03x10 - Star of the Show

[bunniefuu]

Please tell the Governor that BlueBell is not, and will never be interested in merging with Fillmore.

Tell your boss that Fillmore supports the merger.

He's gonna try and take over the whole town.

Town square is gonna be a giant mall?

This merger with Fillmore is still a thr*at.

(Angry shouting)

You were with George and Tansy. Do you think he still has feelings for her?

I'm sure that Scooter didn't know everything Fillmore's planning.

I don't wanna see this town go away.

If you still want me to leave, I'm all packed up.

Do you still want me to leave?

No.

I have lined up an excellent date for you.

I have some news of my own.

I'm going on a date.

Tonight.

You asked out Vivian Wilkes?

I am so completely surprised that you would not approve.

I went bananas when I found out that Wade asked you out.

You should give him another chance to make you crazy.

♪

Annabeth: Okay. Here we go...

Ta-da!

Look, it's a power breakfast for a power Mayor.

Designed to get you back to work and hopefully out of the house.

Do we have any more ice cream?

Look, I am not opposed to you eating your feelings.

But... (Laughs)

Maybe it's time to do it out in the world.

No.

N-no, I can't.

I was elected to protect the people of BlueBell.

Now Fillmore's about to swallow us up.

Which is exactly why you should do something.

Well, I... I've filed every petition and injunction from here to Montgomery, and...

No, there's nothing to do except hide.

With my rocky road.

Tansy.

Oh, no, you did not.

Get up.

(Grunts)

Where am I?!

What is going on?

Lynly, you okay?

No, you just said "Tansy" in your sleep.

You were dreaming about Tansy?

You must've... You must've heard...

You must've heard me wrong.

I must've said, like, "pansy," or "Fancies'," or "chancy."

My hearing's just fine, George.

How could you do this to me?

Look, I was dreaming, okay? I...

Aha! So you admit it!

You were dreaming about Tansy!

No...

Hold... wait, wait, Lynly, no, wait, hold on, okay?

Fine. I was. But not in the way that you're thinking.

Not in a Cinemax after dark kind of way.

More like C-SPAN.

I have been dreaming about this merger all week long.

And Tansy has been integral in helping us fight that, and that's all this was.

Okay? I promise.

Are you sure?

Absolutely.

'Cause...

Lynly Hayes, you have been the star of my most interesting dreams.

Mmm.

And you know what? I'm gonna make you breakfast.

What is this?

Oh, it's, uh... Your mom just asked me to do a little, quick rewrite on, uh, the toast for uncle Mort's birthday.

You mean my toast?

It just...

It was the tiniest bit... dry.

It just needed some punching up.

I am a celebrated author.

You don't even know uncle Mort.

Well, I-I do now.

Um, "Mort was born on March 27, 1951"

"at St. Ignatius Hospital in Teaneck, New Jersey."

"The hospital was a brick building located at the corner of Parsons and Oakwood."

"The birth took place at 3:13 P.M."

I was being thorough.

Sometimes it's best to leave the creative stuff to the more creative people.

Hey, Wade!

You know, you buying your breakfast here is not a great endorsement for the Rammer Jammer.

Yeah, well, I'm pretty hungover, and the coffee here is better.

Your cousin and I were out late last night in Mobile at a pretty awesome concert.

That's great. Can you please tell Joel that I am creative?

(Laughing)

(Zoe mock-laughs)

So funny. Have you not seen my outfit?

Polka dot blouse, leopard print skirt.

I mix patterns, okay?

I am an outside- the-box thinker!

You're creative.

Do not patronize me.

You, do not smirk.

Well, in my professional medical opinion, I think you should blow on your soup before you eat it.

I did!

Shelby: Brick! Drop what you're doing! This is an emergency!

Dash quit, and I don't have a director.

And my cabaret opens in two days.

What on earth am I gonna do?

Well, calm down. Let Delma out.

Delma, I recommend popsicles.

He said I was "indecisive" and "my own worst enemy"!

Well, you have been having a hard time making decisions.

And you're pretty worked up.

Here, let's check your blood pressure.

Only because nothing feels fresh.

It's all "been there, sung that."

(Sighs)

All my money is riding on this cabaret.

Not to mention my hopes and my dreams.

Which is why I need you to clear your schedule and help me find a director.

Oh, I can't. I'm-I'm trying to run a practice, here.

