03x02 - Friends in Low Places

[bunniefuu]

Hello, everyone! I'm back!

This is my boyfriend Joel.

Welcome to our little town, Joel.

I came all this way to tell you that I love you.

What you said to me before I left, it meant something.

But then it's like real life took over.

Zoe Hart does not get to have a real boyfriend.

She does not get to break your heart and then waltz off into the sunset.

I sublet the carriage house to my cousin Lynly.

Zoe: That's Little Lynly?

Little Lynly is nursing a broken heart.

Now, if you so much as flirt with her, I will remove your arms.

Are you planning on leaving any time soon?

You're just like my parents.

What is wrong with me? Why does everyone hate me?

You win the break-up contest.

I told Zoe Hart that you have an amazing new girlfriend: me.

Looks like we'll be living happily ever after.

(chuckles)

Good morning?

There was a moment there when I had the fans oscillating in the perfect contrapuntal motion, and there was just the inkling of a breeze coming through the mosquito screens, when I didn't feel like I was gonna spontaneously combust.

Are you sure you're gonna be okay here?

Of course.

Really?

Because that's the smile you use around my mother.

Okay.

(slams ice cube bag)

Zoe, I love you.

I want to be with you.

And last night, the idea of moving here seemed so romantic.

But now, in the... not-at-all-cold light of day, it feels, um...

Like you're sweating lava?

Yes, it's an adjustment.

Look, it all is, you know?

I mean, it's like, I've lived on the same block for the last ten years.

You know, I had...

I had my coffee place, I had my sushi place.

The guy at the newsstand would talk to me every morning about the Knicks, as if I knew about sports; it was awesome.

Now I have a book due.

I don't even know if I can write here.

I get it.

You're totally at sea.

I wish.

It'd be cooler at sea.

Joel, I felt the exact same way when I moved here.

But you have something that I didn't: me!

I will show you the ins, the outs, the food, the drink, the places where alligators might possibly eat your computer.

I promise, you're gonna fall in love with BlueBell.

(sighs)

(sheets rustling)

(man belches)

I am irresistible.

No, you are disgusting.

Well, you don't think I'm disgusting when I'm doing that thing you like.

You know, the one with the...

Stop! Go! Get out!

See you here at noon?

No!

Okay. 11:30.

(birds chirping)

(clears throat)

Hey... person... who I'm horrified to say I don't know the name of.

Just call me Chick from Last Night.

Okay.

Well, uh, Chick, um, thank you for, you know.

Uh, it was great.

It was... it was really, really great.

But you've got places to go.

And so do I.

Been through the morning-after drill before.

Okay. Uh, well, then feel free to shower.

And...

I made you some eggs.

No one's ever made me eggs.

It's not that hard; you just cr*ck 'em, and you mix 'em up, and then...

Well, you have a great day.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Good-bye.

Dash: Well, Blawkers, it's official, Lemon-ade lives!

So tell me, when did you two first feel that first spark?

Well, who could forget?

Uh, it happened this past...

Saturday.

...Summer.

Summer.

Summer. She's always right.

(chuckles): Oh.

Well, Wade, did you ever imagine that you'd settle down with someone like Lemon Breeland here?

(laughs)

Never!

(foot stamps) (clears throat)

It's just, I-I never thought she'd be interested in someone like me.

Oh.

(chuckles): Oh.

And, Lemon, what is it, pray tell, about Wade Kinsella that you're attracted to?

Well...

It must be my willingness to go along with all her crazy ideas.

Oh.

(silverware tapping glass)

It means you're supposed to kiss.

At weddings, not at our place of business.

This is not a bordello.

(chuckles)

Wanda: Come on!

It's an added attraction.

Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss!

ALL (chanting): Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

(chanting continues)

Come on, kiss.

(applause)

(quietly): This is a disaster.

I only lied because I thought that Zoe was leaving.

You are the one who outed us to the whole town.

I didn't plan on anyone thinking that I would actually date you.

I have a reputation to protect.

Oh, says the girl who's screwing Meatball.

(gasps)

That is my own private shame.

I can't have a public one, too.

You know how hard I've been working to find the right sort of man.

Let's just end this now.

We cannot end this now!

