03x19 - And the Kilt Trip

[bunniefuu]

Happy St. Patrick's day!

Guinness and Irish cream cupcakes for everyone!

Enjoy your blackout!

These are the last 12 cupcakes.

Actually, two of them are just potatoes from the diner.

At some point I started putting green icing on anything I could find.

Max, we haven't been so busy since someone spray-painted free sex stuff on the wall outside.

And you said I'm not good at marketing.

Happy St. Patrick's day.

Bridget, Patrick, John, Mary, and you, the little one, come over here.

We're here to pick up our order.

Huh. Should be here to pick up birth control.

Coming right up.

Max, I know I told you I hated St. Patrick's day because the only people who go out are drunk trash...

We prefer to be called "intoxicated garbage."

But that was before I knew that drunk trash carried cash.

Nobody gonna pinch me today, 'cause I got all this green.

[laughs]

Oh, money's involved, and all of a sudden you're Erin go Bragh?

Or in your case, "Erin go training bra"?

Who wants cupcakes?

Children: Yay!

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

[cash register bell dings]

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

It was so worth being open this morning.

We can use this St. Patrick's day money to spring for some new pillows.

Or even just pillows.

Or just go to a bar and fall asleep on a couple of fat guys.

Okay, how much did we make? Show me the money.

$351!

Show me the rest of the money.

Fine, I took $3.

That's it?

Fine, I took 5.

Can't a bitch get a foot-long?

But we worked so hard.

I have so much green under my fingernails it looks like I had really good sex with shrek.

What other kind could you have with him?

Green guys make black guys look like white guys.

I love St. Patrick's day.

Tell me one good thing about it.

Top o' the mornin'!

Look, it's a Lepre-Han.

So what do you think?

I'm concerned. If you're out here, Who's guarding [irish accent] your lucky charms?

You laugh now, and probably all night long, but with this costume my chances of getting laid are higher than ever.

So zero?

Nope, 100%.

What makes you so confident?

'cause the only answer I can think of right now is that you have cocaine in your wee pocket.

Hey, I can see it.

You're out drunk on St. Patrick's day, And it seems like a good idea to bang a Leprechaun.

Like the Presidents' Day I hooked up with a guy dressed like uncle sam at the used car lot.

This costume is my ace in the hole.

Well, it does make you look like an ace hole.

Nice outfit, Han.

You look like a pimp I used to use in Vietnam.

Come on, let's hit the parade.

Look, Oleg, this is America.

You could have an accent or a suspicious package, but you can't have both.

Relax. It's just my inventory.

I'm gonna sell t-shirts.

That is revolting.

Put me down for five.

You might also be interested in my other choice product.

Pee funnels.

I might also not be interested in that product.

It's a disposable funnel for upwardly mobile, elegant, Young ladies who want to stand and pee in the street like a man.

I mean, have you seen those parade port-a-potties?

Seen 'em? I was conceived in one.

Just slip one of these babies into your pants And go pee in the park, no muss, no fuss.

Well, a little muss, some fuss.

And possibly a very unpleasant paper cut.

That's revolting.

Put me down for five.

Better make it six, 'cause if it's for ladies, Han's definitely gonna need one.

Max, barhopping with a horny Leprechaun And a pee funnel salesman?

Not exactly my scene.

Can't you just go with Deke?

This is boyfriend stuff, meaning he's gross like you.

I know, but he's snowboarding somewhere called vail with something called a family.

Here, we gotta lay down a layer of grease to absorb all the booze we'll be drinking tonight.

This'll hold us over till our 3:00 a.m. street meet, Which'll hold us over till our noon-30 rooty-tooty fresh and fruity breakfast.

Come on, start layering.

I miss my old St. Patrick's day tradition.

Wanna hear it?

Hell, no.

Well, from 16 to 21, my friends and I...

Boys were there too, Even though technically they weren't allowed...

By 16, I was thrice divorced and a member of the electricians' union, but go on.

We'd rent a big suite at the plaza overlooking the parade, And we'd fill balloons with champagne and...

[cackles] and throw them down at the parade crowd!

So fun, right?

Oh, wait, that was you guys?

One year you hit me and my friend archie.

He sells car seat covers in Rhode Island now.

He's doing pretty well.

Max, why are you dragging ass on the night I'm supposed to get some?

Stop talking about sex wearing that body. It's gross.

We've been stuck in traffic for, like, an hour.

I could've had 37 Guinnesses by now.

And broken the Guinness World Record for most Guinnesses.

Is this cab even moving?

Is that a new McDonald's or the same one?

It's the same one, Unless that bum's on a masturbation tour of Manhattan.

Come on! Make 'em move! Hit the horn again! [honks horn]

If you touch my horn again, I cut your hand off!

Okay, big sh*t.

Do it. Do it, if it'll get us there faster.

Look, I know I said I'd spring for a cab, but it's $70!

And I'm gonna need that for a junior king room At the holiday inn express!

Don't worry, Han, we'll chip in.

No, we won't. We need that $356. That's all we made today.

It has to last till we're 82. This is our funeral money, Max.

