03x13 - Play It Again, Bonnie

[bunniefuu]

All right, let's hit the bar, guys.

If we've timed this right, the girls will already be tipsy and we will not have to buy them drinks.

Yeah, well, you guys have fun...

And don't worry about little old me.

Just another Saturday night alone...

With a baby...

That isn't mine.

Well, maybe if you hadn't cheated on your boyfriend Brad by hitting on his dad you'd still have a date on Saturday night.

And Brad would have a slightly less awkward Thanksgiving.

(Laughs) Yeah, Mrs. Wheeler, you're like a bad country song.

♪ There was a cowboy who loved her ♪
♪ But she had eyes for the father ♪
♪ Now her heart needs a healer ♪
♪ 'Cause she's a lonely Mrs. Wheeler. ♪

(Laughs)

Contrary to popular opinion, I don't regret breaking up with Brad at all.

Didn't he dump you?

I don't regret getting dumped by Brad at all.

I am so over him.

I'm actually fine if I never see his face again.

Oh my God, there he is!

Oh! Turn it up, turn it up.

(Piano music playing)

Of all the apartments in all the towns in all the world, you should walk into mine.

Oh, hey, Brad "the pad."

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful realtorship.

Here's renting from me, kids.

(Clicks tongue)

Oh! That's the commercial I helped Brad write and direct before we broke up.

(Sighs)

(Babbles)

Isn't it great?

You know what? I think I hear our cab, yeah.

Don't wait up.

Danny: That was really bad.

(Door closes)

Oh my God, Emma.

I want Brad back.

Oh my God.

(Babbles)

I know.

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

Why does Ben always give you the free food but I just get the food that been sent back?

I'm his mother. I fed him for 20 years.

At least his breasts will be where they're supposed to be when I'm done eating.

Oh my God, it's him.

(Laughing loudly)

Are you having a seizure?

(Normal voice) No, Brad's here.

All right, pretend that I'm hilarious and that you are having the best time ever.

(Laughing loudly)

I thought you just said you were over him.

Yeah, well, I might've changed my mind.

But how do I get a guy that doesn't want me?

I've never met one of those.

I mean, hello.

Guys only want one thing...

What we can't have. You just have to ignore him.

Ignore him?

Yeah.

I can do that.

Brad. Hey.

Hey.

Long time. Hey, you know my mom's here, right?

Yeah, I was kinda hoping that I might run into her.

I thought maybe I could talk her into getting back together again you think there's any chance?

How do I put this delicately?

Not a sh*t in hell.

Oh. Umm, are you sure?

Oh. Hey, Bonnie.

Oh, hi... Brad.

I love you, Benji.

And now I'm sure.

Whoa.

No one's ever not wanted me before.

I me, hello.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, Bradley: Women really only want one thing...

What they can't have. You gotta make her jealous.

How am I supposed to do that?

Oh, easy. Just set up a fake date with one of your ex-girlfriends.

And if you don't have any, you can borrow one of mine.

Girls break up with me all the time.

So, how are things going with aunt Margot?

Are we calling her "mom" yet?

Oh my God, awesome, super, great, totally amazing. Love her, seriously.

Which means "terrible, awful.

I can't stand cleaning up after her and I can't wait for her to leave."

I know, I know.

It's just... you know I don't have the best relationship with my mom, and then here with Margot, there was a chance for a fresh start.

You know, I thought she could be my dream mom, the kind who shared clothes and secrets and gave great boyfriend advice.

And Margot doesn't do any of that?

Let's just say I'm lucky I still have a boyfriend after what happened the other night.

(Margot whispering) Psst! Riley!

(Gasps)

Oh good, you're up.

Oh my God.

Hi, Philip.

I'm Margot.

Oh my God, how awkward would this be if this wasn't Philip? It is, right?

Yeah, it is.

So Philip's been sleeping over a lot lately, huh?

That's what you got from that story?

Maybe you should just give her another chance.

Or maybe you should let me talk to her.

Oh my God, no. Danny, that would just be way too embarrassing.

Promise me you will not say anything.

(Door opens)

Oh! Hey, guys.