Everybody would be onto us.

We have to be covert and deliberate.

Well, let me just grab this pencil, and I will take notes on how you dissolve a fake relationship.

Well, fine.

Step one: we announce that we're having problems.

Step two: we stage a fight, and we end it.

And step three: we all just move on with our lives, and we hope everybody here has amnesia.

(silverware tapping glass)

ALL (chanting): Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

(chanting continues)

Step four: you get some mouthwash.

(applause)

Dash: And they kissed.

(car horn honks)

Once Lemon became a roadhouse proprietress, it was only a matter of time until she started dating the help.

What's that supposed to mean?

Who's Lemon dating?

Wade Kinsella.

Also, please don't ever address us ever again.

(chuckles): Wade Kinsella?

She would never date Wade Kinsella.

Oh, they outed themselves to the whole town last night.

Lemon's no spring chicken, but I didn't expect her to just give up.

The Butter Stick is where you get your basic pastries and your coffee.

(door slams)

Oh.

How are the bagels?

Here, they call them English muffins.

Tom, hey! This is my boyfriend.

Joel Stephens.

(chuckles)

The Cicada's Lament is my favorite book ever!

I bought it online because I thought it was about bugs.

And then I was reading it, and I was like, "This isn't about bugs."

And then I was like, "This is about everything."

I have no less than 45 questions that I have been dying to ask you, Mr. Stephens.

Oh, yeah, well, sure.

And I'm Joel.

Ah!

I'll get us some coffee.

Ooh!

Big Z!

(chuckles) I'm happy to be running into you again.

What's up?

Oh, just trying to get Joel to fall in love with BlueBell.

That, my friend, is ironic.

Like me, he's a New Yorker.

He needs to connect with the people.

You know, the really cool, awesome people, like, my very, very, very best friend.

Say no more.

Dinner at the mayor's plantation tonight.

AB and I will roll out the red carpet.

You're the best.

Oh, but you may want to take him to the Rammer Jammer for breakfast.

Tom's got that look he gets when he's taught his hamster a new trick.

No, I'm not taking him to the Rammer Jammer.

Not because of Wade.

Not because of Wade.

Because of Wade and Lemon.

Totally different, totally disturbing, and possibly against nature.

Yeah, I admit, it's freaking my goose.

No one likes to see their ex with someone else.

But are you sure that's all it is?

Yes, that's all.

Okay.

Get over it.

Otherwise, you're gonna run out of places to eat real quick.

Thank you.

Hey, hon, c-can you get me a croissant?

Oh, here, they call them English muffins.

Come on. I'm gonna take you somewhere else.

Oh. Should I come?

No, Tom.

Oh, okay.

Meatball: So, the whole time we were getting down...

Shh!

...you and Wade?

Listen, it's-it's complicated.

Wade is my best friend!

You turned me into a guy that sleeps with his best friend's girl!

Okay, listen, I-I will make it up to you later, all right?

Now just go.

No!

Until you and Wade are through, this Meatball is closed for business.

(chuckles)

You're not serious.

Oh, I am very serious.

Anyway, I thought that's what you wanted.

You know what? You're absolutely right.

(whistling)

You're still here.

Sorry if it's weird, but I didn't know how to contact you, and I wanted to offer to make you dinner later.

You know, to repay you for the eggs.

You know what? That's-that's not necessary.

Huge relief, 'cause I don't cook.

We could go out.

Uh... you know, listen, um, I hope I haven't given you the wrong idea here, but since we didn't even exchange names, I thought that this was kind of a one-time...

Oh, yeah, totally!

I've got to go.

And I'll see you around.

Yeah.

The name Rammer Jammer comes from the University of Alabama's fight song, not something vaguely sexual, which is what I thought for the first year.

Thanks.

Doc, Mr. Doc.

What can I, uh, get for y'all?

Pancakes for two.

Actually, uh, when in Alabama.

I will have the grits.

Grits. Sure?

It's kind of an acquired taste.

Grits don't scare me.

As long as they're not prepared with or near peanuts, peanut oil, mushrooms or cumin.

I've got allergies.

Mm. Hold the cumin.

Gotcha.

I can't believe there are actually guys like that.

Did you see his g*ns?

