03x12 - Send in the Clowns

[bunniefuu]

Okay, people. I need you to focus.

This is a critical birthday decision.

Traditional.

Tiara.

Oh...

Or my personal favorite...

Viking warrior princess?

Oh!

All: Warrior princess!

Oh, and also, can we please vote on whether or not we're getting a pony?

I still think we can fit one in the elevator.

(Door opens)

Well, I measured.

And we can totally fit a pony in that elevator.

Yes! Yup, knew it.

Bonnie: Yeah.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it is already Emma's first birthday.

I remember I pulled out all the stops for you boys.

Really? Because I pulled out all our old birthday DVDs.

You care to explain this?

(Laughter)

Okay, Ray, let's try to make this fast, okay?

I've got a hangover bigger than my hair.

And I cannot get that Vanilla Ice out of my brain.

Man, that guy is gonna be big, huh?

Hey, Ray. Ray! Hey!

Honey, we're over here.

Danny. Danny, I told you not to eat this, okay?

Oh, you know what? Benji... he'll never notice.

Okay, here we go.

(Fusses)

All right, all right, let's get this over with, people.

"The Cosby Show" is gonna be on.

Man, and look, that Rudy... that girl is gonna be big!

Okay, blah-da blah blah blah blah.

Here we go and happy...

(whistle tweets)

Bonnie: Come on, Danny! Crush him!

I can't believe you taped over my first birthday.

Yeah, well, since you're onto me, I also taped over your next three.

Well, unlike me, Emma's gonna have the best birthday party ever.

We are gonna make some memories.

Yeah.

(Bonnie, seductively) Come on, Ray. Everyone's doing it.

Mom!

Hey, we were making some memories!

(Mutters)

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

(Laughs)

Don't worry, Emma.

You're gonna have the best birthday ever, because we're having it at Frankie & Bobbie's ice cream parlor.

Oh!

Wait, so you're not even gonna acknowledge my petting zoo idea?

That's where we had all our special events growing up.

Yeah, Ben and I worked there in high school...

Till Ben got banned...

For life.

(Chuckles) Okay, Ben, you've been banned from the mall, six bars and the Statue of Liberty crown.

How do you get banned from an ice cream parlor?

Hey, Ben. (Chuckles)

God, this hat makes me look like such a dork.

I hate it.

You always say that.

Can't you just enjoy the positive side to this job?

(Inhales deeply) One free sundae per shift.

I'm calling this one "the kitchen sink."

And I'm calling this one "boobs."

Get it? Boobs.

Hey, you have a little something right... oh, no no, that's my new 'stache.

You like it? I've been working on it all summer.

You look so mature.

(Door opens)

(Bell jingles)

Hey, Riles.

Looking pretty styling in that uniform.

Thanks.

Ben, you look like a dork.

It's the hat.

No, I'm pretty sure it's the face. (Chuckles)

Hey, Ben-Ben, isn't it time for our break?

He just got here.

You've been on a break since your last break.

Well, when your dad owns an ice cream parlor, you can tell me what to do.

It's okay. We're just taking inventory...

In my pants. Cover for me.

(Exasperated sigh) I hate having a shift with Jenny.

You know, she thinks she can just get away with anything.

All I do is just work work work.

Perrin! Stop eating the profits.

Where is everybody? Where's Jenny?

Oh, I'm not sure.

I think they might be in the back.

They said something about inventory...?

So, we're going to the movies tonight.

I was thinking maybe you and I could...

No thanks, I can't.

I have to work a double. Ooh, second sundae.

(Clattering)

Frankie: What the... I warned you, Wheeler!

Now get out!

(Bell jingles)

Jenny DeLuca.

That girl was two scoops of awesome.

I hated that girl.

She's the one who instituted the one sundae per shift rule.

(Chuckles) Well, we gotta kick this Emma party plan into high gear.

Riley, you're in charge of decorations; Tucker, food and beverages; and Danny...

Just name it. I'll do anything.

Will you be the clown?

Anything but that!

You know clowns freak me out!

I can never tell if they're gonna squirt me with a flower or s*ab me in my sleep.

The only thing a clown will s*ab you with is joy and merriment.

