03x24 - And the First Degree

[bunniefuu]

Max, I have a surprise, and it's right behind you.

Before I turn around, is it Oprah?

'cause I will die.

It's a diploma from pastry school.

No, seriously, what's the surprise?

I'll even take Gayle.

You would've graduated if the school hadn't closed, and Oleg knows a guy who fakes documents, so...

You're a pastry school graduate, And I'm a real estate agent and a French citizen.

I'll be able to show houses in France.

And how are you getting there?

I'm also a licensed pilot.

Look, I am not a pastry school graduate.

I'm not even a high school graduate.

The only thing I graduated from was a scared straight program, which is why I'm not gay anymore.

Max, you really didn't graduate?

I always thought you were kidding about dropping out of high school, Like when you say that Howard Stern is your dad.

'Cause he is. Look at our eyes.

And I did drop out.

I was like, "Later, suckas. I'll find a water fountain somewhere else."

Water fountains? Gross.

In private school, We never bent down to put our mouths on something unless it had a yacht.

I didn't need a piece of paper from high school, and I don't need this fake piece of paper, because I don't fake things.

Except orgasms with guys who don't know how to yank hair good.

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh [cash register bell dings]

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

(woman) Well, I'm glad you called back, you slimeball.

[laughs]

Oh, good.

When you weren't here when I woke up, I got worried.

So worried you decided to eat cookies and watch Mama's Family?

We all grieve in our own way.

Guess I should cancel the strippers.

So I found out something interesting today that has to do with you.

Aw, crap, you found out what happened in Orlando?

Why? What happened in orlando?

Don't tell me you slept with Mickey Mouse.

Well, I slept with someone with suspenders and four fingers.

I'm assuming it was Mickey.

Either way, it was heaven.

Well, I found out that you're not the badass you claim to be.

I talked to your old high school principal, and he said the only reason you didn't graduate is 'cause you failed to show up for one history final.

My high school's still standing?

Guess I didn't flick that cigarette far enough.

I cannot believe you'd inv*de my privacy like that.

inv*de your privacy?

You shave your junk with the door open.

So?

To the apartment.

Well, maybe you'll change your mind when you find out that the principal...

Your old history teacher, Mr. Huck... said you can come back and take the test this Friday, and if you pass, you'll get your diploma.

[knock at door]

If that's Mr. Huck, I will m*rder your face.

Max, please don't k*ll me.

I can live here, but I can't die here.

Hey, girls.

I got Google Glasses.

See, right now, I'm looking at you and ordering tapioca on Amazon.

Now is not a great time, Sophie.

Max is upset with me because I'm trying to help her graduate from high school.

Aw, you're sure she's just not upset with you 'cause of the way you chew?

I'm sorry I have to chew, everyone.

I found out Max can go take one history test in her hometown, and then she'll get her diploma.

Max, you know I've never been a big fan of hers...

But I like the idea of you getting that degree.

I mean, I'll never live down not graduating from school for the deaf.

You're not deaf, Sophie.

I know. It was really hard.

Well, I don't care who she called, 'cause I'm not gonna do it.

And if Mr. Huck thinks I would ever step foot back in his Mr. Know-it-all university, I have two words for him.

"Huck U."

That's what Mr. Huck said you'd say.

He also said that senior year, you sold "Huck U" T-shirts and that you have no ambition and no follow-through.

That's when I knew he was really your teacher.

No ambition?

I made enough off those shirts to do nothing for, like, a month.

Look, I got two bus tickets to Rhode Island.

I didn't even know you could buy bus tickets ahead of time.

I thought you just showed up, and if you looked like you made enough mistakes in life, they let you on.

(Sophie) Come on, Max.

I haven't waited this long to hear someone say yes since I was at school for the deaf.

Fine.

Fine, I'll go.

But only because Mr. Huck thinks I won't.

Aw, okay, well, I'm gonna let you two start studying.

And in full disclosure, I watched some p*rn during this conversation.

See ya later.

Hey, Max.

Caroline told everyone the good news about you going back to take that American history test.

Good for you.

Yeah, I started studying last night, and on behalf of all white people, I would like to apologize for everything ever.

Well, apology accepted for everything ever except for sl*very and the gap.

Here, Max, I brought you the history book which I'm studying from for my citizenship test.

Aren't babies automatically citizens?

I don't know why I root for you.

Here, your country has a very rich past, unlike Korea, which had its past stolen by the Japanese.

Han, we are not talking about European history.

We are talking about American history.

Oof, you're going to be working here forever.

Good luck, lady.

Okay, Max, I've come up with a way for you to work and study at the same time, like when you shop and steal at the same time.

I know, when they show it to me on those security cameras, I'm always impressed.

I mean, I really don't know anyone else who's doing it.

[bell dings]

Max, pick-up. Burrito for table eight.

Ugh, jeez, I just walked in.

Why do I have to have all this burrito drama?

First, Caroline says I have to quiz you every time you come to the window, so...

Who was the sexually virile male pop singer responsible for the hit song Jessie's Girl?

