03x15 - From Here to Paternity

[bunniefuu]

And just when they thought all hope was lost... [door opens]

Hi. Oh no. Am I too late? Did I miss storytelling?

No, no. We're just getting to the good part.

So, he turned up the music, threw a raging party...

[Ben laughs] Danny: Yeah!

And fell in love with a hooker.

Oh, I get to be the hooker.

Whoo. (Chuckling)

And that wraps up tonight's edition of drive-in with daddy.

Wow. "Risky Business."

Kind of threw me there, 'cause I thought tonight's movie was "Goldilocks."

Oh, well, Tucker was tired of being the baby bear.

Well, I do enjoy these father-daughter moments.

And in fact, you've kind of inspired me to find my own biological father.

Which by the way, I have.

No way!

Yes, way. Well, ever since I found out that aunt Margot actually gave birth to me, I've wanted to know who he is, but my mom forbid Margot from saying anything.

So my dad slipped me his old yearbook and said "page 37, Mark Clements.

That's the bastard who knocked up your aunt Margot."

(Chuckles)

I love my dad.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen, parents arriving momentarily.

Next stop, dysfunction junction.

(Knocks on door)

And they're here.

Let the judging begin.

Tucker.

Dad.

Wait, where's mom?

See, I told her you'd notice.

I said, "Joanne, the boy's gonna notice."

Dad, what's going on? Is something wrong?

Not at all.

Your mother and I are getting a divorce.

So...

Then the three little bears, trying to avoid a very awkward situation, all took Goldilocks to bed. Let's go.

You know, the big one isn't wearing pants.

(Theme music playing)

♪ it's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction. ♪

Tucker: Divorced?

Dude, I cannot believe I'm going to be from a broken home.

Well, technically four broken homes if you count our vacation properties.

I know what you're going through, bud.

When my parents got divorced, it was horrible.

The constant shuttling back and forth, splitting holidays, never really knowing where to call home.

You were 24.

Hey, maybe I can talk to your dad.

I'm sure whatever happened was his fault.

I could certainly point that out to him for you.

I don't know. I mean, if someone's gonna give my dad advice about marriage, shouldn't it be someone who was good at it?

Hey, I was brilliant at it.

He was gay at it.

Well, my mom says he's too uptight at it.

Too uptight?

Now that I could fix.

That's a good idea.

Dude, I can fix him.

I just need to loosen him up a bit, and nobody is more laid back than me.

(Chuckles)

Dude, would it k*ll you to use a coaster?

Oh, and remember to scrub that for a full 20 seconds using circular motions.

He's hilarious.

Like I'm gonna wash this.

What are we gonna do?

Tucker doesn't have a laid back bone in his body.

I know. He caught me reading his journal and he got all mad about it.

Maybe you could go out with Mr. Dobbs.

You know, loosen him up. Show him a good time.

Well, I think the no fun police has plans of his own.

It could be our little secret.

Like your hair color and your real age.

Good morning. Hey, mom, I was just flipping through your old yearbook.

I didn't know you were voted "most likely to be a grandma before the age of 50."

On behalf of Emma, you're welcome.

See this. Ahh.

Dated him, dated him, way more than dated him.

God, we had some hot teachers at school.

Where'd you get this?

Uh, Riley left it here.

She's trying to track down her biological father.

Oh, David Brinkerhoff?

Uh, no. Mark Clements.

Margot's old boyfriend.

Oh, no no no. Mark and Margot may have been going steady, but Margot and David were going all the way.

Oh my God, really?

I gotta go stop Riley from calling the wrong guy daddy.

But first, I gotta take care of the girl who calls me daddy.

Or at least she should be. Seriously, it's not that hard.

Da-da. Da-da.

Okay, I tried.

Ben, hi.

Oh, Riley. Good you're here.

Sorry if I pulled you out of court.

Oh, sh**t.

I knew I had something to do today.

Sorry, I've just been so busy working on my bio dad file.

Everything there is to know about Mark Clements is in here.

Yeah, about that...

Married twice, divorced once, two sons, so there's still an opening for daddy's little girl.

And oh, get this. Get this.

He's a successful, high powered, Manhattan attorney.

Hello? Chip meet block.

