03x06 - Romancing the Phone

[bunniefuu]

(Snoozing)

And we're back!

Oh my God.

(Door closes)

I know teething is tough on Emma's gums, but it's worse on my feet.

I've been walking around the block since 5 am to calm her down.

If she's not moving, she's not not screaming.

Dude, bro, trust me, you do not have to tell the guy who is using the muffin as his pillow.

It's like living with a velociraptor.

Just... (Screeching)

But all is forgiven.

She found me the one... my perfect girl.

She snagged some girl's phone off the counter when we stopped for coffee.

It amazes me what she shoves into that stroller.

I once found half a sandwich and a bus pass.

Look, her name's Sydney, and we were made for each other.

She takes tons of awesome selfies.

I take tons of awesome selfies.

She went to Australia on vacation.

I... generally know where Australia is.

(Mutters)

(Exhales)

I'm telling you, man. She could quite possibly be my first soul mate.

Ben, that is an invasion of privacy.

Plus, she's got a boatload of hot friends.

Give me that.

It's... it's... give me... yeah. My turn.

(Cellphone rings)

Oh oh! Maybe that's her.

Here here.

All right, come here.

There we go.

Hello. Hot girl named Sydney's phone.

Yes yes! I did find it.

No no, I didn't look through it.

Although, you do have a dental appointment today at two.

(Chuckles) I wouldn't go ahead and say "lifesaver."

Just your everyday, average, single hero.

Did I say single?

(Babbles)

Yeah yeah, hey.

I get half a sandwich and a bus pass?

He gets a girl?

You owe me, baby. I will bite...

(screams playfully)

(Gobbling sounds)

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

Okay, so, what do you think?

I have to look perfect.

You look great.

But why do you even care? I thought you were just meeting some old friend from summer camp.

No, Danny, not just any friend.

I mean, Heather was my best friend.

Heather? You hated her.

She ruined every one of your summers from eight to 18, and then you ruined every one of mine calling home to complain about her.

All right, yes, we may have had our differences.

And yes, she may have beaten me at field hockey and archery and every other thing that I ever entered.

And yes, she may have stolen my boyfriend Jacob, even though she could have had any other guy in the entire camp, you know, because she's Heather and she's perfect.

And you know what? Rumor had it, she'd let you touch 'em.

Under the bra.

Why didn't I go to camp?

My point is, I'm a lawyer now...

Living on my own in the most Cosmopolitan city in the world, so in the game of life I have won!

And it'll be really nice to see her.

Whoo! Yeah!

I just had one of the most amazing conversations of my entire life.

Which is kinda sad, because you were just alone in there with Emma.

(Laughs) No.

Sydney... I found her phone.

And when we finally meet face-to-face, hopefully we'll wind up face on face, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, we always know.

(Door opens)

It's official! I'm a bench.

Well, I wouldn't go that far, but you are kinda moody.

I said bench!

(Door closes)

No.

My first realtor ad soon to be on bus benches across the city.

Well, one bench.

You have no idea how much it costs to have people sit on your face.

All right, and ladies and gentlemen...

This is the new look on Manhattan real estate!

Wow, you look so good!

Oh, my God, is that you...

Wow, my God, best photo ever!

... Or a supermodel?

What happened?!

Oh, that photographer was an idiot!

I told that stupid moron he better not screw it up.

And I think we know what happened.

You guys, I look like grandma!

(Screaming)

(Both giggling)

Oh, my gosh, Heather, it is so good to see you.

You look amazing.

And you haven't changed at all.

Well, I lost 90 pounds, two feet of hair and a speech impediment.

Well...

You look exactly the same to me.

So how have you been? Tell me everything!

Uh, well, I'm a lawyer now, so I've been pretty busy enforcing the law.

That is so crazy.

So am I!

Actually, I just made partner.

Youngest in the firm.

That's why they moved me out here.

(Both chuckle)

Partner?

Really?

Yeah.

God. Well, who wants to talk about work, right?

Um, so, I heard through the grapevine that you're living with your parents again.

(Exhales) Bummer.

I live alone.

You're so lucky.

It's gonna take like two months to renovate the new condo I just bought.

You bought?

Can you... just... can you excuse me for a second?

I'm gonna use the ladies' room.

Take your time.

