02x11 - Old Alabama

[bunniefuu]

Did you have a thing for Lemon Breeland?

Yes, a long time ago.

But there's nothing between her and me anymore. I love you!

Marry me?

We were in love once.

Lord help me, I still think I am.

I can't believe you had the audacity to tell Ruby she wasn't the love of my life!

I will never forgive you for this.

Oh!

Shelby?

Brick?!

Never speak of this.

Would you maybe consider being my actual boyfriend?

I know that I am a handful, and...

Greetings. This is Dash DeWitt for the BlueBell Blawker.

It is exactly 250 years since Cyrus Lavinius Jeremiah Jones and his wife Lucille's wagon broke down on the side of this very road.

And as BlueBell prepares to go back in time to celebrate our oldest couple, all anybody seems to want to talk about is our newest.

Hey, what are we even doing up?

Can't we just go back to bed?

You have to go to work, and I have to go to work.

But I have tomorrow off.

And I have a great idea.

Hmm?

I was reading in the paper that there's orange picking up in Fairhope.

And I thought we could go spend the day.

You know, bring a blanket and some wine.

Hmm, maybe we could pose for a J.Crew catalog, too.

Please, please, please, please?

All right, look, I'll do it for you, but we're bringing beer, not wine.

And I expect you to show me some serious gratitude afterward. Uh-huh.

(laughs) Okay.

Oh, yeah. You know what I mean?

You know what? It's a deal. (laughs)

We'll have a good time, I promise.

All right.

People eat here, you know?

Ooh, my bad, man.

You know, it was her idea.

I am a stickler for the health code.

Do I look amused?

I got problems.

Southern Living just called.

They're doing a story on Pioneer Days.

And why is that bad?

You've been wanting Southern Living to do a story on BlueBell for months.

Well, you know, ever since Ruby left, I've been a little...

Crabby? Depressed? Depressing?

Distracted.

I kinda dropped the ball on my Pioneer Days responsibilities.

I got no one to play the founding couple.

And Delma, who's supposed to cater First Feast...

First Feast?

Lucille and Cyrus cheered up the settlers with a big first feast.

It's right there in the name, Zoe.

Please, try and keep up.

Anyway, Delma must have lost her taste buds because the mutton she brought over for me to sample, it tasted, well, like, mutton.

Look, Lavon, I know you're going through a rough time, so Wade and I will do whatever we can to help. I gotta go.

Oh, thank you.

You two are the best.

Anything for you, buddy.

You can pick up your costumes this afternoon.

What? No, no.

We would be happy to play the founding couple if it helps you out.

Yeah, what she said.

I gotta go. Um, I left your car at the car wash.

And thank you again for the loan yesterday.

No problem.

I'll see you later?

Yeah. Oh, you might want to avert your eyes.

I'm about to kiss my woman good-bye.

So, all right, here we go.

Mm! Mm! Mm!

Oh, look out!

(chuckles)

Mm! Dang!

There's that big dumb smile.

I'm sorry.

I hope this isn't making you feel worse about Ruby.

I'm just so happy!

Good. I gotta say, I didn't see you two panning out.

You drive each other so crazy.

Yeah, you'd be shocked.

Wade is like a different person.

(chuckles) How long you been together, a month?

Mm-hmm.

A month in, everybody's on their best behavior.

So what are you saying? This happiness is just an illusion?

All I'm saying is that you are dating Wade Kinsella.

It's how you deal with his true nature that's gonna make or break your relationship.

I'll see you later, Z.

I gotta go see a woman about mutton.

Okay. Well, great talk.

George Tucker...

General.

Rad! You are so lucky!

Ah!

I never get to be anything cool.

Wanda Lewis, butter churner.

(squeals)

Tom Long, Blacksmith Adams!

Oh, look whose luck just changed!

Are you sure I can't keep my phone on?

I like to text with Tom.

She's kidding! No phones!

Don't blow this for me.

Blacksmith, Wanda, blacksmith.

Let me show you your bellows.

Aw, sweet.

AnnaBeth, are you aware that Southern Living is covering Pioneer Days?

Then I will definitely renew my subscription.

I wasn't sure because...

No, AnnaBeth, this is our big opportunity.