Don't worry, big guy. You're in good hands.

I may have dabbled in mimery in college.

(Sputters) Mimes freak me out.

Mom, come with me to Frankie & Bobbie's.

Wait, you still wanna have it there?

I mean, don't you remember what Frankie said to you?

Uh-uh.

Ben: It doesn't matter.

It's all water under the bridge.

No, what he said was, "I'll bury you under the bridge."

(Thuds)

(Bell jingles)

Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

This place looks exactly the same.

Well, you're wearing pants, so that's different.

Ben Wheeler?

Jenny DeLuca?

Oh, my God, you look amazing.

What the hell are you doing here?

Well, well, well, look who's here!

I didn't know it was garbage day.

That pony's looking pretty good right now, isn't it?

(Laughs) Honestly, I can watch you smash that cake all day.

All right, get that backup cake ready!

He's tearing through this one pretty fast!

Yeah!

I love cake.

Happy Birthday, Danny.

Can you wave? Wave to daddy.

Can you wave to daddy?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. That's my aunt Margot, right?

Uh, yeah. Why does she look like she's pregnant?

Riley: Because she is.

Oh my God. She couldn't have been much more than like 16.

So? Isn't being a teen mom kind of a rite of passage for you people?

But Margot doesn't have any kids, all right?

She said she didn't want to be tied down.

Oh, my God. How did I not know this?

Should I just tell her that I know, or I could kinda hint at it, or say I saw your old video? Oh, my God.

I can't believe my family finally has a juicy dark secret.

I'll... I'll talk to you guys later.

(Door closes)

Wait, hold up.

Why do scandalous secrets have to be dark?

I mean, that's just r*cist. (Chuckles)

What's wrong with a juicy white secret?

Yeah, I don't think that's their only secret.

That might be Riley's aunt Margot, but that very unpregnant woman is Riley's mom.

So?

So? Riley was born just two weeks after my first birthday.

Her mom should be ready to explode.

So you're saying...

I think Riley's mom is her aunt and her aunt is her mom.

Oh, that is one juicy white secret.

See? It totally works.

Jenny, come on. You don't give somebody freezer burn over half their body and then pretend like it's not nice to see them again.

Yeah, fine, it's nice to see you again.

And you know what would be even nicer?

Seeing you go.

Please, your dad still can't be mad.

It's been almost seven years.

Ben, you don't know my dad.

He never met a grudge he didn't like.

Okay okay, fine.

How about you just let us have Emma's birthday here then?

It's not really up to me.

You have got a lot of nerve coming in here like this.

Come on. It is my granddaughter's first birthday.

If you had any grandkids, you would understand how important this is.

Are you... you're kidding me, right? You...

Hey, grandpa, come on! Help me make a sundae!

Okay, all right. Hey, hold up.

I want to introduce you to somebody.

This is my grandson... Ben.

Ben?

Yeah.

She wanted to name him after the father.

Ben?

Seriously, I can't believe he threw me out of there again.

I'm pretty sure I wasn't the first person to defrost Jenny DeLuca.

So, Ben, take me back.

Exactly how long ago were you banned from Frankie & Bobbie's?

I don't know, like seven years ago.

How does six years and nine months sound?

About right.

I don't suppose when you and Jenny were rolling around in that freezer you covered up?

Well, it was pretty cold in there, so I definitely had a coat on.

On the part that counts?

I was 16...

And an idiot...

And in a rush, so no, probably not.

Why are you asking me all these questions?

Because Jenny has a six-year-old son...

Oh! Glad I dodged that b*llet.

Named Ben.

Wow. I can't believe she named her kid after me. That's really...

Oh, my God!

Exactly!

No, there's no way.

Well, I guess there was a way.

There were several ways.

Oh, God, don't tell me!

Are you sure?

Well, Frankie DeLuca is.

Well, what am I gonna do?

Well, either build a time machine so you can fix your mistakes or take 30 seconds and read the instructions on the back of a condom!

Put it on.

No. I'm not gonna put it on.

I said put it on.

Fine.

How do you feel?

My palms are sweating a little bit, but my nose is warm.

(Chuckles) Now let's do something about your cold feet.