I bet he got them doing something rugged like chopping down trees or something...

Does he chop down trees?

Funny thing: Wade and I sort of dated.

No.

Yeah, just for a few months though before I left.

But we broke up, and... him and Lemon dating now, so I hope that you're okay with that.

Yeah, you know, I'm sure that all big-city doctors that go down South, uh, go through their bad-boy-bartender phase.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Good.

Ew! Why?

I thought we were supposed to be having problems.

Well, it turns out, me being with you is the best Meatball deterrent there is.

I thought sleeping with Meatball is the best Meatball deterrent there is.

You'd think, but there's this thing that he does...

Ew, gross, stop!

Bleh!

(silverware tapping glass)

Listen, I...

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Listen, I think if I can just detox from Meatball for a few days, then I can quell my addiction.

Please?

We are definitely not breaking up.

(chuckles)

(whoops)

Hello!

You okay?

Yeah, I just...

I want to get you some coffee.

The service here leaves something to be desired.

You know, I just heard the darnedest thing.

I was out buying my morning paper, 'cause it's just not a paper if you read it on a screen.

Right?

And I ran into Sal.

And you know what Sal had to say?

He was telling me all about how you and my daughter were seeing each other!

Now, when did that happen?!

Uh, summer.

Oh, summer.

Oh, summer, you say.

So-so I've been coming in here every day, for months, and you've poured my coffee, you, uh, chatted me up about sports and about cars, and it never occurred to you to tell me that you are dating my daughter?

I see now that that m-might bother you.

Oh... I don't expect you to ask my permission.

But at least I deserve better than hearing about it from the fishmonger!

Uh, ah!

Ah!

I got my eye on you.

(sighs): Man.

I just don't understand.

AnnaBeth and I spent all summer making this list of Alabama's most eligible bachelors for you.

Good-bye, Horace Vanderlinden.

Good-bye, Charles Ludlow-Strauss.

Good-bye, Carter Covington.

I think I'll miss you most of all.

Okay, okay, you know, you can just stop with the martyr routine, because we all know that you copied that list from Southern Living.

You know who's not on the list?

Wade Kinsella.

Right. Well, Wade and I are dating each other for very complicated reasons, so...

Abs.

But who knows if Wade and I will work out?

So I will just take this list.

Insurance.

I mean, after all, you did go to all that trouble of copying it.

Oh, I was thinking steak.

Unless Joel is one of those New Yorkers who doesn't eat meat, and then that would be...

Oh... what is it?

I called, uh, I texted.

Haven't heard from Lynly all morning.

Yeah, uh, I have to tell you, um, yesterday, I asked Lynly when she was planning to leave, and she maybe thought it was because I want her to leave.

And-and-and why would she think that?

Because I do want her to leave.

I'm sorry, Lavon.

I know she's your cousin, I know you love her, but she's driving me nuts!

Well, I-I realize that Lynly may be emotional and a-a tad high-maintenance right now, but...

But I remind you that she's going through a heartbreak.

I know.

Look, I remind you that her daddy taught me how to throw a football.

I know.

I remind you that Uncle Shel and Aunt Beatrice looked out for me.

And I promised them that I would look out for Lynly.

That-that we would look out for Lynly.

She is a grown woman.

I'm sure she's fine.

Oh, absolutely fine.

Don't mind me.

I'm just gonna go k*ll myself.

What's wrong, Lynly?

I met a guy.

Oh, no, no!

No, a nice guy-- he made me eggs.

Eggs?

Scrambled.

It's like he knew they were my favorite.

But he said he doesn't want to see me again.

Who is he?

Just tell me the jerk's name.

I don't know it.

But I wouldn't tell you anyway because you'll k*ll him.

If I'm feeling generous.

Excuse me.

(door slams)

Well, I still don't understand why we had to leave the Rammer Jammer.

It was too loud.

You wouldn't get writing done there.

Why write inside when you can write in nature?

Here.

Great.

The only thing is we don't have a plug-in.

Oh, actually, I left my plug somewhere this morning, so I'm gonna have to buy a new one.

No, this is BlueBell.

If it's not right where you left it, it's because someone found it and wants to hand-deliver it.

Probably with a basket of muffins.