Everyone knows that Delma's cooking is not up to snuff, and, with the press coming, there's no room for second-rate cuisine at First Feast.

So we can cater it!

Shh! Ooh!

That's a great idea!

But doesn't Lavon still blame you for Ruby dumping him?

Oh, I mean, it's been weeks.

I mean, surely he's over it, right?

You know, I'll just stop by his house with some baked goods and smooth everything over.

I'm so excited!

Okay!

Well, good luck with that!

Oh, hey, Zoe.

Hey, George.

How have you been? How's Tansy?

Uh, she's, she's at a hair show in Orlando.

She, she says it's all very Honey Boo Boo?

I don't know what that even means.

You know, I...

She's, she's good.

We, we are good.

That's good.

Yeah.

And how about you and Wade?

Heard you made that official.

You know, I hope, I hope that's not too weird for you.

Ah, no. You could take all the single guys in BlueBell and throw 'em in one room.

You were bound to date someone I knew.

And you were bound to date their ex-wife.

Touché.

(both chuckle)

Life in BlueBell.

Sure. (chuckles)

George! George!

Uh, you know I gotta run.

I gotta go that way.

George!

It was great to see you, Zoe.

(knocking)

Lemon.

Mayor Hayes, hello!

I brought you some popovers.

A traditional food from the 1700s, not to mention pretty darn delicious.

Uh-uh.

No. You and AnnaBeth will not be catering First Feast.

But...

Good-bye, Lemon.

(sighs)

Zoe: Ooh, yeah, burgers sound great.

I do like that idea for dessert.

(chuckles)

I'll see you later.

(laughing): Wade, stop.

Bye.

So it's true.

You are dating Wade Kinsella.

Honestly, I never saw that one coming.

And I never saw myself wearing 1763 couture, yet here we are.

(chuckles) Lavon has chosen you and your new beau to play our founding couple.

It's quite an honor, you know.

Uh, yeah, sure.

You can use this for your research.

It's Lucille's diary.

I brought it, hoping that someone else would read it, and it would touch her life like it has mine.

Sheriff Bill: Dr. Hart.

There you are.

Good news.

I found your car.

I... didn't realize that it was lost.

Wade reported it missing yesterday.

Oops. I guess I let that cat out of the bag.

I'll drop your car off later. (chuckles)

He lost it?

Okay. Well, maybe it was camouflaged into the background.

Is it green?

It's silver.

Oh.

That's it.

Wade has gone back to being Wade.

Damn you, Lavon!

Crickett, thank you for the book.

I have to go k*ll a bartender.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down.

How you handle this first crisis will make or break the rest of your relationship.

Why does everyone keep saying that?

I just follow the sage words of Lucille Lavinius Jeremiah Jones.

Lucille and Cyrus were happily married for 62 years, and why is right in that first chapter.

Instead of letting little annoyances turn to anger, Lucille turned them into positivity.

And that worked?

It has for me.

Stanley and I haven't argued for ten years.

But it's your choice.

You and Wade could spend your lives shouting and fighting.

Or you could stay in the honeymoon period forever.

Wade: Oh!

(chuckles)

Look at that.

Your car's back.

(sighs) Yeah.

Sheriff Bill found it.

Look... I-I can explain, okay? See-see, I just took it for a quick little fishing trip and then I, you know, had a beer or...

(clears throat)

...like, six.

And then I walked back 'cause I was being responsible, right? But then I forgot, uh, well... I...

Hey, you know what? I am sure that you will be more careful in the future.

Yeah.

While you're being so understanding...

...maybe I should open up the trunk.

(gasping) (coughs)

(clears throat)

You know... this is a good excuse to get my car detailed.

(chuckles) Hey, did you remember those burgers?

I'm hungry.

Yeah. Yeah, m-me, too.

A-All right.

(sighs)

(coughs)

(car horn honks)

(seagulls calling)

(birds singing)

(clears throat)

FYI, you're out of shampoo.

That's impossible.

I just got some, like, three days ago.

Yeah, well, see, I ran out of detergent over at my place, and so I-I used it to wash my sheets. What?

That was hand-harvested sea kelp and lavender shampoo.

That I had shipped special.

