03x08 - A Knight to Remember

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Emma is officially...

Renaissance faire ready.

Now, remember, do not kiss the first prince you meet.

You know, unless it's that new royal baby.

Which in that case, lock that down.

Ooh, preparest thee, fair Emma, for the grandest time of thee wee life.

I'm not even sure Emma should be going to this thing.

Ren faire's just full of rowdy dudes on a quest to take home a drunken wench.

Um, hello.

In that case, lower the drawbridge.

I'm going in.

So, what do you think?

Ren faire can't suck when you've got friar Tuck.

Yeah.

Emma doesn't have a choice, but why are you going to the dork ages?

Dude, this is my job.

I'm working on a piece for "the Mary Hart show."

"Ren faire: Nerds gone wild." (Chuckles)

I'm a respected TV journalist.

Aah.

And Tucker Dobbs reporting live from the floor.

(Cellphone rings)

It's him. It's your dad.

Answer it. You know the drill.

Right.

The law office of Tucker Dobbs, how may I direct your call?

Hello, Mr. Dobbs.

Mr. Dobbs is just walking in. Here.

Hey, dad. (Chuckles)

No no no no.

Just getting ready for court.

What's up?

The law office of Tucker Dobbs?

Yeah, Tucker's dad thinks he's a lawyer.

Since when?

Since he told him he graduated from law school.

Okay, but Tucker dropped out of law school like three years ago.

I know that and you know that, but his dad doesn't know that.

Why couldn't he just tell him the truth?

Well, in his family, you're a doctor, you're a lawyer or you're an orphan.

But all Tucker's ever wanted to do is work in TV.

So I might have suggested that he drop out and pursue his dream.

Well, has anyone ever suggested that you stop suggesting things?

All the time.

But his parents never come into the city.

Trust me, it is so not a big deal.

My dad's in town.

And now it's a big deal.

(Theme music plays)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

Tucker: You know my dad will freak out, but I can't keep this up.

You know my knowledge of the law is limited to TV shows and that time we went to jury duty just to pick up girls.

Look, I don't care who she k*lled.

That defendant was guilty of first degree sexiness.

You may not know anything about the law, but we do know someone who does.

Well, unfortunately the deposed is indisposed and won't be re-disposed until an undisclosed time.

So in other words, I'm gonna be a while.

Oh!

It's all right. I've got you.

Yes. Yes, you do.

No bones broken, I hope.

Oh, no.

Riley, are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Sorry, I'm so clumsy.

Well, you look perfect from where I'm standing.

Yeah, whatever, man.

Come on, we need your help.

Who is that?

Have you ever seen him before?

What do you know about him?

Riley, if I ever start noticing the guys who come in here, it's gonna become a very different kind of bar.

Okay, I'm gonna need you to tell me like a dozen lawyery things.

Ooh, can I borrow these?

No no no no.

Lawyer-client confidentiality.

Ooh, that's a good one. Keep 'em coming.

You're on your own.

All right, I'm meeting Danny to finalize our costumes.

I'm kind of playing hooky for the rest of the afternoon.

Wait, so you're taking the afternoon off and you won't be back in your office?

Well, not unless I run into my boss at the wench section at wig world.

So you're not gonna be back to the office today at all?

Riley: Okay, here's an idea.

All the energy that you use to act like you're listening, try using it to actually listen.

Hey, ren boy.

You ready to get medieval?

You have to help me. Mom wants to come with us.

So the more the merrier, right?

No son ever needs to see his mother dressed up like a wench.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for boobs, just as long as they didn't feed me at some point.

(Cellphone vibrates)

Oh, no, it's my coach.

I told him I was at home sick in bed.

(Coughs) Hey, coach.

Oh, hey, mom.

Oh, hey, honey.

Hey, Riley, I'm glad you're here.

Okay, could you help me with my costume?

You know, I need something that features the girls, but is still street legal.

Hey, breadstick, what's up with the mooney face?

I don't know. Have you ever just like looked into a guy's eyes and thought he could be the one?