I'm sure you wanna fix your hair.

Danny, get down here right now.

I'm losing the game of life!

No, I'm not calling you about a board game.

Bonnie: Okay, Tucker, I need an expert opinion.

Which picture should I use for my new ad?

Oh, Mrs. Wheeler, you have come to the right place.

I work in TV, and shining up crap is what I do for a living.

What you need is a slogan.

Something that will grab people's attention and make them say, "I must have this Bonnie Wheeler woman". oh, yeah yeah. How about this?

Um...

Okay.

"If I can't find you a pad, oops, my bad."

(Mouthing)

Ohh, thank God you're here.

I'm over an hour late to meet my dream girl.

Here. Emma finally just stopped crying.

This teething thing bites.

That's why God invented rum.

Mom, they don't give liquor to babies anymore.

I wasn't talking about the baby.

(Cellphone rings)

(Gasps) Oh, my God, it's her again.

Hey, Sydney.

No no, I'll be there in 20 minutes.

(Sydney shouting)

You don't mean that.

Or that.

Oh, come on. That was just mean.

(Cellphone beeps)

Now what am I gonna do?

She hates me, and she hasn't even met me yet.

Ben, I heard her screaming from all the way over here.

Look, if I were you, I would go find some other Ben Wheeler to go give her back her phone.

Oh, my God. That's such a good idea.

You can go give her back the phone.

And when she's done screaming at you, also known as me, I'll swoop in and be not me.

Tucker, you're a genius.

No no no no no.

Last time I heard "Tucker, you're a genius,"

I ended up in zoo jail.

But you got to hold the koala.

That's true. (Chuckles)

Ooh! I got it.

"Bonnie Wheeler...

Keepin' it real... tor."

Yeah?

(Emma screams)

Yeah! Huh?

Okay, so, here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna see me from across the room, find me just wildly attractive and come over and hit on me.

Got it. What's my backstory?

You're a hockey player...

Ohh, that's good. I can play that.

Okay, who really really likes me.

I can play that too.

Okay.

I'm goin' in.

And then I said, "no, you're out of order."

(All laugh)

All right, shoo shoo shoo shoo, with all of you boys.

Sorry, we're having a conversation here. Bye bye bye bye.

Oh, God, I am so sorry.

Things are just crazy at the office.

Depositions, contracts, finishing my novel.

Excuse me, I just saw you from across the room and find you wildly attractive.

I just had to come and hit on you.

Oh, my gosh. That is so sweet.

(Exhales) I'm a hockey player.

Really? I love hockey.

I used to play in high school.

Seriously? That is so cool.

Okay. No, you didn't, no, she didn't.

Well, I bet I can score on you any day.

Oh-ho, I don't know...

I'm a professional.

(Chuckles) I wasn't talking about skating.

Neither was I.

Okay. Hey hey. Over here, let's focus.

We probably shouldn't make my friend over here feel like a third wheel.

So how about you call me later?

Sure. What's your number?

Oh! The card, right.

I should probably go.

(Exhales) Oh, my God.

How cute was he?

Well, thank God you liked him, 'cause I was like, "blech!" You know?

Ooh, there she is.

Okay, just a quick "here you go," and then get out of my way.

Okay, cool. But after this, I'm gonna need you to be me at work, and return a stapler to a large woman named Janet.

Sydney? Ben. Here's your phone.

Oh, I'd say "nice to meet you," but that ship sailed about three lattes and two muffins ago.

Well, pardon me for having a life.

Oh, do you? That's so great.

I wonder what that's like.

Hey, girl, I came all the way uptown for this.

The least you could do is say "thanks."

(Sarcastically) Thanks.

Ooh, I do not like your tone.

What is...

Excuse me, is this guy bothering you?

Oh, he certainly is.

Well, then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave this woman alone.

Run along now.

(Both chuckle)

Thank you.

That guy was such a jerk.

I'm Sydney.

Pleasure to meet you.

I'm... Tucker.

Tucker Dobbs.

Tucker, you, my friend, were perfect.

Thank you. Sydney is amazing.

Yeah yeah, she's something, all right.

Ha! Well, it doesn't really matter what you think about her, Ben, because Tucker got her number and he plans to use it.

(Cellphone rings)

Uh-oh.

Sydney's got Ben's number and is using it.

