03x05 - Life's a Beach

[bunniefuu]

I got to say nothing like a day at the beach...

Even when you're nowhere near the beach.

Oh, hey, will you do my back?

Sure.

And after that, maybe I can do your front.

You wouldn't want to be uneven.

Ben, I warned you.

One pseudo-flirty comment and I'm out of here.

What?

No, I just realized that I have absolutely nothing to say.

Tucker: Mine!

Dude, that was mine.

You want to know how I know.

Because I just said "mine."

Dude, I'm a professional athlete.

They're all mine.

(Mouths)

Are you sure we have permission to be up here?

Yup, totally sure.

Completely approved.

Ben Wheeler!

What are you doing up here on the roof?

Especially since I just told you that you couldn't be up here...

On the roof.

Okay, maybe not totally approved.

As board president, it is my duty to remind you that rules are rules.

And following the rules, well, that's a rule.

So pack up your flip-flops and flap on out of here because tar beach is officially closed.

Sondra, please.

We're not hurting anyone.

Danny: Heads up!

I spiked it!

Did you see that? Here, chest bump me.

Ooh.

You got to bend down a little.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah.

(Theme music plays)

♪ it's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

And a six-pack for your six pack.

I'm telling you, she's the worst thing that's ever happened to this building.

Hey, if you got something to say to me, say it to my face.

Mom, sondra.

She's at it again.

She closed down tar beach.

She doesn't think we're responsible enough and that we're not respectful of other people's property.

Thanks for letting us borrow your umbrella, Mrs. Wheeler.

Thanks for letting me borrow your umbrella, honey.

Hey, Brad, here's a little tip if you're hanging out with the wheelers.

Uh, your stuff is their stuff so expect it to be broken, stolen, or peed on.

You know what?

I don't care if sondra is board president.

This is America. We don't put up with petty dictators.

There will be mutiny in the elevators, revolution in the hallways.

Give me tar beach or give me death!

Uh, before you start loading your musket, you should probably know if you want to make a change to the rules, just hold an election and run against her.

Oh my God, that's such a good idea.

President Wheeler.

Is it too soon to get the t-shirts made?

Honey, you are totally gonna win.

You really think so?

Oh God, no.

Everybody in this building hates you.

I mean, I'm your mother and I wouldn't vote for you.

That's not tr... okay, it's kind of hard to argue the facts.

But I just need to find a candidate to run in my place.

Someone popular, but fun...

Oh my God, hello.

Charismatic and convincing.

Have you read my online profile?

Previous experience, not a bad idea.

President of my high school chess club and the mathletes.

Dude, we were just like the athletes...

Except we got b*at up a lot.

Fine, fine. You're in.

Yes!

Something has to be done about this building.

My first constituent complaint.

How may I help you, kind sir?

There's a thief among us.

Someone keeps stealing my laundry detergent.

Yeah, don't care. (Clears throat)

Ooh, ooh. Here, okay, we should use the same slogan I used in mathletes.

"The competition better fear him.

He's like a human pythagorean theorem."

Yeah.

Yeah, I can see why you got b*at up a lot.

Hold on a second. I am checking my computer right now.

Sorry, man, I am totally booked up.

I'll call you when I'm back in the country. Bye-bye!

(Phone beeps)

And hello.

Hi.

Normally when I'm alone I just sit at the bar, but here you are and here I am, so...

So why not be alone together, right?

Right.

And now, what should I order?

What are you having?

I haven't decided yet.

But I'm definitely thinking something...

Hot.

Good idea. Soup.

I hope I'm not being too forward, but you have beautiful eyes.

Okay.

Um...

Maybe a little forward, but... thanks!

Yours are... right where they should be.

And they are looking forward to seeing things that they shouldn't.

(Chuckles)

I'm sorry. Are you flirting with me?

No, no.

I am full-on hitting on you.

Oh, my God. Why would you do that?

You're here, you're pretty, I'm bored. Pick one.

Besides, you started it.

And I am finishing it.

It's finished.

Okay, Tucker.

You just need to be capable but still a man of the people.

Sincere but smooth.

Dude, I am so smooth lotion puts me on.

(Bell dings)

(Laughs)

I got this.

Hello! Tucker Dobbs.

4d. Running for board president.

I dot believe we've had the pleasure of meeting before.

Mm, now I remember.

Hey, but to be fair, you look a lot different with the lights on.

Hope we still have your vote!

Tucker, what is the matter with you?

What? Look, I'm sorry.

It was dark.

Promises were made, and obviously, some of them were broken.

Okay, well, shake it off.

That's just one vote.

There you go, Ms. proctor.

Now just let me know if there's anything else you need, okay?

(Bell dings)

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

You want to replace me with Danny?

How could you?

No, I was thinking Mrs. proctor.

But Danny's way better.

Danny, how do you feel about a career in politics?

I don't know. I already have a job.

Now, Emma, you know that grandma is only allowed to buy one item online per day.

Which, sadly, she's already done.

So I'm gonna need you to click right there.

Oh! Next-day shipping?

Oh, Emma, you spoil me. (Murmurs)

Knock, knock. Danny, you are not going to believe what... oh! Mrs. Wheeler.