Please, please, please.

Annabeth...

Brick needs to cancel all of his afternoon appointments.

See you later.

Thank you.

(Door opens, closes)

Seriously, Brick? Again?

I am powerless around that woman, and... Help me!

Oh.

I've got more than I can handle trying to keep Lavon from overdosing on rocky road.

I just wish Lemon was here.

Me, too.

She'd know exactly how to help both of us.

(Door closes)

Annabeth!

As a non-Belle, you have a lot of nerve calling a meeting.

It'll be worth it. I've brought a very special guest.

Good morning, ladies.

(Gasps)

We are gathered together today because BlueBell faces extinction.

Luckily, though I am not there, nor a member of your organization anymore, I am still Lemon Breeland.

Which means I have a plan.

Brava!

Lemon: Hmm.

The Governor's beloved sister, Marian Matthews, will be in Mobile this afternoon.

Y'all will bring her to BlueBell, she'll fall in love with it, hence she will call her brother, the town will be saved, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You are welcome.

And how will we get Marian Matthews to BlueBell?

Well, we will use our brains, and our connections.

Perhaps she was in a sorority with someone's husband's cousin.

Ooh!

Marian Matthews was in Delta Gamma with Stanley's cousin Scarlet!

Scarlet's always showing off about it.

Now we're catching up.

You will have Scarlet call Marian and set up a meeting.

That's brilliant.

Oh, we miss you.

Now, Crickett, as the leader of the Belles, it is your responsibility to make sure that this plan works.

Do not let Marian leave BlueBell without agreeing to speak to her brother first.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have another fire to put out.

(Screen beeps)

All right, daddy, now let's discuss how to free you from Shelby’s talons.

Uh, still us, Lemon!

Oh.

Well, y'all didn't hear that.

All right! Let's put this plan into motion, Belles!

Save BlueBell!

(Annabeth whoops)

I-I feel horrible saying this, but-but Shelby is ruining my life!

Yes, which is exactly why we need to get her out of town.

Oh... do we? I-I mean, we do.

Uh, right.

Uh... and how will we do that?

My plan is simple. Shelby moved to town to open up that silly cabaret, and when it's a spectacular failure, she'll leave. (Brick laughs)

It won't be a failure.

Have you heard her sing?

Shelby has the voice of an angel.

But you told me that she has no director, and no real concept.

She still has some time; She'll pull it off.

Not if you find her a director that will t*nk the show.

Someone long on confidence, short on skill and experience.

Lemonade, that-that plan is a smidge too diabolical for me.

I... no offense.

(Laughs)

Well, excuse me.

I was under the impression that you wanted my help.

Enjoy spending the rest of eternity with Shelby, daddy.

Also, there was a recent study that debunked the theory that people are either "right-brained" or "left-brained."

You know, just because I chose a life of science, it doesn't mean I can't be creative, too.

It's good that you're letting this go.

Don't box me in!

Brick: Joel!

Just the man I was hoping to find.

Dash quit the cabaret, and Shelby desperately needs a new director.

And I desperately need someone else to advise her.

Joel: I did minor in theater...

Look no further! I'm your girl!

...at Tisch.

You?

Yes!

Let me remind you that my mother is a famous publicist.

She once represented Stephen Sondheim.

I saw "Into the Woods" 16 times.

Oh, wow. I mean, that does make you a director, yeah.

It just so happens that I wrote and directed an original cabaret for the residents in my hospital to perform for high school kids.

One Cellular Sensation!

It k*lled.

Well, that... That certainly does sound unique.

Butter Brickle, I need you to come with me to buy more boas for the cabaret.

And then we need to work on sets.

Now?

Yes, now! And tonight.

And probably through till tomorrow.

I wouldn't count on sleeping.

What can I say? My show must go on.

Shelby, uh, great news.

You know how you wanted me to find you the perfect director?

Well, I did.

Zoe!

Zoe? You direct?

She also writes.

She wrote a hit cabaret about biology.

Mainly cells.

It's not really what you're looking for, there, huh?

Shelby, this could be that-that breath of fresh air that your show needs.

It-it's... You know, it's campy.

It's fun.

You said yourself you wanted something fresh.

Zoe Hart, welcome to the cabaret!

Oh!

(Laughing)

Ha!

