03x10 - An Affair Not To Remember

[bunniefuu]

Stop moving, or you're gonna ruin your mani-pedi.

After this pedi, I'm gonna have to return my man-i card.

You know, if you had a girlfriend, you could do all this naily, buffy, fluffy stuff with her.

But you're the best kind of girlfriend there is.

You're not a girl.

You know, women can be so gossipy.

Oh my God, did I tell you what my boss, Ms. Jensen, said yesterday?

Oh my God, what?

She asked me to lunch.

Which means she's gonna ask me to the spa retreat, which leads to taking me under her wing, junior partner, partner, and one day, I'll be intimidating some poor girl over lunch.

Ben: Come on, Tucker. Why not?

Ohh! Here, take Emma.

(Murmurs)

Give me one good reason why I can't meet your new girlfriend.

Ben, you asked my last girlfriend if she wanted to play peek-a-boob.

And then you told her I moved when you decided you didn't like her anymore.

She was getting kind of clingy.

Oh, Ben, a new girlfriend is like a gentle flower.

She needs to be cared for and nurtured before she can blossom.

And you, my friend, are relationship weed k*ller.

Oh!

Hey, guys. What's going on?

(Chuckles)

Hey man, you can put socks on all you want, I still know it's pink under there.

Tucker won't introduce us to his new girlfriend, Stephanie.

Oh, I already met her. She's nice.

Yeah, me too. Super cute.

(Mouthing)

Tucker!

Come on, man, I promise I'll be good.

I'll do anything. Name it.

Breakfast, lunch, dinner, cocktails?

Just say when and where.

Fine.

She's in a play tonight. Why don't you come see it?

Could she be in a movie?

I like those way more.

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

Ben: Well, I guess this could be fun.

The last time I saw a play, you were prince charming and Riley was tree number two.

At least tonight mom won't be in the audience trying to start the wave.

(Laughs)

Well, let's just try to remember we're here to support Tucker.

(Cellphone buzzes)

(Beeps)

Guess what? Tucker's stuck at work.

He's not coming.

Well, if I knew that, I wouldn't have spent 20 bucks to show I was a caring friend.

Oh, here she is. Stephanie Morris.

She kind of looks familiar to me.

That's her.

I just wish that I could place her.

I...

Release myself.

And now I've placed her.

Oh, this is not good.

Really? I like it.

Why don't we go to the theater more?

How could you not remember dating her?

I don't know. There's been like five or six Stephanies since then.

Look, if they want me to remember faces, they should put them closer to the parts I'm looking at.

So have you told Tucker yet?

Yeah, I was like "hey, bro, I dated Steph like three years ago.

She totally hates me.

Oh, and I saw her naked again."

And then we hugged and he gave me a best friend trophy.

Oh, good. I was afraid that he was gonna be upset.

No, I didn't tell him!

If she finds out that I'm his roommate, she'll dump him in like two seconds.

What did you do to her?

Look, she had a really hot sister and a nice car.

It was a crime of opportunity.

You're probably wondering why I asked you to lunch today.

You want to invite me to super swanky spa day at three pines spa from 10:00 to 2:00 on Wednesday?

That's just a guess.

Oh, hey, Riles.

Working through lunch by not being at work again?

Mrs. Wheeler, you remember Ms. Jensen, my boss.

As I recall, last time I saw you, you were threatening to sue me.

Well, don't you have a terrific memory.

What do you say we try to lose it, huh?

Drinks on me.

So what do lawyers drink?

Scotch with an "ambulance" chaser?

(Laughs)

I won't "object" to that.

Oh. (Chuckles)

You care to join us?

No no no, she is far too busy.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Oh. Your daughter is adorable.

Oh, thanks, thanks.

But she's not mine.

My son knocked up some girl he barely knew.

He's thoughtful like that.

That's exactly how I got my grandson.

Honey, we are far too young and pretty to be grandmas.

Okay, you are telling me.

Come on, hello.

Look at that, yeah.

This is fun. Thank you so much for stopping by, but Ms. Jensen and I have some important business to handle.

No, we don't.

Oh, but I forgot to mention all the guests get to bring a plus one.