I can get used to that.

See?

Get Joel acclimated to BlueBell-- going perfectly.

Hey, uh, I'm not getting a Wi-Fi signal, and my manuscript is stored on the Cloud.

Okay.

No worries, man.

Because there's definitely Wi-Fi in BlueBell.

Just got to move a little.

(stammers) Okay.

Pardon me. My GPS isn't working.

I'm trying to find my way back to Mobile.

Mobile's a dump.

Perhaps.

But I'd still like some directions if you don't mind.

All right.

Let's see.

Here, let me help you.

Oh, why, thank you.

Absolutely.

Are you planning to spill a lot?

Oh... (laughs)

No, no, those aren't for me.

They're for a, um, fine-dining establishment of which I am the co-owner.

My mother was a businesswoman.

No one I respect more.

Well, there's no one I respect more than a man who respects his mother.

(both chuckle)

Oh, uh, where are my manners?

I haven't even introduced myself.

I'm-I'm Lemon Breeland.

The legendary Lemon Breeland.

Your legacy precedes you.

I'm Carter Covington.

And your name precedes you.

Anything now?

Not a single bar.

You know, why don't we just go try over by the Hem 'n Haw.

That-that's a real place?

Wow, South, you do not disappoint.

Huh.

Well, Miss Breeland, I'm gonna be in Mobile for the next few days.

If I spill something, can I give you a call?

The pleasure would be all mine, Mr. Covington.

(yelling)

Oh, my God! Ow!

(stammers)

Joel?

Ow, ow, something is biting me!

I'm coming!

Oh, God, I was just...

I was sitting there and... ow!

No, no, no!

No one sits on this rock!

Everyone knows that's Fire Ant Rock.

Not everyone!

We got to get you to Dr. Breeland.

Oh! Ooh!

Son of a bitch!

Oh!

Okay.

Remember how I said earlier that we couldn't break up?

Well, I retract.

What? No, I was kind of enjoying our fake relationship, huh?

Well, too bad.

A fake relationship with you may help me with my Meatball addiction, but do you know what's sure to?

A real relationship with an authentic gentleman not named after spaghetti's sidekick.

So, in one hour, I will be leaking to AnnaBeth that we are having problems.

Deal.

Fine.

I just hope my next fake girlfriend isn't so bossy.

(winces, groans) ZOE: Have I said that I was sorry?

'Cause I am really sorry.

Oh, it's no big deal.

Oh, really?

No, actually, no, it's a huge deal.

My ass is on fire, and a man I hardly know is giving me an intimate massage.

Brick: Well, I apologize, but I am the only doctor in town.

I thought I banned you.

I'm here as girlfriend, not doctor.

Well, some girlfriend.

You-you let him sit on Fire Ant Rock.

All right, the swelling should subside in a couple hours, so you just need to-to monitor these blisters.

If they start leaking pus, it means you're infected.

You, in the corner, hands at your side, mouth closed.

MAN (over TV): To keep your body absolutely still during the putting stroke, imagine you're trying not to be noticed by a pride of lions.

And pray God they haven't smelled your urine.

This is like a life-or-death game of golf.

This is...

Hey! I...

I was... I...

George Tucker.

You are Lavon Hayes's lawyer, and as such, I need you to make sure I don't do anything illegal.

Happy to help.

Now, you may not now this, but my little cousin Lynly's in town.

Some punk hurt her.

Now, I'd assume it was Wade, but he's with Lemon, so...

Wait, I'm sorry.

Wait, back that up.

Did you say Wade was with Lemon?

As in Lemon and Wade are... they're together?

Is that...?

Yeah.

So, guys, what can I get for you?

No, we're plotting, not eating.

You're dating my ex-fiancée and didn't think that information might be relevant for me to know?

Oh, right, I-I see how that might bother you, yeah.

You know, 'cause when I dated your ex-wife, I asked you first.

Uh, if it helps, Lemon and I are apparently having problems.

So, there's that. Yeah.

Geez, Louise, some people in this town have no respect for the sanctimony of fr... well... you know, don't even get me started on you.

Oh, come on, man, we-we moved past that.

Now, I got pressing business.

How do I find this guy, thr*aten him, but not end up in prison?

