01x09 - I is for Ill Communication

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: It was two weeks before Christmas, and Andrew and Zelda had just decided to spend it together in town.

This may be the best idea we've ever had.

Agreed.

And I make the world's greatest eggnog.

It's really just vodka in a mug.

That's my favorite kind.

Um, incidentally, I am a really good gifter.

Not to put any pressure on you, but get ready for one of the top-five Christmas gifts of your life.

It's not a sex coupon, is it?

Not now.

Seriously, I have a secret w*apon, and she's right behind you.

Stephie: I'm gonna help him shop for you, Z.

And because your gift will be in my apartment, too, don't expect puppies, scented candles, or movies with scary covers.

Well, that's not fair.

You are obviously gonna get the better present because you have my best friend's help.

You can always have Stu help you. Hol...

She can see you, Stu. There's a giant window.

Tell her it's "on."

It's on. I don't know.

You know, Stu and I are sort of like...

Like cats and dogs or like Scalia and Sotomayor.

Supreme court justices?

Just say that you know who they are so that I don't lose it.

Oh, right. Those guys.

Who?

Seriously, don't even worry about it.

I'm perfectly happy settling for a sex coupon.

Okay. Tell Stu I'm in.

You guys, tomorrow is Christmas break, which means that for the next two weeks, parents nationwide will be asking their unmarried kids, "what's wrong with you," driving them to Internet-date.

And if we have done our job right, they'll choose Wallflower.

Now...Bikes!

[Cheers and applause]

Everyone take one bike.

Merry Christmas and enjoy your holidays, guys.

Enjoy! Lydia, we have a problem.

[Sighs] Oh, my God.

Irene Wallace has been on our site for three years.

She has spent $14,000 in the pursuit of a mate, and all she has to show for it is a handful of failed dates.

I thought you said you had a problem, not a hilarious story.

I just found out that she's doing an interview with The Huffington Post...

[gags]

Where she's gonna share her disastrous experience here at Wallflower.

But 40% of our sign-ups are over the holidays.

Bad press now could crater our earnings.

I just invested in a bike shop.

Anyone who touches one of those loses their health insurance.

Step away from the bikes.

Most of them don't have health insurance.

I smell crisis.

If you value your vacation, you'll come with me right now.

Move it! Move it! Move it or lose it! Move it!

Hustle! Hustle! Move it up!

This is a crisis, Howard.

We need to put together a team of dedicated employees willing to put aside their holiday plans until we solve this.

Those crafty little cowards.

We need people, Howard.

Where'd everyone go?

There's been a crisis. Go. Go, go, go, go, g...

Dinesh.

Oh.

Lady Dinesh, Ron Howard...

Phones.

Thank you for your sacrifice.

What?

Narrator: Andrew and Zelda will date for six months, two hours and 12 minutes.

This television program is the comprehensive account of their relationship...

From A to Z.

Zelda: I could get him a waffle maker.

Are you kidding?

Andrew eats waffles for breakfast.

What?

Because I already got him a waffle maker.

Okay, uh...

What about something... uh, sports-related?

Oh, yeah, like anything sports-related. Yeah.

Like, uh, let's get him the Stanley cup.

Okay. How much is that?

Look, you just keep it simple, all right?

Just make it awesome, like this vintage turntable I got him.

Yes, right. Okay.

I saw that first, and I was gonna get it for him, and then you jumped in front of me in the line.

You... I can't wait to see his big eyes light up when he opens it on Christmas day.

[Chuckling] Okay, I'm done.

Zelda out.

We have been here for hours, and all you do is, uh, ding my ideas.

Oh, when you're not dinging me, you're gift-blocking me.

I will admit it... we got off on the wrong foot, but just give us some time, all right?

I'm sure that Andrew and Stephie have not exactly hit the ground running.

You think she'll like it?

She'll love it.

[Cash register dings]

Done.

Cocktails. [Chuckles]

I really appreciate your effort in trying to bond... excuse me.

But I think that it's very... are you Santa?

[Chuckles] I'm really sorry.

It... it's okay.

Yes, I am Santa, but I'm here undercover as a guy named Stu to see what all the good boys and girls want for Christmas.

I want an Xbox.

Yeah?

Well, let me ask my lovely elf, Zelda, if that is possible.

Yeah, I think that we can arrange that, Stu.

Boom!

Yes!

[Chuckles] Yeah!

Woman: Okay.

Let's go. Thanks.

Have a merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Look at you.

I get mistaken for Santa like four times a year.

The men of my tribe...

They look good in the beard, and we have the jolly body.

Oh. It's the Bartokowski curse.

Uh, can I ask your professional opinion on something, Santa?

Yeah. Do you think Andrew would like an Xbox?

[Chuckles] Now you're talking.

Yeah!