I don't trust a woman who doesn't have any girlfriends.

That's great, 'cause I have oodles.

Really?

Name one oodle.

Well, you-dle.

Perfect. Then you can bring her to spa day.

(Gasps) Ooh, spa day.

Oh, I love a good massage.

Swedish, thai, hands of some young guy.

(Both chuckle)

I just need to avoid her until the relationship runs its course.

I give it like two weeks Max.

It's not gonna be a problem.

It's a problem.

Hey, what's up, Danny?

Tucker, Stephanie, hi.

I almost didn't recognize you with your clothes on.

What are you talking about? What is he talking about?

Oh, her play.

The informatively titled "the naked girl."

I thought that was a metaphor.

Didn't I mention that?

No. No no no. I think I would have remembered.

Yeah. I think I would have invited a very different group of people to see it.

Riley: I can't believe I have to take your mother as a plus one.

I mean, I could have scrounged up a girlfriend if I had to.

(Sighs) What if she embarrasses me?

Then the world is a fair place.

Stephanie?

Danny, hi.

I seem to keep running into you everywhere.

Stephanie?

Oh, hi.

You can have my room in like two minutes.

Or here's a crazy idea maybe you two gal pals could try on clothes together.

Why would we do that?

Because it's what girlfriends do.

(Whispers) Oh, right. Thank you.

Um, of course. Of course they do.

I mean, 'cause at least that's what I do with all my girlfriends.

So Steph, come on in.

Let's bond.

Oh, here, will you hold this?

Sure.

Stephanie: Oh my God, I love your bra.

Riley: Oh, thanks. That cami is so adorbs.

(Explosions from TV)

Hey, is the coast clear?

We are a female free zone.

Just me and my very manly expl*si*n-filled movie.

Testosterone! Back on the rise.

Hey, what's up, Ben?

Tucker, hey.

I heard you and Stephanie came by the bar.

Isn't it weird we keep missing each other?

Yeah, well, she will be here any minute, so get all your ha-has about seeing her hoo-ha out now.

She's coming here now?

We are not ready for company.

This place is a pigsty. Tell him, Danny.

Yes.

Quite frankly, I'm embarrassed.

Knock-knock.

Oh!

Hi, baby.

We had the best time.

Yeah, it's amazing what you find out about a girl when you're both naked in a confined space.

Am I the only person in New York who hasn't seen you naked?

(Door slams)

Ben?

Ben, what are you doing?

Steph's here.

Ben: Uh, sorry, man. I'm sleeping.

Come back later.

Hey, guess what? I asked Steph to be my plus one to spa day and she said yes.

I have a girlfriend. (Chuckles)

Come on, man.

You're the one who wanted to meet her.

Do I want to know?

Probably not.

(Elevator dings)

(Grunts)

(Sighs) Sadly, Emma, this won't be the last time you find your father face down on the ground.

Hey, mom.

Hi, Emma.

Daddy was just playing hide-and-seek with Tucker's girlfriend.

Don't tell her where I am.

Ooh, fun, huh?

So what were you really doing?

Stephanie's in there and I have to get out of here before...

Okay, I'll meet you in 20 minutes.

That happens.

Hey, Stephanie.

Hi.

It's me.

Ben. Hi.

Hi, Ben. It's nice to meet you.

I'm Steph.

Nice to meet me? Stephanie, it's me, Ben.

And again, it's nice to meet you.

Wow.

Take away your cellphones, and you kids don't know how to talk to each other.

Ben, Steph, Steph, Ben. You good?

I know I am.

See you around.

(Chuckles)

It's nice to meet me?

Oh, it is nice to meet you, Ben.

It's when people actually get to know you you run into problems.

I believe this is yours.

Oh my God, Riley, I am so excited for spa day.

I even bought new flip-flops.

Well, actually, I stole them from my last spa day.

But don't worry, I won't do it again.

I need towels now.

Mrs. Wheeler, bad news.

The spa b*rned down.

What?!

I know. Someone left the sauna on.

So...

I'll just let you know when we reschedule.

Oh...

But I just got waxed.

You know, you gotta straighten up before the cleaning lady comes.

Oh.

Hey, Riles, thank you so much for inviting Steph to spa day.