I was worried about waking you.

(Door closes)

It's the middle of the day.

Is it? Wow. I just lost all track of time.

I was at a protest until 4:00 A.M.

That's when we realized we were just in line for concert tickets.

(All laugh)

Oh good. Well, that only leaves, oh, 12 hours unaccounted for, and, oh, God forbid you should call.

Oh my God, once again, I sound like my mom.

So, Margot, I think we need to have a little chat.

Are you sure Bonnie's coming?

Oh, she's definitely coming.

It's almost time for her 6:00 feeding.

Nice job with the fake date.

Veronica. We go way back.

Well, let me know when you're done using her as a decoy.

I wanna use her as a me-coy. (Chuckles)

That means I wanna have sex with her.

Oh, here's my mom. Go go go.

Tucker: Okay, there he is.

Now just remember: Ignore him and he's all yours.

Okay okay. Really?

Because right now it looks like he's all hers.

Hey, mom. Hey, Brad's here.

And I think he might've found himself a new lady friend.

But good for him, right, since you're not interested.

Yeah. (Both chuckle)

(Whispers) Look, just be cool.

I mean you've got him right where you want him.

If I had him where I want him, his lips would be on my face!

Okay, you know what? Never mind.

You know what? I got this.

(Loudly) Oh... Sergio.

There you are, you scamp.

(Laughs) So should we order lunch or just go straight to dessert?

(Whispers) Pretend you like me.

(Laughs loudly)

Oh. Oh.

Oh darling. Da...

(Normal voice) You're together, aren't you?

(Loudly) Oh Sergio, how could you?!

Let's run, let's run, let's run.

And here I am on the Rolling Stones tour.

Oh my God.

I was their official photographer.

That's Mick...

Jagger?

Debowski, the tour bus driver.

He was a rock star in his own way, if you know what I mean.

(Knocks on door)

Oh hey, just on my way home from practice, wanted to come by and say hi, because we haven't communicated since I said good-bye earlier today.

Very very true, because we have not spoken.

(Laughs)

(Mouths)

But I do need to call my psychic.

I'm running late for a session, but I'm hoping she'll know that.

God, oh my God. It's like she just flipped on some kind of mom switch. Thank you so much for talking me into giving her another chance.

She's perfect. Look, she braided my hair.

She's been giving me advice about my life, and my career, about Philip.

Oh, did she tell you to slow it down?

Because you should totally listen to her.

No. Umm...

She thinks he should move in with me.

Move in with you?

(Chuckles)

Isn't that great?

Yes! Absolutely, positivo. Couldn't be happier.

Yeah, amazing.

Bonnie: Ignore him?!

I said ignore him, not reenact a telenovela.

(Door opens, closes)

Hey hey hey hey, what's going on?

Tucker just destroyed any chance that I might have had of getting back together with Brad!

Wait wait wait, you like Brad? I thought you were over him.

I was. I'm not. Keep up.

But now he has moved on to some other bimbo.

That wasn't just any bimbo!

That's the bimbo I told him to go out with to make you jealous!

Wait, why would he want to make her jealous?

Because he likes her!

He does?

He does?!

Yes, and you totally ignored him!

Yeah, because Tuckledoodle Dumb told me to!

Well, what does it matter? You both like each other!

Oh my God, you're right!

I know!

Oh my... all right, you know, I have to call him. I have to call him.

Oh, I can't believe Brad and I are getting back together!

Oh hey, I just ran into Brad. Guess what?

Oh, honey, we are way ahead of you.

He is still in love with me and he wants me back.

Close. He's engaged!

♪ There was a cowboy who loved her, but... ♪

Engaged?

How could Brad get engaged without me?!

But that's not even the big news.

That stupid margot told Riley that she should move in with Philip.

I don't care if she told her to eat Philip!

What did Brad say?

It's his ex, the girl he dated just before you.

I guess they were pretty serious.

This is your fault.

My fault?

Mm-hmm.

What happened to it being Tucker's fault?

My fault?

You're the one who didn't admit you liked him.

It's your fault!

Okay, you know what?