Whoo! Whoo! [Chuckles]

Cheers.

I really appreciate your help today, Stephie.

Zelda and I are sisters from different misters.

[Chuckles] And she's clearly important to you.

[Chuckling] I mean, spending Christmas together after just two months... that's huge.

[High-pitched voice] Yeah, it is.

Why did you say it with wide eyes and a high-pitched voice?

Did I? I hear it now.

No thanks are necessary, Zelda.

You know, Andrew and I are like brothers from another mother.

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

And I can also tell that this "spending Christmas together" thing is really important to you guys.

Yeah.

[Camera shutter clicking] What?

Maybe it's the whole Santa vibe that you're throwing down right now, but I feel like I can open up to you a little bit.

[Normal voice] Honestly, I don't want to.

You don't want to what?

Spend Christmas with Zelda.

I, uh, don't want to spend Christmas with Andrew.

Holy sh...

"Shalom" is a word for "peace."

[Camera shutter clicks]

Well, if you don't want to spend Christmas with her, then why are you doing it?

Well, we were at the Glendale galleria last week, and they were lighting their huge tree.

And Michael bublé's "let it snow" started playing.

I mean, his voice...

It's like a friend is hugging your ears.

Mm. I guess I got caught up in the moment and suggested that we spend the holidays together.

And I said yes...

Because it just felt so right in the moment.

But the thing is, I always spend the holidays with my family.

I have never missed a Christmas with my dad, even after he moved to Houston with...Barb.

My mom and I... we got a lot of issues.

She's nuts, but it is the one time of year where she... she makes an effort.

I mean, Zelda bought us Christmas stockings.

And he hand-sewed our names onto them.

Uh, I taught him how to hem.

He did a passable job. I cleaned it up.

I'm just worried that this whole thing is gonna crush him.

He's very sensitive. He is.

That's why I never told him I accidentally k*lled his turtle, Shelby, in the 4th grade.

God, it feels good to get it off my chest.

She had a lot of defenses up when we met.

She let her guard down in a huge way.

Yeah, and she never does that.

If you tell her how you really feel about Christmas, she may well just retreat back into her shell.

Like Shelby.

Like who?

My turtle.

He disappeared when I was a kid.

Oh.

Stu: So, first of all, all of the shadows on the moon are wrong.

Zelda: Hmm.

And then there's just a soda can laying next to a rock.

So, it's kub...

Hey, um, listen.

You can't tell Andrew about what I said.

Okay. Okay.

No, I am serious.

Is the best relationship I've ever had.

Okay.

And I really care about him, and I don't want to screw it up.

Okay. You're seriously hurting me.

Your hands are like chip clips.

I'm serious.

If anything were to mess things up with Zelda, I don't know what I would do.

I won't tell her anything. Relax. Okay.

Zelda: Hi. Hey!

[Chuckles] Hi.

[Chuckling] Hi.

Mm. So, how was it?

It was perfect.

Great.

I wish it were Christmas right now.

Aww. Me, too.

Me, too.

I love Christmas.

I love Christmas.

I can't wait to do Christmas to you.

I can't wait to do Christmas.

Me, too.

Me, too.

Lydia: Okay, no more bathroom breaks, all right?

You guys, this is ridiculous. We need to focus!

We've got 18 hours to find Irene a man on our site so she changes her mind about airing our dirty laundry.

Status? Go!

We've made her the first profile that appears when anyone looks for a date on Wallflower.

And there's been interest, but whenever men reach out, they get weird messages back.

"I have a tomato garden. L.O.L."

"The bank repossessed my corolla. L.O.L."

"I had a six-foot tapeworm removed. L.O.L."

I don't like to talk badly of other women, but she seems straight-up crazy pants.

I was hoping it wasn't gonna come to this, but somebody is gonna have to get on Wallflower and ask her out.

Well, I don't think it's ethical to ask an employee to do that.

Which is why I didn't ask you.

Lora, show Howard his profile.

Per your orders, we tried to make him as un-Howard-y as possible.

[Chuckles] It's... that's...

[Laughs]

Oh, nipples.

Your name is Buck Dakota, and you like unfiltered cigarettes and base-jumping.

I can't... no. I'm not comfortable doing this.

Please?

Please?

Your co-workers deserve their bikes, and my bike store deserves a sh*t.

[Sighs] Okay, fine.

[Clears throat] I won't let you down, Lydia.

Good!

Oh, and, uh, by the way, it says that you're 6'6", so, uh, make sure to get to the restaurant early, and don't stand.

Hey, I never got to ask you.

How did your little shopping trip with Andrew go?

Fine. Yeah, um, he's very closed-off.

Doesn't reveal much about himself at all.

Huh. He's a mercurial, brooding...

Hmm...Fellow.

By the way, um, Andrew just texted you saying, "thanks for not telling Zelda about Christmas."