I'm sorry, I was just... I didn't mean to...

I was... hi!

Oh, Riley! I didn't... I was...

I didn't mean to... spit it out.

Okay...

Mrs. Wheeler, I'm so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, but your boyfriend kind of just hit on me.

Oh, can you blame him?

I wanted to hit you a bunch of times.

Not hit me.

Hit on me.

Oh, honey, you probably misunderstood him.

Why would he want the dinghy when he's already got the yacht?

Hey, babe, ready to roll?

Oh, hey, Brad.

Aah! Hi. Riley.

I did not see you there.

Go ahead. Ask him.

Ask me what?

Okay. All right. Fine.

Brad, Riley has got this crazy idea that you hit on her.

What? I would never do that to you.

See? I know it's been a while since you had a boyfriend, but... well, that's really all I have to say about that.

Something hot.

Beautiful eyes.

Any of this coming back to you?

Oh, okay.

I know what happened.

You must have run into my brother, tad.

We're twins.

Really, that's...

I had no idea you had a twin brother.

That actually kind of makes sense now.

(Chuckles)

Well, if that makes sense, then your B.S. Meter is on the Fritz.

Because that just pinged off the charts.

Bonnie, I swear. You have to believe me.

Oh, oh, I will.

Once you introduce me.

And if I'm not seeing double, you're gonna be single.

Well, actually tad is pretty...

I'll see what I can do.

Yeah, good. All right, Riley.

Cancel your plans. It looks like you and I are going on a double date tonight.

Oh, actually, tonight I was going to...

I'll be there.

Danny: Go rangers!

Way to go, Danny!

Yes, I think that's one more vote for Danny Wheeler... man, this is easy.

I should run for real president.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't small, medium, and large.

(Scoffs)

Hello, sondra.

Hey, did you lose something?

Like... an election?

(All laugh)

I just came by to say good-bye.

Good-bye, Ben.

Oh, are you moving out?

'Cause that would solve a ton of problems.

Right.

Totally.

Nope!

You are! (Laughs)

You see this?

It's a record of every violation you've ever committed.

She's even got pictures. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, wow. I totally forgot about that night.

I guess I can't run for real president now.

And if you don't win, which you won't, I'm having you evicted.

And this sign is going up first thing Monday morning. (Elevator dings)

You messed with the wrong girl, Ben.

The wrong girl.

Evicted?

Hey.

If she wants to play dirty, then we will play dirty.

But we should probably get some boxes just in case.

But laundry room security isn't my only priority.

I also plan on doing something about the air conditioning.

'Cause we know it sure can get hot.

At least... I know I am.

Whoo!

That's better.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Real classy.

(Door closes)

Oh, please.

I've seen you take your pants off for $1.

So was it a yes?

That was an "oh, yes."

(Laughs) Which means we could actually win this thing.

It all comes down to one deciding vote.

Old lady Curtis.

She's an 80-year-old shut-in.

How you gonna bribe her, "ab" Lincoln?

More tea, dear?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

I love tea.

Oops.

Mrs. Wheeler, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just loosening up my drink-throwing arm.

I haven't thrown a drink in a man's face since principal Roberts told me I looked pregnant.

I mean, I was, but he didn't know it.

I think you're going to feel pretty silly when two very handsome men come walking in that door.

Well, after I break up with Brad, maybe we can date them.

Yeah I just can't believe that he would do this to me.

Me! I'm an angel!

Hey, ladies! Sorry I'm late.

My brother is...

Oh, no no no.

Let me guess... medical emergency?

Called away suddenly?

Stopped at the excuse store, but they were closed?

No no no. No no. Tad is just running a few minutes behind.

And here he is now. He needs cab fare.

Typical tad. I will be right back.

Oh, that tad.

Okay, so...

I know what you're thinking.

But why would he come all the way down here just to turn around and leave?

You're right, Riley.

Maybe he'll ride back in on a unicorn.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

And so nice to see you again.

And you must be Bonnie.

Brad will not stop talking about you.

Hey, sorry about that whole lunch thing... small world.

Glasses?

Really?

Glasses.

Is that the best you could do?

I mean, come on. Hey, everybody.

Have you met my cousin Connie?

(With British accent) Oh, hello, everybody!

Hello!

Okay, so...

Not to cause any trouble here, but where exactly is your brother?

Uh, oh, he got a call.

He said he'd be like two seconds.

Let me just go and grab him.

He seems nice.

Does he?

Does he really?

I'm really sorry about the cup.

Oh... that's okay, dear.

What does "priceless" really mean, anyway?

You know, one of the other benefits of having a tall president... there's always someone available to change light bulbs.

That's how my first husband d*ed.

Changing a light bulb?

No. Interrupting me while I was having a conversation.

Mrs. Curtis, here's the truth.

Look, we don't know if we can do this, but we have to do something to stop sondra.

If we don't win this, she's going to evict the three of us and my beautiful little girl.

You wouldn't want that, would you?

Actually, I don't care one way or the other.

But I do hate that sondra.

That voice makes me grateful my hearing aid has volume control.

You have my vote.

Really?