From Paris.

Par avion!

Well, I...

I didn't...

I didn't know.

No biggie. You know, I can get some of that generic stuff they have at the Dixie Stop.

Shampoo is shampoo.

And apparently detergent, right?

Lesson learnt.

Uh, what... what's going on here?

I-I lost your car, then I used up all your froufrou shampoo.

Why aren't you throwing stuff at me?

Because then we would be a couple that throws stuff at each other.

And that's not how I want us to be.

I am turning my negativity into positivity.

Did you take one of those pamphlets from Josie down at the bus depot?

'Cause all her positivity came after a lost weekend on Billy Ray Cyrus' tour bus.

I am following the doctrine of...

Lucille Lavinius Jeremiah Jones.

Much better.

Yeah! You know, we have already avoided two fights following this theory.

Please-please do this with me.

So... if I screw up, if I do something boneheaded again, you're not gonna get mad at me?

Yep.

Well, who's gonna argue with that?

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

(Zoe giggling)

The new washtubs arrived just in time for tomorrow's festivities.

Solid oak. Classy!

Well, I am writing a special paper edition of the Blawker using a feather quill.

Hey, Dr. Breeland, did you get those leeches yet?

Oh, uh, yeah.

They're wriggling around my office. (laughs)

George! George, there you...

I've been looking for you.

Didn't you get my messages?

Uh, yeah, I did, and I will... I will call you back, but I got a client, and I got a...

Son, I'm sure you were startled by what you saw on Christmas Eve.

I'm sorry. Did you... did you say "startled," or did you say "scarred"?

'Cause seeing you and Shelby-- a woman half your age...

Shh. I know.

...who I happen to have dated...

I know, which is why I called.

I want to explain myself.

No. I don't... I don't need an explanation.

Sure, sure...

I mean, no, I don't. Sure you do.

I know we're not almost related anymore, but we're friends.

Are we now? Because I'm not so sure...

Sure, which is why I want to assure you, it was a one-time thing.

Good. That's great.

That means we don't have to talk about it or think about it ever again, so...

...which became a two-night thing, and then, now it's kind of an every nightly thing.

I so, so, so do not want to know this.

But you're the only one who does, which is why you're the only one who can offer me advice.

If you are a doctor, why are you trying to k*ll me?

Shelby is my daughter's age! What am I thinking?!

You're right, you're right.

I'm not thinking.

Because it's not my brain that's making decisions here.

Okay, Brick, listen, man, when people say, "Don't go there"" there is the there that they're talking about.

Clearly I'm having a midlife crisis.

But all crises pass.

I will end this. Now.

So, thank you, son, for the advice.

See? Despite everything, you are a good friend.

Wade: Oh, man, that's awesome.

Heck, yeah.

Cool. Oh, hey, baby. What's up? Hey.

Uh, this is Meatball. He and I used to play in a band together.

Oh, cool. It's good to meet you.

Hey. Nice.

Yeah?

Uh, listen, Meatball got the day off work, so he and I were gonna go get a couple of beers.

I might be home kind of late.

But we were supposed to go orange picking today.

(laughs) Orange picking?

Hey, quit laughing.

Baby, I am so sorry.

I totally forgot. I...

Well, I certainly don't want to interfere with orange picking day.

You know what? You guys-- you should just go do your thing.

Wade: No.

You really wanted to do this, and I'm... happy to go orange picking.

Don't be silly.

But Meatball's already here.

We can go orange picking any day.

It's no biggie.

You two have fun.

(Zoe laughs)

(both laugh)

So, knowing that we're looking for a game-changer publicity-wise, I made an alphabetical list of ideas.

From advertising to ziplining across town...

AnnaBeth, there is only one idea.

We are going to cater First Feast.

Lemon.

Uh, uh, uh.

I know that Lavon said no, but I have a plan.

Wonderful.

Another plan!

(laughs)

Crickett: Ah, Dr. Hart.

Binge eating already.

Oh, I should have warned you.

The pressure can take its toll.

No kidding.

Lucille Lavinius Jeremiah Jones is gonna give me a stroke!

There, there. It's totally normal to feel frustrated when you first start rechanneling your energy.

I burst blood vessels in both my eyeballs, looked like a demon.