(Car horn honks)

(Seagulls calling)

(Birds singing)

Season 3, Episode 10

"Star of the Show"

Okay, everybody.

Huge news.

Zoe Hart is joining us as our new director.

Zoe Hart? The doctor?

Don't box me in, Shula!

Zoe has some changes that she would like to make to the show, so let's all keep an open mind.

Yes. The cabaret will now be called One Cellular Sensation!

We're gonna be performing acts about cells.

Awesome. "Some Enchanted Cytoplasm," adapted from South Pacific?

Wanda: Your favorite musical and your favorite organelle!

Uh, my song is about mitochondria?

And the human condition.

But also mitochondria.

Meatball: Uh, which one of these songs is the most metal?

Let's start blocking.

Shula, you're up.

Hey.

Hey!

Did you hear that? I said, "blocking." That's a director word.

Nice. I just came by because you forgot your megaphone.

I know you wanted to look the part.

I am doing much more than looking the part.

Shula, you're a protozoa.

So why don't you go downstage right?

I definitely meant downstage left.

Are you-are you trying, maybe, to get her to go upstage left?

You know what? Blocking isn't essential to One Cellular Sensation!

Many protozoa barely move.

Are you sure you don't want me to stick around and help out a little bit?

I really don't mind.

No. No, no. Go!

Go, go, go. Yeah, I got this.

Okay.

Sheesh, everybody wants to be in showbiz.

From the top!

Tansy, is, uh, everything okay?

No. Someone bought all the rocky road from the Dixie stop.

And I had a fight with Scooter.

He says I'm being cagey, which I am, ever since I let y'all into that party.

I feel so guilty.

Well...

Tansy, you shouldn't.

Because McGreevy sucks.

Excuse me?

The man is a class-A rotten jerk face...

Who sucks.

You're wrong.

Scott McGreevy is a kind, decent man and he loves me.

And he loves my Dolly Parton.

All he wants is to do right by his town.

Just like you.

No, there's a difference.

And that difference is we are not trying to destroy anybody.

I mean, they're trying to annex BlueBell!

OK? Fillmore is a Death Star, okay?

And Mayor Gainey is Emperor Palpatine.

And Scooter McGreevy, is his Darth Vader.

Seriously? Life is not Star Wars, George Tucker.

Why don't you try asking him his plans?

Because they include bulldozing this town square here and putting up a shopping center.

I don't need to ask him his plans, because I know Scott.

Besides, how do you get off criticizing my relationship when you're dating little Miss Crazy Eyes?

You're being very mature here.

George, as a hairdresser, I look at women in the mirror all day long.

Believe me, I can spot crazy eyes.

I'd be careful if I was you.

And I'd be careful if I was me talking to you. (Clears throat)

Hey, George! Hey, Tansy!

Fancy finding you... together.

Well, three's a crowd.

Bye. (Clears throat)

Talking merger stuff again?

Yes, we were.

When my sorority sister Scarlet told me y'all wished to emulate our annual Marigold Ball, I came straight from Montgomery.

Since you took over the Marigold Ball, it has been the social event of the year.

We were hoping to take you on a tour and get some input on venues.

And maybe your brother, the Governor, would like to attend our ball here in BlueBell.

Perhaps, but aren't we getting a little ahead of ourselves?

(Clears throat) Crickett is just full of town pride.

Loves showing off BlueBell to everyone.

I do.

Because once someone sees our beautiful town, it is hard for them to stand by to see it swallowed up by another, uglier one.

I'm not here to discuss the Marigold Ball, am I?

Discussing the Marigold Ball is definitely one of the reasons why you are here.

I've heard about your impending merger.

I don't appreciate being used.

We have nothing further to discuss.

Oh, Mrs. Matthews, please.

Let me at least buy you a sweet tea before you go.

Agneses are famous.

I cannot resist sweet tea.

But in this case, I prefer to go alone.

Hey, Cricket, what are you doing?

Hiding from Lemon.

Lemon? I thought she was out of town.

She is, but the Internet is everywhere.

She's already trying to help Brick get rid of Shelby, and I don't wanna be next.

How is Lemon helping Brick get rid of Shelby?

I don't know.

See, I thought it was by having Zoe Hart direct that cabaret, but the cabaret is awesome.

It is about cells and...

Oh, God, I can't let her leave.

Shelby?

Marian Matthews!

That's her car.