You are a really good friend.

Bye now.

Liar, liar!

It seems the spa is not on fire!

Mrs. Wheeler.

Mrs. Wheeler, I'm sorry, I just...

I wanted to bring a real girlfriend.

You know, one who hasn't given birth to my friends.

(Scoffs)

Or maybe you think I'll be loud and crass and tell stories about how you used to be a chubby little know-it-all, and then failed the bar three times.

Yeah. That's pretty much it.

And to think...

I stole you an eye mask.

Her last words to me were "I will get even with you."

There's no way that Stephanie didn't recognize me.

Maybe you weren't as big a deal to her as you thought you were.

Oh, trust me, I was a big deal.

That was the year I had that awesome faux-hawk.

Well, this is a little awkward.

(Chuckles)

Any chance you guys would believe I wore this outfit two days in a row?

Hi, Stephanie.

Ben.

Hey, how's it going?

Didn't know you spent the night.

Yeah, well, that Tucker can be very persuasive.

So persuasive I'm actually late to meet Riley.

I'll see you.

Oh my God.

Can you not see it? She's a monster.

Of all the guys in New York, she's dating my roommate?

And after two days, she's best friends with Riley?

Coincidence? I don't think so.

So you really think she's doing all of this just to get even with you?

Hey, I make women do things.

Not always good things, but things.

Hold the door.

How's it going?

Oh, you know how it's going.

It's just you and me now, Steph.

You can quit pretending.

Should I pretend that I have any idea what you're talking about?

Oh, okay. Fine.

Maybe one of these catchy little phrases will jog your memory.

"Get off my couch!

Get off my property!"

Or my personal favorite, "get off my sister!"

Oh my God.

You are still such a self-centered jerk.

Ah-ha! You do remember me.

I knew it.

Yes, Ben. I remember you.

I think I actually paid for that t-shirt.

Well, I'm not gonna let you get back at me by using Tucker.

How am I using Tucker?

I never would have gone out with him if I knew he was your roommate.

But there you were, so I thought we could both be cool and pretend we never happened.

Oh, is that what we're doing?

You know what? I can't do this.

I can't come over here and worry about running into you every time I want to see Tucker.

What are you saying?

(Elevator dings)

I have to break up with him.

Feel free to tell him why.

Would you change your mind if I paid you back for the t-shirt?

So remember, ladies. Today is all about fun.

Not as much fun as suing people.

(Chuckles)

But if someone were to slip and fall, maybe we can k*ll two birds with one stone.

Go enjoy.

Ms. Jensen, hi.

I just wanted to introduce you to Stephanie, my plus one, gal pal, confidante.

Because you know, if I'm anything, it's a girl who loves girls.

As friends.

(Chuckles)

Well, sorry to hear about your little scheduling snafu.

Bonnie called and told me.

Bonnie called you?

Yeah. She said you'd forgotten you already had plans with Stephanie.

Oh, she couldn't have been more lovely about it.

Really? I'm sorry.

We're talking about Bonnie Wheeler, right?

Yep!

Hey, Maggie-mae.

You ready to get our rub on?

Whoa, this place is on fire, isn't it, Riley, huh?

Oh, she's my plus one.

All you had to do was just keep your mouth shut.

Why couldn't you just leave it alone?

Well, if I knew that, I would have left it alone.

I just got a text from Stephanie.

I think she's gonna break up with me.

What? Why would she do that?

You don't know why she would do that, do you?

No, I don't know.

I mean, we just had our first sleepover.

Ohh.

That's probably it.

Look, man, she just said she needs to talk to me as soon as she gets home from the spa.

You know what? I'm gonna call her right now.

No no no no, you can't call her.

This isn't the kind of thing you want to do over the phone.

Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna go down there, and I'm gonna make her talk to me face-to-face.

Wait, now?

No no no. You can't go down there now.

Why not?

Because...

Because you need to figure out what you're gonna say.

You need to lay out your arguments and convince her she's making the biggest mistake of her life.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right, Danny. Thanks.

All right, Stephanie, here's five reasons why you should not break up with me.

Number one, I'm a catch.

And number two, I make good lists.

