03x03 - Lights! Camera! No Action!

[bunniefuu]

Ben: All right, madam, you've sent back the peas, carrots, and even the chef's special, peas and carrots.

( Babbles )

That's right.

Now I hate to say this to my customers, but you're kind of being a baby.

Hey, will you two keep it down?

Danny Wheeler is officially on sale at the NHL store.

Dude, this is the tenth time you've called. Have you no dignity?

I'm dignified. ( Bad French accent ) Bonjour, monsieur.

I am zee French tourist.

Do you have zee Danny Veeler jersey in stockee?

( Silent )

Sure, I'll hold.

Okay. Does this suit say strong, successful TV producer?

Yeah, it does. So why are you wearing it?

Because I am only one great idea away from being bumped up to producer on "The Mary Hart Show."

Look, yesterday, I was walking down the hall.

Mary came out of her dressing room, stopped, looked straight at me.

What'd she say?

Nothing. She just kept walking to set.

But the point is she stopped.

Dude, I'm a Mary-stopper.

Yes, I'm still here.

Really? That's awesome! I mean, zhat's awesome!

My jersey's sold out!

Coming through! Pay no attention to the ass in your doorway.

Mom! Mom, I have fans, real fans.

Yeah, well, could you turn them on? I'm sweating through my good bra.

No, no, no. My jersey is sold out.

Ah, I got to tell Riley.

What's up with the old bag?

I am of course referring to the duffel.

Tucker, you look adorable.

Your school pictures are gonna turn out great.

Riley's not answering.

Damn it, Ben. I knew it.

I knew you were gonna mess things up with her.

I'm just like that psychic on the corner, except I wear pants and I'm not married to the fire hydrant.

I'm gonna go check on her.

Hey, what about me?

'Cause nobody's asking if I'm okay.

Because I'm not. I'm the one who got dumped.

Oh, sweetie, we are all so concerned.

But is he gone? Okay. All right, okay.

You guys have got to help me unload these things.

You bought all of Danny's jerseys?

Where you when I was selling homemade taquitos?

All right, Danny's contract is coming up.

And nothing says "Cut me from the team" like a bunch of unsold T-shirts.

Mom, Danny's an adult. Just tell him the truth.

We're Wheelers. We can handle it.

Really, Ben?

You want the truth?

Okay.

You never sold one tube of wrapping paper.

Your lemonade stand sucked.

And when you finally graduated from junior high, it wasn't because you were good at math. It was because I was good at flirting.

I lie to you boys to protect you.

It's called being a parent. Okay, get used to it.

( Theme music plays )

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ Can take your life and change direction. ♪

Danny, for the last time, I'm fine.

Why wouldn't you think I'm fine? I'm fine!

Riley, I've known you my entire life.

And whenever you get upset, you stress-eat.

Well, obviously, you don't know me at all because this is stress-baking.

You know? And there's a big difference ( muffled ) 'Cause in the past, I mean, I would have eaten all of these, but now I just take a bite...

Of each one.

It has been 36 hours and not one call.

I mean, why hasn't he called, Danny? Why?

Maybe it's because you told him not to.

Um, I'm a woman. I didn't mean it.

I mean, you don't get over a lifetime of love in 36 hours.

And if he did love me, he'd be here right now.

I mean, he'd fight for me, right?

I would've. I mean, he should've.

You know what I need to do?

I need to move on.

You know what? That's it.

I am moving on. I am done with Ben Wheeler.

Really?

Really.

Oh my God, this one looks like him.

One sock.

And number two.

No! No.

Why?

No, I am not wearing this to work.

And I am not booking Danny on the show. He's not famous enough.

Hey, I have seen "The Mary Hart Show."

You don't always have celebrities.

Yes, we do.

Okay, what about that monkey you had on yesterday?

He can drive a car!

Yeah, well, so can Danny!

A stick shift?!

Well, he can learn!

And that's why I put you in day care.

Oh, Ben, I keep forgetting to tell you. I got a lead on an apartment.

So it looks like I'll finally be getting off your couch.

Hey, that's great. Hey, let me call Riley and tell her the great news.

Oh wait, she's not talking to me.

Ben, I'm so sorry if I had anything to do with you and Riley breaking up.