You just need to find yourself an outlet for that energy.

How am I supposed to do that?

Well, in the South, we call them projects.

Delma: What are you talking bout?!

That roast beef was cooked perfectly medium rare!

Well, Delma, it's not that it wasn't medium rare now.

It's just that it wasn't good, which brings me to my point.

I don't want to hear your point, Mayor Hayes.

What I want to hear is where you're gonna shove that roast.

You get somebody else to cater this event.

I quit.

Well, you can't quit!

I'm trying to fire you!

Me?! You're the one who's always trying to control things.

Lemon: Because if I left everything to you, we'd be selling muffins door-to-door.

Oh, at least we'd be selling muffins!

Lemon: Everyone knows that I am the real talent in this relationship!

Your only talent is being a pain in my backside.

(gasps) Well, I don't want to do this anymore.

This partnership is over!

(scoffs)

Oh.

Hi there, Mayor Hayes.

Don't mind me.

I'm just... (sniffles)

...testing the limits of my waterproof mascara.

Yup. There it is.

Good to know for the future.

I'm sorry. I couldn't help but hear your fight.

I should have known better than to trust my livelihood to Lemon Breeland.

I guess I'll just have to start my own business.

Though no one's gonna hire me without her.

Well, that's not true.

As a matter of fact, it just so happens I'm looking for a caterer for First Feast.

Wait. You mean... me?

Well, I know it's last minute, but yeah. Really?

Oh, thank you, Lavon.

I will make you proud.

Oh, I know you will, all right? (laughs)

Now, no more tears, okay? All right.

Hey, Doc, thanks again for the rain... check.

Don't mention it.

Wha... What is that?

Oh, this little thing?

In the South, we call them projects.

Huh.

(Zoe laughs)

(crowd chatter)

(bleating)

Hear ye. Hear ye.

And now, the ceremonial turning off of the electricity.

(clank, hissing)

(goat bleats, crowd cheers and applause)

And now, the traditional adding of the old-fashioned Es and extra Ps on the town signage.

(applause)

Enjoy yourself, all right?

So every time Wade annoys you, you're going to do a project?

Instead of, say, uh, telling him what's bothering you and giving him a chance to change?

No, you were right.

Wade went back to being Wade, and this is how I'm going to deal with it.

By quilting?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, that's-that's reasonable.

(laughs)

No! It's crazy!

Just give him a piece of your mind and be done with it!

And how is that gonna end?

I yell at him all the time, he yells back.

I won't do that.

Growing up, all my parents ever did was argue.

I like Wade. I want this to work.

I need this to work.

(sighs) Uh.

What's that?

I found it in the kitchen, used it to make my shopping list.

Why?

'Cause I asked Wade to take this to the post office this morning.

I think I'm gonna need a bigger project.

(laughs)

Candle making!

That's what I'm talking about.

Do you need some help?

Actually, with AnnaBeth catering the big event, we are a bit short-staffed.

So we are having problems with our wicks.

Really? Well, you know what Lucille Lavinius Jeremiah Jones did when her wicks failed?

She added the wicks after the wax!

Exactly. Page 33.

How could I have forgotten?

Ooh, maybe when we're done with this, we can do some flower arranging.

♪ Ooh, garland!

I like the way you think, Dr. Hart.

Double time on the candles, we can get to the garlands.

Ooh!

Right, girls?

Yeah, great idea.

I love it.

(sighs)

Okay.

Well, hello, Doctor.

I didn't know I was due for a checkup so soon, but...

(gasps) Oh!

Uh, sorry.

It's a little pioneer medicine.

Oh, my God.

Look, Shelby, uh...

You BlueBellians are so cute.

Well, one in particular.

(laughs)

Got you a little gift.

Oh. Well... let's see.

Oh.

It's blue to match your eyes.

What's the matter? You don't like it?

No, I do. I do like it, but...

Shelby, look, we need to talk.

I get it.

You are the respected town doctor, and you can't have people talking, and as much fun as we're having, this is gonna have to come to an end.

It's a shame because I got all this new lingerie, and I wanted to surprise you, but... well... good-bye, Brick.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

Hey, uh, who said anything about... about this ending?