To video chat. Dude, what does she want?!

Here, you have to be me. Answer it!

Answer it!

(Beeps)

Hello, Sydney.

Ben, I'm so sorry.

I don't know what came over me today, but the truth is, you're really cute.

And I've been thinking about you all day.

Aw, I've been thinking about you too.

No, you haven't.

Ask about me!

So, what about that other guy?

The Mr. "hey, is this guy bothering you?"

(Chuckles) Tucker, he was nice.

But he's not the guy I talked to on the phone for two hours this morning.

Yes, he is!

So, I was wondering, maybe, we could try that again sometime.

Are you asking me out?

No! She's asking me out.

You're just the face of this operation.

Now use it to tell her no.

Fine.

Okay.

Sorry about that.

So...

When did you wanna get together?

Oh, you... for the last time, I'm sorry.

What was I supposed to do? Just ignore her?

Yes yes. You could ignore her, 'cause that was the whole point of the whole thing.

Then I am so canceling our date tonight.

You made a date with her?

No!

We were just gonna go out for a drink...

And dinner.

Danny... you know what? Go.

I don't even care.

I'm sure Heather would actually implode if somebody canceled on her.

You know what?

That is actually a really good idea.

Hey hey hey, I don't need some girl imploding all over me.

No no no, I think it's time to do unto Heather as Heather has done unto me.

You are so keeping that date.

Oh, my God.

(Reading sign) "Looking for a HOT property? Let's go home together"?

What exactly is your mother selling?

Hey, kids!

So, what do you think of the new bench?

I'm getting loads of calls.

Apparently, there are tons of men in this city without apartments.

(Cellphone rings)

And there is one now.

Yello?

Yes, this is Bonnie.

Yeah, well, I don't know if the curtains match the drapes.

It's a new listing.

Mom! Mom! Mom.

I think it might have been helpful if you'd mention that you were selling real estate.

What else would I be selling?

Oh, my God. I have to cancel some appointments.

(Gasps)

How could the company logo get left off?

Tucker said he would take care of everything.

He came up with the slogan, and he said that he would proof it for me and make sure that no...

Oh, Tucker!

Hi, guys.

Oh, cool, it's up.

Huh. You know, now that I see it, you kind of look like a prost*tute.

You think?!

Oh, my God!

Okay, listen, you filthy old pervert, never call this number again!

Oh. Sorry, grandma. (Chuckles nervously)

Go like this. Emma, go like this.

Let me see how many you got. Huh?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, Ben, you gotta help me.

I'm not talking to you.

I wasn't gonna go out with her!

(Running footsteps approaching)

Where is he?!

Bedroom.

You are dead!

Aah!

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

No! No!

No no! Oh, fake-out!

Aah!

Ha ha ha!

Oh, no, you don't!

(Pounding on door)

And why would you wanna go out with someone who wants to go out with me?

She doesn't wanna go out with you, she wants to go out with me.

Okay? So this is what's gonna happen.

You're gonna go out with Sydney and you're gonna be the biggest jerk who ever lived.

But I don't even know how to be a jerk.

Don't worry. I do.

Tucker, open up. I'm not mad anymore.

Alright, Heather should be here any minute.

Oh, God, I can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees us together.

I kinda feel bad about this.

Oh, yeah yeah, whatever. Take your shirt off.

Are you sure?

Oh, my God, come on. Work with me here, Wheeler.

We have to make this look really good.

Now, uh, get down on the couch.

Let's do this.

Uh...

How long are you gonna be on top of me?

Oh, God, sorry. Am I too heavy?

That is so not the problem.

(Knocking on door)

Hello? Danny, are you...

(gasps) Oh, my God.

Danny? Riley?

What is going on?

Oh, no, Heather, this is so not what it looks like.

Actually, it's exactly what it looks like.

Oops.

What is wrong with you?!

I can't believe you would do this to me!

Yes!

That was awesome! I won! I finally won!

Oh, my God, it's like she couldn't even comprehend what was happening.

And did you see the look on her face?

That was the face of defeat.

That was my face. She was me!

Which means...

That I was her.

Oh, my God.

Oh. Ew. God, I'm a horrible person.

Oh, why didn't you say something?

We have to go after her. Are you coming?

Um, no, you go on ahead. I'm just gonna stay here for a minute or two.