(Scoffs) I don't see what's so funny about that.

It's basically just a pair of my shoes.

Slightly smaller.

No more Mr. nice clown, Danny.

It's time to pull on your big Bozo pants and clown up.

Do it for Emma.

(Cellphone buzzes)

It's Riley. She's with Margot.

What if Riley asks her about the baby?

What if Margot tells her that she's her mom?

I mean, I guess I would wanna know.

Well, if I grew up with your mom and there was a chance that I could get a new one, I'd wanna know too.

But what if Riley's devastated?

I should be there for her. I gotta go.

(Yelps)

Yeah, still super creepy.

(Sighs) I love Emma, and I shall prove it by purchasing a very extravagant gift.

I'm thinking puppy.

Well, here, take this to cheer Riley up.

I believe it's a donkey.

I didn't think a teenager with a 10:00 curfew and a hamster named Luke Perry should be raising a child.

Hey, ladies, what are we talking about?

Anyone need a shoulder to cry on?

I brought two.

You are not gonna believe what aunt Margot just told me.

She gave up a baby for adoption when she was a teenager.

It's okay if I tell people, right?

Wow, really? Is that all she told you?

Well, I also mentioned I had a out of body experience in a sweat lodge, but the baby was kinda the big news.

It was a girl and she never saw her again.

(Inhales deeply)

God, it's so crazy to think that I have a cousin out there somewhere who's almost exactly the same age as me.

(Margot chuckles)

I mean, how weird would it be if I actually knew her?

Danny and margot: Very.

Oh, Riley, you've got a little stain on your blouse.

Oh, where?

Right there.

Oh. Eww. Sorry, I'll be right back.

(Loudly) So, Margot, how you been?

Haven't seen you in a couple...

(softly) I know the truth about you and Riley.

Oh, I don't suppose you're talking about that time we got arrested at a Van Halen concert?

My bad. I totally made her hold my backpack.

No, that she's your daughter.

(Sighs) And that's what I was afraid of.

How did you figure it out?

It wasn't that hard.

I just put two and two together.

I thought you were the slow one.

You have to tell her. She deserves to know.

Actually, I don't. It's not my place to tell her.

It's her mom's, my sister, the woman who raised her.

I promised I would never tell, and now you have to promise, too.

Can you do that?

You know, between this and the clown thing, you people are really asking a lot.

Wait... I'm the slow one?

(Bell jingles)

We're closed.

And I already got the 9 and the 1 pushed on my phone.

Hey, it's me again.

I think we need to talk.

Seriously?

How many times I gotta throw you out of here?

Like a cockroach.

Daddy, please. I can handle him.

(Scoffs) Handling him is why you are here in the first place.

Fine. I'm going to give you two minutes.

Then I'm going to call the cops.

Also known as my cousin Tony.

Ben, what are you doing here?

You're going to get me in trouble.

I think we've pretty much established that I've already done that.

Now is really not a good time to talk.

What about the last seven years? Busy?

You want to have your kid's birthday party here? Fine.

My dad won't even be here tomorrow.

Honestly, that's not really why I'm here.

Although I will take the 2:00 to 4:00 slot.

One minute!

And I already got the 9 and the 1 pushed on my phone.

Ben, we were fine without you.

We'll be fine when you leave.

Seriously, you gotta get out.

If only you'd told me that seven years ago.

Oh, hey!

That's a good idea.

Numbering your kids.

Mom, what am I gonna do?

Jenny won't even talk to me about it.

Well, let's just make sure that we give Emma a memorable first birthday, all right?

And then, we will welcome little Ben into this freak show we insist on calling a family.

Why do women keep having babies and not telling me about them?

It's starting to hurt my feelings.

(Bell jingles)

All right.

Where do you want Tuck-Tuck the clown?

Tuck-tuck?

I know.

Can you believe "Tuckles" was already taken?

Can I interest you in either a snake or a hot dog?

Oh, in a minute. I got a little unfinished business.

(Both exclaim)

Really?

You couldn't have told me you changed your mind before I got on the subway like this?

I realized I had to do it for Emma.

Do you know how long it takes to explain to a transit cop why you've got a rubber chicken in your pants?