Don't try to make this my fault!

Okay, here's what you two are gonna do.

You two are gonna break up this little engagement.

Wh... why would you want to stop two people who are in love?

Because I'm currently not one of those two people!

Om...

(Knocks on door)

(Door opens)

Hi, are we alone?

(Door closes)

No.

Now we are.

Okay, I have to talk to you about Riley.

And I have to thank you for your advice.

Turns out this mom stuff is super easy.

I just kept saying, "yeah, that sounds cool."

And now she thinks I'm the perfect mom.

"Yeah, that sounds cool"?

That's what you said when she asked if Philip should move in?

Oh, is that what she was asking me?

I might've zoned out for a second there.

But he can't move in! He's...

(Door opens)

.. coming out of the bathroom half-naked.

Hey, Phil!

(Door closes)

(Laughs) Danny, hi. Great to see you.

So, have you heard the good news?

Looks like I might be moving in.

He doesn't think it's good news.

Oh! Because I think it's awesome news.

But you just said he shouldn't live...

So far away from his girlfriend!

(Chuckles) Jeez, Margot, I think we know what you smoked for breakfast.

If you could put in a good word for me, that would be brilliant.

No problem.

I can totally do that. (Laughs)

There's no way I'm doing that. You have to get rid of him.

Okay, while I am neither confirming or denying what I actually had for breakfast, you are making no sense.

You need to tell Riley that she's moving too fast...

Or that there's a difference between settling down and settling.

Oh, I like that one.

(Chuckles)

I should be a mom! Yeah.

What's wrong with you? You missed the whole point of the plan.

Guys, there is no plan.

I finally realized that Veronica is the one for me.

And Ben, I have you to thank for it.

Dude, don't you get it? My mom still has feelings for you.

But what about Sergio?

There is no Sergio.

Look, what Bonnie and I had was amazing.

Even cosmic, dare I say mind-blowing?

I dare you not to. (Chuckles)

But Bonnie's all drama and danger, which I'm done with.

But you're saying you still have feelings for Mrs. Wheeler.

I always will, but Veronica and I are meant to be together.

I know this now. I've made up my mind.

But now we have to have a slightly awkward conversation.

More awkward than us trying to convince you to sleep with my mom?

I talked to your bar manager and I'm gonna have a little party here to announce the engagement, if that's okay with you.

Veronica really wants to move this thing along.

Well, maybe she knows if you can change your mind that quickly, it wasn't meant to be.

So you're gonna be here tonight?

Yes. Yes, I am. I literally just said that.

Okay. All right.

Well, I have to go nowhere to talk to no one, about absolutely nothing related to this conversation whatsoever.

(Chuckles) Nobody follow me.

She's done a complete 180 on the whole Philip-moving-in thing.

It's now the worst idea she's ever heard.

Gosh, and I was really pulling for you lovebirds.

Shucks!

Hey, guys, look, if you're comfortable, I'd love for you to come to my engagement party tonight.

You know, it's none of my business, but don't you think you're moving a little fast?

I mean, there's a big difference between settling down and settling.

Huh. That's weird.

That's almost word for word what Margot just said to me about Philip.

Well, you know, we both are great thinkers.

Oh my God, Danny!

I told you not to say anything! I told you to stay out of this!

You're my best friend. I'm just trying to help.

Well, then act like one and be supportive! You know?

At least now I know you're the one who doesn't want me living with Philip.

Well, you know what? I am capable of making my own decisions, okay?

So... so I'm gonna call him right now and tell him that he can move in tomorrow.

And if you would like to bring us a housewarming gift, may I suggest a spice rack. Margot smoked all of mine.

Riley!

You know, it's none of my business, but have you ever thought about just telling her you love her?

So you're absolutely sure that your mom's not coming?

Absolutely. I told her we lost our liquor license.

And plus, she's busy babysitting Emma.

Okay.

There he is! You ready?

I was born ready.

Well, actually I was born premature.

Ready came around 15.

(Murmurs)

Why are you blaming me?

I wasn't the one who ran off at the mouth... which is a first, by the way... so yay me.

Yay you?