I gotta go!

Mm... hmm.

Is that... gum?

Oh, ew.

The sexy reality of being a fourth-grade teacher.

Well, you are lucky that you have me to keep a close eye on you and that behind of yours.

Keep you gum-free.

Mmm.

Hey, you got plans tomorrow night?

Scored two tickets to go see Double Wednesday play an almost-unheard-of acoustic show in Mobile.

Wow. That sounds amazing.

Pick you up at 9:30?

Great!

Great. 9:30.

All right.

See you then.

See ya later, sugar. All right!

(Whistles through teeth)

Thought you said things were going great with Vivian?

They are. We got plans for tomorrow night.

She was, uh, pumped.

No, she wasn't.

Where did you find the time between hairdressing, waitressing, and process serving to go to psychic school?

Or was it an online course?

I'm serious, Wade.

Right before she said "great!"

She paused and she moved her hair over her left shoulder.

That is her tell, like in poker.

I am very good at identifying tells.

And crazy eyes, though that does not apply here.

Vivian is a classy lady.

She doesn't want to be going to different dive bars every night.

You need to step up your game.

Zoe: Hey!

Hi.

For your information, rehearsals are going great.

Six hours at the helm, and lines are memorized, dances are... in progress.

I'm sure they are.

I feel your lack of support. Rude.

Hey, Wade, can I get 17 coffees?

We're pulling an all-nighter at the cabaret, or at least a midnighter.

I'm directing now.

(Laughs)

Oh, man.

Oh, you're serious.

Well, that should at least make the cabaret interesting.

Hey, maybe I should take Vivian.

She would love it. Who wouldn't?

Well, me, for one, but, uh, that's what earplugs are for.

Zo, about the cabaret.

Um, Brick chose you for a reason.

And you should know...

Brick chose me because he believes in my project!

Who would have thought that Brick Breeland would be more supportive of my creative endeavors than you?!

God, after all those nights listening to you drone on and on about your novel...

Which sounds so great!

Hey, you know what? Good luck to you.

Thank you.

You are going to be wowed, my friends.

I'm gonna send Tom for the rest of these.

Wowed, I said.

Wowed!

I'm coming!

I figured out how to get Marian Matthews to stay in BlueBell!

What is that?

Spark plugs? I don't know.

I just opened her car hood and pulled.

You didn't.

I panicked! But she's staying the night at the Shamrock, so at least I did something.

What is your boyfriend, the Mayor, doing to save BlueBell, hmm?

Morning.

Oh! Good morning!

I have news!

The merger's off?

Crickett stole the spark plugs, or something, out of Marian Matthews' car, and she was forced to stay the night at the Shamrock Motel.

Marian Matthews?

As in-as in the sister of the Governor of Alabama?

Yes.

But, glass half full, she's in BlueBell another day!

Time to get out and sell her!

I'm, I'm going back to bed.

No, you are not!

More news!

Lemon is gonna give you a motivational speech.

Lemon?

Mm-hmm.

Oh!

Lavon, today may very well be the defining day in your mayorship, so you have a choice.

Are you gonna spend it in your pajamas, or are you gonna go find Marian Matthews, convince her that BlueBell's a place like no other, and save the day?!

If-if I go, will you close the computer?

I'll get dressed.

Annabeth: Ooh! Thank God.

(Clears throat)

Scooter McGreevy...

What brings you to BlueBell?

Just visiting my girlfriend.

She is determined to work in this craphole.

So I guess you better get used to seeing me around.

Hey, when are you gonna trade in this loser?

(Blows raspberry)

Did you just...?

Anyway, Tucker...

Isn't it about time we bury the hatchet?

You know, find our common ground? Get to know one another as friends?

Really? Friends? 'Cause you just called, you called me a loser.

That is so sweet of you, Scott.

It'd probably for the best as I'll be taking over much of your business once the towns merge.

Okay, well, this was fun.

Lot of fun.

George, I have someone for you.

Lemon: George, there you are!

Lemon?!

Hello, Lynly. Miss me?

Hi, Lemon!

How's your grandma?

Oh, who cares?

Here's the point.

Lavon is taking the Governor's sister around BlueBell this afternoon, so I need you two to make sure that Gainey and his Fillmore lackeys don't go near them so they don't sabotage him.

But Scooter McGreevy's in the Rammer Jammer right now!