A-Andrew said that?

[British accent] What about it?

It's... gonna make some more new tea... more tea for me.

Hey, man. You up for watching the kings game with me later?

Zelda doesn't want to spend Christmas with you.

What?

And I k*lled Shelby.

I tried to give Shelby a hug, but I dropped him.

Then I scooped him up to give him a kiss, and he bit my lip, so I instinctively just threw him against the wall.

Can we just put a pin in Shelby for a second?

I did, but he was unresponsive.

I thought I was the only one having second thoughts about Christmas.

That's great. You guys are feeling the same thing.

You should tell her.

But now I'm having second thoughts about my second thoughts.

No. You know what?

Yes, I'm gonna do Christmas with Zelda.

It's all I've ever wanted all along.

So, uh, are you sure you're not just feeling, like, freaked out and insecure?

Nope. This is gonna be the best Christmas ever.

I was thinking of making a nativity scene.

Which one do you think will make the best baby Jesus?

Do I look Christian to you?

Howard. How did it go?

I want all the details. Well...

I haven't been on a date since the aughts, and it's been longer since I've been to a not-a-chili's restaurant.

And the waitress comes over to Irene and I, and she says, "we do things a little differently around here."

So I was intrigued, and I turn to Irene, and I say, "well, what's that supposed to mean?

Do they pay us to eat?"

She didn't laugh, either.

The food was something called tapas, which must be Spanish for "still hungry."

Now, that she also did not laugh at.

Lydia: So, basically, you pulled a Howard, and now we're all screwed.

Not at all.

We had a great time, and she's agreed to not do the interview bashing Wallflower.

[Chuckles] Yeah!

Okay!

Yeah, right?

I didn't know you had a reverse Howard in you.

Wow, you've saved the day.

Does that mean that we...

Yes, you can leave and take a bike.

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Thank you for taking one for the team, Howard.

Now, I was thinking tomorrow, we could start with a deep dive into the budget.

Oh, tomorrow is, uh...

I have lunch with Irene tomorrow.

Why? You've succeeded.

Why pull a double reverse Howard?

Well, Irene and I actually really hit it off.

We've even talked about spending some of the holiday together, maybe rent a B&B up in Ojai...

A place that accepts pets.

I have a salamander.

But you and I always work over the holidays.

You know what? Forget about it.

Go hang out with Irene. [Chuckles]

I call her Reenie.

I don't really care what you call her.

I'm just so glad that you've found someone.

I'm so happy for you.

Oh, thanks, Lydia. Thank you.

Take care. Oh, you, too.

Enjoy.

[Elevator bell dings]

Have fun.

That wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be.

[Cellphone vibrating]

Hello?

Stu: We have a problem.

Stu, I blocked your number.

I know. I have a burner phone.

Andrew and Zelda both want to go home for Christmas, but my boy's kind of losing it here.

So if you could send your girl over here to fix it, that'd be great.

I mean, she's the rational one.

[Scoffs] I don't know about that.

Just get her over here quick.

It looks like Santa Claus threw up all over my house.

[Knock on glass]

Thank you. Thank you for coming.

I know you both missed your flights, but the servers crashed.

Everything seems to be fine.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Listen, since I've got you both here, quick question.

Sit.

Howard saved this company by going on a date with that tomato-loving cretin, so why do I feel so rotten inside?

Did my heart stent fall out?

It sounds like you're having feelings.

For Howard. [Laughing]

[Chuckles]

No.

[Chuckles]

He's middle management. He smells like a couch.

He writes "Downton Abbey" fan fiction. He's...

Your work husband.

What? No. Don't be ridiculous.

Jimmy, the hot sparkletts guy, is my work husband.

Yes, he is.

I'm making him peppermint bark for Christmas.

No. Jimmy only comes around once a month.

You're around Howard all day.

Every day.

If you spend enough time stuck together with someone at work...

You start to like the way their Hawaiian shirt smells.

Or the soothing sounds of their robotic voice.

But at the same time, you want to k*ll them in their sleep...

Or while they're awake. That part's fungible.

So, wait... do you guys have work spouses?

[Chuckles] No. We haven't found ours yet.

Mine's Jimmy, the hot sparkletts guy.

♪ Jingle bells ♪

Andrew: Everything's so beautiful.

Yeah. I don't know why we don't just leave these up all year-round.

Narrator: It was four days before Christmas, and Andrew and Zelda were engaging in an old holiday tradition...

Pretending they were happy when they weren't.

Oh, my God, look at this picture of you when you were 10!

[Chuckles] I was 18.

More eggnog?

Sure.

I'd love some more.

Great.

Oh, mmm. Thank you again.

Mmm. [Gags]

Mmm. That is real good.

Excellent.

I'm gonna just put it down.