Ah, what did he do?

He messed with Little Lynly!

(groans)

Anybody can look in her eyes and see that she is fragile.

And she's suffering again.

You do not make a-a girl eggs and then walk out on her.

Eggs.

Mmm.

So, I take it that Little Lynly, she's not 14 anymore?

She's 25.

Well, you know, consenting adults.

Maybe there were some mitigating factors.

Yeah.

I'll let the dude explain them right before I put his nose through his eyes.

Come on.

We've got a future eunuch to find.

Yeah, yeah, um, we might just want to just leave that there.

AnnaBeth, I was just at the Butter Stick, and I heard the most interesting thing.

That you ordered a cheesecake for tonight.

Now, I know that you only order cheesecake when you're having a dinner party.

Lemon, I'm sorry.

But the only reason I didn't invite you is because it's for Zoe Hart and her boyfriend.

Oh, bup, bup, bup, no, no need to apologize.

I just need an invitation.

You did hear the part where I said it's for Zoe and Joel, right?

Uh-huh, so you'll definitely need to invite some people that I can talk to.

Maybe, uh, Stanley and Crickett.

Oh, and funny thing, I ran into Carter Covington, who's staying in Mobile for a few days.

Carter Covington?

Mm-hmm.

Bachelor number nine on your list?

Mm-hmm.

Wait, what about Wade?

Oh, yes, well... between you and I, we've been having some problems.

But, I mean, who couldn't see that coming, right?

I am so confused.

First, you tell me that you're sleeping with someone too shameful to ever admit, then you told the whole town you're dating Wade.

Oh, is Wade the secret guy?

Or is the secret guy the reason you're having problems with Wade?

Okay, AnnaBeth, my life is rapidly going down the commode.

So I need you, my best friend, my only friend, to invite me and Carter Covington to this dinner party tonight and trust that one day it will all make sense!

Of course.

Great!

Well, I'll go home and steam my party dress.

See you tonight!

What-what did she mean, "See you tonight"?

Well... there are a few additions to the guest list.

Like Lemon?

You invited my sworn enemy to my boyfriend's party?

I'm so, so sorry, but she needs this.

She and Wade are having problems.

Problems?

Mmm.

Since when?

I'm not sure exactly.

I only found out they were dating yesterday.

Yesterday?

Interesting.

So where now?

Uh... (sighs) well, we've been all over BlueBell, and no one saw her with anyone last night, so I guess we just trust that the guy really regrets what he did, and we just call it a day.

We haven't been to Torchy's.

Yeah, people always go to Torchy's to do things they don't want anybody to know about!

Oh, no, no, listen, listen, Lavon, Lavon, hey, hey, hey.

Stop, stop, stop.

Listen.

I know that you are worried, but I really do think the healthiest thing for both of you right now would just be to... to go home.

(scoffs) You're right.

I can get the truth out of Lynly at the dinner party tonight.

Dinner party? I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, for Zoe's new boyfriend.

Joel! Yeah, he seems so great.

Um, look, uh, would-would it be okay if I came to the dinner party tonight?

I mean, I probably should.

You know, just in case you get tempted to do something stupid.

(chuckles)

Oh! You are a great friend, George Tucker.

(both chuckle)

Yeah. See you tonight.

Oh, my God.

Wanda, have you seen Joel's power cord?

We think that he left it here this morning.

Oh, sh**t. I was gonna bake some muffins and take it to you.

Come on.

(chuckles)

Wade: Doc... how's your new boyfriend's first day in BlueBell going?

So you heard about the fire ants.

Yeah, Dash posted some great pics.

It's a setback.

But we are going to a dinner party at Lavon's, and it's going to be lovely.

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

Can he sit?

Okay, maybe I dropped the ball a little bit.

I was distracted.

But you know whose fault that is?

Yes, technically, mine.

But I was busy watching your fake girlfriend flirt with another very handsome man.

What?

Mm-hmm.

At least my boyfriend's real.

You're just faking this whole thing with Lemon just to get to me.

First of all, very mature; second of all, it's not working.

You may as well just cut the charade.

You are just so wrong.

Oh, am I?

Top ten wrongest...

Hey! Hi. I got it.