Don't worry about this, Lemon. I got it.

Do not disappoint me, Tucker.

That was weird.

Hey, Scooter. I'm sorry.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe we should bury the hatchet.

Sooner rather than later.

Today, even, if we can.

How about right now, actually? Let's go sh**t nine holes, and you can put your money where your mouth is, huh?

Ooh, uh, sorry.

I do have plans to go hiking with Tansy as soon as her shift ends.

Great! A double date! How fun does that sound?!

Wait... we're doing what?

So, how do I look?

Like a bug that just got stepped on.

You look great.

Now, Frank, you have have the saddest song in the show, it's called, "There's no tosis like aptosis," which is cell death.

That is sad.

Why do they die?

It's one of the mysteries of cells.

That's messed up.

Brought donuts!

Donuts!

No, we-we don't have time for donuts!

Okay, everybody, take five!

Look, I-I was really hoping that you were here to apologize for all the doubting.

Uh, no, actually I'm here because I know something.

Um, I was gonna tell you last night when you came home, but you never came home.

(Sighs)

I was working on costumes.

The cell membranes?

They kept getting jammed in the sewing machine, so I had to do them all by hand.

Wow, uh, you're not making this easier.

Um... (Chuckles)

Okay.

Crickett told me that Brick is working on a plan to get rid of Shelby.

And that plan is hiring you to t*nk her show.

(Sighs)

Poor Joel.

Is that what you have to tell yourself to be okay with this?

First of all, Brick would not set me up like that.

Second of all, Crickett is not known for getting her facts straight.

And third, why are you so sure that my show is gonna t*nk?

It's a cabaret about cells.

And the human condit...

And the human condition.

Okay, look.

If you don't believe me, how about I just stick around and, uh, see your first run-through, you know.

We'll watch the show together.

Yes, that is a wonderful idea.

Okay.

Everyone, everyone, let's get your costumes on.

We're gonna do a full run-through.

Okay, so imagine that you just stepped out of a cab on Madison Avenue.

You walk into the Carlyle.

This is what you see.

♪

♪ We are the plant cells ♪
♪ our structure excels ♪
♪ 'cause we've got chlorophyll ♪
♪ and we photosynthesize ♪
♪ oxygen, it expels ♪
♪ from us, the plant cells ♪
♪ we are rectangular ♪
♪ and become specialized ♪
♪ when it comes to reproduction ♪
♪ we need no instruction today ♪
♪ 'cause when we do mitosis ♪
♪ we replicate our perfect state ♪
♪ we are the plant cells ♪
♪ flagella sometimes propels ♪
♪ we're green and lean and we reproduce ♪

Sexually?

♪ A-sexually. ♪

(All panting)

You're right, my show sucks.

Miss Matthews?

Uh, L-Lavon Hayes.

Uh, I'm the Mayor of BlueBell.

Good.

Then you can tell me where the bus station is.

Oh, look, you've had a terrible experience here.

So, please allow me a chance to change your impression.

And why on earth would I do that?

Because the people of BlueBell really love our town.

And we are very afraid we're gonna lose it.

I mean, if y-your brother ratifies the upcoming merger with Fillmore, our-our community and our unique sense of identity, and, believe me...

It is unique...

Will be gone.

Now, if you spend some time here...

You'll see that for yourself.

You're having a cabaret?

I love cabarets.

If I could do anything in life, it'd be to sing.

Done! Shelby's out, you're in.

(Laughing): Heavens no.

I have a voice that would k*ll cats.

Oh.

But you get me a table front and center, and I'll stay.

(Chuckles)

Bertram Brick Breeland, I am nobody's patsy!

If I had a dollar for every dramatic entrance...

I know that you are using me to t*nk the show.

What I don't know is how you could do this to me?

I am so sorry, Zoe.

This isn't me.

But Shelby was making me so crazy.

I just needed to find a way to get her out of here.

And I-I should've known better than to listen to Lemon.

It was an awful thing to do!

Agree!

But I-I...

I'm gonna man up, I'm gonna tell Shelby to do the show that she wanted to do and postpone the opening a few weeks, ...and really get it right.

Good.

A.B., great news.

Hmm?

Uh, the-the Governor's sister agreed to stay ...just to see the cabaret tonight!

Oh, no.

Could she come back in a few weeks?

You will open the cabaret tonight.