Or rush meet judgment.

He was also a high school jock, me.

President of his college debate club, me.

And allergic to shellfish.

Me me me.

I'm so excited.

Well, how would you like to be twice as excited?

What do you mean?

Well, according to my mom, there's a second contestant in this round of "who's your daddy?"

His name's David Brinkerhoff.

Oh my God. No.

No no no no.

I am absolutely positive that Mark is my father.

David is a pastry chef and owns his own bakery.

Oh my God, it might be him.

What am I gonna do now?

I have to start a whole new file.

Or we could just go check them out in person.

Ben, I can't just walk into some guy's bakery and be like "oh, hey. I'll have two dozen cupcakes and some DNA."

No.

But an engaged couple from Yonkers who's looking for someone to make their wedding cake can.

Yeah, but where are we gonna find a couple like that?

Oh oh.

You mean us.

Yeah.

Oh, I like that. Okay.

(Laughing)

(Groans)

Well...

Thank you for a lovely evening.

This really is the city that never sleeps.

Especially not at 9:00 pm.

Though it sure feels like I pulled an all nighter.

It's also the city where everything you touch is just a little sticky.

Ahh. Okay.

So, well?

Well, nothing.

He's tighter than the jeans on the left side of my closet.

Never say die.

Look, honey, I tried. But there is no loosening up that lug nut.

Night, Marshall.

You're on your own.

So, Mr. Dobbs.

Daniel, I have to thank you.

That was the best date I've been on in thirty years.

Whoo. Whoo.

Um, date, what?

I really appreciate you setting me up.

Setting you up? I never set you up.

What about your wife?

You mean the death star?

She hates me.

But that Bonnie, she makes me feel alive again.

I mean, just look at me.

I'm as giddy as a school boy.

No no, you can't see my mom.

What about Tucker?

I didn't realize he had his eye on her too.

No! No no no no. The divorce.

I'm sure Tucker's not gonna want to see you dating my mom.

Oh. Well then, we should just keep this between us for now.

Hey, dad. I'm glad you're back.

Listen, I thought we could go on a little bar crawl and really get crazy, right?

(Chuckles)

But we're gonna need to be there before 9:15 if we're gonna follow my itinerary.

Now let's loosen up this tie.

Don't touch my tie, damn it.

I'm sorry, sir.

Oh my God, this is so weird.

I mean, at first I was positive it was Mark, but now I think it might actually be David.

He's married, no kids, he has a dog named sprinkles.

I love sprinkles.

And like me, he may have had a slight weight problem in high school.

Slight?

May?

Punch.

Face. (Murmurs)

When he comes out here just let me do the talking, okay?

'Cause I have a whole list of questions I want to ask him.

Oh, hi. I'm David.

Care to sample my new crapnut?

Croissant-apple-doughnut.

I'm still working on the name.

Uh, hi. I'm Ben Wheeler.

We called yesterday.

Wheeler? I went to high school with a guy named Ray Wheeler.

Used to b*at the crap out of me every day, but he knocked up some bimbo, so I guess the joke's on him, right?

Right.

Well, this is my lovely bride to be, Riley, who just has a few questions for you.

Right, Riley?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was just wondering if you had...

(Muttering)

Okay, um, do you have a peanut butter cake with marshmallow frosting?

It's her favorite.

Get out.

That's my favorite too. (Laughs)

I'll grab you guys some samples.

Oh my God.

What's the matter with you?

I think it's him.

I can't do this.

I am too nervous.

I mean, it's too real.

What if he is my dad?

Oh my God, these are good.

Here. Will you just ask him these questions?

I'm sorry. I got to get out of here.

Riley, wait. What are you... come on!

Is everything okay?

Yeah, ironically she just remembered that she left a cake in the oven.

Aww, a girl after my own heart.

You know, she reminds me of my little sister.

Or your daughter?

I don't have one.

But what if you did?

But I don't.

Well, you do now.

You mean, she's my...

Yep.

What is wrong with you?

You were supposed to loosen him up, not make him fall in love with you.

It's not my fault.

It's a curse.

Men love me.

Honestly, I should come with a warning label.

Listen, honey, maybe you misunderstood.

Maybe you're wrong.