Rick Springfield.

Burrito's all yours, smarty.

Oleg, no.

You have to ask questions from the flash cards I provided.

They're color-coordinated by century and subdivided by president.

Don't look at me like that, Max.

I'm a fun person. I taught myself the Dougie.

Okay, here goes.

Which amendment to the United States constitution Guarantees a woman's right to... vote?

Wait, women can vote?

So when you say women can vote, you mean, like, besides for American Idol?

Max, you think you're not smart, but you are.

You just need to come up with little tricks to help jog your memory.

My memory doesn't jog.

I've smoked so much pot, it's in one of those hospitals learning to walk again.

What was the Great Compromise?

You mean besides you moving in with me?

It created the two houses of Congress.

Hooty-hoo!

Next question: What was the movement against the sale or drinking of alcohol called?

The bowel movement?

No, the Temperance Movement.

And don't mention the bathroom.

I've had to pee since we passed that last town that used to make something.

Just go to the bathroom.

What are you so afraid of?

The bathroom.

I will use a public bathroom.

I will use a public bus.

But I will not use the public bathroom on a public bus.

Next card.

No, give me a twizzler. I know enough.

No candy. Study harder.

You're looking at a solid "D."

Well, my grades should match my boobs.

Next question. Okay.

In what city was The Constitution written?

No idea.

Philadelphia?

Oh, damn it, I almost said that.

It's right there.

Philadelphia makes cheesesteaks.

The Constitution is cheesy.

Why do I doubt myself?

How much further?

I thought Rhode Island was supposed to be a tiny state.

When are we stopping?

Well, we have to pass Cranston, Providence, and then our stop is Hope.

Wait, Max, you were born in a town called "Hope"?

Well, just outside Hope.

And success and money.

[groans] Well, there's no hope for me.

I have to pee so badly.

I'm going in.

Leave the twizzlers.

Here, study.

Oh, my God.

You know the toilet isn't just there as a suggestion.

[yelps]

Wow, North East High.

Never thought I'd be here again.

This sure brings back no memories.

It's cute.

You know, in an underfunded public school kind of way.

Wait, are you in high school?

Oh, my God, I'm 100.

Oh, there it is, 2-C.

Hold on.

Why are you covering those up?

They're the only reason I passed chemistry.

Max Black.

Mr. Huck.

I'm surprised.

That I showed up?

No, that you're alive.

You and me both, sister.

[chuckles]

And you must be Caroline.

Oh, you look just like the girls Max used to give wedgies to in the cafeteria.

Still does.

Oh, ladies, this is Hector.

Hector will be joining us today, As he was not in attendance during exam day.

Ay, yo, Mr. Huck, that's 'cause my sister didn't wake me up 'cause she's a bitch.

Very good.

Ay, yo.

This place is filled with tiny tables, yo.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's teachers and delinquents only beyond this point.

You can wait out there.

Are you nervous?

A little.

I forgot I have a joint in my purse, and I don't want to get expelled.

Max, you can do this.

I think you think you can't, but I know that you can.

Look at me.

You are smart.

What are you?

Smart.

See, you already got one question right.

Okay, kids, put on your thinking hats.

Ay, yo, I thought we couldn't wear hats in the classroom.

I'm going to ignore that, because if I don't, I will weep.

"In 1775, Paul Revere warned which two men That the British were coming to arrest them?"

In the Beastie Boys song Paul Revere,

He had a horsie and a quart of beer.

Sam Adams is a beer, and if you have too much, you end up giving a john a hancock.

Sam Adams and John Hancock!

I wasn't this nervous when I waited for the results of a Hep C test.

Then again, I didn't study for that one at all.

Ay, yo, I think I nailed it.

You failed, Hector.

For real?

For really real.

You even got the answer wrong that Max so graciously said out loud.

Aw, that's cool, Mr. Huck.

Next time, right?

[both chuckle]

Sure.

Max, I'm sorry to tell you that...

I was wrong to doubt you.

You got a "B".

You passed.

You lying son of a bitch.

[laughs]

It's true, Max.

In fact, I went over it three times to make sure I wasn't insane.

Whatever that friend of yours there did to help you, It really worked.

I'm sorry, But I can't stand out there any longer.

I've caused a small pandemic of erections in freshman boys.

I passed! I got a "B"!

[gasps, squeals]

Now my grade matches your boobs!

I'm getting that stupid diploma I said I didn't care about.

You can do more than get that diploma, Max.

Graduation is tomorrow, and if you stay overnight, You can walk with the class in the morning.

Uh, yes.

You want to go to graduation?

That's so me of you.

Well, I busted my "A" to get that "B", and I want to get the whole package.

That's great.

Well, we'll see you tomorrow at 10:00 A.M.

And, Hector, we'll see you in front of the AMPM asking strangers to buy you beer?

I call the bed. You can have the table.

Max, that bed is so tiny, we're gonna have to spoon.

The only spoon that's ever been in this room was hovering over a flame.