Whatever it takes.

Now, look, we got exactly one more chance to-to make her love BlueBell and talk her brother out of the merger.

Frank: Zoe, what's my lysosome's motivation?

How do you think the Governor's sister feels about cellular biology?

I think the waterfall is right around this bend.

That's what you said about the last bend.

And the bend before that.

So, you're heading to law school?

Yes, well, it's between law school, medical school, or I might become a fashion designer.

Sure, those are all very similar.

I have trouble making up my mind.

Oh. And how exactly did you come to stay with Lavon?

My parents thought I needed a change of pace.

Why was that?

See, my ex-boyfriend was obsessed with two things.

His lawn and other women.

So, when I found out he cheated on me, I put lime in his hose and k*lled the lawn.

It may have been a step too far.

You know though, I think Tansy can appreciate that.

Because when we broke up, uh, she threw all my clothes out of a trailer window.

So...

Now, that's a statement.

So, uh, Scooter.

We should probably talk about this merger.

I don't know what you've heard, but it sounds to me like it's moving forward.

It is, and it's gonna be great.

And best thing about this merger, it's gonna end the intertown hostility.

Build some brotherly love.

Give us a chance to work together.

Hmm, I love how you care about peace, Scooter.

Hey, there.

Hey.

I've been looking for you.

I was just gonna call you.

Oh? Why?

Well, uh, change of plans!

I got us, uh, two tickets for the cabaret tonight.

Your crazy cousin Zoe is directing, which should be interesting.

Uh, show starts at 9:30, thought I'd pick you up at 9:00 for what will probably be a terrible night at the theatre.

Oh, and by the way, that's theatre with an r-e because, you know, I'm classy like that.

But I was actually coming to cancel our date.

I'm so sorry. My babysitter's sick.

She ate some bad tilapia.

Don't you have, like, a million relatives?

I thought that's the big perk of that situation.

You got built-in babysitting.

Yeah, you know, they're all going, they're all going to see, my, uh, great-uncle tonight.

He, um, he also had the tilapia.

Yeah.

You okay?

Yeah, you just, you know, you did that, uh, hair thing again.

Oh, did I mess it up or something?

No, no.

No.

You have a good night, Vivian.

I'm sorry, Wade.

(Sighs)

I'm beginning to think this waterfall is just another figment of your overactive imagination, Tucker.

Like your legal skills.

(Laughs)

Does that mouth of yours ever stop flapping, McGreevy?

Uh-oh, somebody miss nap time?

What is it... you thirsty? You hungry?

You jealous that I ended up with Tansy and your new girlfriend has crazy eyes?

Uh-oh. What did you just say?

Okay, you're gonna want to retract those words immediately.

Your problem is not with Lynly, it's with me.

Let's all calm down.

What's with all the aggression?

We're just a couple of pals out for a friendly hike, right?

Is that right, pal?

Are you gonna really stand there and tell me that Fillmore doesn't plan on wiping BlueBell off the map and call it a merger?

Whoa, bad info.

Incorrect.

Ah. Is it also incorrect information that you want to bulldoze our town square, put up a mall called the Gainey Shopping Center?

Oh, my God, that's awful!

What kind of monster would do that?

Scott may be many things, but he is not a monster.

And he doesn't lie.

Not to me.

Hmm.

Scott?

How could you possibly know about the shopping center?

Only three people know about that plan.

Did you spy on me? For them?

I'm sorry, Scooter.

I shouldn't have done it.

Apology not accepted.

From either of you.

I didn't apologize.

I'm going home.

Alone. I suggest you stay in BlueBell with your friends, and think about where your loyalties really lie, before I bulldoze right over them.

But what about Dolly?

I'll feed her.

But I'm telling her what her mother did.

Tried to save a town.

That's what her mother did.

Tell Dolly that!

And don't you go lying to that dog about me!

Shelby: I don't get it. You convinced me that this was the way to go.

You said cells sell.

But at the dress rehearsal we realized that One Cellular Sensation! isn't all that we hoped it would be.

Really?

Well, see, I just don't think BlueBell is-is ready for something so ambitious.

Classics are classics for a reason.

I think you should go back to what you were working on when Dash quit and-and get that ready for tonight.

Brick Breeland, what is really going on here?

Look.

I was trying to t*nk your show.

'Cause...

I wanted to get rid of you.

