02x13 - All Riled Up

[bunniefuu]

All right. Let's go, guys.

You know the movie night rules...

If you're late you're not allowed to point at the screen and ask, "who's that guy?"

Uhp, sorry, guys, but I'm out.

Vanessa and I are going clubbing.

Yeah, we finally discovered the secret to our relationship.

Go to places where it's too loud to talk.

I'm out too.

Amy and I are celebrating something.

I just hope I remember what that is before I pick her up.

Movie night is a tradition. You guys can't just bail.

Really? Because that's exactly what you two did when you were dating Fitch and Megan.

I believe the exact phrase was: "See ya, losers." (Chuckles)

Yeah, so, "see ya, losers." (Chuckles)

Okay.

There is seriously something wrong...

(Door closes)

When we're the ones sitting at home on a Friday night.

Hey, not to worry. I'm sure we'll manage to have plenty of fun without them.

Exactly. How cute are you.

Oh-ho!

Oh, you were talking to Emma, weren't you?

(Chuckles weakly) Yeah.

But you look pretty cute too.

So, uh, should we get started?

You know, you don't have to sit all the way over there.

Oh, right. Yeah yeah yeah, of course.

They do not know what they're missing out on.

I mean, who's cooler than we are?

(Scoffs) No one.

I mean, we so don't need them. Right?

No way.

You comfortable?

Most definitely.

Great.

Let's do this.

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

Ben: So Danny, um...

I was just wondering if I could get a little advice.

Less squats, more biceps.

You're starting to look a little uneven, bro.

That's all very helpful. But this is about a girl.

Well, I'm an expert when it comes to the female persuasion.

(Chuckles) You've come to the right place.

It's about Riley.

You've come to the wrong place.

Dude, come on. She's your best friend.

And I think she might like me.

Really? You and Riley?

I thought you were over that.

I was over it.

But that's only because I thought she wasn't into it.

But if she's into it, I ain't over it.

And how do you know she's into it?

Last night, when we were sitting on the couch, I scooched in and she did not scooch out.

You know the scooch test is not 100% effective.

But it's not just that.

She gave me this look.

And it wasn't just any look.

For a second there, we weren't just Riley and Ben.

We were... Riley and Ben.

Well, whatever you do, I just think you should take it slow.

Slow... all right, okay.

Slower than that!

Just don't do or say anything you're gonna regret.

(Sighs deeply) Wow.

You're really kinda tying my hands on this one.

But thanks, bro.

(Door opens)

Oh. Danny. Perfect.

You are just the man we were looking for.

We need some advice.

Why not? Apparently, it's what I do.

(Clears throat) Okay.

So what do you think about this?

You know how the Rangers are one of the only pro hockey teams without a mascot?

Uh-huh. - And how they're having a contest to finally pick one? - Uh-huh.

We're entering!

Uh-huh...

We decided on kangaRoos...

Yeah.

But we're calling ourselves...

Wait.

The Ranger-Roos.

(Chuckles)

(Mimics g*nsh*t)

That part was my idea, so...

Yeah.

This part is my idea... No!

You cannot be my team's mascot.

Look, Danny, it's just a one-time thing.

And besides, it's the only way I'm gonna get to watch you play since I've been banned from the next three home games.

(Scoffs) You steal one zamboni.

I know.

You know...

Look, and I'll finally be vindicated.

I tried out to be my high school mascot five times!

Go salamanders!

Ow!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, God.

Are you okay?

Ow! I should have stretched.

You should have stretched.

Oh, my God.

Give it to me. Give it to me. Give it to me.

Stretch me out.

Stretch it, stretch it.

Stretch!

(Screams)

(High-pitched) Oh, my God!

Look, Danny. I promise: We won't do anything to embarrass you.

(Chanting) We hop, we've got a pouch!

And we're big and strong!

(Chanting) When you Root for the Rangers, both: You can't go wrong!

I'm kanga!

I'm Roo!

Both: And we're mascots too!

So come to our games both: And we'll Root with you!

Hop it to the Roo, yo!

(Groaning) Yeah.

Huh? (Exhales deeply)

So?

What do you think? Right?

Huh.

Well, I for one...

