04x01 - Strip or Treat

[bunniefuu]

Man: Step forward and look at the camera.

(Camera clicking)

(Theme music playing)

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪
♪ can take your life and change direction! ♪

So, this is jail.

It's not so bad.

Steel benches...

Concrete floors.

There's a toilet in the corner.

Somebody get me out of here!

Riley, oh my God! daddy's okay sweetie, he's just stuck in a very large crib.

Riley, you're not going to believe this...

We're in jail!

And I can't believe you all managed to get yourselves arrested on Halloween.

Tell the police I want to cut them a deal.

Okay, I'll give them names, numbers, addresses.

I'll wear a wire, anything, please!

Somebody shut the little one up before I shiv him.

Riley, please, just work your legal magic and get us all out of here.

I'm sorry, but no amount of lawyering will make any of this go away.

Assaulting a police officer...

Resisting arrest...

Indecent exposure...

And Mrs. Wheeler...

m*rder? Seriously?

Not my best day.

Riley, I know it sounds bad, but please, just hear us out?

I can explain everything.

I'm listening.

It all started this morning.

You know, you were there.

Okay. As long as we stay on track, I think we can meet all of our Halloween party goals.

Tucker, costume check?

Oh, well, much like the ladies, all we gotta do is pick them up.

Ben, tickets?

Got 'em. You guys, they made me sign a waiver.

Because we could die.

Isn't that awesome?

No, just sounds like another lame Halloween party to me.

Oh, no, no, no, it's not just a party.

It's the single greatest event this city has ever seen.

Yeah, it's at a club downtown. There's gonna be two dj's.

Just in case one of them dies.

Girls in sexy outfits.

A costume contest.

Oh, and did I mention girls in sexy outfits?

You guys, I think something's wrong with your garbage disposal.

(Motor whirs)

(Screaming)

Oh my God!

(Screaming)

I say we roll into the party 30 minutes late.

Yeah.

Okay, that was perfect.

How could you not freak out?

Riley, don't you know by now, you can't prank the wheelers?

The kings of Halloween.

Yeah, history would prove we are unprank-able, except for that time that Uncle ned got us and we wound up in Mexico, but...

That was less of a prank and more of a kidnapping.

Need I remind you of the wasabi toothpaste incident, the bleeding doorbell, or the exploding night light?

It took two months for eyebrows to grow back.

Well then, can we call a truce, please?

May I extend an olive branch?

Banana smoothie?

Oh, that's so sweet of you, Riley.

Uh, hey, do you mind taking the first sip?

Seriously, Ben?

You think I'm gonna try to prank you right after I just agreed not to prank you?

Yeah, pretty much.

Fine.

Mmm.

See?

Absolutely just...

Oh my God, oh my God, my lips are burning!

(Laughing)

Ding dong, the witch ain't dead!

What up, boos?

Hey, mom. What is all that stuff?

Emma's goldilocks needs her three bears for trick-or-treating tonight.

Large, medium...

And Tucker.

Do you ever worry that one of these days, a house is gonna fall on you?

Mom, I'm not actually taking Emma trick-or-treating.

She has no idea what it is.

Right, Emma?

See? No idea.

Well, I would love to take Emma tonight, but I have a very important meeting with a sex God named "Javier."

(Chattering)

Come on, guys!

Javier is this international hottie that I met online.

And we have been sending the most romantic emails for the last six months.

He's in town for one night.

And I'm having him over so we can finally meet.

Well, don't you want to meet this guy somewhere in public before committing to an evening with him? yeah, but that kills the mystery.

He's a random guy from the Internet.

What would you rather have k*lled, the mystery, or you?

You know, I've never said to you before Riley, but...

You may not be wrong.

You know what? I'll pre-screen him at the bar.

Ooh, Halloween donut.

(Excited murmuring)

Yeah, I got freaky-fritters, Boston screams.

Yum, this is delicious.

I should not have done that.

Probably not.

Nope.

(Laughing)

Gotcha!

Every time.

Gotcha!

Tucker, you get the costumes?

Don't worry Pirate Wheeler, I even ordered you a fake leg to store beer in.

Ooh, a keg-leg, all right.

What are you going as tonight?

A superhero.

I was gonna go as Dracula, but I accidentally swallowed my vampire teeth.

Now I'm scared to go to the bathroom.

Well, I'll tell you what's scary.

Your mom and her international man of mystery.

I mean, what do we even know about this guy?

Bonnie, I had a great time.

I still don't understand how a beautiful, blonde, 35-year-old, successful businesswoman is single.

You seem too good to be true.

(Chuckling)

So do you, but I'm not asking a lot of questions.

(Giggling)

See you tonight, Javier. Here's a little preview.

Ha-ha!

Still got it.

And if you're lucky, you will too.

(Speaks Spanish)

Yeah... I don't know what that means.

Mrs. Wheeler.

Not to be a downer, but are you sure you can trust this guy?

Oh, Riley, don't be jealous.

It's not a good color on you.

Also, that color's not a good color on you.

Besides, I totally checked him out.

It's just I worry about you.

