh, Ryan left.

Yeah. Ugh! It's so embarrassing.

I kind of came onto him, and he told me he wanted more than just sex.

He wanted more than sex and that's a bad thing? How?

Well, look, I'm his boss.

We could get sued, and I could get fired.

There's a reason it's against the rules.

You gotta br... okay.

Remember when we tried to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

Okay, I stick by that... that kid is not a hero.

All he does is break rules. What's so great about that?

You're taking Rooney's side. No one takes Rooney's side.

I'm a vice principal... Rooney is my people.

Ferris hijacks a parade.

That is an act of terror.

You want to know what I think, 'cause you're not going to like it.

What?

I don't think this is about breaking rules.

I think Ryan scares you.

You like him, and you're going to have to put yourself out there again, and that scares you.

But look, life moves really fast.

And if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you just might miss it.

Is that from Ferris Bueller?

Yes, it is.

Okay.

It's a terrific movie.

All right.

And I delivered it perfectly.

It was pretty good.

What are you doing here?

You're fired.

(laughs) Just kidding.

Oh, God.

You left without eating so I thought, um...

I'd bring you a pie. Well, most of a pie.

The guys ate some of it. That's a lie.

I ate-I ate-I ate a piece on the way over.

I-I ate two pieces.

Three pieces.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Would you like to come inside?

No, um, I came here to say something and that this...

I want more, too.

This dish is empty.

Okay. I ate the whole pie.

Look, I don't know what I'm doing or where this is going (sighs) and I'm scared, but... it's worth it 'cause it feels big.

And that's why I'm going to leave right now, and we're going to take it slow.

Wow.

Well, tonight is Bangsgiving, and I have to honor my American traditions.

It's my duty as an American...

I think I'm going to stop being afraid and start dating.

You probably knew all along, didn't you?

If only I could meet a girl like you, Tran.

Your face, your brain... throw it in a dress.

Oh, daddy, I'd be with her forever.

I'm getting off topic.

Thanks for the talk. I feel a lot better.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tran, are these all yours?

Come on, man.

I thought you were switching to white wine.

How do you think you're going to get home now?

You're not driving, so how are you going to get home?

(knocking)

Hey.

Are you Nick?

You the guy who's obsessed with my grandfather?

Grandpaps, you ready to go?

Hey.

(screams)

Ah, ah, ha... hey.

I'm taking off. Um... sorry I body-slammed you but this doesn't feel like it's working out so I don't really want to waste our time.

Look, Pepper, um...

I think you're beautiful, and very nice.

I just, uh...

You know, I'm not used to... dating women that are stronger than me.

How do you know that I'm stronger than you?

Do you want to arm wrestle?

Yeah, like I'm that insecure that I have to prove my masculinity by arm wrestling a girl.

(yells) Come on.

Ready?

Yeah.

One, two, three.

(grunting)

(yells)

Yes! That's how you do it!

That's how it's uh-uh-uh done!

(moaning)

(giggling)

Thank you for letting me win.

Sure. Anytime.

Well, Lucy left.

Turns out she's a bit of an anti-Semite.

Hmm.

Yeah, looks like we both struck out.

Okay, Schmidt, there is no Geoff.

Come on. But to honest, I'm kind of glad there isn't.

You know, Thanksgiving should be spent with the people that you care about.

Let me get you a beer.

By the way... you're on my Never List, too.

Hi.

Are you Cece?

I'm Geoff.

Um, I'm Schmidt's friend.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I hit a peacock on my way here and then I held it in my arms until it d*ed.

It was horrible, but also kind of uplifting.

Um, anyway, I brought creamed spinach.

(speaking Hindi)

♪ It takes time ♪

♪ You worry too much ♪ (panting)

(panting continues)

♪ All those sunny days ♪

(grunts) Yeah! (laughs)

♪ You worry too much ♪

There's my number. Gr...

Tran! Hey, would you hit that. Maybe...

Yeah.

♪ 'Cause nothing is real ♪

♪ When you're all alone ♪

♪ 'Cause nothing is real ♪

♪ My mother told me so ♪

♪ Don't let the sun kiss your lips ♪

♪ She knows all of the tricks ♪

♪ Let the sun kiss your lips... ♪

Ed Rooney.

Ed. This is George Peterson.

How are you today, sir?

It's not him Rooney.

This movie should be called "The Day Rooney Trying To Do His Job".