You know, some people would say you had everything to do with it.

And I happen to be one of those people.

Well, I still think it would make our daughter happy if we at least gave it a sh*t.

Angela, we're not playing house here.

You don't even know where you're gonna be in the next month.

But that's just it. I'm ready to stay.

In fact, I was offered a big part in L.A. and I already told my agent I'm not interested.

Maybe you don't see it, but I think we have the makings of a pretty nice little family.

Oh, I see plenty.

No, seriously, go put some clothes on.

( Laughs )

Bonnie: And they're super absorbent.

Huh? Voila! Huh?

Here, take it.

Hey.

I did it. I actually did it.

Well, so did I last Tuesday, but I'm not running around bragging about it.

No, no.

I talked to Mary Hart and I convinced her to book Danny on the show.

Tucker! Thank you!

Um, yeah.

That's never happening again.

No.

So... so how did you do it?

Oh my God, you should have seen me.

I was amazing.

Yeah.

A guest canceled, so I asked if I can book Danny.

She said, "Whatever, don't talk to me."

And then that was it. Done.

Yes.

Oh wow.

It's like a Danny Wheeler fan club in here.

Hey, everyone, it's me.

Okay, sweetie, you don't want to cause a riot.

Okay, guess what? I've got even more good news.

Tucker got you an interview tomorrow with Mary Hart.

Really?

First my Jersey sells out and now I get to interview Mary Hart?

Mary, who do you like in the playoffs?

Okay.

Yeah.

Um...

Okay, maybe I'll just write out the questions and the answers that you'll be giving to Mary.

Oh, yeah. That works too.

I'll help right after you buy me lunch.

Wait, why am I buying you lunch?

Are you kidding me?

After that kiss, you should buy me dinner and a purse.

Danny, there you are. Hey, so how's Riley doing?

Is she happy, sad, conflicted, sticking pins in a small doll that looks like me?

'Cause my neck has been k*lling me all morning.

Actually, I think she's ready to move on.

Move on? As in "Ben" voyage?

"Ben" there done that?

Well, it's not like you're over there fighting for her.

Well, I would've if I thought something like that would work.

Oh my God, that could work.

Oh, I've got to go. Hey, cover for me.

Oh! Hey, mom!

Did you know they're making towels that look like my jersey?

Ben, hi. Um, what are you doing here?

We need to talk. Look, Riley, I've been a fool.

The most important thing...

Oh, why is there a half-naked man coming out of your bathroom?

Oh, hey, Ben.

You remember Fitch.

Seriously...? Riley and Fitch?!

I can't believe it. Can you believe it?

'Cause I know I can't believe it.

What are you doing?

Working on questions for Danny's interview.

If you could have dinner with Gandhi or Jesus Christ, what would you order?

Tucker, I'm having a crisis here.

I just thought I meant something to her.

But obviously she still has feelings for Fitch.

Riley does not have feelings for Fitch.

Oh, you weren't there. Trust me.

They were having feelings.

Ben, look, I believe the scientific term is called rebound.

It's what you do when you want to get over someone.

And it seems like that's exactly what Riley's tryg into do.

She's moving on.

That's what Danny said.

Well, then maybe you should do that too.

You know, if you could spend one day with Abraham Lincoln...

Would it be a Tuesday or a Thursday?

Thursday.

Mm-hmm.

Now remember, honey. You have nothing to be nervous about.

Other than the fact that this interview could make or break both of our careers.

Okay, are you ready? I'm Mary.

And we're live in four, three...

( Silent )

♪ Shwada shwada shwa ♪
♪ Mary ♪

Welcome, Danny. First question...

She does that.

Yes, I know.

What's going on in your love life? Are you single?

Tucker, you know I'm single.

Oh my God, I am not Tucker.

I am Mary. Did you not see the hair flip?

Come on. Come on.

I don't want to talk about my love life.

Can't we just talk about hockey?

Conk, click. ( Mimics snoring ) No.

Danny, nobody gives a crap about hockey.

They wanna hear about romance, affairs of the heart.

Well, I haven't had any of those since Amy and I broke up.

Ooh, Amy.

Oh, wow, so tell me about Amy. Why'd you break up?

Well, um...

I really don't want to talk about it.

Why? Was it difficult, painful, heart-wrenching?