Don't worry, we'll make more money.

Not much more, but a little bit.

[bagpipe music] Damn it!

I can hear the bagpipers coming this way.

They're playing closing time. That means the parade's over.

Now I'm never gonna sell the pee funnels.

All right, I gotta move some t-shirts.

Heads up, peoples!

"Kiss me I'm Irish" crotch tees. $15.

Or two for 25! Five for 60!

You nobody!

You can't sell those out the window.

That's illegal. You need a permit!

Just drive, grandma.

I can't believe you call yourself Russian.

Doesn't seem like you're rushin' anywhere.

You say that again, and I'll cut your tongue out!

Oh, now you're gonna cut out my tongue?

Why do you want to punish all the women in the tri-state area?

[bagpipe music]

Look, oh, my God, it's Earl!

Earl, what're you doing here?

Hey, y'all!

This is my bagpipe group Black Irish.

I'm black, they're Irish.

Why didn't you tell us you were coming to the parade?

Well, I kinda like to keep my skirt wearing on the D.L.

When did you learn how to play bagpipes?

I do not know.

I took too much acid once, and, when the trip ended, I could play the bagpipes and drive a stick.

I'll catch up with you at Blarney's.

Han, pay the man.

It's ten blocks away. We can walk.

(both) In these shoes?

Ugh, green beer.

Is this really how we honor the Irish, Some of our greatest writers and poets?

Oh, did they come up with, "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie, wipe the seatie"?

First of all, not a real poem.

And as the person who shares your bathroom, Maybe take that advice.

Maybe take that frown and get it drunk.

Okay, sure, we're two young girls on the town On what's probably America's most dangerous holiday.

Why... why have our wits about us?

That's the spirit.

And who knows? Maybe you'll meet a cute, Irish guy.

Happy St. Paddy's day!

Blarney Bill.

Are you the owner of this colorful establishment?

I'm not even the owner of these pants.

Where's me kiss?

[smooches]

Blarney bill is like the mascot of this place.

Every year I kiss him for good luck.

And when does that luck kick in?

Where's me kiss?

I left it in me other purse?

Wow. That's a wet moustache.

Scotch and fish.

What?

That's why it's wet! [laughs]

Man, he's the best.

The best what?

Hey, girls!

Sold my last shirt.

Hey, told you that small would fit.

Look at han at that table with all those...

I want to say "girls..." waiting to take pictures with him.

Mm, Becca!

Be-becca!

Over here.

Oh, no, you're not Becca.

Hey, though.

Are you guys in line to take pictures with the Leprechaun?

No. $5.

Wait, what?

Ah, yes, we are the Leprechaun's McAgent and McManager.

It'll be $5 to take a selfie with the Leprechaun.

That is a great deal.

Max, I am not doing this.

Fine. Then we'll have to use the cupcake money for our cab home.

Okay, that there is virgin Leprechaun.

So it's $10.

10 for a picture, 15 for a kiss, nothing below the waist.

That's 'cause there's nothing below the waist.

Will you take a 20?

I mean, I guess.

Just so you know, if you're an orphan, I'm interested.

Are you over here making money off of me, You wolves of Wall Street?

We're just taking advantage of drunk people.

It's a St. Paddy's tradition, Like corned beef or punching a cop.

Well, then maybe you can get them to take advantage of me.

Get a little handsy on hansy.

I've got my eye on that buxom paralegal.

The one over there who brought in outside chicken?

Hook daddy up!

So I'm going up to the woman who brought her own two-liter of coke to a bar to ask her for money to touch you.

That's the gist.

What's happened to my life? Where am I?

Blarney's!

Oh, God, it's Blarney Bill.

Hey, that's my name!

Where's me kiss?

Oh, well, I...

I have to go to the ladies' room And wash whatever is on my mouth and in my mouth off my mouth and out of my mouth.

We've been in this line so long, now I actually have to pee.

Max, are you eating chicken?

She didn't have 10 bucks to tickle Han, So she paid me in purse chicken.

I think I came out ahead.

Uh, sorry, back of the line. No cuts.

Please. I'm feeling sick.

Sorry, no cuts, no buts, no coconuts.

Is that one of those famous Irish poems too?

I totally understand. Yeah, I get it.

Just let her cut. It's St. Patrick's day.

She's having fun.

Not to bring up my St. Patrick's day tradition at the plaza...

Oh, good.

But it was so much better than this place.

I mean, there were no lines.

We'd sit like non-animals in the palm court and sip Bellinis.

I'm taking you to palm court if you tell that story one more time.

Guys.

I just threw up.

And you're carrying it around like a baby chick?

I-I think I'm gonna need some water.

I have to drive a school bus in four hours.

You're a great American.

I know what I am.

(Blarney Bill) Ahem!

Oh!

Where's me kiss?

Uh, she has it.

Ah!

[smooches]

Dodged a b*llet.

b*llet found ya.

Come on. I have to find another bathroom.

I'm not peeing anywhere near Blarney Bill.

I don't want him to find "me kiss" when I have me pants down.

I gave him your number. Is that cool?

Oh, no. I don't think I'm gonna make it.