What do I care... about what people think?

I'm an adult, and we are having an adult relationship, so if I want to do this...

...I damn well will!

(both laughing)

Well, good.

Are you sure you told the cooks to follow my recipes to a tee?

Yes, Lemon.

You know, they're all wondering what you're doing here.

Well, just keep trying to kick me out.

Lemon Breeland, never show your horrible, ugly, disgusting face near me again.

You're like one of those hobbit trolls!

(whispering): Maybe just, like, tone it down a little bit.

I am just very uncomfortable with this.

Can't we just stage our makeup now?

No, honey. We cannot tell Lavon that we didn't really break up until after we do the interview with Southern Living magazine.

After that, it'll be too late for him to fire us.

(silverware clinking)

Lemon?

What are you doing here?

What... what do you think she's doing here?

Offering me unwelcome tips on how to plate my vegetables.

I am sorry for intruding, but I thought that it was my duty as a citizen to offer my skills.

You know what? That's very kind of you, Lemon.

And if you're serious about offering your skills, I think I have the perfect assignment for you.

You do?

Yeah, grog wench.

Huh. Grog what?

Yeah, you can tend to the drinks, make sure everyone's cup is full at the feast all night long.

You'll be too busy to offer unsolicited advice.

Sound good?

Sounds great.

So, how was your night out?

Oh, man, it was great.

Meatball got so hammered, he was making out with the hood of his car.

It was hilarious.

You know what I did last night? What's that?

Watched this old Frontier House show on PBS-- all 12 hours.

Wife's idea to help us get into character for today.

You're the luckiest man alive, Wade, you know that?

Yeah, well, kind of not really.

Zoe-- Zoe's been acting real weird lately.

She-- she's all wound up.

She's got all these little projects.

To be honest with you, she's acting like someone else entirely.

Zoe: Come on, ladies, chop-chop.

Do not let that hit the ground.

I am looking at you, Leigh Ann.

Hey, sweetie.

Pick up the pace!

I think the name you're looking for is Lemon Breeland.

Oh, this is not good.

Whoa, don't off yourself yet, General, I need some help.

Why am I suddenly this entire town's personal Dr. Phil?

Look, Zoe read some Belle relationship manifesto and she's burying herself in projects.

All right, she's being way too nice to me, and I tried to talk to her about it this morning, and she just kept quilting.

Ah, yes, I am entirely too familiar with the diary of Lucille Lavinius Jeremiah Jones and the particular insanity of those that would ask themselves W.W.L.L.J.J.D.?

I figured, so what do I do? Well, the way I see it, women are like volcanoes.

They need to have constant mini eruptions to let off some of that pressure, or you're going to get hit with a giant one, like a huge one, like a fricking Pompeii, like your fiancée sleeping with the mayor.

(chuckles)

Well, that's kind of what I was afraid of.

Well, then, for both your sakes, you got to figure out a way to have Zoe have a mini eruption.

Well, how would I do that exactly?

You're Wade Kinsella.

I'm pretty sure you know how to piss off a girl.

Yeah, right.

All the decor is true to the time.

The oil lamps, the pewter plates, the silverware are all historically accurate.

Stunning, and this food-- sublime.

Lavon: She's the best caterer in BlueBell.

(giggling): Oh, hush.

So, why don't you tell me all about how you got started in the catering business?

I'm dying to share with my readers.

Uh, Mayor Hayes, don't you have some Pioneer Days business to attend to?

I'm sure that AnnaBeth can handle this on her own.

No, I'm good.

You, however, have some cider that needs pressing.

Thanks, grog wench.

Oh, my, this quail is rapturous.

Spit roasted, a hint of thyme, and a little lemon for balance, no?

Oh!

No, ma'am.

There is no lemon in that at all.

Claudia: Mmm.

Hey.

Okay, now that I've read her diary, I feel like I have true insight into Lucille Lavinius Jeremiah Jones' soul.

I am so excited to play her tonight.

(clears throat)

Ooh, what is that smell?

Oh, well, I decided to stop showering-- you know, stay in character-- and then Cody wanted me to help him clean out his horse stall.

Why, does it, does it bug you?

No, doesn't bug me at all.