Am speechless.

Yeah!

You loved it. You loved it!

Yeah!

Just so we're clear, you're gonna have your heads on the entire time, right?

You never know.

We don't know, we're artists.

You never know.

We're artists.

Okay! Big news, people.

I just scored four tickets to the junkyard bunnies concert tonight, and I'm inviting you, you and you.

If you promise not to wear that.

W-why are you wearing that?

I believe it involves a plot to destroy my life.

Hey, mom, can you, uh...

Stay home alone with a sleeping baby while you guys go to a concert and get drunk?

Thanks, mom, you're the best.

Come here, little Emma.

You can sit in grandma's pouch and I'll tell you the story about the time I dated a short Australian.

He was... (Australian accent ) A shrimp on the Bonnie.

(Mouthing)

Ben, how did you ever get tickets to the junkyard bunnies?

They're like the hottest band in the city.

Well, I'll tell you what I didn't do...

Call all the radio stations and lie about only having three months left to live.

No, I did not! (Laughs)

Oh, my God. I'm so so so excited!

Okay, um, I'm gonna go home and change.

I'll see you guys in an hour?

Perfect.

Okay.

Is it weird if I wear my Roo suit?

You know, I need to get comfortable in it enough, so that I don't even notice it's on.

Not so fast, my furry little friend.

I really only got two tickets.

I'm taking Riley.

You two just remembered that you have plans that you can't get out of.

What? How do you know I can't get out of them?!

I should at least try, right?

Danny!

I'm trying to test the waters with Riley.

Riley? I thought you were over that.

Apparently, she gave him a look.

Don't forget about the scooch.

Oh, a look and a scooch?

Oh, sh**t, man, you better just go for it then.

Thank you.

I really just need tonight to seem casual and spontaneous.

I'm thinking after the concert we go for a little romantic walk in the park.

Maybe get ourselves caught in a little downpour, huddle under my coat, until we finally end up at the bar for a nightcap.

And then as she looks up at me, I smile at her and we share our first sweet kiss.

And you think this outfit's embarrassing?

No! Stupid rain.

I can't believe I ruined my new boots.

Yeah, sorry about that.

I guess running around with a jacket on our heads probably wasn't the best idea.

(Chuckles) It's okay.

It was fun.

But you know, now that we're both single, we can totally do this again sometime.

We'll see how long you actually stay that way.

Which way?

Um, single?

Ben. No offense, but you're kinda the hookup king.

Normally, I would say thank you...

But I'm thinking about hanging up my crown.

You know, try to find the right girl.

Oh.

I didn't know you were looking.

Oh, I'm looking.

But, you know, your track record isn't exactly anything to brag about.

(Scoffs) Oh, yeah?

And what's wrong with the guys that I go out with?

Nothing, I guess, if you like guys with advanced degrees in bore-ology.

(Scoffs) Oh, okay.

Well, since you obviously know me so well, what kinda guy should I be going out with?

Okay, off the top of my head, I'm thinking a guy... Handsome, funny, good taste in music, who maybe takes an interest in your life.

Hey, great concert tonight. How's work going by the way?

You really think I could do better?

I do.

I really do.

Okay.

Then I'm in your hands.

Here? Now?

Absolutely.

I mean, since you're clearly an expert in all things Riley.

Find me the perfect guy.

Wait.

You want me to find you a date?

(Chuckling) Yeah.

It's gonna be fun.

Thanks, Ben. You want another round?

I hold her hand, I lean in for a sweet kiss...

And I set her up with another guy. Well done, Wheeler.

I'm sorry for waking you.

But if there was ever a time to call a meeting of the emergency crisis task force, it's now.

So let me get this straight.

You took Riley out on a fake date to see if she would go on a real date.

But now you have to set her up on the perfect date with someone else?

You can see why I called the meeting.

But here's the real problem: If I set her up with some loser, then she's gonna think I don't know her at all.

But if I set her up with some great guy, well, then she's going out with a great guy.

And how am I supposed to compete with that?

You can't.

Look, man, what you need is a guy who seems great.

But then turns out to be a complete and total loser.

Okay. Now that you can compete with. (Chuckles)

(Chanting) We are the Rangers.