It's just, u..

See, whenever I end up talking about Amy, I end up...

( Choked up )

I end up...

( sobs )

( Cries )

( Cries )

Oh my God, Danny. Are you crying?

No! No.

My face is just leaking. Don't look at me!

Danny, I had no idea you were so upset about her.

I'm not!

Okay.

It's just whenever I think about Amy, I think about why we broke up.

And then I end up thinking about...

Knock, knock.

Riley.

Hey, I just, um...

I got something in my eye. It's an eyelash.

Oh, look, I got it. Make a wish.

Um, is Ben around?

What do I look like? His mother?

Okay, so what we've learned so far is, um, no Amy, no hockey, and no chance of me getting that promotion.

( Laughs )

Ben, it's me. Can we talk?

( Knob rattles )

Please?

Seriously?

How is anybody supposed to get over anybody if, every two seconds, anybody is always trying to get back together with somebody?

Anybody?

You must be just wrecked that Riley just slept with Fitch.

What?!

( Cries ) When did that happen?!

Oh, honey... ( Cries )

Okay.

All right. Listen to me, Danny. I am talking to you as your mother, your manager, and someone who loves you.

We have got a lot riding on this, so you need to pull it together, leaky!

Okay, fine. You won't come out.

Um...

I'll just talk and you listen.

Look, nothing happened with me and Fitch.

I swear.

So he just came over to change his clothes?

How stupid do you think I am? Don't answer that.

Look, yes, I was mad and hurt.

And I thought that somehow it might help me move on, but I realized that I was doing it for all the wrong reasons and...

We just ended up talking.

Really?

Yes.

Ben, come on. You know me.

I would never do something like that to you.

Oh, hey, Riley.

Okay. Mary will be out in two minutes. Do you need anything?

Tea, lozenge, back pillow?

Is this really your job?

Okay, Danny, we are all set.

I talked to Jon, the camera guy and he knows to only sh**t you from the left.

And Judy, she's the makeup girl, she's on the lookout for flop sweat.

And Marco, the cue-card guy, has a thing for tall blondes.

Oh, and he made you these.

Wow, Danny, I can't believe you're gonna be on TV.

Wait, I'm not gonna be on TV, am I? 'Cause I called in sick to work, so...

Ben, you are not even supposed to be here.

I purposefully gave you the wrong time.

I invited him.

This is my first big interview. I want my brother and my best friend to be here.

I'm sorry. Your best what? Riley's not coming here, is she?

Hey, everyone, I hope we're not late.

Oh, hey, Ben. Where's your girlfriend?

Angela's not my girlfriend.

Oh no, what happened?

Did you already cheat on her with the hair lady?

You were right. This is so not awkward.

Hey, guys, do we really need to do this right now?

Yeah, Danny is right. Okay, he needs to stay focused.

And we need to make sure that he knows all of these answers.

Okay. Ooh, hey. Comfy.

No, no, no, no. That is Mary's chair.

It was molded to fit her butt perfectly.

Maybe I should tell her about the time I made a jell-o mold of my butt.

No, Danny.

If it's not on the cards, you're not saying it.

I'm not saying your stupid answers. They don't sound anything like me.

Exactly. That's the whole point.

Hey, hey, guys, do I need to remind everybody that my jersey sold out in two days?

I think it's pretty clear that Mary needs me more than I need her.

But what if she didn't?

She's coming.

You people, over there! You, up.

( Muttering ) Stop it.

What? I'm not even doing anything.

( Gasps ) Oh my God.

Oh, hey, Mary.

Hey, Mary, Bonnie Wheeler.

I'm your biggest fan.

That's nice.

But who's the tall glass of wow?

Danny Wheeler, professional hockey player filled with fascinating stories about my life on the ice.

Well, as long as you keep them to yourself, we should be just fine.

Just listen to what I...

Ben, why are we even talking?

You have no excuse for your behavior.

Would you be willing to accept you told me to get together with her in the first place?

I did not say that.

I said see if you have something. Something is not sex.

Well, how was I supposed to know that?

Yo, yo, back me up here, man.

It is a little ambiguous.

( Theme music plays )

♪ Mary

Hello, everybody, and welcome to another edition of "The Mary Hart Show."