She's not even talking to me. Boo you.

Well, she isn't talking to me, either.

Which at this point, is fine, because this just isn't me.

Be a mom, be smart, give advice... who does that?

I didn't sign up for this.

I don't want to be anybody's mom.

Honestly, I wish she had never found out.

Riley... um...

I'm sorry, Margot.

I didn't realize that being my mother would be such a burden.

Riley, wait.

I should probably go after her.

No, I think I should handle this one.

Testing. One, two. One, two.

Hey, everybody.

I'd like to welcome you to the engagement party of Brad...

And that girl.

We just wanted to do a little something special to let you know how much you really mean to us.

(Chuckles) All right, move over.

I didn't suffer through 12 summers of piano camp for nothing. Move!

(Plays slow melody)

Hello.

I'd like to take a moment to dedicate this next song to all the ladies out there who can't seem to break a Brad habit.

Mrs. Wheeler...

I'm sorry, sorry.

Um, a little help.

Just give me... just...

♪ every kiss ♪
♪ every heart ♪
♪ seems to act just like a drug ♪
♪ Beginning to be a habit with me ♪
♪ I want to stay in your arms ♪
♪ I'm addicted to your charms ♪
♪ You're getting to be the habit... ♪

(Music stops)

(Stammers)

And a five, six, seven, eight.

(Begins playing)

♪ Getting to be a habit with me ♪

♪ no, I can't break away ♪
♪ I must have you every day ♪
♪ As regularly as coffee or tea ♪
♪ You've got me in your clutches ♪
♪ And I can't break free ♪
♪ you're getting to be a habit ♪
♪ With me ♪
♪ mm-hmm ♪
♪ getting to be a habit with me ♪
♪ Brad habit ♪

both: ♪ getting to be ♪
♪ a habit ♪

both: ♪ with... ♪

Wait wait wait. I can't.

(Stammers)

I should go. Veronica!

Oh, right. That was her name.

Riley: You're always right.

You always know the perfect thing to say.

(Knocking)

All right. Say hi to dad for me.

Yeah, I love you too.

Your mom?

Mm-hmm.

What a coincidence.

Great timing. You know, sometimes moms... it's okay. She told me that you called her.

Thank you.

So what did she say?

Uh, well, um...

She told me that I should follow my gut.

And my gut tells me... actually, it's kind of always told me that...

It's too soon for him to move in.

Look...

I know you want Margot to be the perfect mom.

But she knew that she couldn't be.

So she gave you to a woman who could.

How about you just let Margot be Margot and leave the mom stuff to an expert?

Your mom.

Wow, that was so insightful.

You'd actually make a great mom.

I know. That's what I keep telling people.

(Chuckles)

Of all the engagement parties in all the towns in all the world, you had to walk into mine.

Here's looking at us, kid.

(Chuckles)

Bonnie...

I knew you'd come back.

To thank you.

For stopping me from making the biggest mistake of my life.

And to tell you that I can't do this.

Us.

Not right now.

But why not?

I mean, we kissed.

We sang together.

And there's more than a 50% chance that we are about to have some super-hot makeup sex.

Something Ben said to me keeps sticking in my head.

He told me that if I could change my mind that quickly, it wasn't meant to be.

Right now, I think the only person that I should be with... Is me.

Good-bye, Bonnie.

You know what, mom...

Brad doesn't deserve you.

You're an amazing woman, and I thank God for you every day.

Yeah, no.

Not buying that one?

No no no no. More...

Mom, you are so pretty.

Yeah, what else?

And sweet.

Yeah?

Did I say sweet?

Yeah, you did.

I got great legs.

I mean...

What else?

That's kind of weird 'cause you're my mom.

(Continue indistinctly)

You guys have fun.

And don't worry about little old me.

(Babbles)

Just another Saturday night alone.

With a baby.

And again, it's not mine.

We were thinking this Saturday night might be a little different.

Because tonight we're all yours.

Oh my God!

That is so sweet, oh!

But if you're staying in, I'm going out.

All right? Bye-bye, Emma.

Don't wait up, boys.

(Door slams) That ain't right.