Everything okay?

Yeah, everything's great.

Let's go.

All right.

Y'all have a good night.

Hey, Wanda, I'm gonna need you to get a tie out of the lost and found.

I'm meeting my girlfriend Lemon at a dinner party tonight.

I don't mean to be one of those harpy women we hate, but you were supposed to be here to help me set up.

And now party guests are arriving before the party lighting is ready.

We were trying to track down the guy that upset Lynly.

Oh! Lynly?

What a surprise! Hi!

Oh, good to see you! Thank you for coming!

You two are fighting, aren't you?

I guess that explains the party lighting.

Annabeth: Voilà!

Ooh.

Oh, Mr. Covington, so nice to see you.

I can't think of a better way to spend an evening... or more delightful company.

I am Dr. Brick Breeland, Lemon's father.

Pleased to meet you, sir.

Carter Covington.

Carter.

Well, Daddy, don't let us keep you.

Oh, nonsense, sweetheart.

Carter, let me tell you a little story about a friend of mine who got so busy at work, he took his eye off his lovely daughter.

And she ended up dating a bartender!

I bet he never let that happen again.

No, he won't.

(chuckles)

So, uh, Zoe tells me that you're quite the football athlete.

Oh, well, uh, back in the day anyway.

I mean, now I just limit myself to video games.

Sometimes I get injured playing those, you know?

(all chuckle)

Shall we?

Lavon used to play for the NFL, but around here he is remembered as being the star of the Crimson Tide.

Number 47 was retired about a second after he stopped playing.

That's so weird.

There's a guy on Amazon with the user name RollTide47.

He must be a big fan.

RollTide47, that's me.

What?!

I can't believe you remember that.

Yeah, I have this problem; um, try as I might, I remember every bad review and everyone who wrote them.

You hated The Cicada's Lament.

No, no, no.

You're that Joel Stephens?

Oh, surely, you didn't hate the book.

He gave it one star.

The majority of the review is about his outrage that Amazon doesn't let you give zero stars.

Yeah, it wasn't my favorite.

You know what might help us?

Three drinks.

And one for each of you.

Lynly, I'm so glad you came!

In my dress?

You were so nice to invite me that I wanted to do something nice for you, too.

This is really meant for someone younger.

George!

Um, George, have you, um... have you met Lavon's cousin, Lynly?

Nope, never.

Oh, well, then you two will have so much to talk about.

Oh, welcome to the party!

Could I talk to you?

I promise these aren't all for me.

Wade?!

Hey, Doc, good news.

Me and Lemon patched things up.

I know you're worried.

This party is for Joel.

Oh, good thinking-- after the day he's had, boy could use a party, right?

(chuckles)

Huh?

Hey, grab me a beer, pal.

Thank you.

It's totally fine that you didn't like my book.

I'm just curious what exactly you didn't like.

I don't know, it just wasn't for me.

I get it, I get it.

(chuckles)

Hey, I probably wouldn't have liked it myself if I hadn't have written it.

Right.

But what, specifically, wasn't for you?

I don't remember details.

Actually, if you don't remember the details, then maybe you wouldn't mind deleting the review.

(chuckling): Uh... no.

See, I wouldn't have been that harsh if I didn't really hate it.

Hmm.

I figured I could blow my trust on an amazing year in Europe, or I could buy my own company.

(both laugh)

Now I have 15 offices in Europe, and I can go any time I want.

Well, you are such a... an upright young man, I think I'll just get out of your hair.

Uh, no!

Um, aren't you concerned about where in Europe, Daddy?

Oh, uh, yeah.

Uh, Carter, let me... let me ask you a question.

Uh, you spend much time in France?

Because I'm a little concerned about the loose moral structure of that country.

You, now, come.

Look, last night, I obviously did not know that you were Lavon's cousin.

And I also somehow missed the fact that you are in a very vulnerable state.

And I'm very sorry.

I feel like a chump.

No, I'm sorry.

It was a one-night thing.

We both knew.

I shouldn't have pushed.

Great, great!

Now, if you could somehow not tell Lavon that it was me, that would be swell because he is a friend.

But a friend is not going to be so forgiving of another friend taking advantage of his very young, vulnerable cousin.