You're like the big sister I always wished I had.

Aww, thanks, Riley.

To us?

To us.

Oh, I love your shoes!

Thank you so much. I know, I got them on sale.

Did you really? They're so cute with those things.

Yeah.

Oh my God!

Oh my God, my gums are melting!

Ugh, what did you put in this?

(Laughing)

To tonight!

All: Tonight!

All: It's gonna be the best Halloween ever!

Worst Halloween ever.

I can't believe they canceled the party.

Just like that, Halloween is ruined.

Well, look on the bright side.

You know, now we can all hang out together and take Emma trick-or-treating.

What?

Riley, you can't replace something awesome with something awe-less.

It's simple physics.

But you wouldn't understand since you didn't already have plans.

Right, loser implied.

Exactly.

Okay, I could have plans if I wanted to.

In fact, I just got invited to a huge party downtown by a girl I work with.

But partying with a bunch of drunken, half-naked women isn't really my idea of a good time.

But it's my idea of a good time.

Take me, take me!

It's really not that kind of a party.

But, I will see you guys tonight.

Oh, yay. This is gonna be so fun.

Wait, somebody go after her!

She's like an all-access pass to hotness.

Nobody move. Nobody move.

Look what she left behind, her phone!

(Shouting)

Come on, come on, come on...

Yes, address and everything!

(Shouting)

Oh, I forgot my phone.

Yeah, here it is in my hand. How convenient.

Oh thank you so much.

Yeah, cool, see you later.

Great shirt, love your pants, all right.

Gentlemen, let's lock and load and hit the road.

Let's kick the tires and light the fires.

Let's have some fun and...

Argh. Sorry, I didn't know we were each doing one.

It's okay, man.

We never should have gone to that party.

Oh, by the way, we went to your party.

Guys.

I hold in my hand the key to a night of "hello, how are you?"

And a morning of "what do you want for breakfast?"

One superhero.

Sweet! Oh, this is the only night of the year where a man can wear tights and not be totally embarrassed.

Wow, you're gonna look so pretty.

No! No, no, no, no, no. What is happening?

Tucker, why the hell am I attracted to my costume?

Wait, there must have been some sort of mix-up at the store.

How did this happen? What did you tell them?

I told them I wanted the costumes to be sexy.

Why would you say that?

I don't know.

Dude, we're supposed to wear costumes to that party.

What are we going to do now?

Danny: Well, I guess we're just gonna have to grin and bear it.

Ben: That's your last one of those, okay?

Why? Can't bear to hear my comedy? (Chuckles)

Beary's take a brief paws.

(Knocking)

Now remember Emma, the trick is for you to stay quiet, so grandma gets a treat.

Well, hello little boy.

Would you like some candy?

By the way, tonight my name is Candy.

That's good because I got a giant sweet tooth.

Is this the only exit?

Well, there's a fire escape, but you gotta get past me.

Does anyone else know I'm here?

Just everyone following Bonnie-Gets-Some I may have pre-bragged a little.

(Cellphone rings)

I told you I'm working late tonight.

No, no, no, no, calm down.

Of course I love you.

My boss.

We're very close.

Now, where were we, eh?

Hello!

One Bo peep, looking for her sheep.

Emma-a-a-a-a-a!

Who are you?

Who is she?

Just some desperate girl trying to sex it up in an inappropriate costume.

I mean, come on.

Uh, are the guys ready?

We're taking Emma trick-or-treating.

Sorry, Bo, it looks like you lost your peeps.

They left about 20 minutes ago for some party, but feel free to take Emma and scra-a-a-a-a-a-am.

A party?

Why wouldn't they invite me?

Well, probably because they would have to admit that they found your phone and stole the address and are totally crashing it.

Why would they do that?

The bigger question is, why are you still here?

Hello!

Party... pooper...

But it's not a Halloween party.

It's a bachelorette party.

Okay, so just be cool...

And...

Oh my God, we must have d*ed in the taxi and this is heaven.

I knew God was a dude.

Hey, I'm Heidi, I was getting worried you wouldn't show.

Not exactly the sexiest costumes...

But I guess you'll do.

Oh, sorry, there was a mix-up at the...

Well, wait, how did you know we were coming?

You're the strippers, aren't you?

I'm sorry, there must be a slight mix-up.

We're not actually strippers...

We're also not actually bears.

I'm Tucker Dobbs.

And I think you'll find me just right.

Um, would it be cool if we stayed and partied anyway?

Um, no.

If you're not stripping, you need to leave.

But if we strip, we stay?

Ya-huh.

Guys, quick bear huddle.

We did not come all this way to go home now.

Nope.

I think we can do this.

So do I.

Okay, we in?

Oh, we in.

Danny? Danny? Danny!

Dude, wait for us!

Javier.

Come sit down next to nurse Bonnie.

Take your shirt off and I'll take your temperature.

I thought I heard something.

Did you hear something?

Just the sound of my youth ticking away if we don't get to this.

(Cellphone rings)

That must be my boss again.

He's very demanding.

He's also very pretty.

And a woman, hmm?