That's great! Thank you.

That's okay. It could happen to anyone.

Here, let me...

(Loud crashing)

(Crashing, shattering continues)

So...

Can we still count on your vote?

If you can get the big one to stop moving around, sure.

Both: Really?!

Oh, my God. Thank you!

Oh! Oh.

Mrs. Curtis?

Mrs. Curtis?

Dude! How hard did you hug her?

Well, Riley, if you're keeping score, we have Brad with four appearances and tad with only two.

I'm expecting a visit from tad any moment now.

I am so sorry, bon-bon.

I don't think I've ever gotten so many phone calls in my entire life.

And it's Brad with five!

All right, you seem to be the star of this little show.

Where is tad?

Well, Brad, the last we heard tad's still stuck in the bathroom stall.

Really, they still haven't gotten him out?

I should probably go and check on him.

Yeah, yeah.

(Scoffs) Okay, either he's the worst liar I have ever met, or he thinks I am the dumbest woman on the face of the planet.

I mean, it could be a combination.

Oh, my God. You're not gonna believe what just happened.

Oh, you got that right.

I was finally able to open the stall, but then the door hit Brad right in the nose.

There's blood everywhere!

What?!

Oh, my God. Really?

Is he okay?

I think so.

I just need some ice.

Oh, yeah, here.

Here take mine.

You know, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Wheeler.

You were right.

You are just the lowest of the low.

You know, the kind of guy who thinks he can lie his way out of anything because you look like a second-rate department store mannequin.

Well, you know what...

"Brad," "tad, "or any other word that rhymes with "cad"... you can just crawl back to your outlet mall.

'Cause we ain't buying what you're selling.

Anything to add?

Nope.

Think you about covered it.

Ooh, wait.

Like riding a bike, you know?

Wait wait wait wait... Bonnie...

Riley, I can explain!

Where... where are they going?

And what did you do?

Ugh, I swear!

This purse is just gonna be the end...

(stammers) Brad?

Tad?

So do you guys want one big apology, or two little ones?

Maybe if we... Or we could just...

No, Ben, that's illegal.

Ben, it's over.

We are never gonna be winning any hearts and minds once people find out that we k*lled Mrs. Curtis.

Tucker, man, it's gonna be fine.

You weren't the one who had to climb on top of her and give her cpr!

It is never going to be fine.

I am never going to be fine.

Her teeth came out.

(Door opens)

Men.

I can't believe I made two of you.

I disgust myself.

You think you can walk all over us.

Well, guess what...

I am not a floor.

But if I was a floor, I would be covered in beautiful shag carpeting.

Sure, I might have some traffic patterns and a bald spot near the floor lamp.

But my point is... do you actually even have a point?

No, I am so upset, I have no idea where I'm going with this.

(Door opens)

(Panting) Mrs. Wheeler.

I didn't... I was...

I didn't mean to... hi!

Okay, boys, look at this face, huh?

This is the face of a true friend.

She threw a $15 cocktail into a man's face.

For me. $15.

So, remember when I said that your boyfriend kind of hit on me?

Yeah.

Well, it turns out he didn't.

And his brother tad really does exist.

Oh, why are you trying to cover up for that no-good, gorgeous man that I dumped because of you?

I can't believe God made two of them.

Oh! All right.

Oh, my God. I've gotta go.

You are dead to me.

Oh, hey, mom.

Hi, honey.

Hey, guys, it worked!

I set up a surveillance camera, and I caught the detergent thief.

Wow, that's great.

Hey, remind me to put that in today's list of amazing accomplishments... right after "we're getting evicted" and "I kissed a dead woman."

Evicted?

Oh, we'll see about that.

Danny: Wait for it.

Wait for it.

There! There.

Gotcha.

Now what have you got to say, huh?

Okay, so maybe I borrowed a few drops of your precious detergent.

It is so not a big deal.

Everyone does it. Everyone!

Ho, ho! Then I guess you wouldn't mind me emailing this video to everyone in the building.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, wouldn't I?

Obviously meaning that I would.

Boom.

(Imitates expl*si*n)

Okay! Fine!

He can be president.

Men: Yes!

Make whatever stupid rules you want.

At least now I won't have people calling and complaining 24 hours a day.

Wait, they call you?

All the time.

Oh, and no more of those horrible meetings.

So boring.

There are meetings?

Twice a week.

Plus there's the monthly chat with the plumber, the daily argument with the super, paying the maintenance bills... oh, my God.

The bookkeeping alone nearly k*lled me.

But you'll find out soon enough. See ya!

(Door closes)

(Overlapping shouting)

Congratulations, Wheeler. You saved tar beach.

And you know, if you squint, the helicopters kind of look like fireflies.

So... turns out that politics really is about compromise.

Marshmallow, madam president?

Oh, my God. How much fun is this? I love it!

I cannot believe I was gonna try to shut this down.

Oh, my God, it reminds me of when I used to go to camp.

I swear, I have a million stories from camp. A million!

So here's the first one.

One day, when I was seven years old...

I'll give you five bucks to hug Sondra.

For the last time, she d*ed of natural causes!

(Sondra talking indistinctly)