(Knocking on door)

Bonnie.

You're not wrong.

Oh, damn. I'm good. (Groans)

All right, well, what am I supposed to do?

Tell him to go away.

No. Wait.

Get him to stop liking you.

Do whatever you did to dad.

For the last time, I did not make him gay.

He came that way!

David: Maybe this is a mistake.

I shouldn't even be here.

I mean, me with a kid?

I never wanted one of those.

What am I supposed to say to her?

Probably none of that.

But how about you let me do most of the talking?

Okay.

I can't believe Margot never told me she was pregnant.

I wasn't even sure we were really doing it right.

You know, Riley's gonna be here any minute.

So why don't you go out on the fire escape while I try to make her believe this was all her idea.

Knock knock. Look, I know...

I know what you're gonna say.

And you are right, okay?

I'm being silly, and I started this thing, so I need to finish it.

And I do. I want to know who my biological father is.

Oh my God. I'm so glad you said that.

Which is why I called Mark and asked him to meet me here.

Mark? The lawyer, here?

I told him there's a newly engaged couple from Yonkers, and they want to sign a prenup.

Where are we gonna find a couple like that?

Oh, you mean us.

Hi, Mark Clements.

I'm looking for a Riley Jemima?

I was having pancakes.

Yes, hi.

I'm Riley. Come on in, come on in.

Actually, why don't we go outside?

I got a sleeping baby. Water?

There you go. Okay.

Hey, Danny, do you know what happened to my dad?

I've called him like three times and I still haven't heard back.

Hey, man.

Hey.

No, I haven't seen him.

But I'll let you know the moment I do.

Cool.

Hey, mom. How'd it go with... oh, God, Danny!

Mom!

Mr. Dobbs!

(Grunts)

So, Daniel.

I understand you're a hockey player.

So, before your wedding, you want to sign a prenuptial agreement.

Even though neither one of you has any assets.

Well, I just want to make sure that if we ever split up, he doesn't try to take half.

Of nothing?

Exactly.

So... so I was wondering, when did you decide that you wanted to become a lawyer?

Because you know, I'm one too.

Oh, well then I guess the next logical question is why am I here?

She's not very good.

I bet that's not true.

You know, I give myself a pep talk every morning in the mirror.

"You're tough, you're rough, and damn, you look good in the buff."

I do it when I get out of the shower.

That's even better than mine.

"Don't cry at the office today."

(Elevator dings)

Oh, Ben. I need to speak to you.

But Riley and I are in the middle of... now.

No, but, dude... excuse us.

And I think I'm out of here.

Oh, no. You can't go yet.

Give me one good reason why not.

Because I think I'm your daughter.

They were what?!

I know. It's exactly like the time I walked in on mom and dad.

I could never play twister again.

Okay.

Well, we have to make sure Tucker never finds out. Tucker!

Hey, guys. First of all, did y'all know that there was a funny little man who smells like doughnuts out on the fire escape?

Oh, and Danny, I think you were right.

I think I'm gonna ask your mom to talk to my dad.

Our mom talk to your dad?

Now, you can't.

Why not?

Because she's with Emma at the park.

I've gotta go meet them. Bye.

They could be gone for hours.

(Emma giggles)

Wait, isn't that Emma?

Is it?

(Chuckles)

Way to keep track of your baby, dude.

Oh my God, Ben. It's him.

I just... I just know it is.

Really? 'Cause I had my money on David.

Hey. You can't just tell a guy he's your father and leave him standing there.

Oh my God, Riley. What are you doing?

You're so irresponsible.

Any chance we can cut to the dad stuff?

David.

Oh my God. You brought him in here too?

Well that really is irresponsible.

What the hell is going on here?

I can explain.

Ben, you want to jump in here?

Mark Clements?

David Brinkerhoff.

Looks like you finally got out of that locker.

Apparently just in time for you to sell me a used car.

What's he doing here?

I was just told that I had a kid with Margot Davis.

You and Margot?

I thought you said I was her father.

How could you be her father?

Margot was my girlfriend.

Not in the back of my pinto, she wasn't.

Oh, Margot would have never cheated on me with you.

Why, 'cause I was fat in high school?

Yeah, pretty much. It wasn't easy shoving you in that locker.