It's horrible.

I know, I-I, but I...

I just couldn't take it anymore.

You blew into town.

You-you take over my life.

I'm a grown man, I should've been able to say no to you.

But you give me that look.

That-that look that's-that's like a tractor beam, and I can't resist you.

How could you...?

Shelby?

Oh.

Oh, my gosh!

Okay, thank you, Brick.

Bye.

Shelby and the baby are okay.

But her blood pressure is low, so she's on bed rest.

She's gonna be fine.

Oh, thank God.

The only thing to figure out now is the show.

You're still doing the show?

Yes. To save BlueBell.

But I was hoping that you would do the show.

You know, you have all that actual theater experience.

And right now, BlueBell really needs that experience.

Uh...

Okay, okay, yeah, okay, uh, I just need some time to come up with a thematic through line, uh, do a little research...

You got two hours.

Or I could jump right in.

Okay. All right.

Listen up, everybody.

Shelby is out.

(All groan) I know.

She was our nucleus.

But now just imagine a new nuclear membrane is forming around you.

I'm not feeling this metaphor.

Me neither.

Sorry.

I'm lost.

Joel is your new director!

Oh!

What?

Yes, and we're gonna go back to the more traditional cabaret that you guys were preparing.

Our only numbers in that other show was between Shelby’s wardrobe changes.

Without her, we got a 12-minute cabaret.

Well, then it will be 12 minutes no one will ever forget.

Okay?

All right, let's, uh, take it from the top.

(Chattering)

Shelby: This cabaret has been my dream since I was a little girl.

And I was so close to making it happen.

Can't bed rest start tomorrow?

I'm afraid not.

We just can't take any chances.

It was really sweet, what you said earlier.

Oh, what? That you were ruining my life?

About not being able to resist me.

I like having that effect on you.

(Laughs softly)

But I don't want to drive you crazy.

That's not fair to you.

Well, I... I was thinking, you know...

It-it's... it's only crazy-making if I try and resist you, and...

...There is another option.

There is?

I mean, I...

Could just...

Stop resisting.

We can never tell Lemon.

Mm-mm.

(Laughs)

Oh, you are doing that thing right now, right now.

Th-that tractor beam thing.

Well, there is just one more thing I need your help with.

(Tansy whoops)

Wow. That is, like, 19 straight.

That's a new record, I think.

(Laughs)

Seriously, how do you do that?

The trick is to look at the sh*t glass, not the quarter.

Lynly: You know what? Scooter is a jerk.

Even drunk, she speaks the truth.

(Snorts) Lynly: A person can be nice to a dog and still be a jerk to a person.

You are amazing.

And I think you deserve a million times better than...

(Yawns)

...A bicycle.

I think you're falling asleep.

I am not...

One second.

All right.

You want to go out and get some air or something?

Yeah.

(Laughs)

♪

Lavon: All right, here we are.

Best seats in the house, as promised.

Nice work, Mayor Hayes.

Sheriff Bill: Mayor Hayes, there's something I want to say to you.

Now, everyone's really upset about this merger.

Here we go.

I speak for all of us when I say that there isn't anything we wouldn't do for BlueBell, or for you.

Thanks, Sheriff Bill.

Yeah, well...

I'm not supposed to be out here.

Breaking the fourth wall.

Uh, right.

♪

(Audience applauds)

Hello, there.

Welcome to...

Whatcha doin'?

I'm introducing the cabaret.

Tom: Oh, good, I could use a drink.

Wanda: No, I'm introducing the cab-a-ret, ...not cab-er-net.

So you can't drink it?

No, it's a show!

Gesundheit!

(Rimshot) Wanda: Oh, no, I wasn't...

Tom: You know what helps when you're feeling under the weather?

Wanda: What helps when you're feeling under the weather?

An umbrella!

What a joke!

Have you got another?

I can't give you my other one.

Why not?

I'm saving it for a rainy day.

(Scattered laughter)

(Applause)

Ha. Ha, ha.

I could only do so much.

♪
♪ Daisy, Daisy ♪
♪ give me your answer, do ♪
♪ I'm half crazy ♪
♪ all for the love of you ♪
♪ it won't be a stylish marriage ♪
♪ I can't afford a carriage ♪
♪ but you'll look sweet ♪

(Material tearing)

♪ upon the seat ♪
♪ of a bicycle built for two. ♪

(Polite applause)

That's it?