It's the smell of nature.

Great, 'cause, you know, I'm kind of starting to enjoy it.

I'm thinking I might keep it up even after tomorrow.

Okay.

Along with my new beard.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Originally I had been thinking something bushier-- kind of ZZ Top, Robert E. Lee-- but now I'm thinking I might keep it kind of short and scratchy.

I think that is perfect-- a human loofah.

You're the best.

Guys, hey, everybody, isn't my girlfriend great?

Stop.

I mean, kind, generous, beautiful, and, I mean, a firecracker in the sack.

(laughs) Wade, I'm the town doctor.

You can't just...

(murmuring)

(clears throat)

Hey, I suppose, though, it's beneficial for the people to know that I have a healthy sex life.

Super healthy.

Zoe: We all should.

She's like the mayor of Poundtown, and City Hall is open all day, every day.

(laughs)

Oh, hey, Brick.

I couldn't do it.

(groans)

Oh, God, I thought that we were done talking about this.

I-I'd really like to be done talking about this.

She must be some kind of siren.

You know, I was all set to, to break up with her, and then she said "lingerie."

Somehow I ended up fighting for us to stay together.

(sniffs)

Yeah, Brick, see, breaking up with Shelby can be... a-a difficult business.

Yeah, and I even agreed to sneak out with her tonight when everyone's at First Feast.

I am powerless against this woman's charms.

George, you, you got to help me.

(forced laugh)

No, no, no, Brick, I-I'd really rather not get in the middle of all this. George, George, you are my only hope.

(sighs)

Brick, you ever hear of a compliment sandwich?

We're gonna be late for the feast.

Why did we have to come back here first?

I forgot my hat, and, anyway, Lavon's picking us up here.

Oh.

Looks like I forgot to put the donuts away this morning.

Sorry, babe.

You, uh, you mad?

No.

Just a little bit?

(chittering)

Oh, look at that.

Lou... bou... tins.

Those expensive or...?

No.

Yes.

Why are you trying to provoke me?

Because I can't handle this whole crazy, new, hold-everything- inside routine, okay?

You said that you were on board.

I tried, and then you turned into Lemon Breeland.

(gasps) Look, if I have to lay a raccoon trap to try and get a rise out of you, something is seriously wrong.

Okay, you need to get mad, Zoe, 'cause, if you don't, you're going to explode.

I don't know how or when, but it ain't gonna be pretty.

I will not get mad for one reason-- because I care.

(scoffs)

(clears throat)

You two okay?

The carriage is waiting to take us to the feast.

We could not be better.

Yeah, we are going to go to the feast and we are gonna be the best damn founding couple this town has ever seen.

Come on, Wade, chop-chop.

So, just to be clear, you got that girl all set to blow when Southern Living is here and you two are our featured performers?

That... pretty much sums 'er up.

(forced chuckle)

This looks perfect.

We're going to have the best night of our life.

Grog wench, fetch me some grog.

Please, a-at your leisure.

Okay, Doc, this dinner is a big deal for Lavon, so let's just try and relax, have fun.

I am relaxed.

Great, and I admit it-- you were right.

You know, provoking you, ruining your shoe-- it was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

You know, maybe we should just steer clear of each other until the big speech, keep it fresh.

Yet another great idea.

All right, see you later.

Sorry.

This may be the best roast beef I've ever had.

It tastes like shoe leather to me.

Oh, Delma, you have lost your taste buds.

AnnaBeth's cooking is a force of nature.

Grog wench.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to First Feast.

(cheering) Thank you all for your contributions these last few days.

I know it's a lot in this millennium, asking people to live off the grid, even for 48 hours.

(phone ringing)

(murmuring)

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, okay, on my way.

Uh, I-I'm sorry about that, folks, but a-a-a doctor has always got to be on call.

Uh, two minutes.

Ah, roger that, yeah.

Yeah.

(chuckles)

I want to extend a special thanks to AnnaBeth from AnnaBeth's Catering.

AB, please stand.

Thank you for all your hard work you've done, all by yourself, to make this event possible.

Now, I know it couldn't have been easy, but you made it look effortless.

Let's raise our glasses to our ancestors.

Oh, and if your glasses are empty, call for your grog wench.