Actually... I do.

Oh, hey, Riley.

Hey!

Oh, nice timing.

Does somebody send you an alert when fresh cake arrives?

Oh, my God. How great would that be?

So I can't believe you never told me about the whole baby thing.

Honey, if I had to tell you every time Ben does something stupid, we would never leave the house.

No, I had dinner with my aunt Margot last night and she told me everything.

(Sighs, laughs)

Thank God.

I've been keeping that one locked up for years.

I just... I don't understand why it was such a secret.

I feel bad for aunt Margot.

Well, I feel bad for you.

You're the one who lost out on having a cool mom and got stuck with the, well...

You know her better than anyone.

I'm sorry, what are you saying?

Well, I was just trying to avoid calling your mom a bitch.

Are you saying aunt Margot's my mom?

No...

So Margot had a baby and that baby was me?

What?!

Excuse me.

Well, I kept my mouth shut for 25 years.

Any points for that?

Jenny, we can't pretend like nothing happened.

Sure we can. Watch me.

See? Doing it right now.

Well, I can't.

Mostly because I know something happened... he's 6, his name is Ben, and quite frankly,

I think you're letting him have a little bit too much ice cream.

Ben, I am begging you.

Have your party and go home.

Bonnie: Okay.

I think our little princess is almost ready.

So, what do you say we throw my little girl a party, huh?

All right.

(Chuckling)

Oh, my God.

It's so hard to believe that you're already a year old.

No one thought we'd make it.

Mostly me.

But there were moments where I could see you too had your doubts.

Emma, before you came along, a lot of people would have described me as selfish...

Narcissistic.

Ooh, unreliable.

Oh! Inconsiderate.

I was just going to say "immature," but fine.

Emma, dare I say, being your father has made me a better man.

(Murmurs)

And when I think that I could have lived my life without you...

It breaks my heart.

Hey! What the hell is going on here?

Um...

Balloons, clowns, cakes... it's a birthday party, dude.

Balloon baguette?

(Mouthing)

Jenny, you can't keep my son from me.

I want to be a father to little Ben.

Son?

Wait, little Ben?

Keep his son from him?

You told me he didn't want to have anything to do with you.

Because it was easier than telling you the truth.

Ben's not the father.

I'm not? Are you sure?

'Cause that kid looks just like me.

Well, then, who is the father?

Bobby Junior.

(Stammers) My old partner's kid, the convict?

Oh, ho! That's great!

He's even a worse choice than this idiot.

Hey! Frankie DeLuca, you would be lucky if my son impregnated your daughter.

Eh!

But I didn't, right?

No.

When I told you I was pregnant, you just assumed it was Ben's, so I let you think that.

Well, yeah!

I never thought he'd be dumb enough to come back here.

You'd be shocked at the things he's dumb enough to do.

I'm sorry.

But I gotta say...

Emma's a lucky girl.

She's also a very sleepy girl.

I think we might have missed our birthday window, people.

Hey, where's Riley?

Saw her headed for the freezer with a very big spoon.

(Sighs)

Riley, it's gonna be okay.

No! It's not.

I mean, I don't even know who I am.

You're Riley Perrin.

The sweetest girl I know.

No offense, but...

It's kind of hard to take you seriously right now.

I mean, I just don't get it.

You know, why didn't she want me?

Why did she give me up? Didn't she love me?

She loved you so much she had to let you go.

What are you doing here?

I called her.

I thought you two should talk.

And I'll never say no to ice cream.

I mean, I am your mom.

Yeah. So I've heard.

I'm sorry I couldn't tell you.

It's just that I saw how happy you were and how beautiful and how smart and...

And I knew I'd made the right decision.

But we could have been together.

You could have been with me.

I'm with you now.

Please let that be enough.

See?

Isn't this nice?

(Shouts)

Yep, still creepy.

Okay, people, let's do this.

Hi, sweetie.

Where's the cake?

Oh. Was this for Emma?

Yes, it's for Emma.

You know how you know? It says "Emma" on it.

See? Now you know how these things happen.

Well, baby, maybe this isn't what you signed up for.

But you're stuck with us.

(Soft chuckling)

All: Happy Birthday, Emma.