Well, it's cute.

I'm not vaccinated for anything in here, but...

It's cute.

And safe.

Yeah, they have cable, and you can rent rooms by the hour, so I used to come here to watch Sex and the City with a prost*tute named Tiny Marge.

She'd bring me banana bread and hang out.

It was fun.

Oh, great.

There's no coffeemaker.

[sighs]

Never mind, found it.

Your mom wasn't worried when you'd come down here?

No.

She was a little jealous that I was hanging out with Tiny Marge without her, but...

The only thing my mom ever worried about was herself.

She's selfish.

She missed my birth 'cause she "had a thing."

Come on, she can't be that bad.

Turns out, you're not that big of a high school dropout, And she's probably not that big of a monster.

I mean, she raised you alone, and you didn't die.

I did actually, twice.

But in fairness to her, she wasn't there either time.

Max, why don't you invite her to your graduation?

And don't say you don't have her number.

I know it's in your phone under "Lady I came out of".

I also know I'm in your phone as "Fart Monster."

That's because I know, like, three Carolines.

No, you don't.

Busted.

Here, I'll dial, you just leave the message.

Here.

No!

Max!

Fart monster!

Just do it. You'll be so happy when you see her there tomorrow.

If we live through the night.

Hey, it's me, Max.

Brown hair, lived in you for 7 1/2 months, due to your inability to read the warnings on the side of cigarettes.

Listen, I'm graduating from high school tomorrow, So if you're not busy looking for pills under the stove or selling the neighbor's cat for beer money, Why don't you come?

Max!

What? That was a first draft.

Hit three, delete, rerecord.

Hey, it's me, Max.

Look, I'm getting my degree tomorrow at the high school.

You know, that's the building between the bar you drink at and the bar you dance at, so...

Hit three, delete, rerecord.

Hey, it's Max.

I'm graduating from high school tomorrow.

If you can make it, it starts at 10:00.

Okay, bye.

See, that wasn't hard.

This duvet is, but that wasn't.

How come they only give you one of these?

Okay, Max, maybe don't say anything else, or they'll take your diploma back.

Okay, graduates, it's time.

Everyone line up alphabetically, and let's make our way.

Oh, and congratulations.

You did it.

Max, you look so smart in that robe.

I'm not that smart.

I just found out you're supposed to wear clothes under this thing.

Max, I never asked you.

You were so close to getting your diploma.

Why didn't you take that test?

I was going to, but my mother kept me out of school that day to go to the mall.

On finals day?

Was there at least a special appearance by Raven-Symoné?

No one good ever came here.

Just like my mother didn't come here today.

There's still time. Maybe she'll come.

Maybe.

I mean, my dad was late to my graduation because his helicopter needed to refuel.

Yeah, that's probably what happened to my mom.

But her helicopter's probably passed out on top of her.

I have never been more confident, because as I stand here and look out at all of you today...

I was my class valedictorian.

I realize nobody can stop us.

Mm-hmm, yeah, I thought that too.

We are the future.

Mm-hmm, sure we are, until you have to pee on a bus in ten years.

[mouthing words]

[mouthing words]

(Mr. Huck) Thank you, amy.

It's hard to imagine not hearing that voice Every day for the next four years.

[nasal, perky voice] Thank you.

Hi, Mrs.... Ms.... Max's mom.

This is Caroline Channing, your daughter Max's best friend and roommate and business partner.

I didn't want to leave this on a voice mail, but I cannot believe you didn't show up to your own daughter's graduation when you are the sole reason she didn't graduate in the first place.

I mean, who takes their daughter to the mall on finals day?

What kind of mother are you?

And all the times I've defended you to Max...

Not to make it about me, but it was a lot...

Saying, "She's not that bad. She's not that bad."

Well, I guess you are that bad. Max is right.

You are a monster.

If you're on your way, we're in the second row.

I have blonde hair.

[pomp and circumstance playing]

[cheers and applause]

Christina Bayers.

Whoo, that's my granddaughter!

Salazar Belmonte.

[cheers and applause]

That's my boy!

Max Black.

[mouthing words]

Max Black.

[scattered applause]

(Sophie) Whoo-whoo!

That's my downstairs neighbor!

Whoo-whoo! Yeah!

So what, you called them all?

Yeah, you know, just in case.

Max, you were right, and I was wrong.

Your mother's really as bad as you said.

Mm, oh, it's not that bad.

What do you mean?

She took you to the mall on finals day.

Yeah, but it was the greatest day we ever had.

We got ice cream, we ate it in the massage chairs at Brookstone, and then a kid fell in the fountain, and we d*ed laughing.

Well, I guess you can graduate high school any day, but you can only watch a kid almost drown in a fountain once.

It is okay that she wasn't there today, because you were.

And none of this would have been possible if you hadn't pushed me.

And that kid wouldn't have almost drowned if I hadn't pushed him.

Little different.

Bottom line, you had faith in me like Thomas Jefferson had faith in Lewis and Clark.

Oh, no.

Now you're both nerds!