Okay, perfect. Now we just need to convince Stephanie not to break up with Tucker before he finishes that list.

Go go go go go.

This is lovely, Marge.

And I have to say, my first group massage.

Well, at a spa.

(Russian accent) You two, less talk, more relax!

Yeah, this is us.

Oh, I am so sorry, ladies.

There's been some sort of scheduling mix-up.

I have pictures of you at the Christmas party. Get out.

Thank you.

You're tiny.

I will try not to break you.

Ooh, slow jams.

♪ Uhh, uhh, forever ♪
♪ yeah. ♪

Shh!

(Grunts)

Why couldn't you have just stayed home?

And why couldn't you have invited me as your plus one?

Oh, I guess we all have questions.

But this is important to me.

I have to make partner by 30.

It's on my vision board.

Stephanie?

Who you? Where is Victor?

Oh, uh, Victor is sick.

(Sighs) Victor is always sick.

Shoes off, this on, let's go.

You know...

I was just hoping I could... shut, you go.

Is there any chance...

No, you go.

No, but I have to just talk to the girl...

This one!

Okay, relax.

Go! Come on.

Less talk, more work. More work.

Go.

Hey.

Those muscles aren't gonna massage themselves.

Now get up in there and start moving stuff around.

Go.

Hey there.

Can you tell me what time Stephanie Morris will be done?

Completely unrelated...

If we were dating, would you break up with me?

Oh yeah. Oh, that's it.

Oh!

Get up in there!

Ben!

What is taking so long? Tucker is here.

Who are you? Where's Dimitri?

Oh, uh, Dimitri is sick too.

Men, useless.

One little sniffle, and oh, you think you are die.

Shoes off.

Um, I really don't think... no, shut face. Move, go. Go.

Yes. Go.

You take loud blonde lady.

Go go go go.

Ben?

Just do it.

But I thought you just wanted to talk to Steph.

Less talk, more work. Go!

Hey! Pokey-hontas.

How about we use all 10 little Indians, all right? Put your back into it.

Hey, what's going on up there?

You got me saddled up, but we don't seem to be leaving the stable.

You two, lady-fingered girly hands, take stick and bird. Go.

(Grunts)

Oh yeah.

All right, there it is.

Hey, Steph, can we talk?

What are you doing here?

(Gasps) Danny?

What are you doing and why are you massaging me?

Well... They put me on my mom, and that was just wrong.

What's going on?

I don't know what's going on, but I'm leaving.

Oh, hey, Steph.

Ben?

Hey, Tuck. Look who I found.

I just felt so bad that we never met before.

It's very nice to meet you, Stephanie.

Well, too bad I can't say the same.

Ooh, massage and a show.

Girl, get up.

You're missing a good one.

Wait, do you two know each other?

Yeah.

Yeah, we do. We dated like three years ago.

And are you why she wants to break up with me?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I am so sorry about this.

What does this have to do with you?

Absolutely nothing.

Stephanie, you're not dating me.

You're dating Tucker.

And Tucker's a really wonderful guy.

So please, don't let your future be dictated by our past.

I just came up with that.

Ben, if I had to stay away from every girl you've ever offended, I would never have a date in this city.

Steph...

I am perfectly capable of screwing up a relationship all on my own.

And I would really like to screw this one up with you.

And if that's not a good enough reason, I got like five more just ready to go.

I don't think I need to hear them.

So you're not gonna break up with Tucker?

No.

Too bad.

If change mind, I take little one.

I make him man.

(Mouthing)

Well, if she's taking the little one, I'm gonna take the big one.

Come on over here and take mama home.

(Sighs) Oh my gosh, that felt so good.

What did I miss?

Hey, mom.

Oh God, Danny!

Bonnie: No, Margie, I'm telling you nobody will work harder than Riley to get that promotion.

In fact, she's working right now.

All right, Peggy-sue.

Yeah, I'll see you at brunch tomorrow.

Bye-bye. (Cellphone beeps)

Okay, all right. My toes are happy, but my glass isn't.

Sorry, Mrs. Wheeler.

Thank you for putting in a good word for me.

Yeah. Well, that's what friends are for.

You know what?

You were right.

Let's go back to that other color.