Yeah.

Good-bye, BlueBell.

Yeah.

(Audience whispering)

♪ I'm just... ♪
♪ A Broadway baby ♪
♪ waitin' for the one big chance ♪
♪ to be in a show ♪
♪ oh, gee ♪
♪ I'd like to be ♪
♪ on some marquee ♪
♪ all twinkling lights ♪
♪ a spark to pierce the dark ♪
♪ from Battery Park ♪
♪ to Washington Heights ♪

(Audience whoops)

♪ Some day maybe ♪
♪ all my dreams will be repaid ♪
♪ heck, I'd even play the maid ♪
♪ to be in a... ♪
♪ Show. ♪

(Applause)

(Cheering)

Now that is something I have never seen before.

This is quite an unusual town.

(People talking, laughing)

Thank you.

Oh, you shouldn't have... hey.

Thanks.

Lavon: I'm so happy you enjoyed the show.

I did.

Yeah.

But you know what stands out even more?

How much the people of BlueBell love their town.

That message has come across loud and clear since I got here.

These mergers are actually Lieutenant Governor Byrd's pet project.

I'm gonna call my brother and insist that he make him come visit.

Oh...

Thank you so much, Miss Matthews!

Good luck to you.

(Laughs) We should celebrate!

Ice cream?

No more ice cream.

But I can think of another way we could celebrate.

Oh...

Mm-hmm.

Ooh...

(Laughing)

(Exhales)

Wade.

Hey.

I hope it's okay I came by.

I guess I should've called first.

It's okay.

Harley's sleeping.

What's... Going on?

Well, uh...

I guess...

I'm actually a...

A little confused.

I thought we were having fun.

I'm into you, seemed like you were kind of into me...

I am.

So what's the problem?

I don't wanna tell you.

I'm embarrassed.

Oh, crap.

(Whispering): Hey, is it contagious?

No.

Truth is, I didn't want to go to the cabaret tonight because it starts at 9:30.

I'm a single mother.

I have a little boy who gets me up at 5:30 in the morning.

I have a job that I love and I can't afford to lose, and I wanted to hang, I tried to hang, but I just can't, and I didn't want to tell you that I'm a tired old loser.

I can handle a tired old loser, you know, especially when she's as hot and gorgeous and all-around hot and gorgeous as you are.

(Laughs) Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

So...

It is 9:45.

What do you normally do at 9:45?

I watch TV.

Amazing. I love TV.

Would you like to come in?

Thought you'd never ask.

♪

Tansy: Sorry for what I said about Lynly.

She's sweet.

Despite the cuckoo-bird eyes.

Okay.

There's a chance I was more bothered by you having a new girlfriend than I wanted to admit.

I get it.

I mean, it was, uh... (Laughs)

It was not easy for me to see you with Scooter McGreevy.

But if you like the guy, then he's gotta have at least...

I don't know...

One redeeming quality.

Yeah, I don't know.

Maybe he is just a jerk.

Yeah.

Lynly's right.

I... I shouldn't be with someone just 'cause he's good to my dog.

You cold?

Yeah.

Here.

I...

(Clears throat)

Am super warm, so you can have my sweatshirt.

Thanks.

Free of charge, all right?

Aw...

That better?

Yeah.

All right.

(Sighs)

Sometimes I think I never should have let you go.

♪

Man, Shelby has got a set of pipes on her!

I'm sorry that I've been so crazy.

Hey, for the record, I completely believe in your creative abilities.

It's just that a musical about biology didn't seem like it was gonna get the best reception from the...

From the general public.

Just... I need to know that you know that I can do anything.

I do.

Really?

In fact, I'm actually feeling a little sad that I didn't get to hear more of your songs.

What?

Buddy...

Mm-hmm?

...Hold on to your socks!

(Clears throat)

♪

Oh, boy.

(Laughs)

♪ The minute I ate that bad beef ♪
♪ the contamination spread through my system ♪
♪ you stink, E.coli ♪
♪ you're a rod-shaped bacterium ♪
♪ you give me nausea, shakes and delirium ♪
♪ you punch me right in the gut ♪
♪ hurt my head, my butt, and cause me misery ♪
♪ hey, E.coli ♪
♪ spend... ♪
♪ A little less time with me. ♪

(Laughing)