Also, I like my legs.

Okay, I won't tell him... if you answer this question.

You're great, I'm great, so why does it have to be a one-time thing?

All right, listen, Lynly.

I cannot even conceive of starting a new relationship right now.

And that is not gonna change.

Well, I guess there's nothing much else to say, is there?

Just that I really do like my legs.

You know, walking, biking, wearing pants.

Hey, George, uh, could you give us a sec?

I need to talk to Lynly.

Funny, I have to talk to you, too.

So, no one knew until yesterday that Lemon and Wade were dating?

No. All we knew was she'd been secretly sleeping with someone.

And you didn't know who that someone was?

Well, I thought it was that well-toned banker from Mobile.

Robert?

No, Robert's the one with the perfectly tailored suits.

I was talking about Adam, with the really good hair.

Oh.

Yeah.

Anyway, now we know why Lemon kept it a secret.

I mean, who would ever admit they were with Wade?

(both snicker)

Sorry.

Mmm.

Stanley: Oh.

Okay, look, I understand you want to protect this guy.

Just tell me his name.

I can't-- not just to protect him, but to protect you.

Whoa, whoa, now, Lavon Hayes does not need protecting.

I know how much you love me.

There is no reason for you to be here, okay?

You hate dinner parties.

And this is not even your tie!

Zoe thinks we're faking the relationship.

We are faking the relationship!

Well, I don't want her to know that.

Wade, Carter Covington is the first truly eligible bachelor I have met in a really long time.

Do you know what you're asking me to give up?

Yeah, I do.

Hey, have you seen Lavon?

I'm thinking he didn't realize that chapter seven is an alternate reality.

Try over by the crawfish table.

But don't eat the crab cakes.

They're fried in peanut oil.

I always like to meet any woman's family I plan to date just to make sure they approve of me.

Oh, we do.

(both chuckle)

Lemon: Carter, I would like to introduce you to someone.

Um, this is my boyfriend Wade.

Oh, no.

Wade: We, uh... we run the Rammer Jammer together.

Yes, no one would ever predict that we would fall in love, but you stare at someone for 14 hours a day, and...

Wade: Especially someone as tasty as this little nugget.

Come on.

Crazy things happen.

Catfish cake?

So, how did you two finally get together?

Well...

Well...

...I was waiting on table six.

And we still argue whether it was buffalo wings or jalapeño poppers.

Jalapeño poppers.

Catfish cake!

No, it was definitely not catfish cakes.

(coughing)

You okay?

The catfish cakes are fried in peanut oil!

(wheezing) Hey! It's fried in peanut oil!

He's allergic!

Get his EpiPen out of my purse!

(coughs, wheezes)

Okay.

Your heart's stopped racing.

How are you feeling?

Well, the good news is I don't feel the fire ant bites anymore.

Joel, I am so sorry.

I'm the worst girlfriend in the world.

I tried to warn you about the catfish cakes, and then you weren't there, and...

I got distracted...

You remember that guy Wade, right?

Paul Bunyan?

Yeah, he's hard to forget.

Well, I think he's faking his relationship with Lemon.

And it's driving me crazy that I can't prove it.

So, why would Wade be faking a relationship?

Maybe he freaked out because I reappeared, awesome boyfriend in tow.

Or-or maybe he's just messing with my head.

Regardless, I fell into his trap, and I am so, so sorry.

Well... you're not the one faking a relationship.

That's true.

You behaved like anyone who found their ex-boyfriend dating their archenemy.

Also true.

I'm a much better girlfriend than I thought.

Now, now, now... let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

But the writer in me needs to know if they really are faking.

So... give me the details, let's figure this out.

Um... when did you first hear they were dating?

It's just such a shame you turned up right after Lemon got together with Wade.

I mean, timing, huh?

Crickett!

Excuse me.

Carter... listen.

Your opinion of me matters, so I have a confession to make.

In confidence.

Wade and I are faking our relationship.

What?

Why?

See, he needs to triumph over Zoe Hart, and if you knew Zoe Hart, you would understand.

Now, I don't normally participate in such antics, but Wade is a friend.

And he's sick.

It's terminal.

That's tragic.

It is.