All: Grog wench!

Grog wench.

(whispering): Hey, psst.

Hey... cutie pie.

Hey.

(Shelby sighs)

What is that, ye olde Bluetooth?

(laughs) Oh, just in case I get paged.

(laughs)

Okay.

You want to get naked in the gazebo?

(groans) Come on.

All right, the thing is, you are so dynamic...

Oh, Shelby, I would, I would love to do that.

You are so dynamic.

Uh, but... y-you are so dynamic an-and...

Intelligent.

...intelligent and so awesome i-in every way, an.. I am-- I'm just not ready for this, and my goodness...

She deserves better.

...someone like you... deserves better.

Oh... my God.

Did you just give me the compliment sandwich?

Where is he?

(mouthing)

Where... is he?

George Tucker, get your butt out here!

What is going on here?

Are you dumping me again?

Shelby, I, I am so...

I apologize.

Why, why, why is that woman always hitting me?

(sighs)

Annabeth: My mother baked for every occasion.

If I was sad, it was sweet potato pie.

If I got a good grade, it was banana pudding.

Oh, I loved...

AnnaBeth, I got your flowers.

Apology accepted.

Oh!

How wonderful.

Um, I guess this means we're back together!

Yay!

(chuckles)

Claudia, I would like to introduce you to my business partner, Lemon Breeland.

Lemon: It's a pleasure.

Now that all this unpleasantness is settled, I would like to tell you a little bit about our event.

First of all, we found archived cookbooks...

Claudia: I'm sorry.

I don't understand how you could be responsible for this dinner if the two of you were broken up during its entire preparation.

Oh, well, you see, there's a lot of things that went on behind the scenes that you wouldn't...

It's a great event.

I understand why you'd want to take credit for it.

So you were saying, about the sweet potato pie?

Uh, mm-hmm.

Claudia: It's one of my favorites, too.

So, the reporter didn't buy your miraculous reunion.

You knew?

Of course I knew.

I can smell your schemes a mile away.

I only had to scheme because you wouldn't let me help you.

Lavon, we both needed each other, but you were too busy being a stubborn ass to put your anger away for one night.

I have a right to be angry.

Lemon, I loved you.

And you broke my heart.

And now, thanks to you, it's broken all over again.

Lavon, I didn't mean to tell Ruby the truth about us.

It was an accident; I was drunk.

There are no real accidents, Lemon, you know that.

But just... why couldn't you have let me be happy with her?

Be...

I guess I just-- I wanted to punish her for the way that she treated me in high school.

That's what I thought.

Just stay out of my way for now.

(bell ringing)

Dash: And now comes the time in which we hear from our great fore-parents!

(applause) Hey, beautiful.

Ready for our big moment?

Mm-hmm.

(laughs): Hey, you guys.

Meatball, why are you here?

(slurring): Why wouldn't I be?

Free food, free grog.

Lots of it.

You are the best.

Thanks so much for letting me and Wade go to the Foxx Trap the other night.

The Foxx Trap?

Isn't that a strip club?

I can explain.

(coughs, clears throat)

Dash: Mr. and Mrs. Cyrus Lavinius Jeremiah Jones will now expound on the nature of life, wedlock and love.

Give it up for the Joneses!

(applause)

Relationships are hard.

Especially when you are married to a man who doesn't shower and hangs out in horse stalls.

(laughter)

A man who lets a raccoon eat your very, very, very expensive wooden shoes just to prove a point.

A man who borrows things, like your... buggy, and then loses it after drinking too much... spirits.

A man who conveniently forgets about your romantic orange picking plans when his buddy shows up.

Who, on top of it, lies to you when said buddy takes him to a strip club!

(crowd gasping)

That's right, a strip club!

They had strip clubs back then?

Yeah, Wanda. Strip clubs go back to the Bible.

Uh, luckily... my wife is very understanding.

She understands, for example, that I was just going to get a beer.

'Cause it was two-for-one at the Foxx... Trap.

A person can only give so much understanding.

How can I be in a relationship with someone so immature?

You need a babysitter!

No. No.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm immature?

You're the one taking relationship advice from a 200-year-old dead woman.

Who was helpful! It was working!