No reason.

Ben, this just is not going to work.

I mean, let's face it. I am just too darn lovable.

Don't worry. I'll walk you through it.

Just do everything I say.

Oh, here she comes. Here she comes.

Here you go.

(Chuckles)

Oh! I know exactly what to say.

(Clears throat)

I hope you brought a lot of cash, because I'm planning on getting trashed!

(Both laughing)

And I hope you're ready for trouble, 'cause I'm ready to see double!

Ho ho!

Oh, my God. She really is the perfect woman.

Oh, there she is.

Let me just talk to her alone for a second.

Hey, you workin' or lurkin'?

Lurkin'. Tucker's being me, and I'm being him.

Fun! Who am I?

You're just you, okay?

I'm trying to break up with a girl who's impervious to even my jerkiest moves.

Both: ♪ and the home of the... ♪

(Both belch loudly)

(Laughs)

(Sighs)

Heather.

I owe you a huge apology, because what you saw back there, it wasn't even real.

The guy is a friend of mine.

I don't understand.

I guess I just wanted to feel like I'd finally won at something.

And I wanted to hurt you the way that you hurt me when you stole Jacob.

Who's Jacob?

Jacob. (Scoffs)

My boyfriend at summer camp.

My first kiss. My second base.

You never had a boyfriend at summer camp.

Uh, yeah, I did until you swooped in with your quick-release bra.

Okay, let me start over.

Now just tell her you're looking to scam with someone, not actually date right now.

Oh oh, I know, I know.

Tell her her hair smells nice.

You are so bad at this.

This why I had to learn everything I know off the streets.

Hey! I know how to get girls.

I'm meeting up with one right now.

And I have to say, she's pretty hot.

And in the end, I just realized what a horrible person I was becoming.

And by horrible, you mean just like me?

Oh, my God. So you do understand?

Friends again?

So, are you ready to kiss and make up?

I know I am.

Oh, good, I was hoping you two would be here.

I did it.

I made it clear what I was selling.

And now I can go back to just giving the other part away.

Hey, hooker heels, hold this.

And... (Imitates drum roll)

Ha!

Wheeler?

You aren't related to a Ben Wheeler, are you?

Oh, yeah. He's my brother.

Weren't you like totally in love with that guy?

Seriously, it was like all you ever talked about.

No no, it wasn't.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Ben Wheeler was the name of the pillow you were always making out with.

Are you guys looking for a Ben Wheeler?

'Cause I'm having drinks with him over there.

Oh.

Oh, no, that's not Ben. That's Tucker.

No, it's not.

Oh, no.

That's Tucker, all right. That son of a bench.

A word, tuck tuck?

Oh, my God!

Oh!

No! Really?

Yeah!

No.

No! Oh!

Oh, God!

It was lovely to meet you.

Ben!

No no no no no. Actually, I'm Ben.

What the hell is going on?

It's kind of a long story.

Try me.

Okay.

Well, I liked you and you liked me, but then you got mad, so I sent him in to be me, but then you liked him.

But he was just pretending to be me.

So I sent him in to be me to make you not like him, but it turned out you liked him, which means you like me.

It's actually kinda simple when you think about it.

Well, unfortunately, I, who's also me, doesn't really like either one of you anymore.

In fact, you, meaning you...

Are kind of a jerk.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I don't wanna get in the way of anything.

You know, if you have any overnight guests.

Riley, it's not...

Just let me finish.

I never should have put you in that position.

And if you like Heather, then I am totally fine with the two of you going out.

We're not going out.

She kinda disappeared right after you left.

Oh, thank God. 'Cause that last thing I said I really didn't mean it.

(Door opens)

Oh.

Oh, morning, Riley.

Danny, I thought you just said that... don't look at me. She's not mine.

Good morning. Hi.

Good morning.

Hey, have you guys met Heather yet?

Well played.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Hold it up, grandpa. Move along, all right?

I'm selling dreams here. Okay? Yeah.

Shuffle along. Go go go go go go.

Bonnie Wheeler, family realtor.

Bonnie Wheeler, just a single mom trying to make a living.

Bonnie Wheeler, hot property.

You know, just babysitting. She's not mine.

Oh, yeah. I got all day.

I got nowhere to be. Walk slow.