You should know that my family's had its share of scandal.

We can't withstand any more.

So I have to be sure that any woman I date has an unblemished record.

Any woman you date?

Well...

I assure you, Mr. Covington, there are no more skeletons in my closet.

And no one knew about the relationship until you came to town?

No. Her best friend didn't even know until yesterday.

All right.

They're totally faking it.

Right?

You should write detective novels.

Wade's motive is clear.

But Lemon's, we're not gonna know hers until we unmask her secret lover.

(giggles)

Will it hold?

I need, like, ten minutes.

Oh, thank goodness!

Nothing kills a dinner party like the guest of honor, you know, being k*lled.

Well, I had excellent medical attention.

Let's eat!

(guests cheering)

Yeah!

(whoops)

Come on, there you go!

All right!

There it goes!

Okay!

(guests clapping, whooping)

Hey, hey, hey, wh-what are you doing here?

Well, I brought you some apology beers.

But you weren't home, so I drank 'em while I was waiting.

N-No need for apology.

Meatball: And then I looked over here and saw the lights and thought maybe you came to the party.

And I was hungry.

Look, wh-why don't we just walk you back over to my place?

What do you say?

No!

I have to tell you something.

Lemon is cheating on you.

No. No, I mean...

What a joker, right?

This guy.

Meatball?

(laughs)

Why don't we talk about this later?

Lemon, who is this?

Who are you?

Oh, well, he is an upstanding young man who happens to be here with my daughter.

Carter Covington, of the Birmingham Covingtons.

Well, I am Meatball.

No last name required.

Like Cher and Jesus.

And you may want to know that your date has been recently intimate with not only Wade, but also with a special certain someone I like to call myself.

(guests gasping)

(guests murmuring quietly)

No one ever suspects the guy named Meatball.

Wade: Thank you.

Yeah, I'm going to the bar.

If he's Lemon's secret lover, then who is Wade?

Her beard!

Crawfish, anyone?

I want some.

What's a beard?

(sighs heavily)

You know, you shouldn't drink alone.

People will judge.

You're a good friend, Lemon.

Your, uh, gentleman caller take off?

(sighs)

Frankly, I think my father is taking it worse than I am.

It's Carter's loss.

"Of the Birmingham Covingtons."

(chuckling): I mean, come on.

George, we need to talk.

Yes, of course we do.

We need a favor.

A favor?

See, I've been forever trying to convince Lynly to go to law school.

Lynly: And I've just realized it's a great idea.

But I need to study for my LSATs.

So I was hoping you would tutor her.

Please?

Uh, yeah. Sure.

Of course, I'd...

I'll see you soon, then.

Can't wait.

She's a terrible student.

You're gonna have your work cut out for you.

Thanks.

Yeah.

No problem.

Hey.

(clears throat)

So, here's the thing.

Seeing you with someone else kind of freaks me out.

More than I thought it would.

And I'm guessing that it's not fun for you to see me with Joel, either.

(Zoe sighs)

You're not saying anything?

Okay.

Fine.

But we need to figure out a way to coexist.

Be okay with each other moving on.

Because it's a really small town.

Got a big-ass mosquito on your neck.

What?

Ow!

Where?

Nah, you...you missed him.

You should probably try again.

Harder.

Where is it? Did I get it?

Yeah, uh... no.

Where is it?

Actually, now... now it's two.

Oh.

I hate you.

(laughs)

Three questions: One, Meatball?

Two, seriously?

And three, is Crickett's husband gay or just Southern?

And you've just played BlueBell's favorite game.

I love how great you're being about everything.

I mean, after a day of fire ants, anaphylactic shock and Tom Long, I was sure you were gonna be on the first flight back to New York.

Well, to be honest with you, that's all I could think about this morning.

I just...

I get so much creative energy from the city, you know?

There's so much life there, and so much drama and craziness, and I was afraid I was throwing all that away.

But BlueBell...

I mean... two people named after foods were secretly doing it.

(laughs)

Technically, Lemon is named after a flower.

Wow, also fascinating.

(sighs)

(sighs)

So... any other exes you want to tell me about?

Why did that George Tucker guy refuse to shake my hand?

There's some stuff that we should just save for later.

(chuckles)