You mean in life? Yeah, me neither.

No, it's all that green beer.

And if I wet myself here on 53rd street, I'll be forced to abandon you, move to the Midwest, And start a new life.

I have a bathroom you can use.

I've hit some very low points today, but I'm not about to pee through a paper penis in public.

Here, quick, just pop a squat over here behind the float, I'll block you so no one'll see, And the 15 high school marching bands'll mask the sound of you hitting rock bottom.

Gimme that thing.

Damn it, Max. Damn it!

How do I do this?

Well, I do have my master's in public urination from Devry.

Just unzip, put it in your pants, and let a river run through it.

No one's looking, right?

Nope.

[engine starts]

Hi, Caroline.

Sophie, you were in the parade?

Of course I was.

You can't be a volunteer firefighter without being in the parade.

You're a volunteer firefighter?

Well, I do go down to the station voluntarily.

Besides, every fire station needs a pole, And I'm it, baby.

Anyway, we're all going to Blarney's.

sh*ts on me.

And by that I mean sh*ts on me.

[all cheering]

Come on.

When the firemen's pole offers you drinks, you say yes.

Max, I am not going back in there.

In fact, I'm treating you to a drink at the plaza.

You know that money we were saving for our funeral?

That's no longer an issue because I just d*ed right then.

Rest in pee, Caroline.

Look, Max, our Bellinis.

Thank you, Claude.

He's a plaza institution.

And I just remembered his name is Rolph.

You forgot the name rolph After we just saw a girl do that in her hands?

Isn't it lovely here?

Less Blarney's, more Barney's.

And trust me, these Bellinis are famous.

Why? Did they make a sex tape?

Ooh, kind of tastes like the time I put canned peaches in my boxed wine.

Max, a plaza Bellini is a far cry from boxed wine.

Well, my rule is, if I have to refrigerate it, it's fancy.

I'm talkin' to you, batteries.

You know, tonight is really bringing up How much I miss the old me.

Yeah, tonight is really bringing up how much I miss my friend Archie.

Who?

The guy you hit with the champagne balloons.

Sells car seat covers in Rhode Island.

You know how I said he was doing really well?

Truth is I haven't talked to him in a year.

Really dropped the ball.

And the most exciting thing about this place...

Those elevator doors can open, and you never know who's gonna step off.

[elevator dings]

[gasps]

Max, this is nice.

Max, this is boring. What happened?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Now I'm thinking maybe this wasn't as much fun as I thought it was.

Now I'm thinking Archie's dead.

'Cause I feel like I got a text about it and ignored it.

Even this Bellini doesn't taste as good.

I knew it, my taste buds must have committed su1c1de after my first 7-Eleven sushi.

I mean, nothing is the same.

Why did I think this was fun?

Because before you met me, you didn't know what fun was.

I get your point, Max, But I did own a Caribbean Island with six jet skis.

Oh, come on, get over it. Drink up. It's not that bad.

Can you just let me feel sad?

No! Not on St. Patrick's day.

You have a good time, and you don't think about your problems.

That girl who threw up in her hands, She didn't sit around saying, "Eh, meh, my life sucks."

No, she threw her hands in the air, Hit a lot of people with the vomit, and kept the party going.

Yeah, the party was all over everybody's shoes.

Look, it doesn't matter that this is literally the stupidest place I've ever been in my whole frickin' life.

Let's get another $40 Roberto Benigni and keep our party going.

Come on, let's go. There's no party here.

There may be a $3 million bat mitzvah happening upstairs, but there's no party here.

But I do know where there is one.

We'll just take the check, Rolph.

And I just remembered his name is Dennis.

Max, I'm sorry if I rained on your parade today.

Well, peed on it.

Don't worry about it.

Everything that means something to me gets peed on.

Hey, girls! I heard you left!

You missed me winning the hula-hooping contest.

When did you learn how to hula-hoop?

Once again, I do not know.

You're still rocking the bagpipe ensemble.

I thought you wanted to keep your skirt wearing on the low-low.

That was before I discovered the sensation of a cool breeze circling my bag and my pipe.

Hey! Max, Caroline!

Excuse me, move it. Move it. Move it.

Hey, move it. Wanna break my big-ass clover?

Girls, where did you go?

We went to the plaza, and I realized my life may actually be richer now than when I was rich.

Oh, no. Is it too late to walk away?

Can you girls loan me some cash?

I met a girl, and I need money for the bus back from her sister's condo in Jersey City.

She said we've got to be quiet, but I make no promises.

Sure. I gotcha, Han. What do you need, a 20?

Oh, what the hell? Take 50. We can always make more.

Or not.

Look at you throwing the cash around.

You know, girl, there might be hope for you yet.

Jeanine, I'm good to go.

Told you, girls. 100%.

Looks like they're both gonna get unlucky tonight.

Hey, Max, Caroline, over here!

I save ya a couple of seats.

And a couple of firemen.

Uh, there's no place to sit.

Oh, you are so green.

'Sup?

Happy St. Paddy's day! Where's me kiss?

Oh...

Mm...

Scotch and fish!