Yeah, this morning at the bank.

Yesterday at the supermarket.

And two weeks ago at the DMV.

I'm not real choosy.

Wait.

Just now this happened?

I know, I know. It's so silly.

But something about the way he looked at me literally took my breath away.

Really?

Oh oh, my God. Okay, um...

Well, you... you... you need to say something.

Oh my God, no. I could never.

I mean, what if he doesn't like me back?

Oh, he does.

Yeah, I mean, you know, what's not to like?

(Knocking)

Ben: Mr. Dobbs.

Come in.

Mr. Dobbs, your dad.

Tucker.

(Laughs)

Aww.

(Laughs)

Uh?

Uh?

(Awkward laughter)

Well, look at you.

My son the lawyer.

I cannot believe I'm finally standing in your office.

It's unbelievable.

It most certainly is. (Chuckles)

Now now, Mr. Dobbs, I think this wall of diplomas begs to... oh, right, I'm having them cleaned.

Well, dad, now that you've seen my little corner of the world, let's go have a drink, and you can tell me all about yours.

Are you kidding me? I'm not leaving now.

He's not leaving.

Oh, no, I want to hear about some of your cases.

So what are you working on?

Cases?

Well, uh, there's, uh...

Lawyer-client confidentiality.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. What he said.

(Laughs) That's my boy.

Honest as the day is long.

I wouldn't be surprised if you ended up a judge one day.

Yeah, well, a lot of people would be.

But now that I know that you're truly passionate about the law, I'm gonna set you up with some of my friends.

We're gonna get you a better job.

You know, I'm actually pretty happy right here.

Are you kidding me?

The guy who gets my coffee has a bigger office than this.

Yeah, I will have that to you in like two... what are you doing here?

Honey!

Dad, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend...

Winifred.

Marshall Dobbs. So happy to meet you.

(Laughs) We should go.

Don't forget the Jensens are expecting us at 8:00.

I told them you'd be bringing your ambrosia.

Bye, darling. Okay, come on.

(Nervous laughter)

Here, you're probably gonna want this back.

I broke it.

Bonnie: So what do you say, Emma?

Should we saddle him up and ride him to ren faire?

We are so winning the costume contest this year.

And wait till you see the skit that Riley and I been working on.

It's about the black plague. It's hilarious!

Yeah, okay, honey, but have you maybe considered going in a slightly more romantic direction?

You know, with the skit and the costume.

Why? This thing's a guaranteed wench-magnet.

The only thing that would be better is if I had a unicorn horn.

Turns out those things are impossible to find.

Yeah yeah, sure. But, honey, Riley is going with you.

So?

Okay, maybe you better sit down.

Yeah, I guess standing is fine.

Okay, remember when I told you that maybe you should let Riley go?

Well, maybe...

I put the cart before the horse.

Mom, what are you saying?

Oh, no no. I can't, I can't.

Yes yes yes, you can.

Okay.

All right, Danny, I think that Riley might be into you.

What?! Why do you think that?

Well, she kind of told me.

And now I'm kind of telling you.

I don't believe you.

Well, then test the waters.

You know, just put a little something out there and see if she gives you a little something back.

(Sighs)

Yeah.

I don't know.

I've been putting out there for like 15 years.

Yeah, but, Danny, she called you "the one."

The one what?

Okay, I can lead you to water, Danny, but I can't make you think.

Hey, there's my legal eagle.

How did it go? Does your dad still think you're a lawyer?

Yep. (Laughs)

Yep, he does.

Dude, that's great.

Yeah, in fact, we ran into his friend Bob.

Yeah, he's also a lawyer.

Owns a big firm.

And I managed to convince him too.

Tucker, man, you're amazing.

Yeah, I know, I am.

There's just one little problem.

Bob offered me a job.

I start on Monday.

He offered you a job and you actually accepted?!

What's the matter with you?!

I panicked.

But I do get an office with a window.

Good, you can jump out of it when they find out you're not a lawyer!

Dude, you've got to help me.

What am I gonna do now?