(Chanting) The Ranger-Roos.

We're here to get you...

Into the gRoove.

We're here to dance.

We're here to sway.

Both: You got a problem?

Get out our way.

Hop it to the Roo, yo.

(Both vocalizing) ♪ hop it to the Roo, yo.

Oh. Hey, guys. I got some bad news.

I was bragging to the guys at the front office about how you two were gonna sweep the mascot competition...

Oh...

Ohh.

But then they told me, "no pairs allowed."

Really?

Are you sure?

Yeah, it's right here on the entry form.

Section "c," sub-paragraph seven...

"No pairs." (Inhales sharply)

That totally sucks.

Yeah. I know.

(Weakly) sh**t.

You know what?

You should do it.

Yeah, you came up with the whole kangaRoo idea.

Yeah, but you're the one who put "Ranger" and "oo" together.

I mean, we'd be nothing without that.

You're right.

You should do it.

Well, I really hate this idea...

But maybe neither of you should do it.

You know what? He's right.

We're either in this together or not at all.

Then it's not at all.

It's the Ranger-Roo way.

Yes!

Ben: All right, so you think you got this?

Yeah.

You want me to pretend to take your friend Riley on a date to a Rangers game.

No, not just a date. The perfect date, okay?

Here's a list of all her likes and dislikes.

I need you to charm her, woo her...

And then drop her cold.

Are you sure you like this girl?

Would I be going to all this trouble if I didn't? (Scoffs)

Now this is the important part: When the horn goes off after the first period, that's when you need to tell her you just...

You can't do this.

You just got a text from your ex-girlfriend.

I don't have an ex-girlfriend.

And we're still pretending.

What's her name?

Riley.

No! My ex-girlfriend.

Oh! Uh... Alice?

Alice. Nice!

And since you still have feelings for Alice, it wouldn't be fair to Riley.

But in your heart of hearts, you know that she can do better.

And then better swoops in and picks up the pieces...

Over and done.

But seriously, dude, why don't you ask this girl out?

I just wanna make sure things don't get too complicated.

(Crowd cheering)

(Crowd clamoring)

Come on, Wheeler!

Don't make me come down there and punch him for you.

I can't believe you're a lawyer who also loves hockey.

That's amazing.

I know. I can't believe it either.

(Chuckles) Next thing you're gonna tell me is that you're a...

Junkyard bunnies fan.

Oh, my God!

I am.

No way!

Excuse me.

I'm performing later, so...

(Chuckles) Excuse me.

Hey, Ben.

What are you doing?

And again, why are you wearing that?

Oh, well, it would be a shame if both of us missed out on this amazing opportunity, so...

Sorry. Excuse me.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Oh, pardon me. Oh, there we go.

Okay, sorry.

(Groans) Yeah, you're welcome.

Tucker?!

Mrs. Wheeler.

I thought you were going out with Vanessa.

And I thought you said you were babysitting.

Yeah, she did. Where is my baby?

And do not tell me she's in that pouch.

No, that's just my purse and a hot dog.

I got a sitter.

Well, may the best Ranger-Roo win.

Oh, don't worry, she will.

Ohh-h, okay.

Oh, yeah (Buzzer sounds)

Yes! First period's over.

And while I'm deeply enthralled in this episode of "when kangaRoos att*ck,"

I've got more important things to attend to.

Namely me... And Riley.

(Coughs)

Wait, where'd they go?

(Chuckling nervously) Hey!

Where are you two off to?

In case you missed it, that was the first period buzzer.

Oh, yeah.

It's getting a little loud in there, and I keep getting hit in the head with kangaRoo tails.

So Kevin suggested we go back to his place and watch the rest of the game.

(High-pitched) Oh, is that what Kevin suggested?

(Chuckles)

Can I borrow him for just a second?

Legal stuff. Guy legal stuff.

What is the matter with you?

This plan cannot be any simpler.

I pay you 20 bucks... You act like a jerk.

Now get to it.

Well, there's a little change of plan, 'cause I think she's totally into me.

Because I told you what to say.

I know. Thanks for that, man.

She's pretty amazing.

Duh! Which is why I'm trying to date her.

Ooh. Too late.