Hey, listen Javier. I wasn't born mañana, okay?

All right, the nervous pacing, checking the exits, mysterious phone calls from lady friends.

And the most suspicious thing of all...

Barely touching me.

I'm beginning to think you're a liar.

Please, I would never lie to you.

Okay, you know what? We are done, all right?

Habla adios my friend there are plenty more of you where that came from.

You're not the only weirdo I've been emailing with.

Oh God.

How dare you!

(Shouting in Spanish)

Hi.

Hey, Javier, I think your boss is here.

(Arguing in Spanish)

Tucker: Keep it simple, follow my lead, and don't ask why I know how to do this.

(Dance music plays)

(Women shouting)

Oh no, the cops.

They're not real cops. They must be the real strippers.

Ladies, I hate to be the bad guy here, but we need to shut this party down.

(Boos)

Hey, buddy, isn't the cop stripper outfit a little cliche?

Look, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.

(Women cheering)

Dude, we used that line a half-an-hour ago.

We're not strippers.

Uh, oh yeah, I think the cheap breakaway pants say otherwise.

Right.

One more time.

You're not strippers, are you?

No. And you're under arrest.

Run for it!

(Arguing in Spanish)

Guys, guys, guys!

Either get some subtitles, or get out!

(Arguing resumes)

I'm just gonna go out in the hallway and let you two lovebirds settle this alone.

You know, feel free to break anything, I don't live here.

(Arguing continues)

Not my best date.

But sadly, not my worst.

Javier: Sofia, no!

(g*nshots)

(Gasps)

Aah, oh my God!

Oh my God!

Oh God.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Hurry, call the police!

No, no, no, no, no, you're making a big mistake.

You got the wrong girl.

Okay, please don't do this.

I'll never make it in prison. I'm too cute!

I am a respected, registered nurse!

I am due in the O.R. this evening!

That's how it all went down.

You see, Riley? We're all completely innocent.

No, none of you are innocent.

They're pressing charges and you're all going to be arraigned tomorrow.

What?!

God, I can't believe this is happening.

I should've just listened to mom and taken Emma trick-or-treating like a responsible dad.

I'm such an idiot.

Sorry, bro, I blame myself.

Yeah, I blame Danny, too.

I'm actually in the Ben's-an-idiot camp.

Riley, what can we do?

I'm sorry, there's nothing that you can do...

Except maybe call me...

The queen of Halloween!

(Laughing)

Oh, oh, you guys look confused.

Perhaps I can explain.

Last Halloween, as the paramedics were ungluing me from my bike, I thought to myself, "Riley, you need to plan the prank of a lifetime that will even the score once and for all."

Oh, still confused?

Well, she played the part of Heidi, give it up for my manicurist, Tracy!

What?

Whoa!

The officers that arrested you boys?

My friends from the courthouse, Rick and Charlie!

What?

No way.

Whoa, man, she really got you idiots.

I got you too, Mrs. Wheeler.

He played the part of the philandering, international sleazeball, let's hear it for my dry cleaner and wannabe-actor, Javier!

I kept his real name. I liked it.

Please, Mrs. Wheeler...

And last, but not least, you know her as Sofia, the jealous housewife with a taste for m*rder, let's hear it for my downstairs neighbor, say hi, to Judy!

(Applause)

I don't even speak Spanish.

The six months of emails from Javier?

Ah, yeah, that was me.

The invitation to the world's greatest party?

Yup, me too.

The costume screwup, the bachelorette party?

The stripping?

Me, me, me!

In fact, the answer to all of your questions is me.

All a part of my grand scheme to get you Wheeler's back.

But I'm not a Wheeler!

Collateral damage, my friend.

Collateral damage.

And all I can say now is I got you good! Yes!

So, we're not actually arrested?

Free to go.

(Zzes)

Emma. Hi, sweetie.

Next year I promise it's just you and me, kiddo, okay?

I can't believe I traded my shoes for soap.

I can't believe I sent you those pictures.

Yeah, neither can I.

You know, Riley, I didn't think you had it in you.

But you didn't win.

Sure I did!

There is no way any of you saw that coming.

Wait for it.

Oh God.

Did somebody put itching powder in my bra?

No Riley.

Somebody put itching powder in all of your bras.

Happy Halloween.

Gotcha!

No, no. No "gotcha."

I just pulled off the greatest prank in Halloween history.

I win. Me. I'm the queen of Halloween.

Enjoy your evening, your majesty.

(Laughing)

This took up a year of my life!

Can I just have this one thing?

You guys always win.

I've got those pictures Mrs. Wheeler.

You know what, guys?

Prison changes a man.

I hope I can adjust to life on the outside.

I don't know. I made a lot of friends.

That guy Frankie said I can come back and see him any time.

What's a conjugal visit, anyway?

All right, it's been a long day for all of us.

Time for our little girl to go to bed.

Say good night, Emma.

You look so cute.

I love your flower.

(Screams)

Oh yeah!

In the face!

(Laughing)

You gotta train 'em young.

(Laughing)

Squirting flower, genius.

I rented a warehouse!