Okay, Tucker, I'm gonna suggest something drastic, something crazy, something even I would never do.

Tell him the truth.

What else you got?

Tucker, man, it's time you stopped lying.

He's your dad. He'll understand.

Face your fears. Follow your dreams.

Let nothing stand in your way.

That sounds a lot like the speech you gave me when you talked me into dropping out of law school.

I thought that sounded familiar.

Danny: "Lovely maiden fair, look into my...

Heart?

And tell me that you...

Love me."

Um, are you sure about this new skit?

'Cause I kind of miss all the old jokes about death and sadness.

But the romantic ones always win.

So I thought that maybe we could switch it up.

Just keep reading.

Uh, fine.

"And to you, kind sir, there is nothing to tell for my heart has always been true. So upon these lips I place a kiss."

Oh my God.

Danny: Oh my God? "Oh my God" good? Or "oh my God" bad?

So good. Um, amazing, great.

Actually, can we do this again later?

I got to... um, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Oh! Did you see that?

Mom, you were right.

She really does have feelings for me.

Okay, did I tell you or did I tell you?

You told me. And tomorrow, I'm gonna tell her.

It's gonna be like a fairy tale.

Yeah, the one where she rides off into the sunset...

On you.

Maybe we should rethink that costume.

You know, before you give it back, can I borrow it just for like one weekend?

Tucker: I don't know if I can do this.

Hey, you'll be fine.

Just look your dad in the eye and tell him the truth.

I'm here for you, man.

(Knocking on door)

Oh my God, it's him!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

There's my legal eagle.

Ready head out and do some celebrating?

Um, yeah, dad, before we go, we need to talk.

What's he doing here?

He lives here.

You live with your assistant?

Yeah, it's part of what I wanted to talk to you about.

You're gay?

I'm not gay.

Does your girlfriend know?

I don't have a girlfriend.

Well, I guess we know why.

(Emma cries)

And you have a baby?

No, she's not my baby.

She's actually my baby.

Tucker, the least you could do is adopt your gay lover's child.

Oh my...

I thought we raised you right.

No, dad, just... let me start all over.

Okay, we are not gay.

Ben is my friend.

And most importantly...

I'm not a lawyer.

Oh, yes, you are.

I dropped out of law school after first semester.

I work in TV. I'm trying to become a producer.

It's my dream.

No, it's not.

Yes. Yes, it is.

I've told you that every time you've asked me what I wanted to be.

But you got that great scholarship.

I might have lied about that too.

But thanks for that graduation trip to Mexico.

Fantastico.

So to obtain this so-called dream, you decided to lie to me...

Oh, no.

And to your mother, to mock us and everything we value and stand for?

Dad, I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't be.

It's no longer a concern of mine because from now on, I no longer have a son.

Wait, dad, let me explain.

You should probably let Bob know you won't be in on Monday.

(Babbles)

Okay.

Listen, if this is lame, we need to have a signal.

So flap your wings twice and we will skip out and get tacos.

Yes yes, I know.

Knock knock.

One not-so-fair maiden reporting for duty.

Oh my gosh, what a coincidence.

That's exactly what I wore to prom.

Uh, where's Danny?

Oh, he asked us to meet him at the train station.

He had a last minute costume change.

So how's everything on the love front?

You still all breathless?

Yeah, but that may be the corset talking.

So you haven't changed your mind, have you?

No, I saw him yesterday.

And it's all I've been thinking about.

Oh, that's good.

I just wish I at least knew his name, you know?

Oh, that's not good.

I'm sorry, um, who are you talking about?

The guy from the bar.

Who are you talking about?

The guy from the bar.

I mean, who else would I be talking about?

You know what, Riley? We've got a couple two, three things to do before we go.

So why don't you just run on ahead and I will meet you there, okay?

All right, sounds good.

All right.

Well, I will see you in medieval times.

Fair thee...

Oh my God.

Fair thee... what the hell did I just do?

Okay.

All right.

Okay, Danny, answer.

Answer answer.

(Emma cries)

Oh, don't judge me.