I think she's already seeing someone.

You are not gonna get away with this.

Sure I am.

Unless you want me to tell her the whole thing was a setup.

Yeah.

Didn't think so.

Worst 20 bucks I ever spent.

Dude, what is the matter with you?!

You let Riley go home with a total stRanger.

You've gotta do something.

Not a total stRanger.

Then call him!

I don't have his number.

Well, go to his house.

I'm not exactly sure where he lives.

Well, track him down! What's his last name?

Oh, my God. He's a total stRanger.

Ben!

(Whistle tweets)

(Crowd clamoring)

What?! Are you kidding?

Wow!

I've never seen anyone get a penalty when they were already in the penalty box.

(Buzzer sounds)

(Crowd cheering)

Announcer: And that's the end of the second period.

Now fans, please turn your attention to the jumbotron.

Time for our mascot competition.

So be sure to cheer for your favorite.

I cannot believe that I showed you my best moves.

Oh, if those were your "best moves," then I think you should just go home now.

Oh? Oh, yeah? Guess what?

You will kanga-rue the day... - (Scoffs)

... that you ever tried to cross me.

Oh, that was a good one.

Oh, it was good.

(Mockingly) Oh, so good!

Oh, my God! This is it! We're missing it!

(Crowd cheers)

Hands off my Joey!

(Gasps)

Oh, no, you didn't!

Come on!

(Grunting)

Ow!

Oh, hell nah!

(Crowd cheering)

This happens every time!

Wait, Danny. I know what to do.

I'll make this right.

Stay here. I'll be right back.

Where would I go?

I'm at work.

Pretty nice, huh?

Not exactly what I pictured for a senior partner at a law firm.

How many people do you share this place with?

Just two. And a band.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

We should probably get things moving before they get home.

Actually, um, do you think we could turn the game on before it gets too late?

I promised Danny that I'd watch.

No problem.

Thanks.

And, uh, I have two really good friends in the mascot competition at intermission.

Announcer: And it's a fluffy scuffle here at Madison square garden.

A fight has gone down amongst the mascot contestants.

Are those them?

(Scoffs) No. No no no no.

It's definitely not them.

(Thud on TV)

Crowd: Ooh!

(Crowd cheering)

"Riley, don't do it. He's a liar!"

Wait. What is that?

Is that Ben?

Hey!

What happened to the picture?

Oh, man!

And my Roommate said he paid the cable bill.

(Sighs)

"I'm the perfect guy for you!"

Okay, that was definitely Ben. But if this was his idea in the first place, why would he tell me that you're a liar?

Oh, did you think that said "liar"?

I'm pretty sure it said "flier."

'Cause, you know...

I'm also a pilot.

Wanna make out?

Okay, you know, I should probably go.

Are you sure? I don't have to be at work until noon.

Wait a minute.

Is this yours?

No.

I thought you said you worked for a law firm.

I do.

We have a really casual dress code.

Okay.

Hi.

Riley, hi.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

Saw you on TV tonight.

You did?

It really could not have been more perfect.

It couldn't?

I don't know what I would do without you.

You don't?

(Chuckles)

Yeah.

But I think from now on, I'm gonna pick my own guys.

Wait. Wait, what?

Ben, you set me up with a pathological liar.

But you do get points for saving me with that sign.

Yeah.

That sign.

Did you see any other signs?

No, was there something else?

Nothing important.

Well... (Sighs)

I guess the search for the perfect guy is... still on.

I guess it is.

Yeah.

(Inhales deeply) I guess it is.

(Cellphone buzzes)

One second.

Oh, it's my mom.

I have to go bail her out of hockey jail.

(Laughs)

Hey, but just know...

You deserve someone great.

(Quietly) Thanks.

And maybe one day you'll realize that it's you.

We are the Rangers.

(Chanting) The Ranger-Roos.

We're here to get you...

Into the gRoove.

Both: We're here to dance.

We're here to sway.

You got a problem.

Get out our way.

Hop into the Roo, yo.

What the hell is going on?

I thought the competition was over.

Well, guess what's in sub-paragraph section D?

They accept groups.

Aah!

And we still have 364 days left until next year.

I hope I get traded.