I'm Mary Hart.

My first guest is the ridiculously handsome New York Ranger Danny Wheeler.

So, Danny, can you tell us something about yourself no one else knows?

Well, Mary, one thing that no one else seems to know about me is that I can actually answer questions on my own.

Okay.

Not necessarily something you need to tell people.

Riley, please.

There has to be something I can say to make you let this go.

Let it go? No, I cannot just let it go.

I think I should go.

No, no, no. No, no.

You are staying right here.

Because the minute this is over, we're going back to my place.

And this time, we really are gonna do it.

So just so we're clear, there are 30 teams, six divisions, two conferences, but only one Stanley Cup.

Well, I'm usually known for making people cry, but I think the only tears we're gonna see today will be mine.

No, no, no, no. We can't.

We have to do something.

If your career ended tomorrow or perhaps even right after this interview...

What would you do?

Oh God, okay, just do it.

He'll thank us for this later. Or I'll just tell him it was your idea.

Does that say "Amy"?

What? Whoa. What about Amy?

I thought we weren't gonna talk about her.

It's okay, Danny. It's just us.

Please, Riley, can't we just talk about this?

Ben, there is truly nothing to talk about.

Nothing?! No, there is everything to talk about.

How about the fact that this whole thing started when you got upset when I answered a hypothetical question about a girl I care nothing about.

Or that when you walked out, it felt like my heart had been physically ripped out of my chest.

Or the fact that any rational human being who saw what I saw would think that you and Fitch had hooked up.

Yes, hooking up with Angela was probably the dumbest thing I have ever done.

But it wasn't to hurt you, Riley.

It was to try to stop me from hurting.

And you know what?

It didn't work.

Uh...

I don't know if this is the best time to mention it, but the big guy's kind of bawling his eyes out.

Mary: Go on.

( Danny crying )

See, that's the thing about being in love, Mary.

It's great until it's not.

And then that person who was your best friend is gone.

( Cries ) I don't wanna lose any more friends.

( Blows nose loudly )

And we'll be right back.

Are you okay, honey?

'Cause we're gonna need to have you cry again when we come back from commercial.

( Laughs )

Ben, I'm sorry.

I haven't made this easy on you.

I guess we both made some mistakes.

Some worse than others.

I mean, Danny's right.

I can't lose you.

That's good. Then we're in agreement.

So we're gonna be okay? We can go back to being us?

Um, I don't think I can do "us".

I mean, maybe one day, but not right now.

Okay.

Well, then I'll look forward to that day.

So where does that leave us?

Are we still a go on the whole sex thing?

Well, I'm in town till Thursday if you change your mind.

( Trilling tongue )

Baa.

Baa?

Tucker: Yeah, and then when you really got choked up and couldn't catch your breath, the tears were streaming and the snot was flowing.

Ratings gold!

He cries! He scores!

( Laughs )

Um, did you notice there's about 20 women downstairs clutching your photo and chanting your name?

Yes, that's because I've been labeled a sensitive jock.

And later, I plan on going downstairs and getting sensitive with each and every one of them.

Hey, while you're down there, try to unload a few of these, okay?

Ask for $100, but I'll take $20.

So any luck working things out with Riley?

More like working on working things out with Riley.

Ben, look, I know it's none of my business, but you are never gonna get anywhere if you don't get rid of Angela.

I don't think that's gonna be a problem anymore.

"Dear, Ben. I took that part in L.A. You were right. I'm not ready to play house. Tell Emma I love her. Angela."

( Coos )

And she's gone again.

Apparently the only girl I'm destined to ever have a relationship with is this one right here.

( Cries ) Oh my God.

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

( Cries )

Sweetie...

♪ Mary puts the heart in Hart ♪
♪ Ma... Ma... Ma... Mary ♪

What else you got?

Okay, all right.

Let's go big.

Big g*ns, big g*ns. ( Clears throat )

♪ She's your mama, your sister, ♪
♪ and your very best friend ♪
♪ her name is Mary Hart ♪
♪ and the fun never ends ♪
♪ oh, Mary ♪

( both vocalize )

Where'd she go?

Where'd she go?

Mary?

Mary?

Mary!

Mary!

Mary, come on!

Mary, get back here...

Mary, you know you like it.