Oh, try it now, pretty boy.

Oh oh, whoa!

Okay, okay. I think we're kind of missing the point here.

Yes yes.

One of you is the lucky winner of this beautiful, fully grown daughter.

Yeah, well, not without a DNA test and a court order.

I don't know what the two of you are pulling, but I've had enough.

You know what? Me too.

And to think, I was gonna rename the crapnut after you. wait. Wait wait wait...

(door slams)

You know what the craziest part of this whole thing is?

You may have been conceived in the back of a pinto.

Knock knock.

Mom!

I got you that robe for Christmas.

Daniel, forgive me for having relations with your mother.

I feel horrible about it.

And I may need to be punished.

Oh, you're so bad. You're so bad.

Thanks for the apology, but I'm a little more worried about what you're gonna say to Tucker.

Well, we will discuss this maturely and face it head on.

(Knocks on door)

Tucker: Mrs. Wheeler?

Hide me!

Just a minute. Just a minute.

(Murmurs)

Come in.

Hey, Mrs. Wheeler.

Wow.

You really do sit around in your robe all day.

Ha! That's funny.

Good visit. All right, thanks for stopping by.

I need your help.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like my family's falling apart, and if that happens, Mrs. Wheeler, I'll be lost.

Poor little Tuck-Tuck.

I really feel for you.

But you know what? Now is not a good time, alright?

So perhaps I could call you tomorrow, or better yet, you know, I'll email you, okay?

Bye bye bye bye bye.

Wait, Mrs. Wheeler...

I feel horrible.

I don't think I really thought about how that divorce might affect Tucker.

Mrs. Wheeler, I just don't...

Hey, Tuck.

I found your dad. He was in the closet.

But not the same one my dad was in.

Tucker!

Tucker, stop!

You have to talk to me.

No, I don't.

Tucker Thurgood Marshall Dobbs, get out here.

You can't hide from me forever.

Tucker: Yes, I can!

I got this.

Tucker: Wait. No no no. No no no no no.

What are you doing? Stop. Stop it.

Stop it!

I have nothing to say to him.

Well, I've got plenty to say to you.

Oh, actually I've got plenty to say to you too.

Turn me around.

Tucker, this isn't about you.

I'm a grown man, and I deserve some happiness.

And that crazy woman makes you happy?

Honestly, whether or not Bonnie rocks my world isn't any of your business.

Put me down.

Tucker, one day you're gonna learn that the goal of raising a family takes precedence over your own happiness.

But when the hard part is over and the kids are grown, you wake up one morning and you say "who is this woman next to me?

And why does she hate me so much?"

I had no idea you were so unhappy.

Well, I was never willing to admit it until I saw you following your dreams.

So you're saying this is my fault?

No, I'm saying I have you to thank.

And I'm asking you to let my find my own way.

Well, as long you can find your way out of that robe, I think I'm cool.

No no no. Not that cool.

Hey.

Ben, I so appreciate you calling, but I'm fine.

Two boxes of tissues and four pounds of cake might say otherwise, but I'm fine.

Riley, I'm really sorry about how all this happened.

Don't be. It's my fault.

I didn't handle it right.

I don't even know what to say to them.

Well, it might be easier if you knew who you had to say it to.

What's this?

The results of a DNA test.

I sent in the water glasses they both used the other day, and I may or may not have stolen your toothbrush.

Ben...

I thought I wanted to know, but I realized I was only considering my feelings.

I didn't even stop to think about how this would affect them.

And besides, I already have a really great dad.

But don't you want to know who he is?

How you came to be you?

Why you have giant feet and tiny hands?

This could be the greatest thing that's ever happened to you.

He's here, isn't he?

Pretty much.

(Sighs)

Hi.

I'm Riley.

Your daughter.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

(Knocks on door)

Tucker. What brings you by?

Mrs. Wheeler, I just wanted to thank you for everything that you've done.

Ah ha!

I know that you and my father weren't trying to hurt anyone.

In fact, I think you helped him.

Gotcha!

All right.

Well, have a good night, Mrs. Wheeler.

And remember...

I can stop by anytime.

You are always more than welcome.

Okay.

I thought he'd never leave.