(Cellphone rings)

(Ringing continues)

Mr. Dobbs.

I have nothing to say to you.

Oh, no, please please. Just give me two minutes.

That's all I need.

Look, I have no idea what you think of me.

I think you're selfish and immature, and of indeterminate sexual orientation.

Now we know.

But there's one thing that you and I have in common.

We're both fathers.

And dad to dad, I would never turn my back on my little girl.

Well, you check back with me in 20 years when she's crushed all the hopes and dreams you've had for her.

That's just it! Those are your hopes and dreams.

Not Tucker's.

Look, you're never around, so you wouldn't know.

But for the first time in his life, he's really happy.

He loves working in TV.

You mean poisoning the minds of millions with crap repackaged as art?

People seem to like it? I don't...

Just come with me to see him work.

And you'll see how competent and capable he really is.

And how passionate he is about his work.

I'm thinking you're gonna be very impressed by what you see.

(Bells ring)

I thought the bells would cheer me up.

They don't...

(Ringing)

Very much.

Danny?

Or should I say, sir Danny?

At your service, milady.

You look amazing.

And you look... you look amazing.

Like my knight in shining armor.

That was kind of the point.

Riley, I was gonna wait until the ren faire to tell you this, but that would just be more time without knowing exactly how...

(Bonnie grunts)

(Pants)

Oh, whew!

Okay, somebody should check Emma's teeth for bugs because we just set some sort of stroller speed record.

Uh, mom, we're in the middle of something.

Yeah, and if you get to the end of it, it's going to be the end of me.

Danny, me thinks thou should shutteth uppeth.

Not now. Riley, you need to hear this.

Ow ow, easy there, robo-knight.

Excuse me, is this knight bothering you?

She's fine.

I wasn't talking to you.

I'm fine.

You heard her.

Again, not talking to you.

Fine because I think we're done talking.

Is that how we're playing it?

It most certainly is.

No no no.

Oh, Danny!

Bonnie: Danny, no, Danny.

Riley: Stop. Stop it.

Stop, okay. (Screams)

Bonnie: Okay, all right. Here we go.

Here we go, all right.

Danny, stop.

(Riley screams)

Bonnie: Danny!

Oh my God.

Oh no.

Danny, no no no.

Bonnie: Stop it.

I got your back, Danny!

Eat bells, tin man!

(Grunting)

(Screaming)

Dad?

Well, I know I'm impressed.

How about you?

Oh my God, Danny. Are you okay?

You are such a jerk.

Oh my God, are you okay?

You are such a jerk.

I was afraid I'd never see you again.

I'm Philip.

I'm Riley.

What are the chances we'd both be going to ren faire?

Unless you're an actual knight.

That's cool too.

This is him.

Oh, so that's the one.

Yeah, it turns out he's the one.

Yeah, I got that part.

Um, look, Danny, I am so... why do people even listen to me?

(Laughs) Damsel in distress!

Coming through!

Dad, what are you doing here?

I just brought him by to see you at work.

And I've seen enough.

Oh, hell no.

You don't get to walk away from me twice.

Do you know what being a dad means?

Unconditional love and support.

And you know who taught me that?

Ben.

Oh, thanks, man.

You might want to take your hat off, I'm just saying.

But it should have been you.

So you can pretend you don't have a son, disown me, whatever. I don't care.

I'm done lying about what I do.

I'm following my dream and I'm happy.

This is who I am.

Now you can go.

That was a great speech.

Reminds me of the one I wish I'd given my dad.

What are you saying?

What I'm saying is I made a mistake.

And I'm sorry...

That I've been so closed-minded.

But what I'm really saying is is that I'm very proud to call you my son.

That was a great speech, Tucker.

Maybe you should have been a lawyer.

(Mouths)

Bonnie: Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Except I lost the instructions on how to get out of this suit.

I'm really sorry about Riley.

Don't be.

It's all good.

Riley might think she found her knight in shining armor, but I know how this story ends.

With me.

I'm her prince charming.

Then, to your happily ever after.