This is weird.

Yeah, I feel the sexual tension, too, but this is not the time.

What?

We can go into the bedroom. How about the trunk of my car?

I think we should intervene. This isn't healthy.

Well, they'll never be honest with each other.

It's clear.

Zelda: That's cheating. [Chuckles]

Andrew: Why?

Because, uh, you open a Christmas present on Christmas morning.

This whole thing of opening one the night before...

That's... that's a little...

It's a little tacky.

No, it... it gives you a taste, and then you're... you're jonesing for the rest.

What, so gifts are heroin?

If they're heroin, then yes.

I already compromised with you about the star earlier, so...

Okay, that's because the angel was creeping me out.

Her eyes were following me all over the room.

Everybody loves that angel, and everybody loves googly eyes.

I don't know who "everybody" is, 'cause it's real creepy.

Can you just do, like, one thing that I want to do?

Because I already agreed to spend the holidays with you.

Oh, you... you think you're... you're doing me a favor?

Because I don't want to be doing any of this.

I don't either.

Great.

Good.

Good.

Awesome.

Cool beans.

I'm gonna go home and buy tickets before the prices become prohibitive.

S-so am I!

[Sighs] It reminds me of my family Christmases.

Shut up, Stu.

[Chuckling] Ooh, that's the stuff.

Yeah. Now tell me I'm too fat to play the violin.

[Sighs] Come on.

How do you make a stupid column?

Go to "format cells."

Select "column." That should do it.

Howard. What are you doing here?

I thought you and "Reenie" were on your hot second date.

It didn't work out. It's all over.

Oh. What happened?

Well, we were at her house, and everything was going great.

We were getting very close, and we moved to her bedroom.

[Sighs]

And as she's closing the door, she looks at me, and she says, "we do things a little differently around here."

Then what happened?

I don't know.

I woke up, and all the lights were on, and Irene was gone.

The room smelled like marinara sauce.

There was not a tomato anywhere.

And here's the weird part... I looked at my watch.

No time had passed.

Oh, my God, Howard.

Yeah.

I left before I arrived.

How is that even possible?

I don't know, but I got the hell out of there.

[Sighs]

[Sighs] Drove straight here.

The 405 was a mess. Took sepulveda.

That's a great call, but why come here?

We have work to do.

The budget.

[Sighs]

Merry Christmas, Howard.

For me?

Peppermint bark.

I love peppermint bark.

Man over P.A.: The Burbank Bob hope airport would like to remind you that there is no parking at the white curb.

The white curb is for the immediate loading and unloading...

So, you're gonna have, like, a real conversation with Zelda before you go, or are you just gonna pretend like nothing's wrong?

Do you want to have a real conversation about Shelby, because...

Hey, man. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Have a safe flight.

Ooh, well, have a great time.

You, too.

Now, did you remember your phone charger?

Yes.

And your contact-lens solution?

Yes, I took care of everything... all of it.

Sure about that?

Um, it says my gate is that way.

Yeah. Uh, well, okay. I guess this is goodbye.

I'm really happy that you're gonna get to spend Christmas with your dad.

I am, too.

Say hi to your mom for me.

I will.

Okay.

All right. All right.

Bye.

Bye.

Hey.

I am sorry about our fight.

No. I'm sor... I'm... I'm sorry. I am.

How did that happen?

It's my... it's my fault, okay?

I-I was being insecure.

When I found out that you wanted to go home instead of coming with me, I guess, in my head, I-I thought maybe I liked you a whole bunch, and you didn't like me as much or I don't know.

I felt the same way, but that's bananas.

It's bananas.

Right?

Yeah.

You know how I feel about you.

Yeah, and I you.

I mean, you know I'm... I... you're... I'm down with you.

You're the best.

Yeah.

Okay.

I don't think there's anything else we need to say, right?

Other than... I don't know... uh, well, "merry Christmas."

[Chuckles]

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

♪ Burning on the bridge and turning off the lights ♪

Okay. All right.

♪ Maybe it's all we got, but it's all I need ♪
♪ You're all I need ♪

[Smooches]

I love you.

I love you, too.

♪ The tears are coming down ♪
♪ They're mixing with the rain ♪
♪ I know I love you ♪
♪ If that's all we can take ♪

I tell you, man... we don't make any of our own stuff anymore.

Pretty much all of it is sent over to China, and they are making toys at gunpoint over there.

You want a graphing calculator?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna give you is a gym membership.

Santa here was born with scoliosis and a hairy back.

Tim Allen movie... it was good.

It was very good. Very accurate. Pretty much.

Tim Allen actually kind of shadowed me for a while to kind of learn the role.

Very sweet guy... not a monster.

[Deep voice] Ho ho ho ho!

[Normal voice] Is that good?

I sound like jabba the hutt.