It-It's ridiculous, all right?!

You can't avoid arguing!

Well, we aren't avoiding it now, are we?!

No, ma'am!

W-Where are you...? Where are you...?

Uh, and that was pioneer life.

(chuckles): Hey.

No one ever said a 60-year relationship would be easy, right?

To BlueBell!

Claudia: To BlueBell.

All: To BlueBell!

Well, that was very, very... brave, Mayor.

An honest historical representation of a real relationship.

Well done.

Kudos!

(door opens)

Hey.

Congratulations.

We fought in front of the whole town.

My methods may not have been the best, but I was right.

You can't just keep all your feelings locked up inside.

I just don't want to end up like my parents.

Whoa, whoa.

I've just never had a real relationship, Wade.

I don't know how to do this.

Me neither.

You know, sometimes you just got to wing it.

But we... we are not your parents, all right?

We're us.

And, yeah, we're gonna drive each other crazy sometimes.

But you got to remember, that's part of what brought us together in the first place.

But that means we are always gonna fight.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so what?

You know, we speak our minds.

We say what we feel.

Is that, is that so bad?

I think you might want to read the last page.

Come on, forget about Lavon.

Who cares if he's mad at you?

You've got Walt and we've got our business.

Yeah, which isn't getting mentioned in Southern Living.

Whole thing's just a disaster.

Lemon Breeland, that meal last night was fantastic.

What?

How did you know?

Your signature quail.

I was thinking maybe I could book you and AnnaBeth to do my anniversary dinner.

That would be amazing!

Yes!

That's great.

(both laugh)

(both shriek)

Both: Yes!

Crickett, hey, I, uh, wanted to return this.

I couldn't help but notice your little squabble with Wade.

I'm sorry, honey, I guess the advice doesn't work for everyone.

Actually, the advice doesn't work for anyone.

The epilogue, where Lucille confides, after 60 years of conflict-free marriage, she loses it over a broken wagon wheel, and realized that her whole avoiding anger theory was a bunch of horse crap.

Ooh, I guess you didn't read that far.

No.

It's in Old English; it's kind of hard to read.

Can we not tell anybody about this, Zoe Hart?

Thank you.

(clears throat)

Brick, you okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Look, we don't have to talk about it.

I'm sorry I dragged you into this to begin with.

It's too late for that.

I am, inexplicably, involved.

So...

(clears throat)

(sighs)

Lay it on me.

You know, the thing is, I mean, yeah, maybe Shelby was a midlife crisis.

But, damn it, she made me feel more alive than I've felt in 13 years.

I mean, I just didn't know what was around every corner, and I liked that.

And now...

(sighs)

You know what, Brick?

A lot of people in this town, they try and live life by the book.

And it hasn't quite worked out so well for them.

(both chuckle)

So you know what I say, man?

If you want to be with Shelby, then screw it, be with Shelby.

Yeah.

Damn it, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go call her right now.

Good for you.

Oh. And you know what? Maybe I should tell my girls about us, too.

Oh, no. No, you don't want to do that.

That's a terrible idea.

Oh, oh, yeah.

(chuckles): Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

All right, good luck.

Hey, um...

Yeah?

Is there any chance maybe you want to play a round of golf sometime soon?

For old time's sake?

You know what? Yes.

I would love to do that, Brick.

That sounds great.

WADE (groans): Oh, man!

Again?

Look, I'm just saying, it's disgusting, okay?

It looks like Cousin Itt d*ed in the shower drain.

Hey, at least I shower.

Yeah, for, like, 45 minutes, so there's no hot water for anyone else.

You know, you do have your own bathroom.

Uh, yeah, where I'm currently storing a gigantic bookshelf that somebody else promised they were gonna return.

You remember that?

All right, point taken.

Is that my, is that my shaving cream?

Oh, I can't use your stuff?

Oh, no, you're welcome to do it.

I'm just saying, but that's gonna happen. Oh!

You did not just do that!

Truth of the matter is, it actually looks good on you.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Oh, my, my, my.

(laughs)

You got little lightning hands on you.

(laughs)

Oh, give it to me, baby.

Look at that. Bam!

Then that happens.

Then that happens.

(laughs): Then that happens.